All too often life seems to be composed out of a collection of inevitabilities. Society being one of those things, and one's course through them. If one is lucky, one ends up on a boring path. With a standard issue healthy body, standard genetics, standard intelligence and growing up in a standard environment with standard friends, family, education and job prospects. This is a simple life, albeit without many personal challenges and opportunities to grow.
When I look back on my life so far, I really do think it'd be easier and briefer to list the things which were 'standard' for me, because everything else just had to be 'different' for some reason. I guess my appearance is pretty standard. Assuming I keep my clothes on, or at least a swimsuit. Just a normal looking Caucasian woman.
Obviously all of the physical, mental and sexual abuses that occurred since I was a young child are not 'standard issue'. Nor is me being a chimera, a hermaphrodite and intersex. Growing up in a world that worships binarism, growing up believing that one belongs to one part of this binary system, only to find out that one's curious puberty was the result of said chimaeric body, with the female side of the hybrid female/male stem cell lines ultimately asserting itself much stronger.
That's my reality. One of chimaeric bodies. Of the unique nature of the individual mind. The sickening awareness of how indoctrinated people in society are. Their delusions about binarism, with a binary gender, binary sex, of individuals belonging only to one side. That one's body down to one's very brain has to follow one of either pattern. With it the complete annihilation of my existence.
Their reality is not my reality.
They call it post-traumatic stress disorder. What it does is reshape your brain itself. Reform it forever. Change your view of the world so that you'll never feel safe or comfortable again. Try as you might, you're basically an alien trying to integrate into human society. You'll never get all of the nuances, even when your brain doesn't freak out over some perceived threat and starts dragging your mind back into reliving the past with flashbacks which feel more real than reality itself.
The reality I want to believe in is one where it is possible to feel safe. Where every person is treated and regarded as an individual. Not classified by their reproductive organs or convictions about their state in the Binarist system.
Where a person like myself can actually get medical help. Help that's still needed, as the recurrent traumas remind me of. To have it acknowledged that I'm a chimera, that I'm a hermaphrodite, that I do in fact have 'male' and 'female' reproductive organs. Those are things that have happened and which are more or less in my past now. But beyond this? I had to go through so many different channels to just get those things investigated and acknowledged.
In many ways I feel like an FGM victim. Although my vagina wasn't mutilated by doctors, I was born without even the small hole that'd allow fluids to drain. Instead my abdomen had to become a sanitary pad, while I apparently am denied even the option of intercourse, painful as it may be. Trying to get the reconstructive surgery to have anything done here at all has led to nothing for over a decade and counting. Instead I'm reminded over and over by doctors that I do not belong in their reality. I'm just a disorder, a freak, a rare disease. Something that isn't their problem.
What is my reality?
Having my mind regularly torn apart by another PTSD episode? Struggling to make ends meet every month? Dream of finishing my autobiography one day and this solving all my problems? Keep telling myself that life is worth living? Drift away from my body into a less painful version of reality?
Recently, in an online group I was hanging out in, a guy told about us about this one tenant who had lived in a flat his parents owned. When he and his mother went to check up on a tenant who was behind on her rent, they found out that she had committed suicide. Weeks earlier. He'd never forget the sight and smells in the bathroom where she had OD'ed on some pills. She was only in her early twenties.
We found ourselves wondering about what her life must have been like for things to end in such a gruesome fashion. It was a poor area of the city, so likely to do with poverty, crime and drug use. People who find themselves captured by a reality that's too bleak to face sober, until one day they either escape from it, or have the bleakness forever capture their heart.
Reality. Dreams. Wishing. Trauma. Pain. Life. Longing.
Much like butterflies we all wish to fly around freely. But some of us are captured. Trapped under glass. Pinned to bits of cork with cruel needles through our bodies. Prey for hungry predators.
Unless you're on the boring path, who is going to tell you how to play the game?
