Yesterday night I went out with the girl I had met before and her boyfriend. We went to a local cafe where we spent an hour or so shouting over the loud music and drinking alcoholic beverages. I still haven't fully grasped what part of this experience is considered 'fun', though I must admit it was an improvement over other places where I've been. Sitting next to a speaker which is blasting at 120+ dB is not fun, let alone healthy :P
Before I continue I'd like to apologize to everyone who felt shocked or such after reading my blog on Wednesday. I have talked and apologized to quite a few of them already and come to realize that at least a few people actually care about me. Thank you so much for being there for me. I can't promise that I won't go through another episode like that, as much depends on what happens medically, over which I seem to have little control.
A change seems to have occurred since Wednesday as well. I noticed on Thursday already that my emotional resistance against negative influences seem to be pretty much drained, allowing me to be much more easily affected by the triggers for my traumas, as I noticed last night as well. I've had this headache since yesterday morning as well so I think I'll go to bed again in a moment to catch up on some sleep before going to the cinema with Pieter and some other friends to see the new Indiana Jones movie.
Some reasons why I feel quite broken today include going to bed quite late (1 AM) and dreaming a lot. And I mean a lot. I can remember at least three separate dreams, the first being about someone informing me that this girl I knew vaguely from IRC was actually a transsexual, accompanied by pictures.
The second dream involved the house I currently live in, lots of weird, tiny, insect-like critters who I had to somehow manage. There were also lots of cats in the place. Herding talking insects, in other words. Geez, I must have been tired or so :P
The third dream after which I woke up had this girl I know from primary school expressing serious (sexual) interest in me and we getting it on. The manner in which I experienced this in my dream was the same as before with 'erotic' dreams, namely that I observe it clinically as though from a distance without any erotic feelings present, not even after waking up.
Annoying in this last dream was that while it felt right to be with this girl, her boyfriend was circling around her like a bad omen or so. She ignored him, but every time I saw him it hurt, as though at those times something precious was being torn away from me.
I thought that these dreams were rather interesting as they represent the primary issues which concern me, including trauma's. There's the attempting to gain overview (the insect critters), my primal fear and hatred of psychologists plus medical specialists and as a trigger transsexuals, and finally sexuality, relationships and men as representation of pain, suffering, misunderstanding and downright evil.
These dreams may mean that my subconsciousness is at least attempting to grasp these things and handle them. This would be very welcome, as clearly consciously the answer to the questions they pose elude me completely. I feel quite differently today as well. I'm not sure how to describe this sudden 'shift'... it's like the colours... sensations... everything just has shifted a few millimeters or even centimeters and the world feels very different.
Anyway... I have set myself a few short-term goals to focus on which should help stabilize and improve my mood, as well as my general health. The first one is of course to keep working on my current projects. Secondly save up enough money to get my current computer fixed (need a new mainboard), construct the file server so that I can do proper backups (need a new HDD among other parts), and finally save up enough money to buy a Wii with Wii Fit and the new Harvest Moon game (I love Harvest Moon a lot ;) ). This among paying off my many debts and setting aside some money for my own place (need to get out of this place before the end of the summer).
One day I truly might be happy...
Maya
Saturday, 31 May 2008
Thursday, 29 May 2008
A Tiny Shard Of Hope, Or: More Waiting~
Well, I managed to get a good night's sleep after all. Woke up feeling relatively calm, though still plagued by negative thoughts. It's no fun to find yourself visualizing your guts splattered all around and on a train's front (seen this form of suicide once from far too close already), or to imagine a knife slicing through your skin, with red blood lazily flowing out of the wound. I kept having to pull myself away from such thoughts.
Anyway, I talked with my good friend NG (Pieter). After soaking his shirt with tears (he's so going to get questions about that at his work today!), we talked about my situation. His suggestion was basically to focus on getting a reply from Privatescan, even if I had to call them directly. It feels good to have someone like him bring clarity to my situation like that.
Before calling them I wanted to try emailing them one last time, and dug through some old emails to find a personal Privatescan email address from the girl I talked with before and sent her an email. Shortly after I received a reply. She told me that there had been issues with the first clinic. They no longer work with them and it's taken a very long to make them give the MRI images. I felt kind of iffed that nothing had happened while I was under the assumption that the MRI images were already being analysed.
But no problem, in a subsequent phone call with this girl, in which she was very interested about my situation, she told me that the MRI images would be picked up by Privatescan staff and brought to a clinic in Duisburg, where the images will be analysed with priority. At this news I felt a sense of relief. No longer did it feel like everything had just stalled. Sure, this is just analysis, but it's progress. I just hope they get the right images this time...
