Last Friday was the last working day for me this year, with me being officially free to do and go as I please until early next year. Considering how few days I have taken off so far this year, it feels kind of weird to not go to work come Monday.
I wanted to take off next week so that I can finish building my new computer system, the one I have been working on - or waiting for - since August this year. Currently I'm still missing the last monitors for the triple-monitor setup, the speaker stands and a new UPS (uninterruptible power supply) to replace the current APC one I have.
Problem with the APC UPS is that it's a non-PFC one, meaning that it doesn't output real sine wave power (AC), but stepped square wave (approximated sine wave). Even though APC (misleadingly) advertises this UPS to work with computers, the reality is that it does not, and they will not honour their warranty if you do use it with computers or other PFC-enabled equipment.
As replacement I thus have purchased a CyberPower PFC-capable UPS. It's my first time purchasing from this brand, but the reviews seem to be really positive. The particular UPS I bought is technically not 100% sine wave output, but it approximates it so closely that there is no significant difference. It is also guaranteed to work well with PFC power supplies like those in computers.
This should be a welcome change since when I hooked up my speakers (both self-powered) to my current APC UPS (Back-UPS Pro 900), the UPS shut down with an error (F06) on its display, which came down to 'Relay Welding', or basically the relays which normally switch between battery and mains power having failed and are 'welded' in place. In short, stay away from APC and use CyberPower's PFC-rated UPSes, who at least seem to do honest marketing.
Finally, I am also awaiting a new mounting set for the heatsink in this new computer build, as there is a problem with new Intel Skylake CPUs and some third-party heatsinks physically bending the CPU due to too much force. Fortunately I got a Scythe heatsink, and their customer support was right on the ball, offering free mounting sets for customers using Skylake (Socket 1151) processors. I should have my replacement set next week.
So, in short, I should be able to finalise this computer build just in time for the new year :)
Beyond computer building, I will also be geeking out with my electronics, FPGA, programming, AI and gaming projects over the coming weeks. I definitely will have a hard time feeling bored, I'm sure.
Casting a bit of a shadow over all of this is the medical experimentation which will also be running over the coming weeks, if not months. Basically with me being off hormone replacement therapy (HRT), the determining of my natural hormone levels for the first time in years, and the uncertainty over the possible findings as well as what I may experience without those artificial hormones in my system.
As I have mentioned on many occasions over the past years, what I have been trying to do - medically - is to figure out the facts about my body. Not being certain what reality is like is frightening. While on HRT I could just ignore the questions about what would happen if I were to not take HRT. Now that I no longer am, the question looms of how much my body is like that of a normal woman, hormonally.
In addition to this, there is my mind completely over-analysing and working on convincing itself that a new betrayal is imminent with regard to medical help. So far almost every doctor and related has made a 180 after initially appearing to help me, so why not this time? Why won't I get written off as just another crazy transsexual bloke this time?
No matter how positive things may look on the medical front, one doesn't simply shake off eleven years of what one can only interpret as deception, brainwashing, lies and ignorance, aimed at completely destroying any sense of self-worth I may have possessed. I am not stupid and can see that my body is not that of a male, yet I get told over and over by doctors that that's all I am: a transsexual male.
Even as I struggle for more than two decades with a painful period and apparent menstruation. Even as I develop physical symptoms which would be impossible in a male body. Even as it's been clear that my hormone levels have never been normal, and a surgeon has declared that I am a hermaphrodite... it's all not enough, apparently.
On a more positive note, it appears that I did in fact have too much female hormones in my system, and was suffering from PMS-like symptoms. Now that I am off HRT for a couple of days, I can feel that the pressure on my head is fading, which is a good indication of such symptoms, along with a stabilising of emotions. It's possible I didn't notice that I was getting PMS-symptoms because my body started producing more hormones on its own this year only very gradually.
With a couple of weeks I should hopefully learn what my hormone values were while on HRT, to see whether the estradiol level was indeed off the scale and into PMS territory (300+ nmol/L, if I recall correctly, which normally should be ~150). Based on that result I can then decide what to do about the dosage with the HRT, how far I should scale it back, or omit it completely.
