To those following me it's hardly a surprise that I do not much like this country I was born and raised in. Yet despite everything there are enough people who keep telling me that I am essentially not allowed to hate the Netherlands and everything it stands for. Their reasoning is more or less that with all the bad that this country has inflicted upon me, there are still so many good things, and that I should be grateful that I grew up in a rich Western country like this.
Of course, that reasoning is about as sensible as telling a woman who is constantly being beaten and sexually assaulted by her alcoholic and aggressive husband that there's also a lot of good about him, because he always does the dishes, takes the garbage outside and picks up the children from the daycare. Some things just can not be overlooked. A country which is guilty of just one major lapse in morality does not deserve it to be praised, much like in a relationship there's a lot you take of the other person, but physical and psychological abuse are some of the lines which should never be crossed.
To summarize my relationship with my country, I have been exposed to brainwashing by Dutch psychologists and physicians who knowingly and willingly ignored my intersex condition and attempted to make me believe that I had to be just a confused transgender boy. Two letters to the Dutch Queen didn't receive any personal attention. The first got forwarded to the current Dutch Minister of Health, who dismissed my case, insisting that the Dutch physicians 'know best'. On top of that the Dutch police force saw it fit to violently arrest me despite me offering no resistance after a Dutch family doctor called them upon me, and detain me for an entire night under inhumane conditions, while denying me needed medical and psychological care.
But hey, at least I get to grow up strong and healthy in a wealthy country, right? Even if I have to launch lawsuit after lawsuit to fight for my basic rights, as physicians and my insurance company alike discriminate against me. I can feel totally safe here, right? Even if I suffer severe psychological and physical trauma due to the actions of health specialists and friendly police officers.
I do wonder what the good points are again about this country, and why I am not allowed to just outright denounce it as a horrible place to live if you're not white, rich, male and preferably Christian. Not to mention for homosexuals, transgenders and the even larger group of intersex individuals. All of us have our basic human rights trampled. But it's still an awesome place to live in. Better than in a less wealthy country. Even though the education system, healthcare system, infrastructure and general economy in the Netherlands are crumbling a bit more every day.
I'm sorry, I must admit that I live in a very different side of reality in which the Netherlands is not a pleasant country to live in. I guess that's the point of Calvinism, which underlies Dutch culture. Be white, rich, male and Christian and you're awesome. Otherwise you may as well get out while you're ahead.
I, too, want to leave the Netherlands. Preferably before the end of 2014, to stay realistic. Around 150,000 individuals left the Netherlands forever in 2012, and I intend to join them. To go where, though? I'm not entirely sure.
There are so many countries out there which have varying degrees of 'pleasantness' when it comes to embracing intersex individuals. I have looked at places like Canada, USA, Norway, Australia, South-Korea, Japan, China, New Zealand, and many more. They all have their advantages and disadvantages. At this point I'd say that it's a pretty illusive choice to make. Secretly I hope for something or someone to help me with making this choice. Maybe through my media attention which should be spreading world-wide this year, I hope. Maybe due to a relationship I'll suddenly find myself in with a 'foreigner'. Maybe due to something I can not possibly foresee at this point.
At any rate I do really hope, wish and pray for that one country and place which I can actually come to like if not love.
Maya
Showing posts with label australia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label australia. Show all posts
Sunday, 5 May 2013
Friday, 15 July 2011
Open Invitation To Join The Revolution
Dear Sir/Madam/Other,
We are all aware of the inequality and oppression in this world. Most recently people in Middle-Eastern and North-African countries rose up against the dictators who had made their lives miserable. Some of those dictators have or had been in power for over twenty years. This is the most visible kind of oppression, where an entire population aside from a very small elite suffers, and even then it took so long for anything to happen. What it took was for a Tunisian man to set himself on fire out of protest in the capital city.
When I was born, in 1983, most of those dictators were already in place and I never knew these countries as anything other than poor dictatorships. I am now twenty-seven years old, twenty-eight in a few months, and it has taken those countries that long to realize that a revolution was necessary. Similarly, it has taken me this long to realize that another revolution is required as well. Much like how the people of Tunisia, Egypt, Syria, Libya and the others fought or are still fighting for personal freedoms and basic human rights, there is a world-wide group of people who are being systematically discriminated against and persecuted. These are those who do not fit into what's 'normal' and 'regular', particularly when it comes to sexual diversity.
Intersexual people like me are suffering the brunt of this, with it not being recognized by the governments of many countries and the United Nations (UNHCR) not recognizing intersex either, including not as a reason for assigning refugee status when these people are being persecuted and wish to request asylum in another country. Not that there is a safe place to flee to, though, as I found out when I tried to do so. Australia is one of the more liberal-minded countries when it comes to this subject, but even it doesn't fully recognize it or offer medical treatment. Many intersexuals still opt to undergo sex re-assignment surgery to become a 'regular' man or woman, or their parents opt to have surgery performed shortly after birth. In fact many transsexuals are actually intersexual people who have been mutilated like this after birth and feel that the wrong decision was made.
My story started seven years ago when I began an adventure which as it later turned out was actually a war. The subject of this war: intersexuality. The victim of this war: me, with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder and various other traumatic disorders and physical injuries. The cause? A complete refusal by the Dutch government, medical specialists and psychologists to even acknowledge the existence of intersexuality, let alone consider the option that I might be intersex, as well as the use of force when I refused to play along.
After even having been put shortly into jail and suffering abuse at the hand of Dutch police I decided at first that I would leave this country, until I found out about the above issues. There is no place to flee to, basically. This is why I decided to start my own revolution; by giving up on trying to escape and instead facing the problem head-on. I believe that one should stand up and fight for what they believe in. What I believe in is that intersexual people should be given full humanitarian protection, full human rights, recognition by every government and medical instance and that treatment should be both available and covered by insurance.
My only crime was to be born like this, why should I suffer for it? Why should anyone suffer for being born different? Why do I not have the right to be recognized for what I physically am? To get a diagnosis and peace of mind since intersex conditions often have an increased cancer risk? Why are billions spent on fertility treatments each year, usually fully covered, despite this putting a burden on society, while 'non-regular' people are denied even the most basic medical needs for their condition?
I invite not only intersexual people to join this revolution, but also transsexual people, who are being persecuted and discriminated against around the world as well, as well as homosexual people, of whom even in Amsterdam each year over a thousand are beaten up for being what they are, and further anyone who believes in justice and equality for everyone. This is my final stand. There is nowhere to go from here but through the oppression.
Everyone is invited to the revolution.
Maya Posch
www.mayaposch.com
Sign the petition at http://www.change.org/petitions/get-humanitarian-protection-for-intersex-people
We are all aware of the inequality and oppression in this world. Most recently people in Middle-Eastern and North-African countries rose up against the dictators who had made their lives miserable. Some of those dictators have or had been in power for over twenty years. This is the most visible kind of oppression, where an entire population aside from a very small elite suffers, and even then it took so long for anything to happen. What it took was for a Tunisian man to set himself on fire out of protest in the capital city.
When I was born, in 1983, most of those dictators were already in place and I never knew these countries as anything other than poor dictatorships. I am now twenty-seven years old, twenty-eight in a few months, and it has taken those countries that long to realize that a revolution was necessary. Similarly, it has taken me this long to realize that another revolution is required as well. Much like how the people of Tunisia, Egypt, Syria, Libya and the others fought or are still fighting for personal freedoms and basic human rights, there is a world-wide group of people who are being systematically discriminated against and persecuted. These are those who do not fit into what's 'normal' and 'regular', particularly when it comes to sexual diversity.
Intersexual people like me are suffering the brunt of this, with it not being recognized by the governments of many countries and the United Nations (UNHCR) not recognizing intersex either, including not as a reason for assigning refugee status when these people are being persecuted and wish to request asylum in another country. Not that there is a safe place to flee to, though, as I found out when I tried to do so. Australia is one of the more liberal-minded countries when it comes to this subject, but even it doesn't fully recognize it or offer medical treatment. Many intersexuals still opt to undergo sex re-assignment surgery to become a 'regular' man or woman, or their parents opt to have surgery performed shortly after birth. In fact many transsexuals are actually intersexual people who have been mutilated like this after birth and feel that the wrong decision was made.
My story started seven years ago when I began an adventure which as it later turned out was actually a war. The subject of this war: intersexuality. The victim of this war: me, with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder and various other traumatic disorders and physical injuries. The cause? A complete refusal by the Dutch government, medical specialists and psychologists to even acknowledge the existence of intersexuality, let alone consider the option that I might be intersex, as well as the use of force when I refused to play along.
After even having been put shortly into jail and suffering abuse at the hand of Dutch police I decided at first that I would leave this country, until I found out about the above issues. There is no place to flee to, basically. This is why I decided to start my own revolution; by giving up on trying to escape and instead facing the problem head-on. I believe that one should stand up and fight for what they believe in. What I believe in is that intersexual people should be given full humanitarian protection, full human rights, recognition by every government and medical instance and that treatment should be both available and covered by insurance.
My only crime was to be born like this, why should I suffer for it? Why should anyone suffer for being born different? Why do I not have the right to be recognized for what I physically am? To get a diagnosis and peace of mind since intersex conditions often have an increased cancer risk? Why are billions spent on fertility treatments each year, usually fully covered, despite this putting a burden on society, while 'non-regular' people are denied even the most basic medical needs for their condition?
I invite not only intersexual people to join this revolution, but also transsexual people, who are being persecuted and discriminated against around the world as well, as well as homosexual people, of whom even in Amsterdam each year over a thousand are beaten up for being what they are, and further anyone who believes in justice and equality for everyone. This is my final stand. There is nowhere to go from here but through the oppression.
Everyone is invited to the revolution.
Maya Posch
www.mayaposch.com
Sign the petition at http://www.change.org/petitions/get-humanitarian-protection-for-intersex-people
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Putting Australia On Hold; Indefinitely?
The past time everything has seemingly revolved around getting me to Australia, and getting me a job. OII Australia's response was exactly like that too. Once I would be in Australia things would turn out fine, or so people assured me. Not so.
The future I'd jump into would mean living in some expensive rented room heavens know where, trying to find a job and making ends meet after spending most of my money on getting to Australia. Would this make me happy? Would this really solve the issue which caused me to leave the Netherlands in the first place.
