Yesterday I released part 4 of In Between and Neither. It's not the ending of this story as some have asked me. Consider it to be the introduction having come to an end. The real story starts from here. How it'll end? I will tell you right after I know how my own life is going to proceed from here on.
Also yesterday was the first photoshoot with the photography student. This time she mostly did profile shots. Later this month we'll probably do another shoot involving more full-body shots. The question she and I have been mulling over is how to use a photograph to basically show that a person is intersexual.
Take my case: when I'm just walking or sitting about, everyone will assume that I'm just a regular girl, whether walking around fully clothed on the streets or in a skimpy bikini at the swimming pool. Including a picture of me in her project is therefore going to be about as effective as including a picture of any reasonably attractive regular girl. Nobody will be able to tell the difference. So what's the solution?
The most obvious solution is of course to take away every bit of clothing, to show everything and make it completely obvious that this body of mine with its near-perfect feminine curves has an oddity to it. A possible problem with this is how to do it without make it look out of place. It has to be done in a tasteful manner. I'll leave that issue to the student. I just discussed it with her, asking her about the target public, which turned out to be mostly teachers and students at her school, so there's the assumption of a reasonable level of maturity among the viewers. I guess I'll find out later this month what she came up with. I'm just the model :)
Moving on... the aftershocks of my dating trial are still causing damage and it'll probably take a while longer for things to settle down a bit. With relationship and sexuality no longer being of relevance to me they have already been dumped into the 'unwanted and evil' bin by my emotional side. I think it's acting mostly out of confusion, as it seems to be unable to understand anything about these topics. Logically I can not seem to make head or tails out of it, other than to discard both as silly courtship and reproduction rituals which have no relevance to me. Whether trying out this dating thing was the right choice is still very much up for debate.
Anyway, at least I did keep my date as a good friend, and Wednesday we're going to see a movie: Casablanca from 1942 with Humphrey Bogart (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0034583/), a classic I have wanted to see for a long time. I'm a sucker for certain old movies and this might be one of them. Another one I saw a while ago thanks to Pieter was 12 Angry Men from 1957 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050083/) which was fascinating even though the characters in this movie never leave the room they're in until the very end. It was all in the acting and dialogue, in other words. Definitely recommended.
Next week is going to be busy again, with that movie on Wednesday and my usual torture appointments on Tuesday and Wednesday. At least the latter seems to be making serious progress now, with the last traces of facial hair rapidly diminishing and playing an increasingly less important role in my daily life. With some luck it may be done by the end of the year. I'll then have spent somewhere around 5,000 Euro on it, and recouped maybe 750-1,000 Euro via my insurance company. Being intersexual is an expensive hobby.
Pieter is also going to have a friend over from Taiwan this coming week, who he'll have to show around this little country. It's somewhat funny that it takes less than a week to show basically everything of relevance in this country. I have never met this friend of Pieter before, but I doubt I'll see much of her except at breakfast and sometimes dinner. Not that this matters to me, except that I may have to cook for myself a few times. I like strict planning :)
Going back to yesterday's talks with the photography student, one thing she was quite adament about and which I agree with is that of including teaching about intersexuality at schools, during biology and other relevant classes. it's ridiculous that each year in this country alone tens of thousands of children if not more are born intersexual and 80-90% of this country or so isn't even aware that intersexuality exists, or what it is really, with a similar pattern among medical personnel. I would really like to lobby politicians to give this issue some attention, but I'm not sure my voice carries any kind of power. Most likely it will just get ignored.
I also compared the current taboo on intersexuality with that of the racial segregation in the US in the 60s. It took a few coloured people to stand up and say that they weren't going to take the way things were any longer, and that they demanded change. This is what should happen among intersexuals as well. The student's experiences when contacting AIS Nederlands, an organization for intersexuals, was that none of its members wanted to do anything for her project except just maybe have an anonymous interview. My experiences with other intersexuals are much the same.
Intersexuality isn't something to be ashamed of. We were born this way and we deserve to be recognized as such, public opinion be damned. Who's marching with me? :)
Maya
Showing posts with label modeling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label modeling. Show all posts
Saturday, 11 September 2010
Friday, 15 January 2010
Photographing The Madonna
As I'm writing this I'm on the edge of toppling over from exhaustion. Please excuse any mistakes or oddities which may derive from this.
At this moment I'm reminded of the events of yesterday by the soreness in many muscles and joints, some of which I didn't even know existed. It reminds me strongly of the first photoshoot I had, which also left me feeling as though I had had an unfortunate encounter with a freight train.
