Yesterday I did pretty much nothing after I wrote my blog post in the morning aside from reading, sleeping and watching movies. After my decision to revert many changes in my emotional side, it's like I've pulled loose a huge pile of tangled up... stuff, with the resulting feeling being akin to sitting on the very edge of a seesaw trying to balance a huge weight at the other side, which then suddenly largely vanishes, causing me to be nearly launched into the skies. Unbalancing, one could say.
This morning I realized something which basically sums up my uneasiness, frustration and such I've suffered during the past years. In essence I'm not fully accepted in this world as a guy, girl, or even an adult. This is why I felt so strongly the need to basically revert to being a child again, as then I'm allowed to be genderless and dodge many responsibilities. I still won't be able to avoid many things, but at least without the need to be seen as a girl so strongly present I won't keep getting hurt whenever things come up which disrupt this. It's just too bloody chaotic.
Allow me to explain things a bit more. Last week Wednesday I was more or less judged to be merely male by that ignorant endocrinologist, yet in general life I'm being seen and treated as a girl, however my official gender and name keep popping up, which causes people to regard me as being things like a transvestite or transsexual or so. Such events pretty much rip the footing from below me, causing me to tumble into a dark pit of nothingness yet again. Obviously this causes more stress than I'm capable of handling right now, hence my decision to make myself more or less immune to it via this way.
It seems that I'll have to call my former physician, as she's not responding to my emails at all. Apparently she's determined to cause me pain and suffering until the very end. How nice. I feel tempted to just forget about all this physician stuff, lock myself up inside my room and see what happens with the things my friends are researching for me in regards to specialists willing to look at me and take me serious.
Part of me is nearly panicking over any pain or discomfort I feel, thinking it might be symptoms of cancer. Intersexuality namely significantly increases the possibility of cancer, and without a proper diagnosis there's no telling what the risk in my case is, or whether I've already got it. I guess this is why not being taken seriously by medical people feels like a kind of death sentence.
Today I'll be trying to work as much as possible, while the last remains of my 'adult-level' emotions slowly dissolve. I haven't felt as calm as I feel now in a long time. I really feel I have made the right decision, even if it was a quite severe one.
Maya
Friday, 29 February 2008
Thursday, 28 February 2008
Nice Try, But You Failed~
Yesterday went pretty much as planned. The weather was rather nice, with lots of sun, though I didn't get to ride my bicycle as I had forgotten the second place I wanted to visit was also right next to a trainstation I'd pass by. Ah well, enough chances to ride my new bike left :D
After dinner the AD&D game night started, and was fun as usual. This campaign's story plays in a big city, where I as a bard have just met a group of people all part of or at least connected to some rich and important people. One of them invited me to dinner and to perform as well as stay at his place, an offer which I accepted :)
I still can't stop thinking about creating a hybrid table top/digital version of AD&D, in which people are still sitting around a table but with the world really brought to life in the most free-form RPG videogame possible. It should be interesting to see what I can come up with, with the help of my AD&D pals.
After the AD&D night ended and people went home, friend A stayed for a bit so that he could get a copy of the CD with MRI images as well as a copy of the MRI analysis report. We talked for over an hour until he went home. I can't wait to see what his appointment on Tuesday results in.
I'm still waiting for a response from my former physician regarding my file, but even after two emails in the span of a week I haven't received a single response yet. So annoying. Yesterday NG sent me the response he received from P.T. Cohen-Kettenis, the psychologist also mentioned in the AISNederland article. She's supposedly the one who created the intersexuals subdivision within the gender team of the VUMC. Her response basically said that they're looking at the things I've mentioned to them and that I'll receive a response once the whole team has looked at it. I take this to mean that she only knows about the fact that I was supposed to come there and doesn't know yet that I was kicked in the face and forced to retreat to take care of my injuries. She's part of those @#$@$% bastards who I'd like to @#$@# and @#$%@# @#$#@% until they beg for mercy, or die. I seriously hate all of those people with more than just a passion. I don't expect anything from her, in other words. I sent her a response along these lines.
