In previous writings I have mentioned this 'second puberty' that I felt that I was experiencing, but after looking it more closely, it's more of an excessively drawn out puberty. When using the commonly used Tanner scale [1][2] and putting it alongside the symptoms which I have noticed since the age of 11, I can now clearly see the struggle my body went through over the decades.
Age 11 was when I noticed early breast development, along with my hips beginning to widen. Over time both this female and male secondary development slowed to where I was left in essentially in a Tanner III stage, with neither full breast development nor any of the typical male characteristics, aside from the development of penis. As the biopsy of the removed testicles in 2011 showed, they had never entered the spermagenesis stage of development.
At this point in time, the female side of my body appeared to be stuck in a Tanner II or III stage when it came to the breasts, but with no clear development of the vagina into the multi-layer structure yet [3], as judged by the near-dozen MRI scans that were made of that region between 2007 and 2014. These showed the vaginal structure in the lateral views, running from the perineum to the top of the bladder, but without the characteristic 'H'-shaped structure when looked at it in the top-down views.
The clear presence of a vagina indicates that the testicles while present did not produce sufficient Anti-Müllerian hormone (AMH) to have terminated development of the müllerian (paramesonephric) ducts that would go on to develop the upper part of the the vagina, the uterus and surrounding structures. Though the top one-third of the vagina appears to be present in those MRI scans, a uterus cannot be distinguished on them, nor ovaries.
Clearly, the interesting thing is that after puberty ground to a halt in my early teenage years, it seems to have resumed again in 2015, 3-4 years after the late 2011 orchiectomy that saw those undeveloped testicles removed. This may hold clues as to why the hormone replacement therapy (HRT) (with estradiol) seemed to have very little effect on my body, despite being on it from 2007 to 2014. Some triggers appear to have been missing.
This led to the sudden estradiol overdose effect when the estradiol sensitivity of my body apparently became significant, with female development akin to Tanner IV and V taking place over the course of the past four years. Most noticeable being the significant growth of the breasts, going from a small A cup to a regular B (so far), in the complete absence of HRT, with seemingly my body winding its way through the Tanner V stage towards full maturation as an adult female. It's also noticeable in my hips and overall body and skin tone.
The abdominal swelling and suspected ascites that started around 2015 appears to be linked with this as well. As part of female puberty involves the enlarging and development of the vagina, uterus and ovaries, this could provide hints as to why I am having these pains and sensations of discomfort in my abdomen and perineum. Considering my unusual physiology, any such changes to organs and randomly distributed tissues in my abdomen could easily lead to ascites as abdominal tissues respond to these changes in a negative way.
What would be interesting at this point is to have a new abdominal MRI scan made, as the first scan since before the resumption of puberty. Could one now see an adult vaginal structure, including the multi-layer mucosa, surrounded by a bright, white line? Is the uterus truly missing, or did some vestigial tissues there respond and grow? What would have happened to the ovarian tissue that's likely also present in my abdomen, as evidenced by my natural estradiol cycle (recorded in early 2018 by a gynaecologist)?
At this point I'm on a low-sodium diet in an attempt to keep the ascites-like symptoms under control, which seems to have a positive effect. Heading back into the fray of the medical system is not something which I am looking forward to, however. Though my body is very clear at this point about finishing up the development of these secondary female characteristics, the medical system and the people in it doesn't appear to have evolved to the point where a hermaphroditic intersex person doesn't simply get laughed away as 'yet another transsexual'.
That's a trauma which I'm absolutely not looking forward to facing again, and is essentially the reason why despite me feeling practically pregnant with these ascites symptoms I haven't bothered to see a doctor about it again this year.
As for my body, I do hope that it will follow a natural course here. Simply finish up this whole puberty thing after what feels like a lifetime and leave me with nothing more serious than the issue of the still closed-off vagina and the monthly discomfort and agony. Though I am on a contraception pill now to suppress most of those symptoms, I'm well aware of this not being a fix but instead merely treating the symptoms.
