Many years ago, before the full onset of puberty, I had this horrible abdominal cramp which necessitated me to be carried to the local doctor. The pain had lasted for a while by then, rendering me unable to walk or move much. However, by the time I was at the doctor's office the pain had subsided and it was dismissed as anything serious with no examinations performed. The years after that I would have those severe abdominal pains on a semi-regular basis until at some point into puberty I didn't recall them being that noticeable any more.
Of my physical condition before 2005 I do not recall much, as I was disjointed from my body to the point where I lost much of my sense of smell and hearing due to severe dissociation. What I do recall of the years since then is the frequent sensation of discomfort in my abdomen. The last few years especially, with an onset of burning pain in my lower abdomen, focused primarily on the area between the torso and the beginning of the legs as well in the nether regions, around the location of the vagina. The skin in that area will be sore and painful to the touch. After a few days this will subside again only to pop up later. Whether this occurs on a monthly basis I'm not sure.
There's also the regular bouts of nausea mostly in the morning but also suddenly during the day which seem to be linked to those periods of pain. Add to that a craving for different foods (mostly sweets and snacks) and a strong sense of irritation and being on the verge of bursting out in tears. Yesterday I nearly lost it when a chocolate bar wrapper refused to relinquish its contents. Despite sleeping well I'm tired during the day. I'm quite certain that in a few days this will have passed again.
Everything put together, there is the definite possibility that I have ovarian tissue and with it something resembling a menstrual cycle. The undeveloped testicles which were removed weren't ovatestes as is common with hermaphrodites. No research has been performed on variations in my hormonal levels, nor on the state or functionality of my closed-off vagina. With Dutch physicians outright denying that I am a hermaphrodite or even intersex, that's just not going to happen either.
It does put me into a pickle, however. First of all I feel bitter about not having been taken seriously as a child, secondly I feel sad and filled with despair as I realize that a) I know I'm unlikely to ever find a physician caring enough to perform the necessary research and b) I am quite aware of the risks of having a menstrual cycle if any tissue involved in creating the womb's lining is present. This can lead to Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) if the right (wrong) bacteria find their way into it, much like with those deaths from tampons a long time ago.
On one hand I shouldn't even think about these things, just suffer through these PMS-like symptoms every month as I'm not going to get medical help. On the other hand it turns my life into a game of Russian Roulette. Every time I feel a sudden stab of pain in my abdomen or nether regions which has me buckling over in pain it leaves me wondering how serious it is.
Feeling like crying in utter frustration now...
Maya
Showing posts with label chocolate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chocolate. Show all posts
Sunday, 28 July 2013
Thursday, 14 May 2009
Missing The Child Inside
So yesterday's gym time went pretty well. My gym girl didn't show up, though, because she got detained at her work for longer than expected. I did some exercises together with a couple and my regular trainer, however, like I did on Monday as well. The guy was pretty lazy, though, and quit after a while. The girl was pretty impressed at my 80 kg with the leg press compared to her 30 kg. Afterwards we all drank some tea and chatted a bit. By the time I got home, however, I noticed that I had developed a pretty serious headache again.
After taking a shower and chatting with Pieter a bit we both went to bed. By then it was already near midnight, yet I still read a few chapters in my book (second part of the Icewind Dale Trilogy) before I went to sleep. After a few moments already I could feel the dark thoughts stirring inside me, resulting in new record in emotional breakdowns. It really felt as though I was being torn apart inside. I managed however to keep the volume down so as not to wake Pieter, as well as prevent any physical harm to myself. Ironically these breakdowns are quite a good work-out for nearly all muscles in my body.
I fell asleep at around 1 AM, to wake up again at around 3 AM, went to the bathroom, drank some water and fell asleep again at around 4 AM to wake up at around 5 AM, after which I just dozed a bit until Pieter dragged me out of bed shortly after 8 AM. I whined a lot about how miserable I felt, of course, plus how I don't exist and am nothing and such. At the very least even the mirror was clear about how I looked absolutely tired.
