As I'm sitting here, looking out of a window at sunlit trees and other green, I can only really consider all that is happening right now part of something akin to the seasons. I have had my autumn as I embarked on my quest to find answers, or maybe even before it already. Then the long winter as every chance and opportunity just dried up and shriveled away, until a few dots of light signaled the end of winter. Now it's finally time for spring.
Today was indicative of this more than ever before. Aside from working on what has to be one of the best jobs one could wish for, I had a few communications today which make it clear how far things have changed. One of these was a response from Janet Green from Accord Alliance, a US organization claiming to support the intersex cause. I had updated her recently about how things had gone for me since we last talked, about two years ago. She was very happy to hear how things had changed, and expressed her understanding for how much energy fighting for justice takes.
Another communication was with Dr. Bowers, a US surgeon. I had contacted her late last year to ask her whether she would be able to help me with my last surgery. It took many months to get a first response, which was rather negative. She basically denounced me for having the nerve to sue the Dutch hospitals, insisting that they too had just done their best. This led me to write a response:
"Dear Dr. Bowers,
I'm sorry to hear about your objections. If you had read up on my story in any manner you'd have realized that the issue was not between my previous providers and me, but between the Dutch and German providers, each of which had drawn a completely opposite conclusion. In the end it was the German conclusion - of me being intersex - which turned out to be the correct one. Demanding satisfaction from those who cost me years of my life due to incorrect diagnostics and other failings then is nothing more than the reasonable course of action. I'm sure you would agree with me on that.
Attached you'll find an example of an MRI scan made a few years ago which clearly shows the relevant details. Three German hospitals have independently confirmed me as being intersex (hermaphrodite) based upon these and other MRI scans in addition to further examinations.
The reason why I contacted [you - red] was because of others telling me about your work with women who had suffered genital mutilation. This made me think you'd be a passionate and caring person. I do however at this point not feel any inclination to pursue any further relations with you in order to get any kind of medical procedure performed. The first duty of a healthcare provider is to consider the patient's needs and concerns. I do not feel that this has been met in any sufficient manner in my case.
Thank you,
Maya Posch"
Her response:
"Maya...
Terribly sorry you feel this way towards my response. I think if, in hindsight, you re-read my words, you will find the compasssion (sic) and sincerity for which I am known.
On the other hand, medicine as a specialty, is challenging. It faces each of us, caring and compassionate as we may try to be, with challenges and nuances, that are often as vexing as they are fascinating. Your condition is delicate, unusual and subtle. While I agree with the ideal that listening to you and searching further in the face of conflicting information would have been the proper course for your Dutch providers, I do not feel that your response to sue and hold those persons accountable, is either socially responsible or personally moral. Those of us in the trans community search, often in vain, for providers of even the most basic care and medical ser5vices (sic). Responses and attitudes such as you appear to hold only compromises the willingness and resolve of future potential providers to offer that care and to reach and understand"
With this last exchange another lead fizzles out, but I honestly do not feel too bad about it.
I still have to contact that other surgeon I talked about yesterday. It's hard for me to make that step to once again contact a hospital and specialist about this issue. Much harder than I had anticipated. I spent part of today simply crying because of the pain and confusion I felt as countless memories resurfaced. Of sitting hyperventilating in waiting rooms, anxiously awaiting another denial and careless dismissal. While I can put myself over it, I do not wish to damage myself further, psychologically. Yet I still need that surgeon who'll help me to finish what I started.
Finally, I got mailed a link today to an article on the Pride Photo Award site. It's a news article about the exposition I talked about yesterday, and contains a huge section about my story and the questionable idea of performing genital surgery on infants and children. I felt pretty happy about it, as though I'm already making very positive waves. Here's the article (English version): http://www.pridephotoaward.org/archives/3038
Excerpt: "Children like Maya are born almost every day. Medics and parents choose whether the child should have male or female genitalia, which are then (re)constructed surgically. "But how can they know if their children will identify as that gender", Brinkhorst wonders."
Here's to a beautiful spring and even better summer.
Maya
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
I'm Somewhere In There
Yesterday was terribly exciting. Or maybe not. I did my usual working on the iOS application project I'm assigned to, then went to visit this photo exposition thing for a Dutch photography award, called 'Zilveren Camera' (Silver Camera), which had a tie-in with the Pride Photo Award for which I'm applying together with the Dutch photographer Eric Brinkhorst. Ergo my pictures and story were put up there as well.
