After the doctor's appointment on Friday morning I noticed just how tired I was by the time I got to work shortly after. Most of the day I just drifted through things, being quite aware of how sleep-deprived I was and only keeping myself going through liberal application of caffeinated drinks, pretty much. Not that surprising after getting barely any sleep since Monday thanks to that physician's outright rejection, followed by having to prepare for this appointment with my family doctor.
In the end I probably didn't have to worry as much as I did about this latter appointment. I got the feeling that my family doctor had been giving that question of what the difference between intersex and transsexuality is some more thought herself as well. After sketching out the scenario of what would happen if I were to simply play along with this transsexuality thing, as described in the previous blog post as well, she saw my point of the issue quite well. I also added to this having to spent at least half a year trying to convince a psychologist that I truly am transsexual, adding to this the issues of a) not wanting to become a regular woman, b) already being a woman officially and c) caring only about getting some answers related to my intersex condition, not some horrific sex-reassignment/'normalisation' surgery which would wipe out parts of my identity I actually care about.
Having established that point of understanding with my doctor, the next question of course was what to do now. For this I could recount to her the advice I had been given by a number of friends, first of which was to establish my current hormone levels. Pregnancy-like symptoms are also common when for some reason oestrogen levels are relatively high. The other item was to get into contact with a reproductive endocrinologist, which fits together fairly well with the first time. My doctor will be making an appointment for this now.
The reproductive endocrinologist would be to have my hormone levels examined in general, but also to examine this apparent menstruation cycle I have undergone for the past twenty years. This might also shed light on the question raised by a friend this week as well as over the past years by others, namely whether or not I have functioning ovaries. A possible consequence of that might be that I could be (partially) fertile as a woman.
The pattern this monthly cycle follows has been quite regular for the past decades, as far as I can determine. It starts off with the sharp pain in the lower right or left side of the abdomen for a few days, then basically nothing for a week or two, then abdominal cramping for a number of days and increasing pain in the vaginal area until that too fades away. Then a week or so later it starts all over again. It's really incredibly joyful. It would be nice to learn in how far I have normal female reproductive organs underlying all of this.
A last item we discussed during this appointment was that of further help options. She understands that getting help from a psychologist is a risky proposition, especially after I told her some more about my experiences with Dutch psychologists doing their utmost to make me believe that I had to be transsexual and even attempting to get me to agree to be locked up inside a psychological ward for 'treatment'. In this light, she suggested maybe looking further into genetic research as well. There are a couple of genetic research centres here in the city, so I could at least ask them whether they maybe do chimera testing as well. This would be fairly involved testing, requiring around 30 tissue samples to get a half-way decent sample size. It could tell me however whether I am in fact an XX/XY chimera as the current evidence seems to suggest.
Finding said XY chromosomes could be tricky, however. In one documented case of a hermaphrodite woman who was fertile and gave birth to a child, she only had XY chromosomes in about 4% of her cells. The phrase 'finding a needle in a haystack' is most definitely apt there.
At any rate, I'm fairly happy with how things went with this doctor appointment on Friday. I also hope that this endocrinologist can give me some answers, clear up many questions which have bothered me for decades now. Now I just need to catch up on all the sleep I missed this week, which might be the trickiest thing of all.
I must say that I'm still happy to have this family doctor. Most important thing is that she never seems to judge me. Not like many other doctors, psychologists and others did, using their voice, body language and words. From my doctor I only sense a desire to figure this issue out somehow and bring it to a good ending. Almost as I am a fellow human being, with feelings and a mind of my own. I think it is pretty amazing when a health professional gives you that feeling, which is a bloody shame, indeed. No doctor should ever willingly and knowingly harm a patient. No doctor should be devoid of or lacking in empathy, empathy is a crucial part of doctor-patient interaction.
Here's to 'hoping for good results' part five-thousand something or other. I lost count already...
Maya
Showing posts with label sleepy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleepy. Show all posts
Sunday, 13 September 2015
Saturday, 2 November 2013
Media Madness; Thank You, Germany
First of all I'd like to apologize for any inconsistencies or nonsensical ramblings in the following text. I still haven't fully recovered from the happenings yesterday, which included four interviews, one of which requiring me to travel to Amsterdam to be present at the Netherlands' most important current affairs talkshow, Pauw & Witteman. It wasn't until 3 AM that I finally made it to my bed. Come Monday it'll all start again, with at least one more major interview scheduled.
The thing which set this all off was the decision by Germany to introduce a third gender option, basically an 'undetermined' option for when a child is born with unclear gender. This will allow said child to make any decision later and relieves parents and physicians from any pressure to make a decision and perform harmful, unneeded and forced genital surgery on an infant. Yesterday this new law became active and thus media around the world worked themselves up into a frenzy. I was one of those intersex individuals who got pounced upon to give my opinion.
To give an idea of how crazy yesterday was: late Thursday I just had one interview scheduled for Friday. A brief, 3-minute piece on Dutch Radio 2. Before noon on Friday, however, I had been contacted by a journalist for UK's Channel 4 News, another from BBC's World Service and the aforementioned talkshow. This resulted in a crammed-full schedule with regular phone calls as things got set up, a Skype interview and then a train journey to Amsterdam for Pauw & Witteman. Before heading off to the latter I also had to gather up and send photos and other materials, some of which still had to be scanned in.
The Channel 4 News interview was brief but fun and I heard from others that it looked quite well. The 3-minute radio interview went well too, with the hours of preparation somewhat silly in retrospect. The discussion I joined by BBC's World Have Your Say was disappointing with one of those staunch intersex organization fanatics taking the lead, with me and most of the others getting virtually no speaking time.
After those three interviews/discussions it was time to travel to Amsterdam for the talkshow. To be honest it was rather cool that I got invited for this. As far as news in the Netherlands goes it's about as far as one can get with a topic. It'd also be largely be about just me, with the general topic of intersex secondary. One could say that with this a dream of many years has come true.
On the way to Amsterdam I also found myself in interesting company, including a Polish guy, a Russian man and Dutch girl with an interest in Russian, Polish and other languages. It definitely made the time pass pretty quickly. Once in Amsterdam I walked to the studio from the central station, a brisk 20-minute walk. Though I hadn't been in Amsterdam's center for a while it was nevertheless still very familiar. It was the first time I walked the route again which brought me to near where the British girl I once dated used to live. This made it feel... strange, considering how much I and my situation have changed since then.
I arrived in time at the studio, where I was received by very friendly assistants. After running through the script with the main editor of the talkshow I was run through the obligatory make-up session, followed by the notification that it was almost time for the (live) show to start. Gathering at the studio's doors, we all awaited our cue. The rest is basically as seen in the broadcast of November 1st of the show. Despite initial doubts by the editor of the show that I might be somewhat too timid, she was really quite impressed after the show. First thing I heard from her was that the Twitter and other social media responses had exploded. People from the audience also wished to talk with me, expression their utmost respect and sympathy for me.
I must say that I felt quite flattered by it all. The show itself went very well, with me getting to say pretty much everything which needed to be said. Though I haven't rewatched the show (yet), I have only heard positive feedback on it, via Facebook, Twitter and the flood of emails I received via my site. I'm still working my way through those. After the show I spent some time talking with the other guests, including one of my idols, biologist Midas Dekkers, the journalist Arnold Karskens and Sunny Bergman. You can see a recording of the whole show as well as individual fragments on this page: http://pauwenwitteman.vara.nl/media/302957
After bidding everyone goodnight I left the studio, to be driven home by a taxi. This taxi driver is regularly hired by the talkshow to drive guests around, including politicians and the like. As a result we had a lot to talk about on the long drive home. Only after arriving at the place where I'm staying did I notice how tired it was. It was nearing 3 AM and I had been up since before 7 AM the previous day. Sleep seemed like a very good idea.
This morning I awoke with a pretty bad headache and general lethargic feeling. I guess it's a normal feeling for those who like to go wild in clubs on Friday night. I hadn't even touched a drop of alcohol the previous day and I already felt like a well-used chewing toy. Even as I am typing this I wouldn't describe my state as 'awake'. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be somewhat back to my usual self.
As things stand, though, despite yesterday being extremely stressful and tiring it nevertheless brought me much of what I had been dreaming off for years: attention, respect and acknowledgement by the media for everything which I had to go through. In many ways it makes me feel a lot less worse about myself and my situation. The flood of positive comments by viewers of the show also contributed a lot. Everyone seems to be rightfully outraged at the VUmc gender team for mistreating my case, as well as sympathetic about me moving to Germany. And it's not over yet.
On Monday I just have a single interview scheduled, with TIME magazine. It'll be interesting to see how that one works out, I guess. So far I'm not sure what format it'll get or how big it's going to be. Time will tell, I guess. Here's to hoping that things don't turn into a media frenzy again like yesterday. Though it's kinda fun, I'm not sure I can keep pulling 20-hour shifts like that :)
Maya
The thing which set this all off was the decision by Germany to introduce a third gender option, basically an 'undetermined' option for when a child is born with unclear gender. This will allow said child to make any decision later and relieves parents and physicians from any pressure to make a decision and perform harmful, unneeded and forced genital surgery on an infant. Yesterday this new law became active and thus media around the world worked themselves up into a frenzy. I was one of those intersex individuals who got pounced upon to give my opinion.
To give an idea of how crazy yesterday was: late Thursday I just had one interview scheduled for Friday. A brief, 3-minute piece on Dutch Radio 2. Before noon on Friday, however, I had been contacted by a journalist for UK's Channel 4 News, another from BBC's World Service and the aforementioned talkshow. This resulted in a crammed-full schedule with regular phone calls as things got set up, a Skype interview and then a train journey to Amsterdam for Pauw & Witteman. Before heading off to the latter I also had to gather up and send photos and other materials, some of which still had to be scanned in.
