Friday, 30 November 2007

A New Definition Of Exhausted~

So today I had that interview. Long story short, I picked the journalist up from the station and drove to my house. Then we had a nice 2+ hour talk/interview, after which we talked a bit more together with my mother joining us. A short while after that I brought her to the train station again and we said goodbye.

When I arrived home I pretty much crashed. I haven't felt this completely exhausted in ages. It's like a freight train ran over me, backed up and ran over me again. Physically and mentally I feel like I'm completely drained. It was a proper interview, I guess. Well done, pretty journalist girl, who also reads this blog ;)

*waves at the girl in question*


*dozes off before hitting her head on the desk and waking up again*

Ah yeah... Tired. Hmm... well, the publication date of the article will be on the 14th of December, less than two weeks before I leave for Canada. Any other publications wanting to publish an article on me better hurry or something.

Next week there's the moving company visiting me for that quote and the day after that the next IPL session. More money borrowing.

I got an email regarding the apartment earlier today. It's kind of confusing. They sent me an application form with a lot of the crucial info I can't know yet not filled in. They also asked for my phone number. I guess I'll fill in the form as best as I can, and send it back with the phone number as well.

Hmm... thoughts feel fragmented somehow. Perhaps it's a hint to go to bed. I guess I didn't tell the journalist girl about my serious hatred against anything related to sex yet... or at least didn't fully explain it... but I guess it's okay. I'm too tired to care now anyway.

Soft sheets and blissful sleep sounds like a good idea right now...


Thursday, 29 November 2007

Cause And Effect~

Okay, let's first firmly establish that I'm a horrible slacker. Seriously. I said I was going to finish the new company website last weekend, tops, then it'd spill over into Monday and now it's nearly Friday already. Yay me.

*sound of a head hitting a desk*

There, that's better... Anyway, the CMS of the new website is pretty much done, just needs some last tweaks and I can put up what I've got ready to produce at least something resembling a functional website. Then all that's left is to re-arrange the forum and work on products to sell in the (currently disabled) web shop. Buy our products and buy more of them, my sweeties~ *cackles softly*

No, I'm not about to snap and a) end up in an isolation cell or b) become a mad scientist (I already am one). The reason for my rather cheerful mood at this moment is because I'm happy and slightly anxious about what's going to happen tomorrow. For the first time I'll get a chance to really speak my mind and be heard by a large audience. It feels like a kind of justice and service to the community, to warn and help others like me.

So yeah, I need to put my Wii up for sale soon. Silly Nintendo with their PAL/NTSC-only consoles. Hopefully I'll get about 250 Euro from it (Wii + Zelda Twilight Princess). It'd be nice to have a little real money again. I'm of course completely ignoring that I borrowed the money to buy the Wii in the first place from my boyfriend, but hey, details~

My sleep last night was kind of fragmented, but I did manage to wake up feeling relatively refreshed. I sure hope I sleep well tonight. I sure as hell don't want to do that interview while I'm about to nod off or so, and no, I don't drink coffee in case you're wondering :P

I'll be back for more later, my precious ones~


Wednesday, 28 November 2007

So Tired~

Not a bad kind of tired, though. I actually managed to do some work today, even though I hadn't slept well at all and felt horrible and depressed until well after noon, until I decided to take a (2-hour) nap. After that I felt a lot better.

I got a response from the journalist after sending her a reminder. Friday shortly after noon I'll be picking her up from the train station. The moving company also responded. They'll be dropping by on the 5th to give me a quote on how much it's going to cost to get my few belongings to Canada. I hope it'll be cheap enough. Researching moving companies gets old rapidly.

It's going to be a big rush to get the new company website in a usable state before Friday. We'll see how it goes. I really do love crushing deadlines :P

A little while ago I ended up in (yet another) discussion about sex and such. It was yet another reminder of how split I am on sexuality in general. On one hand I think it's something very interesting and something I'd really like to explore. At the other hand it's something which represents a large amount of (continuing) negativity to me. My general interest in sex has dropped to something close to zero.

What I am interested in, however, is getting attention for my 'issues'. It's hard to imagine a worse feeling than that of being abandoned, of being left alone to deal with some really painful things. After having been abused both mentally and sexually in the past 2+ years, it has made me quite bitter that afterwards I didn't receive much more than some pats on my back and people telling me how sorry they felt for me and how strong I must be to work my way through all that.

Thing is that I don't see myself as being strong. I'm just a weak, confused child who still hasn't really found her place. Wandering around I have to fight off attack after attack in a world I don't really understand. I'm not sure what drives me... It's more that I don't know what else I should do, and I still have this strong feeling of justice which tells me that if I give up, I'll abandon not only myself, but also those many people I still want to help. It'd also mean giving up on this big dream I have of a better world (cheesy, I know). Sometimes living for a dream, no matter how far away, is all one needs, I guess.

I'll better go to bed now before I really start talking nonsense. Goodnight, all of you crazy people ;)


Tuesday, 27 November 2007

Nothing To Say, Really...

I slept okay, woke up early and stayed in bed for a bit longer until I managed to exhaust myself enough so that I could sleep a bit more.

I had breakfast, lunch... watched anime, and worked a bit. Dropped off a package at the post office as well. I feel kind of weird, as though I'm transforming into an adult woman or so, or just finally learning to deal with it. I don't know. It's confusing.

No messages from the moving company or the journalist today. I love these nagging feelings of doubt. Or crushing, I should say. It's like I secretly want to be miserable or so. Not a trace of self-confidence or hope whatsoever.

Tomorrow I'll be working as much as possible and wait for anything to happen. There isn't anything else I can do right now. I might just cut off communication channels with others for a few days, though. Distractions aren't helping me focus on all this work.

