Do you feel more female or male?
Sitting there at a table in front of half a dozen cameras, each registering every motion, every word and syllable I produce, it's a familiar question I get asked by yet another TV host. Generally the answer I produce at those times is a relaxed 'it's all relative', mentioning how my brothers are worse at technical things than me, and that few - if any - gender-based stereotypes are actually true.
In reality, it's a far more torturous question than one could imagine. For the average person there's no need to question 'gender' and they can happily embark on all the standard jokes about their own and the opposite gender. Even for the average person who doesn't feel comfortable with the gender they're born into it's a simple matter. Just swap their gender and they're happy as can be. The infamous gender binary at its finest.
For a person like me, who biologically speaking is both sexes, there's no easy answer. There are only deep, tortured questions and the inevitable conclusion that there's nothing where this 'gender' thing should be at. While 'male' and 'female' make sense to me in a biological fashion - and I most decidedly feel the need to reinforce for myself over and over again that I do in fact have a primarily female body despite countless earlier confirmations - there nevertheless is not this final conclusion that I am something specific.
I guess that makes sense considering what is meant with a chimera: an ambiguous collection of distinct species or sexes. That's me in a nutshell. And much like my body it has thrown my mind for a loop. How should I interpret things I feel and desire? The easy answer is that I'm just me and that any further ponderings are meaningless. Yet it doesn't satisfy this massive black hole inside of my chest where should go the resounding answer to the question of who and what I am.
For me intellectual pursuits are easy. I'm just a smart brain there. There's no real distinction between genders and sexes or any relevance to doing so when I'm on a technical forum or IRC chatting about technology and science. Intellect has always been a safe haven for me, a place where I can truly be myself. Everything beyond that is a scary, uncertain place.
In general social contact it's to be brutally honest pretty darn scary and tiring to have to deal with the socially enforced reality of having to be what is demanded. While I can feel little to no resonance from inside my heart upon hearing these things, I have been able to establish through inquiries and the like that I'm in appearance a fairly attractive female-looking individual. When looking at myself in the mirror while wearing clothes which accentuate my figure I find that I have to agree. And yet it doesn't answer my question.
Is it just trauma which is blocking the answers I'm looking for? Unprocessed memories and pain from over two decades worth of existing and attempting to live in an increasingly more confusing and hostile world? This might very well be true. It doesn't take me much burrowing inside my heart to uncover enough hurt and relentless agony to last at least a hundred lifetimes. From my own country denying me the right to exist, to physicians and psychologists apparently going so far as to fabricate evidence to deny me the truth, to the carefree attitude of my environment as I underwent and still undergo a kind of psychological torture poisoning the very roots of my existence.
Enough trauma and drama, that's for sure. Having had to fight the Dutch systems to even gain the right to get the gender indication in my passport which best fits my physical appearance, it is for me downright incomprehensible why my attempts to merely exist are so brutally and savagely cut down at every opportunity. Beyond the Dutch legal system there is little in this country which even has the semblance of civilization. Not in the medical system, nor in the political system.
I just know that getting mistaken for a guy on the phone is like getting stabbed in the chest, even if such mistakes are common even for regular women. I can not laugh it away. Not yet.
I desperately want to be seen and regarded as 'female', it seems. I dress like one, behave like one and I would feel little joy in life if my wish to have my existing female reproductive side restored got denied forever. Yet I do not want to get rid of the other reproductive side which would classify me as biologically 'male'. It makes sense to me on one level, and is absolute madness and insanity on another. Heck, my very existence rarely makes a lot of sense to me. Do I even belong?
An area where things turn from mere barking mad insanity into something far more disturbing and vile is that of sexuality. True, I am sensitive to the sight of an attractive person regardless of gender. Yet beyond this thin veil of normality lies something which makes sense to no one. A place where a woman can not have a relationship with a man as men only mean harm. A place which demonizes men. A place where a pregnant woman is the victim of a horrible crime, brainwashed into believing it's something wonderful. Where women who seek out sex are vile beings. Where even a relationship is something sickening and sexual actions disgusting and repulsive.
Recent experiences haven't helped with this all one bit. I also do not know what is needed for me to normalize on these points and maybe reach a point where I can decide about what all of it truly means to me. I know that I need to get those answers, and that I need help to reach them.
Maybe then when asked that one question everyone asks me again I can finally feel that it is the one true answer when I reply to it.
Maya
Friday, 22 March 2013
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Let's Try This Again; Starting Anew
Last year I made the big decision to finally focus on getting a full-time job to help myself proceed in life. Having plenty of money is a wonderful thing after all. Fortunately my favourite pastime from a very young age on, namely computers and software development, turned out to be a very useful asset. It immediately catapulted me into senior developer status for my first job. So much for those who denounced me as someone who would amount to little since I didn't express much interest in studying at school and university.
At any rate I then ended up at a Dutch public broadcaster, doing backend maintenance and development on their websites. It wasn't the most exciting work, but paid alright. What ultimately made me quit there was that the place had a very top-down hierarchy, in which the people doing the actual work had virtually zero input in the whole process. This led to the developers being treated in a sense as children by management, who themselves naturally knew less of the technical details since they never made it into developers.
