Oops~ nearly forgot to write a blog post today :P
Well, let's see... This morning I was chatting a bit with some guys on MSN while waiting to leave for my appointment that morning. One of them was a guy I met at Stickam, some Israeli dude. Though I had directed him to my blog a few times before, he nevertheless hadn't caught on to my 'secret' yet. Insert remark about dense males here.
So anyway, he asked me about my sexual experiences, I told him that I had described them a bit on my blog, directed him to an entry, which he read. It was then that he caught on, asked me whether I was male, I told him no, I am intersexual. He then blocked me on MSN. So rude. I sent him an email detailing my thoughts, but I don't think I'll ever see him again. Ah well.
The IPL treatment went well until the girl who did it reached my nether regions and somehow the IPL device broke. Luckily they could get a new device that same day, so I could come back in a few hours, which I did. Of course, this meant that by the time I got home it was already time for dinner and I hadn't really had time to do any work or such.
In other news, I played Final Fantasy XI, which is an online MMORPG with a friend today. It was a fun and inspirational experience. I only wish FFXI was a bit less buggy and the controls more like those of an FPS. I'll see what I can tweak about it :)
Until tomorrow,
Maya
Friday, 7 December 2007
Thursday, 6 December 2007
Finding One's Balance Again~
I slept reasonably well last night. First thing I did was discuss yesterday's blog post with a friend on MSN, about this girl I'm trying to help. He redirected me to the Association of Sites Advocating Child Protection (ASACP, http://www.asacp.org/ ). There I reported the child porn site I had obtained the link to yesterday. I hope that whoever has been on that site gets tracked down and get whatever they deserve. I really hope that anyone who reads this will also immediately report child porn on the Internet via a site like ASACP.
Currently I'm trying to find the right people to contact in the UK (where the girl lives) to report the abuse. Any hints on this would be very useful.
Things don't stop there, though. The experiences yesterday have made me recall a lot of memories of my own abuse, as well as the stories from other girls. In my case I realized that the reason I didn't say 'no' or tried to fight back was because I thought that I needed the guy, that he was helping me. Obviously nonsense, but at that time one just doesn't seem to realize that. I think that it's the same for many other girls who suffer at the hands of family and/or 'friends'.
In other news, a Swedish guy in my IRC channel informed me today that a female friend of him got raped yesterday. He didn't know by whom. Just thinking about all those monsters out there (they don't deserve to be called 'humans') abusing and raping and murdering innocent children and teenagers is enough to make me feel really sad and really angry at the same time. Things like that just have to be stopped. There's no way anyone with a heart and conscience could just ignore what's going on in the world. And (sexual) abuse even within families isn't rare at all, it's so common it's enough to make one lose all faith in humanity. No wonder so many children grow up so twisted to later hurt their own children in the same way. If that isn't Hell, I don't know what is.
Anyway... in happier news, I discovered via the traffic reports for this blog that there is a thread on me at Webcamcaps.com. I have no idea what's in it, only that it links to my blog at least. Registering on the site costs money, so that's a no-go for me. If anyone with an account there could tell me what's on it or provide a screenshot or such, I'd be grateful. I also sent another email to Stickam about my banned account there. Still no response.
So yeah... I pretty much got a big web development job, which should get me some much needed cash. Yay me, and thanks to my Norwegian friend :)
Tomorrow I've got to get up early, because I've got an appointment for the next IPL (hair removal) treatment scheduled early in the morning. Can't wait. It's getting kind of late now, though (12.30 AM) so I'll be going to bed now. See you crazy monkeys tomorrow again :P
Maya
Currently I'm trying to find the right people to contact in the UK (where the girl lives) to report the abuse. Any hints on this would be very useful.
Things don't stop there, though. The experiences yesterday have made me recall a lot of memories of my own abuse, as well as the stories from other girls. In my case I realized that the reason I didn't say 'no' or tried to fight back was because I thought that I needed the guy, that he was helping me. Obviously nonsense, but at that time one just doesn't seem to realize that. I think that it's the same for many other girls who suffer at the hands of family and/or 'friends'.