Last night's dream forcefully reminded me of this, and my friend Trevor also warned me that I was moving far too fast yesterday. In the dream I saw all those things which in some form symbolize happiness. In the dream I experienced intimacy, careless happiness, a child's innocence and so on. When I woke up I felt sick. Looking at the twisted reality I was building for myself, stripped of any form of happiness.
Most importantly is that in this reality which had been spun partially by myself and by others there would be no space for my intersexuality, and for the reasons why I can not build up an existence in the Netherlands. How could six and a half years of psychological and physical torture and brainwashing together with an unhappy youth be brushed away carelessly like that? I suffer from a collection of traumatic disorders worse than what most soldiers and abuse victims are forced to deal with every day. Does this not matter? Shouldn't I receive professional care for this?
A person's personality and behaviours are formed by one's surroundings and memories. If you refer to me, you basically refer to the reasons I described above. They formed and shaped me over the past two decades plus. I can not suddenly pretend I'm not like that. I already have to wear a mask in daily life to hide the worst pain and suffering. I could not conceivably manage that for the rest of my life.
No... there still is no future at this point. I know where I need to head towards: where I as a person, together with my past is taken seriously, acknowledged and where help is available. A humanitarian protection visa and the accompanying special humanitarian protection program in Australia would probably be an example of this, but so far I have received no help in ascertaining that this would work, or to carry out the necessary steps.
Where I am now is not the right place to be. I'll never become happy here. I can not grow or live while I stay here. It's still better than making another mistake, fleeing with unseeing eyes, much like when I fled to Canada only to return in misery a few weeks later.
What did I suffer for again all those years?
Maya
The future I'd jump into would mean living in some expensive rented room heavens know where, trying to find a job and making ends meet after spending most of my money on getting to Australia. Would this make me happy? Would this really solve the issue which caused me to leave the Netherlands in the first place.
Last night's dream forcefully reminded me of this, and my friend Trevor also warned me that I was moving far too fast yesterday. In the dream I saw all those things which in some form symbolize happiness. In the dream I experienced intimacy, careless happiness, a child's innocence and so on. When I woke up I felt sick. Looking at the twisted reality I was building for myself, stripped of any form of happiness.
Most importantly is that in this reality which had been spun partially by myself and by others there would be no space for my intersexuality, and for the reasons why I can not build up an existence in the Netherlands. How could six and a half years of psychological and physical torture and brainwashing together with an unhappy youth be brushed away carelessly like that? I suffer from a collection of traumatic disorders worse than what most soldiers and abuse victims are forced to deal with every day. Does this not matter? Shouldn't I receive professional care for this?
A person's personality and behaviours are formed by one's surroundings and memories. If you refer to me, you basically refer to the reasons I described above. They formed and shaped me over the past two decades plus. I can not suddenly pretend I'm not like that. I already have to wear a mask in daily life to hide the worst pain and suffering. I could not conceivably manage that for the rest of my life.
No... there still is no future at this point. I know where I need to head towards: where I as a person, together with my past is taken seriously, acknowledged and where help is available. A humanitarian protection visa and the accompanying special humanitarian protection program in Australia would probably be an example of this, but so far I have received no help in ascertaining that this would work, or to carry out the necessary steps.
Where I am now is not the right place to be. I'll never become happy here. I can not grow or live while I stay here. It's still better than making another mistake, fleeing with unseeing eyes, much like when I fled to Canada only to return in misery a few weeks later.
What did I suffer for again all those years?
Maya
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Australia At Last, Yet Should I Be Happy?
Today an Australian friend from Sydney said I could crash at his place and he'd ask friends whether they had a spare room. Another friend is also looking around for me. Once I have a room the countdown to my move to Australia begins. It might be as early as this week.
Now that it is quickly becoming a reality, I'm assaulted by so many doubts and fears. Why shouldn't I stay here, where everything is familiar and safe? Why go to some strange place and use up all your savings? Why? Why? Why? Today I don't think I can answer those questions. My resolve of the past months which led me to consider Australia seems to have vanished for the time being.
I have requested a price quote from an international moving company. I will possibly book my plane ticket this week. Things are moving forward, but to where? I don't know where I will end up, only in 'a room', surrounded by people I have never once met in my life, and with the daunting task of finding a job lest I run out of money within a month or two. I don't know how much support I'll get there, or whether I'll remain a stranger all the time.
Of course I'm used to the Dutch way of doing things, where most people never bother to learn who their neighbours are. I hope things aren't like in Australia, but I'm feeling so very small and so very afraid.
Maya
Now that it is quickly becoming a reality, I'm assaulted by so many doubts and fears. Why shouldn't I stay here, where everything is familiar and safe? Why go to some strange place and use up all your savings? Why? Why? Why? Today I don't think I can answer those questions. My resolve of the past months which led me to consider Australia seems to have vanished for the time being.
I have requested a price quote from an international moving company. I will possibly book my plane ticket this week. Things are moving forward, but to where? I don't know where I will end up, only in 'a room', surrounded by people I have never once met in my life, and with the daunting task of finding a job lest I run out of money within a month or two. I don't know how much support I'll get there, or whether I'll remain a stranger all the time.
Of course I'm used to the Dutch way of doing things, where most people never bother to learn who their neighbours are. I hope things aren't like in Australia, but I'm feeling so very small and so very afraid.
Maya
Wanted: Miracle
So the world doesn't want me at the moment? Doesn't want my skills? Doesn't want me to show what I can do for it? I will just have to stop trying then. A future is something is something other people have. I'll just have to stay in the present and maybe a bit in the past as well. Maybe a miracle will occur and the world will accept me.
Until that time I'll just... exist.
Farewell, and maybe I'll see you again, in the future.
Maya
Until that time I'll just... exist.
Farewell, and maybe I'll see you again, in the future.
Maya
Hunger Strike
Yesterday OII Australia seemed to make a U-turn on their offer of help, seemingly telling me to figure it all out on my own, without help from their side. This led to me taking an overdose of a certain medication, fortunately not fatal.
Now I'm feeling all on my own again. I don't know how or even why I'd go to Australia. It's so much work, so much trouble and I can't do it on my own. Never done it before, and I'm so tired that I start crying at the slightest.
My hunger strike kind of just happened. Been eating less and less the past weeks until lately I almost began to feel disgusted at eating something. Two days ago I almost had nothing but lunch. Yesterday I didn't eat anything. Today I'm not feeling hungry at all.
What would happen if I just stayed here in the Netherlands? I'd never be acknowledged as being intersexual, I'd never receive help with it. I'd have extreme difficulty finding a job due to my lack of formal education, I'd remain a burden on my mother for heavens know how long and I'd never be able to be myself. Plus this is the country which discriminated against me, refused medical help and even tried to brainwash me. Should I just take all that and pretend nothing bad happened?
I can't take it already right now.
What I need is a place where my intersexuality is acknowledged, where I can easily get a job with my qualifications and where I can mostly be myself and where I already have quite a few friends. A country like Australia, in other words.
Just obstacle after obstacle keeps getting thrown in my way. OII Australia most recently seemed to tell me that I can just rough it out, staying at youth hostels and such until I find a job and a place to stay. I can imagine what that would do to my emotional state, as I was in a similar situation back in 2007 when I went to Canada and had to stay in a motel for a week while things got sorted out. It was one of the most terrible experiences in my life.
I need safety and comfort. Not another prison cell with its restrictions and limitations. All I ask for is someone, a family or someone else to provide me with a place where I can stay for a bit, and some help with getting a job. Is this really too much to ask?
Until such a miracle happens I'll be counting down the about 3-4 weeks until my hunger strike becomes life-threatening. At this point I don't think I have much concern for my own life any more anyway, thanks to what others have taught me.
Maya
Now I'm feeling all on my own again. I don't know how or even why I'd go to Australia. It's so much work, so much trouble and I can't do it on my own. Never done it before, and I'm so tired that I start crying at the slightest.
My hunger strike kind of just happened. Been eating less and less the past weeks until lately I almost began to feel disgusted at eating something. Two days ago I almost had nothing but lunch. Yesterday I didn't eat anything. Today I'm not feeling hungry at all.
What would happen if I just stayed here in the Netherlands? I'd never be acknowledged as being intersexual, I'd never receive help with it. I'd have extreme difficulty finding a job due to my lack of formal education, I'd remain a burden on my mother for heavens know how long and I'd never be able to be myself. Plus this is the country which discriminated against me, refused medical help and even tried to brainwash me. Should I just take all that and pretend nothing bad happened?
I can't take it already right now.
What I need is a place where my intersexuality is acknowledged, where I can easily get a job with my qualifications and where I can mostly be myself and where I already have quite a few friends. A country like Australia, in other words.
Just obstacle after obstacle keeps getting thrown in my way. OII Australia most recently seemed to tell me that I can just rough it out, staying at youth hostels and such until I find a job and a place to stay. I can imagine what that would do to my emotional state, as I was in a similar situation back in 2007 when I went to Canada and had to stay in a motel for a week while things got sorted out. It was one of the most terrible experiences in my life.
I need safety and comfort. Not another prison cell with its restrictions and limitations. All I ask for is someone, a family or someone else to provide me with a place where I can stay for a bit, and some help with getting a job. Is this really too much to ask?
Until such a miracle happens I'll be counting down the about 3-4 weeks until my hunger strike becomes life-threatening. At this point I don't think I have much concern for my own life any more anyway, thanks to what others have taught me.
Maya
Saturday, 9 July 2011
OII Australia To The Rescue?
Yesterday I got into contact with Karin Gottschalk of OII Australia. OII stands for Organisation Internationale des Intersexues, the international organization for intersexual people. The Australian site can be found at http://oiiaustralia.com/. Her response was so matter of fact and friendly that I found myself wondering why I hadn't contacted OII before. Maybe it were my previous negative experiences with such organizations, I guess.
What OII Australia can apparently offer me is support for my intersex condition, help with finding a job and getting settled in Australia. It's all volunteer-driven, so it won't be an easy ride, but at least these are people who know what is like to be intersexual. So far it's a stark contrast with my contacts with transsexual people, including those in Australia. I'm not sure where this difference comes from, all I know is that I much prefer the intersexual side. Maybe it's because intersexual people aren't so desperate to belong to one of the strictly defined groups of males and females? I don't know.
