First the good bits: I got a phone call from the IMK guy on my Bbz welfare request, and he told me he had sent a positive report, meaning that if they accept the advice, I'll get the welfare thingy. It's virtually certain now. I'll get it for half a year, after which they'll check whether the company has improved. If not I'll be paying the money back, else I can keep it and move on with making more money. I should hear more on when I get the first money next week.
The journalist informed me today that she had sent the article to the Grazia and is currently waiting on a response. The usual editor is on vacation, so the question is how quickly her replacement will look at the article. The journalist said that she expects more news next week. Obviously things can't go quickly enough for me here, so I'm bound to stay restless over it until I get a solid publication date. I got no date on the Omroep Flevoland TV documentary yet either, but I care far less about that one, to be honest, mostly because the impact of it will be far less significant than that of the magazine article.
Today I also managed to write another few pages of the Zelda: Ocarina of Time novel I'm working on. I expect to have the second chapter finished in a few days at this rate. I still think that it's really fun to write my own interpretation of a story I have come to love so much since I first played the game in 1998, especially since the game doesn't detail the story at all. I'm free to strip it down to its non-game-focused essentials, follow the general concepts and story line, yet without feeling constricted by some arbitrary sequence of events.
And no, following the sequence as one encounters in the game wouldn't work. In fact it'd be pretty boring. Just imagine me guiding the reader through solving the puzzles in each dungeon "...and then he lit the second torch, the third torch and the fourth, causing the door to open. In the next room he saw an entrance covered by a big spider web, some grass and a few eggs on the ceiling, as well as a burning torch in one corner. Grabbing a Deku Stick, he lit it with the torch and burned the spider web away. Suddenly he heard the sounds of eggs breaking behind him..." Then again, it might work :) it'd still be incredibly dull to write, kind of... no, exactly like writing a walk-through. And those take away part of your soul.
Despite all the progress today I still find myself feeling irritable at nothing and everything, especially when I get a bit tired near the end of the evening. There are so many things to wait on, so many uncertainties, about medical things, about media things, about political things... add social and such things to that list as well. I want to know whether I'll see my media breakthrough this month. I want to know whether any politician will be interested in the proposed law change. I want to know the results of the medical tests.
I have pretty much given up hope that there'll ever be any certainty on the MRI images. It just doesn't appear to be possible to get a clear and concise answer on what can be seen on it as apparently my physiology is different enough from what is 'normal' that it's impossible to get a group of radiologists to agree on what can be seen on it. I wonder what other options there are to check other than cutting me open...
In other news, my chest and lower back still hurt from something I did on Sunday while diving. After the first dive I felt a pressure on my chest, making it somewhat painful to breathe. During a following dive I didn't stretch my legs properly, causing them to snap forward, transferring that stress to my lower spine. Both are still causing me discomfort even a few days later. And that isn't the end of my suffering; tomorrow I'll be undergoing another electrolysis treatment, but at least it's for a purpose and the treatment seems to be working so far. I just need to find the financial resources to keep being able to pay for it. Hopefully that's solved now as well.
Maya
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Monday, 31 August 2009
Descend Into Controversy
One thing I forgot to mention about yesterday's pool visit was part of the conversation I had with one of the staff members there. I had been talking to her before on a few occasions, and a cleaner who works there too had noticed this and he had asked her why we were talking so much, to which she had replied honestly, telling him about my issues and such in short. His response was one of disbelief at first, to then state that it was 'wrong', that it was 'unnatural', because there are only men and women. It should be noted that this man is a Muslim and was raised in a mixed Moroccan/Dutch environment.
Thinking about it, the Bible, Torah, Koran and virtually every religious work underlying religions talk about a god or gods creating men and women (in no particular order). I can't think of a religion which recognizes the existence of intersexuality, that males and females are just the extremes of a wide spectrum of possibilities. To not want to be or to not pretend to be one of those extremes is then considered to be 'unnatural', and possibly a sin in the eyes of some devout believers. I have never seen religions as being very aware of reality, but this realization was new to me, and frankly it somewhat frightens me.