In other news, a Swedish guy in my IRC channel informed me today that a female friend of him got raped yesterday. He didn't know by whom. Just thinking about all those monsters out there (they don't deserve to be called 'humans') abusing and raping and murdering innocent children and teenagers is enough to make me feel really sad and really angry at the same time. Things like that just have to be stopped. There's no way anyone with a heart and conscience could just ignore what's going on in the world. And (sexual) abuse even within families isn't rare at all, it's so common it's enough to make one lose all faith in humanity. No wonder so many children grow up so twisted to later hurt their own children in the same way. If that isn't Hell, I don't know what is.
Anyway... in happier news, I discovered via the traffic reports for this blog that there is a thread on me at Webcamcaps.com. I have no idea what's in it, only that it links to my blog at least. Registering on the site costs money, so that's a no-go for me. If anyone with an account there could tell me what's on it or provide a screenshot or such, I'd be grateful. I also sent another email to Stickam about my banned account there. Still no response.
So yeah... I pretty much got a big web development job, which should get me some much needed cash. Yay me, and thanks to my Norwegian friend :)
Tomorrow I've got to get up early, because I've got an appointment for the next IPL (hair removal) treatment scheduled early in the morning. Can't wait. It's getting kind of late now, though (12.30 AM) so I'll be going to bed now. See you crazy monkeys tomorrow again :P
Maya
Tuesday, 4 December 2007
My God...
I'm feeling absolutely emotionally devastated right now. I can't stop crying, I'm trembling all over, my teeth are chattering and I'm feeling sick down to my stomach. The reason? A good female friend of mine, a sweet little girl a few years younger than me, is being sexually abused by her own father. I already knew this for a while, and tried not to think about it too much, because she says she'll graduate from university next year and then move abroad and that she needs the financial support from her father right now or something like that. Things were going fine until I learned a few hours ago that this horribly bastard of a 'father' has taken pictures of the abuse and put them on some imageboards. Another friend of her learned of this and told me. He asked me to notify the cops about this abuse and provided me with a link to one imageboard where these pictures were placed so that I could send some pictures along as evidence.
Upon opening the link, I saw not just pictures of her, but also of other children. She suffers from Turners Syndrome, meaning that she has the stature and looks of about a 12-year old, which is why she ended up on that site, I think. At any rate the sight of this horror shocked me so much that I had immediately close it and ended up crying on my bed for a good half hour until I calmed down a bit. It didn't just upset me because of what I had just seen, but also because of the memories about the abuse I and other girls I know, many of them personally, suffered at the hands of such inhumane monsters.
In the end, however, she learned about what we were doing and told us not to interfere. I admitted to her that her friend had told me everything and also that if I wanted to keep my sanity, I should sever all ties with her for a while, because what this all does to me is not healthy. I seriously haven't felt this miserable in a long, long time, no less about the fact that I'm incapable of helping her. I hate feeling helpless :(
I feel like it's kind of out of place to talk about something as insignificant as my own issues in this post, but I'll make some quick notes since this is the last blog post of today. First of all I'd like to apologize for my depressed mood this morning. I feel sorry that I had to dump all that negativity over you, my dear reader. It is darn good therapy for me, though.
I've realized some things today: sexuality, beyond reproduction, has nothing to do with reason and everything with emotions. Hence my issues with it, since my emotional side is an absolute train wreck. Yay for figuring this out so late. Right now my emotional side is so well-developed that I could do a pr0n issue and not even blink, with my rational side just ensuring it's done safely.
I took some more progress pictures (to keep a visual record of the physical changes of my body) as well. I still think they're very unflattering and that I look like something not-quite-like-a-girl on it. Definitely not a guy, though. That'd be one hell of a weird male body. Which leads me the fact that a few people today suggested I am/might be a transsexual. I'm not sure what references these people use, but according to my definition, a transsexual guy can not get female orgasms, not even after surgery, nor will that guy have a skeleton which developed in a completely normal feminine manner, something which does not happen with XY genes. Some people are just slightly foolish, I guess.