Anyway, things are looking up a bit now, for which I am grateful. Now to see whether this is just a breathing space before things go south again, or that it's finally up from here.
Things I do not really like so far about the picture being painted for me is the difficulty is getting hormones for Hormone Replacement Theory. Most seem to order them online as I used to do as well. It's much easier to get them locally instead of waiting a month for them to arrive. I'll have to see about this.
There is also the matter of getting the examinations and tests I require. For surgeries everyone seems to go to Thailand, which fortunately is only a small hop from Australia. For examinations and such I'm not sure where I could go to and who would pay for it. These uncertainties ruin my mood, still. Some physician has to be interested in a unique case like mine, right? Right? :(
Above all I notice how incredibly tired I am, and how little it takes for me to start crying and shut out the world. I am pretty sure this is what they call a burn-out. It really makes it extremely difficult to cope with every-day life, let alone complex things such as a relocation. There can be no opportunity to recover from this burn-out, though. Not here in the Netherlands where I can't keep from flinching every time I see a police uniform and medical help won't arrive until intersexuality is officially recognized by the Dutch government by perhaps 2050.
Once in Australia I will need someone to hold my hand as well, as silly as it may sound. Just to help me get settled into a routine and to consult with about medical things.
Just please... no more setbacks. I am sick of feeling filled with agony and despair. It hurts so bloody much. Make me believe that life can be fun and relaxing instead. Last time I felt like that I must have been 5 years old or so...
Maya
What OII Australia can apparently offer me is support for my intersex condition, help with finding a job and getting settled in Australia. It's all volunteer-driven, so it won't be an easy ride, but at least these are people who know what is like to be intersexual. So far it's a stark contrast with my contacts with transsexual people, including those in Australia. I'm not sure where this difference comes from, all I know is that I much prefer the intersexual side. Maybe it's because intersexual people aren't so desperate to belong to one of the strictly defined groups of males and females? I don't know.
Anyway, things are looking up a bit now, for which I am grateful. Now to see whether this is just a breathing space before things go south again, or that it's finally up from here.
Things I do not really like so far about the picture being painted for me is the difficulty is getting hormones for Hormone Replacement Theory. Most seem to order them online as I used to do as well. It's much easier to get them locally instead of waiting a month for them to arrive. I'll have to see about this.
There is also the matter of getting the examinations and tests I require. For surgeries everyone seems to go to Thailand, which fortunately is only a small hop from Australia. For examinations and such I'm not sure where I could go to and who would pay for it. These uncertainties ruin my mood, still. Some physician has to be interested in a unique case like mine, right? Right? :(
Above all I notice how incredibly tired I am, and how little it takes for me to start crying and shut out the world. I am pretty sure this is what they call a burn-out. It really makes it extremely difficult to cope with every-day life, let alone complex things such as a relocation. There can be no opportunity to recover from this burn-out, though. Not here in the Netherlands where I can't keep from flinching every time I see a police uniform and medical help won't arrive until intersexuality is officially recognized by the Dutch government by perhaps 2050.
Once in Australia I will need someone to hold my hand as well, as silly as it may sound. Just to help me get settled into a routine and to consult with about medical things.
Just please... no more setbacks. I am sick of feeling filled with agony and despair. It hurts so bloody much. Make me believe that life can be fun and relaxing instead. Last time I felt like that I must have been 5 years old or so...
Maya
Monday, 4 July 2011
Hospital Appointment And The Things I Gladly Leave Behind
The thing I like about traveling by train and other public methods of transport is meeting new people. On my way towards the hospital I ended up chatting with this girl about her notebook, DSLR cameras, the HKU school where I was yesterday since she wants to become an interior designer and she didn't know about this school yet, and of course my troubles in this country. I handed her my business card before she had to leave the train. I talked with a few other people as well, and got some very grateful 'thank yous' after assisting others, but that first conversation was the most remarkable, I think.
At the hospital itself I ended up talking about my issue as well when I had to register. Two ladies behind the counter were quite interested in my story so I gave them my business card as well. Ditto for the girl behind the plastic surgery department counter. All quite interesting and pleasant.
The actual appointment was less fun. The surgeon in question was a very twitchy, absent-minded person. Soon into the discussion it became clear that he was taking an offensive stance and I was back to defending myself, as I have gotten used to with Dutch physicians and such. This attitude would not change at all during the appointment. What I found annoying was that this surgeon kept pushing me towards having an artificial vagina installed, without any apparent interest in finding out whether I already have one. Finally he also called in other patients when I had left for a minute to go to the toilet, meaning that I had to wait ten minutes or so in front of a closed door with my belongings still inside.
There was no mention of the scan or x-ray with contrast dye and when I steered towards the subject, he stayed dismissive, and jumped to various conclusions. I didn't get the impression that he really believed my story, and wasn't particularly interested in examining me. What he did suggest was to have an ultrasound performed, but after a lot of calling back and forth with the radiology department it was decided that they just needed the MRI scans which I had with me on an USB stick. Then some confusion when I arrived at the radiology department as the people at the front desk didn't know about this request to have them read in the MRI scan data.
After spending more time waiting I got told that they couldn't use the JPEG files included in the scan data I have, but require the original DCOM format. Ergo they have to ask for this data at the OLVG and Erasmus MC hospitals. My presence clearly wasn't needed or required. The surgeon's conclusions based on the MRI scans will also be discussed by phone, two weeks from now. Good thing that the journey was kinda fun.
It was a good thing that I didn't have any expectations for this appointment, as otherwise I'd surely have felt disappointed. As things stand now, I merely feel that it is a confirmation of the reasons why I am leaving this country. Another confirmation are the frequent flashbacks I suffered today, with details like a side table design reminding me of the table in my jail cell, and a dress a little girl was wearing at the hospital reminding me of the bag they made me wear at the jail. Very unpleasant memories and still far too real.
Hopefully the last pieces before I can go to Australia will fall in place during this and next week. I got one friend helping me with that politician and the professor we got referred to, and the asylum request, and another with the housing part. Other friends are helping me with various details around finding a job and such. Ideally I would like to get a chance to heal up once I'm in Australia. Spend a month or so adjusting, and letting the bad memories fade somewhat while adding new, fun memories. Professional help might be welcome too, considering that I do suffer from PTSD and such, not unlike a soldier returning from a war zone.
We'll see.
Maya
At the hospital itself I ended up talking about my issue as well when I had to register. Two ladies behind the counter were quite interested in my story so I gave them my business card as well. Ditto for the girl behind the plastic surgery department counter. All quite interesting and pleasant.
The actual appointment was less fun. The surgeon in question was a very twitchy, absent-minded person. Soon into the discussion it became clear that he was taking an offensive stance and I was back to defending myself, as I have gotten used to with Dutch physicians and such. This attitude would not change at all during the appointment. What I found annoying was that this surgeon kept pushing me towards having an artificial vagina installed, without any apparent interest in finding out whether I already have one. Finally he also called in other patients when I had left for a minute to go to the toilet, meaning that I had to wait ten minutes or so in front of a closed door with my belongings still inside.
There was no mention of the scan or x-ray with contrast dye and when I steered towards the subject, he stayed dismissive, and jumped to various conclusions. I didn't get the impression that he really believed my story, and wasn't particularly interested in examining me. What he did suggest was to have an ultrasound performed, but after a lot of calling back and forth with the radiology department it was decided that they just needed the MRI scans which I had with me on an USB stick. Then some confusion when I arrived at the radiology department as the people at the front desk didn't know about this request to have them read in the MRI scan data.
After spending more time waiting I got told that they couldn't use the JPEG files included in the scan data I have, but require the original DCOM format. Ergo they have to ask for this data at the OLVG and Erasmus MC hospitals. My presence clearly wasn't needed or required. The surgeon's conclusions based on the MRI scans will also be discussed by phone, two weeks from now. Good thing that the journey was kinda fun.
It was a good thing that I didn't have any expectations for this appointment, as otherwise I'd surely have felt disappointed. As things stand now, I merely feel that it is a confirmation of the reasons why I am leaving this country. Another confirmation are the frequent flashbacks I suffered today, with details like a side table design reminding me of the table in my jail cell, and a dress a little girl was wearing at the hospital reminding me of the bag they made me wear at the jail. Very unpleasant memories and still far too real.
Hopefully the last pieces before I can go to Australia will fall in place during this and next week. I got one friend helping me with that politician and the professor we got referred to, and the asylum request, and another with the housing part. Other friends are helping me with various details around finding a job and such. Ideally I would like to get a chance to heal up once I'm in Australia. Spend a month or so adjusting, and letting the bad memories fade somewhat while adding new, fun memories. Professional help might be welcome too, considering that I do suffer from PTSD and such, not unlike a soldier returning from a war zone.
We'll see.
Maya
It Doesn't Really Matter Any More
In a few hours I'll be leaving for a hospital appointment at the other side of the country for an x-ray with contrast dye which should indicate whether or not I have a vagina there. A friend arranged this for me via a surgeon.
Just like yesterday's visit to the photo exposition, today's appointment is an - even stronger - confrontation with everything that is wrong about me and my life. I don't even care what the result of this examination is. All I can feel is sick, nauseous and completely miserable. My emotional state is distinctly unstable and I can't stop crying.
I did some reading up on Australian asylum and humanitarian protection programs. They might be an option. I don't know. I will have others look into it for me. Much as I need others for everything else. A job. Housing. Everything. There's nothing I can do myself.
I feel so worthless. Weak. All I can do is feel miserable and cry. Part of me insists that I'll never make it to Australia. Not in my current state and not with the limited help I'm getting at the moment. I'm actually beginning to feel extremely suicidal again today. I simply can't take the facts of my existence any longer. By hitting and inflicting physical pain upon myself I can draw myself away from a suicide attempt somewhat, but it's a losing battle.
There's nothing I would like more right now than to take a pill, vitally injure myself with a knife or otherwise cause my own death. Everything is better than to suffer like this.
No one cares. Or I wouldn't be writing this. What am I hoping for anyway... I should just get this over with instead of wasting more time and energy on writing useless posts like these. F*** this all. F*** all of you useless people. F*** this useless world. I'm through with it. Just...
I'll struggle on anyway, until this last thread of sanity snaps.