As for my options after a confirmation... I have to get my insurer to cooperate with my plans to receive surgery in Germany, as there's no way I want to stick around for it in the Netherlands. The health care here is horrible and slow, which is why every year hundreds if not thousands of Dutch people go to Belgium and Germany for medical care instead. The exact way in which I'm going to convince my insurer I'm not sure about yet. They seem to prefer a recommendation from Dutch specialists, so this could get tricky.
I'm still working on this new community site of which I hope to launch the semi-open Alpha version test this week. Exact details about this project are only provided on a Need to Know basis, so don't get your hopes up yet ;) It won't provide the full functionality in this Alpha test as it's mostly meant to collect feedback on features and stability/bugs. More details will follow :)
Maya
Anyway, I talked with my good friend NG (Pieter). After soaking his shirt with tears (he's so going to get questions about that at his work today!), we talked about my situation. His suggestion was basically to focus on getting a reply from Privatescan, even if I had to call them directly. It feels good to have someone like him bring clarity to my situation like that.
Before calling them I wanted to try emailing them one last time, and dug through some old emails to find a personal Privatescan email address from the girl I talked with before and sent her an email. Shortly after I received a reply. She told me that there had been issues with the first clinic. They no longer work with them and it's taken a very long to make them give the MRI images. I felt kind of iffed that nothing had happened while I was under the assumption that the MRI images were already being analysed.
But no problem, in a subsequent phone call with this girl, in which she was very interested about my situation, she told me that the MRI images would be picked up by Privatescan staff and brought to a clinic in Duisburg, where the images will be analysed with priority. At this news I felt a sense of relief. No longer did it feel like everything had just stalled. Sure, this is just analysis, but it's progress. I just hope they get the right images this time...
As for my options after a confirmation... I have to get my insurer to cooperate with my plans to receive surgery in Germany, as there's no way I want to stick around for it in the Netherlands. The health care here is horrible and slow, which is why every year hundreds if not thousands of Dutch people go to Belgium and Germany for medical care instead. The exact way in which I'm going to convince my insurer I'm not sure about yet. They seem to prefer a recommendation from Dutch specialists, so this could get tricky.
I'm still working on this new community site of which I hope to launch the semi-open Alpha version test this week. Exact details about this project are only provided on a Need to Know basis, so don't get your hopes up yet ;) It won't provide the full functionality in this Alpha test as it's mostly meant to collect feedback on features and stability/bugs. More details will follow :)
Maya
The End...
Today I made two fatal mistakes... the first was to post a topic on the Tweakers forum asking for photographers who'd want to hold a photo shoot with me. This resulted in a barrage of questions and accusations and ultimately even one guy telling me that all he saw on the pics on my gallery was a boy wearing girl's clothes. This solidifies my fears that I have just been deceiving myself after all. I'm not a girl and will never be one. I don't want to be a boy either and I can't be one. I'm not a transsexual and will never be one. Intersexuality is a lie which I believed in and which has proven to be my undoing.
The second mistake was to accept an invitation to go with some 'friends' from the Tweakers site to a local cafe. There I got repeatedly my trauma's kicked against and my consequent suffering completely ignored. It was one of the most cruel experiences ever.
Together this has made me decide to completely wipe my presence from the Tweakers site, and no longer respond to their queries. But this is only the start. I just can no longer see any reason to keep living. I want to die to make this pain end.
Everything about my life has been an unfulfilled promise. My body is a ridiculous joke, I'm receiving no help at all on finding a solution for it. And no, talking about it and telling me it's going to be fine won't do a darn thing, you stupid morons. I don't respect a reply back from the second German clinic, not after over 2 weeks. I don't expect any specialist here in the Netherlands to help me get treatment in Germany. There is absolutely no hope here anymore. I've been too long out here alone in the scorching desert to go on. It's futile.
I'm going to make an appointment with my physician to discuss the option of euthanasia. Else I'll have to opt for the less desirable choice of suicide. Either way I'm through with this all. As I was lying in my moments ago, observing my desk and remembering all the plans I have had and still have and how nothing of it has worked out, how my whole life has been totally meaningless I just can't take it anymore.
This is possibly my last blog post ever. I hope you liked it so far and will perhaps once in a while think back to this life which was so promising and so futile.
So long.