In other news, I got banned from Stickam. I have no idea why. Possibly it's because some guys there hold a grudge against me because I refuse to show more skin or so. Bunch of immature perverts. Anyway, I've realized since a few days that the cause of my social isolation for 19 years was indeed due to my intersexuality. Around 5-6 years old is when children begin to notice and adapt to gender role patterns. Since that was the time when my mother saw big changes in my behaviour, which involved a change from an energetic, outgoing child to a quiet child, completely withdrawn into herself, a withdrawal which worsened as the years progressed. The fact that discovering about and dealing with my giftedness didn't make much of a difference in the social withdrawal further supports this.
Anyway, I seem to have calmed down now. At times like this it's good to focus on something other than pure misery. I think my emotional side just curled up and die, though. Ah well, I'll bury it in the morning.
Until then, everyone. Please send your best wishes and prayers to my poor abused friend and every other girl, or boy, who is suffering the same fate even now. Thank you so much.
Maya
Upon opening the link, I saw not just pictures of her, but also of other children. She suffers from Turners Syndrome, meaning that she has the stature and looks of about a 12-year old, which is why she ended up on that site, I think. At any rate the sight of this horror shocked me so much that I had immediately close it and ended up crying on my bed for a good half hour until I calmed down a bit. It didn't just upset me because of what I had just seen, but also because of the memories about the abuse I and other girls I know, many of them personally, suffered at the hands of such inhumane monsters.
In the end, however, she learned about what we were doing and told us not to interfere. I admitted to her that her friend had told me everything and also that if I wanted to keep my sanity, I should sever all ties with her for a while, because what this all does to me is not healthy. I seriously haven't felt this miserable in a long, long time, no less about the fact that I'm incapable of helping her. I hate feeling helpless :(
I feel like it's kind of out of place to talk about something as insignificant as my own issues in this post, but I'll make some quick notes since this is the last blog post of today. First of all I'd like to apologize for my depressed mood this morning. I feel sorry that I had to dump all that negativity over you, my dear reader. It is darn good therapy for me, though.
I've realized some things today: sexuality, beyond reproduction, has nothing to do with reason and everything with emotions. Hence my issues with it, since my emotional side is an absolute train wreck. Yay for figuring this out so late. Right now my emotional side is so well-developed that I could do a pr0n issue and not even blink, with my rational side just ensuring it's done safely.
I took some more progress pictures (to keep a visual record of the physical changes of my body) as well. I still think they're very unflattering and that I look like something not-quite-like-a-girl on it. Definitely not a guy, though. That'd be one hell of a weird male body. Which leads me the fact that a few people today suggested I am/might be a transsexual. I'm not sure what references these people use, but according to my definition, a transsexual guy can not get female orgasms, not even after surgery, nor will that guy have a skeleton which developed in a completely normal feminine manner, something which does not happen with XY genes. Some people are just slightly foolish, I guess.
In other news, I got banned from Stickam. I have no idea why. Possibly it's because some guys there hold a grudge against me because I refuse to show more skin or so. Bunch of immature perverts. Anyway, I've realized since a few days that the cause of my social isolation for 19 years was indeed due to my intersexuality. Around 5-6 years old is when children begin to notice and adapt to gender role patterns. Since that was the time when my mother saw big changes in my behaviour, which involved a change from an energetic, outgoing child to a quiet child, completely withdrawn into herself, a withdrawal which worsened as the years progressed. The fact that discovering about and dealing with my giftedness didn't make much of a difference in the social withdrawal further supports this.
Anyway, I seem to have calmed down now. At times like this it's good to focus on something other than pure misery. I think my emotional side just curled up and die, though. Ah well, I'll bury it in the morning.
