She is intelligent and attractive. She speaks many spoken and programming languages fluently, and is a quick study. One would expect her life to be going quite smoothly considering her credentials. Instead she is considering ending her life because she can no longer see a future for herself. How could this happen? What went wrong?
Maya was born in 1983 in a small Dutch village. The first five or six years there was nothing unusual about her, aside from maybe how easily she became friends with everyone. Then for some reason Maya became quiet and began to withdraw into herself. It was the first sign of what was wrong, yet nobody could pick up on what was the matter. For fifteen years she'd stay like this, with even the discovery of her significant giftedness in 2002 offering only a partial explanation.
Puberty was disturbing for Maya, as her body didn't develop the way she had expected it to. Back then Maya still had a boy's name, as at birth they had assumed her to be a boy. During puberty she did however experience breast growth and developed a feminine skeleton. Later tests showed that she only had very low testosterone levels. It wasn't until 2005 that she discovered on her own that she was intersex, and later hermaphrodite as specific diagnosis. This is where things went wrong.
Even though two German clinics had confirmed this hermaphrodite diagnosis using an MRI scan, Dutch physicians and psychologists would deny this diagnosis, claiming that the MRI scans made didn't show anything unusual, ignoring Maya's physical build and attempting to brainwash her into believing that she had to be transsexual and wanted to be a woman. Maya did however constantly maintain that she was happy with her body the way it was, and that she was in fact a hermaphrodite. Dutch hospitals proceeded by faking a mosaic test and denying to perform more examinations.
After nearly seven years of this, Maya was forced to acknowledge her defeat; thanks to the refusal by the Dutch medical world to even classify her as being intersex and the brainwashing attempts she was diagnosed by her psychotherapist with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), mental conditions caused by extremely traumatic events.
Also due to this constant battle and the late discovery of her intersex condition she had been unable to develop herself emotionally, make friends, finish an education (though she did do a lot of self-study), or build up an income. Forced to live with her mother who has to get by on welfare, Maya longs desperately for a future, and a home. Somewhere where she can feel safe and protected. Some place where she can get the medical help she needs, as well as treatment for her traumas.
This place could be in Germany, but due to her poor financial situation, lack of income and her daily fight against her traumas, Maya fears that this is a new battle she can not win. She would therefore ask anyone who is reading this to somehow, some way help her get this future she so desperately longs for.
Please.
Maya
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Sunday, 18 September 2011
The Big Question Of Life's Worth
I do not like calling myself depressed, suicidal or any of such negative terms. What it's all about is a balance of life's offerings, past, present and future. So far my problem in making up this balance is that nothing can seem to weigh up against the terrible things done to me by the Dutch physicians, psychologists, politicians and police. It is the main thing which keeps me from seeing life in a positive light and actually consider the possibility that being alive can be a good thing.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder... Dissociative Identity Disorder... they're all just words, but they are words which indicate an end condition caused by something so horrific one's mind can't deal with it and stay sane. Thus it's all filed away, like toxic waste dumped in the oceans. It's gone, but it's still there. You can't ever get rid of it. You can't ever deal with what has happened. Others can't see the gaping, constantly bleeding wounds in your face, on your abdomen, chest, limbs and everywhere else which make you look like something from a really gruesome horror movie.
What has happened is that all forms of happiness, joy and positive thinking have been ripped out of me by what I have experienced. The best I can achieve is a state of emotional numbness. Not being able to feel ever again would be a blessing. The images, sounds and other sensations of all those horrible things just won't leave me alone. Not when I'm awake. Not when I'm asleep.
What else does life have to offer to balance this out? What do you tell a soldier during a lull in the fighting when he has lost most of his comrades to enemy fire, as well as his wife, children and home during an enemy raid? What can one put against something so horrific to make life worth it again and stop all those horrible memories from appearing all the time, unwanted and hurtful?
I still haven't found that which will make me want to continue living. For now I'll just be sitting here, on a bench in front of the burned out remains of what used to be my innocence and home.
Maya
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder... Dissociative Identity Disorder... they're all just words, but they are words which indicate an end condition caused by something so horrific one's mind can't deal with it and stay sane. Thus it's all filed away, like toxic waste dumped in the oceans. It's gone, but it's still there. You can't ever get rid of it. You can't ever deal with what has happened. Others can't see the gaping, constantly bleeding wounds in your face, on your abdomen, chest, limbs and everywhere else which make you look like something from a really gruesome horror movie.