For over two months I just did some freelance work on random paid projects which didn't really make me a lot of money, so that I had to ask around on the social networks I frequent for more paid projects. This led to among other things someone referring me to the owner of this German software development company to ask whether he could use my services. The answer, as it turned out, was a resounding 'yes'.
Long story short, this week I spent in Southern Germany, working at the office of this company. This way we both could see whether I'd be able to work alright with the team I would be placed in as iOS developer and whether my work results were satisfactory. That I'm now sitting here back in the Netherlands with a new iPod and almost-current model Macbook Pro provided by said company would suggest a positive result there :)
I'm far happier with this switch to a new job and do not regret leaving my previous place of employment. I now work from home or anywhere I want, in a freelance fashion, meaning that I can work flexible hours without getting into problems with my contract. I'm also earning significantly more than before, which means that now I should finally be able to start saving up some money for the future which will include moving away from the Netherlands.
On one hand it's somewhat scary to start such a new job in this fashion, also because I'm at this point pretty much a beginning iOS developer, though my C/C++ background helps a lot there. There's a lot of responsibility resting upon my shoulders. Fortunately I'm feeling confident enough that I can do this. My experiences at the office this week also proved that. To a good developer the development environment and language should be of no real concern, as the underlying concepts do not change. The whims of the API developers and technical writers form the only major roadblock.
The only thing I still have to take care of at this point is a place of my own where I can live, but then I should be set for a while.
Maya
At any rate I then ended up at a Dutch public broadcaster, doing backend maintenance and development on their websites. It wasn't the most exciting work, but paid alright. What ultimately made me quit there was that the place had a very top-down hierarchy, in which the people doing the actual work had virtually zero input in the whole process. This led to the developers being treated in a sense as children by management, who themselves naturally knew less of the technical details since they never made it into developers.
For over two months I just did some freelance work on random paid projects which didn't really make me a lot of money, so that I had to ask around on the social networks I frequent for more paid projects. This led to among other things someone referring me to the owner of this German software development company to ask whether he could use my services. The answer, as it turned out, was a resounding 'yes'.
Long story short, this week I spent in Southern Germany, working at the office of this company. This way we both could see whether I'd be able to work alright with the team I would be placed in as iOS developer and whether my work results were satisfactory. That I'm now sitting here back in the Netherlands with a new iPod and almost-current model Macbook Pro provided by said company would suggest a positive result there :)
I'm far happier with this switch to a new job and do not regret leaving my previous place of employment. I now work from home or anywhere I want, in a freelance fashion, meaning that I can work flexible hours without getting into problems with my contract. I'm also earning significantly more than before, which means that now I should finally be able to start saving up some money for the future which will include moving away from the Netherlands.
On one hand it's somewhat scary to start such a new job in this fashion, also because I'm at this point pretty much a beginning iOS developer, though my C/C++ background helps a lot there. There's a lot of responsibility resting upon my shoulders. Fortunately I'm feeling confident enough that I can do this. My experiences at the office this week also proved that. To a good developer the development environment and language should be of no real concern, as the underlying concepts do not change. The whims of the API developers and technical writers form the only major roadblock.
The only thing I still have to take care of at this point is a place of my own where I can live, but then I should be set for a while.
Maya
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
I Wish I Didn't Have This Body To Take Care Of
I'm not quite sure how to start this blog post. As I'm typing this I'm sitting on the couch in the apartment I am staying in this week while I get to know the team I'll be working with at my new employer, here in Germany. While this means that finally I'll have a stable income, a pleasant company to work for and the freedom to work when and where I want, things didn't quite go how I expected them to the past weeks.
What should have been bad enough already would be that my girlfriend and I have broken up. Stuff like that happens. You feel bad about it for a while and move on. Unfortunately this is not how it happened. To make a very long story short, my ex-girlfriend is occupying the apartment back in Almere. While she tells me that she wants me to come back and 'talk things through', I know that the train has long since passed that station and isn't even within a light year of it any more. Talking and 'fixing' is what we have done the past eight months almost constantly already.
The past hours I have mostly spent feeling depressed and crying, as well as feeling hunted. Part of me still expects my ex-girlfriend to just storm into the apartment here, or wait for me somewhere else. It's a feeling I find incredibly hard to shake off. Anyway... what would I be feeling depressed about and cry for? That despite so many things suddenly going right in my life I just had to get beaten up so badly, figuratively speaking, that I'm not sure I even want to get up again. I'm not a glutton for punishment.
Some people are trying to insinuate that my ex and I should talk things through, maybe via counseling. My ex has this amazing belief that because she thinks she loves me that everything will be fine. Love alone doesn't conquer anything. The past months that we spent together were in retrospect some of the most horrific months I have gone through in my life. At least when I was dealing with those horrible Dutch physicians and the like I could go home and forget about it for few weeks, if only a bit. No chance of feeling anything but this constant apprehension of being watched and scrutinized. If my emotional side gave out again and I simply collapsed there'd be no sympathy or the like. Instead I'd just get prodded like a cow on its way to the butcher's.