Having met quite a few religious types and having discussed various matters with them, their inability to accept new concepts, or to examine their own is astounding. While I don't think that the average non-imported European person is very intolerant in this respect, it nevertheless scares me somewhat that there are quite a few people out there who would consider my existence to be unnatural, possibly even a 'sin'. Someone joked a while ago about a fundamentalist Christian attacking me for clashing with his or her beliefs, but especially with events like fundamentalist Christians attacking abortion clinics and murdering people occurring all too often, it does put a bit of fright in me. It could happen, and with the more publicity I get, the more controversy I'm likely to create. It's all part of the game, I guess...
To talk about something less gloomy, I got the first draft of the magazine article emailed to me by the journalist yesterday with the request to look through it and make any changes to the content I deemed necessary. I had Pieter look through it as well, after which it got his approval. After reading it through a few times, I found no obvious mistakes with it either aside from a few minor details which I noted in the text after which I emailed it back to the journalist. I told her I was pleasantly surprised that she had completed the article so quickly, in only 3 days time including the weekend.
She'll make the last changes to it today and submit it to the Grazia, which is also when she'll hear when it'll be published. At the current rate it could be published within two weeks from now (my estimate). It'll be nice to have a date on that. I'll just have to wait on the broadcasting date of the Omroep Flevoland documentary to conclude my media dealings for the time being. I truly hope I'll get the attention my case and intersexuality in general deserves.
Last night Pieter sent an email to a member of one of the ruling political parties, a woman who deals with among other things medical ethics for the PvdA, one of the largest political parties here in the Netherlands. He included a link to my first TV appearance, as well as a link to the Dutch Wikipedia article on Foekje Dillema, an athlete who got into a lot of controversy years ago when she turned out to have XXY genes, which would give her an unfair advantage or so. It was a case not dissimilar to the current one with the South-African athlete. The request in the email was to look at the possibility of introduction a change to the current law on official gender change to make it possible for intersexual people like me to officially take on the gender they and their environment feel most comfortable with. As Pieter described, the only time I'm still a 'male' is when I have to use a form of identification, even if my environment doesn't recognize me as such.
Sadly I still haven't heard anything on the Bbz welfare thing. I was supposed to hear something last week, but all I can do now is send another email asking for a new estimate. It's quite annoying.
Maya
Thinking about it, the Bible, Torah, Koran and virtually every religious work underlying religions talk about a god or gods creating men and women (in no particular order). I can't think of a religion which recognizes the existence of intersexuality, that males and females are just the extremes of a wide spectrum of possibilities. To not want to be or to not pretend to be one of those extremes is then considered to be 'unnatural', and possibly a sin in the eyes of some devout believers. I have never seen religions as being very aware of reality, but this realization was new to me, and frankly it somewhat frightens me.
Having met quite a few religious types and having discussed various matters with them, their inability to accept new concepts, or to examine their own is astounding. While I don't think that the average non-imported European person is very intolerant in this respect, it nevertheless scares me somewhat that there are quite a few people out there who would consider my existence to be unnatural, possibly even a 'sin'. Someone joked a while ago about a fundamentalist Christian attacking me for clashing with his or her beliefs, but especially with events like fundamentalist Christians attacking abortion clinics and murdering people occurring all too often, it does put a bit of fright in me. It could happen, and with the more publicity I get, the more controversy I'm likely to create. It's all part of the game, I guess...
To talk about something less gloomy, I got the first draft of the magazine article emailed to me by the journalist yesterday with the request to look through it and make any changes to the content I deemed necessary. I had Pieter look through it as well, after which it got his approval. After reading it through a few times, I found no obvious mistakes with it either aside from a few minor details which I noted in the text after which I emailed it back to the journalist. I told her I was pleasantly surprised that she had completed the article so quickly, in only 3 days time including the weekend.
She'll make the last changes to it today and submit it to the Grazia, which is also when she'll hear when it'll be published. At the current rate it could be published within two weeks from now (my estimate). It'll be nice to have a date on that. I'll just have to wait on the broadcasting date of the Omroep Flevoland documentary to conclude my media dealings for the time being. I truly hope I'll get the attention my case and intersexuality in general deserves.