*winches in pain as she hits herself on the chest and abdominal areas some more*
*cries*
Maya
Just like yesterday's visit to the photo exposition, today's appointment is an - even stronger - confrontation with everything that is wrong about me and my life. I don't even care what the result of this examination is. All I can feel is sick, nauseous and completely miserable. My emotional state is distinctly unstable and I can't stop crying.
I did some reading up on Australian asylum and humanitarian protection programs. They might be an option. I don't know. I will have others look into it for me. Much as I need others for everything else. A job. Housing. Everything. There's nothing I can do myself.
I feel so worthless. Weak. All I can do is feel miserable and cry. Part of me insists that I'll never make it to Australia. Not in my current state and not with the limited help I'm getting at the moment. I'm actually beginning to feel extremely suicidal again today. I simply can't take the facts of my existence any longer. By hitting and inflicting physical pain upon myself I can draw myself away from a suicide attempt somewhat, but it's a losing battle.
There's nothing I would like more right now than to take a pill, vitally injure myself with a knife or otherwise cause my own death. Everything is better than to suffer like this.
No one cares. Or I wouldn't be writing this. What am I hoping for anyway... I should just get this over with instead of wasting more time and energy on writing useless posts like these. F*** this all. F*** all of you useless people. F*** this useless world. I'm through with it. Just...
I'll struggle on anyway, until this last thread of sanity snaps.
*winches in pain as she hits herself on the chest and abdominal areas some more*
*cries*
Maya
Saturday, 2 July 2011
A Foothold In Australian Politics
Last Tuesday an Australian friend (I guess I should start saying 'mate' by now) sent an email on my behalf to a politician in Melbourne, regarding the issue of intersexual and similar people who leave their country due to intolerance and persecution for their condition. With this politician also being intersexual my hope was that I could get some help or advice from this side as well. What I didn't know was whether I would get a response at all, or if I did, how long it would take and what the contents would be. My only experience with politicians regarding this issue has been with Dutch politicians, which as described before has ranged from near- to complete disinterest, so while I had some hope my expectations weren't that high.
Naturally I was aware that Australia is a lot more considerate and aware of sexual diversity in its attitude and laws, and for crying out loud, the politician receiving the message is quite like me. Still, I had no real idea of what to expect.
A few hours ago I received an email from the friend... sorry, mate who sent the email with news about the response he had received from the politician. Not only did this politician inquire about more details, a reference was also provided to a professor at a local hospital. Only took about four days. Not bad. And the response itself was far beyond what I could have imagined. The follow-up from our side is now to provide the requested details, mainly about my case. I'm quite thrilled to see how this will develop from now on.
In other news, I'm awaiting news on a job in Sydney and got a very real job offer waiting for me in Newcastle. With a bit of luck I'll get to choose between jobs next week and begin to make final arrangements for my move to Australia. A slight sticking point in this is Dutch bureaucracy: my beautician has called my insurance company a number of times about the price quote they demand for approving full coverage for electrolysis treatment, but each time the person who supposedly handles such things wasn't present. It's silly because first of all such a price quote is impossible as treatment duration differs per person and is unpredictable, and because they don't have the right person available on this special phone number during office hours, and second it's silly because everyone who qualifies has to go through this futile routine.
What I should get once this request is approved is close to 4,000 Euro, which I have saved up over the past three years. Not that I'm financially in such a tight spot, but it would give me some more breathing space with such a big change in my life coming up.
Maya
Naturally I was aware that Australia is a lot more considerate and aware of sexual diversity in its attitude and laws, and for crying out loud, the politician receiving the message is quite like me. Still, I had no real idea of what to expect.
A few hours ago I received an email from the friend... sorry, mate who sent the email with news about the response he had received from the politician. Not only did this politician inquire about more details, a reference was also provided to a professor at a local hospital. Only took about four days. Not bad. And the response itself was far beyond what I could have imagined. The follow-up from our side is now to provide the requested details, mainly about my case. I'm quite thrilled to see how this will develop from now on.
In other news, I'm awaiting news on a job in Sydney and got a very real job offer waiting for me in Newcastle. With a bit of luck I'll get to choose between jobs next week and begin to make final arrangements for my move to Australia. A slight sticking point in this is Dutch bureaucracy: my beautician has called my insurance company a number of times about the price quote they demand for approving full coverage for electrolysis treatment, but each time the person who supposedly handles such things wasn't present. It's silly because first of all such a price quote is impossible as treatment duration differs per person and is unpredictable, and because they don't have the right person available on this special phone number during office hours, and second it's silly because everyone who qualifies has to go through this futile routine.
What I should get once this request is approved is close to 4,000 Euro, which I have saved up over the past three years. Not that I'm financially in such a tight spot, but it would give me some more breathing space with such a big change in my life coming up.
Maya
Thursday, 30 June 2011
What I Expect From Australia, Or Please Cut Me Some Slack
Today's post is very much a continuation of Tuesday's blog post (http://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2011/06/why-i-am-leaving-netherlands-forever.html) on my reasons for leaving the Netherlands. As my target country where I am escaping to is Australia, I'll try to outline in this post what my expectations and hopes are.
First of all, I'd like to state my desire to really contribute to Australia, both its economy and its culture. I'm the type of person who likes to give back. My hope is that I'll get what I need to get started from people in Australia as well as its government. This is also one of the sources of my fears. The last thing I would want is to end up all alone in Australia, in a place I can not afford to pay for, with dwindling financial resources and no backup. Notice that I have never known financial security so far, and that the only reason why I haven't ended up on the streets is because I have had family and other people support me, even if it did turn out they had ulterior motives.
Being able to support myself hasn't been an option for a long time because of my struggle to first understand myself, leading to the discovery of my giftedness and my intersexuality, and then against the medical and other parts of the Dutch healthcare system in a futile attempt to get them to help me. Meanwhile I haven't neglected my intellectual side, however. I know various languages, many programming languages, system architectures and basically at least something of every branch of science and technology. My photographic memory and insatiable thirst for knowledge and understanding have been a great boon and still form a major part of who I am and where my interests lie.
Where things get tricky is that I need financial stability in Australia, but thanks to my traumatic experiences in the Netherlands I'll need a recovery period, both for my physical and emotional injuries. My hope is that something can be arranged here, together with some medical treatment. I'd still like a diagnosis of my intersex condition and treatment options. I guess the central theme here is that I require safety and acknowledgement of my physical condition. A stable platform from which to proceed after the dust of migrating has settled.
I will be moving to a completely foreign country after all, where I do not have any friends I have ever met in real-life. At the moment they're just contacts via IRC and email. What I am so terrified of, as I described earlier, is to end up all alone and without support. I would just have fled from a country where the system has actively pushed me towards my death, only to end up in a place where I'll be forced to fight for my survival again. I'd very much like to get a break here. Take away the worries about finances, a place to live etc. for at least a few months until I can get onto my feet.
Above all I require lots of love and attention :) Here in the Netherlands my mother cares a great deal about me, but is helpless on her own to improve my situation. My younger brother, who has been in New Zealand and Australia in 2009, supports me completely as well. Further I have my current beautician who has been very kind to me so far, and a couple of Dutch people I know via IRC who also support me, some of whom are eager to go along with me. I crave for people who will similarly be kind to me, help me where they can and above all make me - a stranger in a strange land - feel welcome.
I hope this rambling post has made some sense to you. It's very hard to put things down when they're mostly emotional in nature. My hope is that the impression it left you with are that I'm an asset to Australia and a good person to have around or even befriend, someone who will repay kindness in kind. The impression it shouldn't have left you with is that of an unstable, homicidal maniac, in which case I probably should rewrite it :)
Maya
First of all, I'd like to state my desire to really contribute to Australia, both its economy and its culture. I'm the type of person who likes to give back. My hope is that I'll get what I need to get started from people in Australia as well as its government. This is also one of the sources of my fears. The last thing I would want is to end up all alone in Australia, in a place I can not afford to pay for, with dwindling financial resources and no backup. Notice that I have never known financial security so far, and that the only reason why I haven't ended up on the streets is because I have had family and other people support me, even if it did turn out they had ulterior motives.
Being able to support myself hasn't been an option for a long time because of my struggle to first understand myself, leading to the discovery of my giftedness and my intersexuality, and then against the medical and other parts of the Dutch healthcare system in a futile attempt to get them to help me. Meanwhile I haven't neglected my intellectual side, however. I know various languages, many programming languages, system architectures and basically at least something of every branch of science and technology. My photographic memory and insatiable thirst for knowledge and understanding have been a great boon and still form a major part of who I am and where my interests lie.
Where things get tricky is that I need financial stability in Australia, but thanks to my traumatic experiences in the Netherlands I'll need a recovery period, both for my physical and emotional injuries. My hope is that something can be arranged here, together with some medical treatment. I'd still like a diagnosis of my intersex condition and treatment options. I guess the central theme here is that I require safety and acknowledgement of my physical condition. A stable platform from which to proceed after the dust of migrating has settled.
I will be moving to a completely foreign country after all, where I do not have any friends I have ever met in real-life. At the moment they're just contacts via IRC and email. What I am so terrified of, as I described earlier, is to end up all alone and without support. I would just have fled from a country where the system has actively pushed me towards my death, only to end up in a place where I'll be forced to fight for my survival again. I'd very much like to get a break here. Take away the worries about finances, a place to live etc. for at least a few months until I can get onto my feet.
Above all I require lots of love and attention :) Here in the Netherlands my mother cares a great deal about me, but is helpless on her own to improve my situation. My younger brother, who has been in New Zealand and Australia in 2009, supports me completely as well. Further I have my current beautician who has been very kind to me so far, and a couple of Dutch people I know via IRC who also support me, some of whom are eager to go along with me. I crave for people who will similarly be kind to me, help me where they can and above all make me - a stranger in a strange land - feel welcome.
I hope this rambling post has made some sense to you. It's very hard to put things down when they're mostly emotional in nature. My hope is that the impression it left you with are that I'm an asset to Australia and a good person to have around or even befriend, someone who will repay kindness in kind. The impression it shouldn't have left you with is that of an unstable, homicidal maniac, in which case I probably should rewrite it :)
Maya
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
Why I Am Still In Mortal Danger, Or Help, I Don't Want To Die
The first time I tried to commit suicide was in 2009, when after about four years I had to acknowledge that it was unlikely that I would be receiving medical help. I tried strangulation, but failed and afterwards I learned to suppress the sadness, rage, anger, fear and other negative emotions associated with getting persecuted for having the nerve to be myself. The persecution and my despair at it only got worse after that.
