Today I received another letter from SKGZ. As with every time since the hearing a while ago, I fear that it's the letter spelling out their conclusion. At stake is thousands of Euros for me which I have spent already over the past years, as well as the basic human rights of intersex individuals. Right now intersex individuals do not exist in medical insurance coverage. When it comes to hair-removal due to hormonal imbalances, or specific types of therapies and surgeries, regular males and females as well as transgender individuals are covered. Yet intersex individuals do not exist in these regulations.
The Dutch government determines what is and isn't covered in the base insurance which all health insurance companies have to provide, and yet they failed to cover a condition which has been known for decades, as evidenced by the 1980s Dutch law I used earlier this year to have my official gender changed, which specifically is aimed at intersex individuals. And thus uncaring insurance companies like Unive feel justified in discriminating against a group which isn't even acknowledged by their own government, aside from a few artifacts.
Today's letter from SKGZ, which has the power to change health insurance coverage, wasn't anything conclusive, thankfully, though it did contain a response from Unive on the additional medical evidence I had sent to SKGZ after the hearing to fortify my claim that I am in fact intersex. SKGZ has fortunately already recognized that there is a gap in the regulations where intersex individuals should have been covered. Now they just need to acknowledge that I am indeed intersex. Why I think that this might be an issue is because in the Netherlands no one has ever acknowledged me as being intersex outside the Alkmaar court and this one physician at the ZGT Almelo. This is probably exactly why Unive is persisting in their current course.
The response from Unive was essentially that they had sent the MRI scans, German medical reports, the ZGT Almelo physician's statement, etc. to their medical advisers, who supposedly then told Unive that they saw no reason to change from their earlier position, that my situation doesn't necessitate them to fully cover the therapies I am forced to undergo as a result of my intersex condition, and that there's no reason for them to clarify their position in any way or fashion.
This arrogant stance can in my view only be due to a smug sense at Unive's side that SKGZ will also deny that I'm intersex and thus deny my claim against Unive. This is a worry I also expressed to SKGZ during the hearing, as I mentioned in an earlier post. Of course, if SKGZ does this, they'd go in against the findings of three German clinics and the judgement of the Dutch legal system, as all of these have found me to be intersex.
I really hope that this will all be over soon and that SKGZ will decide in my favour. It'd really make my life a lot easier knowing that there's still the possibility of justice in the Netherlands despite everything.
Maya
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Saturday, 24 November 2012
Finding A Surgeon, Help With It And Media Attention
A few weeks ago there was the possibility that I'd be appearing on the KRO-NRCV discussion show 'Debat op 2' ('Debate on 2'), regarding the SCP report on the treatment of transgenders in the Netherlands. This at the recommendation of a Dutch transgender woman I have communicated with before. After discussing my topic with the editor of the show and waiting for him to get back to me the next day, I learned that I would not be on the show, but that the NCRV has interest in making a documentary about my story. The editor expressed a distinct interest in coupling this with the surgery I still need, specifically the surgery whereby my existing vagina will be attached to the perineum and labia created. This surgery is impossible in the Netherlands due to the refusal of Dutch surgeons to a) acknowledge that I'm intersex, b) that it would even be possible and c) because they only do male to female and female to male surgeries here.
For this reason I have to find a surgeon elsewhere in the world, in Europe or outside it. I started researching this one hospital near Berlin someone had mentioned a while ago, but I couldn't remember the name and a Google search wasn't fruitful either. Worse, the resulting search results related to mostly intersex issues and troubles brought back a lot of unpleasant memories for me. Feeling sickened but still determined to find a surgeon to get this last surgery out of the way, I asked for help on Google+ [1] and Facebook [2]. The responses I got are pretty encouraging.
The most interesting of the responses involves one Marci Bowers [3], a famous US surgeon who performs free surgeries for genitally mutilated women. I'm not sure whether she'd be interested in my case, but it's worth a try. Another response I got involves two German clinics who perform vagina reconstructions. I have contacted these clinics as well. I'm most interested in learning what they think of my case.