I'm feeling tired and emotionally exhausted enough to go to bed early today. See you tomorrow.


Monday, 26 November 2007

I'm Going To Be Famous~

Last night I slept well, woke up feeling refreshed at 7 AM, ready for my appointment with the doctor. My younger brother who had been in the house for the weekend left shortly before me.

The doctor's visit was quite positive. Hormone levels were good, I can take estradiol down to 6 mg from 8, meaning that I will do a lot longer with the supply I've got of these pills at the moment. Yay me. I also got the email address of the doctor so that I can mail her for the results of the karyotype test. Convenient.

I bought some travel plugs today. It's really funny to see all the different shapes and sizes of plugs around the world. I still don't get why the US plug couldn't decide between round and rectangular pins, though. It's definitely the most schizophrenic plug of them all. The South-African one just tries to compensate for something with its size or so :P

Anyway, I got a really nice message shortly after noon. A girl I know from primary school (one year below me) who is in her last year of studying to become a journalist wanted to interview me for a local newspaper. Of course I agreed to it. She'll be coming here at my house on Friday. I really can't wait. This might be the first time I get some real recognition and attention for what I have gone through. Naturally I feel excited about it :D

See you later, still-crazier-and-more-depressed-than-me people ;)


Sunday, 25 November 2007

Crashing Through Deadlines For Fun And Profit~

So the webdevelopment project which was going to get me some much needed money was not given to me in the end. I'm now basically back to square one. At least I made sure I can borrow the money for the moving and apartment.

I did however come up with an interesting project involving an application people may find interesting, and for which I'll require alpha/beta-testers in a week or two. Details will be made available on the (soon to be relaunched) website ( ).

Yes, I did slack off on the website :P My younger brother was over for the weekend and he wanted to play some games on my Wii, which is conveniently located in my room and highly distracting, but well, I can't refuse the little tyke such things ;)

I slept quite well last night, even though I woke up about 3 times and had at least two rather interesting (coherent at least) dreams, the contents of which are rather personal and thus I won't reveal them here. Not because they were really weird and embarrassing dreams or so. Really.

Took care of some more stuff regarding Canada today, such as internet (Bell DSL), phone (mobile phone) and TV (analogue reception via antenna). I really should go to bed now, though, as I have to get up at 7 AM tomorrow if I want to make it to my doctor's appointment at 8 AM. She should have the hormone balance results of the last test for me, and I'll have to arrange something regarding the results of the karyotype test. Perhaps she can let me know via my mother or send me an email or so. We'll see.

Goodnight, you people who are all crazier than I am :P


Saturday, 24 November 2007

Emotional Roller Coasters...

At times like this I'm glad there is no easy way readily available for me to commit a painless suicide.

A cousin and his family came by earlier today to check out some furniture we were going to get rid of. The whole time he called me by my old name and showed no signs that he had any clue about my situation. I tried to correct him, but I couldn't get word inbetween the busy chattering.

Later when everyone was sitting downstairs I joined them and faced general desinterest and the few times they did express some interest in me a lack of understanding. On top of that my mother even made some jokes about me moving to Canada which were totally inappropriate. I tried to calm down and tell them something to make them realize what they were doing, but again the chatter prevented me from getting in more than a few words. Ultimately I couldn't bear it anymore and ran upstairs to my room.

More crying. One'd think that by now I'd have discovered all reasons to cry about, yet this time was different again. Eventually I calmed down and went downstairs for a moment. There they were preparing to leave, yet nobody paid any interest in me. By now I felt quite angry and before I went upstairs again hurled a chair across the room. Nobody was injured.

More crying yet again. When my mom entered my room minutes later she said the same useless things again and once more claimed that she understood me. After I told her how the way this cousin and family had treated me and how that had shocked me, she then had the nerve to use my old name as well. At that point I just told her to leave me alone.

Am I really right about everything? Am I really intersexual? Am I really a girl? Am I merely deluding myself? Why are people so cruel to me? I want to hurt them for hurting me. I feel more justified in hating or at least strongly disliking people in general at this rate.

Now I know that people will tell me that these are just a small number of people... that there are so many people out there who are really nice. Yet aside from my boyfriend I have never met anyone who has ever even come close to understanding the pain I feel inside. The pain which defines who I am right now. The pain thanks to which I can feel like a worthless existence at times like this.

Will someone please put a band-aid on this gaping flesh wound?


Tired Of Feeling Unique...

Today I finally woke up feeling somewhat rested. I even had a really intense dream last night, very random and filled with strong images from things relevant to me right now. I guess that's a good sign.

Early this morning the conversation in one IRC channel ended up about hermaphrodites. The female owner of the channel went off to find pictures of hermaphrodites on her own and posted links to them in the channel. Curious as to how I'd respond to it, I clicked those links and was greeted by some quite familiar sights. Generally it seems I don't respond in a shocked manner or so anymore. It just made me feel quite miserable that in my case the labia are still firmly grown together, I guess. I used to be in denial about my own body and profusely deny the possibility that there'd be others like me, so things do improve.

My latest 'obsession' is the fact that I don't seem to receive any help, while thousands of intersexuals and transsexuals are receiving help every day. That's enough to crush one's spirits in a quite firm way, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to live with it.

Because of this and my positive response to seeing others like me, I have decided to take a step I couldn't have taken even a short while ago.

In general I tend to prefer doing things myself. This preference has been distorted by the social isolation, however. Whenever I feel hurt or misunderstood by others I tend to completely withdraw and such in order to deal with the feelings of frustration and pain instead of dealing with them directly. This also works through in my searching for help. After my horrible experience with 'experts' here in The Netherlands it has become really hard to open myself up to help from people who can help me with my physical issues and the mental things surrounding it.

