First a quick update on the shooting for that BNN TV documentary show. My contact person dropped by today to have a face-to-face meeting prior to the actual shooting. It was pretty fun. At least for next Monday things have been settled: I'll be at the beauty salon at 8.30 AM together with the film crew where the beautician will demonstrate the torture... er, I mean electrolysis treatment she performs on me. After that the film crew and I will go back to my place where I'll have an interview. After that all of us are going to the UMCG hospital by car.
The only thing which can't be planned is what exactly will happen during this hospital appointment. I don't even know which examinations/tests will be performed and whether I'll know the results right away or not. At any rate the goal of this documentary about my life is to give an idea of what I go through as an intersexual woman. It should work out fine. I do hope that Pieter will agree to do an interview as well. So far he seems very reluctant to appear on TV, but I hope he'll agree to anyway since he's one of the best people to clearly and concisely explain the issues in a fairly objective manner. Of course, can't force anyone :)
I'm glad to have this TV shooting thing going on, as it provides excellent distraction, plus the added feeling that I'm not alone in this, that what I do that Monday will matter and that I won't have to face an uncaring world yet again after yet another failed appointment. That alone is something to cling to.
Still left after this shooting on Monday is a session at the swimming pool, to be shot on the 17th next month or so if everything works out. They still need to get all the permissions and such, which isn't the most easy of things depending on the organization. The exact logistics of this shooting are still left to be decided.
I really do hope that this examination on Monday will finally provide the explanations I have been seeking for nearly six years now, and put an end to this medical circus of utter lunacy, in which the wishes and opinions of the patient are of negative relevance and a liability, and only the opinion of the specialist or psychologist counts, no matter how wrong. Maybe then a touch of sanity will return to my life.
Yet whatever happens that day, I should not forget that which I already have. I may not know everything about my body yet, but what I do know for a fact so far is pretty nice. I got an athletic figure most women are jealous of, looks which make many a head turn, and a pretty impressive brain to fill up the space inside that pretty head.
There's also my company and our first game which is looking better and better. I'm actually getting the hang of this UVW unwrap and colouring process using 3DS Max and Photoshop CS5, meaning that I should be able to finish the avatars for the game some time this week. I also started on the AI module, which really isn't nearly as complex or scary as it sounds. The most tricky part is to balance the difficulty settings within the AI.
While I often feel myself struggling to find some meaning in my continued existence, it are those things which do provide me with a sense that not everything is lost yet at this point. I just need someone near me at times, to embrace me and keep telling me these things over and over, whenever oblivion does seem like the only reasonable way out of this madness.
Maya
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Monday, 27 September 2010
This Ugly, Beautiful World
Among the many abstract, virtually meaningless words people like to throw around without any real consideration as to what they're saying, we find words such as 'love', but also 'beauty'. What is beauty, really? When we say that something or someone is 'beautiful', what is it that we are saying? Can we really say that something makes 'something' beautiful, or should we say that particular processes, accumulations of previous input into our squishy brains causes us to express a particular preference for certain types of input, be it visual, auditory or a mixture? Since nature couldn't care less about 'beauty', my vote is definitely on the latter.
This all means that to consider something beautiful one has to link positive impressions to certain combinations or expressions of shapes, colours, sounds and such. Something is considered to be 'ugly' when it has virtually only negative impressions linked with it. In other words, it's totally, absolutely relative and will differ per culture and individual. Yet, it is important.
When I first started to withdraw into myself when I was about five years old, it largely disabled my emotional side, preventing it from developing itself and causing the parts which had developed to more or less wither away. This gave me a chance to experience the world during the following fifteen years without any interference from my emotional side, which essentially is what gives us our sense of 'beauty'.
All I saw back then was what could be improved, where things were adequate or lacking, what made sense in a logical way or what didn't. I didn't 'enjoy' anything, as I could only classify things into more and less perfect representations of something, including people. I saw the world without this filter people have of 'beauty' and 'ugliness'. I'm not sure I liked it.
Then, only about six years ago I got out of this withdrawal, began to develop my emotional side, noticed that I could actually enjoy simple things like sitting in the garden with the birds singing their songs around me with the smells of summer clearly present. That's also when a lot of negative experiences began to happen.
