Change For The Sake Of Change?

Some updates on the magazine interview bit: the photographer will be visiting me at home next Wednesday for a photoshoot of about an hour, joined by a cosmetician, which is a big relief to me as it'll mean that I'll look close to as pretty as I can :) I guess I could have asked the photographer about the setup and such, but it's also kind of fun to keep it as a surprise. I'm already relieved that the photographer will be a woman. I notice that I feel far less defensive when I'm with a woman than with a man.

Today the guy from the IMK arrived for our appointment this morning. In short, he was here to gather data, but also to help me get the most out of the process by assisting me in answering questions, calculating certain financial balances and such. He seemed fairly impressed by what Trevor and I have accomplished so far, including the first game of which I showed a sample. He'll prepare a report which will be submitted as a recommendation in 2-3 weeks time. I'll receive a phone call from him when it is ready. I should hear whether my request for income support was accepted or not shortly after.

If I get accepted I'll have to face some serious choices and changes. For the first time in a long time I'll have no financial issues, with the option and the expectations from my environment to start living on my own. I could be living in my own place in a few months from now. I have been working towards this even before I started living here in Almere, yet now that it's possibly about to become a reality I feel a lot of conflicting emotions.

Of course I don't want to be dependent on others, no more than necessary at least. I feel quite bad for the burden I have and still place on Pieter. Yet I feel so frightened at the thought of taking this big step, of living alone for the first time. I'm reminded of the days I spent in my apartment in Canada over a year ago. I felt so cut off from everything, and if I think about it, other than Pieter I hardly know anyone here in Almere. What if I can't seem to make more friends, what if I'll find myself just locked up in my place, getting less contact with others than now simply because Pieter keeps dragging me along to places and such?

Perhaps I'm just too tired and jaded to think about such things at the moment. I have been suffering from sharp, stabbing pains around my temples and back of my head for two days now. I have noticed that they intensify with stress, like if I hear something sensitive to me. Right now I feel incredibly worn out and I hardly feel them. At any rate it's an almost burning sensation, with the skin around the area becoming really sensitive too, which is downright impossible to ignore. It's probably just due to stress, with the increase in preparation for the IMK appointment today. Scary thing is that it would show how close I am to becoming virtually incapacitated due to stress at this point.

In happier news, I began work on a new file format and parser system for the hardware simulator yesterday to replace the Xerces XML library and XML format files I was going to use. This new format and parser are fully designed for the intermediate format the simulator uses, and so far it has been a breeze to work with. One thing I learned the past few days is that the key to easy parsing is to have the proper structure in the format you're parsing. If you have a text file with just data in it separated by spaces and such, there isn't really anything to give it structure, to indicate sections and what might be tags or similar and what might be data.

I decided to use an XML-like format as it makes sense to use tags, I only made the tags a lot more compact. Essentially a tag is formed like this: [tag:data] which is quite basic. The tag defines what it is for, the data (a single string) defines what it contains. It is easily parseable using standard C++ string handling methods and so far has taken me about 5-6 hours to set up the parser and get it to the point where it loads parsed data into target data structures for use in the application. Compared to the tens of hours I spent on Xerces, especially due to the lack of documentation, it has really been a pleasure so far.

I hope that the rest of the simulator will be as cooperative. I have to finish bits of the simulation routines, which will take another day or two. After that it's time for debugging and testing. I still need to determine the exact testing procedure. I want to use a system which will only run the simulator application and run both Lilium and the competitor's application to test scaling when the workload is increased. As I pointed out before I'm not sure the system I intend to use for it will perform as intended, which would pose a big problem. At any rate the IMK appointment today has made is clear to me that Lilium will be a big part of Nyanko's strategy the coming years.


Maya

Busy-ness

After communicating to and from with the journalist I now know that the article on me will appear in the Grazia magazine (www.grazia.nl). The interview will be performed on the 27th of August, with the photographer making an appointment with me for a photoshoot probably before then. I don't have a publishing date yet. I somewhat hope that this article will appear in more magazines and will draw a lot of attention.