While I had nothing bad to say about the two photos of mine on display there, nor the NRC newspaper article accompanying them, I didn't really feel like I should have been there at the event. It was mostly people talking about the award and along with me not knowing anyone there beyond Eric, there was also nobody seemingly recognizing me or wanting to show they had recognized me from the photos there. In the end I just wandered around a bit aimlessly before leaving. I also really didn't like the works of one of the winners of the Zilveren Camera, who specialized in photography bordering on child pornography. I found it to be pretty tasteless at any rate.
On my way back from the exposition I felt pretty uncomfortable. Beyond having some of my traumas triggered by seeing the child nude photography and getting ignored I felt I had to question my desire to participate in the Pride Photo Award event. Wouldn't it just lead to more ridicule? What would I truly accomplish with it? It took me until this morning that I realized that while the Pride Photo Award is useless to reach the common folk, it can nevertheless serve to inform others about the existence of intersex. Ergo I decided to press on with it.
This morning I went to a local beauty salon for my usual hair removal therapy, with Eric accompanying me to make some photos for the Pride Photo Award series. There I learned from the beautician that she couldn't really say whether this method actually is effective. Since it uses waxing as a start followed by an IPL flashing using the device generally used for rejuvenation, it shouldn't have any effect. Yet the beautician I was at before claimed that it had worked for another client of hers. Who to believe, I guess. I do hope it's effective at any rate.
After the treatment we went into the city so that I could pick up a few electronics items, including a USB hub for use with my new laptop since it only has 3 USB ports. We also got some ice cream, which is a good idea now that the weather is finally turning towards spring from the 'ten degrees too cold for this season' kinda feeling. Once home I saw that I had received the money I had earned last month and used it to order my new laptop along with a copy of Windows 7 Ultimate. I can't wait to finally switch to a proper system to work on again.
A few hours ago I also received from Yme Drost's office the response my insurance company Unive had sent to Yme in response to his earlier letter to Unive in which he demanded that they'd start fully covering my hair removal therapy since my situation is very much comparable to that of transsexuals in this area. Unive's response was that since SKGZ has previously judged that my situation and that of transsexuals are not comparable that they do not have to cover it.
The next step here should be then that Unive will have to defend their view before a judge since SKGZ has no general legal jurisdiction but is more of an advisory body for health insurers and their clients. I'd very much like to see this issue finally see being resolved. I started trying to get this procedure I need to remove facial hair growth back in early 2011 and still haven't accomplished anything there, over two years later. Nothing would please me more to see Unive having to get back on their words, to make life easier for intersex individuals in the Netherlands and others as well. Me getting back the thousands of Euros I have spent on hair removal therapy so far would be nice too.
Oh yeah... in between all that there's me as well :) Just another person trying to live her life amidst evil companies and uncaring politicians, dodging obstacles in a worse-than-a-jungle society.
This week I'll try to contact a surgeon a friend contacted for me. This surgeon might be willing to help me with the last issue I have towards feeling like my body is finally complete: having my female side restored by opening up the existing vagina and creating labia. This really is something which doesn't benefit anyone but myself. It's a highly personal thing, yet I still feel the need to share it because it too is part of the list of items I tried to get fixed for over eight years now. Having this last issue resolved will mean for me that there are no remaining medical issues and a general feeling of calmness where there are now turbulent emotions.
Any woman with a condition which results in a non-functional vagina can probably agree on the severe psychological issues this causes. It's no different for me as a hermaphrodite. Losing one side of oneself might as well mean losing everything in a sense.
Here's hoping that this, too, will soon be a thing of the past.
Maya
While I had nothing bad to say about the two photos of mine on display there, nor the NRC newspaper article accompanying them, I didn't really feel like I should have been there at the event. It was mostly people talking about the award and along with me not knowing anyone there beyond Eric, there was also nobody seemingly recognizing me or wanting to show they had recognized me from the photos there. In the end I just wandered around a bit aimlessly before leaving. I also really didn't like the works of one of the winners of the Zilveren Camera, who specialized in photography bordering on child pornography. I found it to be pretty tasteless at any rate.
On my way back from the exposition I felt pretty uncomfortable. Beyond having some of my traumas triggered by seeing the child nude photography and getting ignored I felt I had to question my desire to participate in the Pride Photo Award event. Wouldn't it just lead to more ridicule? What would I truly accomplish with it? It took me until this morning that I realized that while the Pride Photo Award is useless to reach the common folk, it can nevertheless serve to inform others about the existence of intersex. Ergo I decided to press on with it.