Until then, everyone. Please send your best wishes and prayers to my poor abused friend and every other girl, or boy, who is suffering the same fate even now. Thank you so much.
Maya
Leave Me Alone, Please...
Positive: I didn't wake up once through the night. Negative: I woke up feeling horribly depressed, the familiar feeling of having sadness and pain seeping out from deep inside me and a crushing feeling which should be familiar to those who've ever cried out their eyes after hearing that a loved one has died a few hours ago. I feel like I want to crawl back into my bed and remain there forever. I never want anyone to look at me again, not on webcam, and not in real life. I wish I had no body at all.
Got two messages from 'friends' on Stickam, a nice message from a girl who tried to cheer me up and inspire me. Appreciated, but not effective right now :( The second message was from a guy who had just read my blog in its entirety. Quite nice message aside from the part where he confirmed that some other guys would indeed feel scarred if I were to ever show everything on cam. Cue feelings of being a freak, abnormal and unable to choose or decide or perhaps just unable to become 'normal'.
Emotionally I want to get rid of my male side, every last bit of it, yet rationally I know that this desire is not based on reason, just on confusion and pain with the desire to be accepted by others. It does underline for me once again that sexuality is something that's not for me. It'd be easier to just get rid of it, forget about it and stop whining about me being a woman. I'd just live on like a 'something' in that case, something asexual, like I've done since I was a young child. Truly, sexuality holds nothing for me but pain and negativity. I can honestly not think of any positive points about it.
I feel that I'm in a catch-22 situation. I do want to make more friends so that I can feel more normal and cheerful, yet at the same time I'm pushing people away with my negativity and traumas. There's simply no way to improve on this situation. Or perhaps it's just the depression talking. I'm really not this depressed all the time. It are just moments like this when I don't seem to be able to see the positive side of things. Though even when I'm not like this I still have a hard time thinking of positive points about sexuality. I think that's a hint.
In other news, I've heard that a video of a webcam session two days or so ago has been released into the wild. Apparently some guy recorded it without my permission. I already kicked out three other guys doing the same thing in the same session after one of the few nice guys I've met on Stickam tipped me off. Not only does this reinforce my idea that guys in general are utter scum, it makes me want to never, ever cam again in such a setting. I'm finding it difficult to deal with slutty cam sessions like other girls do on stickam as well, including by that girl I mentioned earlier. Not that I saw it, but she told me what she did. I want to erase it all from memory and pretend this world is a much happier place than it really is.
I'll try to patch myself together a bit more before my blog post later today. Until then it's cryin' and feeling-sorry-for-myself time.
Maya
Got two messages from 'friends' on Stickam, a nice message from a girl who tried to cheer me up and inspire me. Appreciated, but not effective right now :( The second message was from a guy who had just read my blog in its entirety. Quite nice message aside from the part where he confirmed that some other guys would indeed feel scarred if I were to ever show everything on cam. Cue feelings of being a freak, abnormal and unable to choose or decide or perhaps just unable to become 'normal'.
Emotionally I want to get rid of my male side, every last bit of it, yet rationally I know that this desire is not based on reason, just on confusion and pain with the desire to be accepted by others. It does underline for me once again that sexuality is something that's not for me. It'd be easier to just get rid of it, forget about it and stop whining about me being a woman. I'd just live on like a 'something' in that case, something asexual, like I've done since I was a young child. Truly, sexuality holds nothing for me but pain and negativity. I can honestly not think of any positive points about it.
I feel that I'm in a catch-22 situation. I do want to make more friends so that I can feel more normal and cheerful, yet at the same time I'm pushing people away with my negativity and traumas. There's simply no way to improve on this situation. Or perhaps it's just the depression talking. I'm really not this depressed all the time. It are just moments like this when I don't seem to be able to see the positive side of things. Though even when I'm not like this I still have a hard time thinking of positive points about sexuality. I think that's a hint.