Update: After one of the most terrifying moments in my life I have finally managed to somewhat calm myself down. The damage: a torn open knee where I used my nails, a bloody nose from who-knows-what, the most messiest hair in the world, a bed soaked with tears and a new-found fear for myself and respect for people who have to deal with insanity every day.
I have convinced myself at this moment to sleep and talk this over again tomorrow morning, and will definitely make an appointment with my physician as this situation I am in is absolutely critical now. I have never come this close to using the various sharp tools I have lying around on my desk and elsewhere in my room. Getting literally millimeters away from actually grabbing the boxcutter which is lying to my left at this moment and using it to disfigure for example my genital area is something I have no experienced so strongly before and quite frankly I'm terrified.
Maya
The second mistake was to accept an invitation to go with some 'friends' from the Tweakers site to a local cafe. There I got repeatedly my trauma's kicked against and my consequent suffering completely ignored. It was one of the most cruel experiences ever.
Together this has made me decide to completely wipe my presence from the Tweakers site, and no longer respond to their queries. But this is only the start. I just can no longer see any reason to keep living. I want to die to make this pain end.
Everything about my life has been an unfulfilled promise. My body is a ridiculous joke, I'm receiving no help at all on finding a solution for it. And no, talking about it and telling me it's going to be fine won't do a darn thing, you stupid morons. I don't respect a reply back from the second German clinic, not after over 2 weeks. I don't expect any specialist here in the Netherlands to help me get treatment in Germany. There is absolutely no hope here anymore. I've been too long out here alone in the scorching desert to go on. It's futile.
I'm going to make an appointment with my physician to discuss the option of euthanasia. Else I'll have to opt for the less desirable choice of suicide. Either way I'm through with this all. As I was lying in my moments ago, observing my desk and remembering all the plans I have had and still have and how nothing of it has worked out, how my whole life has been totally meaningless I just can't take it anymore.
This is possibly my last blog post ever. I hope you liked it so far and will perhaps once in a while think back to this life which was so promising and so futile.
So long.
Update: After one of the most terrifying moments in my life I have finally managed to somewhat calm myself down. The damage: a torn open knee where I used my nails, a bloody nose from who-knows-what, the most messiest hair in the world, a bed soaked with tears and a new-found fear for myself and respect for people who have to deal with insanity every day.
I have convinced myself at this moment to sleep and talk this over again tomorrow morning, and will definitely make an appointment with my physician as this situation I am in is absolutely critical now. I have never come this close to using the various sharp tools I have lying around on my desk and elsewhere in my room. Getting literally millimeters away from actually grabbing the boxcutter which is lying to my left at this moment and using it to disfigure for example my genital area is something I have no experienced so strongly before and quite frankly I'm terrified.
Maya
Wednesday, 28 May 2008
On The Verge Of Surrendering...
God, I'm so tired... tired of everything... of waiting, of planning, of disappointments, of trying again and again without luck... When it comes to my body I'm ready to just discard it. All it gets me is pain and suffering. Nothing about it makes sense, and nobody is interested in helping me find out what's wrong with it. Right now my tummy and chest hurt so much from me hitting it repeatedly with my fists. I don't care if I damage anything. All hope is lost anyway. I'll just get the result from Germany telling me that the first clinic was wrong after all about their interpretation of the MRI scan and then all doors will close for me again. At this point it'll be curtains.
I got a reply back from my insurer: "Your question has been forwarded to our department 'Foreign matters'. To get a better understanding of your request for help we we ask you to send us a detailed request and treatment plan from the specialist and any medical statements from Dutch physicians who support the treatment."
So that's a dead end for now. I'm left with trying to find a specialist here in the Netherlands who is willing to support my cause. I'm thinking of trying the hospital here in Almere (Flevoziekenhuis) or one in Utrecht. I've been told to avoid academic hospitals like the plague because they're too close to each other.
At this point, however, I feel too tired and weak to even think of what kind of specialist I might need. I have no hope it'll work out anyway. There's no way I can do this on my own anymore. I just want to curl up and die. So what if I'm a coward? I've had enough of this nonsense after over 3 years and more than willing to throw in the towel at this point. There's nothing but pain left in this life for me anyway.
Just forget it...
Maya
I got a reply back from my insurer: "Your question has been forwarded to our department 'Foreign matters'. To get a better understanding of your request for help we we ask you to send us a detailed request and treatment plan from the specialist and any medical statements from Dutch physicians who support the treatment."
So that's a dead end for now. I'm left with trying to find a specialist here in the Netherlands who is willing to support my cause. I'm thinking of trying the hospital here in Almere (Flevoziekenhuis) or one in Utrecht. I've been told to avoid academic hospitals like the plague because they're too close to each other.