I also hope that I'll be able to arrange this surgery soon due to the media attention there is now. There's this documentary by the NCRV, and also the attention from Pride Photo Award, who have contacted the photographer - Eric Brinkhorst - who is working with me and my girlfriend to produce the series, to express their interest. The surgery would be an excellent focus point. This should be an awesome way to start the new year, is my thinking.
Here's paws crossed to a successful few months :)
Maya
[1] https://plus.google.com/114822401067576646327/posts/FqJEfPVqCV3
[2] https://www.facebook.com/mayaposch/posts/534357153242737
[3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marci_Bowers
For this reason I have to find a surgeon elsewhere in the world, in Europe or outside it. I started researching this one hospital near Berlin someone had mentioned a while ago, but I couldn't remember the name and a Google search wasn't fruitful either. Worse, the resulting search results related to mostly intersex issues and troubles brought back a lot of unpleasant memories for me. Feeling sickened but still determined to find a surgeon to get this last surgery out of the way, I asked for help on Google+ [1] and Facebook [2]. The responses I got are pretty encouraging.
The most interesting of the responses involves one Marci Bowers [3], a famous US surgeon who performs free surgeries for genitally mutilated women. I'm not sure whether she'd be interested in my case, but it's worth a try. Another response I got involves two German clinics who perform vagina reconstructions. I have contacted these clinics as well. I'm most interested in learning what they think of my case.
I also hope that I'll be able to arrange this surgery soon due to the media attention there is now. There's this documentary by the NCRV, and also the attention from Pride Photo Award, who have contacted the photographer - Eric Brinkhorst - who is working with me and my girlfriend to produce the series, to express their interest. The surgery would be an excellent focus point. This should be an awesome way to start the new year, is my thinking.
Here's paws crossed to a successful few months :)
Maya
[1] https://plus.google.com/114822401067576646327/posts/FqJEfPVqCV3
[2] https://www.facebook.com/mayaposch/posts/534357153242737
[3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marci_Bowers
Friday, 2 November 2012
Hearing Against Unive: Aftermath
Last Wednesday I had the hearing against Unive which I discussed previously. To summarize: my insurance company (Unive) refuses to fully cover the electrolysis therapy I require to remove the facial hair I suffer from as a result of my intersex condition messing up my testosterone balance. Their excuse is that my situation isn't covered by the existing policy conditions for regular women or transsexuals and thus it's not comparable.
The hearing at the SKGZ office in Zeist, Netherlands, took only about half an hour. The representative from Unive was called in by phone. I won't go into the details of the entire hearing as it was mostly a summing up of the current facts, and Unive insisting that there was no evidence of me even being intersex, including that according to Unive's medical advisers the merging of two embryos resulting into an intersex person is impossible. The lawyer representing SKGZ then suggested to Unive that maybe there is a hole in the regulations where there should be something about intersex individuals in addition to women and transsexuals. Unive grudgingly admitted to this. At this point it felt like things were heading in the right direction for me.
Then it was determined that although SKGZ had the ruling by the court in Alkmaar that I could change my legal gender due to being intersex, the only medical reports SKGZ had were the letters by the surgeon in Germany, which were deemed insufficient as more details would be required. I told SKGZ that I would send them the MRI and other reports, as well as copies of the MRI scans themselves the same day. I did also inform SKGZ that Unive had so far refused any cooperation when it came to genetic research for me outside the Netherlands, and also of the legal case I have running against the VUmc gender team due to them and other Dutch hospitals falsely declaring that I am not intersex. I expressed my worry that a similar thing would happen at the SKGZ. I got ensured that this would not happen. After this the hearing soon ended.