This morning I went to a local beauty salon for my usual hair removal therapy, with Eric accompanying me to make some photos for the Pride Photo Award series. There I learned from the beautician that she couldn't really say whether this method actually is effective. Since it uses waxing as a start followed by an IPL flashing using the device generally used for rejuvenation, it shouldn't have any effect. Yet the beautician I was at before claimed that it had worked for another client of hers. Who to believe, I guess. I do hope it's effective at any rate.
After the treatment we went into the city so that I could pick up a few electronics items, including a USB hub for use with my new laptop since it only has 3 USB ports. We also got some ice cream, which is a good idea now that the weather is finally turning towards spring from the 'ten degrees too cold for this season' kinda feeling. Once home I saw that I had received the money I had earned last month and used it to order my new laptop along with a copy of Windows 7 Ultimate. I can't wait to finally switch to a proper system to work on again.
A few hours ago I also received from Yme Drost's office the response my insurance company Unive had sent to Yme in response to his earlier letter to Unive in which he demanded that they'd start fully covering my hair removal therapy since my situation is very much comparable to that of transsexuals in this area. Unive's response was that since SKGZ has previously judged that my situation and that of transsexuals are not comparable that they do not have to cover it.
The next step here should be then that Unive will have to defend their view before a judge since SKGZ has no general legal jurisdiction but is more of an advisory body for health insurers and their clients. I'd very much like to see this issue finally see being resolved. I started trying to get this procedure I need to remove facial hair growth back in early 2011 and still haven't accomplished anything there, over two years later. Nothing would please me more to see Unive having to get back on their words, to make life easier for intersex individuals in the Netherlands and others as well. Me getting back the thousands of Euros I have spent on hair removal therapy so far would be nice too.
Oh yeah... in between all that there's me as well :) Just another person trying to live her life amidst evil companies and uncaring politicians, dodging obstacles in a worse-than-a-jungle society.
This week I'll try to contact a surgeon a friend contacted for me. This surgeon might be willing to help me with the last issue I have towards feeling like my body is finally complete: having my female side restored by opening up the existing vagina and creating labia. This really is something which doesn't benefit anyone but myself. It's a highly personal thing, yet I still feel the need to share it because it too is part of the list of items I tried to get fixed for over eight years now. Having this last issue resolved will mean for me that there are no remaining medical issues and a general feeling of calmness where there are now turbulent emotions.
Any woman with a condition which results in a non-functional vagina can probably agree on the severe psychological issues this causes. It's no different for me as a hermaphrodite. Losing one side of oneself might as well mean losing everything in a sense.
Here's hoping that this, too, will soon be a thing of the past.
Maya
Sunday, 7 April 2013
All The Stuff You Didn't See
Looking back at the things I have written about on my blog the past months I have to admit that there's a lot of formal stuff on it, but very little about me as a person. I think that this is a bit of a shame, as originally I had set up this blog to share my daily happenings as well as larger events with the world. Much of this is of course due to the changes which happened during late 2012, when I got my first job as a developer.
Considering those five months I spent there I can honestly say that I'm more glad than ever that I landed the job I currently have. My previous working place was extremely demotivating and also didn't match up very well with the other demands my life places upon me. I'm not suited to working from 9-5 at an office, partially because it goes in against how I work, partially due to the curbing of my freedom in setting my own schedule, and partially because in software development there's precious little reason to spend time at an office when you can do the same work from anywhere.
Anyway, as a result I had to cram in media events, hospital appointments, legal hearings and heavens know what else into the few paid free days I got offered. This didn't leave much time to... well, live. In addition to a relationship going from bad to terrible, various uncertainties about financial and legal matters and trying to help a person who just didn't want to be helped it seems as though I kinda just didn't quite _live_ during those months.
Now that I'm out of it all, with the relationship over, me having gotten an awesome job at a great German company which allows me all the freedom I could wish for, and the ramping up of various events media and legal-wise which will both further break down the tyranny of the legal system against all those who are born 'different' - as well as inform the average person about what the hell intersex is and how the heck they could have missed something so extremely common - it's hard for me not to start feeling more myself. More... human, I guess.