Love... intimacy... caring for another person. I can still kind of feel it deep inside me and imagine what it should feel like, but what remains of such feelings inside of me are now torn, ragged remains flapping in the wind. While traveling to where I am currently in Germany I couldn't help but look around at people and imagine starting a relationship with another. I'd feel something for faces and people I deemed pretty or beautiful, but it felt distant. I'd love a hug and someone who'd take care of me, but I also know that such a person doesn't... what am I saying, I know those people exist.
It all feels twisted inside my head. Traveling and adapting to new places, dealing with new experiences and new challenges. Meanwhile accosted by dreadful imaginations of what will happen when I'm returning to the Netherlands on Friday. Last week Tuesday I had to escape the apartment in Almere and spent time at my mother's place because things had become more than impossible. Ever got that sensation when you know that there's only one way out and that's by taking your own life? Yeah, that's what the past months have been leading up to, culminating into a situation I hope to never experience again.
It's best to go each other's separate ways if things don't work out. It's how adults do it. They'll try to fix things a few times at most, then decide that it isn't working out and split up in a calm and reasonable fashion. I'd almost long for such a 'normal' break-up. Instead I'm dealing with the impossible situation where I have essentially lost my home and possessions, forcing me to couch surf for the coming weeks, probably months. I wish I didn't have this body which needed food, drink and shelter. It's an unnecessary burden. I'd so much prefer to be just a presence.
My thoughts keep returning to that moment last week where I was lying on the floor as my ex just kept yelling at me for I don't know how long, with me begging her to please stop. At that time I hated having a body so much. Almost enough to eradicate it from existence. Regardless of whether I deserve it to live or die.
And that's exactly why my ex should move on with her life: so that I can move on with mine. At this point I'm feeling more stress and agony than I have ever felt before. I hope that I can keep myself together the coming time. If I keep breaking down emotionally pretty much every day lately I fear that there's not much more I can take. I'm also afraid to let all this emotional agony turn into hatred against my ex. Eventually it'll go like that, as I can all too clearly see how she's blocking my life.
Anyway, I'm pretty much just rambling now. I just wanted to put down how this current situation is affecting me, and how rapidly things can go from alright to insane. I'm so hoping for a mature solution to this situation.
I'm just a wreck now...
Maya
What should have been bad enough already would be that my girlfriend and I have broken up. Stuff like that happens. You feel bad about it for a while and move on. Unfortunately this is not how it happened. To make a very long story short, my ex-girlfriend is occupying the apartment back in Almere. While she tells me that she wants me to come back and 'talk things through', I know that the train has long since passed that station and isn't even within a light year of it any more. Talking and 'fixing' is what we have done the past eight months almost constantly already.
The past hours I have mostly spent feeling depressed and crying, as well as feeling hunted. Part of me still expects my ex-girlfriend to just storm into the apartment here, or wait for me somewhere else. It's a feeling I find incredibly hard to shake off. Anyway... what would I be feeling depressed about and cry for? That despite so many things suddenly going right in my life I just had to get beaten up so badly, figuratively speaking, that I'm not sure I even want to get up again. I'm not a glutton for punishment.
Some people are trying to insinuate that my ex and I should talk things through, maybe via counseling. My ex has this amazing belief that because she thinks she loves me that everything will be fine. Love alone doesn't conquer anything. The past months that we spent together were in retrospect some of the most horrific months I have gone through in my life. At least when I was dealing with those horrible Dutch physicians and the like I could go home and forget about it for few weeks, if only a bit. No chance of feeling anything but this constant apprehension of being watched and scrutinized. If my emotional side gave out again and I simply collapsed there'd be no sympathy or the like. Instead I'd just get prodded like a cow on its way to the butcher's.
Love... intimacy... caring for another person. I can still kind of feel it deep inside me and imagine what it should feel like, but what remains of such feelings inside of me are now torn, ragged remains flapping in the wind. While traveling to where I am currently in Germany I couldn't help but look around at people and imagine starting a relationship with another. I'd feel something for faces and people I deemed pretty or beautiful, but it felt distant. I'd love a hug and someone who'd take care of me, but I also know that such a person doesn't... what am I saying, I know those people exist.
It all feels twisted inside my head. Traveling and adapting to new places, dealing with new experiences and new challenges. Meanwhile accosted by dreadful imaginations of what will happen when I'm returning to the Netherlands on Friday. Last week Tuesday I had to escape the apartment in Almere and spent time at my mother's place because things had become more than impossible. Ever got that sensation when you know that there's only one way out and that's by taking your own life? Yeah, that's what the past months have been leading up to, culminating into a situation I hope to never experience again.
It's best to go each other's separate ways if things don't work out. It's how adults do it. They'll try to fix things a few times at most, then decide that it isn't working out and split up in a calm and reasonable fashion. I'd almost long for such a 'normal' break-up. Instead I'm dealing with the impossible situation where I have essentially lost my home and possessions, forcing me to couch surf for the coming weeks, probably months. I wish I didn't have this body which needed food, drink and shelter. It's an unnecessary burden. I'd so much prefer to be just a presence.