Yesterday I got a phonecall from a guy at the IMK (www.imk.nl), who will drop by this week (Friday) to check up on the viability of my company and whether I qualify for the Bbz welfare money. He seemed mostly intent on helping me get things in order than to merely criticize, which was really nice and somewhat unexpected. I hope to ace the check coming Friday. After that it'll still take a month or so before I'll actually get the money (starting from June), but I have the option of asking for an initial amount.

Today I have been mostly working on the Lilium hardware simulator, particularly implementing the Xerces C++ XML library. I hope to have the first demo (demo 1) up and running by the end of next week. Pieter will be helping me with some details as he's the expert on the requirements, and also a really nice guy :) It'll take a lot of testing to figure out the bottlenecks and most importantly scaling factors for the software itself, but also between Lilium and the competitor's software, ModelSim. I can't wait to start on the next Lilium builds :)

In completely unrelated news *wink*, I could use a geForce 8 (8800 GT+) or better videocard for testing purposes in this new crash box I'm setting up. So far it has an Athlon X2 4450e, 4 GB RAM and a built-in nForce 6150 IGP. Can't run PhysX and CUDA, in short. I'm also hoping I don't encounter any of the oddities I had before with this system (mainboard?) with the sound stuttering and the CPU always being at 50% load (1 core 100%). I'd hate to have to shell out for another AM2+ mainboard as well. Perhaps someone has the aforementioned videocard and an AM2+ board gathering dust...? :D

Tomorrow I'll be working a lot more on Lilium to finish the XML implementation and the simulation code so that I can start on the debugging phase. Friday there's the IMK review which starts at 10 AM and will probably last a few hours. I hope to start debugging that same day.

I'll also be working tomorrow on the resources for the first game Nyanko will release. The game is called 'Even Cats Dream' and is a kind of 3D puzzle game from a first-person perspective with a heavy focus on physics puzzles. Within two weeks we hope to begin beta-testing combined with the production of its levels using the level editor which is being worked on by Trevor at the moment. We'll be asking a few people to help us make those levels while beta testing the game simultaneously. It's going to be fun :) With a bit of luck we'll be releasing the game next month as planned.

Finally, this coming weekend I should be finishing the site I promised to make for Jan, many months ago. Sorry for taking so long, Jan :(

Another thing this weekend will be the lack of swimming on Sunday as a guy is coming over from Belgium to pick up the arcade cabinet I talked about before. Pieter will be glad to be rid of it so that he can stuff a table (my future dinner table ;) ) into the place the cabinet is taking up at the moment. That way he has enough space in one room to fit his new organ in, some time in September. Thanks to Pieter's not-so-housebroken dogs, he can't put the organ downstairs in the living room :P

Alright, back to contemplating whether I shall take a sleeping pill today or not...


Maya

Working My Way Up

Today I went to the gym again after a week not having been there. Can't really say much about it other than that for some reason my hips were killing me during the first few minutes of cardio (cross trainer). Seems to be fine now. I chatted a bit more with the two girls who work there. They had checked my site after I had given the address last week, but other than informing with me when I'll appear on TV again they seemed intent on keeping their distance. I'm not sure why, but I think I'll just leave matters at this for now. In other news, the woman I would often go to the gym with together hasn't shown a sign of life other than a few updates on her Hyves profile, so I guess we won't be doing joint exercises any time soon. Kind of disappointing, as I quite liked her as a gym partner and as someone to chat with.

After returning home from the gym I first had lunch, followed by a shower. For some reason I began to feel really nauseous and weak during the shower up to the point where I nearly fainted. I did manage to finish the shower and took a nap immediately afterwards. I woke up at around 5.30 PM, shortly before Pieter returned from his work.

When I turned on my PC after the nap I noticed a new email message, which turned out to be from Lydia van der Weide (http://www.lydiavanderweide.nl/), a journalist and sister of the man who did the TV interview two weeks ago. She would like to interview me for an article which will be published in one or more magazines. We discussed a few details today and I'll soon hear more from her.

I find it to be kind of heartening to hear that my story and my struggle to get more attention for intersexuality is receiving the attention I feel it so deserves. At any rate it's a nice thing to tide me over until my appointment at the UMCG next month. It's really tough to live in a continuing state of uncertainty and in the realization that few, if any, people truly care about what happens to me. Let's just say that the selfishness of people isn't just real, it's legendary. It's why it only pays to focus on the <1% who actually do care.


