It's often said that it's not your body that matters, but your mind. That it is your mind which is all that is 'you'. However, I would argue that your body and especially one's body image can have a massive impact on one's overall mental development and health.
For me it's something that is very apparent and confronting every time that I have to undress myself, such as when taking a shower or preparing for bed. Removing the layers of clothing to reveal the body underneath which has coloured so much of my past experiences. Which still determines a lot of how I experience the world today.
The problematic part for me was having been assigned a male gender at birth. This led to a whole range of behavioural expectations and assumptions. It also led to me seeing my body as being 'male'. When during puberty this all turned out to be incorrect when my body's chimeric intersex nature asserted itself, an identity crisis ensued.
For years I literally couldn't see myself in a mirror. Seemingly the ability of the mind to project a body image is so strong that it makes any kind of objective assessment of what one sees in a reflection of one's body impossible. This got rather uncomfortable when my environment had determined that I looked like an attractive woman, while my concept of a body image would have made Picasso proud. What did I even look like? The childhood impression of me being 'male' had distorted everything.
Over the years, this distortion has lessened. There are days when I can see myself in a reflection. I think. I can see that my body is absolutely that of a woman, with just the oddity of my unusual genital configuration. Of course it was easy to perceive my body as 'male', because if you first look at the visible genitals, then the rest of the body simply has to match those. Male genitals with a male body. Female genitals with a female body.
And sometimes you get male and female genitals with a female body. It's just how biology works. Society's insistence on me being 'male' probably did a lot of harm there, creating the distorted self-image and then doubling down on its claims with false medical claims and incorrect 'test results'. I still don't know exactly how my body works, and why my puberty took so long to complete.
What I have learned from all of this is how important it is to learn to see your real body. Not whatever body image your mind is projecting over it, but the body that your eyes perceive when you stand in front of a mirror. It is essential that you accept this as your body image, to erase any distortions and misconceptions.
Of course, all of that doesn't take away the fact that society still hasn't changed from when it forced me look at my body as simply male. Instead of an apology, all I got was the degradation from personhood to a 'disorder' (DSD) or 'rare disease', on account of my intersex condition. They weren't wrong, the problem is with me, apparently.
The most horrible thing was probably the repeated offering of 'fixing' my body by intersex genital mutilation (IGM), which is the 'correcting' of genitals that do not follow a strict binary pattern (male/female). This along with the erasing of my body's identity and features to make it appear purely female. I'm still figuring out all the reasons why this is such a horrid procedure.
The 'wrong body' that I grew up in was this identity that I had been assigned, and which got forced on me over and over. Through official documents and communications. By doctors and psychologists. And as I learned earlier this year during a few doctor's visits, my body is simply more 'wrong' now that I have rejected society's views on what my body should be like.
It's really hard not to feel bitter about this. But I think it is important to realise that in the end, my body is not wrong. My body is simply what it is, and it has kept me alive and healthy for all these years. It's a reliable tool that I feel I owe it to keep taking care of it. It has no will or mind of its own, but is subject to the whims of the brain inside it, as well as what its environment inflicts upon it.
I think this is a good body. I'd like to keep it. Yet the same cannot be said of its environment, and society in particular. A society which is so hostile to and intolerant of anything that does not fit into its narrow-minded view of what is 'acceptable'. A society that abhors diversity and prefers ideology over biology.
It's likely that the only way that I could have stayed a part of society would have been by embracing the pseudo-scientific system of binarism and trans-binarism. Accept the surgeries to 'correct' my genitals. Forget that I was ever more than 'just a woman'. Forget about this 'intersex' thing.
Full erasure.
Welcome to the Binary.
Maya
3 comments:
Hi there, we met a long time ago online... I used to be a fansubber. We talked for quite a bit... around that time, I believe you were near the beginning of your journey. And I imagine it has been a challenging one. As I was clearing up my links, I happened across your bookmarked blog and here I am. I just wanted to offer a few comments:
1) You have endured, alone, far more than what many people likely encounter in an entire lifetime. Your perseverance is inspiring.
2) Society does not exist to benefit any individual human being... I feel it's an entity borne of the aggregate of human beings' basic desire to feel a sense of belonging. It's extremely unfortunate how something with such pure intentions, with its rules and structure meant to reinforce and protect, devolve into a construct that begets bigoted moral indignance. Truth only exists within the field of mathematics (and now, arguably computer code). 1 + 1 will always be 2 if we are operating in Base 10. One society's assertion of binary gender can be refuted by another society's assertion of multiplicity of genders. Western society is (slowly) transitioning towards the recognition of transgendered experience; some Native American cultures speak to "two-spirited" existence. While their origins are different, they seem to assert a similar message -- "an individual's gender may seem 'confusing' when their self-concept does not resonate with their external, biological appearance... that remains a possibility; your confusion does not justify annulment of this fact." The concept of "binary gender", I feel, will only ever be one explanation; it cannot be elevated to the status of "truth". In fact, as you have so eloquently stated, your very existence refutes the concept of binary gender!