Now I want to open myself up again to people who can help me and even accept that there are others like me and even talk with them. I don't want to feel like I'm all unique and alone anymore. For this reason I want to find and get into contact with an organization for intersexual people, to gain access to their resources and meet people who know what I'm going through and can offer emotional support.

One problem with this, however, is that I can not find this organization myself, unless I'm prepared to start feeling really upset again. I've noticed multiple times in the past that just stumbling over articles or such regarding transsexuals and to some extent intersexuals tend to really, really shock me, to the point where just glancing at the article could send me straight into a depression. That's one experience I'm not quite ready to go through again.

Therefore I'll probably have to enlist my boyfriend again to do the research for me, though I'd also very much appreciate suggestions from you, my dear readers. Please help me take this one giant step forward :)

Thank you all so much for putting up with silly me,


If Only I Knew...

I didn't sleep well last night again. Felt nauseous much of the day, then developed a headache and decided to go to bed. I really don't want to get out of bed anymore. I'm feeling just too tired. It's probably due to stress or something silly like that. I'm realizing more than before now that what bothers me the most is that I don't know anything about my own body. For all I know sexual experiences actually worsen my IS condition, or something equally bad. There's just so little I can say with certainty, and it frustrates me to no end.

I felt really upset for a while today again, mostly when considering how some girls can just so carelessly give their own body away to random guys they meet on dating sites. Part of me thinks it's terrible and the mere thought of it sickens me. I've discovered that hating and not caring about others works well against this. I feel better now.

I may have an apartment in Canada. Nothing is certain yet, though. Finding a moving company which doesn't charge an arm and a leg isn't easy, however. Contacted another one who'll drop by personally next week for a quote. Need to handle financial issues surrounding my bank account and such too. I may need a Canadian account.

At least I didn't cry today except when I saw this beautiful comic:

Definitely check it out.

Goodnight, everyone.


Friday, 23 November 2007

Hitting A Brick Wall And Smashing Through It~

So I have been working quite diligently for the past few days and actually produced some results. What I didn't notice, however, was the increasing stress levels I was building up. Having lived before in a continuously high-stress environment I don't seem to have developed the ability to detect this yet, or so.

At any rate some time after noon I pretty much snapped and basically couldn't stop feeling horrible. I haven't cried like that in a while. After a while I decided I needed to get some rest and took a nap. Over 2 hours later I woke up again and did feel better. Yet when I started talking about it with my boyfriend, I kind of broke down again.

We decided to take some load off my shoulders. My boyfriend will now be taking care of a lot more arrangements regarding the moving next month. This way I can focus more on the short-term and not feel so pressured anymore. Against all odds he managed to cheer me up again :P

In other news, I booked the airplane ticket for the 27th next month (borrowed money for it). I'll cancel the return ticket once I get in Canada, I guess. Now there's just the moving stuff to worry about. My boyfriend is already looking for alternatives to the one company I contacted here in The Netherlands. Supposedly things can become a lot cheaper. The 5,000 Euro I mentioned before might be enough for even renting the apartment, or at least part of it. We'll see.

I got some more assignments from my Norwegian friend, which should get me a bit more money. Anything helps at this point.

Going to bed way past my bedtime again,


Wednesday, 21 November 2007

And Thus Things Begin To Move...

First of all, sorry if any of my writings today appear a bit fuzzy, it's a bit late already since the events today have really distracted me from updating my blog. I was originally going to write this post at around noon. Seems like a long time ago.

Today I actually went outside for a change, for some shopping. It's rather warm for the time of the year, but you won't hear me complain. I still dislike the cold :P I also scheduled an appointment with my physician for next Monday.

I've actually been working since yesterday on the new company website's back end. The intention is to get the site launched this week. I also want to get some real work done on a number of our games and other projects, so that we'll have something to sell by the end of this month. I hope that you'll all like what we'll have to offer :)

My friend and I did some research on plane ticket prices and such. Turns out that a round-trip ticket is actually cheaper than a one-way ticket, so I'll be getting one of those. The departure date is the 27th of December. Now I just need to arrange things with the moving company... and get some money to pay for the whole undertaking. This without even taking into account renting an apartment and buying furniture and such to put in it. It looks like borrowing money will be tricky, so I really hope that the first sales go well and, perhaps, some sponsor appears. One can hope.

The events on last Saturday seem to have worked as intended. Now that the effects of the shock are wearing off, I'm a lot more focused than before. I feel like I can finally put this annoying issue about my sexuality aside for a moment and focus on the things which I can actually do something about. Not a bad thing, though it'd have been great if I had felt this way months ago. It's going to be really tight getting everything to work in such a short time span.

Until tomorrow again,


Tuesday, 20 November 2007

Chasing That Faint Glimmer Of Hope...

Today I woke up feeling somewhat down. I didn't sleep very well and hours later I've still got a mild headache. The tossing and turning for a while after waking up didn't help much either.

This time it seems that the previous obsession, my sexuality, has now faded to the background and I seem to be able to focus more on my future. It sure is one hell of a mess.

Aside from moving to Canada to be with my friends and my boyfriend and receive medical care there I've got so many dreams, but all of it is still stuck on a minor detail: money. Simply put I'm pretty much broke, with currently no income. My hope since last year was that the company would begin generating money soon, and before that I'd get income from projects I did for a friend's company. The latter got stuck on clients slow with paying and the general mess of dealing with clients. I'm still supposed to get money from at least one project I did months ago.