Last night Pieter sent an email to a member of one of the ruling political parties, a woman who deals with among other things medical ethics for the PvdA, one of the largest political parties here in the Netherlands. He included a link to my first TV appearance, as well as a link to the Dutch Wikipedia article on Foekje Dillema, an athlete who got into a lot of controversy years ago when she turned out to have XXY genes, which would give her an unfair advantage or so. It was a case not dissimilar to the current one with the South-African athlete. The request in the email was to look at the possibility of introduction a change to the current law on official gender change to make it possible for intersexual people like me to officially take on the gender they and their environment feel most comfortable with. As Pieter described, the only time I'm still a 'male' is when I have to use a form of identification, even if my environment doesn't recognize me as such.
Sadly I still haven't heard anything on the Bbz welfare thing. I was supposed to hear something last week, but all I can do now is send another email asking for a new estimate. It's quite annoying.
Maya
Sunday, 30 August 2009
The Light, It Hurts Us...
As people reading my Twitter stream may have noticed, I was looking for a swimsuit to try on, this after talking about it with a female friend of a friend of a friend at the pool a week ago. As Pieter couldn't figure out what else to buy for my birthday, we went to shop for either a pretty dress or similar, or a swimsuit. After browsing the lacking number of options at various shops, I finally found some nice Speedo swimsuits, priced down heavily as well due to being part of the 'old' collection. After trying on a couple, I decided I'd get one of two, yet Pieter said I could have both, although technically I'm only supposed to be aware of one of them, as I'll get the other one on my birthday :P
This morning I wore the one swimsuit at the pool, and the nice thing was that I didn't get any weird glances at all or anything. Fact of the matter is that even I don't really see anything weird in the mirror when I'm wearing a swimsuit. I enjoyed being able to swim normally (and faster), and even dive without nearly losing a few parts and bits every time. After a hint yesterday from Pieter I also realized a big advantage I have over regular females when going to the toilet while wearing a simsuit ;)
The rest of today wasn't that fun, though. Shortly after getting out of the pool and getting dressed I began to notice all too familiar spots in my vision, announcing an oncoming migraine attack. At the advice of a friend of Pieter who drove back with us in the car I kept my eyes closed all the time, as this would reduce the impact. I got home without feeling too miserable, yet after lying down on my bed and trying to sleep for a while the migraine definitely made itself known, resulting in one of the worst migraines ever (although every one of them feels like that...).
After an hour or so of this and a bit of crying from the pain, Pieter came to check up on me and give me the maximum dosage of a strong painkiller plus some more regular painkiller as well before he left for the birthday party of an aunt of his. Within an hour I began to feel better and eventually decided to get out of bed. I still felt queasy for a few hours, managed to eat a bit and keep it down despite continuing nausea. I still don't feel completely fine, but I'm really glad the light stopped hurting me and my head isn't splitting apart anymore.
From what I can determine this migraine attack got triggered by the new Estradiol patches I started using this morning. One of the listed side-effects is headaches/migraines ("Sometimes"; 1 in 1,000 users). I guess I got lucky. I really hope that this was a one-off thing, because if it keeps repeating itself I will quit using these patches right away as the last thing I need at this point is to be incapacitated a few days a week or so in excruciating pain. I'll take the increased risk of thrombosis over it any day. I'll see. At any rate I'm not too overjoyed at those patches anyway. They're transparent, round pieces of plastic with a strong adhesive on one side. It feels kind of weird to walk around with a shining piece of plastic on my behind. The gel alternative seems more and more attractive...
Maya
This morning I wore the one swimsuit at the pool, and the nice thing was that I didn't get any weird glances at all or anything. Fact of the matter is that even I don't really see anything weird in the mirror when I'm wearing a swimsuit. I enjoyed being able to swim normally (and faster), and even dive without nearly losing a few parts and bits every time. After a hint yesterday from Pieter I also realized a big advantage I have over regular females when going to the toilet while wearing a simsuit ;)
The rest of today wasn't that fun, though. Shortly after getting out of the pool and getting dressed I began to notice all too familiar spots in my vision, announcing an oncoming migraine attack. At the advice of a friend of Pieter who drove back with us in the car I kept my eyes closed all the time, as this would reduce the impact. I got home without feeling too miserable, yet after lying down on my bed and trying to sleep for a while the migraine definitely made itself known, resulting in one of the worst migraines ever (although every one of them feels like that...).