In summary, this appears to be what my vacation the coming weeks will look like. Thrilling, isn't it? :)
Maya
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Saturday, 12 December 2015
Saturday, 25 December 2010
Merry XMas
Nearing the end of this year and I'm beyond and sick of tired of: disappointments, getting harassed and falsely accused, emotions and feelings, people in general, losing friendships, having the Talk after a few dates, being lonely, being different, not knowing what I am, not having anyone care about my issues, searching for a new place, fearing getting kicked out of where I live, getting pressured into performing, not having a stable income, chasing dreams, being bitter, not having basic questions answered, thinking about suicide, thinking about euthanasia, being in pain, not seeing much of a future.
On the other hand I'm grateful for: learning to know more and more new people, being allowed to talk to Dutch politicians about the Dutch medical system, hopefully having a Dutch hospital take me seriously for a change.
I'm also grateful for being someone who: is always nice to those who deserve it, never insults or hurts anyone, has a very strong sense of justice, forgives easily, is intelligent, has a healthy body.
I hope that next year is going to be a heck of a lot more pleasant than 2010. My first priorities will be finding a new place to live before the end of January, preferably sooner, and to get a stable income. The latter will just take some more time and more work on our games; TileWars on the edge of being done, the sad thing is that a nearly finished game is as useful as one one didn't even start on yet. As for finding a place, I honestly do not have a clue, as in a perfect world I'd have the chance to get an income first, then look for a place to live.
At least I should have plenty of places to store my things when/if I end up living on the streets next month. Positive thinking.
Maya
On the other hand I'm grateful for: learning to know more and more new people, being allowed to talk to Dutch politicians about the Dutch medical system, hopefully having a Dutch hospital take me seriously for a change.
I'm also grateful for being someone who: is always nice to those who deserve it, never insults or hurts anyone, has a very strong sense of justice, forgives easily, is intelligent, has a healthy body.
I hope that next year is going to be a heck of a lot more pleasant than 2010. My first priorities will be finding a new place to live before the end of January, preferably sooner, and to get a stable income. The latter will just take some more time and more work on our games; TileWars on the edge of being done, the sad thing is that a nearly finished game is as useful as one one didn't even start on yet. As for finding a place, I honestly do not have a clue, as in a perfect world I'd have the chance to get an income first, then look for a place to live.
At least I should have plenty of places to store my things when/if I end up living on the streets next month. Positive thinking.
Maya
Thursday, 1 January 2009
Getting An Overview...
A few weeks ago Doc suggested in the comments on my blog post from 2008/12/13 that I should write down the list of '2,465' things which are triggers to my traumas and such. To start off the new year (have a safe new year, everyone~), I have decided to write down this list. I doubt it'll pass even 100 items, but it's going to be a long list anyway.
Sexuality, seeing it in a video or on photos:
- documentary: makes me feel uncomfortable. Don't want to watch.
- romantic: makes me feel sad and hurt inside.
- erotic: makes me feel ugly and wish I was born normal.
- pornographic: don't want to watch. Ever. Get it out of my sight. Makes me want to kill myself.
- rape: crawl-into-corner-and-die response
Sexuality, someone talking about it, or in writing (book or other text):
- scientific: emotional side hates it, rational side is kind of okay with it.
- one's sex-life: don't ever mention you even think about sex. Makes me feel miserable for the rest of the day.
- sex in general: I don't want to know sex exists. Period.
- children: yes, women can bear children. I don't want to think about this gruesome process, let alone about the icky stuff men do.
- sexual attraction: makes me feel ugly and unwanted, like the world is a cruel joke existing only to torture me.
- whores and sluts: those... 'things' should just vanish. They don't belong in this world. I can not explain them, I can not deal with them. Gives me a headache and makes me want to die.
- rape: rapists should be set on fire and burn to death after they've been skinned alive and have salt sprinkled all over them. Their victims may or may not recover. I haven't yet.
Sexuality, my own experiences:
- memories: sometimes a memory of my own sexual experiences will drift towards the surface of my consciousness and causes agony there.