The Channel 4 News interview was brief but fun and I heard from others that it looked quite well. The 3-minute radio interview went well too, with the hours of preparation somewhat silly in retrospect. The discussion I joined by BBC's World Have Your Say was disappointing with one of those staunch intersex organization fanatics taking the lead, with me and most of the others getting virtually no speaking time.
After those three interviews/discussions it was time to travel to Amsterdam for the talkshow. To be honest it was rather cool that I got invited for this. As far as news in the Netherlands goes it's about as far as one can get with a topic. It'd also be largely be about just me, with the general topic of intersex secondary. One could say that with this a dream of many years has come true.
On the way to Amsterdam I also found myself in interesting company, including a Polish guy, a Russian man and Dutch girl with an interest in Russian, Polish and other languages. It definitely made the time pass pretty quickly. Once in Amsterdam I walked to the studio from the central station, a brisk 20-minute walk. Though I hadn't been in Amsterdam's center for a while it was nevertheless still very familiar. It was the first time I walked the route again which brought me to near where the British girl I once dated used to live. This made it feel... strange, considering how much I and my situation have changed since then.
I arrived in time at the studio, where I was received by very friendly assistants. After running through the script with the main editor of the talkshow I was run through the obligatory make-up session, followed by the notification that it was almost time for the (live) show to start. Gathering at the studio's doors, we all awaited our cue. The rest is basically as seen in the broadcast of November 1st of the show. Despite initial doubts by the editor of the show that I might be somewhat too timid, she was really quite impressed after the show. First thing I heard from her was that the Twitter and other social media responses had exploded. People from the audience also wished to talk with me, expression their utmost respect and sympathy for me.
I must say that I felt quite flattered by it all. The show itself went very well, with me getting to say pretty much everything which needed to be said. Though I haven't rewatched the show (yet), I have only heard positive feedback on it, via Facebook, Twitter and the flood of emails I received via my site. I'm still working my way through those. After the show I spent some time talking with the other guests, including one of my idols, biologist Midas Dekkers, the journalist Arnold Karskens and Sunny Bergman. You can see a recording of the whole show as well as individual fragments on this page: http://pauwenwitteman.vara.nl/media/302957
After bidding everyone goodnight I left the studio, to be driven home by a taxi. This taxi driver is regularly hired by the talkshow to drive guests around, including politicians and the like. As a result we had a lot to talk about on the long drive home. Only after arriving at the place where I'm staying did I notice how tired it was. It was nearing 3 AM and I had been up since before 7 AM the previous day. Sleep seemed like a very good idea.
This morning I awoke with a pretty bad headache and general lethargic feeling. I guess it's a normal feeling for those who like to go wild in clubs on Friday night. I hadn't even touched a drop of alcohol the previous day and I already felt like a well-used chewing toy. Even as I am typing this I wouldn't describe my state as 'awake'. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be somewhat back to my usual self.
As things stand, though, despite yesterday being extremely stressful and tiring it nevertheless brought me much of what I had been dreaming off for years: attention, respect and acknowledgement by the media for everything which I had to go through. In many ways it makes me feel a lot less worse about myself and my situation. The flood of positive comments by viewers of the show also contributed a lot. Everyone seems to be rightfully outraged at the VUmc gender team for mistreating my case, as well as sympathetic about me moving to Germany. And it's not over yet.
On Monday I just have a single interview scheduled, with TIME magazine. It'll be interesting to see how that one works out, I guess. So far I'm not sure what format it'll get or how big it's going to be. Time will tell, I guess. Here's to hoping that things don't turn into a media frenzy again like yesterday. Though it's kinda fun, I'm not sure I can keep pulling 20-hour shifts like that :)
Maya
Monday, 19 October 2009
Long, Long Days
Okay, this past weekend was absolutely crushingly fun and tiring. It kicked off nicely with the movie-and-talking night with the visit from the two friends I mentioned in my previous blog post. We watched a movie I got on the advice of a British friend: A Tale of Two Sisters (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0365376/). It's a 2003 South-Korean movie, and we all thought it was very interesting. It's psychological horror, and it's one of those movies which don't easily give up the secrets behind what in the world is happening and why. I think I got it, though, as did Pieter who was watching as well.
Both friends arrived here at around 8 PM and stayed until near 1 AM. I thought it was pretty fun. The guy reminded me somewhat of Trevor, which is never a bad impression :) We three spent a few hours just talking about a variety of subjects, including how they found out about me. Apparently they both saw my last appearance on Omroep Flevoland completely by accident while zapping about and kept watching. Being new to Almere and not having many friends there they apparently decided to contact me. Just shows how useful the media can be to me, I guess.
Getting to sleep that night took a while as a branch from a tree outside was scratching against the window and keeping me from sleeping so I had to migrate to the music room. I had to sleep on a quite thin mattress, so with only a few hours to go until I had to get up I somewhat drifted in and out of sleep. Count one for sleep deprivation.
On Saturday Pieter and I went to that retro gaming gathering, the video can be found at http://commodore-gg.hobby.nl/ as well as a collection of photos. See how many times you can see me on them and get a free kiss :p
It was pretty fun. To summarize in short: geeks and nerds galore, and slightly weird people are often the most fun to talk with. At the end of the day I had a sore throat from all the talking I did with dozens of people. I played on a variety of old systems, including Duck Hunt on the NES (first time, nearly perfect score, Zapper gun trigger digs into your finger, ergonomics and the 80s don't mix well), various games on the Commodore 64, and Crazy Taxi on the Dreamcast. I held an Atari Lynx 'handheld' which was big enough to crush small pets with and played a bit of Pong as well.
I helped a girl who was visiting the gathering with her brother to play some Salamander (shoot-'em'-up) on the MSX and we talked a bit afterwards during which I learned that she's a psychology student and when we noticed the film crew who had just arrived I mentioned having been on TV before and I ended up giving her my website's address when she expressed an interest in my story. By the end of the day I was completely crushed. Fun, but very tiring.
That night I took a sleeping pill, which helped a lot in getting a decent amount of sleeping. The offending tree branch was located and sacked.
Sunday was amusement park day and turned out to be somewhat dull, mostly due to the amusement park itself. We went with the usual group of people. As Pieter put it, it's a fun park to dump your children in for the day, but it's not aimed at adults. After a ride in the rollercoaster (kinda fun), and another ride which involved all of us getting somewhat wet, we went to the swimming pool (Tikibad).
I'm still sore with a few bumps on my right shoulder and hip where I got a bit too intimate with some of the slides. It was kind of fun, especially the two rides where you sit on an inner tube and slide down through pitch darkness. Less fun were the parts where I began to hyperventilate for a bit and the part where I collapsed into myself and didn't get out of it until this morning when I soaked Pieter's shirt with tears again.
Perhaps Sunday's trip was a bit too much, I feel so very tired and am having trouble staying happy, and that trip sure didn't help by putting me in line for a lot of confrontations with my own body and with the happiness of others. At any rate I'm glad I can do absolutely nothing but work this week.
I just got an email from a woman via my site's contact form. She claimed that she had just read the article on me in the Grazia. I haven't heard anything about the article getting published already in the Grazia from the journalist, however, so I just sent her an email on it. It would be awesome if it is published already, though :)
Update: the article got published, trying to figure out which number of the Grazia it is in (probably the one currently for sale), but I'll get 3 copies sent to me. I'll scan and translate the article as soon as I get it.
Maya
Both friends arrived here at around 8 PM and stayed until near 1 AM. I thought it was pretty fun. The guy reminded me somewhat of Trevor, which is never a bad impression :) We three spent a few hours just talking about a variety of subjects, including how they found out about me. Apparently they both saw my last appearance on Omroep Flevoland completely by accident while zapping about and kept watching. Being new to Almere and not having many friends there they apparently decided to contact me. Just shows how useful the media can be to me, I guess.
Getting to sleep that night took a while as a branch from a tree outside was scratching against the window and keeping me from sleeping so I had to migrate to the music room. I had to sleep on a quite thin mattress, so with only a few hours to go until I had to get up I somewhat drifted in and out of sleep. Count one for sleep deprivation.
On Saturday Pieter and I went to that retro gaming gathering, the video can be found at http://commodore-gg.hobby.nl/ as well as a collection of photos. See how many times you can see me on them and get a free kiss :p
It was pretty fun. To summarize in short: geeks and nerds galore, and slightly weird people are often the most fun to talk with. At the end of the day I had a sore throat from all the talking I did with dozens of people. I played on a variety of old systems, including Duck Hunt on the NES (first time, nearly perfect score, Zapper gun trigger digs into your finger, ergonomics and the 80s don't mix well), various games on the Commodore 64, and Crazy Taxi on the Dreamcast. I held an Atari Lynx 'handheld' which was big enough to crush small pets with and played a bit of Pong as well.
I helped a girl who was visiting the gathering with her brother to play some Salamander (shoot-'em'-up) on the MSX and we talked a bit afterwards during which I learned that she's a psychology student and when we noticed the film crew who had just arrived I mentioned having been on TV before and I ended up giving her my website's address when she expressed an interest in my story. By the end of the day I was completely crushed. Fun, but very tiring.
That night I took a sleeping pill, which helped a lot in getting a decent amount of sleeping. The offending tree branch was located and sacked.
Sunday was amusement park day and turned out to be somewhat dull, mostly due to the amusement park itself. We went with the usual group of people. As Pieter put it, it's a fun park to dump your children in for the day, but it's not aimed at adults. After a ride in the rollercoaster (kinda fun), and another ride which involved all of us getting somewhat wet, we went to the swimming pool (Tikibad).
I'm still sore with a few bumps on my right shoulder and hip where I got a bit too intimate with some of the slides. It was kind of fun, especially the two rides where you sit on an inner tube and slide down through pitch darkness. Less fun were the parts where I began to hyperventilate for a bit and the part where I collapsed into myself and didn't get out of it until this morning when I soaked Pieter's shirt with tears again.