One thing I mentioned to A yesterday, namely that I seemed to have stabilized emotionally since Wednesday last week, turns out to be completely wrong. It's now clear to me, also after my outburst of anger after reading the response of Cohen-Kettenis (what could they in heaven's name still be talking about if they were so set on discounting my opinion last week?), that that event literally pushed me off the edge of a cliff emotionally speaking.
A few days ago I scared NG a bit by asking him whether there were any sleeping pills or such in the house in amounts large enough to be used for suicide, since I felt afraid I might attempt such a thing considering my thoughts the night before. Fortunately no such things are available, but as I mentioned to A yesterday, if this situation were to last half a year longer without significant progress, I'd have stock-piled sleeping pills by then and killed myself.
For this reason I have decided to undo most of the emotional growth I've gone through the past years, to revert more or less back to the state I was in during early 2005, with some significant improvements. Nevertheless I feel that destroying most of my emotional side is a step I need to take to protect myself. I'm too terrified of what possible, harmful actions I might take otherwise if I don't do this.
Some people may have noticed already that I quit visiting Facebook. This was because I partially withdrew into myself again. I won't be visiting that site again, even after killing off my emotions, as it's a useless waste of time. Instead I'll be focusing on my work, work and more work.
Welcome to Purgatory~
Maya
After dinner the AD&D game night started, and was fun as usual. This campaign's story plays in a big city, where I as a bard have just met a group of people all part of or at least connected to some rich and important people. One of them invited me to dinner and to perform as well as stay at his place, an offer which I accepted :)
I still can't stop thinking about creating a hybrid table top/digital version of AD&D, in which people are still sitting around a table but with the world really brought to life in the most free-form RPG videogame possible. It should be interesting to see what I can come up with, with the help of my AD&D pals.
After the AD&D night ended and people went home, friend A stayed for a bit so that he could get a copy of the CD with MRI images as well as a copy of the MRI analysis report. We talked for over an hour until he went home. I can't wait to see what his appointment on Tuesday results in.
I'm still waiting for a response from my former physician regarding my file, but even after two emails in the span of a week I haven't received a single response yet. So annoying. Yesterday NG sent me the response he received from P.T. Cohen-Kettenis, the psychologist also mentioned in the AISNederland article. She's supposedly the one who created the intersexuals subdivision within the gender team of the VUMC. Her response basically said that they're looking at the things I've mentioned to them and that I'll receive a response once the whole team has looked at it. I take this to mean that she only knows about the fact that I was supposed to come there and doesn't know yet that I was kicked in the face and forced to retreat to take care of my injuries. She's part of those @#$@$% bastards who I'd like to @#$@# and @#$%@# @#$#@% until they beg for mercy, or die. I seriously hate all of those people with more than just a passion. I don't expect anything from her, in other words. I sent her a response along these lines.
One thing I mentioned to A yesterday, namely that I seemed to have stabilized emotionally since Wednesday last week, turns out to be completely wrong. It's now clear to me, also after my outburst of anger after reading the response of Cohen-Kettenis (what could they in heaven's name still be talking about if they were so set on discounting my opinion last week?), that that event literally pushed me off the edge of a cliff emotionally speaking.
A few days ago I scared NG a bit by asking him whether there were any sleeping pills or such in the house in amounts large enough to be used for suicide, since I felt afraid I might attempt such a thing considering my thoughts the night before. Fortunately no such things are available, but as I mentioned to A yesterday, if this situation were to last half a year longer without significant progress, I'd have stock-piled sleeping pills by then and killed myself.
For this reason I have decided to undo most of the emotional growth I've gone through the past years, to revert more or less back to the state I was in during early 2005, with some significant improvements. Nevertheless I feel that destroying most of my emotional side is a step I need to take to protect myself. I'm too terrified of what possible, harmful actions I might take otherwise if I don't do this.
