Identity-less...

I've been reading back some old log entries and been thinking a lot about past events. It frightens me to see how much I have changed. Sure, rationally I'm still the same person, but on an emotional level I've turned into this bitter, sarcastic bitch who is disappointed with everything and is more paranoid than that guy down the street who keeps announcing the end of the world and claims that CIA agents are spying on him. At this point I can get up out of bed feeling happy and energetic, I'll read a few news posts, read some forums and chat with some people, and within 1-2 hours I'll feel sick and depressed. The only topics which are now 'safe' for me involve matters only addressing my rational side and do not touch upon anything my emotional side might spaz out about. Things like relations, sex, gender, suicide, death, friendship, finances, adulthood, crime, many medical topics, and much, much more are all black-listed. Every time I come across one of them, it's as though I get a small electrical shock which drains off some energy and leaves behind a dark void.

I'd describe my situation as-is pretty much hopeless. According to that clinic in Germany they've looked with a team at the MRI images and now they say that they aren't really sure what they're seeing on it. At receiving this news last week my world crumbled a bit more and I collapsed emotionally (hysteria), taking me about an hour to recover. On Monday I went for an intake appointment for a psychiatrist, but I learned that it'll take about 3-4 weeks before I first get to talk to one. On Tuesday and today I suffered another attack of hysteria, involving me crying, laughing madly for tens of minutes, talking nonsense, yelling, spasms and more. I do not have conscious control over my body at this point. It reminds me of last year when I found myself lying on the floor, unable to move a muscle in a similar situation.

I was supposed to meet up with a number of girls the past weeks. Like vanishing girl, they've all either vanished, came up with an excuse, or just left me standing at the trainstation where they said they'd pick me up. I'm more sick than ever with meeting people and want to just shut down any and all emotions pertaining to this. At this point I don't need other people anyway other than to support my wussy, crumbling and/or dying emotional side. I doubt it'll ever grow beyond the emotional capacity of a 10-year old anyway.

At this moment I need a few things. First is answers to the fundamental questions about my body. It's most definitely not a male body, that much is sure. It seems to be largely female in terms of build (just not the sexual organs), has XY blood, unknown other tissues, can get female orgasms but not male ones... It's a huge mess and I seem to be fully dependent on the doctors here to answer those questions about what my body is exactly. I was supposed to have another appointment with Linthorst of the AMC, but he hasn't notified me yet with the date and time for the appointment next week. I hope he doesn't forget about me like that German hospital did.

To get one thing perfectly clear: I wouldn't give a damn if I were to get a trans-gender surgery which'd turn me into a 'normal' female first thing tomorrow. I'd be just as unhappy as I'm now because I'm looking for answers, not to see some kind of hazy ideal fulfilled. This is another reason why I'm not going to play a transsexual, as it wouldn't do me any darn good.

Another thing I really need right now is money... basically if I don't earn money this month, I might as well quit the company (Nyanko) and apply for social security, living out my days as a leech on society. It's not like I can work anywhere but in my own company (I've worked for others in the past, it wasn't pretty). So I have to somehow motivate myself. Tough one. Perhaps I'll just turn off all IM applications, stop visiting any and all non-tech forums, and stop answering my phone. Then I can finally work in peace. At least I already quit all social networking sites (Hyves and Netlog can add themselves to the likes of Myspace, Facebook and other lice-ridden, pest-infested sources of retardation).

'Is she going to commit suicide?' is the question I think many want to see answered by now (got to win back that 10 bucks you bet, right?). Unfortunately I can not, and will always refuse to commit suicide. Rationally, that is. Even though I'm constantly in a lot of pain, unbearingly so at times, the only way I'll harm myself is through an impulsive action from my emotional side. This is exactly why those hysteria attacks frighten me so much (and Pieter, who has witnessed a few of them). It's like I'm right on the edge at this point during those attacks and that I just need to move this little bit further where my rational side will just black out and I can do anything from taking a knife to myself to swalling harmful chemicals or other fun activities. So far it's remained limited to me just tearing out some chunks of flesh from my legs, but there's no telling what more could happen.

Right, now people are going to pat me on the head and back again and tell me to just hang on for a little bit longer. Hang on for what? Am I going to get my answers? What makes you think I ever will? It's been nearly 4 years already and at this point it seems as though I might as well have killed myself when I was 5 to save myself and others the trouble. I have lived for 25 years now without identity, without knowing what and who I am. In any serious attempt at a relationship how can I make this clear to my partner? So far some girls have already indicated that they still want to think about dating me a bit longer because of my body, because it's so... different.

In the end all my troubles are due to my body. Being highly gifted is bad enough already, but having a weird, messed up Frankenstein-ish body really makes it impossible to have a life, that much has been made clear to me by now. Actually only my brain is something I can learn to like, unlike my body, which I'd gladly trade in for a regular one. And the worst part? That people keep telling me that I have a regular body. A male one, that is. I'd gladly kick their heads off their miserable necks.