Perhaps Sunday's trip was a bit too much, I feel so very tired and am having trouble staying happy, and that trip sure didn't help by putting me in line for a lot of confrontations with my own body and with the happiness of others. At any rate I'm glad I can do absolutely nothing but work this week.
I just got an email from a woman via my site's contact form. She claimed that she had just read the article on me in the Grazia. I haven't heard anything about the article getting published already in the Grazia from the journalist, however, so I just sent her an email on it. It would be awesome if it is published already, though :)
Update: the article got published, trying to figure out which number of the Grazia it is in (probably the one currently for sale), but I'll get 3 copies sent to me. I'll scan and translate the article as soon as I get it.
Maya
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Sweet Sleep
I actually managed to sleep for two hours after writing my previous blog post. I wrote some more of the Ocarina of Time novel (revising first chapter), before I went back to bed at 4.30 PM due to feeling unwell again. I read a few more chapters in my current book in the Drizzt Do'Urden Lost Realms series: The Legacy. It's a pretty good book, resuming the same writing style as the preceeding books in the Dark Elf Trilogy. It feels less clumsy and reads easier than the books in the Icewind Dale trilogy which admittedly were written first in this series. After reading those chapters I slept some more until Pieter returned from his work.
After waking up this time I felt incredibly depressed, crying for the second time that day (first time was after returning from the GP, while preparing breakfast). During breakfast I watched an episode of the Aria The Animation anime series, which cheered me up quite a bit. After waking up from my second nap today it was Pieter's turn to cheer me up.
I actually received a letter from the psychiatrist today, inviting me for an intake appointment on the 23rd. Of June. So to summarize, after waiting one month I get the invitation for the intake appointment one month from now. Even after that appointment I'll probably have to wait one month between each appointment again. Good thing I'm not suicidal. Oh wait...
Right now I'm feeling dazed, having repressed all negative feelings as much as possible while trying to ignore the incredible feeling of weariness pressing down on me. I'm actually managing to work some more on the OoT chapter. Hopefully I can release it later this or else next week. My hope is that it'll at least generate some positive feedback and possibly some donations.
It's past 11 PM now. Just waiting for Pieter to finish his WoW raid so that I can get my sleeping pill and retire to bed.
Maya
After waking up this time I felt incredibly depressed, crying for the second time that day (first time was after returning from the GP, while preparing breakfast). During breakfast I watched an episode of the Aria The Animation anime series, which cheered me up quite a bit. After waking up from my second nap today it was Pieter's turn to cheer me up.
I actually received a letter from the psychiatrist today, inviting me for an intake appointment on the 23rd. Of June. So to summarize, after waiting one month I get the invitation for the intake appointment one month from now. Even after that appointment I'll probably have to wait one month between each appointment again. Good thing I'm not suicidal. Oh wait...
Right now I'm feeling dazed, having repressed all negative feelings as much as possible while trying to ignore the incredible feeling of weariness pressing down on me. I'm actually managing to work some more on the OoT chapter. Hopefully I can release it later this or else next week. My hope is that it'll at least generate some positive feedback and possibly some donations.
It's past 11 PM now. Just waiting for Pieter to finish his WoW raid so that I can get my sleeping pill and retire to bed.
Maya
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Hiding From Everything
My memory is a bit fuzzy on the past days, so excuse the brief summary. Friday I didn't go to the gym either due to feeling rather tired. Saturday I tried to work a bit on a programming project, but when things didn't really work out, I kept losing my temper, which is unusual for me. The rest of the weekend I planned to take it easy. Sunday morning we went swimming as usual. After over an hour at the pool, however, I broke down emotionally and found myself crying in public for the first time in as far as I can remember.
Monday I had the appointment with my GP. She doesn't want to request a chimera test directly, as she doesn't want to become too involved in my case. She will however contact the VUMC to inquire about their refusal to perform any tests, as well as about other specialists in the Netherlands who could help me. Finally she had the results of the blood test: all of my hormone levels are normal, meaning that I won't have to change my dose, nor has an imbalance affected my mood lately.
After I returned from the GP I went to take a nap around noon, which turned out to last five hours. After dinner I got an email from my gym girl. An hour later I was at the gym, where she told me that she only had like fifteen minutes before she had to return home again. We did end up talking that time. I'm still not sure how much she knows about me yet, so I kept things a bit neutral, but I did tell her to read at least the summary on my site.
Last night I slept okay, only waking up once during the night. After being out of bed for about two hours, though, I felt so sick physically that I had to return to home. I ended up sleeping another two hours. Right now it's approaching 3 PM and I feel extremely tired again, so I'll return to bed now.
See you all later.
Maya
Monday I had the appointment with my GP. She doesn't want to request a chimera test directly, as she doesn't want to become too involved in my case. She will however contact the VUMC to inquire about their refusal to perform any tests, as well as about other specialists in the Netherlands who could help me. Finally she had the results of the blood test: all of my hormone levels are normal, meaning that I won't have to change my dose, nor has an imbalance affected my mood lately.
After I returned from the GP I went to take a nap around noon, which turned out to last five hours. After dinner I got an email from my gym girl. An hour later I was at the gym, where she told me that she only had like fifteen minutes before she had to return home again. We did end up talking that time. I'm still not sure how much she knows about me yet, so I kept things a bit neutral, but I did tell her to read at least the summary on my site.
Last night I slept okay, only waking up once during the night. After being out of bed for about two hours, though, I felt so sick physically that I had to return to home. I ended up sleeping another two hours. Right now it's approaching 3 PM and I feel extremely tired again, so I'll return to bed now.
See you all later.
Maya
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
Identity...
To answer the many comments I have received on my previous postings, here are my responses.
First of all, I accept that my body is primarily female in build, and also that I have always felt more comfortable with the role of a girl, or woman. I'd even go so far as saying that I have never felt male, can not imagine being one, and most definitely can not understand males. So far it sounds pretty okay, right?
My issues are many, with the physical issues centering around things like:
Being unhappy with/uncertain about my voice. I get a lot of nasty remarks about it, and while generally I try not to pay a great deal of attention to it, I'd really like to have the effects of the high testosterone levels undone through surgery.
Having facial hair growth. It's okay if people don't touch my face if they aren't yet aware of this, but if it were to happen and someone would recoil in horror/disgust or so, I'd gladly die on the spot. Having red marks after shaving is another thing thing I hate and something which is hard to cover up in the summer. The laser hair-removal therapy works, but will take at least another year.
Those are things which hurt and make me feel uncertain, whether it's in public or talking via phone. Their impact is not as great as the more purely emotional issues have on me.
Not having a sexual identity. Even aside from all the negativity I have encountered related to sexuality, my impression is that physically I am incapable of having sex. Incapable in the sense that there's a kind of mismatch between physical parts and the neural layout, leading to only disappointments and frustration. This is also the primary reason why I want more research on how my body is put together, how it works and what can possibly be fixed about it.
Unless one goes through something similar, it'd be hard to imagine the sheer amount of mental and emotional distress this kind of not knowing, not understanding generates. It is why I can not deal with references to sexuality and/or relationships no matter in which form, as it all reminds me of this big gap in me.
For the physical side, it hurts to know that sex with a female is both physically and neurologically a kind of travesty, while sex with a male is physically impossible as far as I'm concerned. Both of this generates a lot of bitterness inside me, makes me want to pretend sexuality doesn't exist, that my body doesn't have all these useless desires.
In all this, how am I supposed to feel like a girl? How am I supposed to be happy? What does having this body offer me but pain and frustration? Should I ignore all these things which I can not explain or deal with? I try, I fail regularly, it causes more pain.
I think too much, you say? I should just seek the things which make me happy and move from there? That too I have tried. You don't know what it's like to be happy one moment, then see, hear or read something which triggers what feels like a super-charged electric shock inside you, which makes you feel dazed and absolutely miserable for the rest of the day. You tell my subconsciousness to stay out of this. I can't do it.
As for my reasoning that I am 'nothing', I know that I have to be something something intersexual, but it's a huge range of more distinct labels. Like someone searching for a name for the disease one has, finally knowing the exact name and definition of it is an extremely relieving moment, even if that disease is terminal. There's nothing humans fear more than the unknown, the undefinable.
In other news, next Monday I've got an appointment with my GP. I have been feeling more and more tired every day, taking frequent naps and generally being short of breath during exercise, even if it's walking a few hundred meters. I have had this more or less my entire life already, but it seems to be getting worse this year. Since my mother had anemia when she was a child I'd like to have this option checked out.
Maya
First of all, I accept that my body is primarily female in build, and also that I have always felt more comfortable with the role of a girl, or woman. I'd even go so far as saying that I have never felt male, can not imagine being one, and most definitely can not understand males. So far it sounds pretty okay, right?
My issues are many, with the physical issues centering around things like:
Being unhappy with/uncertain about my voice. I get a lot of nasty remarks about it, and while generally I try not to pay a great deal of attention to it, I'd really like to have the effects of the high testosterone levels undone through surgery.
Having facial hair growth. It's okay if people don't touch my face if they aren't yet aware of this, but if it were to happen and someone would recoil in horror/disgust or so, I'd gladly die on the spot. Having red marks after shaving is another thing thing I hate and something which is hard to cover up in the summer. The laser hair-removal therapy works, but will take at least another year.
Those are things which hurt and make me feel uncertain, whether it's in public or talking via phone. Their impact is not as great as the more purely emotional issues have on me.
Not having a sexual identity. Even aside from all the negativity I have encountered related to sexuality, my impression is that physically I am incapable of having sex. Incapable in the sense that there's a kind of mismatch between physical parts and the neural layout, leading to only disappointments and frustration. This is also the primary reason why I want more research on how my body is put together, how it works and what can possibly be fixed about it.