Sure, from yesterday until a few hours ago I had a continuous migraine, and I regularly suffer from mild migraines for the past months now, but I think that's just the stress of the past months coming out of my system. I actually am beginning to feel creative and motivated again. I want to go back to working on fun things, as well as write again on my stories, such as my Ocarina of Time-based Zelda novel, the Viral Desire survival-horror novel and the semi-autobiographic In Between And Neither. Maybe I'll even start work on my autobiography.
I have plenty of ideas for games as well, Android and PC. This in addition to various ambitious software projects I have underway, such as the VHDL compiler I'm writing and the now rapidly progressing WildFox browser project. The latter I'm especially happy with. I'm hoping to replace all other browsers I use with it pretty soon now. Sure, it still needs a few more features and some debugging love, but I'm actually using it for the past few days on this old laptop, and it's a breeze of fresh air compared to bloated Firefox and Chrome.
With money coming in now I am also able to get that new laptop I talked about before. It should allow me to go back to doing 3D modelling and such. I'm also of mind to play around with programming that custom CPU architecture in VHDL again. It's good to be creative, even if I have just shown myself to be a total and utter geek :)
I'm looking forward to returning to my apartment in Almere soon. While it's going to take some adjusting to live on my own with no one around, I think I'll be fine. I should be able to get everything which suffered due to my absence quickly in shape again.
A last thing I wanted to talk about are the movies and games I enjoyed lately. I recently watched the second Silent Hill movie, which is based on the third instalment of the game series with the same name. It was a quite good movie, capturing well the atmosphere of the game, and definitely not a bad movie version of the game's story. I also watched it in 3D, which looks quite good with this movie since it was filmed in 3D.
The 3D effect with the second movie I watched recently watched was even better: The Hobbit, the first part. I watched the High-Frame Rate (HFR) version, which uses 48 frames per second instead of the usual 24. All I can say is that I'd recommend people to always watch the HFR version if possible. The motion is just so much smoother especially while panning and during action scenes that it makes non-HFR movies look cheap. The movie itself is quite enjoyable as well, and I will watch the second part when it comes out.
Finally, I enjoyed playing Mass Effect 2 a lot a while ago. It actually saddened me to lose two team members, though I was rather annoyed to learn that I lost most of my ship's crew because you have a time limit after they get kidnapped to get them back. Nobody told me, I guess :(
A game I didn't play, but of which I watched multiple walkthroughs, has definitely astounded me with its awesome writing. The game is called Bioshock Infinite and it's the third part of the Bioshock series. Truth to be told it's more of a spiritual successor, since it doesn't play in the same time period (1912 instead of 1960s) and aside from one scene there's never a direct link. That doesn't take away that it's an awesome game, however. The writing has such depth and brilliance that you literally have to experience twice. Once to get bedazzled by it, the second time to actually understand the depth and meaning of everything you see and hear.
Anyway, I'll be heading to bed now as it's nearing midnight :) I have to work tomorrow, then after dinner I'm meeting up with a photographer regarding our attempt at winning first place in this year's Pride Photo Award. All we need at this point is really the first public hearing against the VUmc's gender team to get the final shots to perfect the series.
Goodnight and see you all tomorrow :)
Maya
Friday, 5 April 2013
I Am Just A Human As Well
Today I spent most of the time working for the German company I started doing work for last month. I'm currently working on an iPhone application for the cultural department of the German city of Karlsruhe, updating the old codebase. It's my first major iOS application I'm working on and so far I'm learning quickly. I hope that my work is satisfactory to the boss of the company, as well as to my colleagues.
I'm feeling a tad uncertain about it because I haven't received the money yet for the hours I worked last month. My financial reserves are extremely low again, which makes me feel quite depressed. Not that I expect that I will not get any money, just that I have lived so long on the edge of bankruptcy, it's an all too familiar frightening feeling. There's also that I have suffered so much betrayal, that it's hard not let the memories overtake me. Some of you may remember how uncertain I felt before the surgery I had in Germany in 2011. It's hard for me to trust anyone or anything.
Anyway, I think that this will all be resolved soon. I can then use the money to buy a new laptop to replace the current one I'm using. This old laptop is a Packard Bell from 2007. AMD TK-53 1.7 GHz dual-core, ATi X1200 GPU. It was quite fine six years ago, but it's really long in the tooth by now. It can not run any new graphical applications, its memory of 2 GB is very restrictive, and the HDD is very small. As I won't have access to my dual-display, quad-core system back at home any time soon yet it's pretty much a requirement for me to get a good laptop.