Some people may have noticed already that I quit visiting Facebook. This was because I partially withdrew into myself again. I won't be visiting that site again, even after killing off my emotions, as it's a useless waste of time. Instead I'll be focusing on my work, work and more work.
Welcome to Purgatory~
Maya
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
Busy Busy Busy~
It's nearly 1 AM now, but I felt I had to provide some updates, just to show that a) I'm not dead, b) I'm not a mean person and c) I still like kittens. Don't ask me how writing this post proves the latter, though.
On Sunday I tried to finish this one project for my Norwegian friend, and failed. I also failed to complete it on Monday, but with a little help from my Canadian friend I managed to finish it this morning in the nick of time. Unless something goes really wrong, I'll get a nice amount of money from it early next month. I can't wait for it.
After finishing this work I didn't feel like doing anything today, so I spent the rest of the day mostly reading books and watching movies alone and with NG. I realized how tired I was from the stress and lack of sleep. I really need to be careful not to overburden myself.
Some progress today: Friend A is going to talk with someone who can possibly help me next Tuesday. Another friend Aa, in Australia, who also happens to be a medical student, also offered to help me a few days ago and today he sent me an update, telling me that he has some top medical people searching for some experts who might be interested in me. Absolutely wonderful.
Today I also mailed the update letter to the complaint commission, so that they're aware of the events last Wednesday as well. More positively I received the UPSs I had ordered at an online shop last Friday. It's nice to have clean, filtered backed-up power for one's critical systems :D
Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I've got an appointment in the city in the morning, after which I'll go to city hall to get me registered in Almere, followed by some shopping. After lunch I'll get on my bike into town to get my data moved to my bank here, followed by some more shopping. Tons of fun.
Then, after dinner it'll be time for my second AD&D night, this time here at NG's house. I'm planning to wear one of the dresses I bought for this occasion. Seems like fun ;)
See you whackos tomorrow again~
Maya
On Sunday I tried to finish this one project for my Norwegian friend, and failed. I also failed to complete it on Monday, but with a little help from my Canadian friend I managed to finish it this morning in the nick of time. Unless something goes really wrong, I'll get a nice amount of money from it early next month. I can't wait for it.
After finishing this work I didn't feel like doing anything today, so I spent the rest of the day mostly reading books and watching movies alone and with NG. I realized how tired I was from the stress and lack of sleep. I really need to be careful not to overburden myself.
Some progress today: Friend A is going to talk with someone who can possibly help me next Tuesday. Another friend Aa, in Australia, who also happens to be a medical student, also offered to help me a few days ago and today he sent me an update, telling me that he has some top medical people searching for some experts who might be interested in me. Absolutely wonderful.
Today I also mailed the update letter to the complaint commission, so that they're aware of the events last Wednesday as well. More positively I received the UPSs I had ordered at an online shop last Friday. It's nice to have clean, filtered backed-up power for one's critical systems :D
Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I've got an appointment in the city in the morning, after which I'll go to city hall to get me registered in Almere, followed by some shopping. After lunch I'll get on my bike into town to get my data moved to my bank here, followed by some more shopping. Tons of fun.
Then, after dinner it'll be time for my second AD&D night, this time here at NG's house. I'm planning to wear one of the dresses I bought for this occasion. Seems like fun ;)
See you whackos tomorrow again~
Maya
Sunday, 24 February 2008
Catching Up...
So it seems like my ritual of daily blog updates has been rudely disrupted. I personally blame the fact that I've got more and more people around me to talk to, and also that these people keep me occupied until I feel too tired to write a blog post :P
After Wednesday things got quite tough for me. During a cuddling session on Thursday I burst out in tears and cried for a few hours. I felt so incredibly useless and defective and so on. I also still don't understand why I'm being treated so cruelly by those medical 'experts'. I really don't know anything.