Maya

It Hurts So Much...

Just had another friend added to my friend list on Facebook. While looking at her pictures, I saw some daring, beautiful poses, and immediately I could feel this sickening feeling inside me. About things I'll never have, things I'll never be, things which are taken from me forever due to this stupid body. I feel ugly, freakish, a fraud and unworthy of filthying up this world with my presence any longer.

Please... I don't want this body...


Maya

Clarifying Matters

First I'd like to clarify some things I said in my previous blog post. Mostly I may have given the impression that I'm going to quit with my current therapists, but I have no intention of actually doing so, it's just one of the semi-random urges I feel lately. When stressed I really want to withdraw into myself and deny anyone, even those who may want to help me. During the 15 years that I was fully withdrawn even my own mother couldn't get close to me. I wouldn't even let her touch me. I understand that if I want to get help, I'll have to push through this strong desire.

Further, I looked at the link Cailin Coilleach provided in his comment to two blog posts ago, namely the one to an article at Wikipedia on Conversion Disorder, or conversiestoornis as it's called in Dutch. Link to English article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conversion_disorder. The English article also provides more information than the Dutch article. I found particularly the items on the assuming of weird postures (like a strongly curved back) and difficulty with controlling one's limbs very interesting.

From reading the article it does appear to be a match and explanation for many symptoms I have had even as a child, including the loss of much of sensory sensitivity (auditory, olfactory, touch, etc.), things I only became aware of after they were (partially) reverted. Even to this day I still have many times when I can not smell anything but the most strongest smells whereas at other times even the most delicate smell doesn't remain undetected by me. I have linked this to stress before, but this is the first full explanation which could account for it.

It would also explain the time when I lost control over my body and could only lie literally paralysed on the floor while being painfully aware of everything including my own (hysterical) laughter. I guess that one event alone is already a very strong indication that this may indeed be a case of conversion disorder. As noted in the Wikipedia article: "Conversion disorder is a condition where patients present with neurological symptoms such as numbness, paralysis, or fits, but where positive physical signs of hysteria can be found. It is thought that these problems arise in response to difficulties in the patient's life, and conversion is considered a psychiatric disorder [..]".

Or, to put it into really basic terms: the stress is getting to me. It builds up to a point where it can no longer be contained and is expressed in physical behaviour which is generally deemed 'hysterical'. I do not believe I would need to explain the most probable cause(s) for this stress.

This morning I once more found how I'm creating my own hell. After a few hours at the pool I really was spent emotionally, even though I did have had a good night's sleep. Almost every time I saw or heard about a couple, family, parent with child I began to feel very sick, with a severe, sharp headache and a sensation of despair. I even began to feel this way when Pieter was on the phone earlier, talking about an upcoming wedding of a friend of his. I just left the room and began to do laundry. When he asked afterwards whether I was okay, I answered negatively and I explained it to him. I honestly do not think that anyone who hasn't felt anything like this can understand the pain it brings with it. The interactions between men and women in relationships plus sexuality in general are considered to be pleasant, yet I do not remotely see them like that, more as a kind of torture methods.

Why do I think like this? How can I make it stop? How can I keep those flashbacks from occurring? Why does everything have to come back to me even during casual conversations? I really don't know... I just know that it makes my life into an excruciating hell at times.

I expect that a quick resolution of the medical issues I'm dealing with will help greatly with those psychological problems, which is why I have even emailed professor Weijmar Schultz of the UMCG on moving the appointment forward. I do not expect a reply, though.

People have asked me why I seem to expect the UMCG to either confirm Germany or the VUMC when it comes to the MRI reports, and why I deem Germany to be correct. I believe that my reasoning in the two reports I put on my site is sound enough on why I believe Germany's reports to be the most likely correct. As the only two general points of views on the MRI images seem to center on 'hermaphrodite' vs 'nothing remarkable' it seems likely that the UMCG will pick either one of them, and if it's the former point of view, it adheres to the only two reports which are technically sound, and thus it would be something I can go along with. If it's the latter point of view, there'd be a lot of questions I would want to ask the radiologist in question.