As for the company's own projects... well, let's just say that I've really enjoyed wallowing in self-pity for a long time now, not to mention the frequent depressions and whining to random people. I sometimes feel disgusted with how weak I've been all that time. I really want to put all of it behind me so that I can move on with my future. Being stuck in the past sucks.

Sure, people will tell me that it couldn't be helped, that I needed the time to recover emotionally and such... but fact of the matter is that if I want everything to turn out fine, I have to be able to do things all by myself. If I can't fall back on my own resources and skills, then I simply don't have a backup plan. At this moment the only way I'll get to Canada is to borrow more money, and I'd hate that.

Next month will be the most expensive one in years for me. There's the monthly health-insurance payment (assuming I don't cancel it before that time), plus the beauty salon, plus the moving to Canada (moving company, plane ticket), and then the apartment costs including new furniture. Everything taken together a cool 5,000 Euro or so. It's going to be fun coughing up that money without any income.

The beauty salon expense, for those who want to know, is for (permanent) hair removal. One of the fun parts of an elevated testosterone level in women is that it promotes the growth of facial hair. Even more fun is that when this level is back to normal this growth does not stop. Obviously this isn't easy to deal with emotionally. Together with my other physical 'issues' it's the primary reason why I have so much trouble accepting that I'm a girl. Even though it's very easy for me to accept that I'm not a guy, since I've never even thought I was one :P

The IPL hair removal treatment will cost me a few thousand Euro in total. So far I have borrowed the money for it. I really hope my health insurance will pay me back at least some of it. The best thing that could happen would still be that I decide to stop slacking off and put some games and/or software online for sale with people actually buying it. Going to attempt this yet again today.


Sunday, 18 November 2007

Lovin' Shock Therapy~

Obviously I didn't update my blog yesterday. This morning I woke up quite late feeling as though I had been run over by a freight train, both physically and mentally/emotionally. Whoever said that having sex is one of the best workouts was quite right. For me it also exposes a lot of my traumas and other issues.

Yesterday afternoon I went to that threesome in Enschede and met up with the couple. We had a nice talk before we went at it and for me the events which I'm still struggling to deal with started. It was a combination of the familiar and new things. The inability to feel that what's happening is real on an emotional level, the inability to experience a male orgasm as well as a general feeling of... confusion and uncertainty, I guess.

Since the man of the couple is bisexual, he wanted me to penetrate him as well. That experience proved for me that I'm indeed not bisexual in the classical sense. I simply feel not comfortable with using my male side in a bisexual fashion. This while using my female side for intercourse with a male is something I consider normal and even desirable, but which is also impossible at the moment until I get that surgery. Because of this the couple felt that the man was pushed to the sidelines. When they told me this today I felt horrible. It just reinforces for me that I'm just a freak for whom sexuality is something I'd better just forget about. Yes, I'm back to hating sexuality in general.

Perhaps I'll be able to enjoy my sexuality some time in the future, but with the way things are now, it's just something which keeps bothering and hurting me. I'd gladly be rid of it right now. On my way back from Enschede yesterday, I gradually descended back into a depression, to the point where I began to entertain the thought of committing suicide once more. Being worn out from my experiences that day, I had little energy left to fight back these negative feelings. I ended up crying myself to sleep once more. God, I hate this :(

Yet I voluntarily participated in this event, in the full knowledge that it'd hurt me. A lot. This is because I can only see two ways to find answers at the moment: one is through (positive) sexual experiences, the other is through medical tests. The latter is definitely the one I want to see the most, but which is impossible with the way things are now. I tried to reason with psychologists and doctors here in The Netherlands for over 2 years, only to be denied any form of help and adding a few more traumas and such to my emotional wreck of a mind. The continuing uncertainty about what my body is really like, what I really have down there and what other oddities may exist throughout my body, it just keeps destabilizing me emotionally.


The next few weeks I'll be spending processing these experiences and hopefully figure out some useful things. For now I'm completely through with sexuality in general and don't even want to think about it anymore. All I can conclude for now is that I'm 'different' to such an extent that I'm effectively defective.

I said before that I would like to work like crazy starting today, and I think that if I want to keep what remains of my sanity, I should do so. Waste some of that precious mental energy on doing useful work instead of thinking in circles.

Until next time,


Friday, 16 November 2007

One Way To Get New Experiences~

Just a small update before I vanish for a bit. In less than an hour I'll be picked up by this guy from Enschede to go out. I heard something about 3 AM or such, so I hope I can stay awake that long. I may either stay at his place, or return home. I don't know which yet.

Earlier today I got invited to a threesome, which has now been planned for tomorrow. It's one way to get over that cancelled orgy, I guess :P

At least this way I'll be able to get in some work on Sunday, I hope. I really hope things go well tonight and tomorrow, and above all that it'll help me figure out some more stuff. I'll update the blog as soon as I can.

Wish me luck,


Thursday, 15 November 2007

Feeling Mellow~

Okay, so today I did like almost completely nothing. I did get a phonecall from the hospital in response to my earlier inquery regarding how long it'd take for the results of the karyotype test to become known. 8 weeks was the answer. This means that I'll have to arrange something with my physician or so to get the results, since it'll be January by then, and I'll be safely in Canada. I think.

Further I did some much needed relaxing with a hot shower and such. I'm all sparkly clean and such now. Not that I was smelly and/or dirty before, mind you :P

The orgy on Saturday is now officially canceled. The mother of the girl who organized is in hospital and not doing too well, so obviously that won't set the right mood. They promised they'd contact me if they want to try it again. I'll see.