January of this year I tried to commit suicide again, this time with an overdose of sleeping pills. The reasons were multiple. First the same reasons as for the first attempt, combined with me losing what I at that moment considered to be my home. I survived this attempt as well and tried to find a solution to my situation, eventually acknowledging that I was being persecuted and that my only option was to leave this country.
The past few days I hadn't been feeling all too well. For weeks I have had this strange, nauseating headache, probably induced by the stress caused by all the uncertainties regarding whether I'll be able to make it out of this country alive or not. After multiple weeks of trying to arrange things and only have a temporary visa to show for it, I have zero faith in me actually getting out of this alive.
PTSD flashbacks have been getting worse. I often find myself back in jail, experiencing the despair of utter hopelessness. Then I snap out of it and realize that my current situation isn't much better. I'm completely at the mercy of others at this point, and they at least to me seem more than happy to let me rot in this jail called the Netherlands. Every shred of hope I cling to gets ripped away. It now seems unlikely that I'll be able to get a job in Australia. The family of this friend of my mother hasn't responded after weeks, even after me sending an email myself, probably because they don't want to deal with a freak like me. Maybe it's all inside my head, and everything will turn out fine, but I can say without lying that nothing up till this point has worked out and that my situation has only grown increasingly more desperate.
Last night I went to bed feeling kind of down. I had been suffering from terrible pains in my wrists and hands that day to the point where I had to take double my normal dose of painkillers to deal with it. Once in bed I began to slip into a flashback-like state, which wasn't a flashback. I was imagining committing suicide by stabbing myself with a knife. I could feel everything, find myself longing to carry this out for real, and not finding myself rejecting the idea at all.
I tried to fight against this idea, but it literally is like fighting a bear. It is that I don't bruise easily, or my entire chest would be completely blue and black. All one can see of my struggles are the nail marks where I dug into the skin of my abdomen and tried to rip chunks out. It was so terrifying. I didn't know whether I was going to win this time. I so badly want to live, but it just doesn't seem possible. A third suicide attempt seems inevitable at this point, and I'm almost ready to surrender to the idea.
Yesterday a friend sent out a message on Twitter asking for people to find me a job and safety in Australia, but it was already the second time she did this. I am not expecting anything of it. Everybody around me will just keep living their lives which really aren't that bad, even if they complain a lot about it.
I am disgusted with my body. It's not human. I can not place it. It's not accepted. It's not acceptable. I can't see my own family as such, because they are normal, and I am some kind of alien freak.
It would probably be best if I did kill myself for real this time. I'm just futily keeping myself going with the razor-thin veil of hope that people around me do want me to exist. If I commit suicide it is because I'll be convinced that everybody wants me to die, or doesn't care one bit about my existence. Why do I have to die again? What is my crime? Clearly this body is the reason why I have to die, and my crime is existing. Obviously. I wonder why I didn't see this before?
I fuckin' hate this all...
Maya
January of this year I tried to commit suicide again, this time with an overdose of sleeping pills. The reasons were multiple. First the same reasons as for the first attempt, combined with me losing what I at that moment considered to be my home. I survived this attempt as well and tried to find a solution to my situation, eventually acknowledging that I was being persecuted and that my only option was to leave this country.
The past few days I hadn't been feeling all too well. For weeks I have had this strange, nauseating headache, probably induced by the stress caused by all the uncertainties regarding whether I'll be able to make it out of this country alive or not. After multiple weeks of trying to arrange things and only have a temporary visa to show for it, I have zero faith in me actually getting out of this alive.
PTSD flashbacks have been getting worse. I often find myself back in jail, experiencing the despair of utter hopelessness. Then I snap out of it and realize that my current situation isn't much better. I'm completely at the mercy of others at this point, and they at least to me seem more than happy to let me rot in this jail called the Netherlands. Every shred of hope I cling to gets ripped away. It now seems unlikely that I'll be able to get a job in Australia. The family of this friend of my mother hasn't responded after weeks, even after me sending an email myself, probably because they don't want to deal with a freak like me. Maybe it's all inside my head, and everything will turn out fine, but I can say without lying that nothing up till this point has worked out and that my situation has only grown increasingly more desperate.
Last night I went to bed feeling kind of down. I had been suffering from terrible pains in my wrists and hands that day to the point where I had to take double my normal dose of painkillers to deal with it. Once in bed I began to slip into a flashback-like state, which wasn't a flashback. I was imagining committing suicide by stabbing myself with a knife. I could feel everything, find myself longing to carry this out for real, and not finding myself rejecting the idea at all.
I tried to fight against this idea, but it literally is like fighting a bear. It is that I don't bruise easily, or my entire chest would be completely blue and black. All one can see of my struggles are the nail marks where I dug into the skin of my abdomen and tried to rip chunks out. It was so terrifying. I didn't know whether I was going to win this time. I so badly want to live, but it just doesn't seem possible. A third suicide attempt seems inevitable at this point, and I'm almost ready to surrender to the idea.
Yesterday a friend sent out a message on Twitter asking for people to find me a job and safety in Australia, but it was already the second time she did this. I am not expecting anything of it. Everybody around me will just keep living their lives which really aren't that bad, even if they complain a lot about it.
I am disgusted with my body. It's not human. I can not place it. It's not accepted. It's not acceptable. I can't see my own family as such, because they are normal, and I am some kind of alien freak.
It would probably be best if I did kill myself for real this time. I'm just futily keeping myself going with the razor-thin veil of hope that people around me do want me to exist. If I commit suicide it is because I'll be convinced that everybody wants me to die, or doesn't care one bit about my existence. Why do I have to die again? What is my crime? Clearly this body is the reason why I have to die, and my crime is existing. Obviously. I wonder why I didn't see this before?
I fuckin' hate this all...
Maya
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Why I Am Leaving The Netherlands Forever
I figured I would post a slightly more upbeat post for a change. The motivation for this post is that the reasons for why I'm fleeing the Netherlands to find safety in Australia are scattered on my blog and site. I'll try to briefly summarize the reasons in this post.
The very first thing to go wrong in my life which was due to the system in this country was the way my giftedness was handled. As I describe in the summary on my main site, I have a pretty rare form of giftedness, which makes me a 100% visual-spatial learner as opposed to the more usual step-by-step learner. On top of that I have an auditory deficiency which is due to said giftedness. Basically I have to translate auditory (spoken) items to and from my internal (visual) way of thinking. I think in pictures, essentially, where most people think in words.
The education system wasn't ready to deal with a case like mine, and like every other gifted person in the Netherlands I had to suffer through school until things finally went lobsided. My giftedness and the way it turned me into an outcast even during primary school wasn't handled at all by my environment. There is no place for gifted people in the Netherlands. It's all about dumbing down the system enough for the bottom 50% of society. If you're stupid, you get help. If you're smart, you're expected to take care of things yourself. Hello under-performing and rebelling against society.
Next up on the list is of course my intersexuality. I'm far more bitter about the way this got handled by this country than about how my giftedness got handled, and it's the primary reason why I'm fleeing this country. To put it as short as possible, the past six and a half years I have been persecuted for my intersexuality, have been denied medical help and have been mentally abused by psychologists in their attempts to brainwash/reprogram me into believing that I wasn't intersexual but something else.
For the medical side, I have a nice list summarizing what went wrong: http://www.mayaposch.com/irregularities.php
Issues range from a refusal to perform examinations/tests to lying about tests supposedly performed (faking tests), to physicians making up nonsensical diagnoses which do not even exist, or are a derivation of a condition made up by some psychologist who has been rejected by everybody else (gynaephilia, expanded into autoparagynaecophilia: http://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2011/05/autoparagynaecophilia-explained.html ). The diagnosis intersexuality has not been made in the Netherlands, but has been by two German private clinics, who have been ignored by the Dutch physicians.
While I have experienced a lot of other unpleasant things the past years, including rape, sexual assault and abuse, these pale in comparison to the event which finally made me decide to leave this country: http://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2011/05/taking-nightmare-notch-further.html
I suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID, http://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2011/05/dissociation.html) as well as various other traumatic disorders. This led to the earlier linked event where I snapped after a family doctor's office didn't do their job (again), broke a few glass items and was promptly arrested by the police and thrown in jail where I spent the night. Result: nerve damage in my wrists from the cuffs being put on as tight as possible, bruises all over my body from getting grabbed, punched and bashed into walls and car doors, and damage in my right knee of which I'm not sure how serious it is. No apologies were offered from the side of the police or the family doctor's office.
Currently I suffer from severe anxiety and panic attacks as a result of this last experience. Compounded by all my previous experiences it has really opened my eyes to the truth; that the Netherlands does not recognize sexual diversity, whether it involves homosexuals (regularly beaten up and bullied), transsexuals (gone into hiding a long time ago) and intersexual people (neither the medical system nor the Dutch government recognizes their existence).
Earlier this year I attempted to lobby the Dutch government into acknowledging the existence of intersexuality, but without luck. Only party I got a bit of contact with was Groenlinks (Green Left), but I recently got accused by my contact person there of lying about the physicians lying to me. Considering that politicians are supposed to represent the people, that was a pretty disappointing experience.
The contrast between the Netherlands and Australia couldn't be greater: Australia recognizes the existence of intersexual people, my Australian transsexual friends are quite happy about the situation there, there is an intersexual politician in Melbourne, and there are many clinics which specialize in cases like mine. Maybe it's the proximity to Asia (Thailand especially being famous for its sexual diversity), but from what I have seen and heard it's heaven compared to the Netherlands.
The shocking truth is that the Netherlands isn't a tolerant country. When I tell people this they initially don't believe me, but when I describe the things 'different' people have to suffer in this country, they can only agree. It took me a while to accept this truth as well. After all I was born and raised in this country, and it is with a heavy heart that I'll be leaving it. But it's the only way. The only way to survive. The only way to let the world know what is happening in the Netherlands.