Once home I submitted the requested data to SKGZ. I am currently awaiting further details on what they decide. I expect that they will conclude just like the Alkmaar court that I am in fact intersex and that there's no existing clause in the insurance policy covering people like me, and thus a new one will have to be added for people like me. This should ideally give me that which I desire: recognition as intersex by my insurance company and thus intersex as a recognized condition by insurance companies in the Netherlands, plus compensation for the many thousands of Euros I had to pay myself for this electrolysis therapy which I require to deal with the strong emotional impact of being a woman in looks but with something which could grow into something resembling a beard.
In summary: there's still absolutely nothing for intersex people in the Netherlands, but if this works out the way I hope, there'll soon by another piece of the required recognition.
Maya
The hearing at the SKGZ office in Zeist, Netherlands, took only about half an hour. The representative from Unive was called in by phone. I won't go into the details of the entire hearing as it was mostly a summing up of the current facts, and Unive insisting that there was no evidence of me even being intersex, including that according to Unive's medical advisers the merging of two embryos resulting into an intersex person is impossible. The lawyer representing SKGZ then suggested to Unive that maybe there is a hole in the regulations where there should be something about intersex individuals in addition to women and transsexuals. Unive grudgingly admitted to this. At this point it felt like things were heading in the right direction for me.
Then it was determined that although SKGZ had the ruling by the court in Alkmaar that I could change my legal gender due to being intersex, the only medical reports SKGZ had were the letters by the surgeon in Germany, which were deemed insufficient as more details would be required. I told SKGZ that I would send them the MRI and other reports, as well as copies of the MRI scans themselves the same day. I did also inform SKGZ that Unive had so far refused any cooperation when it came to genetic research for me outside the Netherlands, and also of the legal case I have running against the VUmc gender team due to them and other Dutch hospitals falsely declaring that I am not intersex. I expressed my worry that a similar thing would happen at the SKGZ. I got ensured that this would not happen. After this the hearing soon ended.
Once home I submitted the requested data to SKGZ. I am currently awaiting further details on what they decide. I expect that they will conclude just like the Alkmaar court that I am in fact intersex and that there's no existing clause in the insurance policy covering people like me, and thus a new one will have to be added for people like me. This should ideally give me that which I desire: recognition as intersex by my insurance company and thus intersex as a recognized condition by insurance companies in the Netherlands, plus compensation for the many thousands of Euros I had to pay myself for this electrolysis therapy which I require to deal with the strong emotional impact of being a woman in looks but with something which could grow into something resembling a beard.
In summary: there's still absolutely nothing for intersex people in the Netherlands, but if this works out the way I hope, there'll soon by another piece of the required recognition.
Maya
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
Hearing Against Unive: Discrimination Against Intersex
Tomorrow I'll be attending the first hearing against my insurance company Unive. The SKGZ organization will be presiding over the hearing, as they prepare to lay down a ruling in this case. At stake is whether or not Unive should fully cover the electrolysis therapy I'm undergoing in order to remove excess facial hair growth. As I pursue a female role in daily life I feel very uncomfortable with this hair growth. Now that I'm officially registered as a female, and the cause of the excess hair growth is medically proven to be due to my intersex condition, i.e. hormonal, I fall under regulations for both transsexuals and regular women with hormonal issues.
So far Unive has declined to give a reason for why they refuse to fully cover electrolysis in my case, merely saying that their medical advisers say that intersex doesn't qualify because it's 'very different'. It's going to be interesting to see and hear how they'll respond now. I'm very curious about who else will be present at the hearing, whether it's from SKGZ or from Unive. I'd like to see the latter try and say to my face that I do not qualify for full coverage because my case is so different from transsexuals and regular women. The suspicion of discrimination is hard to suppress.
I just hope that SKGZ will rule that Unive has to fully cover the therapy so that I can get back the nearly 6,000 Euro I have spent on it so far over the past years. It'd be money I could really use, both for myself and for the intersex cause.
Maya
So far Unive has declined to give a reason for why they refuse to fully cover electrolysis in my case, merely saying that their medical advisers say that intersex doesn't qualify because it's 'very different'. It's going to be interesting to see and hear how they'll respond now. I'm very curious about who else will be present at the hearing, whether it's from SKGZ or from Unive. I'd like to see the latter try and say to my face that I do not qualify for full coverage because my case is so different from transsexuals and regular women. The suspicion of discrimination is hard to suppress.