Unless one goes through something similar, it'd be hard to imagine the sheer amount of mental and emotional distress this kind of not knowing, not understanding generates. It is why I can not deal with references to sexuality and/or relationships no matter in which form, as it all reminds me of this big gap in me.
For the physical side, it hurts to know that sex with a female is both physically and neurologically a kind of travesty, while sex with a male is physically impossible as far as I'm concerned. Both of this generates a lot of bitterness inside me, makes me want to pretend sexuality doesn't exist, that my body doesn't have all these useless desires.
In all this, how am I supposed to feel like a girl? How am I supposed to be happy? What does having this body offer me but pain and frustration? Should I ignore all these things which I can not explain or deal with? I try, I fail regularly, it causes more pain.
I think too much, you say? I should just seek the things which make me happy and move from there? That too I have tried. You don't know what it's like to be happy one moment, then see, hear or read something which triggers what feels like a super-charged electric shock inside you, which makes you feel dazed and absolutely miserable for the rest of the day. You tell my subconsciousness to stay out of this. I can't do it.
As for my reasoning that I am 'nothing', I know that I have to be something something intersexual, but it's a huge range of more distinct labels. Like someone searching for a name for the disease one has, finally knowing the exact name and definition of it is an extremely relieving moment, even if that disease is terminal. There's nothing humans fear more than the unknown, the undefinable.
In other news, next Monday I've got an appointment with my GP. I have been feeling more and more tired every day, taking frequent naps and generally being short of breath during exercise, even if it's walking a few hundred meters. I have had this more or less my entire life already, but it seems to be getting worse this year. Since my mother had anemia when she was a child I'd like to have this option checked out.
Maya
Friday, 4 April 2008
Still Alive~
As I write this, the painkillers I took earlier have just kicked in, resulting in a rather pleasant fluffy daze kind of sensation. Apparently I'm still rather sensitive to any kind of drug :P but forgive me if anything I write now sounds a bit... odd~
This morning at 5 AM NG and I got up and prepared for our journey to Rotterdam. At 6.20 AM we boarded our train, at around 8.10 we entered the Erasmus hospital, where after a long and arduous registration process thanks to my double identity, we sat down in the waiting room.
I had actually managed to eat a few slices of bread (with jam) this morning before we left, for which I was glad at one side, yet less so at another, as when I was waiting there for about 15 minutes I was feeling completely sick to my stomach from anxiety. Then we were called inside by the specialist, Marjan van den Berg. After a short introduction, I explained my situation to her.
Even though she told me that especially at this point she could mean very little to me, she'd nevertheless send the CD with the MRI images I gave her to the radiologists in the laboratory of the Erasmus MC, where it'd be interpreted. With 3 weeks she'll call me, hopefully to make a further appointment.
If they confirm the German MRI scan report, it should be pretty much a home run for me, which is what I'm hoping for, obviously. It's going to be exciting yet again waiting for Van den Berg's phone call. I'll keep my fingers crossed until the 25th...
At any rate I'd describe my mood as cautiously happy. I got out of this appointment pretty much anything I could have hoped for. Above all this was the first time I got treated like a human being, instead of a shriveled up piece of junk, like they loved to do at the VUMC, who'll have to send their files to the Erasmus MC as well. It's going to be fun to see how that one works out, especially if the radiologists confirm the German conclusion.
After NG and I returned home, he soon left again to attend a wedding (he'd much rather just have slept the rest of the day :P ). I went to bed shortly after he left, and woke up a short while ago with the most terrible headache I've had in a long time, migraines excluded. Perhaps I'll kick back a few shots of tequila to ease the pain further... No, I'm not thinking of becoming an alcoholic ;)
Until later~
Maya
This morning at 5 AM NG and I got up and prepared for our journey to Rotterdam. At 6.20 AM we boarded our train, at around 8.10 we entered the Erasmus hospital, where after a long and arduous registration process thanks to my double identity, we sat down in the waiting room.
I had actually managed to eat a few slices of bread (with jam) this morning before we left, for which I was glad at one side, yet less so at another, as when I was waiting there for about 15 minutes I was feeling completely sick to my stomach from anxiety. Then we were called inside by the specialist, Marjan van den Berg. After a short introduction, I explained my situation to her.
Even though she told me that especially at this point she could mean very little to me, she'd nevertheless send the CD with the MRI images I gave her to the radiologists in the laboratory of the Erasmus MC, where it'd be interpreted. With 3 weeks she'll call me, hopefully to make a further appointment.
If they confirm the German MRI scan report, it should be pretty much a home run for me, which is what I'm hoping for, obviously. It's going to be exciting yet again waiting for Van den Berg's phone call. I'll keep my fingers crossed until the 25th...
At any rate I'd describe my mood as cautiously happy. I got out of this appointment pretty much anything I could have hoped for. Above all this was the first time I got treated like a human being, instead of a shriveled up piece of junk, like they loved to do at the VUMC, who'll have to send their files to the Erasmus MC as well. It's going to be fun to see how that one works out, especially if the radiologists confirm the German conclusion.
After NG and I returned home, he soon left again to attend a wedding (he'd much rather just have slept the rest of the day :P ). I went to bed shortly after he left, and woke up a short while ago with the most terrible headache I've had in a long time, migraines excluded. Perhaps I'll kick back a few shots of tequila to ease the pain further... No, I'm not thinking of becoming an alcoholic ;)
Until later~
Maya
Monday, 10 March 2008
Work-A-Holic~
So yesterday went a bit different from what I expected. Main problem was that I began feeling tired again shortly after arriving at B's place. I've been napping for around 2 hours every day for weeks now, and that day was no exception. It's no fun trying to teach someone anything when you just want to curl up on a soft bed and sleep for a few hours.
B's mom was at B's place as well, and during our conversation we came at a point where I felt I should just tell her about my 'secret'. She dealt with it really well, and then I learned that she works at a hospital here in the Netherlands, the Erasmus MC in Rotterdam. She expressed interest in helping me find help and so we exchanged email addresses and I emailed her a copy of the MRI scan report the same day. Hopefully she can find some good contacts :)
By the end of yesterday I was completely worn out, and felt a bit nauseous. I still managed to ride my bicycle home, though. Once home I began to feel somewhat light-headed, however, and after a quick check it seemed that I had developed a mild fever. This morning it seemed to have passed mostly, though my body temperature still seems to be a bit out of control, with me feeling overly warm during the day, even outside. I hope I'll feel fine tomorrow as I've got a busy schedule.
First thing tomorrow is the ELOS hair-removal treatment, which is a method I haven't tried before, so I'm really excited to learn what it can do for me. It should work a lot better on light hairs than IPL, so I'm understandably kind of excited :)
Next up is an appointment with my physician, who should have received my file by now and read it. Hopefully she can help me find a specialist willing to help me. I'm mildly optimistic about this appointment.
A big worry I'm dealing with at the moment is money. Although I'll get a decent sum of money from my freelancing work in Norway this month, I must ensure to get a stable income as soon as possible, which means that I have to work like crazy. In other words there's no way I'm going to educate anyone for free in web development or such, nor will I be wasting time on anything whatsoever.
Fortunately my desire to work seems to be returning now that emotionally things seem to be settling down. I still should avoid situations which might distract me, as it's emotionally rather taxing to divert the negative energy every time some trauma or such gets triggered. The fact that lately I've been sleeping about 2 hours during the day, usually after lunch simply because I'd feel completely drained and unable to concentrate on anything is a definite sign that things haven't settled down yet.
So anyway, it's work-a-holic time for me, accompanied by eating lots of chocolate ;)
Maya
B's mom was at B's place as well, and during our conversation we came at a point where I felt I should just tell her about my 'secret'. She dealt with it really well, and then I learned that she works at a hospital here in the Netherlands, the Erasmus MC in Rotterdam. She expressed interest in helping me find help and so we exchanged email addresses and I emailed her a copy of the MRI scan report the same day. Hopefully she can find some good contacts :)
By the end of yesterday I was completely worn out, and felt a bit nauseous. I still managed to ride my bicycle home, though. Once home I began to feel somewhat light-headed, however, and after a quick check it seemed that I had developed a mild fever. This morning it seemed to have passed mostly, though my body temperature still seems to be a bit out of control, with me feeling overly warm during the day, even outside. I hope I'll feel fine tomorrow as I've got a busy schedule.
First thing tomorrow is the ELOS hair-removal treatment, which is a method I haven't tried before, so I'm really excited to learn what it can do for me. It should work a lot better on light hairs than IPL, so I'm understandably kind of excited :)
Next up is an appointment with my physician, who should have received my file by now and read it. Hopefully she can help me find a specialist willing to help me. I'm mildly optimistic about this appointment.
A big worry I'm dealing with at the moment is money. Although I'll get a decent sum of money from my freelancing work in Norway this month, I must ensure to get a stable income as soon as possible, which means that I have to work like crazy. In other words there's no way I'm going to educate anyone for free in web development or such, nor will I be wasting time on anything whatsoever.
Fortunately my desire to work seems to be returning now that emotionally things seem to be settling down. I still should avoid situations which might distract me, as it's emotionally rather taxing to divert the negative energy every time some trauma or such gets triggered. The fact that lately I've been sleeping about 2 hours during the day, usually after lunch simply because I'd feel completely drained and unable to concentrate on anything is a definite sign that things haven't settled down yet.
So anyway, it's work-a-holic time for me, accompanied by eating lots of chocolate ;)
Maya
Saturday, 16 February 2008
Miracles~
Well, paint me pink and call me Shirley, but I still can't seem to figure out what I did right yesterday after I wrote my blog, in which I complained loudly about how Moodle refused to install. When I reloaded the tab I had the install page on, suddenly the install script started working and I was able to install Moodle without any complications. It's a friggin' miracle. Now to fix things up tomorrow.