Yesterday was a lot more positive, though. First there was the appointment with my new physician (GP). She was a much nicer person than my previous GP, and seemed genuinely willing to help me. I just have to get my file back from my old GP so that I can give it to her to allow her to orient herself on this issue. I feel quite confident that she can do something for me.
Then there's my friend A, the medical student, who dropped by yesterday night for a talk. He had already read some of my blog (since I put it as my MSN message), so he wasn't fully unprepared. He repeatedly expressed his willingness to help me via his contacts in the medical world. We talked until close to 2 AM, after which Mr NG and I dropped him off at his house.
Today A called me, to ask some more things, mostly about how far I was willing to go. During his research today he found out that my condition is very rare, which'd mean that the right physicians would be more than interested in me, which could result in a lot of attention. I answered that I would be okay with such attention. As long as the facts are presented in a correct manner, more attention is always better, if only to get more attention for the issue of intersexuality.
Also today NG and I went into the city for some things, like shopping, getting a haircut (first time for me since November 2006) and I got to arrange some things I still had to take care of. We did however not find a suitable bike yet. Tomorrow we'll search some more. I'll also need to work like crazy on this one project, as it's running behind schedule thanks to those wonderful past days. Ah well.
Good night, decent people~
Maya
After Wednesday things got quite tough for me. During a cuddling session on Thursday I burst out in tears and cried for a few hours. I felt so incredibly useless and defective and so on. I also still don't understand why I'm being treated so cruelly by those medical 'experts'. I really don't know anything.
Yesterday was a lot more positive, though. First there was the appointment with my new physician (GP). She was a much nicer person than my previous GP, and seemed genuinely willing to help me. I just have to get my file back from my old GP so that I can give it to her to allow her to orient herself on this issue. I feel quite confident that she can do something for me.
Then there's my friend A, the medical student, who dropped by yesterday night for a talk. He had already read some of my blog (since I put it as my MSN message), so he wasn't fully unprepared. He repeatedly expressed his willingness to help me via his contacts in the medical world. We talked until close to 2 AM, after which Mr NG and I dropped him off at his house.
Today A called me, to ask some more things, mostly about how far I was willing to go. During his research today he found out that my condition is very rare, which'd mean that the right physicians would be more than interested in me, which could result in a lot of attention. I answered that I would be okay with such attention. As long as the facts are presented in a correct manner, more attention is always better, if only to get more attention for the issue of intersexuality.
Also today NG and I went into the city for some things, like shopping, getting a haircut (first time for me since November 2006) and I got to arrange some things I still had to take care of. We did however not find a suitable bike yet. Tomorrow we'll search some more. I'll also need to work like crazy on this one project, as it's running behind schedule thanks to those wonderful past days. Ah well.
Good night, decent people~
Maya
Thursday, 21 February 2008
Sometimes You Just Want To Kill Them~
Sorry for not posting any updates the past few days. It seems I managed to wear myself out enough to only feel like sleeping. The moving went well, however. Monday I got picked up by Mr Nice Guy, to receive my stuff from the moving company 8 AM the next morning and spent the rest of the day unpacking boxes and arranging the room. Wednesday (today) Mr Nice Guy and I went to a DIY store to pick up some bolts and screws to replace the missing parts of my desk, which seem to have vanished somewhere during the moving. Ah well.
12 PM I left for the train station, to arrive in Amsterdam Zuid close to 1 PM, where I met up with this nice guy I had met via the internet years ago already. We ate a bit at a restaurant near the WTC and at around 2 PM we walked together to the VUMC hospital, where he wished me luck and after an embrace I went inside the hospital.
It was definitely strange to return to this place I had never thought I'd visit again after all of my bad experiences there. Ah well, this time things would be different. I mean, what could be the worst thing that could happen? They seemed to be taking my case serious now and acknowledgement of my 'issue' couldn't be far off now. After a bit of a wait I was finally invited inside by the endocrinologist, De Ronde.