I just hope that SKGZ will rule that Unive has to fully cover the therapy so that I can get back the nearly 6,000 Euro I have spent on it so far over the past years. It'd be money I could really use, both for myself and for the intersex cause.
Maya
Wednesday, 24 October 2012
Pride Photo Award Pitch Won By Intersex
Last time I wrote about 'De Donkere Kamer' ('The Dark Room') photography event in Amsterdam, which was organized together with Pride Photo Award. During this event three pitches were presented by photographers aimed at getting money from the public for their project. I was present at this event as well last Monday from 8 PM until 10.30 PM. A recording of the entire event can be found here on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxKCJrEnsyM (Dutch spoken). Short summary: Eric Brinkhorst with his pitch to get me money for the surgery I need as well as to promote the intersex cause won first place. Total amount won is a few hundred Euro, the total amount I'll hear later. All of this will go towards the intended goals. I'll still need help with finding the surgeon for this controversial surgery, though. Germany is my first pick right now.
Now that I have money for travel and such expenses, I'd really appreciate help with finding said surgeon. There's supposedly a good clinic near Berlin, but it's pretty stressful for me to establish contact with any potential surgeons, worsened by the language barrier with relatively few German people speaking good English. Maybe I should start offering a monetary award for helping me find a surgeon after previous failed attempts :)
Maya
Now that I have money for travel and such expenses, I'd really appreciate help with finding said surgeon. There's supposedly a good clinic near Berlin, but it's pretty stressful for me to establish contact with any potential surgeons, worsened by the language barrier with relatively few German people speaking good English. Maybe I should start offering a monetary award for helping me find a surgeon after previous failed attempts :)
Maya
Saturday, 20 October 2012
Still No One Gets The Intersex Tragedy
Two days ago, on Thursday August 18th, me and my girlfriend appeared on TLC Netherlands' new show 'TLC Over...' ('TLC about...') with my story as part of an episode on taboos. In the run-up to this show's airing and the recordings over a month ago, there was the strong suggestion by those I talked to including the producer of the show, Saskia Elings, at Palm Plus Media, that they'd really cover my story and had a lot of interest in it. During the recordings the host of the show, Birgit Schuurman, even mentioned repeatedly how important she thought that covering the need for me to get that final surgery which would open up my female side was. To me she said that she hoped the broadcast would help me get said surgery, itself being impossible in the Netherlands due to outdated protocols and morals. In the end, though, the episode was about 80% filled with a prostitute trying to convince her mom that her way of earning money was just fine. There was also this guy with a cast fetish and finally as the smallest segment there was my part, summarized as me having a hard time, but now I finally found love and everything is fine now. Not a word about the surgery, or the other big issues I am still dealing with. The intersex tragedy was merely glossed over.
After swallowing some more bitter disappointment I sent the producer the following email (translated from Dutch):
"After having seen the episode I can say that I have no interest whatsoever to put it on my site. Literally only 10% of the episode was spent on my topic, or even less. It quickly skimmed over my problems and after that that I am now supposedly happy because I have found love. Everything I have told about the surgery I still need and such weren't included. Even though Birgit (ed: host of the show) and the others during the recordings indicated that they found this to be very important. During the recordings my partner and I talked a great deal about this subject due to this.
"This while especially the SM fetish got a lot of attention with also a bit of cast fetish. The result was a relatively weak episode which brought very few taboos to one's attention. For what calls itself 'the Learning Channel' this was a downright humiliation. The required surgery for me is exactly what this taboo is about since this surgery can simply not be done in the Netherlands by surgeons exactly because it is a taboo. The Netherlands is a heavily conservative country.