As far as the apartment goes, I reckon I'd be okay with moving to a new place as well, although I'd need to prove somehow that I am earning sufficiently. That's likely the deal breaker the coming months assuming that I can earn sufficiently the coming time. So plan A is still to get the place back. Hopefully this month things will work out. I'm kinda sick of having to deal with such an unnecessary source of stress in addition to everything.
Regarding money... my lawyer Yme Drost recently sent a friendly letter to my insurance company Unive, regarding their refusal to fully cover the hair-removal therapy I am forced to undergo due to my intersex condition. They insist that my situation is not comparable to that of transsexuals who also need to have facial hair removed after switching gender roles. My lawyer and I both agree that this is false and that this matter falls under discrimination.
Unive has until early next week to respond. Failure to comply to the request to pay will result in further legal steps to be taken. At stake is many thousands of Euros I should be getting back from Unive. Money I could really use the coming time.
Getting out of all this madness, I'll be visiting a photography event in the city of Hengelo on Monday, to meet up with an acquainted photographer. It'll be good to be away from things for a bit.
In the end I'm only a human being. Between working almost every day for 7-8 hours, having to fight to regain my home, worrying about money and the future as well as dealing with all that my country and the people in it have done to me over the past years, there's precious little rest I get. I feel desperate at times when I wonder whether I'll ever be able to just... live.
I find some solace in projects I work on in my spare time, such as my WildFox browser project. It feels good to be working on something I enjoy and which others appreciate as well. I secretly hope that it'll grow into a big, successful project.
This year should see many issues resolved, but it'll once again wear me down to the bone in the process. Just got to hold on for a bit longer...
Maya
I'm feeling a tad uncertain about it because I haven't received the money yet for the hours I worked last month. My financial reserves are extremely low again, which makes me feel quite depressed. Not that I expect that I will not get any money, just that I have lived so long on the edge of bankruptcy, it's an all too familiar frightening feeling. There's also that I have suffered so much betrayal, that it's hard not let the memories overtake me. Some of you may remember how uncertain I felt before the surgery I had in Germany in 2011. It's hard for me to trust anyone or anything.
Anyway, I think that this will all be resolved soon. I can then use the money to buy a new laptop to replace the current one I'm using. This old laptop is a Packard Bell from 2007. AMD TK-53 1.7 GHz dual-core, ATi X1200 GPU. It was quite fine six years ago, but it's really long in the tooth by now. It can not run any new graphical applications, its memory of 2 GB is very restrictive, and the HDD is very small. As I won't have access to my dual-display, quad-core system back at home any time soon yet it's pretty much a requirement for me to get a good laptop.
As far as the apartment goes, I reckon I'd be okay with moving to a new place as well, although I'd need to prove somehow that I am earning sufficiently. That's likely the deal breaker the coming months assuming that I can earn sufficiently the coming time. So plan A is still to get the place back. Hopefully this month things will work out. I'm kinda sick of having to deal with such an unnecessary source of stress in addition to everything.
Regarding money... my lawyer Yme Drost recently sent a friendly letter to my insurance company Unive, regarding their refusal to fully cover the hair-removal therapy I am forced to undergo due to my intersex condition. They insist that my situation is not comparable to that of transsexuals who also need to have facial hair removed after switching gender roles. My lawyer and I both agree that this is false and that this matter falls under discrimination.
Unive has until early next week to respond. Failure to comply to the request to pay will result in further legal steps to be taken. At stake is many thousands of Euros I should be getting back from Unive. Money I could really use the coming time.
Getting out of all this madness, I'll be visiting a photography event in the city of Hengelo on Monday, to meet up with an acquainted photographer. It'll be good to be away from things for a bit.
In the end I'm only a human being. Between working almost every day for 7-8 hours, having to fight to regain my home, worrying about money and the future as well as dealing with all that my country and the people in it have done to me over the past years, there's precious little rest I get. I feel desperate at times when I wonder whether I'll ever be able to just... live.
I find some solace in projects I work on in my spare time, such as my WildFox browser project. It feels good to be working on something I enjoy and which others appreciate as well. I secretly hope that it'll grow into a big, successful project.
This year should see many issues resolved, but it'll once again wear me down to the bone in the process. Just got to hold on for a bit longer...
Maya
Thursday, 4 April 2013
What To Keep, What To Abandon
Depending on one's situation and future, one can be faced with one of life's most harrowing choices: what to keep, and what to abandon?