Yesterday I thought that I'd be home today at around 6-7 PM. As it turned out, it'd be closer to 7.30. Ah well. I also didn't count on being so completely tired and exhausted. As I'm writing this I'm pretty much falling asleep. Please excuse any lapses in sense-making.
As planned, I spent 2 hours (from 10.00 to 12.00) in the pool, in my new bikini (yes, I know I promised to show pics of it before :P ). It was a great sensation to be in the water again, after a 6-year gap. I spent a lot of time playing with the children of my aunts and uncles. It really was a lot of fun, and I didn't get any weird stares (I did get stares, but I'm not sure how weird they were).
Anyway, after the swimming we all went to the restaurant, where we had lots of pancakes, in a wide range of varieties. It was rather yummy, and I got to meet a lot of family members I hadn't seen in years. This was all great, except for my niece. I felt rather disappointed about her, since I had expected something much bigger from her. Right now she's pregnant with her second child, and is about to marry this year with a macho guy with the IQ of a fish. Not that she seems that intelligent now. Quite a shame.
I also met my father again after 2 years or so. He seemed rather timid at seeing me, but I simply moved towards him, said hi and kissed him on the cheeks. In the restaurant he also sat down next to me and we talked for a bit. I also went with my older brother and father to the latter's house (my old house) and chatted there a bit more. It was all relatively positive, which is a definite improvement from the previous situation.
I went to visit my mother and her friend F at the latter's bookshop, Bonte Boeken in Hoorn, which is a rather nice store, I must say. When I arrived there they both weren't in the shop, but had gone into town for some shopping, so I got the parcel from the woman managing the shop and stayed for a bit to chat. When it turned 5 PM (I had arrived past 4 PM), my mother and F returned from their shopping spree and we went upstairs (where F lives) to drink some tea. I got to chat with the daughter of F, who I hadn't seen in 3 years either. She seemed a bit distant at first, but slowly she warmed up to me, and was disappointed when I had to leave. I thought that was really nice :)
So yeah, all together I've renewed a lot of contacts, got my medicine, and got to wear a bikini in a public pool for the first time ever. Definitely a good day. Tomorrow I'll probably be working, and a bit on Monday as well. Monday I'll have to start packing, though, as Mr Nice Guy will pick me up between 8 and 9 PM to get me and all my belongings to his place. I must say that I feel really grateful to both him and these people here in Zaandam who have gracefully allowed me to stay in their house for around a month.
Nice people really do exist, even if they can be a bit hard to find sometimes~
Maya
Yesterday I thought that I'd be home today at around 6-7 PM. As it turned out, it'd be closer to 7.30. Ah well. I also didn't count on being so completely tired and exhausted. As I'm writing this I'm pretty much falling asleep. Please excuse any lapses in sense-making.
As planned, I spent 2 hours (from 10.00 to 12.00) in the pool, in my new bikini (yes, I know I promised to show pics of it before :P ). It was a great sensation to be in the water again, after a 6-year gap. I spent a lot of time playing with the children of my aunts and uncles. It really was a lot of fun, and I didn't get any weird stares (I did get stares, but I'm not sure how weird they were).
Anyway, after the swimming we all went to the restaurant, where we had lots of pancakes, in a wide range of varieties. It was rather yummy, and I got to meet a lot of family members I hadn't seen in years. This was all great, except for my niece. I felt rather disappointed about her, since I had expected something much bigger from her. Right now she's pregnant with her second child, and is about to marry this year with a macho guy with the IQ of a fish. Not that she seems that intelligent now. Quite a shame.
I also met my father again after 2 years or so. He seemed rather timid at seeing me, but I simply moved towards him, said hi and kissed him on the cheeks. In the restaurant he also sat down next to me and we talked for a bit. I also went with my older brother and father to the latter's house (my old house) and chatted there a bit more. It was all relatively positive, which is a definite improvement from the previous situation.
I went to visit my mother and her friend F at the latter's bookshop, Bonte Boeken in Hoorn, which is a rather nice store, I must say. When I arrived there they both weren't in the shop, but had gone into town for some shopping, so I got the parcel from the woman managing the shop and stayed for a bit to chat. When it turned 5 PM (I had arrived past 4 PM), my mother and F returned from their shopping spree and we went upstairs (where F lives) to drink some tea. I got to chat with the daughter of F, who I hadn't seen in 3 years either. She seemed a bit distant at first, but slowly she warmed up to me, and was disappointed when I had to leave. I thought that was really nice :)
So yeah, all together I've renewed a lot of contacts, got my medicine, and got to wear a bikini in a public pool for the first time ever. Definitely a good day. Tomorrow I'll probably be working, and a bit on Monday as well. Monday I'll have to start packing, though, as Mr Nice Guy will pick me up between 8 and 9 PM to get me and all my belongings to his place. I must say that I feel really grateful to both him and these people here in Zaandam who have gracefully allowed me to stay in their house for around a month.
Nice people really do exist, even if they can be a bit hard to find sometimes~
Maya
Tuesday, 12 February 2008
Sickeningly Productive~
Last night I went to bed at around 2 AM yet again, but for a very good reason. A conversation and cam session on MSN with a Norwegian friend which started about my epilated eyebrows devolved after a while into another crying and sniffling session from my side. I feel kind of bad for him, exposing him to more of whining me after 5 weeks of it in Norway :P
Anyway, I got up at around 8 AM and from there on the day is a bit of a blur. I remember talking to some people, feeling really tired yet still deciding to continue working on some things I had left lying around for a long time now. I also read over 80 pages of the AD&D handbook I got from Mr Nice Guy, so that I can participate in the gaming with his friends. I feel like writing an AD&D game now :P
Once I'm in Almere I have to find a place where they perform so-called Blend hair removal, which combines laser/IPL with electrolysis. It's the most effective method. Not exactly cheap, but I should get all my money back anyway. I'll be so happy if I get good news the 20th.
Other things to take care of in Almere: buying a bicycle, 'moving' myself to the local branch of my bank, getting my stuff back from the moving company and finding an apartment, the latter being more long-term, obviously. First I need to take care of everything financial so that I can rent something officially in the first place.
I finally wrote down the points I wish to discuss at the VUMC, as they're the things which bother me the most about my IS condition:
- living with multiple identities, with piles of problems because of it.
- An inability to feel truly female, with a virtually invisible (from the outside) and practically unusable vagina, in addition to facial hair growth and all the emotional issues which come with it.
- Health concerns. How my IS condition has already affected me and will affect me in the future if left untreated.
Central in this is also that I don't see the fact that I have a proto-penis as a major obstacle to living a normal life. Yes, it's not 'normal', but nothing can ever change the fact that I was born IS and hell, I am allowed to find it at least somewhat interesting and a part of who I am.
Sometimes you just have to be happy with the things which aren't a problem to begin with.
Maya
Anyway, I got up at around 8 AM and from there on the day is a bit of a blur. I remember talking to some people, feeling really tired yet still deciding to continue working on some things I had left lying around for a long time now. I also read over 80 pages of the AD&D handbook I got from Mr Nice Guy, so that I can participate in the gaming with his friends. I feel like writing an AD&D game now :P
Once I'm in Almere I have to find a place where they perform so-called Blend hair removal, which combines laser/IPL with electrolysis. It's the most effective method. Not exactly cheap, but I should get all my money back anyway. I'll be so happy if I get good news the 20th.
Other things to take care of in Almere: buying a bicycle, 'moving' myself to the local branch of my bank, getting my stuff back from the moving company and finding an apartment, the latter being more long-term, obviously. First I need to take care of everything financial so that I can rent something officially in the first place.
I finally wrote down the points I wish to discuss at the VUMC, as they're the things which bother me the most about my IS condition:
- living with multiple identities, with piles of problems because of it.
- An inability to feel truly female, with a virtually invisible (from the outside) and practically unusable vagina, in addition to facial hair growth and all the emotional issues which come with it.
- Health concerns. How my IS condition has already affected me and will affect me in the future if left untreated.
Central in this is also that I don't see the fact that I have a proto-penis as a major obstacle to living a normal life. Yes, it's not 'normal', but nothing can ever change the fact that I was born IS and hell, I am allowed to find it at least somewhat interesting and a part of who I am.
Sometimes you just have to be happy with the things which aren't a problem to begin with.
Maya
Monday, 11 February 2008
Sorry About That~
If one needed more proof that I use this blog just to whine and complain whenever I'm alone, just look at the updates the past weekend. Indeed, there were none :P Sorry about that ^_^
So Friday I got picked up by Mr Nice Guy. At his place we watched movies until it was nearly 4 AM, then passed out (well, I did at least). The next morning I was dragged out of bed by him because it was around 11 AM already, and we had to be at friend B's house by 12. At around 12.40 we finally arrived.
For me it was the first time to meet B in real life, and she and I definitely got along that day. She was painting shelves inside, while I sanded them down outside on the balcony until her friend (M) came home and took over my job. Later, after a refreshing shower, we (me, B, M and Mr Nice Guy) sat down at the dinner table to eat. A few hours later we'd go to the cinema, so after dinner the guys went to play by themselves, while B and I went to the bedroom for some girl stuff :P
In between some girl talk also involving lingerie and more, I had to go lie down on the bed to have my eyebrows epilated. Another first for me. It hurts quite a bit, but the result is more than worth it :D Also, guys are incapable of seeing the difference between epilated and non-epilated eyebrows. At least those are my experiences so far :P
The movie we watched in the cinema was pretty cool, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. At the more bloody points I had to bury my face in Mr Nice Guy's sweater, though. It was a tad too gruesome for my taste or something ^_^ Afterwards we went back to B & M's place to drop them off. B went to bed already since she had an application talk the next morning, so NG, M and I talked for a bit. We went to bed at close to 2.30 AM that night :P
The next morning (Sunday, in case you haven't been keeping track) I woke up close to noon again. I'd be dropped off later that afternoon in Zaandam again, but first we had a long talk. What follows is some really shocking and/or happy news to some ;)
Essentially, NG has a nice big house with enough space for me to stay there for a while. I also met some really nice friends last weekend, and there are yet many more I haven't met yet. In essence I have decided to move to Almere and find there my own place as soon as I can afford it (financially).