You say 'love', I think 'suffering'. You say 'beautiful' and I think 'sadness' and 'death'. Through my experiences I have learned to always expect things to end up hurting physically, emotionally or both. The only place in this world I think is still beautiful is this place of innocence deep inside our minds, the place where we concern ourselves with learning about the secrets of the universe, and where we can enjoy small things such as a cup of tea on a summer's day, or just admire the innocence others have put into for example a Hello Kitty plushie. There's just such a lack of bias, of pain, of human corruption in these things that it's so very sad that we can not experience it more often.
Yesterday I thought that the world had turned really ugly all of a sudden. Having one's experiences that day feeling discordant and somehow wrong. Feeling unwelcome and out of place. Longing for people to recognize and acknowledge one's accomplishments, yet not finding it. Everything felt grey, cold and unforgiving.
Cycling home after my time at the pool, I couldn't stop thinking about how cold and ugly the world around me was. Everything about it felt wrong. Arriving home and getting off my bike I could barely stand on my legs from the mental assault. I spent most of the afternoon recuperating in bed; sleeping, reading, crying, contemplating suicide. All because the ugly in this world sometimes really overwhelms the beautiful part.
I'd like to see this beautiful side of the world some day.
Maya
This all means that to consider something beautiful one has to link positive impressions to certain combinations or expressions of shapes, colours, sounds and such. Something is considered to be 'ugly' when it has virtually only negative impressions linked with it. In other words, it's totally, absolutely relative and will differ per culture and individual. Yet, it is important.
When I first started to withdraw into myself when I was about five years old, it largely disabled my emotional side, preventing it from developing itself and causing the parts which had developed to more or less wither away. This gave me a chance to experience the world during the following fifteen years without any interference from my emotional side, which essentially is what gives us our sense of 'beauty'.
All I saw back then was what could be improved, where things were adequate or lacking, what made sense in a logical way or what didn't. I didn't 'enjoy' anything, as I could only classify things into more and less perfect representations of something, including people. I saw the world without this filter people have of 'beauty' and 'ugliness'. I'm not sure I liked it.
Then, only about six years ago I got out of this withdrawal, began to develop my emotional side, noticed that I could actually enjoy simple things like sitting in the garden with the birds singing their songs around me with the smells of summer clearly present. That's also when a lot of negative experiences began to happen.
You say 'love', I think 'suffering'. You say 'beautiful' and I think 'sadness' and 'death'. Through my experiences I have learned to always expect things to end up hurting physically, emotionally or both. The only place in this world I think is still beautiful is this place of innocence deep inside our minds, the place where we concern ourselves with learning about the secrets of the universe, and where we can enjoy small things such as a cup of tea on a summer's day, or just admire the innocence others have put into for example a Hello Kitty plushie. There's just such a lack of bias, of pain, of human corruption in these things that it's so very sad that we can not experience it more often.
Yesterday I thought that the world had turned really ugly all of a sudden. Having one's experiences that day feeling discordant and somehow wrong. Feeling unwelcome and out of place. Longing for people to recognize and acknowledge one's accomplishments, yet not finding it. Everything felt grey, cold and unforgiving.
Cycling home after my time at the pool, I couldn't stop thinking about how cold and ugly the world around me was. Everything about it felt wrong. Arriving home and getting off my bike I could barely stand on my legs from the mental assault. I spent most of the afternoon recuperating in bed; sleeping, reading, crying, contemplating suicide. All because the ugly in this world sometimes really overwhelms the beautiful part.
I'd like to see this beautiful side of the world some day.
Maya
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
Learning To Live With The Dark Places Of The Mind
The human mind is the product of countless years of evolution, having had to serve different purposes in different circumstances, ranging from an animalistic, survival of the fittest situation to the current situation where basically everything goes, and yet where few are able to contain their darker sides. These sides being the animalistic urges, things which do not really belong in a civilization, including violent and possessive urges, but also those which cause the other issues surrounding sexuality. As stated by one theory, we're merely slaves to our own genes; puppets on strings, driven towards goals of which we can not rationally comprehend of why they'd be of any use to us.