In my initial sleep-deprived state I was able to concentrate quite well on my work, until I began to feel exhausted again. Yet as I had promised Pieter to try not to sleep during the day, I resisted this and instead watched some anime series. I had already watched the new Bleach episode (219) during breakfast (muesli + yogurt) and decided to finish watching the last five episodes of the Kanon 2006 remake as well.
I'm still not entirely decided on whether I like the original Kanon anime series more or less than the remake. Both have some points I like, with the remake especially having more character development, also made possible by the fact that the first series was 13 episodes and the new one 24. There's been a few years (4+) since I last watched the full original Kanon series, so it's hard to judge the emotional effect both series had on me. I do remember crying like a little girl at the original series every time I watched it, though.
During the remake I had a few heart-wrenching moments too, but not as intense. Perhaps I have just been desensitized a bit, though the (* * * SPOILER * * *) scene where Shiori is on the verge of committing suicide as well as some subsequent scenes involving her did evoke some strong feelings of sympathy in me. In her case she wanted to commit suicide because she was suffering from an illness which would soon claim her life. I experience my situation somewhat similar, in that having no identity is the illness I have been cursed with, causing a similar level of suffering when it comes to finding fulfilment in life with regards to friends and social situations due to the limitations of one's body.
Anyway, after finishing that series I went for another bathroom break and saw in the mirror the one thing which keeps terrifying me: the sight of my adult self. I have always known it, but now I think I should just confess that I was wrong or lying when I said that I was still a child emotionally until a few years ago. The truth of the matter is that I'm still that child. It seems so obvious now that without knowing the identity of my adult body I could ever grow emotionally into an adult. While the rational side of one's mind does just fine without such trivialities, for the emotional growth it is essential.
Most of the time I hide this truth from my conscious self, allowing me to see myself as something... not an adult, not really a child either, but something neutral. Something which looks feminine, yet without the certainty behind it of knowing what it is exactly that I see. When I see my adult self, however, I see an adult who has no clue who or what he/she/it/whatever is, with this confusion taking away any and all joy in its life. That's the entire issue with my youth too; I have never known what I am, ergo I do not know how to deal with my youth, not when I was experiencing it and not now. It's all a mystery, and I bloody hate it.
I can experience it every day in all my perceptions; while rationally I'm still as interested as ever in intellectual pursuits, my emotional side hasn't progressed at all since 2005. Today this veil of child-like innocence (or ignorance) was pulled away, showing me how unprepared I truly am to deal with the emotional responsibilities of adult life. It scared the hell out of me. I don't want to be an adult, I don't even know what it'd be like other than the few traumatizing encounters the past few years. Yet I also know that I can't stay a child forever. Please, let me know what the identity of my body is already...
While dealing with this painful reminder I cried, or rather my body got wrecked by painful muscle contractions and waves of intense discomfort, while I slowly dragged myself through the house, trying to find some place where I could calm down a bit. In the end I found it at the top of the stairs. Now that I think about it, it seems like a somewhat symbolical location.
After letting out all the frustrations and pain, I dragged myself downstairs to my bed, read a few chapters in my book and then immediately fell into a really deep sleep from which I awoke 1.5 hours later when Pieter returned home from his work. When Pieter entered my room to drag me downstairs for dinner, he thought I had been carving myself up again with my nails, but it turned out to be merely the dried up traces of my tears. For some reason my right arm was lame for like ten minutes after I woke up.
Happier news today is that I finally received the pills for my hormone therapy I ordered a month ago. It's always a relief when they arrive, as I don't get a second chance at ordering them before my supply runs out.
Right now I'm feeling relatively okay. Just gorged down about a hundred grams of pure chocolate while watching the new Mythbusters episode. Chocolate is good. Chocolate makes one feel happy~
I'm grateful that tonight I can take another sleeping pill, though. I have come to love and hate sleep at the same time. I love how it allows me to get away from the pain for a few hours, yet I hate going to sleep and waking up, especially waking up during the night. Long live forgetfulness.