Maya
[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tanner_scale
[2] https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/stages-of-puberty
[3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puberty#Vagina,_uterus,_ovaries
[4] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-M%C3%BCllerian_hormone
Tuesday, 19 November 2019
Wednesday, 6 November 2019
Why transhumanism is wrong and humans are terrible at being human
The essence of life and the human condition have been two things which have been on my mind since a young age. Not merely that of any meaning which one could ascribe to existence itself, or the state of being alive. No, the biggest question to me has always been what it means to be human. Over the years it's become painfully obvious to me that people conflate the fact of possessing a human (biological) body with actually being human. While the latter requires the former, the former does not imply the latter.
To be human is to have an awareness of one's feelings and emotions, along with the perception and empathy with other people's feelings. It means a purity of mind, of a desire to move away from the harshness of the natural world in which our species evolved, towards a world in which joy and happiness are paramount and eternal. Even if it is not achievable in our lifetime, we will nevertheless persevere, because that's what it means to be human.
The premise behind transhumanism is that we humans as a species are fundamentally limited by our bodies and minds, and that only by somehow transcending these limitations, we can become something more, something better. This dogmatic view ignores the fundamental truth that for thousands of years now there have been human beings around who have excelled or excel at being human. Because they have found and embraced their humanity. We don't need to change, we merely need to discover what we already have right now.
Similarly, humanity as a whole is confused, struggling with itself as it cannot seem to find its humanity. Even though society as a whole is gradually moving closer to this ideal humanistic world, it's not hard to find examples of those who make this transition harder than it should be. The most egregious example of this being the wanton cruelty inflicted upon others, especially the cruelty inflicted in the name of human-made rules, such as austerity programs, religions and other dogmatic systems.
To be human is to want more goodness and fewer worries for everyone. That's why we humans invented healthcare, discovered vaccines and antibiotics, as well as ways to repair a body damaged by disease or injury. Because fundamentally a human being does not believe in suffering. Not that of themselves, nor that of others.
Maybe I am wrong about every human having this capability to feel and empathise. Maybe it is indeed merely a fluke in a vanishingly small percentage of humanity which allows these individuals to only selflessly desire change for the good of humankind. Yet I do not see how changing our bodies or even achieving immortality of our bodies would make us more human. That's where I see that transhumanism is completely missing the point.
What we need to understand better is how humanism exists within a person. Whether it's indeed this fluke, in which case humanity as a whole would never achieve the level of understanding and empathy that is required for the humanist dream. Meanwhile, we will continue to take away worries for many, even if it's the unintended fallout from actions by the selfish and wealthy. Healthcare will improve, diseases will fade, life-threatening diseases and injuries will become routine operations. Death becoming a thing of the past.
But will it be part of the humanist dream, of humanity collectively realising its humanity and finding enlightenment that way? Or will it be the dystopian nightmare continuing well into this future, with the vanishingly small minority of the haves ruling over the have-nots, showing that humanity has not progressed a millimeter since the heydays of the Industrial Revolution or long before that?
I will keep the humanist's dream alive, even if it's just inside my heart. I hope many more people will do the same.
Maya
To be human is to have an awareness of one's feelings and emotions, along with the perception and empathy with other people's feelings. It means a purity of mind, of a desire to move away from the harshness of the natural world in which our species evolved, towards a world in which joy and happiness are paramount and eternal. Even if it is not achievable in our lifetime, we will nevertheless persevere, because that's what it means to be human.
The premise behind transhumanism is that we humans as a species are fundamentally limited by our bodies and minds, and that only by somehow transcending these limitations, we can become something more, something better. This dogmatic view ignores the fundamental truth that for thousands of years now there have been human beings around who have excelled or excel at being human. Because they have found and embraced their humanity. We don't need to change, we merely need to discover what we already have right now.
Similarly, humanity as a whole is confused, struggling with itself as it cannot seem to find its humanity. Even though society as a whole is gradually moving closer to this ideal humanistic world, it's not hard to find examples of those who make this transition harder than it should be. The most egregious example of this being the wanton cruelty inflicted upon others, especially the cruelty inflicted in the name of human-made rules, such as austerity programs, religions and other dogmatic systems.