To those living an easy life - supported by one's environment - nothing has to be abandoned. They just float along on the current and no difficult choices ever have to be made. It's only for those who are torn from this easy current and forced to face the brutal, unforgiving side of society that this choice becomes impossible to ignore.
What to keep?
To be human means being both emotions and feelings as well as intellect. The latter helps one survive, the former is a liability; to be discarded gradually or immediately as the situation calls for it. To survive means being steel: cold and unforgiving. It does not co-exist with the softness and gentleness of a protected life.
And yet one needs both to remain human.
What to abandon?
Abandoning emotions and feelings can be most desirable. There are only two states one can be in: capable and incapable of feeling emotions. Leaving oneself even a small bit open to emotions means opening oneself up to hurt and psychological trauma. There's no middle road. Capable or incapable.
Yet one is still human.
To survive is to be steel, with an inlay of fine, blood-red webbing; a solid core pervaded by hurt and agony.
To survive is to be steel, once one gives up on being human.
Maya
To those living an easy life - supported by one's environment - nothing has to be abandoned. They just float along on the current and no difficult choices ever have to be made. It's only for those who are torn from this easy current and forced to face the brutal, unforgiving side of society that this choice becomes impossible to ignore.
What to keep?
To be human means being both emotions and feelings as well as intellect. The latter helps one survive, the former is a liability; to be discarded gradually or immediately as the situation calls for it. To survive means being steel: cold and unforgiving. It does not co-exist with the softness and gentleness of a protected life.
And yet one needs both to remain human.
What to abandon?
Abandoning emotions and feelings can be most desirable. There are only two states one can be in: capable and incapable of feeling emotions. Leaving oneself even a small bit open to emotions means opening oneself up to hurt and psychological trauma. There's no middle road. Capable or incapable.
Yet one is still human.
To survive is to be steel, with an inlay of fine, blood-red webbing; a solid core pervaded by hurt and agony.
To survive is to be steel, once one gives up on being human.
Maya
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
It's Choices All The Way Down
Imagine a single speck of light in the midst of impenetrable darkness. Imagine that this speck of light has multiple choices: to move in any direction it desires. Now, doing so in any fashion will result in said speck of light bumping into another speck of light after some time. Upon this happening, the universe of choices essentially explodes for both specks: not only can they just move about however they desire; they now also have a multitude of choices regarding the other speck they just encountered. So many things they can do, so many results.
Now imagine a galaxy, nay, a universe filled with such specks of light, all with their own unimaginable number of choices. Do I greet the other speck, hug it, hit it, try to start a relationship, become friends, procreate to create new tiny specks of light, convince other specks to engage in violent conflict with other specks or other erratic behaviour for reasons unbeknownst, and in how far does it matter whether it's a logical, well-reasoned decision?
This, in a galactic nutshell, is humanism. It's literally choices all the way down from here.
Now, voices will most decidedly be raised in protest that humans aren't simplistic enough to be reduced to mere specks of light, albeit with a level of sentience. Here is where behaviour experts (animal and/or human) and psychologists meet common ground: little of human behaviour is founded in intellectualism, and most of it is of the complexity displayed by even basic multi-celled organisms, whether in possession of a central nervous system or not.
In the end the uncaring universe presents all of us organisms with choices, from which we get to pick. By playing it just right we can survive, gain the upper hand within a group, obtain breeding access to that most attractive baboon female, become a famous historical leader, or pick our nose while the others aren't watching.
Okay, so we humans then are apparently as organized as a bunch of single-celled organisms bumping about in a jar filled with mucky water?
Not too far from the truth, I reckon. True, certain patterns can be detected, but something like the organized movements displayed by certain groups of fish or birds are scarce. Only major sporting events and riots - in as far as they can be seen as separate events - seem to evoke any kind of organization within a group of humans. Beyond this the choices made every few milliseconds by every waking human individual seem to result in a system which even defies chaos theory, moving into something far more surreal.
Imagine a universe filled with specks of light where each speck cared for no more than itself and those part of arbitrary categories such as 'mate', 'offspring', 'friends' and 'today's rising fluffy pop star'. All choices made by every speck would in the first place serve the speck itself, secondly those in the most important categories, thirdly by those a ring down, and so on. In the resulting chaos and mayhem all specks are rapidly killed, incapacitated, driven to suicide or watching re-runs of 'As the World Turns'. All ends with a single lonely speck of light drifting around for a while until finally blinking out.