At around 11 AM the photographer arrived at my house. The first hours we spent mostly talking, drinking coffee (she, not me), walking Pieter's dogs and discussing the options with the photoshoot. My impression of this photographer (who as an aside has her site at www.sashalambert.nl ) was that of a very frank and open woman, who appears to have many similarities with my personality. It was no wonder we had a good time together.
With the article focusing on the emotional aspects and my feelings in general rather than the cold facts, a few photos symbolizing this would be nice, so we set to work. Location was the living room.
Trying numerous positions and looks and lighting, we slowly worked towards the ideal photo, according to Sasha. Eventually she got pretty excited and kept saying something about me looking like a Madonna (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna_%28art%29). After the last series was taken she dragged me to a darker part of the room and showed me the last series she had taken. I immediately had to agree that it looked like something you would see in a classical painting of the Madonna, or a classical painting in general.
Together with a few other pictures it filled the requirement for at least multiple variations of two types of pictures, namely the main photo, which would be printed the largest, and a smaller picture, to be used on the next page. I can't show anyone yet what these photos look like as I haven't received them yet from Sasha, and even then I wouldn't be allowed to show them. So, just a bit of patience please :)
After the photoshoot the fun started, with me getting a splitting headache (from looking at so many bright lights without being able to avert my eyes) and generally feeling drained combined with the onset of sore and stiff muscles. After a brief nap and some painkillers I felt better. Despite this discomfort it was more than worth it, though.
This morning I'm still not feeling okay, though. I'm feeling quite tired with little appetite, and the nausea I felt this morning was even more severe than usual. I think I just need to catch up on some sleep, though. I didn't sleep that well last night.
Maya
At this moment I'm reminded of the events of yesterday by the soreness in many muscles and joints, some of which I didn't even know existed. It reminds me strongly of the first photoshoot I had, which also left me feeling as though I had had an unfortunate encounter with a freight train.
At around 11 AM the photographer arrived at my house. The first hours we spent mostly talking, drinking coffee (she, not me), walking Pieter's dogs and discussing the options with the photoshoot. My impression of this photographer (who as an aside has her site at www.sashalambert.nl ) was that of a very frank and open woman, who appears to have many similarities with my personality. It was no wonder we had a good time together.
With the article focusing on the emotional aspects and my feelings in general rather than the cold facts, a few photos symbolizing this would be nice, so we set to work. Location was the living room.
Trying numerous positions and looks and lighting, we slowly worked towards the ideal photo, according to Sasha. Eventually she got pretty excited and kept saying something about me looking like a Madonna (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna_%28art%29). After the last series was taken she dragged me to a darker part of the room and showed me the last series she had taken. I immediately had to agree that it looked like something you would see in a classical painting of the Madonna, or a classical painting in general.
Together with a few other pictures it filled the requirement for at least multiple variations of two types of pictures, namely the main photo, which would be printed the largest, and a smaller picture, to be used on the next page. I can't show anyone yet what these photos look like as I haven't received them yet from Sasha, and even then I wouldn't be allowed to show them. So, just a bit of patience please :)
After the photoshoot the fun started, with me getting a splitting headache (from looking at so many bright lights without being able to avert my eyes) and generally feeling drained combined with the onset of sore and stiff muscles. After a brief nap and some painkillers I felt better. Despite this discomfort it was more than worth it, though.
This morning I'm still not feeling okay, though. I'm feeling quite tired with little appetite, and the nausea I felt this morning was even more severe than usual. I think I just need to catch up on some sleep, though. I didn't sleep that well last night.
Maya
Friday, 28 August 2009
Half A Life
Yesterday was a very busy day, with an appointment with my GP in the morning and the magazine interview in the afternoon. I arrived early at the GP's office and she just happened to have some time free before my official appointment time, so we had half an hour instead of ten minutes to discuss matters.
She hadn't heard yet about the events at the UMCG, so she was quite happy that things had gone so well. She was almost overjoyed that she could prescribe the hormones to me now. The plan now is that I'll begin using with the Estradiol patches on Sunday, with a blood test after about four weeks of using them to check my hormone levels. I'll then switch back to the pills for a week which is when I'll have another appointment with my GP where I'll get the results of the blood test. She'll then prescribe the gel form of the patches, which I'll then also use for about a month to compare the gel and patches.