My first impression after looking at this man can be summed up as 'Geez, a scruffy old guy. This can never be a good thing'. And how right I was. I really don't want to recall the details of this disgusting 'conversation', but in short this guy, despite not being trained to interpret MRI images (he even admitted so), thought that he couldn't see a vagina (the 'tube' part) on the MRI, and despite not seeing a prostate he assumed that because the outer male parts have developed 'normally' (I pointed out why this isn't the case), I had to have a prostate. He also told me that it was impossible for a person to have both male and female organs, despite there being millions of cases in which this is or was the case. For a person supposedly being specialized in intersexuality ( http://www.aisnederland.nl/berichten/20040110_vumc.html in Dutch), he knows absolutely nothing about this subject.
So basically he discounted the analysis made by the German clinic, saying that he couldn't see any of the things they saw, and that the MRI images looked normal to him. He didn't want to say that I'm male when I pushed him on this, but also didn't say that I am female. Also he says I'm not intersexual, which thus leaves me as undefined. This guy is full of shit.
After tens of minutes of this nonsense I got up in the midst of the 'conversation', picked up my jacket and bag and left the room after telling him that I was neither angry nor disappointed). On my way out of the hospital I took out a few plants and trash cans to relieve my frustration. Outside while walking to the train station I felt absolutely horrible, even self-destructive. I crossed a few roads without looking to see whether a car was coming, resulting in me nearly getting run over. When walking on the train platforms the thought to jump in front of a train crossed my mind a few times. I had to keep myself firmly in control to keep myself from bursting out in tears.
It was clear that my emotional side had pretty much completely collapsed at this inhumane treatment at the VUMC by this #$%$# piece of #$%$# %^$% who'd be better of #@#$@# @$#@$# at a @#$@#. Yes, I felt confused and angry at this treatment, which I could not match with common sense. For some reason it felt exactly the same as with the psychologists at the VUMC (and Zutphen) during 2005-2007. I managed to keep myself in check until I returned home and Mr NG came to greet me and ask how it went. At that point I couldn't hold myself back anymore and cried for many minutes while telling pieces of what had happened.
That was when Mr NG showed me again why he's such a great and caring person. He immediately suggested that I should make an appointment with a local physician and drove me to the health center to allow me to register (I'll have to get the registration forms back to them tomorrow morning) and an appointment was made for Friday. NG also said that he'll help me find a place where they will treat me with respect, even if it's in Belgium or Germany. Some of his friends might also be able to help.
I met a group of those friends today as well, with the weekly AD&D game night, which I returned from a few hours ago. It was really fun. These friends are definitely great people. I just hope that they won't change their position against me when they learn about my 'secret', though I doubt they would.
Anyway, I'm totally sick of the 'health care' here in the Netherlands. The VUMC gets my vote for the worst and most worthless 'hospital' in the entire galaxy. They've damaged me at least as much as the rape has, and I'm getting fucking tired of this everlasting pain. I've been crying so much today and questioning everything about me. Having been raised as a boy makes it really easy to see myself as a boy, of course. And without a fix for my IS condition I don't see how this'll change, period.
I just want to know what in the world I am, who I am and why so many people seem to be intent on destroying my life, or what's left of it. I'm so sick and tired of this all...
Maya
12 PM I left for the train station, to arrive in Amsterdam Zuid close to 1 PM, where I met up with this nice guy I had met via the internet years ago already. We ate a bit at a restaurant near the WTC and at around 2 PM we walked together to the VUMC hospital, where he wished me luck and after an embrace I went inside the hospital.
It was definitely strange to return to this place I had never thought I'd visit again after all of my bad experiences there. Ah well, this time things would be different. I mean, what could be the worst thing that could happen? They seemed to be taking my case serious now and acknowledgement of my 'issue' couldn't be far off now. After a bit of a wait I was finally invited inside by the endocrinologist, De Ronde.