I too feel violent urges sometimes, this sudden desire to strike out and cause harm. Yet I have learned to recognize that to act upon this impulse would only worsen the situation. They're not part of a rational reasoning, and thus shouldn't be acted upon. I too feel possessive urges sometimes, but realize that they too aren't part of any sort of reasoning. Why would I really need to possess this item, or that amount of money? Why do I feel jealous about it? Only through reason can one understand things, to act without reason is to act upon impulse, on instinct. Not unlike an animal.
Even more mystifying is this whole issue surrounding sexuality. In short it's something beyond insanity. Individuals doing anything, even hurting others in a physical or emotional manner to gain exclusive access to a mate. It's pretty sick stuff. Yet does it make them happy? I don't mean whether it satisfies them for a moment in a physical sense. Does it really cause a sense of fulfillment?
Beyond sexuality people seek companionship, which often takes the form of this mate. Yet why this insane desire to bind oneself so closely to one other person? Why does one feel so incredibly lonely without such a bond? What is the reason behind it? Why isn't having good friends enough? It doesn't really make sense.
Based upon personal experiences and observations, I have come to conclude that sexuality really is one of the most terrible things ever to befall humanity. Its only products are pain and suffering, for in no circumstance can it make people happy. All it causes is strive and friction in relationships, and to those who just like to experience sexuality without any bonds, they don't realize that they're not really free. Its urges still controls them, like a puppet on strings.
Despite knowing all this and having realized what it means, I still can't suppress these urges, these desires and longings. Not fully at least. How does one live with voices which tell one to do something which one knows to be wrong? What if these voices are most convincing, and ignoring them completely causes emotional stress and discomfort? What if they abuse questions and frustrations about one's own body for their purpose?
How does one learn to live with that which tries to control and possibly ruin one's life?
Maya
I too feel violent urges sometimes, this sudden desire to strike out and cause harm. Yet I have learned to recognize that to act upon this impulse would only worsen the situation. They're not part of a rational reasoning, and thus shouldn't be acted upon. I too feel possessive urges sometimes, but realize that they too aren't part of any sort of reasoning. Why would I really need to possess this item, or that amount of money? Why do I feel jealous about it? Only through reason can one understand things, to act without reason is to act upon impulse, on instinct. Not unlike an animal.
Even more mystifying is this whole issue surrounding sexuality. In short it's something beyond insanity. Individuals doing anything, even hurting others in a physical or emotional manner to gain exclusive access to a mate. It's pretty sick stuff. Yet does it make them happy? I don't mean whether it satisfies them for a moment in a physical sense. Does it really cause a sense of fulfillment?
Beyond sexuality people seek companionship, which often takes the form of this mate. Yet why this insane desire to bind oneself so closely to one other person? Why does one feel so incredibly lonely without such a bond? What is the reason behind it? Why isn't having good friends enough? It doesn't really make sense.
Based upon personal experiences and observations, I have come to conclude that sexuality really is one of the most terrible things ever to befall humanity. Its only products are pain and suffering, for in no circumstance can it make people happy. All it causes is strive and friction in relationships, and to those who just like to experience sexuality without any bonds, they don't realize that they're not really free. Its urges still controls them, like a puppet on strings.
Despite knowing all this and having realized what it means, I still can't suppress these urges, these desires and longings. Not fully at least. How does one live with voices which tell one to do something which one knows to be wrong? What if these voices are most convincing, and ignoring them completely causes emotional stress and discomfort? What if they abuse questions and frustrations about one's own body for their purpose?
How does one learn to live with that which tries to control and possibly ruin one's life?
Maya
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Don't Think About The Past Too Much
I have this suspicion that recently I have begun to suffer from an emotional breakdown due to social interaction. Symptoms include feelings ranging from disgust to complete lack of interest when confronted with the idea of socializing, accompanied by paranoia, being overly worried about irrelevant matters and a severe and continuous headache. Earlier today I had an especially bad episode, during which I felt so disgusted with other people that I really had to reset by taking a nap. It's also why I have to work after dinner to catch up on lost time.
I have to finish this TileWars game. I have to finish these projects for clients. I have to work on the other projects I have waiting for me. Everything else is secondary, especially this whole socializing stuff, which, to be brutally frank, doesn't make one lick of sense. Relationships, friendship... nothing of it makes a lot of sense, if at all. Maybe it's because of having been cut off emotionally and socially for nearly two decades, but I'm having a lot of doubts about whether there's any point to pursuing such abstract concepts, instead of relying on solid logic.