To be human is to want more goodness and fewer worries for everyone. That's why we humans invented healthcare, discovered vaccines and antibiotics, as well as ways to repair a body damaged by disease or injury. Because fundamentally a human being does not believe in suffering. Not that of themselves, nor that of others.
Maybe I am wrong about every human having this capability to feel and empathise. Maybe it is indeed merely a fluke in a vanishingly small percentage of humanity which allows these individuals to only selflessly desire change for the good of humankind. Yet I do not see how changing our bodies or even achieving immortality of our bodies would make us more human. That's where I see that transhumanism is completely missing the point.
What we need to understand better is how humanism exists within a person. Whether it's indeed this fluke, in which case humanity as a whole would never achieve the level of understanding and empathy that is required for the humanist dream. Meanwhile, we will continue to take away worries for many, even if it's the unintended fallout from actions by the selfish and wealthy. Healthcare will improve, diseases will fade, life-threatening diseases and injuries will become routine operations. Death becoming a thing of the past.
But will it be part of the humanist dream, of humanity collectively realising its humanity and finding enlightenment that way? Or will it be the dystopian nightmare continuing well into this future, with the vanishingly small minority of the haves ruling over the have-nots, showing that humanity has not progressed a millimeter since the heydays of the Industrial Revolution or long before that?
I will keep the humanist's dream alive, even if it's just inside my heart. I hope many more people will do the same.
Maya
Wednesday, 30 October 2019
Moments when one truly is alive
Perhaps the most ironic thing about feeling alive is that it's something of which is only truly aware when the numbness of merely existing subsides. When one's thoughts during the day consist mostly out of reminders of one's duty and unpleasant recollections of previous failures, the world around you will keep turning a shade more grey and dull every moment. When one feels haunted by one's past, more rocks keep getting added to this weight that is slowly crushing one's soul and spirit.
To then be reminded of what it is like to feel alive is both a wondrously amazing and yet exceedingly excruciating experience. While feeling the lightness, colours and happiness flood one's system, it is impossible to not start crying. To release the pain, to celebrate the feeling of being alive and to embrace the warmth of hope and faith. That there is more to this world than duty and repressing past failures and traumas. That life can be a world filled with merry laughter and warmth.
Remembering those moments when one is only distantly aware of the fact that one's body is really, that this world in which this body exists and moves around in is real. What's real, after all?
Haunted by the pain of the past, of being lied to and deceived. One remembers being a boy, only one wasn't a boy. That was all a lie. One remembers being told things by doctors. By psychologists. By random people. One's mind briefly revisits childhood traumas. One tries to remember that although all of it was real once, it is now in the past. It all blends together into this frantic and unrelenting assault on one's sanity. Past. Present. Future. Which way is which again?
Some rare moments I can feel my spirit lifted up and the bleakness of merely existing lifted through unexpected means. Such as through a well-written love story, where the characters truly feel like they could exist and their struggles and relationship feels genuine. Or a bitter-sweet film, where self-sacrifice somehow offers hope to many others. Moments when one can feel the raw emotions welling up inside of one's chest, with nothing in between to deaden or hide it. Suddenly everything all seems so clear and the world so full of life.
It makes one feel that life is indeed worth living. Not out of duty or obligation, but because one is filled with the passion of life, and one is a human being who can experience all of those aspects of life, while sharing those experiences with others.
It's such a difference from living with the bleakness of merely existing and false hope. When the euphoria wears off again, it's all too easy to slip back into the shadows. Feel the warm glow of loving and being loved back slowly cool and fade until it feels fake and forced. Accept that it was all just a play of one's emotions, unrelated to reason and one's humanity. Or was it?
Maybe it are those moments when we truly allow our humanity to shine through, when we are no longer bound by the shackles our minds have created over the years. Accepting this would however highlight the tragedy of most 'social gatherings', which appear to be driven primarily out of duty and obligation, not because it is truly because we want it, or because it makes us feel alive.
