Yesterday was the TV broadcast of 'Je zal het maar zijn' on Dutch national TV. I didn't see it yet, because I couldn't.
After dinner, around 7 PM, Pieter and I went upstairs after watching an episode of Columbo, to have some tea and watch that JZHMZ episode upstairs on the BNN site. I was feeling kind of nervous then already and was thinking that maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to watch it then, but I thought I could just push through.
Seconds into the show I was already feeling very uncomfortable, then began to feel physically ill and indicated to Pieter that I didn't want to watch it. Instead we ended up watching an episode of 'Who's line is it anyway' and an episode of Bob Ross's 'The joy of painting', with me crying randomly throughout this and Pieter awkwardly providing comfort. At some time after 9 PM I went to bed, took a sleeping pill and slept before 10 PM. I had turned off my mobile phone just in case anyone want to congratulate me with the broadcast or so.
I'm thinking that my usual troubles with late-night (anything after dinner) emotional stuff played a role, since I'm truly a morning person and therefore worthless after about 8 PM. Other factors may include stress from worrying about the outcome of this broadcast, changes in my environment such as having to find a new place in about three months time, rushing to release our first game before Xmas, and many other little things.
At any rate I felt so completely done with everything related to me, myself and intersexuality in general. I was thinking about quitting my website, a bit about committing suicide... it was quite extreme and quite sudden. Right now I'm feeling better, especially after reading some of the comments from people who watched the show, but I'm still not quite sure how I'm supposed to feel.
What's going to happen next? I have no idea. I have severe doubts about those US hospitals even bothering with a response, I don't know whether any other TV show is or will be interested in me, and basically just feel cast adrift with only my work acting as a kind of lifeboat. Everything at this point basically feels like I'm still in the 'before' phase. Before happiness. Before success. Before recognition. Before finding peace. Before financial independence. Before everything which would make me feel like my life is worth living.
In happier news, TileWars is approaching the finish line at a rapid pace now. Trevor is working on the collisions module which will finalize the gameplay and should be done with a day or two. After that we integrate the netcode (for LAN play) and AI (for people playing in their lonesome). Then it's down to finalizing the resources (models, textures, BGM, SFX) and playtesting. Seems like it's finally going to happen this time.
Maya
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
Monday, 8 November 2010
Test Results And TV Broadcast
I just got the results back from the last blood tests. Unlike what the UMCG hospital reported last year my testosterone levels are normal (0.7 nmol/L) unlike what they reported (2.4 nmol/L). With oestradiol also normal (401 pmol/L, range is 40-720) this is a kind of relief.
Also in the report are the values for PSA, or the Prostate-Specific Antigen. The value listed is <0.1>0.1 pg/mL? Perhaps a more sensitive PSA test is in order to obtain more useful results. Considering the clinical symptoms regarding my 'prostate' I'm tempted to say that all of the PSA in my blood serum is from other tissues, and not the prostate.
(1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prostate-specific_antigen
(2) http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10234897
(3) http://jcem.endojournals.org/cgi/content/full/85/1/81
In other news, yesterday's sedation experiment went pretty much as I predicted on Saturday, with a spike in emotional unrest when Pieter returned home. I didn't have thoughts churning through my head, specifically, but I did have this general and quite severe feeling of unrest and of being agitated. Getting out of bed again to spend some time online seemed to do the trick, though. Around 12.30 AM I managed to fall asleep again without any sleeping pill.
Also remarkable is how much my attitude towards Pieter has changed. I made some remarks on this previously, but yesterday and today I got to verify my predictions. Emotional responses are minimal, responses to references to his girlfriend and similar subjects are characterized by a short, negative burst. There is no persistence of such negative responses. I can feel no emotional closeness to Pieter or anything beyond a more business-like, sometimes casual relationship.
I do feel a certain pressure on/inside my head, localized on the forehead, and yesterday I had episodes of hyperventilating. Apparently the decreased emotional response is still sufficient to trigger such symptoms.
Moving on, tomorrow is finally the day when the 'Je zal het maar zijn' episode featuring me will be broadcast. It's been a few months since that journalist asked me whether I'd want to participate in it, the filming and tomorrow's broadcast. On the first of August this year journalist Lydia van der Weide asked the question, making it just over 3 months from conception until broadcast.