Maya
After taking a shower and chatting with Pieter a bit we both went to bed. By then it was already near midnight, yet I still read a few chapters in my book (second part of the Icewind Dale Trilogy) before I went to sleep. After a few moments already I could feel the dark thoughts stirring inside me, resulting in new record in emotional breakdowns. It really felt as though I was being torn apart inside. I managed however to keep the volume down so as not to wake Pieter, as well as prevent any physical harm to myself. Ironically these breakdowns are quite a good work-out for nearly all muscles in my body.
I fell asleep at around 1 AM, to wake up again at around 3 AM, went to the bathroom, drank some water and fell asleep again at around 4 AM to wake up at around 5 AM, after which I just dozed a bit until Pieter dragged me out of bed shortly after 8 AM. I whined a lot about how miserable I felt, of course, plus how I don't exist and am nothing and such. At the very least even the mirror was clear about how I looked absolutely tired.
In my initial sleep-deprived state I was able to concentrate quite well on my work, until I began to feel exhausted again. Yet as I had promised Pieter to try not to sleep during the day, I resisted this and instead watched some anime series. I had already watched the new Bleach episode (219) during breakfast (muesli + yogurt) and decided to finish watching the last five episodes of the Kanon 2006 remake as well.
I'm still not entirely decided on whether I like the original Kanon anime series more or less than the remake. Both have some points I like, with the remake especially having more character development, also made possible by the fact that the first series was 13 episodes and the new one 24. There's been a few years (4+) since I last watched the full original Kanon series, so it's hard to judge the emotional effect both series had on me. I do remember crying like a little girl at the original series every time I watched it, though.
During the remake I had a few heart-wrenching moments too, but not as intense. Perhaps I have just been desensitized a bit, though the (* * * SPOILER * * *) scene where Shiori is on the verge of committing suicide as well as some subsequent scenes involving her did evoke some strong feelings of sympathy in me. In her case she wanted to commit suicide because she was suffering from an illness which would soon claim her life. I experience my situation somewhat similar, in that having no identity is the illness I have been cursed with, causing a similar level of suffering when it comes to finding fulfilment in life with regards to friends and social situations due to the limitations of one's body.
Anyway, after finishing that series I went for another bathroom break and saw in the mirror the one thing which keeps terrifying me: the sight of my adult self. I have always known it, but now I think I should just confess that I was wrong or lying when I said that I was still a child emotionally until a few years ago. The truth of the matter is that I'm still that child. It seems so obvious now that without knowing the identity of my adult body I could ever grow emotionally into an adult. While the rational side of one's mind does just fine without such trivialities, for the emotional growth it is essential.
Most of the time I hide this truth from my conscious self, allowing me to see myself as something... not an adult, not really a child either, but something neutral. Something which looks feminine, yet without the certainty behind it of knowing what it is exactly that I see. When I see my adult self, however, I see an adult who has no clue who or what he/she/it/whatever is, with this confusion taking away any and all joy in its life. That's the entire issue with my youth too; I have never known what I am, ergo I do not know how to deal with my youth, not when I was experiencing it and not now. It's all a mystery, and I bloody hate it.
I can experience it every day in all my perceptions; while rationally I'm still as interested as ever in intellectual pursuits, my emotional side hasn't progressed at all since 2005. Today this veil of child-like innocence (or ignorance) was pulled away, showing me how unprepared I truly am to deal with the emotional responsibilities of adult life. It scared the hell out of me. I don't want to be an adult, I don't even know what it'd be like other than the few traumatizing encounters the past few years. Yet I also know that I can't stay a child forever. Please, let me know what the identity of my body is already...
While dealing with this painful reminder I cried, or rather my body got wrecked by painful muscle contractions and waves of intense discomfort, while I slowly dragged myself through the house, trying to find some place where I could calm down a bit. In the end I found it at the top of the stairs. Now that I think about it, it seems like a somewhat symbolical location.