Can you feel the pain inside? Can you feel the weight crushing your spirit, even as you lie to yourself? Again?
Are you happy? Do you feel alive? Do you want to cry in rage and pain?
Do you feel like sobbing uncontrollably in joy? Do you feel your heart overflowing with love?
Do you feel human?
Do you exist?
Are you alive?
Maya
To then be reminded of what it is like to feel alive is both a wondrously amazing and yet exceedingly excruciating experience. While feeling the lightness, colours and happiness flood one's system, it is impossible to not start crying. To release the pain, to celebrate the feeling of being alive and to embrace the warmth of hope and faith. That there is more to this world than duty and repressing past failures and traumas. That life can be a world filled with merry laughter and warmth.
Remembering those moments when one is only distantly aware of the fact that one's body is really, that this world in which this body exists and moves around in is real. What's real, after all?
Haunted by the pain of the past, of being lied to and deceived. One remembers being a boy, only one wasn't a boy. That was all a lie. One remembers being told things by doctors. By psychologists. By random people. One's mind briefly revisits childhood traumas. One tries to remember that although all of it was real once, it is now in the past. It all blends together into this frantic and unrelenting assault on one's sanity. Past. Present. Future. Which way is which again?
Some rare moments I can feel my spirit lifted up and the bleakness of merely existing lifted through unexpected means. Such as through a well-written love story, where the characters truly feel like they could exist and their struggles and relationship feels genuine. Or a bitter-sweet film, where self-sacrifice somehow offers hope to many others. Moments when one can feel the raw emotions welling up inside of one's chest, with nothing in between to deaden or hide it. Suddenly everything all seems so clear and the world so full of life.
It makes one feel that life is indeed worth living. Not out of duty or obligation, but because one is filled with the passion of life, and one is a human being who can experience all of those aspects of life, while sharing those experiences with others.
It's such a difference from living with the bleakness of merely existing and false hope. When the euphoria wears off again, it's all too easy to slip back into the shadows. Feel the warm glow of loving and being loved back slowly cool and fade until it feels fake and forced. Accept that it was all just a play of one's emotions, unrelated to reason and one's humanity. Or was it?
Maybe it are those moments when we truly allow our humanity to shine through, when we are no longer bound by the shackles our minds have created over the years. Accepting this would however highlight the tragedy of most 'social gatherings', which appear to be driven primarily out of duty and obligation, not because it is truly because we want it, or because it makes us feel alive.
Can you feel the pain inside? Can you feel the weight crushing your spirit, even as you lie to yourself? Again?
Are you happy? Do you feel alive? Do you want to cry in rage and pain?
Do you feel like sobbing uncontrollably in joy? Do you feel your heart overflowing with love?
Do you feel human?
Do you exist?
Are you alive?
Maya
Monday, 28 October 2019
Happy human humanism
There's always been a significant amount of chatter and debate on the nature of humankind, and the state as well as the direction of society. Whether we talk about the glory days of the Akkadian Empire, the Babylonian era that followed it, the pip-squeak nations and empires of the Ancient Greek and Romans, or the fresh-faced societies that appeared after medieval times in Europe, many a philosopher, politician and common folk have seen fit to comment on those points.
A big constant in those many thousands of years has been the struggle between essentially the supernatural and rational schools of thoughts. One advocating humankind and this Earth as some kind of set piece in a game between supernatural beings that far exceed our capability of reason and power. The latter advocating humankind as individuals in a world that can only be understood if regarded and interpreted in a rational, logical fashion. The former school of thought promotes religion and so-called spiritualism. The latter is commonly referred to as humanism.
When it comes to my own views, it has likely helped that I grew up in an environment where religion was practically absent, and critical thought encouraged. Unshackled by views forced onto me while still developing my thinking skills, I have always found the concept of humankind being a set piece somewhat ridiculous. It was quite obvious to me that everything that I could see around me and see on television was humans doing things to other human beings. Whether they were nice or not so nice things.