What do I expect from tomorrow's broadcast? I'm not sure. I mean, it's not like it's the first time I have been in big media, although that was in magazines and maybe it wasn't the right audience. Being a mostly text-based media versus the full video and audio experience of TV is probably quite a difference as well. I guess I'll just have to see. What I do know is that the other two people who feature in this episode are the true freaks. They have chosen to abuse and mutilate their body whether it's through bodybuilding, or through tattoos and piercings. Neither of which are rational let alone sane or healthy choices and they're likely to die young.
The theme of this episode is 'Obsessed by one's body'. I figure that my dealings with my own body could be called an obsession, albeit one not originating from irrational and/or unhealthy impulses. Mine is a quest for answers about my body. I would never want to harm or disgrace my body by abusing it, or sticking pieces of metal through any parts of it. I do not even understand why anyone would want to do such a thing. It's like a kind of mental illness as far as I'm concerned. After watching tomorrow's episode I'm sure you'll agree with me on that.
I think you'll also agree that compared to those two people I appear very normal and innocent :) Anyway, still about 36 hours to go until the broadcast.
Maya
Also in the report are the values for PSA, or the Prostate-Specific Antigen. The value listed is <0.1>0.1 pg/mL? Perhaps a more sensitive PSA test is in order to obtain more useful results. Considering the clinical symptoms regarding my 'prostate' I'm tempted to say that all of the PSA in my blood serum is from other tissues, and not the prostate.
(1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prostate-specific_antigen
(2) http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10234897
(3) http://jcem.endojournals.org/cgi/content/full/85/1/81
In other news, yesterday's sedation experiment went pretty much as I predicted on Saturday, with a spike in emotional unrest when Pieter returned home. I didn't have thoughts churning through my head, specifically, but I did have this general and quite severe feeling of unrest and of being agitated. Getting out of bed again to spend some time online seemed to do the trick, though. Around 12.30 AM I managed to fall asleep again without any sleeping pill.
Also remarkable is how much my attitude towards Pieter has changed. I made some remarks on this previously, but yesterday and today I got to verify my predictions. Emotional responses are minimal, responses to references to his girlfriend and similar subjects are characterized by a short, negative burst. There is no persistence of such negative responses. I can feel no emotional closeness to Pieter or anything beyond a more business-like, sometimes casual relationship.
I do feel a certain pressure on/inside my head, localized on the forehead, and yesterday I had episodes of hyperventilating. Apparently the decreased emotional response is still sufficient to trigger such symptoms.
Moving on, tomorrow is finally the day when the 'Je zal het maar zijn' episode featuring me will be broadcast. It's been a few months since that journalist asked me whether I'd want to participate in it, the filming and tomorrow's broadcast. On the first of August this year journalist Lydia van der Weide asked the question, making it just over 3 months from conception until broadcast.
What do I expect from tomorrow's broadcast? I'm not sure. I mean, it's not like it's the first time I have been in big media, although that was in magazines and maybe it wasn't the right audience. Being a mostly text-based media versus the full video and audio experience of TV is probably quite a difference as well. I guess I'll just have to see. What I do know is that the other two people who feature in this episode are the true freaks. They have chosen to abuse and mutilate their body whether it's through bodybuilding, or through tattoos and piercings. Neither of which are rational let alone sane or healthy choices and they're likely to die young.
The theme of this episode is 'Obsessed by one's body'. I figure that my dealings with my own body could be called an obsession, albeit one not originating from irrational and/or unhealthy impulses. Mine is a quest for answers about my body. I would never want to harm or disgrace my body by abusing it, or sticking pieces of metal through any parts of it. I do not even understand why anyone would want to do such a thing. It's like a kind of mental illness as far as I'm concerned. After watching tomorrow's episode I'm sure you'll agree with me on that.
I think you'll also agree that compared to those two people I appear very normal and innocent :) Anyway, still about 36 hours to go until the broadcast.
Maya
Sunday, 7 November 2010
Sedation Experiment, Day 4
Last night was similar to the previous one, aside from me taking a sleeping pill to see what would happen. The conclusion was that it didn't do a lot, as I still woke up around 4 AM. Ultimately I slept until 5 AM before I got out of bed.
Sedation has really become a safety blanket for me, and it is relatively often on my mind. Not being assaulted by hostile emotions is still a huge relief, and with each passing day that it holds up against the assault of external triggers I'm even more grateful. I'm convinced this weekend would have been extremely difficult again for me otherwise.