"I do not regret cooperating on this show, but it was a major disappointment and will ultimately mean nothing to me or other intersexuals. This is a huge missed opportunity. The next time that I'll get an offer like this for an appearance on a show I'll look at it much more critically before I'll sign up."
Considering that I'm still trapped in a country where politicians, physicians and psychologists alike deny the existence of intersex, or that these are individuals with their own human rights instead of toys to be used at their leisure, I'd hardly say that I'm in a happy place yet. In fact I'd say that the nightmare I have been stuck in for decades has lessened in severity, but the moment I relent in my efforts it'll still be game over. The VUmc's gender team and the other physicians and psychologists I came into contact with still want to save their own skin and will gladly sacrifice me to accomplish that. They will deny that they made any mistakes in my case, and that they're doing anything (morally) wrong in the case of other intersex individuals, including infants who can not even fight back. This are still the trenches in a long, exhausting and very dirty war.
After the mess at the Dolhuys museum and this TLC fluffy reality show it's hard to really put one's faith into any more public events. One possible exception which I hope will work out is an event called 'De Donkere Kamer' ('The Dark Room'), which is organized together with Pride Photo Award. As the brochure states: "Monday evening 22 October 2012 a special edition of De Donkere Kamer will take place, made in cooperation with Pride Photo Award. This special edition of De Donkere Kamer looks for three photographers who feel inspired by the theme sexual- and gender diversity and who want to pitch their project in three minutes with as goal to collect money for realizing their project. The public determines how the entry money for the evening will be divided over the three projects. Pride Photo Award is an international photo contest about sexual- and gender diversity. They fight for a more nuanced image of homosexuals and lesbians in the international view. Go for more information to the website of Pride Photo Award: www.pridephotoaward.org"
The photographer who took the pictures of me for the article in the AD newspaper earlier this year, and whose pictures also appeared in the NRC Handelsblad newspaper with the article on me, contacted me in relation to this event. This photographer, Eric Brinkhorst, submitted his pitch to the contest involving helping me get that surgery I mentioned earlier and promoting the intersex cause. His pitch got accepted and last Thursday we took the pictures of me (and my girlfriend, of course) which will be shown during the pitch on Monday. I'll be present there as well.
I think that people like Eric are the people who actually get the intersex tragedy and will help to bring it to the attention of people. Naturally this event isn't without benefit to him, but it's also an example which shows that one can do proper journalism and still gain something from it. Fluffy reality shows are for the mindless public. Journalism is for those who want to expand borders and right that which is wrong while making their name part of history.
Here's to hoping that Monday's event will somewhat restore my faith in things after this last series of less than pleasant happenings.
Maya
After swallowing some more bitter disappointment I sent the producer the following email (translated from Dutch):
"After having seen the episode I can say that I have no interest whatsoever to put it on my site. Literally only 10% of the episode was spent on my topic, or even less. It quickly skimmed over my problems and after that that I am now supposedly happy because I have found love. Everything I have told about the surgery I still need and such weren't included. Even though Birgit (ed: host of the show) and the others during the recordings indicated that they found this to be very important. During the recordings my partner and I talked a great deal about this subject due to this.
"This while especially the SM fetish got a lot of attention with also a bit of cast fetish. The result was a relatively weak episode which brought very few taboos to one's attention. For what calls itself 'the Learning Channel' this was a downright humiliation. The required surgery for me is exactly what this taboo is about since this surgery can simply not be done in the Netherlands by surgeons exactly because it is a taboo. The Netherlands is a heavily conservative country.
"I do not regret cooperating on this show, but it was a major disappointment and will ultimately mean nothing to me or other intersexuals. This is a huge missed opportunity. The next time that I'll get an offer like this for an appearance on a show I'll look at it much more critically before I'll sign up."