The main issue I see with the non-rational school of thought when it comes to humankind's position in this world is that there is no evidence to support it. Though many are adamant that there's 'something more' and that 'some things cannot be explained', scientific progress over the past centuries has shown that the only place where this way of thinking truly flourishes is within the gaps of our knowledge and understanding. Religion and spiritualism are therefore symptoms of ignorance where our brain tries to fill in the gaps, finding patterns and understanding where there is none.
Realistically, I have always been a humanist, in the sense that I acknowledge that there are no higher powers other than us humans, with societies shaped by our intellectual capabilities and our other defining features. There are no gods or mysterious forces to take into account. No gods to communicate with or take orders from. Our lives are not determined by supernatural beings, but our own to live and decide about. Mostly, that is.
While in essence we can decide about our own fate and lives, sadly too many in society are born, grow up and will die in a society that is in every way as restrictive as the gods of religious texts could impose on their followers. The cruelty of religious and other dogma, that of induced economical scarcity of resources, the denying of education, healthcare, affordable housing and a happy existence based on one's social status, etc. All of those things are inflicted by human beings upon other human beings.
Nobody told them to do those things. Much like with the horrors inflicted during war time, the horrors we inflict upon others during peace time happen because at some point societies and groups of people become more than just individuals, and irrational rules and laws take on their own life, perpetuated in a system that's both formed out of individual human beings, and which strips those same individuals from their ability to self-determinism, freedom and all too often happiness.
The injustices in modern society are simply too many. Yet we humans keep finding ways to get around fixing them. Whether it's tradition, pure inertia or simply a sense of helplessness. We can see a family become homeless through no fault of their own and struggle for survival on the streets. We can walk past a beggar without a shred of guilt. We watch armed conflicts on the news with emotional detachment, even as pictures of dead and starving civilians pass by. Because those things simply happen, and we as an individual are powerless to do anything about it.
In a sense things like nationalism, greed, egoism, cognitive bias and so on are at the core of society's problems. They are problems because they are not rational and therefore unhelpful or even outright harmful. They impede progress, are the very reason behind conflict and the rejection of new ideas.
If I hold a belief it is that I believe that although humans are the very cause of most human suffering, those same humans also have the capability to prevent and end this suffering. By making a fairer society that's based on reason and intellectualism, one could create a world in which it truly does not matter what kind of environment one is born into. Instead of a dystopian society where your social station and success in life depends on your birth and matching the right requirements to qualify for preferential treatment, we could have a society in which needless suffering is eradicated.
It could be a society where any problem by an individual is seen as a problem for the entire society, with everyone pitching in to their abilities to resolve the problem. A society which works towards a common goal of making life better for everyone, instead of giving you a 'tough cookies' if your ability to self-exploit yourself for progressing in society isn't quite strong enough.
Here I think that a society as portrayed in the original Star Trek series (especially The Next Generation) hits many of the right notes, where people live to improve themselves, not because they must, but because they want to. They aren't being forced to exploit themselves through working menial and unwanted jobs, but they are motivated to seek the parts of themselves which they'd like to improve, regardless of whether it's in social studies, art, medicine, or some branch of science.
I think the most wonderful thing about that vision is that it'd finally end the role of our animal past, putting behaviour and simple hormonal needs behind us and instead finally embracing our humanity.
Maya
A big constant in those many thousands of years has been the struggle between essentially the supernatural and rational schools of thoughts. One advocating humankind and this Earth as some kind of set piece in a game between supernatural beings that far exceed our capability of reason and power. The latter advocating humankind as individuals in a world that can only be understood if regarded and interpreted in a rational, logical fashion. The former school of thought promotes religion and so-called spiritualism. The latter is commonly referred to as humanism.
When it comes to my own views, it has likely helped that I grew up in an environment where religion was practically absent, and critical thought encouraged. Unshackled by views forced onto me while still developing my thinking skills, I have always found the concept of humankind being a set piece somewhat ridiculous. It was quite obvious to me that everything that I could see around me and see on television was humans doing things to other human beings. Whether they were nice or not so nice things.