It feels really good to have made this decision. Last night I even had a really interesting dream. If you may remember, I talked about dreams I had before, involving school and me feeling trapped there. Well, in this most recent dream I also was in school, but this time I was free. I felt no obligations, no pressure. I was just looking around instead of being trapped in a class room and feeling threatened by everything and everyone. It seems as though I have changed quite a bit in the past few days. Simply amazing.
When I returned home on Sunday, I found there a letter from the VUMC. With fear and excitement fighting over the right to claim my heart, I opened and read it. To my great relief and joy it was a confirmation letter for the complaint letter I had sent to the VUMC's complaint commission before. They just wanted me to know that they had accepted the complaint and wanted me to sign a document granting them access to my personal files the VUMC has. This document I mailed back earlier today. Within three months from now this whole issue should be resolved.
I also contacted the moving company, to tell them they can return my stuff to the address in Almere. My schedule looks as follows now: this week I'll be working, then Saturday there's the family gathering, Sunday nothing, Monday the move to Almere, Tuesday the moving company and Wednesday the appointment at the VUMC. Nicely crammed after each other :P
Today I got dragged to Amsterdam to do some shopping on the market there. I got a nice pink bracelet. A short while ago I was sitting downstairs with the lady of the house, and got some more jewelry from her. Really pretty stars, turtles and dragonflies as well as chains :D
Wish me luck on this next step in my Journey of Life~ (oh, the drama!) *giggles*
Maya
So Friday I got picked up by Mr Nice Guy. At his place we watched movies until it was nearly 4 AM, then passed out (well, I did at least). The next morning I was dragged out of bed by him because it was around 11 AM already, and we had to be at friend B's house by 12. At around 12.40 we finally arrived.
For me it was the first time to meet B in real life, and she and I definitely got along that day. She was painting shelves inside, while I sanded them down outside on the balcony until her friend (M) came home and took over my job. Later, after a refreshing shower, we (me, B, M and Mr Nice Guy) sat down at the dinner table to eat. A few hours later we'd go to the cinema, so after dinner the guys went to play by themselves, while B and I went to the bedroom for some girl stuff :P
In between some girl talk also involving lingerie and more, I had to go lie down on the bed to have my eyebrows epilated. Another first for me. It hurts quite a bit, but the result is more than worth it :D Also, guys are incapable of seeing the difference between epilated and non-epilated eyebrows. At least those are my experiences so far :P
The movie we watched in the cinema was pretty cool, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. At the more bloody points I had to bury my face in Mr Nice Guy's sweater, though. It was a tad too gruesome for my taste or something ^_^ Afterwards we went back to B & M's place to drop them off. B went to bed already since she had an application talk the next morning, so NG, M and I talked for a bit. We went to bed at close to 2.30 AM that night :P
The next morning (Sunday, in case you haven't been keeping track) I woke up close to noon again. I'd be dropped off later that afternoon in Zaandam again, but first we had a long talk. What follows is some really shocking and/or happy news to some ;)
Essentially, NG has a nice big house with enough space for me to stay there for a while. I also met some really nice friends last weekend, and there are yet many more I haven't met yet. In essence I have decided to move to Almere and find there my own place as soon as I can afford it (financially).
It feels really good to have made this decision. Last night I even had a really interesting dream. If you may remember, I talked about dreams I had before, involving school and me feeling trapped there. Well, in this most recent dream I also was in school, but this time I was free. I felt no obligations, no pressure. I was just looking around instead of being trapped in a class room and feeling threatened by everything and everyone. It seems as though I have changed quite a bit in the past few days. Simply amazing.
When I returned home on Sunday, I found there a letter from the VUMC. With fear and excitement fighting over the right to claim my heart, I opened and read it. To my great relief and joy it was a confirmation letter for the complaint letter I had sent to the VUMC's complaint commission before. They just wanted me to know that they had accepted the complaint and wanted me to sign a document granting them access to my personal files the VUMC has. This document I mailed back earlier today. Within three months from now this whole issue should be resolved.
I also contacted the moving company, to tell them they can return my stuff to the address in Almere. My schedule looks as follows now: this week I'll be working, then Saturday there's the family gathering, Sunday nothing, Monday the move to Almere, Tuesday the moving company and Wednesday the appointment at the VUMC. Nicely crammed after each other :P
Today I got dragged to Amsterdam to do some shopping on the market there. I got a nice pink bracelet. A short while ago I was sitting downstairs with the lady of the house, and got some more jewelry from her. Really pretty stars, turtles and dragonflies as well as chains :D
Wish me luck on this next step in my Journey of Life~ (oh, the drama!) *giggles*
Maya
Friday, 8 February 2008
Not Sure, Exactly...
Yesterday's post definitely got me a lot of comments, and also a lot of sympathy. I'm still not feeling one-hundred percent, but at least I have calmed down emotionally, albeit while feeling tired and somewhat out of it all day.
Last night I went to bed at around 11 PM, right after writing the blog post and while feeling too miserable to even cry, as well as bumping into everything while preparing for bed as though I had lost control of the finer motions of my body. Fortunately I was able to fall asleep quite quickly. Yet when I woke up, I still felt miserable and depressed, possibly more than before I went to bed. I also felt tired, yet with thoughts racing in my mind I felt too restless to sleep more.
When I said 'restless' I meant that at points I was just abusing the pillow out of frustration and pain. When I got out of bed, I started hitting the lower part of my tummy and especially the groin area repeatedly with a lot of force using my clenched fists, to then start crying in sheer misery. Since going back to bed was no option, I then sat down behind my notebook and fired up MSN again, which I had shut down yesterday night when I felt like pushing out the entire world.
I then noticed that it was only about 3.30 AM, meaning that I had had only about 4 hours of sleep. No wonder I felt tired. Unsure of what I was going to do to pass the time aside from watching some videos, suddenly a female friend contacted me on MSN. She had earlier posted a comment on my previous post and wanted to discuss it a bit more. My (male) friend also noticed that I was online and thus I ended up discussing yesterday's post in finer details with the two of them. I'm not sure exactly what was said or done, but I do remember that I cried a lot yet gradually grew calmer until I began to start nodding off on my chair.
At 6 AM I went back to bed and quickly fell asleep. Then around 11 AM I got a phonecall which woke me up. It was the friend from Almere who got worried about me since I didn't respond on MSN (stupid auto-away didn't work), had changed my MSN avatar to something less happy and didn't respond to multiple emails. On the phone I assured him that I was fine, yet really wanted to sleep some more :)
Unfortunately, if I'm awoken in such a fashion it's really hard for me to get back to sleep again, so before 12 PM I got out of bed, got dressed and had brunch. For some reason while trying to get back to sleep earlier I got this sudden brainwave on an artificial intelligence project I'm working on, and felt really motivated to work on it, so aside from watching some videos, that's what I've been spending my time on today.
I'm not sure when I'll be posting a new blog post tomorrow, as I'll be picked up from home at around 8.30 PM to spend the weekend in Almere, but I'll try to post every day :)
So long, all you funny little people~
Maya
Last night I went to bed at around 11 PM, right after writing the blog post and while feeling too miserable to even cry, as well as bumping into everything while preparing for bed as though I had lost control of the finer motions of my body. Fortunately I was able to fall asleep quite quickly. Yet when I woke up, I still felt miserable and depressed, possibly more than before I went to bed. I also felt tired, yet with thoughts racing in my mind I felt too restless to sleep more.
When I said 'restless' I meant that at points I was just abusing the pillow out of frustration and pain. When I got out of bed, I started hitting the lower part of my tummy and especially the groin area repeatedly with a lot of force using my clenched fists, to then start crying in sheer misery. Since going back to bed was no option, I then sat down behind my notebook and fired up MSN again, which I had shut down yesterday night when I felt like pushing out the entire world.
I then noticed that it was only about 3.30 AM, meaning that I had had only about 4 hours of sleep. No wonder I felt tired. Unsure of what I was going to do to pass the time aside from watching some videos, suddenly a female friend contacted me on MSN. She had earlier posted a comment on my previous post and wanted to discuss it a bit more. My (male) friend also noticed that I was online and thus I ended up discussing yesterday's post in finer details with the two of them. I'm not sure exactly what was said or done, but I do remember that I cried a lot yet gradually grew calmer until I began to start nodding off on my chair.
At 6 AM I went back to bed and quickly fell asleep. Then around 11 AM I got a phonecall which woke me up. It was the friend from Almere who got worried about me since I didn't respond on MSN (stupid auto-away didn't work), had changed my MSN avatar to something less happy and didn't respond to multiple emails. On the phone I assured him that I was fine, yet really wanted to sleep some more :)
Unfortunately, if I'm awoken in such a fashion it's really hard for me to get back to sleep again, so before 12 PM I got out of bed, got dressed and had brunch. For some reason while trying to get back to sleep earlier I got this sudden brainwave on an artificial intelligence project I'm working on, and felt really motivated to work on it, so aside from watching some videos, that's what I've been spending my time on today.