Relationships, visually or in writing:
- fictional characters: I can distance myself from fictional characters enough that my emotional side doesn't take too much offence to watching such scenes. Generally. I don't like or trust males in most cases, so if any doubt exists about the male character things can get ugly.
- real people: I dislike seeing couples. Makes me wonder what I did wrong, whether it's because I'm just a freak. Crushes my spirits.
Relationships, people talking about it:
- your significant other: you have a boy-/girlfriend? Splendid. Just don't mention it to me. I feel lonely and miserable enough already.
- married: please, kill me with your happiness.
Sights in general:
- pretty women: I have to compare myself with them, and feel depressed thinking about how much better or at least more normal their life must be, doing stuff I can't even physically or otherwise do.
- children: they make me often think about my confusing youth, and what an incredible mess my life has always been and still is. Sad and somewhat jealous feeling.
Medical:
- transsexuals: being called one without reason for nearly four years have made me hate these... people, especially because they do get treatment for it, while I'm being left to rot in Hell.
- specialists in general: they're only out to hurt or ignore me and hurt me that way. They are incapable of compassion.
Other:
- aging: I feel like my life so far has been totally wasted, with nothing to show for the 25 years I have been on this world. I don't want to die just yet.
*sigh*
Depressing list, isn't it? I probably missed quite a few items as well, but I think that the most important things are on it. They're all items which will trigger the effects I listed every single time without failing. As it is my subconsciousness which seems to be the source of the triggers, there is nothing I can do against it. Once a trigger goes off, all I can do is damage recovery.
Finally, I would like to apologize to all the people I have said or written things about which hurt them. I know I screwed up, and the way I have treated my friend Ane in Norway (if she still considers me to be a friend) is something which weighs heavily on my conscience.
There are others, in the US, here in Almere and other places, who I have hurt too, unwittingly. To them I'd like to say: I'm sorry, I didn't know what in the world I was doing or saying. I won't make excuses, but do know that I know virtually nothing anymore about those events and that they were never meant personally.
The risk of getting close to me with all the right intentions is to get hurt by me flailing about wildly, I guess... It feels terrible that I can not seem to trust anyone, that only as a young child I was that open if I am to believe my mother. Right now everything inside me is apparently sealed off, much of it even to myself. There hasn't been a moment I can remember when I felt totally comfortable and relaxed. Lately I feel more like a fox pursued by dozens of dogs and their hunters, with no escape, nowhere to hide. This means frayed nerves, more stress and more severe responses to the items on the above list.
I must work if I am to become independent financially, but focusing on it is hard. There are only a few moments every day that I can start working and do alright for an hour or two, but if I miss that opportunity, the day is as good as wasted. I simply feel too tired. Is it the anemia (if I have it)? Could be, it could also be that plus the continuous stress and pressure.
Maya
Sexuality, seeing it in a video or on photos:
- documentary: makes me feel uncomfortable. Don't want to watch.
- romantic: makes me feel sad and hurt inside.
- erotic: makes me feel ugly and wish I was born normal.
- pornographic: don't want to watch. Ever. Get it out of my sight. Makes me want to kill myself.
- rape: crawl-into-corner-and-die response
Sexuality, someone talking about it, or in writing (book or other text):
- scientific: emotional side hates it, rational side is kind of okay with it.
- one's sex-life: don't ever mention you even think about sex. Makes me feel miserable for the rest of the day.
- sex in general: I don't want to know sex exists. Period.
- children: yes, women can bear children. I don't want to think about this gruesome process, let alone about the icky stuff men do.
- sexual attraction: makes me feel ugly and unwanted, like the world is a cruel joke existing only to torture me.
- whores and sluts: those... 'things' should just vanish. They don't belong in this world. I can not explain them, I can not deal with them. Gives me a headache and makes me want to die.
- rape: rapists should be set on fire and burn to death after they've been skinned alive and have salt sprinkled all over them. Their victims may or may not recover. I haven't yet.
Sexuality, my own experiences:
- memories: sometimes a memory of my own sexual experiences will drift towards the surface of my consciousness and causes agony there.