Today at the swimming pool even more so. This time it seemed like everyone in this city I have ever inadvertently hurt and who hasn't forgiven me was assembled. While I could now clearly see how my PTSD has manipulated me into saying things I didn't mean to, it's also clear that they don't see things the same, and other than begging for forgiveness things aren't likely to change. Next question is whether this is really such a terrible thing. I don't like the feeling of having done something wrong, and I dislike people who can not simply communicate. In the end it was like seeing part of my past being played back in front of me.
Moving back to the present, I met another fun person at the pool: a very friendly woman a few years older than me. We ended up talking a lot, and now she has found both my website and Facebook account. I hope we can keep in touch, as talking with her was a lot of fun. Her thinking that I was 15 years young was only part of the fun :)
Today I also once more made the observation how especially Dutch people really often look very negative and scary. When reaching out to others, whether it's just smiling or holding open a door for them, it's those types who don't say a word, even look at you with an almost hostile look. I think I notice it even more strongly now because I can feel how inside me positive emotions are far more frequent. Basically I just feel more often at peace, even happy. I'd say that it's the reduction in stress and the suppression of negative feelings which allows me to become more positive. More like myself, how I really am and already was as a child, as my mother would say.
At this point I'd like to add a quick update on TileWars: aside from the final integration of all the resources we're pretty much done. Trevor is hunting down a few puzzling bugs regarding the framerate but I have full confidence in his capabilities and expect big things before the end of next week. Tomorrow I'll probably put up the site for TileWars at the Nyanko site. I'll also update this blog by then with my thoughts on Tuesday's TV broadcast.
Stay tuned...
Maya
Sedation has really become a safety blanket for me, and it is relatively often on my mind. Not being assaulted by hostile emotions is still a huge relief, and with each passing day that it holds up against the assault of external triggers I'm even more grateful. I'm convinced this weekend would have been extremely difficult again for me otherwise.
Today at the swimming pool even more so. This time it seemed like everyone in this city I have ever inadvertently hurt and who hasn't forgiven me was assembled. While I could now clearly see how my PTSD has manipulated me into saying things I didn't mean to, it's also clear that they don't see things the same, and other than begging for forgiveness things aren't likely to change. Next question is whether this is really such a terrible thing. I don't like the feeling of having done something wrong, and I dislike people who can not simply communicate. In the end it was like seeing part of my past being played back in front of me.
Moving back to the present, I met another fun person at the pool: a very friendly woman a few years older than me. We ended up talking a lot, and now she has found both my website and Facebook account. I hope we can keep in touch, as talking with her was a lot of fun. Her thinking that I was 15 years young was only part of the fun :)
Today I also once more made the observation how especially Dutch people really often look very negative and scary. When reaching out to others, whether it's just smiling or holding open a door for them, it's those types who don't say a word, even look at you with an almost hostile look. I think I notice it even more strongly now because I can feel how inside me positive emotions are far more frequent. Basically I just feel more often at peace, even happy. I'd say that it's the reduction in stress and the suppression of negative feelings which allows me to become more positive. More like myself, how I really am and already was as a child, as my mother would say.
At this point I'd like to add a quick update on TileWars: aside from the final integration of all the resources we're pretty much done. Trevor is hunting down a few puzzling bugs regarding the framerate but I have full confidence in his capabilities and expect big things before the end of next week. Tomorrow I'll probably put up the site for TileWars at the Nyanko site. I'll also update this blog by then with my thoughts on Tuesday's TV broadcast.
Stay tuned...
Maya
Saturday, 6 November 2010
Sedation Experiment, Day 3
Last night I slept reasonably well, I woke up once around 3 AM and fell asleep again until 5 AM when the dogs downstairs began to howl. I decided to get up at that point. Again I tried to assess my emotional condition and noticed an increase in the persistence of emotions, essentially in the proliferation of emotionally charged thoughts. After taking my first valerian pill of the day this quickly subsided until the pill truly began to work. This was noticeable by a distinct sensation of warmth throughout my body, combined with a feeling of peace and happiness.
My general mood can be described as distant. Functionally nothing seems to be amiss; my ability to recall and store memories seems unaffected, and I can perform my work without any difficulties. Communications with others, whether digitally or verbally - like earlier today when I went to the neighbours' to play a few games of Settlers of Catan - are as far as I can determine normal.
I can still feel the emotional responses, but it's as though they're at the other side of a padded wall, allowing me to only feel the vibrations of their pounding on the wall, so to speak. Thoughts of socializing, of friends and such largely emotional constructs fleetingly make their appearance before vanishing into the aether again.