In response to the comments to my earlier blog post, I won't be discussing this matter any time soon on any forum I frequent (mostly HardForums.com now), as I realize the futility of doing so. I'll also gladly accept any thoughts on how to separate my business and personal identity.


Maya

Flashbacks

This week so far has been a downright nightmare. First there was the promise from a friend that he would show an MRI image of mine to a friend who is studying gynaecology which I then spent a few days worrying about only to there not being any word from that guy yet.

Secondly there was that whole Tweakers forum massacre. The first two days when I resumed posting there were quite pleasant, with people at least expressing their sympathy for my unfortunate situation. Then the trolls came, with even people who I had met last year in real life saying downright horrible things about me, things they would never have said to my face. I quit going there now, but for a few days I would keep visiting that place full of trepidation, only to keep having my worst fears confirmed.

Many people accused me on that forum of being unable to listen to or consider the opinions of others, but if anything I listen too much to others, much like my mother. Coming up for myself is something I had to learn the past few years, but even today I'm still extremely sensitive to criticism. Certain posts and things said on the Tweakers forum made me feel absolutely miserable, or pretty much convinced that there is indeed something wrong with me. I began to look differently at myself, even collapsed emotionally a few times during which I found myself disgusted by this twisted... thing that is my body. Let's just say that it's a good thing there aren't many sharp objects within reach from my bed. Just punching and scratching myself is bad enough already.

Yesterday night I really crashed. I found myself exploring the brief span of my existence, the short blip that I'll exist unless I happen to become immortal or so (currently in progress...), and how futile it all really is. With my birthday on September 4th (26) I'll be one year closer to becoming 30, a prospect which fills me with absolute dread. I realized this morning again how I find virtually no joy in any aspect of being alive. Aside from scientific or technological undertakings everything is ruined and painful and despicable.

The flashbacks I suffer from due to my multiple PTSD are getting particularly bad lately. This morning I had to suffer through about 4 hours of them before things subsided somewhat and I managed to get out of my bed. These flashbacks are mostly related to sexuality, relationships and medical things. By now I'm thoroughly sick of anything to do with men, women, sexuality, psychologists/psychiatrists and doctors/specialists. I do not want to watch any more movies, especially not when I began to feel horrible during the new Harry Potter movie when I went to watch it with Pieter on Thursday.

I'm thinking of cancelling my appointment with therapist Inge Wingbermuhle. I also don't see the point of sending more dreams I write down to Engel Vrouwe. I'll go to the UMCG the 21st if I am still sane by then, but I can only see things going downhill from here. There's nothing to feel joyous about, nothing to excite, nothing to make me feel anything other than sad, indifferent, angry, frustrated and miserable in any combination.

I won't be closing or wiping this blog, if only because it would provide a detailed story of my last moments of sanity and I wouldn't want to leave the few friends I have behind without them knowing at least what happened to me. The trolls who love to make fun of my life and already think I'm insane can go die in a fire for all I care, or prepare to get stabbed to death by bleeding if I ever meet them in real life again.


Maya

Forget It...

A few days ago I got back on the Tweakers.net forum to resume posting in an old thread of mine there. Starting yesterday it erupted again in a orgy of people accusing me of lying, of being insane, of being just a crazy guy, of not being able to accept that I'm transsexual, and so on.

You know what? I'm really, absolutely not out to prove anything here. I just want to know what in the world my body is about, as it is clearly neither male nor female. There are some theories out there which fit the available (physical) evidence better than others, and those I will of course gravitate to.

But really... what is it that I feel after reading the last string of posts in that Tweakers.net forum topic? Mostly a sense of despair, of wanting to give up, of wondering whether I really am crazy and others the sane ones.

Above all I would like to shut down my site, erase the Youtube video, wipe my blog and... I don't know. It's clear at least that I don't have to expect anything from anyone at this point.

Still a month until my next appointments... like it matters. I don't give a damn about what I am or am not right now. All I feel is this pain inside, and frustration... @#$#$%#$

Everyone can just drop dead for all I care, and this body of mine should die with it. I hate it. I hate everything. This will be my last post on this blog. I'll probably wipe it soon anyway.