After an hour or so of this and a bit of crying from the pain, Pieter came to check up on me and give me the maximum dosage of a strong painkiller plus some more regular painkiller as well before he left for the birthday party of an aunt of his. Within an hour I began to feel better and eventually decided to get out of bed. I still felt queasy for a few hours, managed to eat a bit and keep it down despite continuing nausea. I still don't feel completely fine, but I'm really glad the light stopped hurting me and my head isn't splitting apart anymore.
From what I can determine this migraine attack got triggered by the new Estradiol patches I started using this morning. One of the listed side-effects is headaches/migraines ("Sometimes"; 1 in 1,000 users). I guess I got lucky. I really hope that this was a one-off thing, because if it keeps repeating itself I will quit using these patches right away as the last thing I need at this point is to be incapacitated a few days a week or so in excruciating pain. I'll take the increased risk of thrombosis over it any day. I'll see. At any rate I'm not too overjoyed at those patches anyway. They're transparent, round pieces of plastic with a strong adhesive on one side. It feels kind of weird to walk around with a shining piece of plastic on my behind. The gel alternative seems more and more attractive...
Maya
Friday, 28 August 2009
Half A Life
Yesterday was a very busy day, with an appointment with my GP in the morning and the magazine interview in the afternoon. I arrived early at the GP's office and she just happened to have some time free before my official appointment time, so we had half an hour instead of ten minutes to discuss matters.
She hadn't heard yet about the events at the UMCG, so she was quite happy that things had gone so well. She was almost overjoyed that she could prescribe the hormones to me now. The plan now is that I'll begin using with the Estradiol patches on Sunday, with a blood test after about four weeks of using them to check my hormone levels. I'll then switch back to the pills for a week which is when I'll have another appointment with my GP where I'll get the results of the blood test. She'll then prescribe the gel form of the patches, which I'll then also use for about a month to compare the gel and patches.
I also showed my GP an article on true hermaphroditism I had received from professor Weijmar Schultz during the appointment. She asked me to make a copy of it at the reception desk, which I did after our appointment was over. I admitted to her that I hadn't read it through yet, as it was kind of painful to me to read.
Once back home I had breakfast/lunch and awaited the arrival of the journalist for the magazine interview. The interview lasted about 2.5 hours, during which I told her just about everything. I thought things went quite well, and she seemed genuinely interested in my situation. She hadn't seen the pictures from the photoshoot yet, so I showed them to her. The pictures definitely got her approval, and I got yet another "You could be a model" comment :)
She will have the article written in about a week time, after which it'll be submitted to the magazine. How long it'll take until publication I do not know yet. The journalist said she'll ask when she submits the article, but said that considering how quickly the photoshoot got arranged it'll definitely be sooner rather than later. My own estimate is within a month from now :P
At this point I'm thus waiting for: magazine publication, TV documentary broadcast, MRI discussion results, genetical test results, and endocrinological results. After Pieter submits his email to a few politicians on the gender change issue the wait will be on for what their response will be as well.
As I also pointed out to the journalist during the interview, I really can not use or develop my emotional side as long as I don't know what I am, physically. I do know who I am, but I don't know what I am, and the effect of that is essentially that everything but intellectual matters are very hard to downright impossible for me. It's like half of my existence is being denied with a female body which isn't female, an official identity which denies how people around me see me, and an inability to explain to anyone, including a potential girlfriend what I actually am other than a freak of nature. It all hovers right on the very edge of what is still bearable, though I get more than a few glimpses of the abyss each day.
I still hate waiting...
Maya
She hadn't heard yet about the events at the UMCG, so she was quite happy that things had gone so well. She was almost overjoyed that she could prescribe the hormones to me now. The plan now is that I'll begin using with the Estradiol patches on Sunday, with a blood test after about four weeks of using them to check my hormone levels. I'll then switch back to the pills for a week which is when I'll have another appointment with my GP where I'll get the results of the blood test. She'll then prescribe the gel form of the patches, which I'll then also use for about a month to compare the gel and patches.
I also showed my GP an article on true hermaphroditism I had received from professor Weijmar Schultz during the appointment. She asked me to make a copy of it at the reception desk, which I did after our appointment was over. I admitted to her that I hadn't read it through yet, as it was kind of painful to me to read.