What I'm most curious about is whether this all can be considered to be emotional suppression in the sense that the emotions are still there but ignored, or that they are truly just faint and unremarkable. This with regard to the possibility of an emotional backlash. Today I feel any emotions more strongly than yesterday and the day before that, but it is hard to derive any conclusions from this, as I know from previous experiences that weekends like this are accompanied by an intense feeling of loneliness, confusion and an almost pitiful desire for Pieter to return home.
It would be logical to conclude therefore that what I have experienced these past few days in terms of emotional response is just the usual pattern, but strongly reduced in amplitude. Tomorrow a similar feeling to what I feel today should then persist, which will then start subsiding again by Monday through the rest of the week, until the next time Pieter leaves for another weekend or so.
While I'm grateful that these pills have allowed me to gain a semblance of normality, one aspect I'm somewhat worried about, although it could be perfectly normal. This refers to an earlier statement of mine, on the fading of things the moment they're no longer actively being referred to. That statement referred to emotions in specific, but it seems to be more generic than I thought.
When I said that I no longer have to care about things, I should add that it's more like I just can not care. Not unless I really focus on it, or if it's something purely intellectual. My awareness of this world around me has changed together with its perception by me. The lack of emotions may play a role, in creating this sense of disconnect. When I look around my own room, I don't really feel anything. When I think about Pieter I don't feel anything. When I think about my family, I don't feel anything in particular. When I think about my body and medical situation I feel a tinge of sadness, but that's about the extent of it.
Is this a bad thing? After spending years in an emotional turmoil after snapping out of my 15-year emotional withdrawal it's actually kind of comforting. Emotions, when it comes down to it, are mostly painful anyway, and the more pleasant and innocent emotions I can still feel despite everything. I can feel joy, happiness, contentment and similar, maybe because they too are relaxing emotions, and thus aren't blocked by the increased stimulation of the GABA receptors unlike more negative or disruptive emotions which would instead go for the excitatory glutamate receptors.
So far I would say that this experiment seems to be going well. Tomorrow I'll spend the morning at the swimming pool. It'll be interesting to see how I'll experience that event.
Maya
My general mood can be described as distant. Functionally nothing seems to be amiss; my ability to recall and store memories seems unaffected, and I can perform my work without any difficulties. Communications with others, whether digitally or verbally - like earlier today when I went to the neighbours' to play a few games of Settlers of Catan - are as far as I can determine normal.
I can still feel the emotional responses, but it's as though they're at the other side of a padded wall, allowing me to only feel the vibrations of their pounding on the wall, so to speak. Thoughts of socializing, of friends and such largely emotional constructs fleetingly make their appearance before vanishing into the aether again.
What I'm most curious about is whether this all can be considered to be emotional suppression in the sense that the emotions are still there but ignored, or that they are truly just faint and unremarkable. This with regard to the possibility of an emotional backlash. Today I feel any emotions more strongly than yesterday and the day before that, but it is hard to derive any conclusions from this, as I know from previous experiences that weekends like this are accompanied by an intense feeling of loneliness, confusion and an almost pitiful desire for Pieter to return home.
It would be logical to conclude therefore that what I have experienced these past few days in terms of emotional response is just the usual pattern, but strongly reduced in amplitude. Tomorrow a similar feeling to what I feel today should then persist, which will then start subsiding again by Monday through the rest of the week, until the next time Pieter leaves for another weekend or so.
While I'm grateful that these pills have allowed me to gain a semblance of normality, one aspect I'm somewhat worried about, although it could be perfectly normal. This refers to an earlier statement of mine, on the fading of things the moment they're no longer actively being referred to. That statement referred to emotions in specific, but it seems to be more generic than I thought.
When I said that I no longer have to care about things, I should add that it's more like I just can not care. Not unless I really focus on it, or if it's something purely intellectual. My awareness of this world around me has changed together with its perception by me. The lack of emotions may play a role, in creating this sense of disconnect. When I look around my own room, I don't really feel anything. When I think about Pieter I don't feel anything. When I think about my family, I don't feel anything in particular. When I think about my body and medical situation I feel a tinge of sadness, but that's about the extent of it.
Is this a bad thing? After spending years in an emotional turmoil after snapping out of my 15-year emotional withdrawal it's actually kind of comforting. Emotions, when it comes down to it, are mostly painful anyway, and the more pleasant and innocent emotions I can still feel despite everything. I can feel joy, happiness, contentment and similar, maybe because they too are relaxing emotions, and thus aren't blocked by the increased stimulation of the GABA receptors unlike more negative or disruptive emotions which would instead go for the excitatory glutamate receptors.