My thoughts keep returning to that moment last week where I was lying on the floor as my ex just kept yelling at me for I don't know how long, with me begging her to please stop. At that time I hated having a body so much. Almost enough to eradicate it from existence. Regardless of whether I deserve it to live or die.
And that's exactly why my ex should move on with her life: so that I can move on with mine. At this point I'm feeling more stress and agony than I have ever felt before. I hope that I can keep myself together the coming time. If I keep breaking down emotionally pretty much every day lately I fear that there's not much more I can take. I'm also afraid to let all this emotional agony turn into hatred against my ex. Eventually it'll go like that, as I can all too clearly see how she's blocking my life.
Anyway, I'm pretty much just rambling now. I just wanted to put down how this current situation is affecting me, and how rapidly things can go from alright to insane. I'm so hoping for a mature solution to this situation.
I'm just a wreck now...
Maya
Sunday, 17 February 2013
Letter To Dutch Prince Willem-Alexander And Princess Máxima
I sent the below letter (in Dutch) earlier this week to the Dutch Prince Willem-Alexander and his wife, Princess Máxima, in order to ask for their attention for the way intersex individuals are being treated in Dutch society. As Willem-Alexander will soon take over the role of his mother, Queen Beatrix, he'll be in a position where he can influence politics. Hopefully he'll be more receptive than Queen Beatrix, whom I wrote twice back in 2011, but which did not result in anything. Of course, that was long before I got formal recognition of my intersex condition.
---
Dear Prince Willem-Alexander, Princess Máxima,
I am writing to the two of you regarding the position, rights and treatment of intersex individuals in the Netherlands.
These are people who are born with an anatomy which as a whole can not be considered male or female. About 1 in every 100 to 1 in every 25 children is born with a form of intersex, which can be both genetic and hormonal in origin.
I am what one calls a hermaphrodite: a combination of both male and female tissue, usually from a dizygotic twin. This is a quite rare form of intersex. However it took about eight years before I received partial recognition of this in the Netherlands, years after it had been recognized in Germany. This turns out to be the rule and not the exception for intersex individuals in the Netherlands.
In 2005 I went to the gender team of the VUmc hospital in Amsterdam for the first time, after I had found out that the undetermined feeling I had been walking around with for years was that I had never chosen which role I wanted to live: a male or female role. At first I thought I had to be transsexual, but after any research I found out that there exists something like intersex, and that this completely befit me. I had namely never had any feelings which would fit with a transsexual person.
At the VUmc they refused however to perform any examinations which could show whether I was indeed intersex. Instead I got treated as a transsexual person, which offended me. At other Dutch hospitals (AMC, Erasmus, OLVG, UMCG, UMC) I wasn't welcomed either, even after I had funded an MRI scan myself in December 2001 in Germany, where they concluded that I have both male and female reproductive organs. These results were ignored in Dutch hospitals.
Since that day a second German clinic has confirmed these results and a German surgeon in October 2011 performed an exploratory surgery which once again confirmed the MRI results. I was there at this surgeon because for an official gender change (from male to female) I had to prove that I wasn't fertile as a male. This is a requirement in Dutch law for intersex and transsexual individuals, something which most countries do not require any more. Ironically enough was this procedure (orchiectomy) not legal in the Netherlands.
In March 2012 the court in Alkmaar [red: the Netherlands] agreed to the gender change in my birth certificate, whereby they took some leniency in interpreting the law article, since at my birth both sides weren't externally visible. I am now the first officially recognized intersex individual in the Netherlands. This led to a lot of media attention, among others from NRC Handelsblad. You can read the relevant news articles on my website (www.mayaposch.com).
Shortly after this all I have started via my current personal injury lawyer, Yme Drost, a case against the VUmc gender team at the medical disciplinary commission in Amsterdam. In about a month time the first public hearing will take place. The allegations against the VUmc concern among other things the formulation of a wrong diagnosis, not providing sufficient psychological help, not following of existing protocols and violating my right to decide about my own body.
Yet my case isn't an exception in the Netherlands. The current medical approach is aimed at the denial and removal of intersex characteristics with newborns, as well as the assigning of a gender, usually before the first year. Those who I have encountered as adults who have gone through this speak only negatively about it. They feel damaged, even mutilated, since they have never been able to decide which gender and associated role they wanted to have and live. In the end a gender is a completely personal choice, and not something which parents and physicians can decide about.
Considering this, and also considering the impending abdication of Her Majesty, Queen Beatrix, this seems like the moment when the Netherlands can start a new chapter concerning human rights. Both with finally introducing the Yogyakarta principles, as well as by recognizing intersex individuals in the law, through which they would receive the right to determine themselves about how they want to live their lives, even if it's not as 'male' or 'female'.