After letting out all the frustrations and pain, I dragged myself downstairs to my bed, read a few chapters in my book and then immediately fell into a really deep sleep from which I awoke 1.5 hours later when Pieter returned home from his work. When Pieter entered my room to drag me downstairs for dinner, he thought I had been carving myself up again with my nails, but it turned out to be merely the dried up traces of my tears. For some reason my right arm was lame for like ten minutes after I woke up.
Happier news today is that I finally received the pills for my hormone therapy I ordered a month ago. It's always a relief when they arrive, as I don't get a second chance at ordering them before my supply runs out.
Right now I'm feeling relatively okay. Just gorged down about a hundred grams of pure chocolate while watching the new Mythbusters episode. Chocolate is good. Chocolate makes one feel happy~
I'm grateful that tonight I can take another sleeping pill, though. I have come to love and hate sleep at the same time. I love how it allows me to get away from the pain for a few hours, yet I hate going to sleep and waking up, especially waking up during the night. Long live forgetfulness.
Maya
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
A Tour Of My Work~
In a few hours from now I'll have my second appointment with a psychologist, but that's not what I want to talk about right now. Instead I would like to detail some of the more relevant projects and such I'm working on at the moment. While most details will probably only interest about 0.1% of those who read my blog, I'd nevertheless like to blabber on about things which really interest me. Yes, I'm a geek :D
First of all I just started work on the NT4-style USB stack for the ReactOS Open Source project ( www.reactos.org ), a free Windows clone. After completing this I'll move on to creating an NT5-style (Win2k/XP) USB stack, followed by Firewire support as well. Thanks to generous donations to the ReactOS project this work even gets me a bit of money (few Euro/week, but still). If you'd like to donate to me, but see something back for it as well, you could donate to USB support in ReactOS instead ;) At this point the money I'd get from donations would be enough to work a paid 8-16 hours a month on ReactOS (6-12 Euro/hour). A few 10 Euro donations would allow me to work on this project a lot more :)
Related, I'm still working on ReactOS-Synthesis, which is the project to merge Windows with ReactOS files, thus expanding its functionality using Open Source components. Some of the things one could do this way is to add functionality to Windows which otherwise wouldn't be available. It'd also allow one to keep for example Windows XP up-to-date so that one doesn't have to buy Vista or the upcoming Windows 7 to get the latest features (and extra bloat...). Just in my work on the ReactOS USB stack I have already noticed that the Windows XP USB stack omits quite a few things in the USB specification (some were added later in service packs). It'd be nice to add such features oneself instead of having to wait for Microsoft to graciously add those features in an SP (after a year or so).
A side-project I'm researching is putting a VHDL/Verilog simulator together. Current simulators aren't that great, not to mention feature bloody expensive licenses (think tens of thousands of euros per license). An existing Open Source simulator (GHDL) is usable, but very limited. I'm looking into writing a simulator together with Pieter at this point. In his work he uses such tools a lot and thus knows exactly what he'd like to see in one :)
Trevor is at this moment putting the final touches on a level editor for our game engine, which'd finally allow us to easily construct our games. I've got a few game scripts ready already and am currently revising a draft of the first game we'll be working on. I'll soon add an entry for it on the Nyanko.ws site. This latter site will also see a complete refresh by next month, in time for the Beta testing of our first game and its release before the end of the year. Right now we're also working on expanding the company. In particular we're looking for graphical artists (for e.g. concept art) and 3D modeling people (3D Studio & Maya), audio people (music, sound effects) as well as Alpha/Beta testers (somewhat less urgent right now :) ).
I'm setting up an intranet right now to support this expansion featuring an SSH forwarding server and various servers including HTTP, FTP, SVN, SQL and others. I'm basing it on the approach used by Pieter's company, AimCom, as it seemed like a sensible approach when I saw him use it the past months.
In other news, I'm waiting for some money from a web development job to arrive this month and am about to start on a new one, featuring porting a Joomla patch to the latest version. I also was working on a website for a Malaysian company, but with no response to my latest emails I've decided to pause work on this project. For a Norwegian customer I'm working on a site, though, which'll be done this month.