So far I would say that this experiment seems to be going well. Tomorrow I'll spend the morning at the swimming pool. It'll be interesting to see how I'll experience that event.
Maya
Friday, 5 November 2010
Sedation Experiment, Day 2
My sleep last night was interesting; I slept soundly from about 10.30 PM until 1 AM, woke up, fell asleep again, and repeated this at least two more times during the night. The last time I woke up I was covered in sweat again, which indicates that I had a nightmare. I still felt rested, however.
Moments after waking up that last time this morning I could feel that the sedation had worn off. Not completely perhaps, but enough that I could feel myself respond far more severely and lengthy to impulses. It was kind of frightening after the peaceful daze of the day before.
Today I felt I responded better to the valerin pills. I had less trouble remembering things and had fewer memory issues in general. I managed to perform a significant amount of work and never felt particularly unable or unwilling to perform required tasks. Last night and right now I feel both tired and not tired, in the sense that I can close my eyes and feel a kind of weariness, yet I do feel alert and capable of performing tasks.
Also today a challenge took place, with Pieter leaving today for the weekend to visit his girlfriend. It's an event which previously caused a severe emotional response on my side, resulting from a number of causes, most particularly that of loneliness. Preceding Pieter's departure, about fifteen minutes ago, I didn't feel particularly agitated or focused on this event. At his departing I just found myself unable to focus on it at all, let alone respond.
One characteristic of being sedated like this is that I can still feel emotions, it's not like they have been completely suppressed. It's more like they have become very distant things, I can feel and observe them, but they're kind of remote and seem to move in slow-motion, allowing me to study them more closely than I could before. Acting upon any of those emotions is virtually impossible, because the moment I consider doing so, it has already begun to fade.
This weekend will be the real test, I guess, with nights still being the most tricky part of this phase of the experiment. During previous occurrences of this event, without sedation, I found myself completely unable to sleep in any form or shape unless I took a sleeping pill. Two weekends ago I managed to rack up three sleeping pills in a row, where I was only allowed to take a single one. It'll be interesting to see whether this weekend will be different.
One thing which should help is that if a feeling isn't being actively stimulated by something I see, hear or otherwise observe, it just fades. It is a pleasant sensation to not have to care about anything at all unless I choose to do so. To be quite honest it really feels like I'm more myself when my intellectual side is totally dominant like now, while emotions do not play any significant role. I would almost claim that at least to me emotions are a purely negative thing, serving no practical value at least where it concerns so-called 'adult' emotions. The simple expressions of joy and other responses from a child are an example of positive emotions. They're simple and pure, not the dark, polluted and most convoluted emotions most adults carry around with them.
On that note, I really enjoy being able to play Wii Sports again. It's a very simple series of games which still feel incredibly rewarding when one completes something successfully. I also like to really express my joy or disappointment at any results, in a manner I would definitely call carefree :) My favourite game is still Golf, and I like to think that I'm pretty good at it too :) I'm sure I'll be aching all over from today's Wii Sports session.
Anyone up for a Wii Sports session at my place? Other games are allowed too. Just remember to bring your own controller :)
Maya
Moments after waking up that last time this morning I could feel that the sedation had worn off. Not completely perhaps, but enough that I could feel myself respond far more severely and lengthy to impulses. It was kind of frightening after the peaceful daze of the day before.
Today I felt I responded better to the valerin pills. I had less trouble remembering things and had fewer memory issues in general. I managed to perform a significant amount of work and never felt particularly unable or unwilling to perform required tasks. Last night and right now I feel both tired and not tired, in the sense that I can close my eyes and feel a kind of weariness, yet I do feel alert and capable of performing tasks.
Also today a challenge took place, with Pieter leaving today for the weekend to visit his girlfriend. It's an event which previously caused a severe emotional response on my side, resulting from a number of causes, most particularly that of loneliness. Preceding Pieter's departure, about fifteen minutes ago, I didn't feel particularly agitated or focused on this event. At his departing I just found myself unable to focus on it at all, let alone respond.
One characteristic of being sedated like this is that I can still feel emotions, it's not like they have been completely suppressed. It's more like they have become very distant things, I can feel and observe them, but they're kind of remote and seem to move in slow-motion, allowing me to study them more closely than I could before. Acting upon any of those emotions is virtually impossible, because the moment I consider doing so, it has already begun to fade.