I also showed my GP an article on true hermaphroditism I had received from professor Weijmar Schultz during the appointment. She asked me to make a copy of it at the reception desk, which I did after our appointment was over. I admitted to her that I hadn't read it through yet, as it was kind of painful to me to read.
Once back home I had breakfast/lunch and awaited the arrival of the journalist for the magazine interview. The interview lasted about 2.5 hours, during which I told her just about everything. I thought things went quite well, and she seemed genuinely interested in my situation. She hadn't seen the pictures from the photoshoot yet, so I showed them to her. The pictures definitely got her approval, and I got yet another "You could be a model" comment :)
She will have the article written in about a week time, after which it'll be submitted to the magazine. How long it'll take until publication I do not know yet. The journalist said she'll ask when she submits the article, but said that considering how quickly the photoshoot got arranged it'll definitely be sooner rather than later. My own estimate is within a month from now :P
At this point I'm thus waiting for: magazine publication, TV documentary broadcast, MRI discussion results, genetical test results, and endocrinological results. After Pieter submits his email to a few politicians on the gender change issue the wait will be on for what their response will be as well.
As I also pointed out to the journalist during the interview, I really can not use or develop my emotional side as long as I don't know what I am, physically. I do know who I am, but I don't know what I am, and the effect of that is essentially that everything but intellectual matters are very hard to downright impossible for me. It's like half of my existence is being denied with a female body which isn't female, an official identity which denies how people around me see me, and an inability to explain to anyone, including a potential girlfriend what I actually am other than a freak of nature. It all hovers right on the very edge of what is still bearable, though I get more than a few glimpses of the abyss each day.
I still hate waiting...
Maya
She hadn't heard yet about the events at the UMCG, so she was quite happy that things had gone so well. She was almost overjoyed that she could prescribe the hormones to me now. The plan now is that I'll begin using with the Estradiol patches on Sunday, with a blood test after about four weeks of using them to check my hormone levels. I'll then switch back to the pills for a week which is when I'll have another appointment with my GP where I'll get the results of the blood test. She'll then prescribe the gel form of the patches, which I'll then also use for about a month to compare the gel and patches.
I also showed my GP an article on true hermaphroditism I had received from professor Weijmar Schultz during the appointment. She asked me to make a copy of it at the reception desk, which I did after our appointment was over. I admitted to her that I hadn't read it through yet, as it was kind of painful to me to read.
Once back home I had breakfast/lunch and awaited the arrival of the journalist for the magazine interview. The interview lasted about 2.5 hours, during which I told her just about everything. I thought things went quite well, and she seemed genuinely interested in my situation. She hadn't seen the pictures from the photoshoot yet, so I showed them to her. The pictures definitely got her approval, and I got yet another "You could be a model" comment :)
She will have the article written in about a week time, after which it'll be submitted to the magazine. How long it'll take until publication I do not know yet. The journalist said she'll ask when she submits the article, but said that considering how quickly the photoshoot got arranged it'll definitely be sooner rather than later. My own estimate is within a month from now :P
At this point I'm thus waiting for: magazine publication, TV documentary broadcast, MRI discussion results, genetical test results, and endocrinological results. After Pieter submits his email to a few politicians on the gender change issue the wait will be on for what their response will be as well.
As I also pointed out to the journalist during the interview, I really can not use or develop my emotional side as long as I don't know what I am, physically. I do know who I am, but I don't know what I am, and the effect of that is essentially that everything but intellectual matters are very hard to downright impossible for me. It's like half of my existence is being denied with a female body which isn't female, an official identity which denies how people around me see me, and an inability to explain to anyone, including a potential girlfriend what I actually am other than a freak of nature. It all hovers right on the very edge of what is still bearable, though I get more than a few glimpses of the abyss each day.
I still hate waiting...
Maya
Thursday, 6 August 2009
Appointments
Today I find myself experiencing some mildly sore muscles due to the exercise I got during the modelling yesterday while standing perfectly still in less than comfortable positions. I'm sure it was worth it, though.
Pieter called the UMCG this morning, but the person managing the schedule wasn't available right away, so they'd call back. I just got called back and in summary there is no appointment on file on the 21st for me. They thought that perhaps professor Weijmar Schultz may have only written it down in his own agenda. Unfortunately he isn't present today. The woman I talked to said she'd send him an email and I'd probably be called back again on Friday or else Monday. Let's hope this gets cleared up soon. Things are exciting enough already without having to play the appointment game.