Another thing which keeps bothering me, but particularly as of late, is thoughts of my past, which is basically everything from the moment I was born until yesterday. Little there makes sense either or is very cheerful. I feel quite disgusted with my past, and find it to be generally depressing to think about. The best way I have found to deal with it is to block out any such recollections. To me there really is no past or future, at least none I would like to think about. Only by staying firmly in the present can I hang on to my sanity for just a bit longer.
Does that sound depressing, not to mention very negative? Well, that's my mood at this point. Can't do much about it. I have never felt as emotionally exhausted as I have for the past weeks and I don't see it improving any time soon. I need a break, some rest, someone cutting me some slack, but there seems to be a snowball's chance in Hell of this happening.
On top of that comes the BNN TV channel discussing dates for when they want to shoot which parts of the documentary, which is quite frustrating as well. I just want it, the UMCG hospital appointment, the TileWars release and everything else be over with. Maybe then I can find a bit of rest. Depending on the hospital appointment maybe forever, though.
Depressing...
Maya
I have to finish this TileWars game. I have to finish these projects for clients. I have to work on the other projects I have waiting for me. Everything else is secondary, especially this whole socializing stuff, which, to be brutally frank, doesn't make one lick of sense. Relationships, friendship... nothing of it makes a lot of sense, if at all. Maybe it's because of having been cut off emotionally and socially for nearly two decades, but I'm having a lot of doubts about whether there's any point to pursuing such abstract concepts, instead of relying on solid logic.
Another thing which keeps bothering me, but particularly as of late, is thoughts of my past, which is basically everything from the moment I was born until yesterday. Little there makes sense either or is very cheerful. I feel quite disgusted with my past, and find it to be generally depressing to think about. The best way I have found to deal with it is to block out any such recollections. To me there really is no past or future, at least none I would like to think about. Only by staying firmly in the present can I hang on to my sanity for just a bit longer.
Does that sound depressing, not to mention very negative? Well, that's my mood at this point. Can't do much about it. I have never felt as emotionally exhausted as I have for the past weeks and I don't see it improving any time soon. I need a break, some rest, someone cutting me some slack, but there seems to be a snowball's chance in Hell of this happening.
On top of that comes the BNN TV channel discussing dates for when they want to shoot which parts of the documentary, which is quite frustrating as well. I just want it, the UMCG hospital appointment, the TileWars release and everything else be over with. Maybe then I can find a bit of rest. Depending on the hospital appointment maybe forever, though.
Depressing...
Maya
Sunday, 19 September 2010
Don't Think About The Future Too Much
I just woke up from another nightmare. It featured a Resident Evil-esque scenario; I was part of this small assault team of about 4-5 people. Some things had happened already and we were being sent down into a situation to rescue what felt like one of our people or something similar. We were wearing those full SWAT-like outfits, with gas mask and everything so I was seeing everything through the eyeholes of it.
Our squad leader signaled us to depart. We walked down a flight of concrete stairs of what seemed like an emergency escape inside a building. We end up in this expansive hall lit by sunlight from the right side, the rest was stone and decorated in a fancy, modern way. Also to my right the hall went around a corner where it continued its course. There were a few people walking around, going on their business.
The squad leader was talking at a hallway desk with this older woman who stood at the same side from the desk as him. I didn't see anyone behind the desk. She was talking about her son, saying that his condition got worse, even after she gave him his medication and that he developed two new ones. I didn't know what she meant. That is, until she began to change. Her skin turned ashen and she got the look of a corpse having lied in a coffin down in the ground for a few months. I noticed that the other people in the building underwent the same transformation.
The way the woman talked, I felt like this was their true look and that they had just fooled us with an illusion. A howl emanated from within the building, and was taken up by the creatures near us. The woman's corpse moved towards us now, and her movement was quickly copied by the mob of the creatures. I just had these two handguns, but I started using them anyway, even if I couldn't hold back an entire crowd of these things. I shot at the woman's corpse but it didn't really seem to harm her. My last thoughts were a jumble.