Maya

Countdown...

Last week's setbacks have pretty much completely squashed any hope that I'll ever find out who and what I really am. On top of that I have found out how many people dislike, do not understand, or even outright hate me for not just accepting myself for what they think I am. It makes me not want to ask for help anymore, from regular people and medical people alike. I'll just get hurt anyway. Same thing with relationships.

All the 'advice' I got from my last topic on the Tweakers.net forum mostly included things like just accepting myself as probably being transsexual, just subjecting myself to the whims of the 'specialists' here, as well as other stupid things with no relevance or regard to my situation.

To give myself at least something to focus on I've decided that unless I receive some kind of positive news this week, I'll start researching options for suicide next week and execute it as soon as possible after that. I just can't find any joy in life any more, especially the past weeks everything has just turned grey and all I do and hear and see and feel hurts.

Unless something positive happens, this'll be my last post here. I don't give a damn whether people think I'm just looking for attention this way or so. F*** them. This is about myself, my pain and the only thing I can seemingly do about it. Life never meant anything to me anyway. So go on with your lives and forget about my whining and begging, just be glad I'm finally shutting up.


Maya

Insomnia...

As I'm typing this it's 4.30 AM and I'm wide awake. I've slept exactly 4 hours. For the past weeks now the time I've slept during the night has been reduced from 7-8 to 5-6 hours and last night I've apparently hit a new score since Wednesday night, when I got in about 2-3 hours. The skin underneath my eyes is definitely gathering an interesting number of changes.

I might have a cold or so as well... I still got excess slime in my throat, started coughing a lot since a few days ago and I feel very tired during the day. My insomnia is probably linked mostly to stress and the anti-depressants. At any rate the lack of sleep isn't helping my general state of mind.

By now I'm absolutely sick and tired of meeting other people. The general pattern always seems to be that they find me interesting and nice, and when I try to get a bit closer, especially with girls I'd like to meet some time, they suddenly start ignoring me, or even vanish completely. I feel more and more tempted to just revert to email-only communication and shut down all my profiles on community sites.

As a break from my usual whining and threatening with suicide, here's a conversation a friend from Tweakers.net held with a US friend who studies for his Dr. in biology after showing a single MRI image of me (K is the IRC friend):
K: what do you think?
G: That does look like a cervical wall. ask a physiologist?
K: I'm not a doctor, but how obvious are both gender types on that xray?
G: It's distinct.
G: They're supposed to take a tissue sample and karyotype in those instances.
G: In the US, anyway.
G: But, it looks like XXY hermaphroditism from the x-ray.
G: I'd want an MRI to confirm.
K: Why?
G: karyotype.
G: that's what I'd do.
G: you take a cell sample...blow it up...see what she is genetically.
K: she has XY chromosomes.
K: so, from what I know, that would make her a genetic male. but, being able to get a female orgasm would make that quite odd.
G: That's why I suggested XXY. What happens is...if during meiosis the sperm doesn't disjoin properly...the X can carry a small piece of Y.
G: That small piece of Y is enough to cause the production of enough testosterone to signal for the zygote to start making portions of male sex organs.
G: See...all fetuses are female, until the Y chromosome says, "make testes!"

So far all students who have looked at my MRI images have expressed similar conclusions. I sent one of them (a Dutch radiology student) the complete set of images. It'll be interesting to hear what he thinks and possibly his fellow students and/or teachers.

Today I'll be composing an email to the Eppendorf hospital in Hamburg, Germany, as they've got a good department for intersexuality and they can hopefully help me with this matter. I might also inquire at the Radboud hospital here in Nijmegen. Supposedly a person who was also hermaphrodite was treated there a few years ago.

This is definitely a case of swimming or drowning... I feel often tempted to just stay in bed and not do anything anymore, just letting everything go to hell (for so far it hasn't yet), but that'd mean the end for sure. If I get some useful things back from the things running right now and these new things I'm starting, perhaps there won't be a need for me to actually kill myself. I've already started hitting myself on the chest and tummy with my fists again, so that's not a good sign...


Maya

Despair...

I can be short about summarizing the past week: Tuesday phone call from Dr Schipper of the Erasmus MC, informing me that on none of the scans anything unusual could be seen. Wednesday the VUMC reported back with the same conclusion. I'm now stuck with four reports from four radiologists, providing me with two completely opposed conclusions.

On Thursday I went to my appointment with Dr Linthorst of the AMC in Amsterdam. He is prepared to help me, but can't offer me much yet. He'll ensure together with my GP that I'll get a psychiatrist as soon as possible, and he'll contact the VUMC since they're still the prime center in this country for the kind of tests and surgery I require. Linthorst at least seems to understand that in the end this is a purely physical question ('what am I?', 'what can I do with it?').