In other news, I've heard that a video of a webcam session two days or so ago has been released into the wild. Apparently some guy recorded it without my permission. I already kicked out three other guys doing the same thing in the same session after one of the few nice guys I've met on Stickam tipped me off. Not only does this reinforce my idea that guys in general are utter scum, it makes me want to never, ever cam again in such a setting. I'm finding it difficult to deal with slutty cam sessions like other girls do on stickam as well, including by that girl I mentioned earlier. Not that I saw it, but she told me what she did. I want to erase it all from memory and pretend this world is a much happier place than it really is.
I'll try to patch myself together a bit more before my blog post later today. Until then it's cryin' and feeling-sorry-for-myself time.
Maya
Relapse Into Obsession...
So this time I slept quite properly. I still felt kind of tired when I woke up, though. My cold doesn't seem to be fully gone yet either. I've still got the somewhat sore chest and occasional coughing. I definitely should tone down the stripping, I guess. Or turn up the heat :P
This morning wasn't that happy for me, though. I started off by still feeling quite miserable about my sexuality, with big doubts about what I really want or should do with the surgery next year. Right now I've got semi-functional male organs and presumably a reasonably intact vagina. I know for sure that I want to get the latter restored to a usable state. That's the thing I've never questioned. The issue is with the male parts. Do I want to keep the penis or not? To be honest I don't know. It is more practical to keep it and quite rational, but emotionally I'm not sure. One could say I'm emotionally split on this issue. I guess I won't find out until after the medical tests and some more useful sexual experiences whether I really want to get rid of what is a part of me, and which can never be restored again.
So yeah, sexuality... I guess that the feeling of being sexually defective hasn't passed yet, and I don't think it will any time soon. With male organs which are nothing like the real thing in terms of sensitivity and such, and female organs which are basically unusable, it's hard to see myself as anything but defective in this area. Naturally I got depressed again at a talk about sex this morning on IRC. This is also the reason why I don't like being intimate with men, since I feel ashamed, frustrated and scared about my body and such. Therefore I've been trying to find girls who can help me find something positive in my sexuality, but so far without much success.
Another topic people have been asking me a lot about: the reason why I am so exhibitionistic to the point where I'm even on sex dating sites. My motivation for this is quite simple, namely to learn more about myself, get rid of the childish parts through shock therapy and learn to see myself differently via others. So far it has been working quite well, but I sure wish I'd be able to just get rid of this issue all together. I'm getting sick and tired of all the time I spent on it without seemingly progressing that much. One can dream.
Today I spent quite a bit more time on Stickam. People there are beginning to read my blog now as well. I haven't heard many comments about it yet, though. It's still funny to hear the people who haven't read it proclaim that they want me to lose the panties :P Such a nice opportunity to scar some guys for life... tempting~
Anyway, I'm about to topple over and I really need to do some work tomorrow, including preparing for Wednesday, when the moving company comes over to check out my stuff. And yes, I slacked off again today. Anyone who is a girl and kind of pretty is welcome to punish me now ;)
See you, all you crazy, insane nut jobs :P
Maya
This morning wasn't that happy for me, though. I started off by still feeling quite miserable about my sexuality, with big doubts about what I really want or should do with the surgery next year. Right now I've got semi-functional male organs and presumably a reasonably intact vagina. I know for sure that I want to get the latter restored to a usable state. That's the thing I've never questioned. The issue is with the male parts. Do I want to keep the penis or not? To be honest I don't know. It is more practical to keep it and quite rational, but emotionally I'm not sure. One could say I'm emotionally split on this issue. I guess I won't find out until after the medical tests and some more useful sexual experiences whether I really want to get rid of what is a part of me, and which can never be restored again.
So yeah, sexuality... I guess that the feeling of being sexually defective hasn't passed yet, and I don't think it will any time soon. With male organs which are nothing like the real thing in terms of sensitivity and such, and female organs which are basically unusable, it's hard to see myself as anything but defective in this area. Naturally I got depressed again at a talk about sex this morning on IRC. This is also the reason why I don't like being intimate with men, since I feel ashamed, frustrated and scared about my body and such. Therefore I've been trying to find girls who can help me find something positive in my sexuality, but so far without much success.