At this point, however, I feel too tired and weak to even think of what kind of specialist I might need. I have no hope it'll work out anyway. There's no way I can do this on my own anymore. I just want to curl up and die. So what if I'm a coward? I've had enough of this nonsense after over 3 years and more than willing to throw in the towel at this point. There's nothing but pain left in this life for me anyway.
Just forget it...
Maya
Tuesday, 27 May 2008
Analysing And Waiting...
The past weeks have been both turbulent and uneventful. I've been meeting with more and more people and even gone to a concert last Saturday with a photographer friend who had to be there for his work. That concert was mostly marked by cigarette smoke, a tiny crowd and mediocre, far too loud music. The first item is the only one I can't easily deal with (requires me to dress up as a WW1 soldier), the rest is okay. God, I can't wait for July 1st when smoking in such public places is no longer allowed here in the Netherlands.
My putrid hatred against people who smoke aside (pun intended), I've had to endure quite a few emotional shocks since my last blog post. What I have come to realize, however, is that what I'm really perceiving and responding to in those cases is not something that is external, at least not primarily, but rather something which is like an echo, a reflection of my own troubled emotional world. While this may seem obvious, it takes effort to really see and understand it.
Even more tasking is to actually deal with it, which is where I'd like to touch upon the matter of people who keep nagging me to go to a psychologist. To make a psychologist, or for that matter anyone, understand exactly what I'm feeling and thinking, including the subtle feedback between me and those echos, for they do allow me to understand myself better, as though watching this troubled world in a mirror, this proposition of 'help' from an outside source purely through talking, while language is not native to my way of thinking, is ludicrous. So far only my fantastic Canadian friend (you know who you are ;) ) can somewhat match my way of thinking, which also leads to lots of hilarious situations where we say exactly the same things during brainstorming and such. If anything he'd make a better 'psychologist' for me than anyone else.
A while ago I sent an email to Privatescan.nl to ask for an estimate on when I'd hear from the German clinic on the MRI scan. So far I haven't received a reply yet. I'll probably nag them again tomorrow. My insurance company (Unive) has received an email from me as well, informing them on the matter and asking them for their assistance on getting treatment in Germany. It's been a week since that email as well. Obviously I'm feeling rather annoyed at this point, since the further progress of my medical situation fully depends on these two instances.
People have been suggesting over and over again that I can just be myself without having to worry about all this icky medical stuff, to which I can only respond by saying that if I stop worrying about this medical stuff, I have to forget my own body, as its very sight and feel is a constant reminder I can not simply discard. To do so would mean returning to early 2005 when I did indeed not worry about my body to the point where I couldn't even recognize myself in the mirror. A feat which is still barely in reach for me even at this point.
Anyway, among this chattering and drama I have found what I believe is a perfect business opportunity, which I hope to exploit starting somewhere in the next few weeks. I'll provide an update on it as soon as something gets declassified.
In other news, my new computer system has been troublesome as usual. As soon as I receive my money from Norway I'll buy a new mainboard and send this current one back. I just have to choose between AM2 and AM2+ now. I'm tempted to go with the same mainboard as in my server system, as it's been relatively trouble-free.
Also, my new site, www.mayaposch.com is largely functional at this point, with just the customization of the forum left.
Maya
My putrid hatred against people who smoke aside (pun intended), I've had to endure quite a few emotional shocks since my last blog post. What I have come to realize, however, is that what I'm really perceiving and responding to in those cases is not something that is external, at least not primarily, but rather something which is like an echo, a reflection of my own troubled emotional world. While this may seem obvious, it takes effort to really see and understand it.
Even more tasking is to actually deal with it, which is where I'd like to touch upon the matter of people who keep nagging me to go to a psychologist. To make a psychologist, or for that matter anyone, understand exactly what I'm feeling and thinking, including the subtle feedback between me and those echos, for they do allow me to understand myself better, as though watching this troubled world in a mirror, this proposition of 'help' from an outside source purely through talking, while language is not native to my way of thinking, is ludicrous. So far only my fantastic Canadian friend (you know who you are ;) ) can somewhat match my way of thinking, which also leads to lots of hilarious situations where we say exactly the same things during brainstorming and such. If anything he'd make a better 'psychologist' for me than anyone else.