What has happened is that all forms of happiness, joy and positive thinking have been ripped out of me by what I have experienced. The best I can achieve is a state of emotional numbness. Not being able to feel ever again would be a blessing. The images, sounds and other sensations of all those horrible things just won't leave me alone. Not when I'm awake. Not when I'm asleep.
What else does life have to offer to balance this out? What do you tell a soldier during a lull in the fighting when he has lost most of his comrades to enemy fire, as well as his wife, children and home during an enemy raid? What can one put against something so horrific to make life worth it again and stop all those horrible memories from appearing all the time, unwanted and hurtful?
I still haven't found that which will make me want to continue living. For now I'll just be sitting here, on a bench in front of the burned out remains of what used to be my innocence and home.
Maya
Thursday, 15 September 2011
Asking Human Rights Watch Why They Omitted Intersex
A brief while ago, Human Rights Watch (http://www.hrw.org/) published a report on the human rights violations by the Dutch government through its forcing of people to get sex-reassignment surgery if they want to change their official gender. Many other countries have already dropped this barbaric practice, including Spain. The report can be found at: http://www.hrw.org/reports/2011/09/13/controlling-bodies-denying-identities-0
Now,the report only refers to intersex people in the most basic of terms, which is ridiculous since intersex is a far larger group and suffers from a similar problem in addition to many other severe problem due to regulations and laws. This is why I sent HRW the following letter:
---
Dear Sir/Madam,
In your recent report regarding human rights violations in the Netherlands (http://www.hrw.org/reports/2011/09/13/controlling-bodies-denying-identities-0) the main focus is on transsexuals, with only a brief referral to and no mention of intersex, even though this latter group is many times larger (1 in every 25) than the former and suffers many of the same and various additional issues. It's also so that many if not most transsexuals are in fact intersex, either because they got forced genital surgery as a child, or because their intersex condition never got discovered and diagnosed.
Is there a particular reason why HRW seemingly ignored intersex in this report? In the Netherlands there's law 1:24 of the Dutch civil code which technically should allow intersex people to change their official gender, but which comes with the same surgery requirement. I am currently going through this procedure, having found a good lawyer who allows me to dodge some clauses of this law, and am forced to undergo orchiectomy to qualify for it (being infertile as a male, in this case). This procedure has to be performed in Germany, as Dutch hospitals would only do the orchiectomy as part of an SRS.
In my case I was born as a hermaphrodite, with no external opening for the vagina. For seven years I have attempted to get medical help including examinations and a diagnosis for what exactly my condition entails. I am okay with being a hermaphrodite, but only recently did I discover why I didn't get any help here: Disorder of Sexual Development, or DSD policies. Every resistance I encountered was due to physicians and psychologists pushing me towards 'fixing' my 'birth defect' by following the transsexual protocol and becoming a 'regular' woman.
Due to this resistance, the PTSD and other traumatic disorders I have suffered over the years, I have found myself forced to migrate to Germany. From what I have seen, my situation isn't a fluke, and I have seen much disrespect shown to transsexuals in the Netherlands at the VUMC's gender team.
I sincerely hope that HRW can expand the current report, or release a new report more focused on the general issues encountered by those who do not wish to conform to or do not fit easily into the binary male/female pattern.
Thank you for your attention,
Maya Posch
www.mayaposch.com
Project Manager for World Intersex Society for Humanity:
http://www.mayaposch.com/wish.php
Now,the report only refers to intersex people in the most basic of terms, which is ridiculous since intersex is a far larger group and suffers from a similar problem in addition to many other severe problem due to regulations and laws. This is why I sent HRW the following letter:
---
Dear Sir/Madam,
In your recent report regarding human rights violations in the Netherlands (http://www.hrw.org/reports/2011/09/13/controlling-bodies-denying-identities-0) the main focus is on transsexuals, with only a brief referral to and no mention of intersex, even though this latter group is many times larger (1 in every 25) than the former and suffers many of the same and various additional issues. It's also so that many if not most transsexuals are in fact intersex, either because they got forced genital surgery as a child, or because their intersex condition never got discovered and diagnosed.
Is there a particular reason why HRW seemingly ignored intersex in this report? In the Netherlands there's law 1:24 of the Dutch civil code which technically should allow intersex people to change their official gender, but which comes with the same surgery requirement. I am currently going through this procedure, having found a good lawyer who allows me to dodge some clauses of this law, and am forced to undergo orchiectomy to qualify for it (being infertile as a male, in this case). This procedure has to be performed in Germany, as Dutch hospitals would only do the orchiectomy as part of an SRS.