Considering that I'm still trapped in a country where politicians, physicians and psychologists alike deny the existence of intersex, or that these are individuals with their own human rights instead of toys to be used at their leisure, I'd hardly say that I'm in a happy place yet. In fact I'd say that the nightmare I have been stuck in for decades has lessened in severity, but the moment I relent in my efforts it'll still be game over. The VUmc's gender team and the other physicians and psychologists I came into contact with still want to save their own skin and will gladly sacrifice me to accomplish that. They will deny that they made any mistakes in my case, and that they're doing anything (morally) wrong in the case of other intersex individuals, including infants who can not even fight back. This are still the trenches in a long, exhausting and very dirty war.
After the mess at the Dolhuys museum and this TLC fluffy reality show it's hard to really put one's faith into any more public events. One possible exception which I hope will work out is an event called 'De Donkere Kamer' ('The Dark Room'), which is organized together with Pride Photo Award. As the brochure states: "Monday evening 22 October 2012 a special edition of De Donkere Kamer will take place, made in cooperation with Pride Photo Award. This special edition of De Donkere Kamer looks for three photographers who feel inspired by the theme sexual- and gender diversity and who want to pitch their project in three minutes with as goal to collect money for realizing their project. The public determines how the entry money for the evening will be divided over the three projects. Pride Photo Award is an international photo contest about sexual- and gender diversity. They fight for a more nuanced image of homosexuals and lesbians in the international view. Go for more information to the website of Pride Photo Award: www.pridephotoaward.org"
The photographer who took the pictures of me for the article in the AD newspaper earlier this year, and whose pictures also appeared in the NRC Handelsblad newspaper with the article on me, contacted me in relation to this event. This photographer, Eric Brinkhorst, submitted his pitch to the contest involving helping me get that surgery I mentioned earlier and promoting the intersex cause. His pitch got accepted and last Thursday we took the pictures of me (and my girlfriend, of course) which will be shown during the pitch on Monday. I'll be present there as well.
I think that people like Eric are the people who actually get the intersex tragedy and will help to bring it to the attention of people. Naturally this event isn't without benefit to him, but it's also an example which shows that one can do proper journalism and still gain something from it. Fluffy reality shows are for the mindless public. Journalism is for those who want to expand borders and right that which is wrong while making their name part of history.
Here's to hoping that Monday's event will somewhat restore my faith in things after this last series of less than pleasant happenings.
Maya
Sunday, 14 October 2012
Abandoning Reason In A Make-Believe World
Last Thursday it was time for me to appear in court regarding the vandalism case where I had supposedly knowingly and willingly broken a few items at a family doctor's place, despite suffering horrific psychological and physical trauma as a result [1]. After a 2.5 hour delay thanks to the previous cases taking much longer, including one I followed involving someone who regularly beats up people and still hasn't received any real punishment, my case came for the judge. It was then quickly discovered that my lawyer didn't have some documents. Now it'll take another few months before anything happens in the case again. I do know that I am going for complete dismissal of the case against me now, though. I'm not even going to relent and pay up any money, or accept any kind of guilty verdict.
Not having more than a few scattered memory fragments of the event in question plays a strong role here, as I can not see myself as guilty when I do not have any recollection of causing the damage in question, or what the reasoning behind it may have been. All I know is that I was under an impossible amount of stress at the time, desperate to finally solve the medical mystery of my body after systematic denial of help by Dutch 'specialists' for over six years at that point, and in a less than stable emotional state after having attempted to commit suicide about two months earlier. My psycho-therapist has diagnosed me with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder and Chronic Stress Disorder, all resulting from the excessive stress I had to endure thanks to Dutch physicians and psychologists. These disorders all can lead to moments of complete or partial blackouts, during which the person in question can act in a manner inconsistent with that person's primary personality and portray aggressive, depressed or other excessive traits.
Yesterday I also received message from SKGZ, the organization dealing with my case against insurance company Unive regarding the full coverage of the electrolysis therapy. This basically involves me receiving therapy to get rid of the facial hair I developed as a result of having an elevated testosterone level due to my intersex condition. For both regular women with a hormone imbalance and for transsexuals this therapy is covered fully by insurance, yet Unive claims that for intersex individuals this is not the case, and that I will have to pay it myself, despite the costs having passed five-thousand Euro a long time ago already. Wednesday the 31st of October I'll attend a hearing about this. Hopefully I can sway some minds there.