At any rate I've got an appointment set for tomorrow night. I'll be picked up by the guy from Enschede for a night of going out. I hope I'll last until 3 AM as he promised. With some luck we'll also meet up with his ex-girlfriend. Can't wait to hear what she thinks about me. And I don't even mean in reference to the dirty dancin' people do in bed (and other locations). I hope it'll be a pleasant experience.

So yeah, it'll be a far more quiet weekend than initially anticipated. At least I may get some work done now, though :) I've still got the company website to finish, as well as some game scripts and programming things. Canada is still looking very distant as well. I hope I can feel it come closer really soon now... hopefully without resorting to borrowing money yet again.

Wish me luck and a good night's sleep,


Wednesday, 14 November 2007

Someone Put Me Out Of My Misery, Please...

This morning I went to the hospital to give some blood for the karyotype test. This went okay. I don't know yet when the results will be known, though.
I should have asked when I was there, but I forgot. I sent an email today to the hospital to ask, if I don't receive a reply by tomorrow, I'll call them.

I've realized that the results of this test mean more to me than I had anticipated. Apparently my inability to fully accept/justify that I'm female can be made a lot better or worse by the results, even though I know I shouldn't make such a fuss about it, since they're hardly conclusive. Yet I feel that if the result is XY, my world will pretty much collapse.

The past days I haven't slept well. I'm stressed beyond belief. I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the entire world, plus a bit more, and I don't see when this will end. I wish I could stop worrying about things and relax. At the rate things are going I'm not sure how long I'll last.

My hope is that this is just another phase I have to go through on my road to recovery, but the lack of people actively assisting me certainly isn't helping. I still feel like the psychologists and doctors here in The Netherlands hate me and make fun of me, that other people just pat me on the back while I struggle onwards, towards that distant goal, while well aware of the broken down bridges and impassable abysses on the way.

What am I clinging on to and why? At times like this I feel like I'm going nowhere. I'm still sitting here in my room, behind my PC, only really communicating via the Internet. This is no different from what I've done for the past 10 years or so. I'm still alone, without real-life friends and people beyond my direct family who care at least a bit about me. In my mind I can see this future in Canada, where I'll be living happily with lots of friends, my boyfriend and build up a wonderful company which will fulfill my dreams. I so want it to be true, but reality is so unforgiving that it almost makes me want to give up.

I was supposed to have gotten today an invite for that orgy on Saturday, but I didn't receive it. I just happened to have sent an email asking for confirmation today as well, and just heard about it. Now I'm supposed to contact them by phone tomorrow. Still waiting for that phone number. Things like this don't really make me want to go through with it anymore. I'm playing with thoughts of just canceling the whole thing and curl up in a dark corner and forget about it all, pretend everything is fine.

I'll still be going out with that guy in Enschede, though. I should contact him tomorrow for the final arrangements... if only I knew whether there is something on Saturday or not :(

Going to cry myself to sleep now,


Tuesday, 13 November 2007


I'm feeling a bit tired and confused at the moment, so excuse me if I don't fully make sense. A lot of things have happened today, and many others are waiting to either happen or not.

Today I went to see my family doctor. While she didn't know exactly about how the karyotype test works, this time she was so kind as to call to the lab to ask there for more information. As it turns out, they perform that test at a different lab, but they couldn't figure out the right kind of tube or so to use for the blood at that first lab, so in the end I have to go to that other lab. This is in Enschede, a city not too far from here. I'll be driving there with my younger brother who has to move some of his stuff to his room there tomorrow.

Finding the place won't be an issue, nor will be the blood-taking part. Good thing I don't mind needles that much. The really interesting thing will be when the results of the karyotype test become known. Basically, if it's XX, then the possibility of me being a chimera is quite small, and further testing won't be really necessary. If it's XY, however, it's quite likely that I am a chimera, requiring further testing. Any further tests will probably be performed in Canada, though. Waiting for such results is always a lot of fun :P

In other news, I have not received a confirmation for the orgy on Saturday yet. Perhaps I'm just impatient, but a message would have been nice by now. It's hard to plan anything this way. Ah well, at least I've got a really exciting event planned for Friday: the first time that I'll go out. Yes, you heard that right, I've never gone out before ;) A guy who I met a short while ago via the Internet, and who happens to live in Enschede offered to take me out. With some luck we'll also be meeting his ex-girlfriend. He's trying to set up a threesome or so ^_^ We'll see what happens there.

Anyway, I've still got a lot of work to do for the company. The new website is finally coming along now and should be launched this week. We should begin selling some products later this month as well. It'd be great if we finally got some profit going. Even though I'm getting donations now (one so far, many thanks to such a generous person), it'd be nice to not have to rely on financial aid to get all this stuff working. I'm still a few thousand Euros short of making the move to Canada, sadly, and I'd prefer not to borrow all the money. This even ignoring the medical costs I'll incur once I'm Canada.

One step at a time, I guess...


Monday, 12 November 2007

Keeping the Faith

Today Patches was buried next to his favourite tree. It's the final farewell to this wonderful animal, yet we'll never forget him. He'll forever live on in our memories, and in at least one of our Artificial Intelligence projects, which has been dedicated to him.

Earlier today I had been struggling with a few of my emotional issues. Basically what it comes down to is that I find it very hard to trust people due to my social isolation trauma, which is kind of messed up: I really want to be with people and be friends and be loved and experience physical contact (like hugging and just being silly in general), yet at the same time I feel that I can not trust people to help me. That in the end they don't really care about me and will always abandon me. This of course extends into the upcoming medical stuff once I'm in Canada. I honestly can not believe or have faith in that anyone is going to help me there. On a rational level I know it's the best option I have and will probably work out fine, but emotionally I have kind of given up hope, if I ever had any.