This weekend will be the real test, I guess, with nights still being the most tricky part of this phase of the experiment. During previous occurrences of this event, without sedation, I found myself completely unable to sleep in any form or shape unless I took a sleeping pill. Two weekends ago I managed to rack up three sleeping pills in a row, where I was only allowed to take a single one. It'll be interesting to see whether this weekend will be different.
One thing which should help is that if a feeling isn't being actively stimulated by something I see, hear or otherwise observe, it just fades. It is a pleasant sensation to not have to care about anything at all unless I choose to do so. To be quite honest it really feels like I'm more myself when my intellectual side is totally dominant like now, while emotions do not play any significant role. I would almost claim that at least to me emotions are a purely negative thing, serving no practical value at least where it concerns so-called 'adult' emotions. The simple expressions of joy and other responses from a child are an example of positive emotions. They're simple and pure, not the dark, polluted and most convoluted emotions most adults carry around with them.
On that note, I really enjoy being able to play Wii Sports again. It's a very simple series of games which still feel incredibly rewarding when one completes something successfully. I also like to really express my joy or disappointment at any results, in a manner I would definitely call carefree :) My favourite game is still Golf, and I like to think that I'm pretty good at it too :) I'm sure I'll be aching all over from today's Wii Sports session.
Anyone up for a Wii Sports session at my place? Other games are allowed too. Just remember to bring your own controller :)
Maya
Thursday, 4 November 2010
Going All Natural
Yesterday I had another episode were I got pushed too far emotionally during a conversation; with each passing moment I felt less and less comfortable not to mention less secure about my ability to function socially and emotionally until something just snapped inside of me. The end result was a number of bloody scratches along my neck, a nasty bump on my head and a clear conviction to banish everything related to negative emotions and above all sexuality and related from my life.
Of course, I have tried many times before to just ignore those aspects of human life which are the most traumatizing to me, but without success. This morning I woke up still feeling the same about those aspects, but also kind of upset. Then, somehow it occurred to me that I could try those valerian-based sleeping pills I kept unused in a drawer since they don't really help me sleep. So I took one pill, for 250 mg of valerian-extract.
The effect of valerian-extract on me is quite impressive. Any kind of emotional surge almost immediately 'fizzles' until it's gone. Getting angry, upset or even involved with emotional conflicts is just downright impossible. I have tried all day, but I just don't care about those things. Life immediately is a lot more bearable since now I can just take my distance from things which bother me, even those in my direct environment. The only negative thing about today's valerian experiment is that it does affect my memory in a noticeable manner, though the dose I took (two times 250 mg during the day) could be adjusted to compensate for that.
The best part about this solution I think is that valerian is a very commonly used herb for sedative purposes and side-effects are basically non-existent. There's no addiction (except in some male subjects, apparently), no loss of effectiveness over time and basically no significant risks. It has also been used for thousands of years and thus its long-term effects have been relatively well-studied. It works by affecting GABA receptors, the stimulation of which causes an inhibitory response in the central nervous system (CNS).
Basic information on valerian can be found at Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valerian_%28herb%29 (1)
A more detailed analysis can be found here: http://www.aafp.org/afp/2003/0415/p1755.html (2)
And finally some information on GABA: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GABA#Neurotransmitter (3)
The effect of valerian on memory is well-known, and like other GABA-affecting substances it can inhibit the formation of new memories, which is known as anterograde amnesia. Most typical is that semantic (factual) memory is barely affected, whereas temporal memory is most dramatically affected. Even during today's experiment I can point to distinct episodes during the day where I seem to have lost some memories. Nothing major, but enough to notice it. It feels different from the usual 'I can't remember it' kind of thing everyone is familiar with.
Anterograde amnesia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anterograde_amnesia (4)
During my research I also found out why valerian didn't help me sleep better, as described in (2). People who are generally regular sleepers do not seem to receive any benefit from taking this substance, and it seems likely that the cause for their sleeping issues lies elsewhere, not in a lack of GABA neurotransmitter activity.
A question many people seem to ask is whether caffeine, like in the energy drinks I take, has a negative effect on a GABA-based sedative like valerian. The basic answer is that it has no effect because they affect different receptors. Caffeine also isn't a stimulant; all it does is block certain receptors which are sensitive to neurotransmitters the brain produces while it's awake. In short this way not enough of those receptors can be activated to give the 'I am tired' signal to the brain, and thus you won't start feeling tired. The brain adapts really quickly to this pollution, however, and thus drinking more than 4 cups of coffee or energy drinks a week makes it quite ineffective.