This is the second part of humanism: to prevent this scenario from happening. Those who care about others without being able to fully justify this, except that they know that it will improve the lives of others. Those who run homeless shelters. Those who labour to right injustice done to individuals or groups. Those who save that kitten found dying in a rainy park. Those are humanists in at least part of their being.
People who care, who fight to right things. People who want that their choices are beneficial to all where possible. It's a choice to do so, every few milliseconds again. It's easier to be selfish. Less trouble. Less responsibility. Yet being a human being should come with the responsibility to be a humanist; to make the right choices for all.
Let everyone of us be the brightest speck of light in the universe :)
Maya
Now imagine a galaxy, nay, a universe filled with such specks of light, all with their own unimaginable number of choices. Do I greet the other speck, hug it, hit it, try to start a relationship, become friends, procreate to create new tiny specks of light, convince other specks to engage in violent conflict with other specks or other erratic behaviour for reasons unbeknownst, and in how far does it matter whether it's a logical, well-reasoned decision?
This, in a galactic nutshell, is humanism. It's literally choices all the way down from here.
Now, voices will most decidedly be raised in protest that humans aren't simplistic enough to be reduced to mere specks of light, albeit with a level of sentience. Here is where behaviour experts (animal and/or human) and psychologists meet common ground: little of human behaviour is founded in intellectualism, and most of it is of the complexity displayed by even basic multi-celled organisms, whether in possession of a central nervous system or not.
In the end the uncaring universe presents all of us organisms with choices, from which we get to pick. By playing it just right we can survive, gain the upper hand within a group, obtain breeding access to that most attractive baboon female, become a famous historical leader, or pick our nose while the others aren't watching.
Okay, so we humans then are apparently as organized as a bunch of single-celled organisms bumping about in a jar filled with mucky water?
Not too far from the truth, I reckon. True, certain patterns can be detected, but something like the organized movements displayed by certain groups of fish or birds are scarce. Only major sporting events and riots - in as far as they can be seen as separate events - seem to evoke any kind of organization within a group of humans. Beyond this the choices made every few milliseconds by every waking human individual seem to result in a system which even defies chaos theory, moving into something far more surreal.
Imagine a universe filled with specks of light where each speck cared for no more than itself and those part of arbitrary categories such as 'mate', 'offspring', 'friends' and 'today's rising fluffy pop star'. All choices made by every speck would in the first place serve the speck itself, secondly those in the most important categories, thirdly by those a ring down, and so on. In the resulting chaos and mayhem all specks are rapidly killed, incapacitated, driven to suicide or watching re-runs of 'As the World Turns'. All ends with a single lonely speck of light drifting around for a while until finally blinking out.
This is the second part of humanism: to prevent this scenario from happening. Those who care about others without being able to fully justify this, except that they know that it will improve the lives of others. Those who run homeless shelters. Those who labour to right injustice done to individuals or groups. Those who save that kitten found dying in a rainy park. Those are humanists in at least part of their being.
People who care, who fight to right things. People who want that their choices are beneficial to all where possible. It's a choice to do so, every few milliseconds again. It's easier to be selfish. Less trouble. Less responsibility. Yet being a human being should come with the responsibility to be a humanist; to make the right choices for all.
Let everyone of us be the brightest speck of light in the universe :)
Maya
Monday, 1 April 2013
Wishing I Could Just Be Human
It's quite a cliche of stories: a character whose main desire is to simply be human, but failing at reaching that goal due to that character's appearance, psychological/traumatic issues. Being physically different imposes a heavy tax on the character and its environment, even if said character is gentle and caring. Assumptions are easily made and reinforced, while observations get twisted.
Worse is a deep-seated trauma in a person's mind. Whether due to abuse, childhood neglect, conflict or a combination of these, it leaves thorny black roots deep inside that person's mind, slowly suffocating it with its putrid growths. The mood-swings, episodes of negative and fatalistic thoughts and outbursts of rage they cause will lead to that person's environment to avoid him or her. The label of 'crazy' is all too easily applied, and the character banished from society.
Today I had to experience yet again those growths injecting their venom into my mind, as the traumas I discussed before regarding relationships and sexuality got triggered very strongly. It's only now as I am typing this that I can feel its effect slowly vanishing from my mind until the next time.