Once back home I had breakfast/lunch and awaited the arrival of the journalist for the magazine interview. The interview lasted about 2.5 hours, during which I told her just about everything. I thought things went quite well, and she seemed genuinely interested in my situation. She hadn't seen the pictures from the photoshoot yet, so I showed them to her. The pictures definitely got her approval, and I got yet another "You could be a model" comment :)
She will have the article written in about a week time, after which it'll be submitted to the magazine. How long it'll take until publication I do not know yet. The journalist said she'll ask when she submits the article, but said that considering how quickly the photoshoot got arranged it'll definitely be sooner rather than later. My own estimate is within a month from now :P
At this point I'm thus waiting for: magazine publication, TV documentary broadcast, MRI discussion results, genetical test results, and endocrinological results. After Pieter submits his email to a few politicians on the gender change issue the wait will be on for what their response will be as well.
As I also pointed out to the journalist during the interview, I really can not use or develop my emotional side as long as I don't know what I am, physically. I do know who I am, but I don't know what I am, and the effect of that is essentially that everything but intellectual matters are very hard to downright impossible for me. It's like half of my existence is being denied with a female body which isn't female, an official identity which denies how people around me see me, and an inability to explain to anyone, including a potential girlfriend what I actually am other than a freak of nature. It all hovers right on the very edge of what is still bearable, though I get more than a few glimpses of the abyss each day.
I still hate waiting...
Maya
Saturday, 22 August 2009
Freak Of Nature
Freak: 1 (also: freak of nature) a person, animal, or plant which is abnormal or deformed.
I'm a freak of nature, a deformity or abnormality. I have no place in society, I might as well not exist. I should not exist. At this point it doesn't matter what further facts will be uncovered about my body, as it won't change anything about the conclusion. My existence will always be hell. I'll have to fight for everything, even just to be 'me', whatever the hell that's worth anymore at this point. From the looks of it I won't ever be able to change my official name or gender, even if I get acknowledged as being intersexual it still won't grant me a place in society, instead leaving me as an outcast.
I'll have to live on with a body that is mostly female and recognized as such by my environment, with male genitals which don't fully function (never have), with an official registration of that of a male (name, gender). I'll have to take hormones for the rest of my life (UMCG wants me to use transdermal patches instead of pills due to risk of thrombosis; I'd prefer injections over that due to visibility). I'll be alone no matter how many people I'll be able to call my friends.
I woke up earlier, at 1.30 AM, covered in sweat, heart pounding and with no memory of a nightmare or such, yet it appears I must have had one. I'm absolutely not feeling happy. While the above may sound very pessimistic, it is an accurate summary of my thoughts after yesterday's appointment.
Truth to be told, I still hope that I do have a vagina, as it'd make me feel a lot more 'normal', more like a 'special' female instead of something which looks like a female, yet isn't. That's the freak bit, with its usual gradations. I'd much prefer to be just a bit of a freak in a hermaphrodite sense than to be a big freak in a more twisted intersexuality form.
I'm feeling waves of bitterness and disappointment. Honestly, I'm not sure I can convince myself to go on if Germany's interpretation of the MRI images proves to be incorrect. It has kind of kept me going instead of just drowning in this bloody sea of despair that is intersexuality.
Ordering that overdose of sleeping pills doesn't sound like such a bad idea at this point. It's a welcome alternative to the pain I'd face if Germany is proven to be incorrect. I really wish I was kidding. Not that anyone not in my situation could ever understand it.
Please don't make me go through the pain...
Maya
I'm a freak of nature, a deformity or abnormality. I have no place in society, I might as well not exist. I should not exist. At this point it doesn't matter what further facts will be uncovered about my body, as it won't change anything about the conclusion. My existence will always be hell. I'll have to fight for everything, even just to be 'me', whatever the hell that's worth anymore at this point. From the looks of it I won't ever be able to change my official name or gender, even if I get acknowledged as being intersexual it still won't grant me a place in society, instead leaving me as an outcast.