Maya
Showing posts with label autobiography. Show all posts
Showing posts with label autobiography. Show all posts
Tuesday, 6 October 2020
Thursday, 13 February 2020
On writing stories, creating audiobooks and my Patreon
Last year I set up a Patreon account [1], initially mostly to let folk who wish to support me in my efforts to write that autobiography that I have been blathering about since 2013. Over the past months this basic concept has transformed into something more, however.
I have been writing fiction since I was a child, finding myself initially inspired by writers like Stephen King, Dean Koontz and gradually expanding my horizon to include broad swathes of fantasy (Tolkien et al.), having found myself essentially reading mostly such fantasy works over the years, along with a range of classics (currently 'The Fountainhead' by Ayn Rand [2]).
Moving my own works of fiction from works in the style of Stephen King et al. into something more... original, I have found myself inspired to write about things that move me in some way. This is what led me to start writing a completely new version of Nintendo's Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, along with short stories such as 'A Dying Fire's Ember', the latter being inspired by a real-life story which I read by an ER doctor.
I also started a story called 'In Between and Neither' back in 2010 or so, about a young intersex girl, which turned out to be both original, yet close enough to my own story to be called semi-autobiographical. It led to a spin-off story called 'In Between: A Love Story', which was also inspired by something I read, combined with the concepts I had floating around for In Between and Neither.
I love writing stories, to see those worlds and characters come to life inside my head, as well as in the head of anyone who reads it. That's why it felt so natural to take it to the next step and start reading those stories for those who prefer audiobooks. For myself it's an interesting next step to move from the monk-like work of writing books to something more akin to acting. Not just reading the text, but trying to perform the story, with voices for each character and trying to get the intonation and inflection correct.
This is currently the primary type of content on my Patreon account, with most of those videos being made available on my YouTube channel [3] as well after a brief exclusive period for my patrons. Currently I'm working through the never-released original chapters 3 through 5 of In Between and Neither, which I rewrote after my suicide attempt in early 2011. As I intend to continue In Between and Neither's story and bring it to some kind of conclusion, I feel it's important that I compare both versions in this fashion, along with the feedback from my patrons and other viewers.
Working on getting some content published every week like this adds a kind of regularity that I feel is important for such creative work. Though I hardly have a massive following on Patreon at this moment, it is enough to inspire me to write more chapters of Ocarina of Time, more chapters of In Between and Neither, and to do my best to bring this old dream to fruition to make people experience new worlds and ideas through my stories. Meanwhile for folk who prefer to read their stories instead of listening to someone waffling into a microphone, there's also the Library section [4] on my website, which contains digital versions, with ePub versions gradually being made available as well.
Alongside all of this, I have resumed work on my autobiography, while feeling much happier with the new writing style and approach that I'm using for it. Before long, I hope to do readings of these autobiography chapters as well, though I'm likely to keep those exclusive to my patrons. At least for now. It's one thing to put fictional stories out in the open like that, after all, yet something else to put my own story out there, in a way that goes beyond even my ramblings on this blog.
Sometimes a story needs that bit more intimacy and shelter to grow properly, after all.
Maya
[1] https://www.patreon.com/MayaPosch
[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fountainhead
[3] https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCyuqprsuY8JyCTn4IgDbS8g
[4] http://mayaposch.com/library.php
I have been writing fiction since I was a child, finding myself initially inspired by writers like Stephen King, Dean Koontz and gradually expanding my horizon to include broad swathes of fantasy (Tolkien et al.), having found myself essentially reading mostly such fantasy works over the years, along with a range of classics (currently 'The Fountainhead' by Ayn Rand [2]).
Moving my own works of fiction from works in the style of Stephen King et al. into something more... original, I have found myself inspired to write about things that move me in some way. This is what led me to start writing a completely new version of Nintendo's Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, along with short stories such as 'A Dying Fire's Ember', the latter being inspired by a real-life story which I read by an ER doctor.