My first impression after looking at this man can be summed up as 'Geez, a scruffy old guy. This can never be a good thing'. And how right I was. I really don't want to recall the details of this disgusting 'conversation', but in short this guy, despite not being trained to interpret MRI images (he even admitted so), thought that he couldn't see a vagina (the 'tube' part) on the MRI, and despite not seeing a prostate he assumed that because the outer male parts have developed 'normally' (I pointed out why this isn't the case), I had to have a prostate. He also told me that it was impossible for a person to have both male and female organs, despite there being millions of cases in which this is or was the case. For a person supposedly being specialized in intersexuality ( http://www.aisnederland.nl/berichten/20040110_vumc.html in Dutch), he knows absolutely nothing about this subject.
So basically he discounted the analysis made by the German clinic, saying that he couldn't see any of the things they saw, and that the MRI images looked normal to him. He didn't want to say that I'm male when I pushed him on this, but also didn't say that I am female. Also he says I'm not intersexual, which thus leaves me as undefined. This guy is full of shit.
After tens of minutes of this nonsense I got up in the midst of the 'conversation', picked up my jacket and bag and left the room after telling him that I was neither angry nor disappointed). On my way out of the hospital I took out a few plants and trash cans to relieve my frustration. Outside while walking to the train station I felt absolutely horrible, even self-destructive. I crossed a few roads without looking to see whether a car was coming, resulting in me nearly getting run over. When walking on the train platforms the thought to jump in front of a train crossed my mind a few times. I had to keep myself firmly in control to keep myself from bursting out in tears.
It was clear that my emotional side had pretty much completely collapsed at this inhumane treatment at the VUMC by this #$%$# piece of #$%$# %^$% who'd be better of #@#$@# @$#@$# at a @#$@#. Yes, I felt confused and angry at this treatment, which I could not match with common sense. For some reason it felt exactly the same as with the psychologists at the VUMC (and Zutphen) during 2005-2007. I managed to keep myself in check until I returned home and Mr NG came to greet me and ask how it went. At that point I couldn't hold myself back anymore and cried for many minutes while telling pieces of what had happened.
That was when Mr NG showed me again why he's such a great and caring person. He immediately suggested that I should make an appointment with a local physician and drove me to the health center to allow me to register (I'll have to get the registration forms back to them tomorrow morning) and an appointment was made for Friday. NG also said that he'll help me find a place where they will treat me with respect, even if it's in Belgium or Germany. Some of his friends might also be able to help.
I met a group of those friends today as well, with the weekly AD&D game night, which I returned from a few hours ago. It was really fun. These friends are definitely great people. I just hope that they won't change their position against me when they learn about my 'secret', though I doubt they would.
Anyway, I'm totally sick of the 'health care' here in the Netherlands. The VUMC gets my vote for the worst and most worthless 'hospital' in the entire galaxy. They've damaged me at least as much as the rape has, and I'm getting fucking tired of this everlasting pain. I've been crying so much today and questioning everything about me. Having been raised as a boy makes it really easy to see myself as a boy, of course. And without a fix for my IS condition I don't see how this'll change, period.
I just want to know what in the world I am, who I am and why so many people seem to be intent on destroying my life, or what's left of it. I'm so sick and tired of this all...
Maya
Sunday, 17 February 2008
So Long And Hello New Things~
Today I didn't do much more than work a bit and whine a lot about how sore my muscles are today (thanks to the exercise yesterday :P ), in addition to feeling very tired. I did manage to nearly finish the AD&D Player Handbook, though, in preparation for my first battles on Wednesday (following the battle in Amsterdam ;) ).