A concrete point where the law has to be adapted is that of basic health insurance where the full coverage of treatments is determined. At this point it's so that if a transsexual person who goes from a male to a female role and has the facial hair growth removed, this gets fully covered. For an intersex person does something similar this is however not possible, including for yours truly. Both CVZ, SKGZ and Unive refuse to acknowledge at this point that both scenarios are even remotely comparable. For me there is a significant financial factor, as well as the psychological stress from this discrimination.
Thank you for reading this letter, and I hope you will think about these matters. You can read more about my story and background information on my website. If you have any further questions you can always contact me.
My heartfelt thanks in advance,
Maya Posch
---
Maya
---
Dear Prince Willem-Alexander, Princess Máxima,
I am writing to the two of you regarding the position, rights and treatment of intersex individuals in the Netherlands.
These are people who are born with an anatomy which as a whole can not be considered male or female. About 1 in every 100 to 1 in every 25 children is born with a form of intersex, which can be both genetic and hormonal in origin.
I am what one calls a hermaphrodite: a combination of both male and female tissue, usually from a dizygotic twin. This is a quite rare form of intersex. However it took about eight years before I received partial recognition of this in the Netherlands, years after it had been recognized in Germany. This turns out to be the rule and not the exception for intersex individuals in the Netherlands.
In 2005 I went to the gender team of the VUmc hospital in Amsterdam for the first time, after I had found out that the undetermined feeling I had been walking around with for years was that I had never chosen which role I wanted to live: a male or female role. At first I thought I had to be transsexual, but after any research I found out that there exists something like intersex, and that this completely befit me. I had namely never had any feelings which would fit with a transsexual person.
At the VUmc they refused however to perform any examinations which could show whether I was indeed intersex. Instead I got treated as a transsexual person, which offended me. At other Dutch hospitals (AMC, Erasmus, OLVG, UMCG, UMC) I wasn't welcomed either, even after I had funded an MRI scan myself in December 2001 in Germany, where they concluded that I have both male and female reproductive organs. These results were ignored in Dutch hospitals.
Since that day a second German clinic has confirmed these results and a German surgeon in October 2011 performed an exploratory surgery which once again confirmed the MRI results. I was there at this surgeon because for an official gender change (from male to female) I had to prove that I wasn't fertile as a male. This is a requirement in Dutch law for intersex and transsexual individuals, something which most countries do not require any more. Ironically enough was this procedure (orchiectomy) not legal in the Netherlands.
In March 2012 the court in Alkmaar [red: the Netherlands] agreed to the gender change in my birth certificate, whereby they took some leniency in interpreting the law article, since at my birth both sides weren't externally visible. I am now the first officially recognized intersex individual in the Netherlands. This led to a lot of media attention, among others from NRC Handelsblad. You can read the relevant news articles on my website (www.mayaposch.com).
Shortly after this all I have started via my current personal injury lawyer, Yme Drost, a case against the VUmc gender team at the medical disciplinary commission in Amsterdam. In about a month time the first public hearing will take place. The allegations against the VUmc concern among other things the formulation of a wrong diagnosis, not providing sufficient psychological help, not following of existing protocols and violating my right to decide about my own body.
Yet my case isn't an exception in the Netherlands. The current medical approach is aimed at the denial and removal of intersex characteristics with newborns, as well as the assigning of a gender, usually before the first year. Those who I have encountered as adults who have gone through this speak only negatively about it. They feel damaged, even mutilated, since they have never been able to decide which gender and associated role they wanted to have and live. In the end a gender is a completely personal choice, and not something which parents and physicians can decide about.
Considering this, and also considering the impending abdication of Her Majesty, Queen Beatrix, this seems like the moment when the Netherlands can start a new chapter concerning human rights. Both with finally introducing the Yogyakarta principles, as well as by recognizing intersex individuals in the law, through which they would receive the right to determine themselves about how they want to live their lives, even if it's not as 'male' or 'female'.
A concrete point where the law has to be adapted is that of basic health insurance where the full coverage of treatments is determined. At this point it's so that if a transsexual person who goes from a male to a female role and has the facial hair growth removed, this gets fully covered. For an intersex person does something similar this is however not possible, including for yours truly. Both CVZ, SKGZ and Unive refuse to acknowledge at this point that both scenarios are even remotely comparable. For me there is a significant financial factor, as well as the psychological stress from this discrimination.
Thank you for reading this letter, and I hope you will think about these matters. You can read more about my story and background information on my website. If you have any further questions you can always contact me.
My heartfelt thanks in advance,
Maya Posch
---
Maya
Thursday, 14 February 2013
You Should Be Living Your Life Instead
In a comment to the post I made on Google+ yesterday concerning my previous blog post, Ricardo Vasconcelos said the following regarding my struggle against the Dutch medical system:
"I can't even begin to comprehend all that science. I hope everything works out for you, in the long run. It's sad that you are forced to waste so much time with all this nonsense... you should be living your life instead."
This one comment really quite hit me as it so closely approaches the bare, undiluted truth. As I replied to him: "I try not to think about it that way. You're right of course, but if I considered all that I have lost and never will experience due to what has been done to me, I'd go crazy."
