Erasure of intersex identity through enforcing of transsexuality identity

The questions regarding my treatment as an intersex person at the hands of medical and mental health professionals over the past years have been, and still are, a strong motivator in researching exactly what it was that made this group of professionals persistently apply the wrong diagnosis ('transsexuality') even when the medical evidence made it obvious that my body is indeed that of an intersex person. As has become abundantly clear by now with the changes to my body's phenotype (courtesy of a nearly finished puberty), my intersex condition most closely matches that of a true hermaphrodite, in the rare sub-form without ovotestes, but with separate testicular and ovarian tissue.

What was it that made these professionals consistently fail to diagnose this condition, even after two independent medical opinions based on a 2007 MRI scan both confirmed this condition, followed by a 2011 exploratory surgery which again confirmed this intersex condition?


While understanding the true motivations behind their decisions and reasoning will never be truly possible, to me the most worrying aspect is that the underlying motivations can only truly be based on either ignorance or malice. Here ignorance can lead to the subject doing harm while being convinced that they are doing the right thing. Malice on the other hand has the subject well-aware of the fact that their actions are doing harm, but an overriding factor (ego) makes this harm seem irrelevant in light of higher goals.

So then, what reason could one have to so consistently get things wrong? One conceivable reason is that when I first visited a Dutch gender team, in 2005, I had nothing but suspicions, and their knowledge of intersex was limited to the harmful drivel in the WPATH standard and kin [1]. As back then my puberty hadn't really progressed yet into a level where my female phenotype was undeniable, I seemed to not fit into their 'intersex' category ('true hermaphroditism' being quite rare), and thus got put into the 'transsexual' category instead.

This is supported by the subsequent talks with psychologists at that gender team, who all kept pushing me to finally admit that I was a boy who wanted to become a girl, even as I struggled to see myself as anything other than a child at that point in time. Just a child who wanted to understand their body.

Across multiple Dutch gender teams and a number of specialists both in the Netherlands and elsewhere, the same assumptions were made:

• I was biologically male.
• I wanted to become a woman.

The Dutch gender teams had refused to communicate with their (German) colleagues who had judged the first MRI scan. Instead they would come up with contradicting opinions to the original reports, refuting any points that would disprove this assumption of me having a male biology. The results of the 2011 surgery (surgery report & biopsy findings of the testicular tissue) would end up not swaying their opinions either.

The second point was something which I had never expressed. My question to the gender teams and other specialists had been to help me figure out what was going on with my body, as it had become quite apparent to me that it wasn't a male body. Yet for some reason this got ignored. It is very likely that in the end it was cognitive bias on the end of the people who I talked to and who judged over my case that made them incapable of understanding what I was asking of them.

By one psychiatrist especially it was hammered in that I couldn't be intersex, and that if I wanted to get any help, I had to pretend to be transsexual. By that time I was feeling so emotionally worn out that even faking being transsexual seemed like an acceptable alternative to getting answers to all the questions which I still had about my body. Even if looking back I knew it would have been a catastrophically poor choice.


So the cognitive bias, that makes these specialists try to cram everything and everyone into a 'transsexual' category seems to be at fault, then? In the most forgiving, in a 'the road to Hell is paved with good intentions' kind of sense, definitely. While one cannot discount the possibility of malicious intent, it would not have changed the damage that would have been inflicted by a scenario due to sheer ignorance and the blinders of cognitive bias.

This concerns damage that centers mostly around the following:

• Ignoring phenotype: enforcing the illusion of an incorrect phenotype.
• Ignoring intent: assuming desires that are not present, ignoring actual intent.
• Identity erasure: the use of brainwashing to accept the other side's suggestions as their own will.

Feeling in contact with one's body is essential if one wants to be emotionally resilient [2]. By reinforcing the illusion of me having a male phenotype, I became more susceptible to their suggestions as I began to question what my own senses could perceive. By questioning my intent they attempted to coax me towards accepting their suggestions [3]. Ultimately I would have lost my own sense of self, of purpose and direction. Identity erased.

The irony in all of this probably has to be that as part of a transsexuality diagnosis, one gets accosted with accusations about one's gender, when no such thing exists [4]. I wouldn't be able to tell you back then whether I felt more 'male' or 'female' and these days the question seems even more ridiculous to me. All I ever wanted to be was myself, and that hasn't changed. After all, one's brain couldn't care less about one's phenotype or genitals, being all sex-less [5].


And that's it, I guess. Just one more shining example of human intelligence struggling to outperform its own shadow. Cognitive bias and ego getting in the way of providing help and answering questions. Just me at what appears to be the end of that particular medical and mental roller coaster, with nothing gained but PTSD and what feels like most of my life so far tossed away for no good reason.

It almost makes one want to cry.


Maya


[1] http://mayaposch.com/intersex-controversy.php
[2] https://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2019/12/the-body-anchors-reality.html
[3] https://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2020/01/the-eternal-war.html
[4] https://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2019/12/gender-is-social-contract-not-part-of.html
[5] https://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2019/12/your-brain-doesnt-care-what-genitals.html