I'll have to live on with a body that is mostly female and recognized as such by my environment, with male genitals which don't fully function (never have), with an official registration of that of a male (name, gender). I'll have to take hormones for the rest of my life (UMCG wants me to use transdermal patches instead of pills due to risk of thrombosis; I'd prefer injections over that due to visibility). I'll be alone no matter how many people I'll be able to call my friends.
I woke up earlier, at 1.30 AM, covered in sweat, heart pounding and with no memory of a nightmare or such, yet it appears I must have had one. I'm absolutely not feeling happy. While the above may sound very pessimistic, it is an accurate summary of my thoughts after yesterday's appointment.
Truth to be told, I still hope that I do have a vagina, as it'd make me feel a lot more 'normal', more like a 'special' female instead of something which looks like a female, yet isn't. That's the freak bit, with its usual gradations. I'd much prefer to be just a bit of a freak in a hermaphrodite sense than to be a big freak in a more twisted intersexuality form.
I'm feeling waves of bitterness and disappointment. Honestly, I'm not sure I can convince myself to go on if Germany's interpretation of the MRI images proves to be incorrect. It has kind of kept me going instead of just drowning in this bloody sea of despair that is intersexuality.
Ordering that overdose of sleeping pills doesn't sound like such a bad idea at this point. It's a welcome alternative to the pain I'd face if Germany is proven to be incorrect. I really wish I was kidding. Not that anyone not in my situation could ever understand it.
Please don't make me go through the pain...
Maya
Friday, 21 August 2009
Exhausted, But Okay
Today was my appointment at the UMCG. I actually managed to eat something before Pieter and I left towards Groningen (1.5 hour by car). We arrived in time and proceeded to register me and obtain an ID card for the hospital.
De girl doing the registration was confused for a moment after I handed her my ID and insurance card, even asking whether the person to register was me or Pieter. I told her about my situation, and she quickly caught on, telling me that she had seen transsexuals before, but you could always tell what they were and thus weren't too confused when handed an ID card which initially didn't seem to match up. She thought I was a pretty looking girl :) My hospital ID card now lists 'Maya Posch' and gender as 'female', which I'm pretty happy with.
After waiting for a bit at the gynaecology department I met professor Weijmar Schultz and psychologist Jiawan. They initially asked me to describe the issue. What was interesting was how they began to discuss the matter among each other, suggesting possible tests and approaches and before I knew it I was scheduled for a genetics (mosaic/chimera) test (basic one first) and endocrinological testing. At the lab they initially only drew one ampul of blood due to a communication error. After a call from Weijmar Schultz this was corrected and during my second visit another 6 ampuls of blood were drawn from me, making for a new record of 7 compared to the previous one of 4 or 5 :)
We also visited the radiology department were a radiologist showed me what he thought was on my MRI images. He said that he couldn't see evidence of the presence of a vagina, but could see a prostate. When I asked him how he could explain that he saw a (quite significant) prostate while the AMC hospital had indicated that the prostate was miniscule. He couldn't answer that question. They will however contact the two German clinics and discuss their difference in interpretations. I'd be majorly pissed if it turns out that the German clinics have made me waste a lot of time and money pursuing a lie.
So no clarity on the MRI scans yet. An X-ray was made, however, of my pelvis, for a comparison between my pelvis and those of males. As it turns out my pelvis is definitely more feminine than masculine, with the nice oval curving shape in the center. In essence this confirms that my skeleton is that of a female, and that this would be very unusual with only XY genes.
I just sent some more information to Weijmar Schultz, including contact info on the two German clinics and my therapists. I'll hear from him when he knows more.
In general I'm happy with how things went. Weijmar Schultz and Jiawan are nice people and I was kind of surprised I got rushed through 2.5 hours of tests and such. It's still somewhat disappointing that I still don't know what I am exactly. Worse is what Weijmar Schultz told me about having my name and official gender changed. In essence the law here in the Netherlands only allows this for people who have undergone a sex change, and thus only for transsexuals. There is apparently no way for intersexuals to get their name or gender changed, including for me. This is one thing I intend to address during the magazine interview next week, and Pieter will contact some people he knows in Dutch politics to see whether they might be interested in addressing and changing this law.
I need to go lie down now, I'm just absolutely exhausted.