I'm not sure what else to write... just that the realization is dawning on me that when I go to bed in a few moments, it'll be the last time I'll be sleeping in this bed. In 24 hours I'll be in Almere, in my new room, sleeping in a completely different (though still very comfortable) bed. It's always strange how a place can grow on one, like the room I slept in in Norway (thanks for borrowing me your room, my dear Norwegian friend :D ), the basement room in my Canadian friend's house and now this guest room here in Zaandam.
It's of course still a good thing to be moving forward. I feel as though the future I want for myself is now slowly coming within reach. Just a few more months and things will be so much better than they are now. I hope that medically things will have moved forward by then as well.
The past weeks I've begun to feel more and more... nervous... tense about the appointment next Wednesday. I keep considering various scenarios, and the likelihood of them occurring. I just don't know. All the signs seem to be positive, but seeing as how I've only had 100% negative experiences in that place, it's hard for me to feel much confidence. I really, really hope that they can give me that confidence.
Tomorrow I'll be working a bit more on some projects, to then start packing everything so that I'll be ready for Mr Nice Guy to pick me up shortly after dinner. It's all extremely exciting and kind of unbelievable that this got arranged in just a few weeks time. Seriously cool. Now I just need to find a nice bicycle there to drive around and I'll be set ;)
Maya
I'm not sure what else to write... just that the realization is dawning on me that when I go to bed in a few moments, it'll be the last time I'll be sleeping in this bed. In 24 hours I'll be in Almere, in my new room, sleeping in a completely different (though still very comfortable) bed. It's always strange how a place can grow on one, like the room I slept in in Norway (thanks for borrowing me your room, my dear Norwegian friend :D ), the basement room in my Canadian friend's house and now this guest room here in Zaandam.
It's of course still a good thing to be moving forward. I feel as though the future I want for myself is now slowly coming within reach. Just a few more months and things will be so much better than they are now. I hope that medically things will have moved forward by then as well.
The past weeks I've begun to feel more and more... nervous... tense about the appointment next Wednesday. I keep considering various scenarios, and the likelihood of them occurring. I just don't know. All the signs seem to be positive, but seeing as how I've only had 100% negative experiences in that place, it's hard for me to feel much confidence. I really, really hope that they can give me that confidence.
Tomorrow I'll be working a bit more on some projects, to then start packing everything so that I'll be ready for Mr Nice Guy to pick me up shortly after dinner. It's all extremely exciting and kind of unbelievable that this got arranged in just a few weeks time. Seriously cool. Now I just need to find a nice bicycle there to drive around and I'll be set ;)
Maya
Saturday, 16 February 2008
Miracles~
Well, paint me pink and call me Shirley, but I still can't seem to figure out what I did right yesterday after I wrote my blog, in which I complained loudly about how Moodle refused to install. When I reloaded the tab I had the install page on, suddenly the install script started working and I was able to install Moodle without any complications. It's a friggin' miracle. Now to fix things up tomorrow.
Yesterday I thought that I'd be home today at around 6-7 PM. As it turned out, it'd be closer to 7.30. Ah well. I also didn't count on being so completely tired and exhausted. As I'm writing this I'm pretty much falling asleep. Please excuse any lapses in sense-making.
As planned, I spent 2 hours (from 10.00 to 12.00) in the pool, in my new bikini (yes, I know I promised to show pics of it before :P ). It was a great sensation to be in the water again, after a 6-year gap. I spent a lot of time playing with the children of my aunts and uncles. It really was a lot of fun, and I didn't get any weird stares (I did get stares, but I'm not sure how weird they were).
Anyway, after the swimming we all went to the restaurant, where we had lots of pancakes, in a wide range of varieties. It was rather yummy, and I got to meet a lot of family members I hadn't seen in years. This was all great, except for my niece. I felt rather disappointed about her, since I had expected something much bigger from her. Right now she's pregnant with her second child, and is about to marry this year with a macho guy with the IQ of a fish. Not that she seems that intelligent now. Quite a shame.