I also started a story called 'In Between and Neither' back in 2010 or so, about a young intersex girl, which turned out to be both original, yet close enough to my own story to be called semi-autobiographical. It led to a spin-off story called 'In Between: A Love Story', which was also inspired by something I read, combined with the concepts I had floating around for In Between and Neither.
I love writing stories, to see those worlds and characters come to life inside my head, as well as in the head of anyone who reads it. That's why it felt so natural to take it to the next step and start reading those stories for those who prefer audiobooks. For myself it's an interesting next step to move from the monk-like work of writing books to something more akin to acting. Not just reading the text, but trying to perform the story, with voices for each character and trying to get the intonation and inflection correct.
This is currently the primary type of content on my Patreon account, with most of those videos being made available on my YouTube channel [3] as well after a brief exclusive period for my patrons. Currently I'm working through the never-released original chapters 3 through 5 of In Between and Neither, which I rewrote after my suicide attempt in early 2011. As I intend to continue In Between and Neither's story and bring it to some kind of conclusion, I feel it's important that I compare both versions in this fashion, along with the feedback from my patrons and other viewers.
Working on getting some content published every week like this adds a kind of regularity that I feel is important for such creative work. Though I hardly have a massive following on Patreon at this moment, it is enough to inspire me to write more chapters of Ocarina of Time, more chapters of In Between and Neither, and to do my best to bring this old dream to fruition to make people experience new worlds and ideas through my stories. Meanwhile for folk who prefer to read their stories instead of listening to someone waffling into a microphone, there's also the Library section [4] on my website, which contains digital versions, with ePub versions gradually being made available as well.
Alongside all of this, I have resumed work on my autobiography, while feeling much happier with the new writing style and approach that I'm using for it. Before long, I hope to do readings of these autobiography chapters as well, though I'm likely to keep those exclusive to my patrons. At least for now. It's one thing to put fictional stories out in the open like that, after all, yet something else to put my own story out there, in a way that goes beyond even my ramblings on this blog.
Sometimes a story needs that bit more intimacy and shelter to grow properly, after all.
Maya
[1] https://www.patreon.com/MayaPosch
[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fountainhead
[3] https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCyuqprsuY8JyCTn4IgDbS8g
[4] http://mayaposch.com/library.php
Friday, 12 July 2019
Where there should be happiness, there is just exhaustion
A new home has been secured, the necessary forms have been filled out and submitted, and financial obligations have been handled. Next week should see me moving into a new place. It's big and spacious, with a large conservatory, multiple terraces and a garden. It's located in a quiet area, with a nearly completely unobstructed view from the living room windows across the fields.
I notice that I do find comfort in the thought that I'll soon be living in this new place. Yet at the same time I find it hard to commit to any thought like that until it's become reality. And even then there's still this massive backlog of... things and feelings of the past years that have to be processed. Not just from when I first moved to Germany, but also so many years of living in the Netherlands, but not really living.
Earlier today my mom sent me more pictures of my youth she had found and wanted to show me. Pictures of me with my brothers on the farm, working on our projects in the mud, amongst the fields and wide open spaces. Looking at a picture like that brings memories flooding back and makes me realise just how much I miss all of that. The village where we grew up, our neighbours and friends, the school and everything else.
It made me realise strongly just how much I am not a city person. That's why this new place that I'll be moving into is the right choice, I think. Away from the city, back into a more rural environment, with more of the space and nature with which I grew up. It should provide a healthy environment for me to do all of this catching up, as well as to finally finish writing that first part of my autobiography.
Rationally I'm all onboard with this, and I can see myself plotting a course through all of this, finally leaving the misery of the past years behind me. Yet emotionally it will all take much longer. There's only so much one can take before burning through one's emotional reserves. After the brutality of the now finished legal eviction battle, it's clear that there were no victors there, with both sides incurring massive financial losses. Maybe if I had switched to that better lawyer sooner I'd have come out better, but that's all too late now.