That I feel like this isn't so crazy, of course. Being without social interaction for about 19 years, feeling like you're on your own all that time, then being chewed out and ridiculed by those psychologists who I had pinned my hopes on... All taken together I can't honestly remember a time when someone was actively helping me with anything. It'll take me a long time to get rid of these feelings, but that can only happen if I actually receive active help. The crushing feeling of being on my own and without assistance from others, false as it may be, sure doesn't help me cope with it.

In more positive news, after some talks with my boyfriend, I have decided to take a karyotype test after all. This test will basically show whether I'm XX or not. I do not expect the results of this test to be very shocking, as the development of my skeleton among other anatomical features does show a development not seen with XY genes. It is however possible that I'm a chimera, i.e. the result of two fetuses merging in the womb (I was part of a twin, the other fetus supposedly didn't survive), in which case I could have both XX and XY cells. Chimeras are a common cause of intersexuality.

A karyotype test is carried out on cells extracted from one's blood. Along with that test I'll have my hormone values checked again as well. I haven't noticed anything that'd indicate a disturbed hormone balance, but one can't be careful enough. Especially since I've had to determine the proper doses of the testosterone blocker and estradiol tablets which I'm taking (without prescription!) myself. The amount of support I'm getting even from my own physician is pretty much hovering a few femtometers from zero. No wonder I'm bitter about my experiences so far, I guess.

In other news, I bought those new boots :) I'll put up some pics on my Facebook profile (see links section) hopefully tomorrow. Until then,


And So Life Goes On~

Nobody ever said life was easy, but few things are as hard as losing someone or something precious to you. Earlier today Patches, favourite cat of my boyfriend and everyone else who had ever met him, passed away after a long struggle against FIV, the feline form of HIV. Despite all the struggles this wonderful cat had to put up with, he nevertheless was the happiest cat one could find, for over 11 years. We'll all deeply miss him.

Yet life goes on. Time is still ticking and decisions which should be taken today won't wait for someone to make up his or her mind. With a heavy heart after experiencing a loss one still has no choice but to turn around and continue walking towards the future. And so we shall.

I'm glad I started this blog. I've already received so many positive comments and generally people seem to realize a lot better what I've gone through and thus find it easier to get closer to me. One thing people do not seem to really grasp, however, is my seemingly unfounded hatred against anything male. Allow me to take an axe to the tree of male self-confidence in the following lines:

A number of years ago a cousin of mine, as well as her sister, were sexually abused by her uncle and another man. This cousin ended up committing suicide because she couldn't deal with it. She was just one year older than me. No action was undertaken against the perpetrators.

A good friend of mine was, starting early in her youth, sexually abused by her father and brothers. Then later raped by a 'friend'. I've also got some issues with her boyfriend, who managed to hurt her a lot by trying to make her pregnant despite the fact that she's nearly infertile, resulting in miscarriage after miscarriage. The poor girl was still dealing with so many issues that she didn't even object to this. To me this represents a girl who has been completely broken by the cruelty of men. Naturally I smacked that boyfriend around to make him realize what he was doing. He seems to have repented.

As I told in an earlier post, my trust in this 'friend' I met about a year ago was brutally betrayed by him forcing himself on me, making me deal with a guilt complex, a shattered self-image and a seemingly eternal distrust of anything resembling a male. I feel that I have to defend girls against guys now. It's taken me a while to realize that not all girls need to be protected, and that some guys are okay.

Few people seem to realize the impact of having one's body violated. My case wasn't that severe in retrospective, yet the emotional impact of it no less severe. The feeling of having one's trust in people so brutally disturbed is painful beyond belief. Based on my direct and indirect experiences with intimacy and sexuality, I have thus subconsciously come to the conclusion that males are self-centered, ruthless brutes, who lack any sense of a conscience. Naturally, allowing them near girls is thus wrong and has to be avoided. This also means that I have trouble understanding why a girl would want to be with a guy, as this poses an unacceptable risk. A guy can never do anything which won't harm the girl in the end, right?

And this is why I need to face this trauma head-on. Assuming things go as planned, next Saturday I'll be exposed to a lot of sexual experiences which'll make me feel uncomfortable or worse. I may even run away screaming and/or in shock in the worst case. Best case it'll be a largely positive experience, however, which is what I'm counting on. I have however canceled the threesome, as I didn't trust the guy one bit. Yes, I'm still careful :)

Wish me luck, if you dare...


Saturday, 10 November 2007

Back To Business~

As is often said, depression is just a state of mind, like a kind of confusion.To deal with it one just deals with the parts one can deal with and shelves the rest for further analysis. After all, emotional distress is merely caused by a lack of understanding.

After my earlier post this morning I've felt quite good. I've done some work on some software/game development projects and did some useful research. I also had a nice walk into town (about a 15 minute walk) and did some shopping (bought some things from the women's section which guys generally only dare to glance at). I also looked at some nice boots I want to buy. I really need to get some proper boots for the winter, especially once I'm in Canada. Too bad that I'll have to borrow money yet again. Technically I guess I'm already bankrupt :P Big thanks to my mother and boyfriend for keeping me afloat financially while I try to get my life back on track. I love you both.

So today I got the quote from the moving company regarding the costs for moving my stuff to Canada. It's not nearly as bad as I had calculated in the initial (pessimistic!) budget. Only about 1/4th of the 10k Euro I had allocated will indeed go to the moving. That's a big relief. Of course, at this point I'll still have to borrow that money as well. *grumbles* Sometimes I wish I wouldn't slack off so much and actually do some work. I seem to recall myself saying that I'd have products ready to sell about a year ago. Clearly that didn't happen. Of course, I was also far too optimistic back then.