Edit: At the request of a friend I'm adding some information on my skill set and job I'm looking for in Australia. My resume can be found at http://www.mayaposch.com/cv.php and my portfolio at http://www.mayaposch.com/portfolio.php. Basically I have a lot of programming experience in various languages (C/C++, PHP, Java, C#), am familiar with various OSes (Windows, Linux, BSD, etc.), hardware architectures, and am also very good at technical writing (documentation, etc.). Outside programming I have experience with many spoken languages (Dutch, English: fluent; Japanese: getting there), managing teams (fansubbing group, software projects), running a business (software company since June 2006). And so on. I proud myself on being very versatile and a quick learner.
The job I'm looking for in Australia is probably in the ICT sector. I would love to work on a fun game development project, or something else that's fun and exciting. I'd also like to work on less exciting things, such as writing financial software, if it pays enough and the work environment is pleasant. I have gone through a lot of stressful experiences I have to learn to deal with, still, and it would be nice if some allowances would be made because of this. Also with an eye on my medical situation.
Maya
The very first thing to go wrong in my life which was due to the system in this country was the way my giftedness was handled. As I describe in the summary on my main site, I have a pretty rare form of giftedness, which makes me a 100% visual-spatial learner as opposed to the more usual step-by-step learner. On top of that I have an auditory deficiency which is due to said giftedness. Basically I have to translate auditory (spoken) items to and from my internal (visual) way of thinking. I think in pictures, essentially, where most people think in words.
The education system wasn't ready to deal with a case like mine, and like every other gifted person in the Netherlands I had to suffer through school until things finally went lobsided. My giftedness and the way it turned me into an outcast even during primary school wasn't handled at all by my environment. There is no place for gifted people in the Netherlands. It's all about dumbing down the system enough for the bottom 50% of society. If you're stupid, you get help. If you're smart, you're expected to take care of things yourself. Hello under-performing and rebelling against society.
Next up on the list is of course my intersexuality. I'm far more bitter about the way this got handled by this country than about how my giftedness got handled, and it's the primary reason why I'm fleeing this country. To put it as short as possible, the past six and a half years I have been persecuted for my intersexuality, have been denied medical help and have been mentally abused by psychologists in their attempts to brainwash/reprogram me into believing that I wasn't intersexual but something else.
For the medical side, I have a nice list summarizing what went wrong: http://www.mayaposch.com/irregularities.php
Issues range from a refusal to perform examinations/tests to lying about tests supposedly performed (faking tests), to physicians making up nonsensical diagnoses which do not even exist, or are a derivation of a condition made up by some psychologist who has been rejected by everybody else (gynaephilia, expanded into autoparagynaecophilia: http://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2011/05/autoparagynaecophilia-explained.html ). The diagnosis intersexuality has not been made in the Netherlands, but has been by two German private clinics, who have been ignored by the Dutch physicians.
While I have experienced a lot of other unpleasant things the past years, including rape, sexual assault and abuse, these pale in comparison to the event which finally made me decide to leave this country: http://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2011/05/taking-nightmare-notch-further.html
I suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID, http://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2011/05/dissociation.html) as well as various other traumatic disorders. This led to the earlier linked event where I snapped after a family doctor's office didn't do their job (again), broke a few glass items and was promptly arrested by the police and thrown in jail where I spent the night. Result: nerve damage in my wrists from the cuffs being put on as tight as possible, bruises all over my body from getting grabbed, punched and bashed into walls and car doors, and damage in my right knee of which I'm not sure how serious it is. No apologies were offered from the side of the police or the family doctor's office.
Currently I suffer from severe anxiety and panic attacks as a result of this last experience. Compounded by all my previous experiences it has really opened my eyes to the truth; that the Netherlands does not recognize sexual diversity, whether it involves homosexuals (regularly beaten up and bullied), transsexuals (gone into hiding a long time ago) and intersexual people (neither the medical system nor the Dutch government recognizes their existence).
Earlier this year I attempted to lobby the Dutch government into acknowledging the existence of intersexuality, but without luck. Only party I got a bit of contact with was Groenlinks (Green Left), but I recently got accused by my contact person there of lying about the physicians lying to me. Considering that politicians are supposed to represent the people, that was a pretty disappointing experience.
The contrast between the Netherlands and Australia couldn't be greater: Australia recognizes the existence of intersexual people, my Australian transsexual friends are quite happy about the situation there, there is an intersexual politician in Melbourne, and there are many clinics which specialize in cases like mine. Maybe it's the proximity to Asia (Thailand especially being famous for its sexual diversity), but from what I have seen and heard it's heaven compared to the Netherlands.
The shocking truth is that the Netherlands isn't a tolerant country. When I tell people this they initially don't believe me, but when I describe the things 'different' people have to suffer in this country, they can only agree. It took me a while to accept this truth as well. After all I was born and raised in this country, and it is with a heavy heart that I'll be leaving it. But it's the only way. The only way to survive. The only way to let the world know what is happening in the Netherlands.
Edit: At the request of a friend I'm adding some information on my skill set and job I'm looking for in Australia. My resume can be found at http://www.mayaposch.com/cv.php and my portfolio at http://www.mayaposch.com/portfolio.php. Basically I have a lot of programming experience in various languages (C/C++, PHP, Java, C#), am familiar with various OSes (Windows, Linux, BSD, etc.), hardware architectures, and am also very good at technical writing (documentation, etc.). Outside programming I have experience with many spoken languages (Dutch, English: fluent; Japanese: getting there), managing teams (fansubbing group, software projects), running a business (software company since June 2006). And so on. I proud myself on being very versatile and a quick learner.
The job I'm looking for in Australia is probably in the ICT sector. I would love to work on a fun game development project, or something else that's fun and exciting. I'd also like to work on less exciting things, such as writing financial software, if it pays enough and the work environment is pleasant. I have gone through a lot of stressful experiences I have to learn to deal with, still, and it would be nice if some allowances would be made because of this. Also with an eye on my medical situation.
Maya
Saturday, 25 June 2011
Casting Off This Cursed Body
Today was simply yet another one of those days where everything comes together to remind me of the wrongness of my existence. Or more precisely that of my body. Getting called a liar for merely writing about the facts in my life, and having it rubbed in repeatedly that something like me does not belong in society with my intersexuality, infertility, age and so on, combined with absolutely no updates from Australia for yet another week. So I have a visa. Big deal. My physical location doesn't seem to matter.
My existence doesn't seem to matter.
Forget I even exist.
I'm sorry.
Farewell.
Maya
My existence doesn't seem to matter.
Forget I even exist.
I'm sorry.
Farewell.
Maya
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Fighting Back Terror And Uncertainty
On the practical side things are going relatively well. I have signed up with a couple of Australian recruitment agencies and am in the process of establishing contact with politicians there as well. With some luck I'll have that job in Australia within a month.
Physically and emotionally... not so well. I have the feeling that all the stress of the past six and a half years are finally catching up with me, making me feel more worn out than ever before. I have to constantly fight off visions of things going wrong before or after I arrive in Australia. There are so many doom scenarios to pick from, it's beyond terrifying. That's why I keep insisting that others should be helping me. I can't do this all by myself. It's just making things far too hard for me.
When one Australian friend helped me fill in the visa and pay for the request, it was already such a relief. I do not want to let others do everything, I just don't want to feel like I'm struggling along by myself while everyone else is watching on smugly and pretending everything is fine. It's not. Every minute that I'm awake is a struggle. To believe in myself, to believe in this dream, to believe in things working out with a job, place to live and everything.
And of course there's the whole medical side. My disgust with sexuality and relationships has taken on a form I have never experienced before. It all leads to this intense fear I feel inside that I'll never receive help and acknowledgment for my intersexuality condition. That I'll be living in Australia and that it'll take years before I get a chance to have it examined, diagnoses and treated. Meanwhile I got lower abdominal pains caused by a partially descended testicle to further scare the heck out of me. I don't know whether leaving my intersex condition untreated will or will not shorten my lifespan and/or lead to nasty complications. I don't know, but it's so easy to find out. If I get help. That's why I feel so terrified.
I don't want to be left alone. Not in this situation. Not with this body. I want to feel like life is worth living, not to contemplate suicide every day, hour or even minute. I want to be useful to others, to humanity. To myself. I want to feel like I am human. I want to feel like it is okay to have a body like this. Because right now I absolutely do not think it's okay to have a body like this. I hate this body, and I hate this country which has made me loathe this cursed body.
I too want to sometimes feel at ease and do something as pleasurable and despicable as masturbating without feeling filled with hatred and loathing afterwards, in addition to fighting off flashbacks and thoughts of everything unpleasant and depressing. I don't want to remember getting raped, sexually assaulted, abused or dating the wrong people.
For now I can have none of this. People who say that this is not true are part of this mob who are smugly watching me struggle along this dark road. I want to yell and scream at these people, these shadows to go away, to leave me alone. I would prefer just the solitude over their mockery. I'm not human. I do not really exist. I get it. Now go away.
Above all I guess it will take time for me to regain my humanity once I'm in a safe place, which hopefully will be Australia. If I had to describe a story which closest matches my experiences of the past decades in this country, I would say Alice in Wonderland, but not the cutesy Disney version. Instead I'd point at the 1988 Czech movie rendition: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095715/
Nothing so far has made a lick of sense, same as in that movie, and I do not feel that I have been in a real world during any point. My life has been threatened repeatedly. My existence denied and persecuted. The whole world around me a mockery of life. It's beyond surreal and straight into undiluted horror.
All I want... all I long for is to have a house - a home, with a garden where I can sit quietly outside in the gentle sunlight, to then close my eyes and as I listen to the sounds of birds around me realize that everything, for the very first time in my life is right.
Not all dreams turn out to be lies. I wonder where mine will end up at once the dust has settled.
Maya
Physically and emotionally... not so well. I have the feeling that all the stress of the past six and a half years are finally catching up with me, making me feel more worn out than ever before. I have to constantly fight off visions of things going wrong before or after I arrive in Australia. There are so many doom scenarios to pick from, it's beyond terrifying. That's why I keep insisting that others should be helping me. I can't do this all by myself. It's just making things far too hard for me.
When one Australian friend helped me fill in the visa and pay for the request, it was already such a relief. I do not want to let others do everything, I just don't want to feel like I'm struggling along by myself while everyone else is watching on smugly and pretending everything is fine. It's not. Every minute that I'm awake is a struggle. To believe in myself, to believe in this dream, to believe in things working out with a job, place to live and everything.