In my case I was born as a hermaphrodite, with no external opening for the vagina. For seven years I have attempted to get medical help including examinations and a diagnosis for what exactly my condition entails. I am okay with being a hermaphrodite, but only recently did I discover why I didn't get any help here: Disorder of Sexual Development, or DSD policies. Every resistance I encountered was due to physicians and psychologists pushing me towards 'fixing' my 'birth defect' by following the transsexual protocol and becoming a 'regular' woman.
Due to this resistance, the PTSD and other traumatic disorders I have suffered over the years, I have found myself forced to migrate to Germany. From what I have seen, my situation isn't a fluke, and I have seen much disrespect shown to transsexuals in the Netherlands at the VUMC's gender team.
I sincerely hope that HRW can expand the current report, or release a new report more focused on the general issues encountered by those who do not wish to conform to or do not fit easily into the binary male/female pattern.
Thank you for your attention,
Maya Posch
www.mayaposch.com
Project Manager for World Intersex Society for Humanity:
http://www.mayaposch.com/wish.php
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
My Future Lies In Germany
After yesterday's blog post, my mother went to the family doctor's office to inquire after their reasons for refusing to provide a referral letter. She took the letter I wrote for the urologist with the reasoning behind my orchiectomy (castration) request with her. Thanks to her my family doctor finally relented and this morning I picked up the referral letter and went to see this urologist, Dr. Zweers.
Short version, the usual mess with the assistant calling for a Mr. Posch, many apologies and such from her side, and then Dr. Zweers himself. It didn't go bad at all. This doctor finally is one who is simply doing his job. He understands my situation, would like to see it carried out right away, but in the Netherlands in my situation that can only be legally done via a gender team. Or in Germany.
It just happened to be that Dr. Zweers is going to a urologist conference in Germany today, so he'll try to find a urologist there willing to perform the procedure and contact me about it. I expect to hear more next week.
The main thing I'm taking away from this is that Germany is indeed the right place to go to for someone like me. The Netherlands is horribly restrictive in countless ways, and not to mention bloody expensive in every regard. What I should find in Germany is proper medical care, and a relatively cheap place to live, surrounded by the beautiful nature of South-Germany. I'll take it :)
Maya
Short version, the usual mess with the assistant calling for a Mr. Posch, many apologies and such from her side, and then Dr. Zweers himself. It didn't go bad at all. This doctor finally is one who is simply doing his job. He understands my situation, would like to see it carried out right away, but in the Netherlands in my situation that can only be legally done via a gender team. Or in Germany.
It just happened to be that Dr. Zweers is going to a urologist conference in Germany today, so he'll try to find a urologist there willing to perform the procedure and contact me about it. I expect to hear more next week.
The main thing I'm taking away from this is that Germany is indeed the right place to go to for someone like me. The Netherlands is horribly restrictive in countless ways, and not to mention bloody expensive in every regard. What I should find in Germany is proper medical care, and a relatively cheap place to live, surrounded by the beautiful nature of South-Germany. I'll take it :)
Maya
Monday, 12 September 2011
Looking For Peace On A Battlefield
Today I had to go to the police station to give yet another statement. The doctor's office which wanted to charge me for destruction of property now also wanted to charge me with threatening the doctors and others there. Even though this is obvious nonsense as I had warned them many times in advance about my PTSD and DID conditions, and it was their negligence in performing their regular duties which triggered things. It's now up to the Justice Department to decide on this.
Further I got a very nasty call from an assistant of my current family doctor, who is back from vacation. This assistant told me that I won't get a referral to a urologist after all, as he wants to 'prevent me from getting disappointed'. They told me to go to the gender team in Amsterdam, at the VUMC. The same place where I got my initial PTSD. Mentioning this didn't help. Another hospital I called, where a friend had already had contact with a urologist there, I got told that I might get an intake one month from now and it was very doubtful they could help me there. I am getting the impression that they all think that I'm some kind of icky transsexual who is trying to cheat the system and thus refuse to help me.
A few days ago my insurance company also refused to cover the electrolysis therapy I have to undergo to remove all facial hair. I had to request coverage under the term 'transsexual', as they do not know the term 'intersex', yet both cases are similar enough that it shouldn't give any issues. The request got rejected because a) I am still officially listed as being male, and b) I should have provided an indication for the necessity years ago and it's now too late.
I honestly can not deal with any of this any more. Nothing is possible. Nothing can be done or changed. Everything I try or do is wrong or misguided.
I wish I could request asylum in Germany or so.
I wish I could escape from this battlefield.
I wish I could escape to some place where I don't have to fight for a change...