I also met my father again after 2 years or so. He seemed rather timid at seeing me, but I simply moved towards him, said hi and kissed him on the cheeks. In the restaurant he also sat down next to me and we talked for a bit. I also went with my older brother and father to the latter's house (my old house) and chatted there a bit more. It was all relatively positive, which is a definite improvement from the previous situation.
I went to visit my mother and her friend F at the latter's bookshop, Bonte Boeken in Hoorn, which is a rather nice store, I must say. When I arrived there they both weren't in the shop, but had gone into town for some shopping, so I got the parcel from the woman managing the shop and stayed for a bit to chat. When it turned 5 PM (I had arrived past 4 PM), my mother and F returned from their shopping spree and we went upstairs (where F lives) to drink some tea. I got to chat with the daughter of F, who I hadn't seen in 3 years either. She seemed a bit distant at first, but slowly she warmed up to me, and was disappointed when I had to leave. I thought that was really nice :)
So yeah, all together I've renewed a lot of contacts, got my medicine, and got to wear a bikini in a public pool for the first time ever. Definitely a good day. Tomorrow I'll probably be working, and a bit on Monday as well. Monday I'll have to start packing, though, as Mr Nice Guy will pick me up between 8 and 9 PM to get me and all my belongings to his place. I must say that I feel really grateful to both him and these people here in Zaandam who have gracefully allowed me to stay in their house for around a month.
Nice people really do exist, even if they can be a bit hard to find sometimes~
Maya
Yesterday I thought that I'd be home today at around 6-7 PM. As it turned out, it'd be closer to 7.30. Ah well. I also didn't count on being so completely tired and exhausted. As I'm writing this I'm pretty much falling asleep. Please excuse any lapses in sense-making.
As planned, I spent 2 hours (from 10.00 to 12.00) in the pool, in my new bikini (yes, I know I promised to show pics of it before :P ). It was a great sensation to be in the water again, after a 6-year gap. I spent a lot of time playing with the children of my aunts and uncles. It really was a lot of fun, and I didn't get any weird stares (I did get stares, but I'm not sure how weird they were).
Anyway, after the swimming we all went to the restaurant, where we had lots of pancakes, in a wide range of varieties. It was rather yummy, and I got to meet a lot of family members I hadn't seen in years. This was all great, except for my niece. I felt rather disappointed about her, since I had expected something much bigger from her. Right now she's pregnant with her second child, and is about to marry this year with a macho guy with the IQ of a fish. Not that she seems that intelligent now. Quite a shame.
I also met my father again after 2 years or so. He seemed rather timid at seeing me, but I simply moved towards him, said hi and kissed him on the cheeks. In the restaurant he also sat down next to me and we talked for a bit. I also went with my older brother and father to the latter's house (my old house) and chatted there a bit more. It was all relatively positive, which is a definite improvement from the previous situation.
I went to visit my mother and her friend F at the latter's bookshop, Bonte Boeken in Hoorn, which is a rather nice store, I must say. When I arrived there they both weren't in the shop, but had gone into town for some shopping, so I got the parcel from the woman managing the shop and stayed for a bit to chat. When it turned 5 PM (I had arrived past 4 PM), my mother and F returned from their shopping spree and we went upstairs (where F lives) to drink some tea. I got to chat with the daughter of F, who I hadn't seen in 3 years either. She seemed a bit distant at first, but slowly she warmed up to me, and was disappointed when I had to leave. I thought that was really nice :)
So yeah, all together I've renewed a lot of contacts, got my medicine, and got to wear a bikini in a public pool for the first time ever. Definitely a good day. Tomorrow I'll probably be working, and a bit on Monday as well. Monday I'll have to start packing, though, as Mr Nice Guy will pick me up between 8 and 9 PM to get me and all my belongings to his place. I must say that I feel really grateful to both him and these people here in Zaandam who have gracefully allowed me to stay in their house for around a month.
Nice people really do exist, even if they can be a bit hard to find sometimes~
Maya
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