Sitting there on Tuesday in the same room with two of the people who have hurt me so much. Who together with other Dutch physicians and the like have been responsible for me wasting nearly ten years of my life. Wasted it on what amounts to absolute and utter nonsense. The arrogance and ignorance of humanity brought together. A tragic repeat of history.
Just thinking about it all I have to really try to not succumb to tears. I want to cry, to scream and rage until I have no more energy left and I'm completely numb inside. Keeping back these tears isn't possible. I'm not ashamed to cry. I only feel ashamed for those who have and are hurting me. Everyone at the VUmc's gender team. The UMCG hospital's gender team. The Erasmus MC, AMC and UMC hospitals. Dutch Minister of Health Edith Schippers. All of the Dutch political parties, of whom none bothered to even take me seriously. I feel ashamed of them. Ashamed to be the same species.
I also feel ashamed of the Dutch police. Of so many general practitioners who never bothered to understand me. I find it so very hard to be living in the same world as all of these people. I'd rather wish they had never existed.
After Tuesday's initial hearing against the VUmc's gender team I felt completely broken. The next day I was suffering from a migraine. Today I'm trying to work again and tried to make it into a somewhat fun Valentine's day for myself and my girlfriend by going to the cinema for a fun movie. I feel a lot less miserable than I did yesterday. That's good.
Yesterday I had to deal with a few phone calls from a psychologist-in-training. As part of the legal harassment against me by the state I have to undergo a psychological examination to find out whether I truly suffer from PTSD and such disorders, and whether this truly led to me suffering a blackout when a certain GP at the Medical Center in Rijssen pushed too many of my buttons. Willingly, it seems. I was supposed to be having that examination yesterday, but I obviously was in no condition to attend it. I already let my lawyer know that I won't be able to deal with that case at all until at least the case against the VUmc's gender team has come to an end. Dealing with those two things at the same time is just too much for any person to deal with. Forcing me to deal with both would be inhumane.
In addition, that incident as mentioned occurred after years of psychological torture and rejection by Dutch physicians, psychologists and politicians, and was a direct result of the GP's office members treating me with the same contempt other Dutch medical staff had treated me. This in the clear knowledge of the traumatic disorders I was dealing with. This makes me into a victim of that event, and this legal harassment by the state makes me into a double victim. This has to be corrected somehow. I'm afraid of what might happen otherwise.
In all of this, yet again the clear realization that I need to be able to live, somehow. I'm glad that the case against the Dutch hospitals is finally making progress now, and I can't wait until the first public hearing. I hope to get and finish a lot of freelance software projects this and next month so that I can get the money I need to support myself and my girlfriend. The way things are looking at the moment I know that I'll be living, somehow.
I just don't really feel like I'm living my life, or any life which isn't merely a sad tragedy for the history books.
Maya
"I can't even begin to comprehend all that science. I hope everything works out for you, in the long run. It's sad that you are forced to waste so much time with all this nonsense... you should be living your life instead."
This one comment really quite hit me as it so closely approaches the bare, undiluted truth. As I replied to him: "I try not to think about it that way. You're right of course, but if I considered all that I have lost and never will experience due to what has been done to me, I'd go crazy."
Sitting there on Tuesday in the same room with two of the people who have hurt me so much. Who together with other Dutch physicians and the like have been responsible for me wasting nearly ten years of my life. Wasted it on what amounts to absolute and utter nonsense. The arrogance and ignorance of humanity brought together. A tragic repeat of history.
Just thinking about it all I have to really try to not succumb to tears. I want to cry, to scream and rage until I have no more energy left and I'm completely numb inside. Keeping back these tears isn't possible. I'm not ashamed to cry. I only feel ashamed for those who have and are hurting me. Everyone at the VUmc's gender team. The UMCG hospital's gender team. The Erasmus MC, AMC and UMC hospitals. Dutch Minister of Health Edith Schippers. All of the Dutch political parties, of whom none bothered to even take me seriously. I feel ashamed of them. Ashamed to be the same species.
I also feel ashamed of the Dutch police. Of so many general practitioners who never bothered to understand me. I find it so very hard to be living in the same world as all of these people. I'd rather wish they had never existed.
After Tuesday's initial hearing against the VUmc's gender team I felt completely broken. The next day I was suffering from a migraine. Today I'm trying to work again and tried to make it into a somewhat fun Valentine's day for myself and my girlfriend by going to the cinema for a fun movie. I feel a lot less miserable than I did yesterday. That's good.
Yesterday I had to deal with a few phone calls from a psychologist-in-training. As part of the legal harassment against me by the state I have to undergo a psychological examination to find out whether I truly suffer from PTSD and such disorders, and whether this truly led to me suffering a blackout when a certain GP at the Medical Center in Rijssen pushed too many of my buttons. Willingly, it seems. I was supposed to be having that examination yesterday, but I obviously was in no condition to attend it. I already let my lawyer know that I won't be able to deal with that case at all until at least the case against the VUmc's gender team has come to an end. Dealing with those two things at the same time is just too much for any person to deal with. Forcing me to deal with both would be inhumane.