Is there such a place? Does anyone know any? Can anyone help me? Please... *cries*
Maya
Further I got a very nasty call from an assistant of my current family doctor, who is back from vacation. This assistant told me that I won't get a referral to a urologist after all, as he wants to 'prevent me from getting disappointed'. They told me to go to the gender team in Amsterdam, at the VUMC. The same place where I got my initial PTSD. Mentioning this didn't help. Another hospital I called, where a friend had already had contact with a urologist there, I got told that I might get an intake one month from now and it was very doubtful they could help me there. I am getting the impression that they all think that I'm some kind of icky transsexual who is trying to cheat the system and thus refuse to help me.
A few days ago my insurance company also refused to cover the electrolysis therapy I have to undergo to remove all facial hair. I had to request coverage under the term 'transsexual', as they do not know the term 'intersex', yet both cases are similar enough that it shouldn't give any issues. The request got rejected because a) I am still officially listed as being male, and b) I should have provided an indication for the necessity years ago and it's now too late.
I honestly can not deal with any of this any more. Nothing is possible. Nothing can be done or changed. Everything I try or do is wrong or misguided.
I wish I could request asylum in Germany or so.
I wish I could escape from this battlefield.
I wish I could escape to some place where I don't have to fight for a change...
Is there such a place? Does anyone know any? Can anyone help me? Please... *cries*
Maya
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Nursing The Raw Pain Inside My Heart
Today my brother and his new wife dropped by. It was the first time I saw them together, and it reminded me why I had avoided such a meeting so far. It evokes just far too many negative feelings inside me. They left earlier and I'm left with raw pain and sorrow tearing their way through my very soul. Note that I don't blame them for anything. They're just what they are: normal people.
I just got dealt a really bad hand of cards even before I was born which would disadvantage me for the rest of my life, which would make my youth a hell and stunt my emotional and social development. It would prevent me from making friends at any stage in life.
I feel like a small child. Just playing around while ignoring the world until something suddenly makes me look up from the sandbox I was playing in, and notice that all my fantasies are just that.
Why does it feel like I get all the hardships while others breeze ahead in life? The terrifying pain of not having any reasons for why my life has to be a Hell drives me towards the only action one can take in the face of ultimate meaninglessness: defying the terrors of life by terminating it, thus taking away the means through which it can hurt me.
I'm a child. A terrified child. A child locked in a closet by its parents for so long, it has forgotten how long it has been. All I know is uncertainty and sheer terror. I would dream of a better life, but I don't know how. There's just this darkness.
Maybe some day...
It'll be fine...
Keep fighting...
You're so strong...
...
There's only darkness. Only loneliness. Only this hole in my heart which makes me want to scream out in pain. Just voices whispering to me in the darkness. If only I could end it...
Maya
I just got dealt a really bad hand of cards even before I was born which would disadvantage me for the rest of my life, which would make my youth a hell and stunt my emotional and social development. It would prevent me from making friends at any stage in life.
I feel like a small child. Just playing around while ignoring the world until something suddenly makes me look up from the sandbox I was playing in, and notice that all my fantasies are just that.
Why does it feel like I get all the hardships while others breeze ahead in life? The terrifying pain of not having any reasons for why my life has to be a Hell drives me towards the only action one can take in the face of ultimate meaninglessness: defying the terrors of life by terminating it, thus taking away the means through which it can hurt me.
I'm a child. A terrified child. A child locked in a closet by its parents for so long, it has forgotten how long it has been. All I know is uncertainty and sheer terror. I would dream of a better life, but I don't know how. There's just this darkness.
Maybe some day...
It'll be fine...
Keep fighting...
You're so strong...
...
There's only darkness. Only loneliness. Only this hole in my heart which makes me want to scream out in pain. Just voices whispering to me in the darkness. If only I could end it...
Maya
Friday, 2 September 2011
Saving An Utterly Ungrateful World
All I ever wanted was for people... for everyone to be happy and have light hearts filled with joy. Not burdened by anything other than naivety and good intentions I set out to change the world, a long time ago.
What I didn't count on was the darkness which fills people's hearts. From the hostility and uncaring ignorance of psychologists and politicians, to the willful evil practiced by physicians, manipulating me into accepting a fate I would never be happy with, let alone could live with. As the saying goes, do not attribute to malice what can be attributed to ignorance. With all the information out there and being taught at medical schools in particular, there can be no claim of ignorance. It's pure, undiluted, pitch-dark malice. Mutilating infants, teenagers and adults alike. Causing untold mental traumas.