At the moment I'm working on a huge range of projects, from game engines, a graphical interface library, complete games, a server-infrastructure to a range of projects in very early stages, like the real-AI project, aimed at developing a (high-level) AI library. I've always seen AI as something which is relatively easily obtainable and which by extension makes immortality very much achievable. That's a whole can'o'worms I won't open just yet, though. I don't feel like fundamentalistic people trying to beat me up again. Not while it's nearly time for bed and I'm about to topple over. I actually didn't take a nap today like I did the past few days. I guess that means that I am dealing with things quite well now or so.

So yeah, just over a month until I'm supposed to be leaving for Canada. Plan A for the funds (paying for it myself) still being a far-off dream. I'll need to work like crazy to make this happen. I'm also considering raising some funds through donations, which'd require a) lots of nice people and b) a lot more attention for this blog. So basically I'm stuck with doing a lot of work, be it programming, writing game scripts or doing marketing for the coming month to scrape some cash together. Ah well, at least there's a plan B, I guess, even if it makes me feel a bit guilty to keep borrowing money like this.

In less stellar news, the health of my boyfriend's favourite cat, Patches, who has been kind of sick for a while already has taken a turn for the worse the past days. Poor Patches has been rushed to a vet where he may or may not recover. I definitely hope it'll be the former. I still haven't had a chance to meet this wonderful cat in real life yet, and my boyfriend is having quite a hard time dealing with this all. Not so strange considering that he has known Patches since forever, and they have always been very good friends. Please spare a few happy thoughts and wishes for Patches to recover the coming days.

Alright, back to work for another half an hour or so, then it'll be bed time. I sure hope I get a good night's rest tonight, and a lot of good news tomorrow.

Stay healthy,


Welcome to Depression...

Seriously, I hate waking up like this. It's past 4 AM now. I woke up at around 3.50 AM after going to bed just past 11 PM. I know I should sleep some more, but my head is full of thoughts which make it impossible to sleep, and worst of all, I'm feeling so incredibly negative again. Negative about what you may ask? Not sure. Just a general feeling of negativity. Like I want to cry and cry until I'm exhausted at this whole unfairness which is called life. Or the world. Or something. I don't really know.

It might just be part of the recovery process. I know that I've got lots of issues in my past which I haven't processed yet. Growing up without an identity, no self-image, no self-esteem, no physical contact whatsoever, and still feeling like I am 12 or so instead of 24, even though my body is definitely hinting that I'm quite a bit older than the former. With then the mental rejection of that body, since it can't seem to completely figure it out. I often go through moments like this, especially when I'm dealing with a lot of issues, which I do as of late.

I have decided that the best way to deal with my traumas, especially those related to intimacy and sexuality, is to confront them directly, in a kind of shocktherapy. Assuming things work out, I've got at least one threesome and an orgy planned next week alone. I barely know the people I'll be doing this with. I just met them randomly on a sexdating site. Does this feel right to me? My rational side is telling me that it's not exactly the proper way, that I should do such things with people I know better and can trust, but at the same time the traumatized/emotional side of me is in such agony at times that it pretty much scares the hell out of me, especially since I can't seem to figure out what the exact causes are.

Okay, so I'll be having sex with random people. With the way I feel at the moment about sexuality and my own body it might just do the trick and make me realize what the hell I'm doing, what the hell is wrong with me and what is not wrong with me. When it comes to sexuality I really do feel lost, and I love my body and loathe it at the same time. I don't want any harm to come to it, thus I will defend myself against any threat in a ferocious manner, yet when it comes to my sexuality I just feel dead and indifferent. It might be the sexual abuse which makes me feel like this, like my body has lots its value after that experience. I do know that particular experience did crush my confidence that I could have sex at all, that I was just defective, a joke of a human being, doomed to try and fail to be intimate with others, and of course there was the big joke that sex and intimacy could be 'fun'. To me sexuality is something horrifying, something which is meant to bring pain and suffering to people. Girls and people like me. With guys as the predators in the night.

Did I mention yet that I hate thinking like that? I really do try to think positively, but at moments like this there's this overwhelming feeling of sadness, pain, anger and other emotions deep inside my mind and tummy, which makes it hard to keep up any hope at all. It's not as bad as a few months ago, when I was trying to accept people in general and social interaction in particular. Feeling like nobody in the entire world cares about you even in the slightest, that if you were to commit suicide people closest to you would forget about you in weeks, others in less time than that. That your whole existence really doesn't matter. I really hate, yet somehow love that voice telling me that suicide is the solution. I know it's wrong to listen to it, yet it's such a comforting voice. It's like the only voice I have ever heard telling me something which I can immediately find comfort in, an immediate 'solution'. No false promises or 'it'll be fine'. I seriously hate it whenever someone tells me it'll be fine.

For nearly 3 years now I have struggled to find help. Not people who tell me how horrible it must have been for me and wish me luck. I've repeated that routine thousands of times by now. I still don't know what they're wishing me luck for. Perhaps a painless suicide? Okay, that was a very wrong joke.


At last, the messed up negative feeling inside me is retreating now. It seems that I have won yet another empty battle. If only I knew when this war would end...

But seriously, I don't need a shrink, I need a doctor who knows what the hell he's doing. If I could just get that surgery to restore my body to something vaguely resembling and usable as a female body (scans of and surgery on whatever female reproductive organs did develop), I know that these mental issues and emotional cascades would largely disappear, and the real emotional recovery could begin.

One can surely hope. Sometimes...


Thursday, 8 November 2007

For Those Just Joining Us...