I'll be going to take a nap in a moment as I didn't get much sleep last night. Had trouble falling asleep and woke up after less than four hours. After I wake up I'll be starting work on the new custom webshop for Nyanko. I have looked at existing options before, such as ZenCart, but none of them seems to offer much in terms of options for digital distribution, documentation and easy customizability. Instead of modifying one of those to my liking it'd be a lot faster to just write my own solution.
To which end I have procured a payment module (credit cards, PayPal, etc.) as that is the most crucial bit of code in the entire shop. User accounts and sessions will be encrypted using AES with the standard features of a webshop of course being present, such as a shopping basket and account profile section. The webshop is being developed as a module for the new CMS (Nyanko CMS; NCMS), which will be launched together before the first game is released.
It's still a lot of work, but I'm confident it will be ready on time. I only wish that I had more time to work on projects like Lilium, but one can't have everything, I guess :)
Maya
Pieter called the UMCG this morning, but the person managing the schedule wasn't available right away, so they'd call back. I just got called back and in summary there is no appointment on file on the 21st for me. They thought that perhaps professor Weijmar Schultz may have only written it down in his own agenda. Unfortunately he isn't present today. The woman I talked to said she'd send him an email and I'd probably be called back again on Friday or else Monday. Let's hope this gets cleared up soon. Things are exciting enough already without having to play the appointment game.
I'll be going to take a nap in a moment as I didn't get much sleep last night. Had trouble falling asleep and woke up after less than four hours. After I wake up I'll be starting work on the new custom webshop for Nyanko. I have looked at existing options before, such as ZenCart, but none of them seems to offer much in terms of options for digital distribution, documentation and easy customizability. Instead of modifying one of those to my liking it'd be a lot faster to just write my own solution.
To which end I have procured a payment module (credit cards, PayPal, etc.) as that is the most crucial bit of code in the entire shop. User accounts and sessions will be encrypted using AES with the standard features of a webshop of course being present, such as a shopping basket and account profile section. The webshop is being developed as a module for the new CMS (Nyanko CMS; NCMS), which will be launched together before the first game is released.
It's still a lot of work, but I'm confident it will be ready on time. I only wish that I had more time to work on projects like Lilium, but one can't have everything, I guess :)
Maya
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Business Time
The weekend was fairly uneventful, with grocery shopping on Saturday and a visit from some friends of Pieter. Sunday all four of us went to the pool in Almere-Stad again. This time I spent a great deal of time talking to one of the staff there, an older woman. I ended up telling her my 'secret' and everything. She seemed very understanding, having some experiences of her own, mostly related to her not-so-feminine twin sister which made it easier for her to relate. I also ended up talking a bit with her daughter, who was also working there.
Near the end of our time at the pool I kind of collapsed, though. I felt very dizzy, nauseous and such. The woman of the staff I had talked to before told me to sit down and got me some tea so that I could recover somewhat. After Pieter and I got home and had lunch, I really crashed. For some reason when Pieter was helping me get up from the couch it suddenly appeared to me as though he was twisting my wrist. When he noticed my discomfort he moved my arm to what he thought was a more comfortable position, but by then I was freaking out, having descended into some kind of nightmare world where he was intentionally trying to hurt me.
When Pieter let go off my wrist I curled up in a ball on the couch and just lied there, shivering and trembling. Then as he tried to pull me closer to him to comfort me I began to spasm and cry and... I don't really remember all that happened. All I really remember is that afterwards I felt so completely tired that Pieter had to nearly carry me upstairs where he put me down on my bed. When I fell asleep shortly after, it was up to Pieter to call my mother to inform her that I wouldn't be able to make it to the dinner my older brother had organized for my younger brother, my mother and me. Later that day I talked some more with my mother by phone and assured her that I was doing fine again.
It took me a few hours of sleep to recover. That day I also had a sleeping pill, but it didn't prevent me from feeling intensely sick during the morning. As I don't have a fever or anything it seems likely that it's just a combination of stress and exhaustion.
On Tuesday I had my appointment with my GP. She wasn't fully updated yet on the situation yet as she had just returned from her vacation, but I brought her up to date with the most important changes, including the suspicions of fraud, which she didn't seem to dismiss. She will read through the documents I sent her (on the irregularities etc) and also call professor Weijmar Schultz of the UMCG as he had tried to call her earlier this month when she was on vacation. She will call me afterwards to inform me of the contents of that discussion.
At 2 PM I had an appointment in Lelystad with my contact person for the Bbz welfare request. When he came downstairs to pick me up from the waiting room he seemed to be taken aback for a bit when he saw a woman instead of the man he had been expecting, but when I explained my situation he quickly caught on. He had read the summary I had put in the request form as well, so he wasn't totally unprepared.