Another topic people have been asking me a lot about: the reason why I am so exhibitionistic to the point where I'm even on sex dating sites. My motivation for this is quite simple, namely to learn more about myself, get rid of the childish parts through shock therapy and learn to see myself differently via others. So far it has been working quite well, but I sure wish I'd be able to just get rid of this issue all together. I'm getting sick and tired of all the time I spent on it without seemingly progressing that much. One can dream.
Today I spent quite a bit more time on Stickam. People there are beginning to read my blog now as well. I haven't heard many comments about it yet, though. It's still funny to hear the people who haven't read it proclaim that they want me to lose the panties :P Such a nice opportunity to scar some guys for life... tempting~
Anyway, I'm about to topple over and I really need to do some work tomorrow, including preparing for Wednesday, when the moving company comes over to check out my stuff. And yes, I slacked off again today. Anyone who is a girl and kind of pretty is welcome to punish me now ;)
See you, all you crazy, insane nut jobs :P
Maya
Monday, 3 December 2007
The Fountain Of Youth~
Whew... the last hour of today have been pretty interesting. Excuse me if I appear to ramble a bit. I'll start at the beginning so as to sidestep any rambling pre-emptively.
So last night was a bit rough. I woke up around 3 times and had quite random dreams, one of which was quite clearly inspired by my distrust against guys and disbelief with regards to girls who don't value their body. That was the dream I woke up with. Lovely.
I noticed I felt a bit not-so-well, like I had a cold or so, with a sore chest and coughing. This fortunately passed later in the day. I do think that the stress the past weeks has somewhat weakened my immune system, making me more prone to such infections. All seems to be well again, though.
In terms of work I've kind of slacked off today, which isn't all that unusual for me, I guess. No big shocker there. What I did do today was rather... interesting. This was all due to a friend of mine, an american guy who likes to pretend he's a girl, especially online behind a webcam. He linked me to one of his active cam sessions at Stickam.com, which I joined. I then thought it'd be funny to create my own account and thus show myself to others that way.
After creating that account, the guy also mentioned that he had previously cammed at Cam4 (definitely NSFW!!). Because I was in a rather experimental mood or so, I decided to create an account there as well. I then decided to mess around with Stickam first. It's a rather nice site, kind of like Facebook and Myspace, but with the webcam streaming as an interesting feature. I included the link to my Stickam profile in the link section on this blog. I started my camsession at Stickam and was quickly joined by a few people, and one girl. This resulted in a private room and a game of 'truth or dare', which resulted in a lot of discarded pieces of clothing at my side :P
This was followed by an intermezzo, composed out of dinner, a TV show (Top Gear :D ) and some serious talk with my boyfriend, with positive results. I also promised him I'd stop slacking off next week ;)
So then it was about time for bed... Yet I still hadn't explored that Cam4 site yet. Curious, I decided to start a cam session there and quickly the chat was flooded with people (258 at the end). The pacing of the chat text was beyond readable. It was insane. I then decided to let go of my inhibitions and do a striptease and *cough* other things. The result was amazing. Among the people in the chat there were those who were praising me for being so pretty, there were those who were vulgar, while others spammed the chat with nonsense, a few claimed I was a boy because I didn't pull down my panties and quite a few were claiming that I was 14-16 years old. Underaged, in other words.
In the midst of the chat I suddenly got a message that the cam had been closed. The chat grinded to a halt and I closed it. I then reloaded my profile at the site to find that it asked for me to log in. Fine, so I inputted my log in details and hit the button. It said the username and password were wrong, though I knew they weren't. I also noticed that the normally visible to the public profile of me had been cleared. It then hit me that my account at Cam4 had been deleted. Only reasonable conclusion? I had been kicked from the site because they thought I was younger than 18.