*taps the microphone*

"Test... 1... 2... 3... works~"

Welcome to the first post on this particular blog. What's so special about this blog, you may be wondering? Well, it's mine of course ;)

Before I begin the real post, I'd like to note that the contents of this blog may be experienced as shocking or offensive to some. Those who do not want to hear detailed descriptions about the human anatomy and medical issues would best be advised to not read on. For everyone else, please try to enjoy and learn as much as possible ^-^

Very well, time to introduce myself, I guess. For those who haven't listened to my whining and such the past years on IRC, here's the 'short' version:

I was mistaken for, and raised as a boy because my intersexuality (female with incomplete female and mostly complete male sexual organs in my case) wasn't recognized after birth. After my fifth year I began to withdraw into myself, mostly due to my giftedness and general discomfort with my environment. For the next 19 years I would avoid any social interactions, live without friends and reject any physical contact with another human being. Before puberty my emotional development pretty much grinded to a halt.

When I finally snapped out of my withdrawal in early 2005 the first thing I had to come to terms with was my body. No longer could I pretend it was a child's body. Basically I had to figure out what it really was. Looking back at my own behaviour, I decided that at least mentally I was female, and since I had always been told that I was male, my body had to be male. So I had to be transsexual then. The coming weeks I'd do research on the internet and finally learn to look at my own body, which is when I started noticing some oddities. Namely my body didn't look that male-like at all. That was when I started suspecting that I was intersexual. Further research (literature and on my own body) confirmed this.

With this information I went to the 'gender team' in Amsterdam, which specializes in treating transsexuals, but which supposedly treated intersexual people as well. I was optimistic that I'd be welcomed there with open arms and receive all the care I needed. What followed was nothing short of a horror scenario. To start things off with, after the initial intake appointment they had me wait 6 months (they promised 4 months) before I decided to call them. Clearly forgotten that I even existed, they scheduled an appointment with one of their psychologists.

This psychologist seemed very understanding at first. When I told her about my thoughts and suspicions she scheduled an appointment with a gynaecologist. The moment I was alone with this man I knew that things wouldn't turn out right. He wanted me to show exactly where I could feel something resembling a vagina underneath the skin. Me being terrified had pretty much frozen up at that point already. With all my muscles in my body contracted it was of course impossible to check out the area in question. Ultimately he concluded that I had mistaken my anus for a vagina or something equally insane and that he couldn't find any evidence that I was anything but a generic male.

The follow-up appointment with the psychologist descended into a drama, with lots of shouting, crying and me getting kicked out. The next 6-7 months I'd spend fighting with another psychologist not connected to the gender team before I returned to Amsterdam again for another try. This was in january of 2007. The first appointment with the psychologist (not the same woman) went rather well, with me feeling positive that this time it'd actually work out. The second appointment, however, involved her retreating on all her promises she made the first time and forcing me to comply with their protocol, which I knew wasn't going to work for me. I was pretty much done with fighting these people at that point. For the first time since I began looking for help in 2005 I finally snapped. In a fit of anger I threw my belongings on the floor and left the room to calm down and collect my thoughts.

They called my mother, who had come with me, into the room where I had been minutes ago for a talk. Later I heard that they were worried that I might be suffering from anger attacks and even abusing my own mother by hitting her and such. They even suggested that I might have to be sent to an institution for treatment. Later, with my mom still in the room, I was called inside as well. There I finally told the psychologist how horrible I felt about the way I was being treated and that they were literally trying to kill me, just so that they could stick to their precious protocol, meanwhile ignoring that they had been trying to brainwash me into believing that I was just a transsexual boy, even though that was clearly nonsense by that time.

In the end I left the room on my own accord after telling the psychologist that she didn't care about me at all. I canceled all outstanding appointments and left that hospital for the last time. That was the very first time that I had felt strong enough to stand up for myself. I've seldomly felt so good in my life. It was like I was walking on clouds. Less than a month after that I had started on the hormone treatment to get a normal female hormone balance. Sure, what I was doing was not according to the rules, and I was taking medicines which could kill or cripple me without prescription, but I didn't care. For the first time since early 2005 I felt that I was in control and free to do what I knew what was good for me.

The past months I've made some impressive progress. I've begun to develop socially, showed my pictures to people I knew via the internet, finally got the confirmation that way that I wasn't ugly, or worse, looked like a boy. Got a boyfriend, had my first sexual experiences (with another girl, my boyfriend still lives an ocean away from me :( ), and generally learned to look at myself as a grown woman instead of a child. I've also learned that my body is indeed that of a regular female, just with some weird stuff going on down there. I can get both female and male orgasms, for example. It'll still take me a while to figure this all out :P

This doesn't mean that things are fine, though, even though they keep improving. I've still got quite a few social and sexual traumas. The past month I've started to recall memories of about a year ago, when I was sexually abused by a belgian boy who I had met via the internet (where else?) and who said he could help me. I still can't trust males for this reason, and nearly go insane at the thought of a man having sex with a woman. It just hits too close to home or so. I'm also jealous of other women, because they don't have to go through what I'm dealing with, and never have to worry about their own body, or so it feels.

At the moment I'm working on migrating to Canada, so that I can meet up with my boyfriend there, build up our company (software development, R&D), and receive the medical care I sought here in The Netherlands in vain. It's still far from certain that I'll have secured the funds to be in Canada before XMas this year, however, which is another thing for me to worry about. That's also why I started this blog: so that I could spill my thoughts and let the rest of the world carry some of the weight of my troubles.

Anyway, I'll leave it at this for now. It's time for me to go to bed right after I post this text which is much longer than I had originally envisioned :P

Until the next time,