We had a pretty good talk, the good news is that my request isn't rejected, they just want to have an external company investigate the viability of my company a bit more. To this purpose someone will call me for an appointment, then they'll come here (1 or 2 people) to check things out. We talked about the things I need to prepare, such as fully defined revenue projections, a completely overview of expected costs and required profit/income, and so on. I'll attempt to get this all sorted as soon as possible. He also offered me part of the first welfare cheque if I wouldn't make it financially, with of course the catch that if I wouldn't get accepted for it, I would have to pay it back. I thought it was very kind.
The two items which are or will be the main sources of revenue for Nyanko are its games and its software products, particularly niche software such as the VHDL/Verilog hardware simulator I'm working on. With a few weeks I should have a prototype of it up and running, by which time we should have the first demo of our first game working too. At this point Trevor is working on a quick demo to show off (and help in debugging :P ) the game engine.
In other news, I finally took some more pics and updated the picture on my blog. Enjoy! Or not :P
Maya
Near the end of our time at the pool I kind of collapsed, though. I felt very dizzy, nauseous and such. The woman of the staff I had talked to before told me to sit down and got me some tea so that I could recover somewhat. After Pieter and I got home and had lunch, I really crashed. For some reason when Pieter was helping me get up from the couch it suddenly appeared to me as though he was twisting my wrist. When he noticed my discomfort he moved my arm to what he thought was a more comfortable position, but by then I was freaking out, having descended into some kind of nightmare world where he was intentionally trying to hurt me.
When Pieter let go off my wrist I curled up in a ball on the couch and just lied there, shivering and trembling. Then as he tried to pull me closer to him to comfort me I began to spasm and cry and... I don't really remember all that happened. All I really remember is that afterwards I felt so completely tired that Pieter had to nearly carry me upstairs where he put me down on my bed. When I fell asleep shortly after, it was up to Pieter to call my mother to inform her that I wouldn't be able to make it to the dinner my older brother had organized for my younger brother, my mother and me. Later that day I talked some more with my mother by phone and assured her that I was doing fine again.
It took me a few hours of sleep to recover. That day I also had a sleeping pill, but it didn't prevent me from feeling intensely sick during the morning. As I don't have a fever or anything it seems likely that it's just a combination of stress and exhaustion.
On Tuesday I had my appointment with my GP. She wasn't fully updated yet on the situation yet as she had just returned from her vacation, but I brought her up to date with the most important changes, including the suspicions of fraud, which she didn't seem to dismiss. She will read through the documents I sent her (on the irregularities etc) and also call professor Weijmar Schultz of the UMCG as he had tried to call her earlier this month when she was on vacation. She will call me afterwards to inform me of the contents of that discussion.
At 2 PM I had an appointment in Lelystad with my contact person for the Bbz welfare request. When he came downstairs to pick me up from the waiting room he seemed to be taken aback for a bit when he saw a woman instead of the man he had been expecting, but when I explained my situation he quickly caught on. He had read the summary I had put in the request form as well, so he wasn't totally unprepared.
We had a pretty good talk, the good news is that my request isn't rejected, they just want to have an external company investigate the viability of my company a bit more. To this purpose someone will call me for an appointment, then they'll come here (1 or 2 people) to check things out. We talked about the things I need to prepare, such as fully defined revenue projections, a completely overview of expected costs and required profit/income, and so on. I'll attempt to get this all sorted as soon as possible. He also offered me part of the first welfare cheque if I wouldn't make it financially, with of course the catch that if I wouldn't get accepted for it, I would have to pay it back. I thought it was very kind.
The two items which are or will be the main sources of revenue for Nyanko are its games and its software products, particularly niche software such as the VHDL/Verilog hardware simulator I'm working on. With a few weeks I should have a prototype of it up and running, by which time we should have the first demo of our first game working too. At this point Trevor is working on a quick demo to show off (and help in debugging :P ) the game engine.
In other news, I finally took some more pics and updated the picture on my blog. Enjoy! Or not :P
Maya
Sunday, 27 July 2008
Timebomb...
Last Wednesday I went to the Flevo hospital to pick up the background/referral letter for the AMC which was supposed to be there, but wasn't. At least I got a nice hour of driving on my bicycle out of it. That day I also check the AMC site to see whether I could find the endocrinologist, Linthorst, with whom I had an appointment the next day, only to discover that I couldn't find him anywhere on the site.