Relationships, visually or in writing:
- fictional characters: I can distance myself from fictional characters enough that my emotional side doesn't take too much offence to watching such scenes. Generally. I don't like or trust males in most cases, so if any doubt exists about the male character things can get ugly.
- real people: I dislike seeing couples. Makes me wonder what I did wrong, whether it's because I'm just a freak. Crushes my spirits.
Relationships, people talking about it:
- your significant other: you have a boy-/girlfriend? Splendid. Just don't mention it to me. I feel lonely and miserable enough already.
- married: please, kill me with your happiness.
Sights in general:
- pretty women: I have to compare myself with them, and feel depressed thinking about how much better or at least more normal their life must be, doing stuff I can't even physically or otherwise do.
- children: they make me often think about my confusing youth, and what an incredible mess my life has always been and still is. Sad and somewhat jealous feeling.
Medical:
- transsexuals: being called one without reason for nearly four years have made me hate these... people, especially because they do get treatment for it, while I'm being left to rot in Hell.
- specialists in general: they're only out to hurt or ignore me and hurt me that way. They are incapable of compassion.
Other:
- aging: I feel like my life so far has been totally wasted, with nothing to show for the 25 years I have been on this world. I don't want to die just yet.
*sigh*
Depressing list, isn't it? I probably missed quite a few items as well, but I think that the most important things are on it. They're all items which will trigger the effects I listed every single time without failing. As it is my subconsciousness which seems to be the source of the triggers, there is nothing I can do against it. Once a trigger goes off, all I can do is damage recovery.
Finally, I would like to apologize to all the people I have said or written things about which hurt them. I know I screwed up, and the way I have treated my friend Ane in Norway (if she still considers me to be a friend) is something which weighs heavily on my conscience.
There are others, in the US, here in Almere and other places, who I have hurt too, unwittingly. To them I'd like to say: I'm sorry, I didn't know what in the world I was doing or saying. I won't make excuses, but do know that I know virtually nothing anymore about those events and that they were never meant personally.
The risk of getting close to me with all the right intentions is to get hurt by me flailing about wildly, I guess... It feels terrible that I can not seem to trust anyone, that only as a young child I was that open if I am to believe my mother. Right now everything inside me is apparently sealed off, much of it even to myself. There hasn't been a moment I can remember when I felt totally comfortable and relaxed. Lately I feel more like a fox pursued by dozens of dogs and their hunters, with no escape, nowhere to hide. This means frayed nerves, more stress and more severe responses to the items on the above list.
I must work if I am to become independent financially, but focusing on it is hard. There are only a few moments every day that I can start working and do alright for an hour or two, but if I miss that opportunity, the day is as good as wasted. I simply feel too tired. Is it the anemia (if I have it)? Could be, it could also be that plus the continuous stress and pressure.
Maya
Friday, 26 December 2008
At The End Of Everything...
Yesterday I celebrated X-Mas for the very first time. My family never celebrated X-Mas other than by putting up an X-Mas tree and some snacks, but because Pieter only celebrates X-Mas this was the first time that it was a truly special day, with unpacking gifts under the tree in the morning, followed by a day filled with yummy food and lots of movies (about 6-7 hours total). I thought it was a fun day, despite multiple attempts on my life by the dogs during the day.
The dogs had been given fleshed out bones by Pieter as their X-Mas present, and on two occasions the dogs managed to place a bone on the stairs, right where one would step on it if unaware of it. Another time one of the dogs managed to lob his bone between the steps of the staircase to the second floor down to the staircase underneath it, a second after my head passed through that very location. Just goes to prove that dogs are actually planning to take the lives of the people around them all the time. Best friend of man... yeah right. We (meaning Pieter ;) ) even had to clean up the mess they made during the day, including one dog barfing up on the floor and others pretending that they hadn't been outside for a week by springing a leak, if you catch my drift. Ah well :P
To me this year represents the end of a lot of things and steps into an uncertain future. At one side I have cut off communications with nearly everyone, including my direct family, as I simply do not feel comfortable being around 'normal' people. At the other hand I have got lots of work, am working on a game with my dear friend Trevor, who is also giving me a hand with a new big, commercial project I started a short while ago, something which I'm enjoying a lot, as I get to learn and do things which are new to me. If things work out, Trevor and I could have a very successful software and game development company next year.