All I want to be is a normal person with a body that is seen as 'normal' and not as a medical marvel. To feel like my giftedness has a place. To be a person whose body isn't the center of world-wide controversy. To see sexuality as a normal thing. To see a couple, especially a heterosexual one, as something normal and healthy instead of as an outrage triggering every dark thought my mind can come up with.
Yet none of this seems to be possible. The coming years I will have to keep fighting to establish that someone with an intersexed body like mine isn't an affront to society and everything that is holy. There's no guarantee that I'll ever feel that a body like mine is anything but something to be looked and poked at by the curious. I somewhat enjoy it when I interact with people who do not know about my story and just see me as a regular woman, even if I know that this is a fleeting thing.
I also feel tortured by the knowledge that I'm mostly woman physically, that I walk around with a more or less functional vagina, but that it is also closed off and that no physician is going to bother to help me with it. No one. Ever. In my nightmares I can see the leering faces of all those surgeons and physicians who have rejected, denied and ridiculed me. I feel humiliated. Violated. Yet I can only howl in sheer frustration. Another part of my humanity denied. More feelings killed off in self-protection.
After my first and possibly last relationship which was both traumatic and ended disastrously, I think I can finally get into many of the songs and stories written about bad break-ups. I also think that I agree that it will take a very long time to get over it. Combined with my other issues I feel safe to think that I might as well give up on the thought of finding that 'one person'. Just not going to happen.
Not having feelings and emotions would be nice at these times. Yet I feel torn in the knowledge that returning to the emotionless state I was in eight years ago would make me less human again, while trying to deal with these emotions and feelings I am going through on days like these can easily kill me.
Feeling this... thing inside my head, gnawing its way around, making me think things I do not want to think and feel things I do not wish to feel, it's almost enough to try and kill it, even if it would mean my own demise. I do want to live, but I do not want to feel this kind of trauma. I want to be human, but I do not want to feel this kind of trauma.
I wish I could just be human.
Maya
Worse is a deep-seated trauma in a person's mind. Whether due to abuse, childhood neglect, conflict or a combination of these, it leaves thorny black roots deep inside that person's mind, slowly suffocating it with its putrid growths. The mood-swings, episodes of negative and fatalistic thoughts and outbursts of rage they cause will lead to that person's environment to avoid him or her. The label of 'crazy' is all too easily applied, and the character banished from society.
Today I had to experience yet again those growths injecting their venom into my mind, as the traumas I discussed before regarding relationships and sexuality got triggered very strongly. It's only now as I am typing this that I can feel its effect slowly vanishing from my mind until the next time.
All I want to be is a normal person with a body that is seen as 'normal' and not as a medical marvel. To feel like my giftedness has a place. To be a person whose body isn't the center of world-wide controversy. To see sexuality as a normal thing. To see a couple, especially a heterosexual one, as something normal and healthy instead of as an outrage triggering every dark thought my mind can come up with.
Yet none of this seems to be possible. The coming years I will have to keep fighting to establish that someone with an intersexed body like mine isn't an affront to society and everything that is holy. There's no guarantee that I'll ever feel that a body like mine is anything but something to be looked and poked at by the curious. I somewhat enjoy it when I interact with people who do not know about my story and just see me as a regular woman, even if I know that this is a fleeting thing.
I also feel tortured by the knowledge that I'm mostly woman physically, that I walk around with a more or less functional vagina, but that it is also closed off and that no physician is going to bother to help me with it. No one. Ever. In my nightmares I can see the leering faces of all those surgeons and physicians who have rejected, denied and ridiculed me. I feel humiliated. Violated. Yet I can only howl in sheer frustration. Another part of my humanity denied. More feelings killed off in self-protection.
After my first and possibly last relationship which was both traumatic and ended disastrously, I think I can finally get into many of the songs and stories written about bad break-ups. I also think that I agree that it will take a very long time to get over it. Combined with my other issues I feel safe to think that I might as well give up on the thought of finding that 'one person'. Just not going to happen.
Not having feelings and emotions would be nice at these times. Yet I feel torn in the knowledge that returning to the emotionless state I was in eight years ago would make me less human again, while trying to deal with these emotions and feelings I am going through on days like these can easily kill me.
Feeling this... thing inside my head, gnawing its way around, making me think things I do not want to think and feel things I do not wish to feel, it's almost enough to try and kill it, even if it would mean my own demise. I do want to live, but I do not want to feel this kind of trauma. I want to be human, but I do not want to feel this kind of trauma.
I wish I could just be human.
Maya
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)