The main issue I see with the non-rational school of thought when it comes to humankind's position in this world is that there is no evidence to support it. Though many are adamant that there's 'something more' and that 'some things cannot be explained', scientific progress over the past centuries has shown that the only place where this way of thinking truly flourishes is within the gaps of our knowledge and understanding. Religion and spiritualism are therefore symptoms of ignorance where our brain tries to fill in the gaps, finding patterns and understanding where there is none.
Realistically, I have always been a humanist, in the sense that I acknowledge that there are no higher powers other than us humans, with societies shaped by our intellectual capabilities and our other defining features. There are no gods or mysterious forces to take into account. No gods to communicate with or take orders from. Our lives are not determined by supernatural beings, but our own to live and decide about. Mostly, that is.
While in essence we can decide about our own fate and lives, sadly too many in society are born, grow up and will die in a society that is in every way as restrictive as the gods of religious texts could impose on their followers. The cruelty of religious and other dogma, that of induced economical scarcity of resources, the denying of education, healthcare, affordable housing and a happy existence based on one's social status, etc. All of those things are inflicted by human beings upon other human beings.
Nobody told them to do those things. Much like with the horrors inflicted during war time, the horrors we inflict upon others during peace time happen because at some point societies and groups of people become more than just individuals, and irrational rules and laws take on their own life, perpetuated in a system that's both formed out of individual human beings, and which strips those same individuals from their ability to self-determinism, freedom and all too often happiness.
The injustices in modern society are simply too many. Yet we humans keep finding ways to get around fixing them. Whether it's tradition, pure inertia or simply a sense of helplessness. We can see a family become homeless through no fault of their own and struggle for survival on the streets. We can walk past a beggar without a shred of guilt. We watch armed conflicts on the news with emotional detachment, even as pictures of dead and starving civilians pass by. Because those things simply happen, and we as an individual are powerless to do anything about it.
In a sense things like nationalism, greed, egoism, cognitive bias and so on are at the core of society's problems. They are problems because they are not rational and therefore unhelpful or even outright harmful. They impede progress, are the very reason behind conflict and the rejection of new ideas.
If I hold a belief it is that I believe that although humans are the very cause of most human suffering, those same humans also have the capability to prevent and end this suffering. By making a fairer society that's based on reason and intellectualism, one could create a world in which it truly does not matter what kind of environment one is born into. Instead of a dystopian society where your social station and success in life depends on your birth and matching the right requirements to qualify for preferential treatment, we could have a society in which needless suffering is eradicated.
It could be a society where any problem by an individual is seen as a problem for the entire society, with everyone pitching in to their abilities to resolve the problem. A society which works towards a common goal of making life better for everyone, instead of giving you a 'tough cookies' if your ability to self-exploit yourself for progressing in society isn't quite strong enough.
Here I think that a society as portrayed in the original Star Trek series (especially The Next Generation) hits many of the right notes, where people live to improve themselves, not because they must, but because they want to. They aren't being forced to exploit themselves through working menial and unwanted jobs, but they are motivated to seek the parts of themselves which they'd like to improve, regardless of whether it's in social studies, art, medicine, or some branch of science.
I think the most wonderful thing about that vision is that it'd finally end the role of our animal past, putting behaviour and simple hormonal needs behind us and instead finally embracing our humanity.
Maya
Thursday, 10 October 2019
Identity unknown
Everything changes. I feel myself dragged along with the changes.
A home. Work. Fading stress.
New questions. Restless feelings and emotions.
Every day trying to convince myself to do the work that needs doing, yet feeling ever more unsettled by feelings of hopelessness and despair.
What's the meaning of the work I do? Of the projects I do in my spare time? Though it feels okay while I can push myself into doing some writing and programming, it's hard to see it all go anywhere. To see a future.