I could still use more paid projects, though. There are some freelancing sites to advertise one's services, but if any of you know of some web- or software development work, don't hesitate to recommend my services ^_^
Alright, that's enough for now... it's noon and I haven't even had breakfast yet unless you count that piece of chocolate I had earlier. Need some real food now :P
Maya
First of all I just started work on the NT4-style USB stack for the ReactOS Open Source project ( www.reactos.org ), a free Windows clone. After completing this I'll move on to creating an NT5-style (Win2k/XP) USB stack, followed by Firewire support as well. Thanks to generous donations to the ReactOS project this work even gets me a bit of money (few Euro/week, but still). If you'd like to donate to me, but see something back for it as well, you could donate to USB support in ReactOS instead ;) At this point the money I'd get from donations would be enough to work a paid 8-16 hours a month on ReactOS (6-12 Euro/hour). A few 10 Euro donations would allow me to work on this project a lot more :)
Related, I'm still working on ReactOS-Synthesis, which is the project to merge Windows with ReactOS files, thus expanding its functionality using Open Source components. Some of the things one could do this way is to add functionality to Windows which otherwise wouldn't be available. It'd also allow one to keep for example Windows XP up-to-date so that one doesn't have to buy Vista or the upcoming Windows 7 to get the latest features (and extra bloat...). Just in my work on the ReactOS USB stack I have already noticed that the Windows XP USB stack omits quite a few things in the USB specification (some were added later in service packs). It'd be nice to add such features oneself instead of having to wait for Microsoft to graciously add those features in an SP (after a year or so).
A side-project I'm researching is putting a VHDL/Verilog simulator together. Current simulators aren't that great, not to mention feature bloody expensive licenses (think tens of thousands of euros per license). An existing Open Source simulator (GHDL) is usable, but very limited. I'm looking into writing a simulator together with Pieter at this point. In his work he uses such tools a lot and thus knows exactly what he'd like to see in one :)
Trevor is at this moment putting the final touches on a level editor for our game engine, which'd finally allow us to easily construct our games. I've got a few game scripts ready already and am currently revising a draft of the first game we'll be working on. I'll soon add an entry for it on the Nyanko.ws site. This latter site will also see a complete refresh by next month, in time for the Beta testing of our first game and its release before the end of the year. Right now we're also working on expanding the company. In particular we're looking for graphical artists (for e.g. concept art) and 3D modeling people (3D Studio & Maya), audio people (music, sound effects) as well as Alpha/Beta testers (somewhat less urgent right now :) ).
I'm setting up an intranet right now to support this expansion featuring an SSH forwarding server and various servers including HTTP, FTP, SVN, SQL and others. I'm basing it on the approach used by Pieter's company, AimCom, as it seemed like a sensible approach when I saw him use it the past months.
In other news, I'm waiting for some money from a web development job to arrive this month and am about to start on a new one, featuring porting a Joomla patch to the latest version. I also was working on a website for a Malaysian company, but with no response to my latest emails I've decided to pause work on this project. For a Norwegian customer I'm working on a site, though, which'll be done this month.
I could still use more paid projects, though. There are some freelancing sites to advertise one's services, but if any of you know of some web- or software development work, don't hesitate to recommend my services ^_^
Alright, that's enough for now... it's noon and I haven't even had breakfast yet unless you count that piece of chocolate I had earlier. Need some real food now :P
Maya
Sunday, 8 June 2008
More Changes...
Yup, it's yet another totally generic and non-descriptive blog post title~ don't you just love them? :) Sorry for the overload of sarcasm and other joyful exclamations in this post. The past two days I've slept around 11 hours each and yet I'm feeling totally exhausted right now. Amazing isn't it? You could just scrape me off my chair and put me to bed without a struggle.
Talking about scraping off... the weather these past days has been gruesome. You know it's warm when you have to literally pry yourself off your chair's seat and cringe in pain because your underwear has decided to merge with your skin. Lots of fun. The melted chocolate is a horrible thing too. Going outside? Are you crazy, the sun burnsss usss~ @_@
So I finally got the long-expected money from Norway. Not a moment too soon. I finally got to pay Pieter for my stay at his place plus some other debts, and I've got money for the hair-removal treatment on Wednesday. I should get a new web development job next week for a Dutch travel company as well. I hope it works out.