Lately I have been sleeping okay, thanks to the sleeping pills I'm taking now. My subconsciousness won't leave me alone, though, and likes to rub it in via my dreams that I am different. Many of my dreams feature contact with others, and never, not even in the dreams of many, many years ago, have I ever felt like I had an identity. I'm either an observer or a child, though sometimes a child with the body of an adult, including the desires, which I then experience in a very distant manner, without understanding and without enjoying.
Sunday and Monday night I ended up crashing emotionally, crying myself to sleep after a hysteria attack, which was especially severe on Sunday night. Tuesday morning I went to see Pieter shortly after getting out of bed as I was feeling horrible again. The rest of the time, such as right now, I try to diffuse the pain and frustration I feel inside through a mask of indifference.
What I have come to realize is that with things like this, I can not be among others, as doing so only hurts me. The world I feel happiest in is a cold, clinical environment, where I can work on all kinds of technological and scientific projects without ever having to deal with emotions ever again. Emotions beyond those of a child, of course, as it are the more developed emotions of an adult which I can not deal with, which have never (properly) developed inside me, but rather torn out of the soil and trampled to be left to rot and fester in the sun and rain.
My rational side is most definitely on the level of an adult, even far beyond the capabilities of the average person. In terms of emotional skills, I doubt it'll ever reach the level of even a 12-year old. I intend to at least protect the childish emotions I do have and which are stable. If I have to completely isolate myself from society except through my work, so be it. Clearly nobody cares about whether I am truly happy, for I am not.
Pieter can see it in me as well, and not just when he is sitting beside me, offering me comfort when I'm crying uncontrollably again. I'm feeling absolutely and totally miserable inside. There is so much pain inside of me that there is little place for anything else. During one of the many times that the pain had welled up and taken control of me I came up with the idea to get some attention for my pain and suffering through a truly last-ditch effort: a hunger strike. Thing is, rationally I can see some benefit in this idea as well.
Yes, it is desperate, and it is risky physically, but it'll allow me to get the attention I feel I need. Right now I can feel the chaos and pain swirling inside of me, like a black vortex. I realize that no matter what I do, this vortex is only getting bigger and will consume me at some point. It just needs enough stimulation, which is the reason why I am cutting myself off from the outside world. Yet what I desire is a way to actually resolve this stand-off. I'm not going to let some stupid, ignorant and selfish people ruin my life like this.
I want to lead a 'normal' life, I don't want to lock myself up and pretend I already am happy, that I can just pretend I don't have an adult body. I want to live... Yet the way I have been treated and still am indicates to me that I do not truly exist. There is no definition for what my body is, my emotional distress is duly ignored and the stress of living with a fake official identity, nor its emotional effects seem to ring any alarm bells. Nothing I do matters. Everybody will just ignore it. That is my general feeling. When somebody offers help I'll just smile, as not a single grain of hope is left in me.
Just a bit longer and it'll be exactly 4 years since I started to ask for attention and help for my situation. Four years filled with fighting against a wrong conclusion by 'experts', them accusing me of hitting my own mother, of being not right in my head, of being a very confused boy. Four years of having every thing I said misinterpreted or ignored. Four years of others showing me that the world of adults is a cruel and unforgiving place, with sexuality being so crucial and yet so sick and twisted. Four years of waiting and more waiting and disappointment after disappointment, of desperately searching for help and only getting told that I'm just male, of getting a medical opinion (twice) confirming the best-case scenario, only to have others disagree with it again.
I truly see no hope in a fifth year...