Meanwhile on an emotional level things have really spiraled out of control since the successive batches of bad news. The night of Wednesday on Thursday I got only about 2-3 hours of sleep total, the rest of the time I spent staring blankly at the ceiling and thinking about ending the pain and feeling miserable in general. This feeling has persisted ever since. This morning too I woke up at around 5 AM feeling like killing myself right there and then.

Yesterday I saw my GP for the last time. She's moving to another job. Hopefully her replacement will be at least as considerate. I got new anti-depressants today, the full dose (20 mg instead of 10). I've also got an appointment with my new GP in a week.

I've got nothing planned yet this weekend other than the regular grocery shopping and such. Next week Dr Linthorst as well as Dr Siebel (Germany) will get back to me with their findings. I hope I get positive news next week, because things definitely can't go on like this. Having no certainty about anything, having seen my work of the past 3.5 year basically vaporize in front of my eyes... it's enough to crush anyone's spirit.

The ironic thing in this all, however, is that all students (2nd-year up to PhD) who have seen my MRI image(s) indicate that there is something unusual visible on them and they'd definitely do more research if they were a doctor. I don't want to appear paranoid, but I'm having great difficulty trusting the hospitals here with their conclusions among all this evidence.

I really wish there was a clear course of action now and most definitely some kind of light at the end of this dark and nightmarish tunnel...


Maya

Confusion...

I just got a call from doctor Schipper of the Erasmus MC. He told me that he didn't know anything about the MRI scan I had last week Thursday even though it was requested using his name. He also told me that he did have the reports from the proper images from Germany as well as from this last MRI scan. According to him on both of them nothing unusual is visible and thus I can not be intersexual.

Placed against the two MRI reports from Germany which state the opposite as well as my own experiences, these conclusions from the Erasmus MC seem ridiculous, but I don't know what I can do against it at this point. They don't want to help me anymore and now I fear that the VUMC will come with the same conclusions as the Erasmus, which'd mean no recognition, no surgery, no compensation for the past years of agony and above all no end to this everlasting nightmare.

What's going on? Why can't things work out for once? I don't know... I do fear, however, that even with the anti-depressants I'm taking now it's going to be incredibly though to merely keep existing the coming weeks or months...

One possible option I've left open is to go to a German hospital, but for that I'd need a lot of money. At points like this I'm just not sure why I'm going through this anymore. Am I really crazy? Am I really wrong? Did they lie to me in Germany? What did I see on my own MRI images? Again, am I crazy?

I don't know anymore...


Maya

Detached...

Well, vanishing girl is gone again. This time she claimed to have been in a car accident and had to go to the GP yesterday because she couldn't sleep from the pain, to vanish without a trail again. At this point I feel it's hard to trust anything 'she' says, so I'm taking my distance and will discuss the matter first chance I get. I shall not write anything more about it lest it turns out that I was just paranoid.

So yesterday I spent all alone. It's incredible how much I've come to rely on Pieter these past months, yet his absence also makes me realize how lonely I am without him. Aside from him there is virtually no one, especially not of my own age, who I can call a friend nearby. No one I can just hop over to and watch a movie, play a videogame or just chat with. I feel so out of touch with the world at these moments.

This morning I woke up feeling.... detached. I've gone to bed with, and woken up with during the night, thoughts mostly about vanishing girl, the things I'd say to her and such. Somewhere in there after deciding to take my distance I also decided to take my distance from my body, to ignore it and all emotions. At this moment my rational side is fully in control and it feels wonderful. I can do anything, nothing bothers me, and I don't need others. Why did I ever decide to let my emotional side develop? It's utterly useless anyway. Suppressing, destroying it is what the proper strategy is.

While I expect that my emotional side will attempt to make a flashy come-back again by crashing in through the roof, I'll do my best to keep it suppressed at least today, leaving me free to do some actual work.


Maya

More Waiting... A Surprise~

Well, I got the MRI yesterday. When I asked the lady assisting me for some details regarding the scan, she showed me the request form. On it I saw that the MRI had been requested by Dr Schipper, the same person I had given the right MRI images to, months ago. I arranged an appointment to have him call me next Tuesday. Hopefully I'll learn a bit more then.

The past days since I started with the anti-depressant have been... interesting. I'm still heavily depressed, but my whole mood has been 'equalized', as though the entire 'signal' has been compressed into a narrow range. I'm not sure whether I like this change, as it seems to have made it harder for me to resist suicidal urges as well. Hopefully things'll improve next week...

So yeah, now I'm waiting for the VUMC (they spent 3 weeks so far on the MRI analysis) and the Erasmus MC to get back to me. The appointment I have at the AMC on the 18th will probably have to be postponed again at this rate. Fun~

More fun is that the vanishing girl has just popped up again on MSN. I'll speak with her now and then go to bed. See you all :)


Maya