I cannot even see myself any more. Or maybe I never really did. This body of mine sometimes feels like that of a stranger. Other times I can just feel helpless rage and incredible sadness when I consider this body. When I consider being intersex and the many years of doctors and psychologists forcing the identity of a transsexual male on me instead of listening to me and performing medical tests, I just want to scream and cry.
The traumas and confusion of the past decades blur together even as I can still see the good memories during those years through my tears.
Every day I can feel that something isn't right inside my body as it goes through its monthly cycle. The constant distension that keeps worsening along with weight gain. The pain and discomfort in the lower abdomen and perineum that only subsides briefly after each cycle.
I should go to a doctor with it. Just like I have been trying for the past years. Last year started off with me getting exploratory surgery to investigate these pains, but like with every examination attempt but the proper surgery in 2011, nothing ever results from it. I cannot motivate myself any more to consider going to a doctor at this point, as it'd only add to the pain and trauma.
I have had a few people contact me who told me that they're intersex. They invariably ask for advice and help. Yet what can I offer there? Just tales of trauma and disappointment. Of decades wasted on ignorant, arrogant doctors and kin, and a lifetime of regrets for having wasted so many years on what turned out to be fruitless? I failed to find help. I can do nothing more about this intersex thing except hope that it doesn't cause real medical problems beyond chronic pain at some point.
Life would have been so much better if I wasn't born intersex. If intersex didn't exist. If it all just went up and vanished. Just like all of this other gender and sexuality and related nonsense. All it means to me is pain and suffering. I hate all of it. I wish I could just rip it out of my body. Become just a human being and leave the suffering behind that come with those disgusting things.
In some parallel universe I guess there was a me who did write that autobiography, didn't waste years on the useless medical system and who is doing pretty darn well. As for the me in this universe, I guess that person will be struggling month after month to keep up the energy to make enough to pay the rent and food, while still dreaming of a future in which everything will be better, without struggling and worries about health and such.
It's nice to be able to lie to oneself to not lose all hope.
Maya
A home. Work. Fading stress.
New questions. Restless feelings and emotions.
Every day trying to convince myself to do the work that needs doing, yet feeling ever more unsettled by feelings of hopelessness and despair.
What's the meaning of the work I do? Of the projects I do in my spare time? Though it feels okay while I can push myself into doing some writing and programming, it's hard to see it all go anywhere. To see a future.
I cannot even see myself any more. Or maybe I never really did. This body of mine sometimes feels like that of a stranger. Other times I can just feel helpless rage and incredible sadness when I consider this body. When I consider being intersex and the many years of doctors and psychologists forcing the identity of a transsexual male on me instead of listening to me and performing medical tests, I just want to scream and cry.
The traumas and confusion of the past decades blur together even as I can still see the good memories during those years through my tears.
Every day I can feel that something isn't right inside my body as it goes through its monthly cycle. The constant distension that keeps worsening along with weight gain. The pain and discomfort in the lower abdomen and perineum that only subsides briefly after each cycle.
I should go to a doctor with it. Just like I have been trying for the past years. Last year started off with me getting exploratory surgery to investigate these pains, but like with every examination attempt but the proper surgery in 2011, nothing ever results from it. I cannot motivate myself any more to consider going to a doctor at this point, as it'd only add to the pain and trauma.
I have had a few people contact me who told me that they're intersex. They invariably ask for advice and help. Yet what can I offer there? Just tales of trauma and disappointment. Of decades wasted on ignorant, arrogant doctors and kin, and a lifetime of regrets for having wasted so many years on what turned out to be fruitless? I failed to find help. I can do nothing more about this intersex thing except hope that it doesn't cause real medical problems beyond chronic pain at some point.
Life would have been so much better if I wasn't born intersex. If intersex didn't exist. If it all just went up and vanished. Just like all of this other gender and sexuality and related nonsense. All it means to me is pain and suffering. I hate all of it. I wish I could just rip it out of my body. Become just a human being and leave the suffering behind that come with those disgusting things.