A while ago I sent an email to Privatescan.nl to ask for an estimate on when I'd hear from the German clinic on the MRI scan. So far I haven't received a reply yet. I'll probably nag them again tomorrow. My insurance company (Unive) has received an email from me as well, informing them on the matter and asking them for their assistance on getting treatment in Germany. It's been a week since that email as well. Obviously I'm feeling rather annoyed at this point, since the further progress of my medical situation fully depends on these two instances.
People have been suggesting over and over again that I can just be myself without having to worry about all this icky medical stuff, to which I can only respond by saying that if I stop worrying about this medical stuff, I have to forget my own body, as its very sight and feel is a constant reminder I can not simply discard. To do so would mean returning to early 2005 when I did indeed not worry about my body to the point where I couldn't even recognize myself in the mirror. A feat which is still barely in reach for me even at this point.
Anyway, among this chattering and drama I have found what I believe is a perfect business opportunity, which I hope to exploit starting somewhere in the next few weeks. I'll provide an update on it as soon as something gets declassified.
In other news, my new computer system has been troublesome as usual. As soon as I receive my money from Norway I'll buy a new mainboard and send this current one back. I just have to choose between AM2 and AM2+ now. I'm tempted to go with the same mainboard as in my server system, as it's been relatively trouble-free.
Also, my new site, www.mayaposch.com is largely functional at this point, with just the customization of the forum left.
Maya
Sunday, 18 May 2008
Acceptance...
After a lot of thinking and some research I think I've come to a few conclusions: it is definitely possible that I have a prostate after all. I do not necessarily have to be intersexual in the most common terms. It is also possible that I don't have a vagina, but there's definitely something odd about my body, for which I hope to find an answer soon. First I have to wait for the reply from Germany, which'll at least allow me move beyond this point. If they do confirm the results of the first report, however, I will ask my insurance company whether I can receive surgery in Germany. The medical 'experts' here in the Netherlands can drop dead for all I care.
So what does this make me, then? Neither male nor female. My body seems to have lost all clues before I was even born and emotionally I feel much more comfortable just staying a really smart child like I always was. No need to deal with any icky grown-up emotional stuff which generally is silly beyond words, or plain incomprehensible. Just me, my work and friends as an optional extra.
About people urging me to receive counseling for my issues... I refuse to go to yet another psychologist in the hope that he or she may help me. Call me paranoid, but I do not believe that they can understand, let alone help me if even I can't grasp what my issues are. I might give it a whirl with the counselor I talked with before if my insurance company pays the bill. Else there's no way I'd cough up the money for it even if I had it. Why'd I have to pay to receive help for what appear to be rather serious issues? Utter stupidity.
In other news, I'm currently setting up the MayaPosch.com (and .org) site. It should be online in a rudimentary form by tomorrow. It'll contain not only my blog, but also a biography, an overview of some personal projects and a photo gallery. I hope you'll like it :)
Maya
So what does this make me, then? Neither male nor female. My body seems to have lost all clues before I was even born and emotionally I feel much more comfortable just staying a really smart child like I always was. No need to deal with any icky grown-up emotional stuff which generally is silly beyond words, or plain incomprehensible. Just me, my work and friends as an optional extra.
About people urging me to receive counseling for my issues... I refuse to go to yet another psychologist in the hope that he or she may help me. Call me paranoid, but I do not believe that they can understand, let alone help me if even I can't grasp what my issues are. I might give it a whirl with the counselor I talked with before if my insurance company pays the bill. Else there's no way I'd cough up the money for it even if I had it. Why'd I have to pay to receive help for what appear to be rather serious issues? Utter stupidity.
In other news, I'm currently setting up the MayaPosch.com (and .org) site. It should be online in a rudimentary form by tomorrow. It'll contain not only my blog, but also a biography, an overview of some personal projects and a photo gallery. I hope you'll like it :)
Maya
Saturday, 17 May 2008
The Pain In Confrontations...
Yesterday was pretty much a repeat of the day before. This time a girl I know decided it was a good idea to show her 'love' for her new boyfriend by having me and some others watch it on webcam. I didn't know how quickly I had to get away. While trying to deal with the emotional cascade which was trying to form I got a text message from a girl who I was supposed to meet in a few hours, telling me that she wasn't coming after all. The consequent wave of loneliness and such pushed me over the edge. Full-scale cascade. It took me 3 hours of sleep to recover from it, plus multiple small naps after that.
Due to all the commotion I had skipped breakfast and lunch, only eating dinner in time before I was supposed to meet another girl. We had first planned to go to a restaurant or such nearby my house, but after I had asked her to come to my place first, we stayed and talked there. This lasted pretty much from around 7 PM until 11.30 PM, at which point she went home.