In addition, that incident as mentioned occurred after years of psychological torture and rejection by Dutch physicians, psychologists and politicians, and was a direct result of the GP's office members treating me with the same contempt other Dutch medical staff had treated me. This in the clear knowledge of the traumatic disorders I was dealing with. This makes me into a victim of that event, and this legal harassment by the state makes me into a double victim. This has to be corrected somehow. I'm afraid of what might happen otherwise.
In all of this, yet again the clear realization that I need to be able to live, somehow. I'm glad that the case against the Dutch hospitals is finally making progress now, and I can't wait until the first public hearing. I hope to get and finish a lot of freelance software projects this and next month so that I can get the money I need to support myself and my girlfriend. The way things are looking at the moment I know that I'll be living, somehow.
I just don't really feel like I'm living my life, or any life which isn't merely a sad tragedy for the history books.
Maya
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
Conclusion Of Initial Hearing Against VUmc Gender Team
Yesterday was the initial hearing against the Amsterdam VUmc hospital's gender team. I was present with my lawyer, Yme Drost. The VUmc gender team was represented by Prof. Dr. P.T. Cohen-Kettenis (psychologist) representing the other defendants, Ms. mr. A.J.G.M. Janssen (jurist for the VUmc) and their lawyer. This closed hearing took about an hour and a half, during which most aspects of the case were touched upon.
Cohen insisted that the VUmc had handled properly, that they had performed as is routine a hormone level and external physical examination during which no indications of intersex were found. My response to this was that the hormone levels the VUmc supposedly had found didn't match up with those later found during the hormone treatment I underwent. Specifically the VUmc had indicated a testosterone level of 21 nM/L on a normal male range of 7-20 nM/L, where a female top range is around 0.7 nM/L. During the use of testosterone blockers I found that I needed only 25 mg/day whereas a dose of 100 mg/day is what a Male to Female transsexual would use to get testosterone levels down to female levels. This would suggest that I couldn't have had a testosterone level of more than 20/4 or 5 nM/L.
I suggested to the man presiding over the hearing that this could either mean that the VUmc's hormone level testing was done improperly resulting in a wrong result, or that something else had happened. Upon me mentioning this, Cohen and her lawyer started whispering to each other, as observed by my girlfriend who was sitting in the public section. Seemingly this must have had some impact. The rest of the hearing went on pretty much like this; the VUmc side kept to its story of being caring, attentive people, while I and my lawyer deconstructed each of these points.
Near the end of the hearing it was agreed that the complaints against the VUmc gender team would be extended by an additional item: that they had failed to provide proper psychological care when I had directly indicated to them that I was thinking of committing suicide and when I had indicated that I had attempted self-castration. It was also agreed that the disciplinary commission and the VUmc's lawyer would receive copies of the MRI scans made and the associated reports.
The next hearing should take place within about six weeks time. This hearing will then be public. I feel quite confident about it, especially after seeing what we're up against like this during the hearing. Most remarkable I thought was that just before we went into the hearing room when I shook Cohen's hand for the first time she seemed quite confident, but after the hearing when we shook hands again I tried to look her into the eyes again but this time she seemed fairly timid and averted her gaze.
I'm very curious as to how this case will develop from this point, and am looking forward to the first public hearing. Anyone of you is welcome to visit it as well. I will publish the location and date when I know more.
Maya
Cohen insisted that the VUmc had handled properly, that they had performed as is routine a hormone level and external physical examination during which no indications of intersex were found. My response to this was that the hormone levels the VUmc supposedly had found didn't match up with those later found during the hormone treatment I underwent. Specifically the VUmc had indicated a testosterone level of 21 nM/L on a normal male range of 7-20 nM/L, where a female top range is around 0.7 nM/L. During the use of testosterone blockers I found that I needed only 25 mg/day whereas a dose of 100 mg/day is what a Male to Female transsexual would use to get testosterone levels down to female levels. This would suggest that I couldn't have had a testosterone level of more than 20/4 or 5 nM/L.
I suggested to the man presiding over the hearing that this could either mean that the VUmc's hormone level testing was done improperly resulting in a wrong result, or that something else had happened. Upon me mentioning this, Cohen and her lawyer started whispering to each other, as observed by my girlfriend who was sitting in the public section. Seemingly this must have had some impact. The rest of the hearing went on pretty much like this; the VUmc side kept to its story of being caring, attentive people, while I and my lawyer deconstructed each of these points.
Near the end of the hearing it was agreed that the complaints against the VUmc gender team would be extended by an additional item: that they had failed to provide proper psychological care when I had directly indicated to them that I was thinking of committing suicide and when I had indicated that I had attempted self-castration. It was also agreed that the disciplinary commission and the VUmc's lawyer would receive copies of the MRI scans made and the associated reports.
The next hearing should take place within about six weeks time. This hearing will then be public. I feel quite confident about it, especially after seeing what we're up against like this during the hearing. Most remarkable I thought was that just before we went into the hearing room when I shook Cohen's hand for the first time she seemed quite confident, but after the hearing when we shook hands again I tried to look her into the eyes again but this time she seemed fairly timid and averted her gaze.