When I reported this to my housemate, he immediately started looking around for a reference as well and eventually called the AMC to confirm the appointment, which the department he called couldn't. So the next day at around 8 AM he called the AMC again, had the appointment confirmed (backwards appointment system) and got me a real referral letter from my physician (GP). He also called the Flevo where they seemed to be confused as to what was going on, but there had to be a letter for the AMC somewhere in the system. Before I left with Pieter to pick up the referral letter, I got a call from the Flevo hospital informing me that there was no letter after all. Geez.
So thanks to Pieter everything turned out alright after all and I headed by public transport to Amsterdam, to the AMC. Still suffering from the flu, I was quite short of breath by the time I arrived at the AMC, but still managed to arrive nicely on time and waited for Linthorst to call for me, which took about 30 minutes.
In short, he's going to look at all the data the VUMC and Erasmus MC have and will see me again in 5 weeks. Utterly useless in other words, because there's no way I can last another 5 weeks. It's bad enough to wait for next week Tuesday when I get the call from the Erasmus MC, informing me on what they've seen on the MRI images this time. I swear I'm going to hurt someone if they don't see it this time... I mean, I can f****** feel that I've got a ***** vagina and that they just can't accept it even after 3.5 years is enough to make me either want to hurt myself or direct the hatred outwards and blow up a few select hospitals.
The past few days I've begun to work more and more, to the point where my daily output is about a quarter of what it should be on a daily basis. Thursday I couldn't work at all, though. I felt so horrible at yet another confrontation with all the things I hate so much in this life that I even woke up severely depressed the next day. If it wasn't for Pieter emotionally supporting me those days things wouldn't have kind of fizzled out again like this.
While I may appear relatively calm and composed at the moment, I can feel the frustration and pain building up inside me again, which'll reach a climax on Tuesday. Bad news: self-destruction. Good news: first careful glimpses of hope. I can't change anything about it. I'm still nothing and no one until I'm told that I can finally be the person I bloody well know I am.
On a more positive note, I have finally decided to begin with modeling and as related venture photo requests. Enough people have told me that I should be a model and I'd welcome the extra money it might bring that I'm willing to give it a try. You can find more information on it at www.mayaposch.com under the heading in the menu.
Maya
When I reported this to my housemate, he immediately started looking around for a reference as well and eventually called the AMC to confirm the appointment, which the department he called couldn't. So the next day at around 8 AM he called the AMC again, had the appointment confirmed (backwards appointment system) and got me a real referral letter from my physician (GP). He also called the Flevo where they seemed to be confused as to what was going on, but there had to be a letter for the AMC somewhere in the system. Before I left with Pieter to pick up the referral letter, I got a call from the Flevo hospital informing me that there was no letter after all. Geez.
So thanks to Pieter everything turned out alright after all and I headed by public transport to Amsterdam, to the AMC. Still suffering from the flu, I was quite short of breath by the time I arrived at the AMC, but still managed to arrive nicely on time and waited for Linthorst to call for me, which took about 30 minutes.
In short, he's going to look at all the data the VUMC and Erasmus MC have and will see me again in 5 weeks. Utterly useless in other words, because there's no way I can last another 5 weeks. It's bad enough to wait for next week Tuesday when I get the call from the Erasmus MC, informing me on what they've seen on the MRI images this time. I swear I'm going to hurt someone if they don't see it this time... I mean, I can f****** feel that I've got a ***** vagina and that they just can't accept it even after 3.5 years is enough to make me either want to hurt myself or direct the hatred outwards and blow up a few select hospitals.
The past few days I've begun to work more and more, to the point where my daily output is about a quarter of what it should be on a daily basis. Thursday I couldn't work at all, though. I felt so horrible at yet another confrontation with all the things I hate so much in this life that I even woke up severely depressed the next day. If it wasn't for Pieter emotionally supporting me those days things wouldn't have kind of fizzled out again like this.
While I may appear relatively calm and composed at the moment, I can feel the frustration and pain building up inside me again, which'll reach a climax on Tuesday. Bad news: self-destruction. Good news: first careful glimpses of hope. I can't change anything about it. I'm still nothing and no one until I'm told that I can finally be the person I bloody well know I am.
On a more positive note, I have finally decided to begin with modeling and as related venture photo requests. Enough people have told me that I should be a model and I'd welcome the extra money it might bring that I'm willing to give it a try. You can find more information on it at www.mayaposch.com under the heading in the menu.
Maya
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)