Waking up caught up in this pervasive grip of utter fear is getting old. I'm still recovering from this nightmare. I'm not trembling or such, just feeling like I woke up from a really deep dream and can't really unify it with what I am seeing around me at the moment yet. For all I know it wasn't a dream and in a moment the door of my room will open and these... zombies, I guess will come pouring in, emitting that god-awful, soul-piercing howl.
Anyway... what I really wanted to write about today was another fear, that of thinking about the future. I really do not know a darnest thing about my future, most of it is obscured by this big event next month at the hospital and whatever comes after it. There's also the uncertainty about how well TileWars will sell. I think I'll go run through some additional 3D Studio Max tutorials after dinner to help with the last point and to bring some sanity back into my life after that freakish nightmare.
A fun thing which happened at the pool was that this Chinese woman I have been chatting with for over a year now was talking about how tricky it was to pronounce Dutch and English, two languages she's learning, so I offered to help her with that. In exchange she would help me learn Mandarin. She happily agreed to this and another woman, a friend of hers will be present at least next time as well so that I can help her with her Dutch pronounciation. She's also really good with Mandarin as it's her original language, so that's a great help.
I really think I should find someone to practice my Japanese with as well, or just bite the bullet and work through some mind-numbingly boring exercises to finally learn enough Kanji to make myself understandable to other Japanese-speaking people and the other way around. 250 Kanji just ain't cutting it :)
Maya
Our squad leader signaled us to depart. We walked down a flight of concrete stairs of what seemed like an emergency escape inside a building. We end up in this expansive hall lit by sunlight from the right side, the rest was stone and decorated in a fancy, modern way. Also to my right the hall went around a corner where it continued its course. There were a few people walking around, going on their business.
The squad leader was talking at a hallway desk with this older woman who stood at the same side from the desk as him. I didn't see anyone behind the desk. She was talking about her son, saying that his condition got worse, even after she gave him his medication and that he developed two new ones. I didn't know what she meant. That is, until she began to change. Her skin turned ashen and she got the look of a corpse having lied in a coffin down in the ground for a few months. I noticed that the other people in the building underwent the same transformation.
The way the woman talked, I felt like this was their true look and that they had just fooled us with an illusion. A howl emanated from within the building, and was taken up by the creatures near us. The woman's corpse moved towards us now, and her movement was quickly copied by the mob of the creatures. I just had these two handguns, but I started using them anyway, even if I couldn't hold back an entire crowd of these things. I shot at the woman's corpse but it didn't really seem to harm her. My last thoughts were a jumble.
Waking up caught up in this pervasive grip of utter fear is getting old. I'm still recovering from this nightmare. I'm not trembling or such, just feeling like I woke up from a really deep dream and can't really unify it with what I am seeing around me at the moment yet. For all I know it wasn't a dream and in a moment the door of my room will open and these... zombies, I guess will come pouring in, emitting that god-awful, soul-piercing howl.
Anyway... what I really wanted to write about today was another fear, that of thinking about the future. I really do not know a darnest thing about my future, most of it is obscured by this big event next month at the hospital and whatever comes after it. There's also the uncertainty about how well TileWars will sell. I think I'll go run through some additional 3D Studio Max tutorials after dinner to help with the last point and to bring some sanity back into my life after that freakish nightmare.
A fun thing which happened at the pool was that this Chinese woman I have been chatting with for over a year now was talking about how tricky it was to pronounce Dutch and English, two languages she's learning, so I offered to help her with that. In exchange she would help me learn Mandarin. She happily agreed to this and another woman, a friend of hers will be present at least next time as well so that I can help her with her Dutch pronounciation. She's also really good with Mandarin as it's her original language, so that's a great help.