We talked about pretty much everything, regarding both our lives. While it definitely was nice to talk to a person who more or less understood me, I still felt tinges of pain and sadness as I felt myself long for certain aspects of her life. This morning when I woke up I thought back to the things we talked about, certain sentences lodged itself into my brain with severe ferocity (sexuality!), causing a (smaller) emotional cascade since my mental resistance is especially weak in the morning after I wake up.
At this point I'm trying to forget and suppress everything of yesterday, lest it consumes me. If I can't manage to neutralize those harmful sentences and images by turning them into beautiful little cysts, it'd consume me. This is how I deal with such things I can't understand due to my traumas. Control, suppress, push away. Until it comes back to me during an emotional cascade.
And apparently I'm just acting:
<&Kirsty> but maya, with you, you always have to be center of attention
<&Kirsty> its not just attention.
<&Kirsty> you have to be THERE
<&Kirsty> right in the middle
because I feel I'm alone otherwise
<&Kirsty> if someone has a problem
<&Kirsty> you're always like
<&Kirsty> "well mines worse"
<&Kirsty> you dont know how bad some people have it out there.
I know I've got issues, don't have to rub it in
<@zOmbie> trying to get sympathy from ircers is lame
<@zOmbie> :/
<&Kirsty> you haveit good compaired to some
<&Kirsty> so dont even start.
Whatever. Screw everyone of you. I'm done with this. I've been lying all along. I don't have any traumas or such. I'm a really good faker, to the point where I had even myself completely fooled. Sorry for messing with all of your minds. I'll go off myself now to cleanse this embarrassing revelation with my own blood or something since I'm supposed to be an attention whore.
I know what happened back when I tried to keep everything cropped up inside me, not telling everyone but a select few about my pains and troubles, feeling alone whenever someone talked to me like I was just a normal girl. I got pretty close to snapping back then. It was a friend who saw this and made me just tell everyone which saved my life, pretty much. Now I'm being told to just shut up and go back to my previous withdrawn stage. I love people. They always feel personally insulted when I mention my uncertainties at their, or just attention in general. I crave attention and yet I loathe it...
Just drop dead already...
Maya
Due to all the commotion I had skipped breakfast and lunch, only eating dinner in time before I was supposed to meet another girl. We had first planned to go to a restaurant or such nearby my house, but after I had asked her to come to my place first, we stayed and talked there. This lasted pretty much from around 7 PM until 11.30 PM, at which point she went home.
We talked about pretty much everything, regarding both our lives. While it definitely was nice to talk to a person who more or less understood me, I still felt tinges of pain and sadness as I felt myself long for certain aspects of her life. This morning when I woke up I thought back to the things we talked about, certain sentences lodged itself into my brain with severe ferocity (sexuality!), causing a (smaller) emotional cascade since my mental resistance is especially weak in the morning after I wake up.
At this point I'm trying to forget and suppress everything of yesterday, lest it consumes me. If I can't manage to neutralize those harmful sentences and images by turning them into beautiful little cysts, it'd consume me. This is how I deal with such things I can't understand due to my traumas. Control, suppress, push away. Until it comes back to me during an emotional cascade.
And apparently I'm just acting:
<&Kirsty> but maya, with you, you always have to be center of attention
<&Kirsty> its not just attention.
<&Kirsty> you have to be THERE
<&Kirsty> right in the middle
<&Kirsty> if someone has a problem
<&Kirsty> you're always like
<&Kirsty> "well mines worse"
<&Kirsty> you dont know how bad some people have it out there.
<@zOmbie> trying to get sympathy from ircers is lame
<@zOmbie> :/
<&Kirsty> you haveit good compaired to some
<&Kirsty> so dont even start.
Whatever. Screw everyone of you. I'm done with this. I've been lying all along. I don't have any traumas or such. I'm a really good faker, to the point where I had even myself completely fooled. Sorry for messing with all of your minds. I'll go off myself now to cleanse this embarrassing revelation with my own blood or something since I'm supposed to be an attention whore.
I know what happened back when I tried to keep everything cropped up inside me, not telling everyone but a select few about my pains and troubles, feeling alone whenever someone talked to me like I was just a normal girl. I got pretty close to snapping back then. It was a friend who saw this and made me just tell everyone which saved my life, pretty much. Now I'm being told to just shut up and go back to my previous withdrawn stage. I love people. They always feel personally insulted when I mention my uncertainties at their, or just attention in general. I crave attention and yet I loathe it...
Just drop dead already...
Maya
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