Maya
The dogs had been given fleshed out bones by Pieter as their X-Mas present, and on two occasions the dogs managed to place a bone on the stairs, right where one would step on it if unaware of it. Another time one of the dogs managed to lob his bone between the steps of the staircase to the second floor down to the staircase underneath it, a second after my head passed through that very location. Just goes to prove that dogs are actually planning to take the lives of the people around them all the time. Best friend of man... yeah right. We (meaning Pieter ;) ) even had to clean up the mess they made during the day, including one dog barfing up on the floor and others pretending that they hadn't been outside for a week by springing a leak, if you catch my drift. Ah well :P
To me this year represents the end of a lot of things and steps into an uncertain future. At one side I have cut off communications with nearly everyone, including my direct family, as I simply do not feel comfortable being around 'normal' people. At the other hand I have got lots of work, am working on a game with my dear friend Trevor, who is also giving me a hand with a new big, commercial project I started a short while ago, something which I'm enjoying a lot, as I get to learn and do things which are new to me. If things work out, Trevor and I could have a very successful software and game development company next year.
Lately I have been sleeping okay, thanks to the sleeping pills I'm taking now. My subconsciousness won't leave me alone, though, and likes to rub it in via my dreams that I am different. Many of my dreams feature contact with others, and never, not even in the dreams of many, many years ago, have I ever felt like I had an identity. I'm either an observer or a child, though sometimes a child with the body of an adult, including the desires, which I then experience in a very distant manner, without understanding and without enjoying.
Sunday and Monday night I ended up crashing emotionally, crying myself to sleep after a hysteria attack, which was especially severe on Sunday night. Tuesday morning I went to see Pieter shortly after getting out of bed as I was feeling horrible again. The rest of the time, such as right now, I try to diffuse the pain and frustration I feel inside through a mask of indifference.
What I have come to realize is that with things like this, I can not be among others, as doing so only hurts me. The world I feel happiest in is a cold, clinical environment, where I can work on all kinds of technological and scientific projects without ever having to deal with emotions ever again. Emotions beyond those of a child, of course, as it are the more developed emotions of an adult which I can not deal with, which have never (properly) developed inside me, but rather torn out of the soil and trampled to be left to rot and fester in the sun and rain.
My rational side is most definitely on the level of an adult, even far beyond the capabilities of the average person. In terms of emotional skills, I doubt it'll ever reach the level of even a 12-year old. I intend to at least protect the childish emotions I do have and which are stable. If I have to completely isolate myself from society except through my work, so be it. Clearly nobody cares about whether I am truly happy, for I am not.
Pieter can see it in me as well, and not just when he is sitting beside me, offering me comfort when I'm crying uncontrollably again. I'm feeling absolutely and totally miserable inside. There is so much pain inside of me that there is little place for anything else. During one of the many times that the pain had welled up and taken control of me I came up with the idea to get some attention for my pain and suffering through a truly last-ditch effort: a hunger strike. Thing is, rationally I can see some benefit in this idea as well.
Yes, it is desperate, and it is risky physically, but it'll allow me to get the attention I feel I need. Right now I can feel the chaos and pain swirling inside of me, like a black vortex. I realize that no matter what I do, this vortex is only getting bigger and will consume me at some point. It just needs enough stimulation, which is the reason why I am cutting myself off from the outside world. Yet what I desire is a way to actually resolve this stand-off. I'm not going to let some stupid, ignorant and selfish people ruin my life like this.
I want to lead a 'normal' life, I don't want to lock myself up and pretend I already am happy, that I can just pretend I don't have an adult body. I want to live... Yet the way I have been treated and still am indicates to me that I do not truly exist. There is no definition for what my body is, my emotional distress is duly ignored and the stress of living with a fake official identity, nor its emotional effects seem to ring any alarm bells. Nothing I do matters. Everybody will just ignore it. That is my general feeling. When somebody offers help I'll just smile, as not a single grain of hope is left in me.
Just a bit longer and it'll be exactly 4 years since I started to ask for attention and help for my situation. Four years filled with fighting against a wrong conclusion by 'experts', them accusing me of hitting my own mother, of being not right in my head, of being a very confused boy. Four years of having every thing I said misinterpreted or ignored. Four years of others showing me that the world of adults is a cruel and unforgiving place, with sexuality being so crucial and yet so sick and twisted. Four years of waiting and more waiting and disappointment after disappointment, of desperately searching for help and only getting told that I'm just male, of getting a medical opinion (twice) confirming the best-case scenario, only to have others disagree with it again.
I truly see no hope in a fifth year...
Maya
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