Today has been an interesting day for sure...
Maya
So last night was a bit rough. I woke up around 3 times and had quite random dreams, one of which was quite clearly inspired by my distrust against guys and disbelief with regards to girls who don't value their body. That was the dream I woke up with. Lovely.
I noticed I felt a bit not-so-well, like I had a cold or so, with a sore chest and coughing. This fortunately passed later in the day. I do think that the stress the past weeks has somewhat weakened my immune system, making me more prone to such infections. All seems to be well again, though.
In terms of work I've kind of slacked off today, which isn't all that unusual for me, I guess. No big shocker there. What I did do today was rather... interesting. This was all due to a friend of mine, an american guy who likes to pretend he's a girl, especially online behind a webcam. He linked me to one of his active cam sessions at Stickam.com, which I joined. I then thought it'd be funny to create my own account and thus show myself to others that way.
After creating that account, the guy also mentioned that he had previously cammed at Cam4 (definitely NSFW!!). Because I was in a rather experimental mood or so, I decided to create an account there as well. I then decided to mess around with Stickam first. It's a rather nice site, kind of like Facebook and Myspace, but with the webcam streaming as an interesting feature. I included the link to my Stickam profile in the link section on this blog. I started my camsession at Stickam and was quickly joined by a few people, and one girl. This resulted in a private room and a game of 'truth or dare', which resulted in a lot of discarded pieces of clothing at my side :P
This was followed by an intermezzo, composed out of dinner, a TV show (Top Gear :D ) and some serious talk with my boyfriend, with positive results. I also promised him I'd stop slacking off next week ;)
So then it was about time for bed... Yet I still hadn't explored that Cam4 site yet. Curious, I decided to start a cam session there and quickly the chat was flooded with people (258 at the end). The pacing of the chat text was beyond readable. It was insane. I then decided to let go of my inhibitions and do a striptease and *cough* other things. The result was amazing. Among the people in the chat there were those who were praising me for being so pretty, there were those who were vulgar, while others spammed the chat with nonsense, a few claimed I was a boy because I didn't pull down my panties and quite a few were claiming that I was 14-16 years old. Underaged, in other words.
In the midst of the chat I suddenly got a message that the cam had been closed. The chat grinded to a halt and I closed it. I then reloaded my profile at the site to find that it asked for me to log in. Fine, so I inputted my log in details and hit the button. It said the username and password were wrong, though I knew they weren't. I also noticed that the normally visible to the public profile of me had been cleared. It then hit me that my account at Cam4 had been deleted. Only reasonable conclusion? I had been kicked from the site because they thought I was younger than 18.
Today has been an interesting day for sure...
Maya
Saturday, 1 December 2007
Lies, Delusions And Reality...
Today I woke up feeling quite a bit better than last night. Relatively positive as well. Of course, just like with that time I confronted my sexuality, I'll just crash emotionally after a while. Thus I've been struggling with some less pleasant feelings and thoughts for the last few hours.
Yet it's not all bad. These 'crashes' and consequent reboots I go through are apparently part of my emotional growth/recovery, and thus I keep figuring stuff out through these confrontations. This time I've realized a few things about what's bothering me and holding me back. It's all about reality.
I know now my motivations for the shock therapy, the lack of respect for myself and my general discomfort with a lot of real-life things, relations, marriage, pregnancy and (sexual) abuse in particular. The issue is that I'm indeed still a child emotionally. I'd say that on many points I've got the emotional awareness of an 8-year old, and the result is that I've got really big problems accepting reality.
My refusal or inability to accept myself, my own body, my own existence, it's all part of this. When I considered suicide before, it was because I could not see reality as, well, being real. When I tell others about myself, doesn't matter whether it's about my body, my work or something else, it still feels like I'm either lying or talking nonsense, the way a child would.