And then the real kicker... those so-called organizations which claim to concern themselves with helping people like the intersex? They are only interested in petty politics. Try to find a single person who was helped directly by them and I'll be amazed. These organizations, whether they claim to campaign for intersex, transsexual or homosexual people, do not participate in any kind of public education, whether it's through demonstrations, providing educational materials to schools or even passing out leaflets. They do not provide shelters or other forms of direct care like the Red Cross does. There are countless volunteer organizations who manage to help thousands of starving or otherwise suffering people, and these 'human rights' organizations fail to do anything at all? How in heaven's name is this possible unless they are willingly pulling us, the victims, the wool over the ears?
When I was trying to get help in my situation, being persecuted, discriminated against and being denied medical help, I have begged organizations like OII to help me, and never got a single response from them. Yet when I had the nerve to design my own intersex logo and start a webstore (http://www.printfection.com/mayaposch) I got attacked for using the male/female symbols ("symbols of our oppressors"). When I started my own organization (http://www.mayaposch.com/wish.php) for intersex rights, I got attacked viciously by people from OII. People I had never got a response out of suddenly started accusing me and others who had joined me of talking wrongly about them, slandering their name, and that they did help people directly (by talking...). That was when things kind of snapped inside of me.
Nearly seven years of dealings with physicians, politicians and psychologists have caused me enormous and permanent harm in the form of PTSD and virtually every other traumatic disorder in the books. It is beyond sad that I now have intersex 'activists' attacking me for having the nerve to questions their actions and daring to go my own course. Worse is that it is doing horrible things inside of me. More loneliness and rejection. More people accusing me of things which aren't true, forcing me to defend myself while I'd rather run away but I can't go anywhere... I spent about an hour crying today.
I have no desire to fight. All I wanted was to be happy. For everyone to be happy. Yet with the way things are now, I can find absolutely no joy in life. There is too much darkness covering everything. I hope to survive the coming months by abandoning my efforts to save the world and focusing just on myself. Hopefully that will keep the stress levels down enough to avoid triggering my traumas yet again. The thoughts flashing through my head during those episodes are far from pleasant. I'd rather not mutilate or kill myself...
Maya
What I didn't count on was the darkness which fills people's hearts. From the hostility and uncaring ignorance of psychologists and politicians, to the willful evil practiced by physicians, manipulating me into accepting a fate I would never be happy with, let alone could live with. As the saying goes, do not attribute to malice what can be attributed to ignorance. With all the information out there and being taught at medical schools in particular, there can be no claim of ignorance. It's pure, undiluted, pitch-dark malice. Mutilating infants, teenagers and adults alike. Causing untold mental traumas.
And then the real kicker... those so-called organizations which claim to concern themselves with helping people like the intersex? They are only interested in petty politics. Try to find a single person who was helped directly by them and I'll be amazed. These organizations, whether they claim to campaign for intersex, transsexual or homosexual people, do not participate in any kind of public education, whether it's through demonstrations, providing educational materials to schools or even passing out leaflets. They do not provide shelters or other forms of direct care like the Red Cross does. There are countless volunteer organizations who manage to help thousands of starving or otherwise suffering people, and these 'human rights' organizations fail to do anything at all? How in heaven's name is this possible unless they are willingly pulling us, the victims, the wool over the ears?
When I was trying to get help in my situation, being persecuted, discriminated against and being denied medical help, I have begged organizations like OII to help me, and never got a single response from them. Yet when I had the nerve to design my own intersex logo and start a webstore (http://www.printfection.com/mayaposch) I got attacked for using the male/female symbols ("symbols of our oppressors"). When I started my own organization (http://www.mayaposch.com/wish.php) for intersex rights, I got attacked viciously by people from OII. People I had never got a response out of suddenly started accusing me and others who had joined me of talking wrongly about them, slandering their name, and that they did help people directly (by talking...). That was when things kind of snapped inside of me.
Nearly seven years of dealings with physicians, politicians and psychologists have caused me enormous and permanent harm in the form of PTSD and virtually every other traumatic disorder in the books. It is beyond sad that I now have intersex 'activists' attacking me for having the nerve to questions their actions and daring to go my own course. Worse is that it is doing horrible things inside of me. More loneliness and rejection. More people accusing me of things which aren't true, forcing me to defend myself while I'd rather run away but I can't go anywhere... I spent about an hour crying today.
I have no desire to fight. All I wanted was to be happy. For everyone to be happy. Yet with the way things are now, I can find absolutely no joy in life. There is too much darkness covering everything. I hope to survive the coming months by abandoning my efforts to save the world and focusing just on myself. Hopefully that will keep the stress levels down enough to avoid triggering my traumas yet again. The thoughts flashing through my head during those episodes are far from pleasant. I'd rather not mutilate or kill myself...
Maya
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