Wednesday 30 October 2019

Moments when one truly is alive

Perhaps the most ironic thing about feeling alive is that it's something of which is only truly aware when the numbness of merely existing subsides. When one's thoughts during the day consist mostly out of reminders of one's duty and unpleasant recollections of previous failures, the world around you will keep turning a shade more grey and dull every moment. When one feels haunted by one's past, more rocks keep getting added to this weight that is slowly crushing one's soul and spirit.

To then be reminded of what it is like to feel alive is both a wondrously amazing and yet exceedingly excruciating experience. While feeling the lightness, colours and happiness flood one's system, it is impossible to not start crying. To release the pain, to celebrate the feeling of being alive and to embrace the warmth of hope and faith. That there is more to this world than duty and repressing past failures and traumas. That life can be a world filled with merry laughter and warmth.


Remembering those moments when one is only distantly aware of the fact that one's body is really, that this world in which this body exists and moves around in is real. What's real, after all?

Haunted by the pain of the past, of being lied to and deceived. One remembers being a boy, only one wasn't a boy. That was all a lie. One remembers being told things by doctors. By psychologists. By random people. One's mind briefly revisits childhood traumas. One tries to remember that although all of it was real once, it is now in the past. It all blends together into this frantic and unrelenting assault on one's sanity. Past. Present. Future. Which way is which again?


Some rare moments I can feel my spirit lifted up and the bleakness of merely existing lifted through unexpected means. Such as through a well-written love story, where the characters truly feel like they could exist and their struggles and relationship feels genuine. Or a bitter-sweet film, where self-sacrifice somehow offers hope to many others. Moments when one can feel the raw emotions welling up inside of one's chest, with nothing in between to deaden or hide it. Suddenly everything all seems so clear and the world so full of life.

It makes one feel that life is indeed worth living. Not out of duty or obligation, but because one is filled with the passion of life, and one is a human being who can experience all of those aspects of life, while sharing those experiences with others.


It's such a difference from living with the bleakness of merely existing and false hope. When the euphoria wears off again, it's all too easy to slip back into the shadows. Feel the warm glow of loving and being loved back slowly cool and fade until it feels fake and forced. Accept that it was all just a play of one's emotions, unrelated to reason and one's humanity. Or was it?

Maybe it are those moments when we truly allow our humanity to shine through, when we are no longer bound by the shackles our minds have created over the years. Accepting this would however highlight the tragedy of most 'social gatherings', which appear to be driven primarily out of duty and obligation, not because it is truly because we want it, or because it makes us feel alive.

Can you feel the pain inside? Can you feel the weight crushing your spirit, even as you lie to yourself? Again?

Are you happy? Do you feel alive? Do you want to cry in rage and pain?

Do you feel like sobbing uncontrollably in joy? Do you feel your heart overflowing with love?

Do you feel human?

Do you exist?


Are you alive?


Maya

Monday 28 October 2019

Happy human humanism

There's always been a significant amount of chatter and debate on the nature of humankind, and the state as well as the direction of society. Whether we talk about the glory days of the Akkadian Empire, the Babylonian era that followed it, the pip-squeak nations and empires of the Ancient Greek and Romans, or the fresh-faced societies that appeared after medieval times in Europe, many a philosopher, politician and common folk have seen fit to comment on those points.

A big constant in those many thousands of years has been the struggle between essentially the supernatural and rational schools of thoughts. One advocating humankind and this Earth as some kind of set piece in a game between supernatural beings that far exceed our capability of reason and power. The latter advocating humankind as individuals in a world that can only be understood if regarded and interpreted in a rational, logical fashion. The former school of thought promotes religion and so-called spiritualism. The latter is commonly referred to as humanism.


When it comes to my own views, it has likely helped that I grew up in an environment where religion was practically absent, and critical thought encouraged. Unshackled by views forced onto me while still developing my thinking skills, I have always found the concept of humankind being a set piece somewhat ridiculous. It was quite obvious to me that everything that I could see around me and see on television was humans doing things to other human beings. Whether they were nice or not so nice things.

The main issue I see with the non-rational school of thought when it comes to humankind's position in this world is that there is no evidence to support it. Though many are adamant that there's 'something more' and that 'some things cannot be explained', scientific progress over the past centuries has shown that the only place where this way of thinking truly flourishes is within the gaps of our knowledge and understanding. Religion and spiritualism are therefore symptoms of ignorance where our brain tries to fill in the gaps, finding patterns and understanding where there is none.


Realistically, I have always been a humanist, in the sense that I acknowledge that there are no higher powers other than us humans, with societies shaped by our intellectual capabilities and our other defining features. There are no gods or mysterious forces to take into account. No gods to communicate with or take orders from. Our lives are not determined by supernatural beings, but our own to live and decide about. Mostly, that is.