In some parallel universe I guess there was a me who did write that autobiography, didn't waste years on the useless medical system and who is doing pretty darn well. As for the me in this universe, I guess that person will be struggling month after month to keep up the energy to make enough to pay the rent and food, while still dreaming of a future in which everything will be better, without struggling and worries about health and such.
It's nice to be able to lie to oneself to not lose all hope.
Maya
Saturday, 31 August 2019
PTSD and mazes with only dead-ends
Admitting to something being wrong is the first step. Doing something about it is the second step. Both are essential. That's where PTSD therapy is essential. It's all very obvious and clear-cut. Admit the problem, get treatment. As neat and orderly as running unarmed into a war zone and getting gunned down. Nothing about it is clear-cut. It's just another phase in a war that seemingly won't ever end.
Though I have had psychotherapy for my PTSD at my current therapist for over a year now, it's only recently that my therapist deemed my current situation stable enough that we could start with the actual PTSD treatment, in the form of trauma (memory) integration therapy. This essentially involves digging out memories to create an ever more coherent timeline of memories, to ultimately approach and explore the traumatic memories.
I have forgotten so much. No, not forgotten, but tossed to the side, not thought about them, because they weren't important. Memories of being a child, of growing up, of looking at the future ahead of me. Of the person who I was, and who and what I thought I would become. This PTSD-induced narrative that my mind evolved over the years is however pervasive.
It's hard to put it into words. Probably mostly because the trauma-induced narrative that one's brain produces isn't rational. That's why one often feels so frustrated and angry with oneself, because what should be easy and clear just isn't working, or takes much longer than it should. Things that are easy for others seem complicated and take up a lot of energy. Thus one feels angry with oneself. Blames oneself.
Others will perceive this frustration and anger as being targeted at them, or interpret your internal struggles as you being slow or inattentive. The resulting external struggles in addition to one's internal struggles leads one to feel as though one is trapped inside a maze with the exit visible behind many doors, only to see them slammed close before they can get to them. Because they're too slow. Because they don't measure up. Because there's no reason for you to keep trying any more. Because it's better to give up.
This week's first trauma integration session already loosened up a lot of memories that I had thought gone or buried. Many impressions and sensations I haven't experienced in years. The flood of emotions that comes with this is overwhelming. And this is just the beginning.
I thought I knew who I was. The child back then thought it knew who it was. Now it's time to pull on all those loose threads and see what happens.
Maya
Though I have had psychotherapy for my PTSD at my current therapist for over a year now, it's only recently that my therapist deemed my current situation stable enough that we could start with the actual PTSD treatment, in the form of trauma (memory) integration therapy. This essentially involves digging out memories to create an ever more coherent timeline of memories, to ultimately approach and explore the traumatic memories.
I have forgotten so much. No, not forgotten, but tossed to the side, not thought about them, because they weren't important. Memories of being a child, of growing up, of looking at the future ahead of me. Of the person who I was, and who and what I thought I would become. This PTSD-induced narrative that my mind evolved over the years is however pervasive.
It's hard to put it into words. Probably mostly because the trauma-induced narrative that one's brain produces isn't rational. That's why one often feels so frustrated and angry with oneself, because what should be easy and clear just isn't working, or takes much longer than it should. Things that are easy for others seem complicated and take up a lot of energy. Thus one feels angry with oneself. Blames oneself.
Others will perceive this frustration and anger as being targeted at them, or interpret your internal struggles as you being slow or inattentive. The resulting external struggles in addition to one's internal struggles leads one to feel as though one is trapped inside a maze with the exit visible behind many doors, only to see them slammed close before they can get to them. Because they're too slow. Because they don't measure up. Because there's no reason for you to keep trying any more. Because it's better to give up.
This week's first trauma integration session already loosened up a lot of memories that I had thought gone or buried. Many impressions and sensations I haven't experienced in years. The flood of emotions that comes with this is overwhelming. And this is just the beginning.
I thought I knew who I was. The child back then thought it knew who it was. Now it's time to pull on all those loose threads and see what happens.
Maya
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