All of this keeps reminding me how much alike this is to kindergarten where children keep coming up with their make-belief stories which they act out in full conviction. Here too so-called adults have created this make-belief world in which people have to act in a certain way and where things are defined and governed by specific rules and regulations. Their reality is shaped by this system. I know very well that what Dutch physicians, psychologists and politicians did to me over the years is horrific and morally wrong in every regard. I know that what happened during that vandalism incident last year was due to me having been bullied again and again until something broke inside of me. I know that Unive is wrong on this count, that they should just pay the full amount as I am more female than any male-to-female transsexual, wish to live fully in a female role and suffer a lot due to having facial hair.
And yet due to the make-belief world of rules, regulations, traditions, insurance policies, managers and other assorted systems, none of this matters. I'm a mere toy to this faceless, vicious entity. What I know to be right and the simple truth is irrelevant. That it makes me feel horrible and suicidal is irrelevant. Nothing I do matters to this inhumane collection of insanity. I do trudge on in the hope that things will turn out better soon, but only by constantly pushing away thoughts of despair can I continue living. There's absolutely nothing enjoyable about being alive.
'Hope' is such a small thing to live for.
Maya
[1] http://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2011/05/taking-nightmare-notch-further.html
Not having more than a few scattered memory fragments of the event in question plays a strong role here, as I can not see myself as guilty when I do not have any recollection of causing the damage in question, or what the reasoning behind it may have been. All I know is that I was under an impossible amount of stress at the time, desperate to finally solve the medical mystery of my body after systematic denial of help by Dutch 'specialists' for over six years at that point, and in a less than stable emotional state after having attempted to commit suicide about two months earlier. My psycho-therapist has diagnosed me with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder and Chronic Stress Disorder, all resulting from the excessive stress I had to endure thanks to Dutch physicians and psychologists. These disorders all can lead to moments of complete or partial blackouts, during which the person in question can act in a manner inconsistent with that person's primary personality and portray aggressive, depressed or other excessive traits.
Yesterday I also received message from SKGZ, the organization dealing with my case against insurance company Unive regarding the full coverage of the electrolysis therapy. This basically involves me receiving therapy to get rid of the facial hair I developed as a result of having an elevated testosterone level due to my intersex condition. For both regular women with a hormone imbalance and for transsexuals this therapy is covered fully by insurance, yet Unive claims that for intersex individuals this is not the case, and that I will have to pay it myself, despite the costs having passed five-thousand Euro a long time ago already. Wednesday the 31st of October I'll attend a hearing about this. Hopefully I can sway some minds there.
All of this keeps reminding me how much alike this is to kindergarten where children keep coming up with their make-belief stories which they act out in full conviction. Here too so-called adults have created this make-belief world in which people have to act in a certain way and where things are defined and governed by specific rules and regulations. Their reality is shaped by this system. I know very well that what Dutch physicians, psychologists and politicians did to me over the years is horrific and morally wrong in every regard. I know that what happened during that vandalism incident last year was due to me having been bullied again and again until something broke inside of me. I know that Unive is wrong on this count, that they should just pay the full amount as I am more female than any male-to-female transsexual, wish to live fully in a female role and suffer a lot due to having facial hair.
And yet due to the make-belief world of rules, regulations, traditions, insurance policies, managers and other assorted systems, none of this matters. I'm a mere toy to this faceless, vicious entity. What I know to be right and the simple truth is irrelevant. That it makes me feel horrible and suicidal is irrelevant. Nothing I do matters to this inhumane collection of insanity. I do trudge on in the hope that things will turn out better soon, but only by constantly pushing away thoughts of despair can I continue living. There's absolutely nothing enjoyable about being alive.
'Hope' is such a small thing to live for.
Maya
[1] http://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2011/05/taking-nightmare-notch-further.html
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