Continued...
3) I would like to reply to the end of your post:
"It's likely that the only way that I could have stayed a part of society would have been by embracing the pseudo-scientific system of binarism and trans-binarism. Accept the surgeries to 'correct' my genitals. Forget that I was ever more than 'just a woman'. Forget about this 'intersex' thing.
Full erasure.
Welcome to the Binary."
In order to "belong" to a group, you need to understand and abide by a group's rules, values, and expectations. In order to assert their own existence, those rules, values, and expectations must be defended as if they were "truth"... but the unspoken reality is that these constitute "belief", and one of the prerequisites of "belonging" is to "accept the system of belief, integrate it into my own self-concept and self-experience, and to make the personal choice to elevate the system of belief to truth for me".
From birth, a role has been forced upon you, and as you said, it resulted in much distortion... likely your Self rebelling against trying to be shoved into a square-shaped hole when you're actually Play-doh (or something like that). Yeah, you fit through the hole... but that doesn't mean you're a square. You fit through the circle-shaped hole, too. And the triangle-shaped hole. And maybe there are other holes that you can fit through... but at the end of the day, maybe you don't want to have to fit into any holes. Maybe you want to simply be Play-doh.
Sometimes, certain individuals' "default existence" cannot be confined even by society's rules. Many aspects of these individuals' existence, because they are not "common", "mainstream", or "expected", may become targets of discriminatory and/or defensive reactions. Perhaps it's not "you're wrong", but "your existence refutes the world as I know it and I find it highly uncomfortable; I would prefer that you did not exist so that I may retain my worldview and thus remain comfortable". Once you bracket yourself to benefit others, you run the risk of losing that part of yourself forever... and on the old hand, consider the paradox of Theseus' ship -- even if you were to replace a part here or there, or to perform imperfect repairs, so as long as you recognize it as "yours", that it shall remain. The wonderful thing about Identity as it is reflexively connected to Self-Concept is... you remain the solitary arbiter, and what you choose BECOMES your truth. Society cannot compel you to do anything -- if you choose to submit, it is simply because you choose to relinquish control and abide by external influences or prerogatives. The choice is subtle, but if you see it... it becomes empowering. Your journey thus far reflects the power of this simple choice.
(Last one!)
Your story is yours to tell (heh, here we are talking about it, obviously)... and if you choose to abide by the Binary, I hope that choice brings you peace; if it doesn't, I hope you continue to go through your process to make peace. I just feel that it would be a crime for others who don't know you to see only the effects of that choice, to not enquire further, to lose out on the opportunity to learn and grow from your story. And on the other side of that same coin, your experience is your own; your reality is your own; it should not have to be explained to justify its existence as a possibility amongst the nigh infinite possibilities.
As a final thought, I implore you to consider the middle ground. I empathize with your struggles as you strive to attain acceptance for your existence -- for the essence of who you wish to be; with that yearning for your Self to be recognized and accepted. This is a difficult process to articulate... and an equally difficult process to receive and appreciate, especially for someone whose perspective is, as you previously shared, narrow in scope, whether through personal choice, lack of exposure, or some other reason. In my opinion, the most important factor to consider is whom DESERVES the opportunity to engage in the conversation. We should not feel compelled to justify our existence, even if our very existence offends others' sensibilities; we can simply recognize it as such, express our condolences, and continue to move forward, agreeing to disagree.
"Excuse me, you didn't check off the box for gender."
'That is my response; neither of those choices correspond to me.'
"I don't understand. You have to check off one of the boxes."
'Is that field mandatory? I can offer not applicable or other as a compromise.'
"Why don't you just check one of them off."
'I gave you my answer. Neither of those choices correspond to me. I can offer not applicable or other as a compromise. If you feel that one of those boxes MUST be checked off, I understand. I'll leave it up to you to decide whether to continue processing this document without what you're looking for or to end the process now.'
Or you could check off a box, recognizing that as a practical choice because even if you may enlighten and forever transform the employee after taking the time to share your perspective, they may lack the agency to help you get things done the way you would like them to be done. Sometimes those boxes really are mandatory. My father, when he immigrated to Canada, reported an age 5 years younger so he could apply for entry under a different class -- the consequence of his choice is getting his Old Age Pension five years after he's actually entitled to it, and at least 30 years worth of writing down a fake birth date. My grandmother did the same thing, only she faced more dire circumstances -- when she was admitted to hospital (and later, hospices) for cancer-related complications, it became imperative for the medical professionals to know her true birth date, as age affects their diagnostical processes. She informed them of her true birth date... and until fairly recently, when she was still with us, the province within which we live had a medical file in her name with the real information... this account is not linked to her federal account. And her federal account does not list her true place of birth, nor does it list her birthday on the Lunar Calendar, the only one that truly matters for her.
Truth is what you make of things; your story becomes your truth. You also choose who gets to hear your story, and how much of the story they get to hear.
Thank you for sharing your story with me.
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