I'm not sure when I'll be posting a new blog post tomorrow, as I'll be picked up from home at around 8.30 PM to spend the weekend in Almere, but I'll try to post every day :)
So long, all you funny little people~
Maya
Wednesday, 6 February 2008
Fun~
First of all, I'm being incredibly naughty right now by staying up this late. It's past 1 AM already and I have to be up in around 6 hours. As usual I'll be hating myself in the morning :P
Today I woke up after yet another 10-hour sleeping marathon. Most of the day I then spent on trying to make a bloody webserver installation work (Apache, MySQL and PHP). No kind of database functionality seems to work in PHP right now, with scripts terminating at any database call without any kind of error message. I'll just have to wipe the thing and start over again, I guess. The automatic configuration of Apache by the PHP installer may be to blame as well. I don't know, but I'll do a manual install this time of PHP.
What I'm really looking forward to is something I discussed today with some friends in Almere. Next weekend we'll go to the cinema with the four of us. I'll also help the other girl in the group with painting inside her house earlier on Saturday. Yes, I know I'm being too nice :P I think I'll be a really fun weekend, though. And don't worry, this time I'll bring my laptop with me so that I can keep posting updates on my blog :D
So tomorrow my train departs just after 9 AM, and around 10 AM I'll be trying to fix their PC as well as the laptop of my brother. I've got a few hours for that before I have to return to be in time for the neighbour's girl who is dropping by early in the afternoon.
At least Thursday is still a blank spot in my agenda. Time to catch up on some work :D
Maya
Today I woke up after yet another 10-hour sleeping marathon. Most of the day I then spent on trying to make a bloody webserver installation work (Apache, MySQL and PHP). No kind of database functionality seems to work in PHP right now, with scripts terminating at any database call without any kind of error message. I'll just have to wipe the thing and start over again, I guess. The automatic configuration of Apache by the PHP installer may be to blame as well. I don't know, but I'll do a manual install this time of PHP.
What I'm really looking forward to is something I discussed today with some friends in Almere. Next weekend we'll go to the cinema with the four of us. I'll also help the other girl in the group with painting inside her house earlier on Saturday. Yes, I know I'm being too nice :P I think I'll be a really fun weekend, though. And don't worry, this time I'll bring my laptop with me so that I can keep posting updates on my blog :D
So tomorrow my train departs just after 9 AM, and around 10 AM I'll be trying to fix their PC as well as the laptop of my brother. I've got a few hours for that before I have to return to be in time for the neighbour's girl who is dropping by early in the afternoon.
At least Thursday is still a blank spot in my agenda. Time to catch up on some work :D
Maya
Saturday, 2 February 2008
Tired~
Today I spent over five hours in trains, occupying myself mostly with nodding off. Last night I got around 5 hours of sleep, which explains why I felt incredibly tired on my way back from Enschede.
I also met my mother and my younger brother in Enschede, who I hadn't seen since December last year. It was nice to see them again, and my mother kept telling me how much better I looked than before I left for Canada. Thanks, mom :)
I checked out two rooms, one of which was suitable. I'll hear more about whether they've chosen me or not next week. Next week I've also got at least two more appointments scheduled, on Tuesday. Those are rooms closer to the center of Enschede. I really hope they're as nice as I think they are.
Anyway, it's bed time. See you all tomorrow.
Maya
I also met my mother and my younger brother in Enschede, who I hadn't seen since December last year. It was nice to see them again, and my mother kept telling me how much better I looked than before I left for Canada. Thanks, mom :)
I checked out two rooms, one of which was suitable. I'll hear more about whether they've chosen me or not next week. Next week I've also got at least two more appointments scheduled, on Tuesday. Those are rooms closer to the center of Enschede. I really hope they're as nice as I think they are.
Anyway, it's bed time. See you all tomorrow.
Maya
Tuesday, 29 January 2008
Continuing...
Today I encountered a series of contradicting forces. Everything started off right; I awoke around 7 AM, got dressed and had breakfast. Afterwards I sat down behind my laptop and prepared for the backing up of data and the re-installation of Windows on the darned thing. As I was working on the preparations whilst checking some news sites and blogs like I do every morning, I began to feel more and more tired, until around 10 AM I could barely keep my eyelids open. At that point I knew I had to sleep some more.
I woke up again around noon, feeling groggy and disoriented, but still hungry enough to eat lunch. I also got a phone call from the lady of the house informing me that she had made an appointment for me with a psychologist here in Zaandam, as previously discussed. When she told me how the psychologist lady had responded when my story was explained to her, especially about my previous troubles with psychologists, I knew that this was a different type of psychologist. I can't wait to see her tomorrow and talk for a while.
So in the end I didn't reinstall Windows today, meaning that my work on NyanKana and the new websites has slowed down again. I did however respond to a few advertisements for housing in Enschede. With some luck I'll get a positive response and be able to view the places for myself this or next week and move in shortly afterwards.
As you might have guessed, today I'm not very emotional, but still very occupied with the events of yesterday. It seems to have drained a lot of my strength, as I also noticed by the fact that my cold got a lot worse today. It's one of the reasons why I'm feeling so sleepy and out of things. At least I still haven't lost my desire to work on NyanKana and such like mad. I'll get to that tomorrow ASAP.
I'll be back tomorrow for more~
Maya
I woke up again around noon, feeling groggy and disoriented, but still hungry enough to eat lunch. I also got a phone call from the lady of the house informing me that she had made an appointment for me with a psychologist here in Zaandam, as previously discussed. When she told me how the psychologist lady had responded when my story was explained to her, especially about my previous troubles with psychologists, I knew that this was a different type of psychologist. I can't wait to see her tomorrow and talk for a while.
So in the end I didn't reinstall Windows today, meaning that my work on NyanKana and the new websites has slowed down again. I did however respond to a few advertisements for housing in Enschede. With some luck I'll get a positive response and be able to view the places for myself this or next week and move in shortly afterwards.
As you might have guessed, today I'm not very emotional, but still very occupied with the events of yesterday. It seems to have drained a lot of my strength, as I also noticed by the fact that my cold got a lot worse today. It's one of the reasons why I'm feeling so sleepy and out of things. At least I still haven't lost my desire to work on NyanKana and such like mad. I'll get to that tomorrow ASAP.
I'll be back tomorrow for more~
Maya
Saturday, 26 January 2008
Gah...
My apologies for the post yesterday. I'd like to emphasize that normally I don't think like that, and that 99.99% of the time I'm a 100% positive person. There is a lot of progress in my life, and I'm not ugly, at most I'm just a plain-looking girl.
Yesterday I had to do some shopping. I had to pick up some prescription drugs and they asked me to present my health insurance card. First thing the woman behind the counter told me was "Is this your card? This is a card for a man, you should bring your own card." After telling the woman behind the counter that "It is a long story.", I finally got my drugs. Fun times.
This morning my grandmother called me to invite me for a family gathering on the 16th of February. Fun part is that it starts off with a few hours of swimming at an indoor pool. I haven't been in a pool since my last year of High School, which is like 6-7 years ago. For obvious reasons I've felt awkward about it the past few years, but no longer. Last year I already got a bikini, and since it is still in a box with the moving company, and also because I love shopping, I decided to get a new bikini.
It took me a few hours of browsing online shops, but finally I found a nice one and ordered it. It'll be delivered tomorrow. I can't wait to try it on. I've scheduled a photo session tomorrow with my digicam during which I'll take pictures of the new clothes I bought last Sunday, as well as the bikini. If you people are nice I may actually show them too ;)
A few hours ago I ordered new medicines for the hormone treatment because the old supply was running low. Just a month remaining on the remainder of the last legal medicine I got prescribed while in Norway. The simple fact that that doctor in Norway prescribed me those medicines (even though I had to pay for the consultation and part of the costs of the medicines), has made me appreciate Norway a lot, which is another reason why I want to return one day. Let's hope that the doctors here in The Netherlands can be just as nice now that I can smack them around with the MRI results.
I didn't get to mail the envelope for the VUMC containing the CD-ROM with the MRI images as well as a personal, hand-written (first time I've done that in years) letter. Tomorrow the weekend starts so it's okay, I guess. I kind of wish I had mailed it yesterday already. Ah well.
I'm still working on the new personal site, MayaPosch.com. I hope to turn it into not only a site paying attention to my personal issues, but also a kind of portal for anything IS, in a positive manner. I'd then also register it as an organization, because in my experience the current organizations for IS people are practically non-existent, too small and volunteer-driven. Hence the complete lack of awareness about IS. I feel that it's my duty to prevent anyone else like me and other IS people to ever end up in the wrong place, because I know how horrible it is to be in that situation.
Well, it's 5 AM now. Bed time. Tomorrow a busy day. I'm so going to hate myself in the morning for staying up so late :P
Maya
Yesterday I had to do some shopping. I had to pick up some prescription drugs and they asked me to present my health insurance card. First thing the woman behind the counter told me was "Is this your card? This is a card for a man, you should bring your own card." After telling the woman behind the counter that "It is a long story.", I finally got my drugs. Fun times.
This morning my grandmother called me to invite me for a family gathering on the 16th of February. Fun part is that it starts off with a few hours of swimming at an indoor pool. I haven't been in a pool since my last year of High School, which is like 6-7 years ago. For obvious reasons I've felt awkward about it the past few years, but no longer. Last year I already got a bikini, and since it is still in a box with the moving company, and also because I love shopping, I decided to get a new bikini.
It took me a few hours of browsing online shops, but finally I found a nice one and ordered it. It'll be delivered tomorrow. I can't wait to try it on. I've scheduled a photo session tomorrow with my digicam during which I'll take pictures of the new clothes I bought last Sunday, as well as the bikini. If you people are nice I may actually show them too ;)
A few hours ago I ordered new medicines for the hormone treatment because the old supply was running low. Just a month remaining on the remainder of the last legal medicine I got prescribed while in Norway. The simple fact that that doctor in Norway prescribed me those medicines (even though I had to pay for the consultation and part of the costs of the medicines), has made me appreciate Norway a lot, which is another reason why I want to return one day. Let's hope that the doctors here in The Netherlands can be just as nice now that I can smack them around with the MRI results.