This is due to both a chronic lack of self-confidence which is partially induced by a fragmented self-image, and the latter is part of my inability to just get over this hesitation in acknowledging that a) I've got a body, b) that it's an adult body, c) that it's female and d) that I really don't look that bad.
I feel that I've been waiting for some kind of confirmation on those four points for quite a while now, and so far I at least don't seem to think that I'm ugly anymore, and I might even be pretty feminine. Just for reference, I find it ridiculously easy to acknowledge that I'm not male, as I've never even come close to considering such a thing since I was born.
Either way I feel this incredible need to be acknowledged on those four points by others before I can do so myself, since I know that I'm hardly objective on this matter. This is illustrated by my rapid progress in acknowledging point d after I showed my pictures to others for the first time. I think that point a isn't a big issue either anymore. Points b and c, however, are a problem, and my hesitation in dealing with them annoys me. It's as though I'm waiting for something to help me make these last steps forward. Medical tests? Yes, please.
Only one relevant medical test has ever been performed, and that was an ultrasound, as my physician could arrange that for me (MRIs and such are out of her reach). Despite the results showing that I did not have a womb or such as I had somewhat hoped, just knowing something for a fact instead of having to endure more speculation made me feel very calm and somewhat glad. It does show that it's not accepting facts which I have trouble with, but that it's the eternal speculation and not knowing things which drives me nuts.
At any rate I have decided to become less of a whiny child and deal with the not so adult-like parts of myself to the best of my capabilities. I hope that the reduced amount of whining will make the life of you, my dear reader, somewhat easier as well :)
Maya
Yet it's not all bad. These 'crashes' and consequent reboots I go through are apparently part of my emotional growth/recovery, and thus I keep figuring stuff out through these confrontations. This time I've realized a few things about what's bothering me and holding me back. It's all about reality.
I know now my motivations for the shock therapy, the lack of respect for myself and my general discomfort with a lot of real-life things, relations, marriage, pregnancy and (sexual) abuse in particular. The issue is that I'm indeed still a child emotionally. I'd say that on many points I've got the emotional awareness of an 8-year old, and the result is that I've got really big problems accepting reality.
My refusal or inability to accept myself, my own body, my own existence, it's all part of this. When I considered suicide before, it was because I could not see reality as, well, being real. When I tell others about myself, doesn't matter whether it's about my body, my work or something else, it still feels like I'm either lying or talking nonsense, the way a child would.
This is due to both a chronic lack of self-confidence which is partially induced by a fragmented self-image, and the latter is part of my inability to just get over this hesitation in acknowledging that a) I've got a body, b) that it's an adult body, c) that it's female and d) that I really don't look that bad.
I feel that I've been waiting for some kind of confirmation on those four points for quite a while now, and so far I at least don't seem to think that I'm ugly anymore, and I might even be pretty feminine. Just for reference, I find it ridiculously easy to acknowledge that I'm not male, as I've never even come close to considering such a thing since I was born.
Either way I feel this incredible need to be acknowledged on those four points by others before I can do so myself, since I know that I'm hardly objective on this matter. This is illustrated by my rapid progress in acknowledging point d after I showed my pictures to others for the first time. I think that point a isn't a big issue either anymore. Points b and c, however, are a problem, and my hesitation in dealing with them annoys me. It's as though I'm waiting for something to help me make these last steps forward. Medical tests? Yes, please.
Only one relevant medical test has ever been performed, and that was an ultrasound, as my physician could arrange that for me (MRIs and such are out of her reach). Despite the results showing that I did not have a womb or such as I had somewhat hoped, just knowing something for a fact instead of having to endure more speculation made me feel very calm and somewhat glad. It does show that it's not accepting facts which I have trouble with, but that it's the eternal speculation and not knowing things which drives me nuts.
At any rate I have decided to become less of a whiny child and deal with the not so adult-like parts of myself to the best of my capabilities. I hope that the reduced amount of whining will make the life of you, my dear reader, somewhat easier as well :)
Maya
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