While in essence we can decide about our own fate and lives, sadly too many in society are born, grow up and will die in a society that is in every way as restrictive as the gods of religious texts could impose on their followers. The cruelty of religious and other dogma, that of induced economical scarcity of resources, the denying of education, healthcare, affordable housing and a happy existence based on one's social status, etc. All of those things are inflicted by human beings upon other human beings.

Nobody told them to do those things. Much like with the horrors inflicted during war time, the horrors we inflict upon others during peace time happen because at some point societies and groups of people become more than just individuals, and irrational rules and laws take on their own life, perpetuated in a system that's both formed out of individual human beings, and which strips those same individuals from their ability to self-determinism, freedom and all too often happiness.


The injustices in modern society are simply too many. Yet we humans keep finding ways to get around fixing them. Whether it's tradition, pure inertia or simply a sense of helplessness. We can see a family become homeless through no fault of their own and struggle for survival on the streets. We can walk past a beggar without a shred of guilt. We watch armed conflicts on the news with emotional detachment, even as pictures of dead and starving civilians pass by. Because those things simply happen, and we as an individual are powerless to do anything about it.

In a sense things like nationalism, greed, egoism, cognitive bias and so on are at the core of society's problems. They are problems because they are not rational and therefore unhelpful or even outright harmful. They impede progress, are the very reason behind conflict and the rejection of new ideas.


If I hold a belief it is that I believe that although humans are the very cause of most human suffering, those same humans also have the capability to prevent and end this suffering. By making a fairer society that's based on reason and intellectualism, one could create a world in which it truly does not matter what kind of environment one is born into. Instead of a dystopian society where your social station and success in life depends on your birth and matching the right requirements to qualify for preferential treatment, we could have a society in which needless suffering is eradicated.

It could be a society where any problem by an individual is seen as a problem for the entire society, with everyone pitching in to their abilities to resolve the problem. A society which works towards a common goal of making life better for everyone, instead of giving you a 'tough cookies' if your ability to self-exploit yourself for progressing in society isn't quite strong enough.


Here I think that a society as portrayed in the original Star Trek series (especially The Next Generation) hits many of the right notes, where people live to improve themselves, not because they must, but because they want to. They aren't being forced to exploit themselves through working menial and unwanted jobs, but they are motivated to seek the parts of themselves which they'd like to improve, regardless of whether it's in social studies, art, medicine, or some branch of science.

I think the most wonderful thing about that vision is that it'd finally end the role of our animal past, putting behaviour and simple hormonal needs behind us and instead finally embracing our humanity.


Maya

Thursday 10 October 2019

Identity unknown

Everything changes. I feel myself dragged along with the changes.

A home. Work. Fading stress.

New questions. Restless feelings and emotions.


Every day trying to convince myself to do the work that needs doing, yet feeling ever more unsettled by feelings of hopelessness and despair.

What's the meaning of the work I do? Of the projects I do in my spare time? Though it feels okay while I can push myself into doing some writing and programming, it's hard to see it all go anywhere. To see a future.

I cannot even see myself any more. Or maybe I never really did. This body of mine sometimes feels like that of a stranger. Other times I can just feel helpless rage and incredible sadness when I consider this body. When I consider being intersex and the many years of doctors and psychologists forcing the identity of a transsexual male on me instead of listening to me and performing medical tests, I just want to scream and cry.

The traumas and confusion of the past decades blur together even as I can still see the good memories during those years through my tears.


Every day I can feel that something isn't right inside my body as it goes through its monthly cycle. The constant distension that keeps worsening along with weight gain. The pain and discomfort in the lower abdomen and perineum that only subsides briefly after each cycle.

I should go to a doctor with it. Just like I have been trying for the past years. Last year started off with me getting exploratory surgery to investigate these pains, but like with every examination attempt but the proper surgery in 2011, nothing ever results from it. I cannot motivate myself any more to consider going to a doctor at this point, as it'd only add to the pain and trauma.

I have had a few people contact me who told me that they're intersex. They invariably ask for advice and help. Yet what can I offer there? Just tales of trauma and disappointment. Of decades wasted on ignorant, arrogant doctors and kin, and a lifetime of regrets for having wasted so many years on what turned out to be fruitless? I failed to find help. I can do nothing more about this intersex thing except hope that it doesn't cause real medical problems beyond chronic pain at some point.

Life would have been so much better if I wasn't born intersex. If intersex didn't exist. If it all just went up and vanished. Just like all of this other gender and sexuality and related nonsense. All it means to me is pain and suffering. I hate all of it. I wish I could just rip it out of my body. Become just a human being and leave the suffering behind that come with those disgusting things.


In some parallel universe I guess there was a me who did write that autobiography, didn't waste years on the useless medical system and who is doing pretty darn well. As for the me in this universe, I guess that person will be struggling month after month to keep up the energy to make enough to pay the rent and food, while still dreaming of a future in which everything will be better, without struggling and worries about health and such.

It's nice to be able to lie to oneself to not lose all hope.


Maya