And of course there's the whole medical side. My disgust with sexuality and relationships has taken on a form I have never experienced before. It all leads to this intense fear I feel inside that I'll never receive help and acknowledgment for my intersexuality condition. That I'll be living in Australia and that it'll take years before I get a chance to have it examined, diagnoses and treated. Meanwhile I got lower abdominal pains caused by a partially descended testicle to further scare the heck out of me. I don't know whether leaving my intersex condition untreated will or will not shorten my lifespan and/or lead to nasty complications. I don't know, but it's so easy to find out. If I get help. That's why I feel so terrified.
I don't want to be left alone. Not in this situation. Not with this body. I want to feel like life is worth living, not to contemplate suicide every day, hour or even minute. I want to be useful to others, to humanity. To myself. I want to feel like I am human. I want to feel like it is okay to have a body like this. Because right now I absolutely do not think it's okay to have a body like this. I hate this body, and I hate this country which has made me loathe this cursed body.
I too want to sometimes feel at ease and do something as pleasurable and despicable as masturbating without feeling filled with hatred and loathing afterwards, in addition to fighting off flashbacks and thoughts of everything unpleasant and depressing. I don't want to remember getting raped, sexually assaulted, abused or dating the wrong people.
For now I can have none of this. People who say that this is not true are part of this mob who are smugly watching me struggle along this dark road. I want to yell and scream at these people, these shadows to go away, to leave me alone. I would prefer just the solitude over their mockery. I'm not human. I do not really exist. I get it. Now go away.
Above all I guess it will take time for me to regain my humanity once I'm in a safe place, which hopefully will be Australia. If I had to describe a story which closest matches my experiences of the past decades in this country, I would say Alice in Wonderland, but not the cutesy Disney version. Instead I'd point at the 1988 Czech movie rendition: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095715/
Nothing so far has made a lick of sense, same as in that movie, and I do not feel that I have been in a real world during any point. My life has been threatened repeatedly. My existence denied and persecuted. The whole world around me a mockery of life. It's beyond surreal and straight into undiluted horror.
All I want... all I long for is to have a house - a home, with a garden where I can sit quietly outside in the gentle sunlight, to then close my eyes and as I listen to the sounds of birds around me realize that everything, for the very first time in my life is right.
Not all dreams turn out to be lies. I wonder where mine will end up at once the dust has settled.
Maya
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
Disconnect. Pain. Nausea. Progress.
Not much I can say at the moment. I'm feeling extremely nauseous at the moment again. This in addition to the constant headache I have been afflicted with since last week. For too many days now I have been feeling weak, irritable, restless and apprehensive. The flashbacks of all the terrible things which have happened to me in this horrible country are becoming more and more frequent and stronger. My escape from here is coming closer, but so very slowly.
I'm still hunting for a job in Australia, and although I realize it's only been about two weeks since I started with it, it's so incredibly hard to keep up the hope that it'll work out. It's the only thing I'm waiting for now. Everything else, be it housing and such can be arranged with relative ease, but a job... nobody likes hunting for a job, and neither do I. The only thing I can be grateful for is that Australia doesn't have this fascination with pieces of paper which say that you possess certain skills, but instead favour proven, real-life skills over them.
The money from my insurance company which they still owe me for the electrolysis therapy seems to be coming closer as well. Today I received a letter from them indicating that thanks to specifying 'transsexuality' instead of 'intersexuality' it had passed through the first selection stage and had been handed to a medical advisor. The only thing they want from me is a price quote. I talked with my beautician about this, and she told me that this doesn't really work since the kind of therapy I'm receiving doesn't really have a fixed or easily predicted duration. I got her a phone number at the insurance company after she said she'd call them for me. Waiting for the results now.
Meanwhile the pain in my wrists and hands hasn't relented yet. When they're not hurting I can notice that I lack strength in both hands, especially when grasping something, or making a fist. Nerve damage sucks. It's also a very stringent and most real reminder that my life is under a far too real threat while I'm in this country. I'm terrified of doing anything to further provoke the forces that be in this country lest the cops decide to have another go at me. Above all it reminds me that whether I'm in or outside a police cell, as long as I'm inside this country, there is no significant difference. Either way I'm trapped.
The past few days I have begun to feel more and more disconnected from the world around me. Part of me has already escaped to Australia, it seems. It makes me feel torn and in some ways confused. I hope that I soon get that job and I can begin to make final arrangements for my departure.
As I look outside while I'm typing this, I can see a rainbow in the rainy skies. I hope it's a good sign.
Maya
I'm still hunting for a job in Australia, and although I realize it's only been about two weeks since I started with it, it's so incredibly hard to keep up the hope that it'll work out. It's the only thing I'm waiting for now. Everything else, be it housing and such can be arranged with relative ease, but a job... nobody likes hunting for a job, and neither do I. The only thing I can be grateful for is that Australia doesn't have this fascination with pieces of paper which say that you possess certain skills, but instead favour proven, real-life skills over them.
The money from my insurance company which they still owe me for the electrolysis therapy seems to be coming closer as well. Today I received a letter from them indicating that thanks to specifying 'transsexuality' instead of 'intersexuality' it had passed through the first selection stage and had been handed to a medical advisor. The only thing they want from me is a price quote. I talked with my beautician about this, and she told me that this doesn't really work since the kind of therapy I'm receiving doesn't really have a fixed or easily predicted duration. I got her a phone number at the insurance company after she said she'd call them for me. Waiting for the results now.
Meanwhile the pain in my wrists and hands hasn't relented yet. When they're not hurting I can notice that I lack strength in both hands, especially when grasping something, or making a fist. Nerve damage sucks. It's also a very stringent and most real reminder that my life is under a far too real threat while I'm in this country. I'm terrified of doing anything to further provoke the forces that be in this country lest the cops decide to have another go at me. Above all it reminds me that whether I'm in or outside a police cell, as long as I'm inside this country, there is no significant difference. Either way I'm trapped.
The past few days I have begun to feel more and more disconnected from the world around me. Part of me has already escaped to Australia, it seems. It makes me feel torn and in some ways confused. I hope that I soon get that job and I can begin to make final arrangements for my departure.
As I look outside while I'm typing this, I can see a rainbow in the rainy skies. I hope it's a good sign.
Maya
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Love And Warmth; A Sense Of Belonging
This morning I posted the following on my Facebook profile:
"I guess what I long for is to be part of a warm, loving family/group of people. My own family is neither, except for my mother and brothers. Friends I have never had in this country for some reason. I will leave this country with few regrets, hoping to get some of the warmth and love I have never known in my new country."
Yesterday a friend of my mother offered to get me into contact with some family members of her who live in Australia. They're a few years older than me and have been in the Netherlands as well, so they should be able to understand my situation somewhat. A letter was written since this friend of my mother doesn't use a computer let alone internet and therefore doesn't have any email addresses or such things. No problem, it'll just take about a week to get the letter and a couple of my business cards to South-Australia :)
One of the things which terrifies me about migrating is that of ending up in yet another place where I have to fight for everything. My life so far has consisted out of following the path I was supposed to follow until everything derailed after finishing high school and I have been drifting about with a clear sense of where I want to go, but without the ability to get there. Meanwhile everything kept falling apart around me, with my parents divorcing, a number of moves, and of course my run-in with the fantastic healthcare in this country.
There are some parts of my early youth which I fondly remember, but they're few and get scarcer as my memories become more recent until it's all a blur of confusion and pain. The comfort of a loving and warm family and/or group of friends is something I have never truly experienced beyond a few small glimpses.
Part of this is because of my family, both from my father's and mother's side. Neither consists out of very tight or warm families, further illustrated by examples such as that of one of my cousins who committed suicide a number of years ago due to getting abused sexually for many years by an uncle. Now she is dead because she didn't get support from her family or the justice system in this sickening country, and the person responsible is still walking around, free to continue his actions. This is the kind of warmth and loving one can expect in this country and from its inhabitants.
And I'm sick of it.
I am sick of seeing people being unhappy. I am sick of people treating me like I'm some kind of freak. I am sick of having to apologize for my existence. I am sick of having to fight against the urge to end my own life as well because I feel so unwanted by my environment. I am sick of looking back at my life and getting depressed. I am sick of looking at my future and only feeling a bleak sense of despair.
Above all I am sick of being alone in everything.
My dearest wish at this point is to be welcomed in Australia. To have people help me get settled. To have a fun job there. To not have to explain my situation every time I have to show my ID. To have people help me with my intersex condition. To have friends with whom I can play videogames, work on projects or just have fun. To feel a part of a loving, warm group of people who genuinely care about me.
I like to think that I am a gentle, caring and sensitive person who only wants herself and others to be happy. So far this attitude towards life has just resulted in getting punished at every turn. Not understanding why being a good person gets me punished all the time is the main reason why I am having difficulty with hanging on to life. I mean, if just being myself is not accepted by my surroundings, then why would I keep trying?
In a sense everything at the moment comes down to the choice between staying here in this cold, unforgiving, intolerant and above all heavily prejudiced Netherlands and most likely die a tragic death at my own hands, or take a gamble, move to Australia and hope for the best.
All I hope for is that being a kind, intelligent and skilled person is enough to help me survive over there.
Please let it be true...
Maya
"I guess what I long for is to be part of a warm, loving family/group of people. My own family is neither, except for my mother and brothers. Friends I have never had in this country for some reason. I will leave this country with few regrets, hoping to get some of the warmth and love I have never known in my new country."
Yesterday a friend of my mother offered to get me into contact with some family members of her who live in Australia. They're a few years older than me and have been in the Netherlands as well, so they should be able to understand my situation somewhat. A letter was written since this friend of my mother doesn't use a computer let alone internet and therefore doesn't have any email addresses or such things. No problem, it'll just take about a week to get the letter and a couple of my business cards to South-Australia :)
One of the things which terrifies me about migrating is that of ending up in yet another place where I have to fight for everything. My life so far has consisted out of following the path I was supposed to follow until everything derailed after finishing high school and I have been drifting about with a clear sense of where I want to go, but without the ability to get there. Meanwhile everything kept falling apart around me, with my parents divorcing, a number of moves, and of course my run-in with the fantastic healthcare in this country.
There are some parts of my early youth which I fondly remember, but they're few and get scarcer as my memories become more recent until it's all a blur of confusion and pain. The comfort of a loving and warm family and/or group of friends is something I have never truly experienced beyond a few small glimpses.