I really think I should find someone to practice my Japanese with as well, or just bite the bullet and work through some mind-numbingly boring exercises to finally learn enough Kanji to make myself understandable to other Japanese-speaking people and the other way around. 250 Kanji just ain't cutting it :)
Maya
Saturday, 18 September 2010
Narrowly Escaping A Self-Induced Fate
I must say that a sleeping pill does do wonders when one of the things troubling one is a lack of proper sleep. I felt a lot better when I woke up this morning, and even the pain from this supposed kidney stone wasn't too bad. It wasn't until a few hours ago that it started bothering me again, making me wonder whether I'll actually be able to sleep tonight thanks to the pain. Maybe it's time for a prescription painkiller Pieter has for his back. It's pretty strong stuff :)
Yesterday I got the confirmation of my first name change having been fully entered into the system by email and later today again by snail mail. I had made an appointment for today to get a new driver's license, with Pieter tagging along for emotional support. After getting some new pictures taken for the driver's license we went to the appointment. That's where the trouble started.
A while ago I had resorted to scratching away the name and gender on any form of ID I own, including my ID card, driver's license and passport, resulting in the not so pleasant situation today that they were considered to be invalid due to tampering. Officially that is. Officially I also would have had to get a new ID card first before I could get a new driver's license, meaning that I'd have to get two ID cards in about six months time, as I reckon I'll get the official gender change confirmed in about 4 months time as well.
Fortunately the girl helping me talked to her supervisor a few times and managed to get an exception for me. I'll be able to pick up my new driver's license on Friday. At least I'll have a valid method of identifying myself by then. Also interesting was this girl mentioning that she studies medicine and that she thought my situation was intriguing. I left her the address to my site. If you're reading this: hi :D
How does it feel to be rid of this old name of mine and to have Maya be my real, official name? The best thing I guess is that when some institute allows me to be registered as 'Maya' it's no longer something they do out of a kind of pity for my situation. It definitely makes things seem a heck of a lot more normal. It's just that name and nothing else. It's so... normal. And I like it.
The one thing which annoys the heck out of me at the moment is to still have the 'Sir' part in front of my name, as it still doesn't stroke one bit with how I and others perceive me. It's just wrong, and I hope this gets corrected soon so that there will be one less thing for me to worry about.
So, tomorrow it's time to go swimming again. I just hope that this bloody kidney stone won't bother me too much. I would like to get in a kilometer worth of laps again, which is hard to do when it feels like someone is kicking you in the kidneys. Getting a good night's sleep would contribute greatly to a successful day tomorrow as well.
Beyond that I hope that I can do some work on TileWars tomorrow and next week. It's time to wrap this puppy up :)
Maya
Yesterday I got the confirmation of my first name change having been fully entered into the system by email and later today again by snail mail. I had made an appointment for today to get a new driver's license, with Pieter tagging along for emotional support. After getting some new pictures taken for the driver's license we went to the appointment. That's where the trouble started.
A while ago I had resorted to scratching away the name and gender on any form of ID I own, including my ID card, driver's license and passport, resulting in the not so pleasant situation today that they were considered to be invalid due to tampering. Officially that is. Officially I also would have had to get a new ID card first before I could get a new driver's license, meaning that I'd have to get two ID cards in about six months time, as I reckon I'll get the official gender change confirmed in about 4 months time as well.
Fortunately the girl helping me talked to her supervisor a few times and managed to get an exception for me. I'll be able to pick up my new driver's license on Friday. At least I'll have a valid method of identifying myself by then. Also interesting was this girl mentioning that she studies medicine and that she thought my situation was intriguing. I left her the address to my site. If you're reading this: hi :D
How does it feel to be rid of this old name of mine and to have Maya be my real, official name? The best thing I guess is that when some institute allows me to be registered as 'Maya' it's no longer something they do out of a kind of pity for my situation. It definitely makes things seem a heck of a lot more normal. It's just that name and nothing else. It's so... normal. And I like it.
The one thing which annoys the heck out of me at the moment is to still have the 'Sir' part in front of my name, as it still doesn't stroke one bit with how I and others perceive me. It's just wrong, and I hope this gets corrected soon so that there will be one less thing for me to worry about.
So, tomorrow it's time to go swimming again. I just hope that this bloody kidney stone won't bother me too much. I would like to get in a kilometer worth of laps again, which is hard to do when it feels like someone is kicking you in the kidneys. Getting a good night's sleep would contribute greatly to a successful day tomorrow as well.