The idea behind a stimulant is that it allows you to perform above your normal capacity, caffeine merely allows one to perform like one just woke up. Except if you're a regular drinker of coffee or energy drinks, of course. In that case you are merely taking care of the withdrawal effects of caffeine since it is relatively addictive. As any junkie can tell you, there's nothing worse than being without your next shot :)
Maya
Of course, I have tried many times before to just ignore those aspects of human life which are the most traumatizing to me, but without success. This morning I woke up still feeling the same about those aspects, but also kind of upset. Then, somehow it occurred to me that I could try those valerian-based sleeping pills I kept unused in a drawer since they don't really help me sleep. So I took one pill, for 250 mg of valerian-extract.
The effect of valerian-extract on me is quite impressive. Any kind of emotional surge almost immediately 'fizzles' until it's gone. Getting angry, upset or even involved with emotional conflicts is just downright impossible. I have tried all day, but I just don't care about those things. Life immediately is a lot more bearable since now I can just take my distance from things which bother me, even those in my direct environment. The only negative thing about today's valerian experiment is that it does affect my memory in a noticeable manner, though the dose I took (two times 250 mg during the day) could be adjusted to compensate for that.
The best part about this solution I think is that valerian is a very commonly used herb for sedative purposes and side-effects are basically non-existent. There's no addiction (except in some male subjects, apparently), no loss of effectiveness over time and basically no significant risks. It has also been used for thousands of years and thus its long-term effects have been relatively well-studied. It works by affecting GABA receptors, the stimulation of which causes an inhibitory response in the central nervous system (CNS).
Basic information on valerian can be found at Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valerian_%28herb%29 (1)
A more detailed analysis can be found here: http://www.aafp.org/afp/2003/0415/p1755.html (2)
And finally some information on GABA: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GABA#Neurotransmitter (3)
The effect of valerian on memory is well-known, and like other GABA-affecting substances it can inhibit the formation of new memories, which is known as anterograde amnesia. Most typical is that semantic (factual) memory is barely affected, whereas temporal memory is most dramatically affected. Even during today's experiment I can point to distinct episodes during the day where I seem to have lost some memories. Nothing major, but enough to notice it. It feels different from the usual 'I can't remember it' kind of thing everyone is familiar with.
Anterograde amnesia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anterograde_amnesia (4)
During my research I also found out why valerian didn't help me sleep better, as described in (2). People who are generally regular sleepers do not seem to receive any benefit from taking this substance, and it seems likely that the cause for their sleeping issues lies elsewhere, not in a lack of GABA neurotransmitter activity.
A question many people seem to ask is whether caffeine, like in the energy drinks I take, has a negative effect on a GABA-based sedative like valerian. The basic answer is that it has no effect because they affect different receptors. Caffeine also isn't a stimulant; all it does is block certain receptors which are sensitive to neurotransmitters the brain produces while it's awake. In short this way not enough of those receptors can be activated to give the 'I am tired' signal to the brain, and thus you won't start feeling tired. The brain adapts really quickly to this pollution, however, and thus drinking more than 4 cups of coffee or energy drinks a week makes it quite ineffective.
The idea behind a stimulant is that it allows you to perform above your normal capacity, caffeine merely allows one to perform like one just woke up. Except if you're a regular drinker of coffee or energy drinks, of course. In that case you are merely taking care of the withdrawal effects of caffeine since it is relatively addictive. As any junkie can tell you, there's nothing worse than being without your next shot :)
Maya
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
Thanks, But No Thanks
Yesterday happened what I expected to for a while now, but it still wasn't easy. In the email I received from the UMCG hospital, Weijmar Schultz explained that they do not wish to do anything more for me at all. No treatment, no help, no anything. Not until I accept that I'll never know what I am, that I will never have an official medical diagnosis, that I'll be neither male, female, transsexual or intersexual for the rest of my life. At that point they'd be prepared to help me get that official gender change. Makes sense? Not to me it doesn't.
They're prepared to talk about it with me in person on November 10th, but 3 hours of travel time to be told the same as in that email doesn't seem very useful. Pieter will send an email to the UMCG today informing them that we'll keep that offer in mind. Should I return from the US or wherever with answers I can live with I will at least have a place where I can go back to in this country. Even if part of it is to flaunt answers they couldn't be bothered to look for.