Maya
De girl doing the registration was confused for a moment after I handed her my ID and insurance card, even asking whether the person to register was me or Pieter. I told her about my situation, and she quickly caught on, telling me that she had seen transsexuals before, but you could always tell what they were and thus weren't too confused when handed an ID card which initially didn't seem to match up. She thought I was a pretty looking girl :) My hospital ID card now lists 'Maya Posch' and gender as 'female', which I'm pretty happy with.
After waiting for a bit at the gynaecology department I met professor Weijmar Schultz and psychologist Jiawan. They initially asked me to describe the issue. What was interesting was how they began to discuss the matter among each other, suggesting possible tests and approaches and before I knew it I was scheduled for a genetics (mosaic/chimera) test (basic one first) and endocrinological testing. At the lab they initially only drew one ampul of blood due to a communication error. After a call from Weijmar Schultz this was corrected and during my second visit another 6 ampuls of blood were drawn from me, making for a new record of 7 compared to the previous one of 4 or 5 :)
We also visited the radiology department were a radiologist showed me what he thought was on my MRI images. He said that he couldn't see evidence of the presence of a vagina, but could see a prostate. When I asked him how he could explain that he saw a (quite significant) prostate while the AMC hospital had indicated that the prostate was miniscule. He couldn't answer that question. They will however contact the two German clinics and discuss their difference in interpretations. I'd be majorly pissed if it turns out that the German clinics have made me waste a lot of time and money pursuing a lie.
So no clarity on the MRI scans yet. An X-ray was made, however, of my pelvis, for a comparison between my pelvis and those of males. As it turns out my pelvis is definitely more feminine than masculine, with the nice oval curving shape in the center. In essence this confirms that my skeleton is that of a female, and that this would be very unusual with only XY genes.
I just sent some more information to Weijmar Schultz, including contact info on the two German clinics and my therapists. I'll hear from him when he knows more.
In general I'm happy with how things went. Weijmar Schultz and Jiawan are nice people and I was kind of surprised I got rushed through 2.5 hours of tests and such. It's still somewhat disappointing that I still don't know what I am exactly. Worse is what Weijmar Schultz told me about having my name and official gender changed. In essence the law here in the Netherlands only allows this for people who have undergone a sex change, and thus only for transsexuals. There is apparently no way for intersexuals to get their name or gender changed, including for me. This is one thing I intend to address during the magazine interview next week, and Pieter will contact some people he knows in Dutch politics to see whether they might be interested in addressing and changing this law.
I need to go lie down now, I'm just absolutely exhausted.
Maya
Thursday, 20 August 2009
In Remembrance Of What Has Been
Tomorrow marks a few potential events of importance for me. Either I get the acknowledgement that my body is not that of a male or female, and I'll get the treatment I require plus further official changes to my name and everything done. Or the UMCG will carry the same message as the VUMC has before, namely that of not wanting to diagnose me, but insisting that I'm just a regular male with some feminine looks, in which case it ends my medical story here in the Netherlands and I'll be forced to seek my salvation beyond the borders of this small country. Either way it'll mark a big shift in matters, one a straight path to salvation, the other a long, dark and winding road which may or may not lead to the intended destination.
Today I have had to resort to all kinds of distractions and other methods to keep myself from going off on a course towards desperation or such. As my therapist Engel Vrouwe has concluded, the treatment by medical specialists so far has led to a second PTSD on my side, which is responsible for nearly sending me into shock when exposed to certain situations, such as tomorrow's. I have to actively keep myself from thinking about it lest I become violently ill, and I don't mean in the 'somewhat nauseous' sense, but more in the 'want to run around screaming, puke out my guts, hurt various people and set fire to a few select buildings' kind.
I'm just absolutely exhausted at this point, both mentally and physically. Today I have spent some time on digging through the MRI images, particularly finding MRI images of males, to use as comparison at the suggestion of Pieter. It hasn't changed my opinion on the competence of the Dutch radiologists, nor has it swayed Pieter's opinion noticeably in their direction. There just isn't anything on my own MRI images which matches up with those of MRI images of males in terms of the presence of a prostate (seminal vesicle may be visible, possibly), let alone the clearly visible tube which isn't a shadow of the edge of the large intestine as it doesn't match its curve and matches up too perfectly with the usual location of the vagina at the bottom of the pelvis. So far I can only conclude that my MRI images match neither those of males nor those of females completely. My vote is on intersexual, still.