Beyond that I hope that I can do some work on TileWars tomorrow and next week. It's time to wrap this puppy up :)
Maya
Friday, 17 September 2010
Toughing It Out
According to Pieter his behaviour yesterday was just part of a plan to make me more independent when it comes to those paralyzation/withdrawal episodes. He recognizes that they can be really dangerous, especially when I'll be living on my own in a few months time or so as there will be no one around to help me snap out of them. I'll leave whether it is the right approach up for debate.
Last night was another terrible night. Throughout it I have had one nightmare after the other, with a text message from a friend waking me up from the first one at around 0.47 AM. I was glad it woke me up, as the nightmare had left me drenched in sweat, with my heart pounding wildly and the sensation of something out there getting ready to pounce me not subsiding much even after waking up.
After that I fell asleep again only to wake up again from another disturbing dream. By the time I decided it was time to get out of bed it was past 7 AM and I crawled out of bed more than I gracefully got out. I literally couldn't walk properly, so I shuffled around. After a while I started to feel better, if still sleep-deprived.
By the end of the morning Pieter had just left for a wedding and I was chatting with my mom on the phone when I suddenly got this terrible pain in my left side. After a few moments of it only getting worse I told my mom that I was going to disconnect, which I did. Then I lied down on my bed until the pain began to subside somewhat. It was located in the lower part of my back, on the left side. Based on the type of pain and other symptoms I figured it was a kidney stone stuck in the left kidney. After drinking a lot of water the pain nearly went away, but I'll have to keep an eye on it.
A kidney stone may also explain the extreme nausea I felt before, as pressure on the intestines from a kidney stone may trigger the nausea/vomit response which is an embryological left-over, according to online references.
At any rate it really doesn't improve my situation. At the moment I feel so incredibly tired and I'm delighted that I have the option of taking a sleeping pill tonight as I'm not sure I'd last another night without getting some real sleep. Today I only did a tiny bit of work, due to the issues mentioned, but also because I feel so tired and scatterbrained. I'd like to sleep, nap or otherwise get some real rest, but rarely is my sleep that peaceful as of late.
I could put a wild-eyed, outrageous emotional outburst here, but to be quite frank I don't have the energy for it. It feels similar to when I had been awake for nearly 40 hours a few years ago while traveling to and from Canada with all the delays, lay-overs, uncomfortable airplane seats and such, with me about to topple over from exhaustion and feeling ill.
I just can't find any rest anywhere.
Maya
Last night was another terrible night. Throughout it I have had one nightmare after the other, with a text message from a friend waking me up from the first one at around 0.47 AM. I was glad it woke me up, as the nightmare had left me drenched in sweat, with my heart pounding wildly and the sensation of something out there getting ready to pounce me not subsiding much even after waking up.
After that I fell asleep again only to wake up again from another disturbing dream. By the time I decided it was time to get out of bed it was past 7 AM and I crawled out of bed more than I gracefully got out. I literally couldn't walk properly, so I shuffled around. After a while I started to feel better, if still sleep-deprived.
By the end of the morning Pieter had just left for a wedding and I was chatting with my mom on the phone when I suddenly got this terrible pain in my left side. After a few moments of it only getting worse I told my mom that I was going to disconnect, which I did. Then I lied down on my bed until the pain began to subside somewhat. It was located in the lower part of my back, on the left side. Based on the type of pain and other symptoms I figured it was a kidney stone stuck in the left kidney. After drinking a lot of water the pain nearly went away, but I'll have to keep an eye on it.
A kidney stone may also explain the extreme nausea I felt before, as pressure on the intestines from a kidney stone may trigger the nausea/vomit response which is an embryological left-over, according to online references.
At any rate it really doesn't improve my situation. At the moment I feel so incredibly tired and I'm delighted that I have the option of taking a sleeping pill tonight as I'm not sure I'd last another night without getting some real sleep. Today I only did a tiny bit of work, due to the issues mentioned, but also because I feel so tired and scatterbrained. I'd like to sleep, nap or otherwise get some real rest, but rarely is my sleep that peaceful as of late.
I could put a wild-eyed, outrageous emotional outburst here, but to be quite frank I don't have the energy for it. It feels similar to when I had been awake for nearly 40 hours a few years ago while traveling to and from Canada with all the delays, lay-overs, uncomfortable airplane seats and such, with me about to topple over from exhaustion and feeling ill.
I just can't find any rest anywhere.
Maya
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