One doesn't simply grow up to become an adult

Each of us is the product of our past. Every part of our childhood, teenage years and the years afterwards have left their mark on us, whether positive or negative. Our personalities have been shaped by these experiences, and the way that we responded to them back then. As a result, much of our behaviour as adults is the result of these earlier years. This shows us both why these years are so important, and also why it is so hard to change one's personality and behaviour afterwards.

Recently, a friend pointed me towards schema therapy [1], which is a form of integrative psychotherapy, aimed at addressing and treating personality disorders which result from such issues in one's past. The concept is that by reflecting on one's past and analysing one's current personality traits and behaviour, one can link the two, deducing the kind of deficit or traumas in one's past that led to these personality disorders.

Schema therapy uses the concept of 'modes', to group certain states of mind, differentiating between 'child' and 'parent' modes. The child mode is hereby essentially about one's own behaviour, whereas the parent mode is about how one judges one's own behaviour. Every adult human has a child and parent mode, which allows a healthy human being to switch between the responsible state of being an adult (healthy adult) with the carefree state of a healthy child during which the person can relax and have fun. The latter being crucial to avoiding burnout and other effects of stress.


Sometimes when reading stories or playing certain video games which have the themes of growing up into adulthood I can feel this understanding of what is involved in this process of growing up and learning to deal with not only oneself, but also others and society. It also makes me painfully aware of this child that found itself too afraid of contact with others because of childhood abuse to do anything but hide, read books and lose itself in the world of science and technology. A child whose emotional state of maturity is consequently wholly insufficient to match the demands of adulthood.

There are hints of 'healthy child' and 'healthy adult' in my behaviour, but what strongly resonates with me is the 'Vulnerable Child' mode, with the 'Detached Protector' as dysfunctional coping mechanism. Dysfunctional adult mode is the 'Punitive Parent'. Essentially this means a personality with at its core a child that tries its best, but finds itself falling short by the standards of its parent mode, with reprimands and other (perceived) signs of negativity or indifference from both the parent mode and one's environment triggering the dysfunctional coping mechanism.

"Detached Protector is based in escape. Patients in Detached Protector schema mode withdraw, dissociate, alienate, or hide in some way. This may be triggered by numerous stress factors or feelings of being overwhelmed. When a patient with insufficient skills is in a situation involving excessive demands, it can trigger a Detached Protector response mode. Stated simply, patients become numb in order to protect themselves from the harm or stress of what they fear is to come, or to protect themselves from fear of the unknown in general."

While obviously one cannot travel back into time to undo the events and choices that led to such a personality disorder, being aware of it is the first step towards being able to address it. For myself, the struggle to understand myself and my environment has been something with which I have dealt for most of my life. The perceived rejection by my environment, the sense of not living up to anyone's standards, as well as my difficulties with social interactions and relationships, all of it is making my life today so much harder than it should be.

One cannot just decide to become a healthy, functional adult. Most of the responsibility there lies with one's environment as one grows up, with especially the way one was treated and taught during the early formative years having laid the foundations of one's personality and sense of self.


One day I hope to find a way to become a better parent to myself, to the child that still finds itself trapped in this dark room, with the abuse and accusations still fresh in its mind.


Maya


[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_therapy