Part of this is because of my family, both from my father's and mother's side. Neither consists out of very tight or warm families, further illustrated by examples such as that of one of my cousins who committed suicide a number of years ago due to getting abused sexually for many years by an uncle. Now she is dead because she didn't get support from her family or the justice system in this sickening country, and the person responsible is still walking around, free to continue his actions. This is the kind of warmth and loving one can expect in this country and from its inhabitants.
And I'm sick of it.
I am sick of seeing people being unhappy. I am sick of people treating me like I'm some kind of freak. I am sick of having to apologize for my existence. I am sick of having to fight against the urge to end my own life as well because I feel so unwanted by my environment. I am sick of looking back at my life and getting depressed. I am sick of looking at my future and only feeling a bleak sense of despair.
Above all I am sick of being alone in everything.
My dearest wish at this point is to be welcomed in Australia. To have people help me get settled. To have a fun job there. To not have to explain my situation every time I have to show my ID. To have people help me with my intersex condition. To have friends with whom I can play videogames, work on projects or just have fun. To feel a part of a loving, warm group of people who genuinely care about me.
I like to think that I am a gentle, caring and sensitive person who only wants herself and others to be happy. So far this attitude towards life has just resulted in getting punished at every turn. Not understanding why being a good person gets me punished all the time is the main reason why I am having difficulty with hanging on to life. I mean, if just being myself is not accepted by my surroundings, then why would I keep trying?
In a sense everything at the moment comes down to the choice between staying here in this cold, unforgiving, intolerant and above all heavily prejudiced Netherlands and most likely die a tragic death at my own hands, or take a gamble, move to Australia and hope for the best.
All I hope for is that being a kind, intelligent and skilled person is enough to help me survive over there.
Please let it be true...
Maya
Friday, 10 June 2011
Escape To Australia: Progress Update
The first hurdle has been passed: my visa request got approved right away, basically as soon as the office in Australia opened. No 8 weeks processing time as the site mentioned, but about 4 hours, most of which was during the early morning hours in Australia when everything was still closed. It's a good start.
Next up is finding a job. This should be easy since I'm looking for an IT job, programming, video editing, software engineering or similar. See the resume on my main site for details. I got some friends looking around for me, and I have put my resume on Australian job sites and submitted it to various companies. Considering the booming IT market and lack of people to fill positions I should have no trouble finding a job.
Once I have a job I'll know where I'll be staying in Australia and can arrange for a place to stay, whether it's temporarily at someone else's place or that I'll already arrange an apartment. This is the part where things get quite fuzzy.
I'd like to repeat once more that I have no intention of abandoning the company my colleague and I have build over the past years. I still want to work full-time in Nyanko and earn my income from it. I want my colleague to be happy with everything as well and get his income from the company too. It's only fair, and with all the plans for the future we both have, it would be beyond a shame to let it all go to waste.
A job is a financial crutch in this case. There's no realistic way for me to otherwise establish a foothold in Australia. But it also nets me a lot of benefits, including a social connection with the people there and a clear focus in my life while I get settled, without any significant worries about the financial side.
Today I also contacted another Australian TV channel regarding my story. I hope at least one TV channel shows an interest in my story. It would really help me with getting settled in Australia if I got some recognition, not to mention the help it would provide to people like me who live in societies as intolerant as that of the Netherlands.
Maya
Next up is finding a job. This should be easy since I'm looking for an IT job, programming, video editing, software engineering or similar. See the resume on my main site for details. I got some friends looking around for me, and I have put my resume on Australian job sites and submitted it to various companies. Considering the booming IT market and lack of people to fill positions I should have no trouble finding a job.
Once I have a job I'll know where I'll be staying in Australia and can arrange for a place to stay, whether it's temporarily at someone else's place or that I'll already arrange an apartment. This is the part where things get quite fuzzy.
I'd like to repeat once more that I have no intention of abandoning the company my colleague and I have build over the past years. I still want to work full-time in Nyanko and earn my income from it. I want my colleague to be happy with everything as well and get his income from the company too. It's only fair, and with all the plans for the future we both have, it would be beyond a shame to let it all go to waste.
A job is a financial crutch in this case. There's no realistic way for me to otherwise establish a foothold in Australia. But it also nets me a lot of benefits, including a social connection with the people there and a clear focus in my life while I get settled, without any significant worries about the financial side.
Today I also contacted another Australian TV channel regarding my story. I hope at least one TV channel shows an interest in my story. It would really help me with getting settled in Australia if I got some recognition, not to mention the help it would provide to people like me who live in societies as intolerant as that of the Netherlands.
Maya
Thursday, 9 June 2011
Setting Out To Find Happiness, At Last
Looking back at my blog posts of the past month it seems incredible that so much has happened in such a short time. One point has been driven home quite sufficiently during this single, hectic month. This being that there is absolutely no way I could stay in the Netherlands. There's no recognition of or acknowledgement for people like me. It's even gone so far that my experiences of the past six and a half years can only be described by the term 'persecution'. Whether this persecution was intentional or a symptom of a wider problem with this country and its bureaucracy and government is beside the point. What matters is that it is the wrong place for a person like me.
Last week I took the decision after much consideration and consulting various friends and other knowledgeable contacts that I would be moving, permanently, away from the Netherlands and settle in Australia. Today I filed for a work visa. The expectation is that I'll be departing for Australia by August at the latest.
Why Australia? For one it has sexual diversity acknowledged in its laws, it's also very tolerant of people who are 'different', has an intersexuality movement, many clinics specializing in such conditions and even a politician who is intersexual and is fighting for the rights of intersexuals and such. The contrast with the Dutch politicians who prefer to pretend that there's no such thing as intersexuality and would rather that transsexuals and homosexuals didn't exist either.
People from outside Europe with whom I have talked about the difficulties I have encountered here in the Netherlands due to my medical condition have expressed shock and disbelief. The general assumption seems to be that the Netherlands is a beacon of tolerance and respect, while this couldn't be farther removed from the truth. With homosexuals regularly getting beaten up in cities like Amsterdam, and chased away in other places, transsexuals gone into hiding, and intersexuals nowhere to be seen (in the Netherlands and Germany combined I'm the only intersexual person with a website), it is more of a Hell hole than one could have imagined. I know that it has taken me a long time to finally acknowledge this truth, and it is with a saddened heart that I'll leave this country which I once considered to be my own forever behind me.
What awaits me in Australia? Assuming that my visa application gets approved without issues, I'll be arranging a job and a place to live during the coming months with the assistance from various friends and their contacts. So far things seem to be working out relatively smoothly there. Main concern the coming time will be to cover the financial side. My insurance company received a third request for full coverage of electrolysis therapy yesterday, this time using 'transsexuality' as the reason since 'intersexuality' is not in the list of known conditions the government provides. My current GP thought this was ridiculous as well, especially considering that it's technically the same thing in this case and there aren't that many applications.
Assuming this request gets approved I'll get over 4,000 Euro, which should help me finance the whole operation. I'll also be working more than ever on finishing up Nyanko's first PC videogame together with my esteemed colleague. Releasing this game before I migrate will increase my funds significantly, will give me some room in my schedule since the project will be finished, and above all I feel I have the obligation to my colleague since he has put his heart and soul into the game and the game engine and tools behind it. I'd be a horrible person if I would drop the project and only focus on my own happiness.
I could never be happy at the cost of others. This is also why I'm hoping that I'll get a lot of support in Australia, from the intersex movement and others, so that I'll soon find my own place. I have already contacted the Australian media in the hope that they have an interest in my story and reasons for coming to Australia. Others need to know what has happened the past 6.5 years. For theirs and my sake, as well as that of those like me. At least that way the years I have sacrificed will have had some purpose.
Maya
Last week I took the decision after much consideration and consulting various friends and other knowledgeable contacts that I would be moving, permanently, away from the Netherlands and settle in Australia. Today I filed for a work visa. The expectation is that I'll be departing for Australia by August at the latest.
Why Australia? For one it has sexual diversity acknowledged in its laws, it's also very tolerant of people who are 'different', has an intersexuality movement, many clinics specializing in such conditions and even a politician who is intersexual and is fighting for the rights of intersexuals and such. The contrast with the Dutch politicians who prefer to pretend that there's no such thing as intersexuality and would rather that transsexuals and homosexuals didn't exist either.
People from outside Europe with whom I have talked about the difficulties I have encountered here in the Netherlands due to my medical condition have expressed shock and disbelief. The general assumption seems to be that the Netherlands is a beacon of tolerance and respect, while this couldn't be farther removed from the truth. With homosexuals regularly getting beaten up in cities like Amsterdam, and chased away in other places, transsexuals gone into hiding, and intersexuals nowhere to be seen (in the Netherlands and Germany combined I'm the only intersexual person with a website), it is more of a Hell hole than one could have imagined. I know that it has taken me a long time to finally acknowledge this truth, and it is with a saddened heart that I'll leave this country which I once considered to be my own forever behind me.
What awaits me in Australia? Assuming that my visa application gets approved without issues, I'll be arranging a job and a place to live during the coming months with the assistance from various friends and their contacts. So far things seem to be working out relatively smoothly there. Main concern the coming time will be to cover the financial side. My insurance company received a third request for full coverage of electrolysis therapy yesterday, this time using 'transsexuality' as the reason since 'intersexuality' is not in the list of known conditions the government provides. My current GP thought this was ridiculous as well, especially considering that it's technically the same thing in this case and there aren't that many applications.
Assuming this request gets approved I'll get over 4,000 Euro, which should help me finance the whole operation. I'll also be working more than ever on finishing up Nyanko's first PC videogame together with my esteemed colleague. Releasing this game before I migrate will increase my funds significantly, will give me some room in my schedule since the project will be finished, and above all I feel I have the obligation to my colleague since he has put his heart and soul into the game and the game engine and tools behind it. I'd be a horrible person if I would drop the project and only focus on my own happiness.
I could never be happy at the cost of others. This is also why I'm hoping that I'll get a lot of support in Australia, from the intersex movement and others, so that I'll soon find my own place. I have already contacted the Australian media in the hope that they have an interest in my story and reasons for coming to Australia. Others need to know what has happened the past 6.5 years. For theirs and my sake, as well as that of those like me. At least that way the years I have sacrificed will have had some purpose.
Maya
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