It's also hard not to feel largely alone, either. Recent events have shown me that sadly the same kind of bullies who have harassed and terrorised me before will likely always keep popping up. The type who'll try to find whatever weakness they can find in you and exploit it for their own sick games. Like the bullies who'd harass me in 2011, both before and after my failed suicide attempt. It's often hard to tell whether they have a real goal, other than to live off the misery of others.
I'm at least grateful that such... people do not really get to me any more. They'll try to spread rumours and try to character assassinate you, but the people who really know you, and who aren't afraid of actually talking to you and ask questions will no fall for such tricks. It's just a matter of finding those decent human beings with whom it's actually a pleasure to interact.
At this point my faith in humans in general has quite obviously been diminished significantly, with me being hardly any further as far as my intersex condition and its treatment goes than when I moved to Germany in late 2013. It saddens me to think that perhaps I'll never know the answer to any of my questions, receive medical help and live out my life just as invisible as an intersex person as I do today.
My sincere hope that this raw, bleeding wound inside my very psyche can heal over time, with everything else that causes me grief resolving itself as well. Because I don't want to be always occupied with myself. There are far more interesting things out there, after all, and so many people to meet and sights to behold.
And maybe, just maybe, in the near future I'll feel that spark of happiness again.
Maya
I notice that I do find comfort in the thought that I'll soon be living in this new place. Yet at the same time I find it hard to commit to any thought like that until it's become reality. And even then there's still this massive backlog of... things and feelings of the past years that have to be processed. Not just from when I first moved to Germany, but also so many years of living in the Netherlands, but not really living.
Earlier today my mom sent me more pictures of my youth she had found and wanted to show me. Pictures of me with my brothers on the farm, working on our projects in the mud, amongst the fields and wide open spaces. Looking at a picture like that brings memories flooding back and makes me realise just how much I miss all of that. The village where we grew up, our neighbours and friends, the school and everything else.
It made me realise strongly just how much I am not a city person. That's why this new place that I'll be moving into is the right choice, I think. Away from the city, back into a more rural environment, with more of the space and nature with which I grew up. It should provide a healthy environment for me to do all of this catching up, as well as to finally finish writing that first part of my autobiography.
Rationally I'm all onboard with this, and I can see myself plotting a course through all of this, finally leaving the misery of the past years behind me. Yet emotionally it will all take much longer. There's only so much one can take before burning through one's emotional reserves. After the brutality of the now finished legal eviction battle, it's clear that there were no victors there, with both sides incurring massive financial losses. Maybe if I had switched to that better lawyer sooner I'd have come out better, but that's all too late now.
It's also hard not to feel largely alone, either. Recent events have shown me that sadly the same kind of bullies who have harassed and terrorised me before will likely always keep popping up. The type who'll try to find whatever weakness they can find in you and exploit it for their own sick games. Like the bullies who'd harass me in 2011, both before and after my failed suicide attempt. It's often hard to tell whether they have a real goal, other than to live off the misery of others.
I'm at least grateful that such... people do not really get to me any more. They'll try to spread rumours and try to character assassinate you, but the people who really know you, and who aren't afraid of actually talking to you and ask questions will no fall for such tricks. It's just a matter of finding those decent human beings with whom it's actually a pleasure to interact.
At this point my faith in humans in general has quite obviously been diminished significantly, with me being hardly any further as far as my intersex condition and its treatment goes than when I moved to Germany in late 2013. It saddens me to think that perhaps I'll never know the answer to any of my questions, receive medical help and live out my life just as invisible as an intersex person as I do today.
My sincere hope that this raw, bleeding wound inside my very psyche can heal over time, with everything else that causes me grief resolving itself as well. Because I don't want to be always occupied with myself. There are far more interesting things out there, after all, and so many people to meet and sights to behold.
And maybe, just maybe, in the near future I'll feel that spark of happiness again.
Maya
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