Tomorrow at about 11 AM we'll leave for Groningen to arrive 1.5 hour early there as I still have to register and there's no telling whether we'll easily find a parking spot. There's nothing more I can do to prepare at this point, I have promised to Pieter that I won't start arguing with the doctors, and won't leave the room if things aren't going well. Instead I'll just withdraw into myself and let Pieter carry on the conversation. In the end, though, I'm absolutely not looking forward to tomorrow and I wish it was all over already, regardless of the outcome.
One point of light is the magazine interview next week. If I do get more publicity in the media, mostly about the horrible treatment I have received by the hospitals here, it might change things for the better. I'm not sure about my therapists yet, as my insurance company has to give permission for tests in other countries, and it would probably take many months regardless. I'm not sure I could last a few more months, especially not with my upcoming birthday on the 4th next month, which will mark the 26th time that I'll have lived a year without knowing what my body is. A body I'm becoming more and more disgusted with. A body people in this country would rather see destroyed, it appears.
I can't get over the apparent fact that there are people in this country, people who have sworn to heal people and to do no harm, yet who have falsified reports and have treated me with such disrespect and lack of interest that it has driven me to the very edges of my sanity, to the point where I question the point of living if the very people who were supposed to help me with the most fundamental questions about my own body apparently would rather see me dead and gone than to admit that they might have been wrong and to do an actual attempt to carry out their oath.
I think it's absolutely sickening...
Maya
Today I have had to resort to all kinds of distractions and other methods to keep myself from going off on a course towards desperation or such. As my therapist Engel Vrouwe has concluded, the treatment by medical specialists so far has led to a second PTSD on my side, which is responsible for nearly sending me into shock when exposed to certain situations, such as tomorrow's. I have to actively keep myself from thinking about it lest I become violently ill, and I don't mean in the 'somewhat nauseous' sense, but more in the 'want to run around screaming, puke out my guts, hurt various people and set fire to a few select buildings' kind.
I'm just absolutely exhausted at this point, both mentally and physically. Today I have spent some time on digging through the MRI images, particularly finding MRI images of males, to use as comparison at the suggestion of Pieter. It hasn't changed my opinion on the competence of the Dutch radiologists, nor has it swayed Pieter's opinion noticeably in their direction. There just isn't anything on my own MRI images which matches up with those of MRI images of males in terms of the presence of a prostate (seminal vesicle may be visible, possibly), let alone the clearly visible tube which isn't a shadow of the edge of the large intestine as it doesn't match its curve and matches up too perfectly with the usual location of the vagina at the bottom of the pelvis. So far I can only conclude that my MRI images match neither those of males nor those of females completely. My vote is on intersexual, still.
Tomorrow at about 11 AM we'll leave for Groningen to arrive 1.5 hour early there as I still have to register and there's no telling whether we'll easily find a parking spot. There's nothing more I can do to prepare at this point, I have promised to Pieter that I won't start arguing with the doctors, and won't leave the room if things aren't going well. Instead I'll just withdraw into myself and let Pieter carry on the conversation. In the end, though, I'm absolutely not looking forward to tomorrow and I wish it was all over already, regardless of the outcome.
One point of light is the magazine interview next week. If I do get more publicity in the media, mostly about the horrible treatment I have received by the hospitals here, it might change things for the better. I'm not sure about my therapists yet, as my insurance company has to give permission for tests in other countries, and it would probably take many months regardless. I'm not sure I could last a few more months, especially not with my upcoming birthday on the 4th next month, which will mark the 26th time that I'll have lived a year without knowing what my body is. A body I'm becoming more and more disgusted with. A body people in this country would rather see destroyed, it appears.
I can't get over the apparent fact that there are people in this country, people who have sworn to heal people and to do no harm, yet who have falsified reports and have treated me with such disrespect and lack of interest that it has driven me to the very edges of my sanity, to the point where I question the point of living if the very people who were supposed to help me with the most fundamental questions about my own body apparently would rather see me dead and gone than to admit that they might have been wrong and to do an actual attempt to carry out their oath.
I think it's absolutely sickening...
Maya
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