I didn't get to mail the envelope for the VUMC containing the CD-ROM with the MRI images as well as a personal, hand-written (first time I've done that in years) letter. Tomorrow the weekend starts so it's okay, I guess. I kind of wish I had mailed it yesterday already. Ah well.
I'm still working on the new personal site, MayaPosch.com. I hope to turn it into not only a site paying attention to my personal issues, but also a kind of portal for anything IS, in a positive manner. I'd then also register it as an organization, because in my experience the current organizations for IS people are practically non-existent, too small and volunteer-driven. Hence the complete lack of awareness about IS. I feel that it's my duty to prevent anyone else like me and other IS people to ever end up in the wrong place, because I know how horrible it is to be in that situation.
Well, it's 5 AM now. Bed time. Tomorrow a busy day. I'm so going to hate myself in the morning for staying up so late :P
Maya
Thursday, 24 January 2008
Junk...
While preparing to write today's blog post, I was feeling rather depressed, leading to an emotional outburst, like I've seldom had before. Crying and crying slowly changing into full rage, fading into more crying after the peak had been reached. I know very well what the cause of this outburst is.
Now that the confrontation with the gender team is coming closer, a lot of feelings I had buried long ago have re-emerged, and are making it clear that they won't let me handle things in Amsterdam without first confronting those feelings. The central theme? The pain those... of and bastards caused me during those two and half years that they've mentally tortured me, followed by a year of silent suffering until the moment I got that MRI. All those memories and emotions I've suppressed for so long are now coming back and it's putting an enormous strain on me.
So now I'm waiting until the gender team contacts me for an appointment with their endocrinologist. I have no idea how long this is going to take, and I think that the wait is one of the factors for my emotional outburst earlier, as well as the uncertainty over whether they're actually going to help me this time. I can't help but be skeptical. Once bitten, twice shy as they say.
In the end I think that I'll be contacting my health insurer to get me to Belgium, for a variety of reasons. The health care there is better, faster and it won't have the emotional burden which comes with visiting the VUMC. At any rate I'll be extremely cautious about anything those people at the gender team want to do with me, or not do.
I'm feeling extremely tired right now and still on the verge of crying. I guess I'll go to bed now since it's getting late. Good night.
Maya
Now that the confrontation with the gender team is coming closer, a lot of feelings I had buried long ago have re-emerged, and are making it clear that they won't let me handle things in Amsterdam without first confronting those feelings. The central theme? The pain those...
So now I'm waiting until the gender team contacts me for an appointment with their endocrinologist. I have no idea how long this is going to take, and I think that the wait is one of the factors for my emotional outburst earlier, as well as the uncertainty over whether they're actually going to help me this time. I can't help but be skeptical. Once bitten, twice shy as they say.
In the end I think that I'll be contacting my health insurer to get me to Belgium, for a variety of reasons. The health care there is better, faster and it won't have the emotional burden which comes with visiting the VUMC. At any rate I'll be extremely cautious about anything those people at the gender team want to do with me, or not do.
I'm feeling extremely tired right now and still on the verge of crying. I guess I'll go to bed now since it's getting late. Good night.
Maya
Sunday, 20 January 2008
More Sleeping~
So yeah, today I slept away most of the day again. I love jetlags. I did almost no work today and aside from a long conversation with the woman I'm staying with, not much happened.
Today I did notice that there are some things and people in my life whose existence makes me feel horrible, but that I can fight off those feelings and stop caring about those things. I still should return to Norway after I've had my surgery and dealt with the effects of that to finish some remaining issues there, mostly to talk to a certain person whose existence for some reason seems to dominate my thoughts to the point that I wish I had never met her. Certainly not healthy.
Anyway, a little while ago my friend got a reply from a North American society for intersexual people to an earlier email in which he explained my situation. The response mentioned that a Dutch colleague had been contacted who might be able to provide me with guidance and that we'd receive an update as soon as she responded.
The email also mentioned that I should look for a reproductive endocrinologist for a consultation. I'll have to get my physician to refer me to such a person. Joy. Tomorrow I'll probably call my mother to inform her that the proof my physician is looking for is in her possession and that she might want to make an appointment with my physician (also her own physician). Once my physician sees the evidence, I hope she'll refer me and prescribe those medicines. Else it's time to find another physician.
Tomorrow I'll probably go shopping at the market unless the weather is awful again. I'll let you people know.
Maya
Today I did notice that there are some things and people in my life whose existence makes me feel horrible, but that I can fight off those feelings and stop caring about those things. I still should return to Norway after I've had my surgery and dealt with the effects of that to finish some remaining issues there, mostly to talk to a certain person whose existence for some reason seems to dominate my thoughts to the point that I wish I had never met her. Certainly not healthy.
Anyway, a little while ago my friend got a reply from a North American society for intersexual people to an earlier email in which he explained my situation. The response mentioned that a Dutch colleague had been contacted who might be able to provide me with guidance and that we'd receive an update as soon as she responded.
The email also mentioned that I should look for a reproductive endocrinologist for a consultation. I'll have to get my physician to refer me to such a person. Joy. Tomorrow I'll probably call my mother to inform her that the proof my physician is looking for is in her possession and that she might want to make an appointment with my physician (also her own physician). Once my physician sees the evidence, I hope she'll refer me and prescribe those medicines. Else it's time to find another physician.
Tomorrow I'll probably go shopping at the market unless the weather is awful again. I'll let you people know.
Maya
Tuesday, 15 January 2008
So Long, Canada~
Today was yet another productive day. My friend and I managed to pretty much complete the project we were working on with only testing and some minor debugging remaining. Tomorrow we won't be able to work much on it, though.
Tomorrow morning I'll be packing my bags and suitcase, to depart for Toronto shortly after dinner. I'll also try to catch some extra sleep before dinner, because during the trip I won't be able to sleep at all on the airplane (judging by my previous experience) and I'm not quite capable of staying awake for nearly 30 hours like the last time.
It's nearly 3 AM right now, as my friend and I have spent a few hours talking earlier, about a lot of things. He understands and accepts that I have to go back, but he feels disappointed, obviously, since he was looking really forward to me coming here, and he had to arrange quite a few things. I told him that I still feel bad about my sudden change of heart, to which he responded that he isn't angry with me or anything. We're both happy that we spent the past week at least together.
Well, off I go to try to catch as much sleep as possible. Wish me luck ;)
Maya
Tomorrow morning I'll be packing my bags and suitcase, to depart for Toronto shortly after dinner. I'll also try to catch some extra sleep before dinner, because during the trip I won't be able to sleep at all on the airplane (judging by my previous experience) and I'm not quite capable of staying awake for nearly 30 hours like the last time.
It's nearly 3 AM right now, as my friend and I have spent a few hours talking earlier, about a lot of things. He understands and accepts that I have to go back, but he feels disappointed, obviously, since he was looking really forward to me coming here, and he had to arrange quite a few things. I told him that I still feel bad about my sudden change of heart, to which he responded that he isn't angry with me or anything. We're both happy that we spent the past week at least together.
Well, off I go to try to catch as much sleep as possible. Wish me luck ;)
Maya
Sunday, 13 January 2008
Business Things~
Today I woke up late again just like yesterday at around 10 AM. Going to bed at close to 2 AM doesn't help I guess :P I seem to be napping a lot lately, though.
This day wasn't all wasted on gaming for a change. I got the framework for NyanKana finished, and I also got confirmation that I got a nice little project involving porting some code from one language to another.
I also might have found a place to live. Via a site which rents out places which are waiting to be renovated or demolished, or sometimes the owners of it just have a hard time finding someone to rent it for the regular price, I got the option of living in a number of Dutch cities. I think I may just end up living in Enschede :)
Today was also filled with more emotional things about my sexuality. My friend and I talked a lot about it, with me once more expressing my discomfort with my current situation, my desire to get the surgery and the many unknowns surrounding the latter.
Sometimes I wish I had never met the girlfriend of the friend I stayed at in Norway. She's so similar to me in many respects, and her life (in my eyes) so screwed up that I feel like it personally matters to me. She has basically become the focal point of everything which is wrong and has to be fixed, also in myself. I don't think she realizes this, and if she does, she either doesn't or can't care. Yes, it's somewhat of an obsession to me :(
I feel that because of it I have to learn Norwegian and visit her again this year, just so that I can wrap things up. I hope that I can do this after I've had my surgery, as it'd definitely cause some huge emotional landslides for me.
Anyway, it's bed time for me. It's nearly 2 AM already :(
Maya
This day wasn't all wasted on gaming for a change. I got the framework for NyanKana finished, and I also got confirmation that I got a nice little project involving porting some code from one language to another.
I also might have found a place to live. Via a site which rents out places which are waiting to be renovated or demolished, or sometimes the owners of it just have a hard time finding someone to rent it for the regular price, I got the option of living in a number of Dutch cities. I think I may just end up living in Enschede :)
Today was also filled with more emotional things about my sexuality. My friend and I talked a lot about it, with me once more expressing my discomfort with my current situation, my desire to get the surgery and the many unknowns surrounding the latter.
Sometimes I wish I had never met the girlfriend of the friend I stayed at in Norway. She's so similar to me in many respects, and her life (in my eyes) so screwed up that I feel like it personally matters to me. She has basically become the focal point of everything which is wrong and has to be fixed, also in myself. I don't think she realizes this, and if she does, she either doesn't or can't care. Yes, it's somewhat of an obsession to me :(
I feel that because of it I have to learn Norwegian and visit her again this year, just so that I can wrap things up. I hope that I can do this after I've had my surgery, as it'd definitely cause some huge emotional landslides for me.
Anyway, it's bed time for me. It's nearly 2 AM already :(
Maya
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