I'm very curious as to how this case will develop from this point, and am looking forward to the first public hearing. Anyone of you is welcome to visit it as well. I will publish the location and date when I know more.
Maya
Saturday, 2 February 2013
Hello, I'm An Intersex Person, Though I Actually Do Not Exist
Truth to be told, I and others with me often feel as though we are some variety of fantastical creatures; rare and illusive like unicorns and fairies. When someone spots one of us, it's as though a wonderful world never before imagined opens up to them, with myriad new possibilities and ideas. And yet what we symbolize at least at this moment in time isn't something of fantastical discoveries and freedom, but merely yet another tragic chapter of oppression, suppression and eradication in Humankind's history.
For we are intersex individuals. We are born like every other human being, but the society we are born into follows an almost movie-like cliche of binary variation between individual human beings: either male or female. Each is neatly differentiated by a specific set of reproductive organs, surrounded by myths, preconceptions and tired old jokes, expected to find an individual with the other set of reproductive organs and to produce offspring. And all was well.
Unfortunately Mother Nature/evolution doesn't work like that. Things like sex chromosomes, gender, biological sex, determination of sex and hermaphroditism form a fluid continuum throughout the Animal Kingdom. Whatever works goes. Cliches bred in oppressive human systems have no relevance on reality. Yet human society has imposed its own meta-reality on top of this reality. What used to have many shades of grey now only has two very distinct shades of black and white. And thus all of us - the shades of grey - vanish into the Aether.
I'm being forced to defend in just over a week again that I as an intersex individual not only exist, but should also be recognized as such and acknowledged to have the same human rights as every other... well, human. This to me indicates that society in general, or at least the medical and political systems governing it, do not recognize me as being a human being. I do not get those human rights, ergo I'm not human. Just like how African slaves in the old USA and elsewhere were considered to be inferior humans, more beasts, and thus didn't deserve to be treated like a human being.
What I did get offered, was to essentially commit suicide. I'd have to give up my physical body and the emotional and other attachments I might have to it. The brainwashing by physicians and psychologists was supposed to take care of this. This is the same thing which happens to many intersex infants every day again, world-wide. Yet they do not even have the reasoning power or awareness to realize that being forced to adopt a sex and accompanying gender role is a violation of not only basic human rights. It violates the basic tenet of being a living, breathing being: to survive and to thrive.
Yet refuse and you find yourself cast out of society, in so many ways. Sure, I still pay my taxes, have a place I live in and shop at the local grocery store like everyone else, but that's just this shell which is tolerated to exist. Me as a person, a human being, a living, breathing being who might want to feel acceptance and joy at least once in a while...
Giving up this body and mind would lead to acceptance, refusing to give it up, leads to being cast out and shunned. Doomed if you do, doomed if you don't.
Revolution has a nice ring to it.
Maya
For we are intersex individuals. We are born like every other human being, but the society we are born into follows an almost movie-like cliche of binary variation between individual human beings: either male or female. Each is neatly differentiated by a specific set of reproductive organs, surrounded by myths, preconceptions and tired old jokes, expected to find an individual with the other set of reproductive organs and to produce offspring. And all was well.
Unfortunately Mother Nature/evolution doesn't work like that. Things like sex chromosomes, gender, biological sex, determination of sex and hermaphroditism form a fluid continuum throughout the Animal Kingdom. Whatever works goes. Cliches bred in oppressive human systems have no relevance on reality. Yet human society has imposed its own meta-reality on top of this reality. What used to have many shades of grey now only has two very distinct shades of black and white. And thus all of us - the shades of grey - vanish into the Aether.
I'm being forced to defend in just over a week again that I as an intersex individual not only exist, but should also be recognized as such and acknowledged to have the same human rights as every other... well, human. This to me indicates that society in general, or at least the medical and political systems governing it, do not recognize me as being a human being. I do not get those human rights, ergo I'm not human. Just like how African slaves in the old USA and elsewhere were considered to be inferior humans, more beasts, and thus didn't deserve to be treated like a human being.
What I did get offered, was to essentially commit suicide. I'd have to give up my physical body and the emotional and other attachments I might have to it. The brainwashing by physicians and psychologists was supposed to take care of this. This is the same thing which happens to many intersex infants every day again, world-wide. Yet they do not even have the reasoning power or awareness to realize that being forced to adopt a sex and accompanying gender role is a violation of not only basic human rights. It violates the basic tenet of being a living, breathing being: to survive and to thrive.
Yet refuse and you find yourself cast out of society, in so many ways. Sure, I still pay my taxes, have a place I live in and shop at the local grocery store like everyone else, but that's just this shell which is tolerated to exist. Me as a person, a human being, a living, breathing being who might want to feel acceptance and joy at least once in a while...
Giving up this body and mind would lead to acceptance, refusing to give it up, leads to being cast out and shunned. Doomed if you do, doomed if you don't.
Revolution has a nice ring to it.
Maya
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