Despite knowing that this news would come, it nevertheless is still hard to actually read it. I just felt empty afterwards and even cried some. It's just a horrible feeling to be cast out like that, without anything to show for all of one's efforts. It is especially now that I'm really grateful for my contacts with the media, nice people like that photography student, and hopefully soon with politicians as well. If I hadn't put any effort in contacting the media and keeping up this blog and my website none of that would have happened. In the end I accomplished all of this because I refuse to give up.
Another nice thing which happened two days ago was a conversation with someone I know, who offered me some really valuable insights and assurances. Together with previous conversations with friends it has given me a lot to think about. The thing is that because I have PTSD people will often quickly explain anything they see as an anomaly in my behaviour as just another symptom of my traumas. The times people have done this and even had the nerve to suggest that I'd require immediate treatment are legion, and to be honest I'm quite angry at how they have manipulated me and that I have allowed them to do so.
I don't need to start using medication for my PTSD, I don't need EMDR treatment or similar, I'm not a socially and emotionally inept person. I have made it this far because I'm a strong person, socially and emotionally more than capable. I am emotionally very sensitive, true, and my ability to empathize with and understand others sometimes is very strong and confusing. Yet I am just fine the way I am, even if random strangers or even friends try to tell me that I'm a basketcase. Especially in the case of the latter it makes me wonder whether they're truly friends, or whether they're being influenced by others who most definitely aren't my friends in any sense of the word.
Anyway... it's been a very informative if slightly traumatizing few weeks. I have learned a great deal about myself, others, friendship and more. I feel I should focus more on relaxing now, outside my work of course :) Pieter just bought a Wii yesterday, the special Mario Edition with New Super Mario Bros and Super Mario Galaxy 1 & 2. And Wii Sports of course :D
Another thing I'd like to try both to be able to say I have done it and that it wasn't so bad is somewhat like an extension of me going swimming again. It seems to me that going to the sauna would be a useful and hopefully relaxing experience. Consider it therapy :) I would like to go with someone else, though, which is what this plan has been stuck on for the past months, if not years.
Maya
They're prepared to talk about it with me in person on November 10th, but 3 hours of travel time to be told the same as in that email doesn't seem very useful. Pieter will send an email to the UMCG today informing them that we'll keep that offer in mind. Should I return from the US or wherever with answers I can live with I will at least have a place where I can go back to in this country. Even if part of it is to flaunt answers they couldn't be bothered to look for.
Despite knowing that this news would come, it nevertheless is still hard to actually read it. I just felt empty afterwards and even cried some. It's just a horrible feeling to be cast out like that, without anything to show for all of one's efforts. It is especially now that I'm really grateful for my contacts with the media, nice people like that photography student, and hopefully soon with politicians as well. If I hadn't put any effort in contacting the media and keeping up this blog and my website none of that would have happened. In the end I accomplished all of this because I refuse to give up.
Another nice thing which happened two days ago was a conversation with someone I know, who offered me some really valuable insights and assurances. Together with previous conversations with friends it has given me a lot to think about. The thing is that because I have PTSD people will often quickly explain anything they see as an anomaly in my behaviour as just another symptom of my traumas. The times people have done this and even had the nerve to suggest that I'd require immediate treatment are legion, and to be honest I'm quite angry at how they have manipulated me and that I have allowed them to do so.
I don't need to start using medication for my PTSD, I don't need EMDR treatment or similar, I'm not a socially and emotionally inept person. I have made it this far because I'm a strong person, socially and emotionally more than capable. I am emotionally very sensitive, true, and my ability to empathize with and understand others sometimes is very strong and confusing. Yet I am just fine the way I am, even if random strangers or even friends try to tell me that I'm a basketcase. Especially in the case of the latter it makes me wonder whether they're truly friends, or whether they're being influenced by others who most definitely aren't my friends in any sense of the word.
Anyway... it's been a very informative if slightly traumatizing few weeks. I have learned a great deal about myself, others, friendship and more. I feel I should focus more on relaxing now, outside my work of course :) Pieter just bought a Wii yesterday, the special Mario Edition with New Super Mario Bros and Super Mario Galaxy 1 & 2. And Wii Sports of course :D
Another thing I'd like to try both to be able to say I have done it and that it wasn't so bad is somewhat like an extension of me going swimming again. It seems to me that going to the sauna would be a useful and hopefully relaxing experience. Consider it therapy :) I would like to go with someone else, though, which is what this plan has been stuck on for the past months, if not years.
Maya
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