Also next week... the reply from the German clinic about the MRI scan images. If it's a positive result I get to wrestle with my insurance company, if it's negative I'll have to get another scan to make sure nothing got messed up in the mess which accompanied the current images (Privatescan no longer works with the clinic where they were made and such). I think it's ridiculous that I get an initial positive MRI report and then only negative ones based on supposedly the same images. Talking about things which drive one to just give up...
Anyway, earlier today I sent some emails to national public TV channels, to see whether they're interested in my story, with a focus on the terrible Dutch 'health care' system and the lack of knowledge and understanding regarding intersexual people. I hope I get some positive responses from them. Else there are the commercial channels to try as well.
I'm still working on the community site... it's taking me a lot longer than expected, mostly because my sensitivity regarding things which trigger my traumas has become a lot lower. It's getting so bad now that someone just has to mention something related to sexuality or relationships and there's a good chance it'll knock me out for an hour at least. At this rate I'm not getting more than 1-2 hours of work done every day.
Perhaps I should just cut myself off from all non-essential communications...
Maya
Talking about scraping off... the weather these past days has been gruesome. You know it's warm when you have to literally pry yourself off your chair's seat and cringe in pain because your underwear has decided to merge with your skin. Lots of fun. The melted chocolate is a horrible thing too. Going outside? Are you crazy, the sun burnsss usss~ @_@
So I finally got the long-expected money from Norway. Not a moment too soon. I finally got to pay Pieter for my stay at his place plus some other debts, and I've got money for the hair-removal treatment on Wednesday. I should get a new web development job next week for a Dutch travel company as well. I hope it works out.
Also next week... the reply from the German clinic about the MRI scan images. If it's a positive result I get to wrestle with my insurance company, if it's negative I'll have to get another scan to make sure nothing got messed up in the mess which accompanied the current images (Privatescan no longer works with the clinic where they were made and such). I think it's ridiculous that I get an initial positive MRI report and then only negative ones based on supposedly the same images. Talking about things which drive one to just give up...
Anyway, earlier today I sent some emails to national public TV channels, to see whether they're interested in my story, with a focus on the terrible Dutch 'health care' system and the lack of knowledge and understanding regarding intersexual people. I hope I get some positive responses from them. Else there are the commercial channels to try as well.
I'm still working on the community site... it's taking me a lot longer than expected, mostly because my sensitivity regarding things which trigger my traumas has become a lot lower. It's getting so bad now that someone just has to mention something related to sexuality or relationships and there's a good chance it'll knock me out for an hour at least. At this rate I'm not getting more than 1-2 hours of work done every day.
Perhaps I should just cut myself off from all non-essential communications...
Maya
Monday, 10 March 2008
Work-A-Holic~
So yesterday went a bit different from what I expected. Main problem was that I began feeling tired again shortly after arriving at B's place. I've been napping for around 2 hours every day for weeks now, and that day was no exception. It's no fun trying to teach someone anything when you just want to curl up on a soft bed and sleep for a few hours.
B's mom was at B's place as well, and during our conversation we came at a point where I felt I should just tell her about my 'secret'. She dealt with it really well, and then I learned that she works at a hospital here in the Netherlands, the Erasmus MC in Rotterdam. She expressed interest in helping me find help and so we exchanged email addresses and I emailed her a copy of the MRI scan report the same day. Hopefully she can find some good contacts :)
By the end of yesterday I was completely worn out, and felt a bit nauseous. I still managed to ride my bicycle home, though. Once home I began to feel somewhat light-headed, however, and after a quick check it seemed that I had developed a mild fever. This morning it seemed to have passed mostly, though my body temperature still seems to be a bit out of control, with me feeling overly warm during the day, even outside. I hope I'll feel fine tomorrow as I've got a busy schedule.
First thing tomorrow is the ELOS hair-removal treatment, which is a method I haven't tried before, so I'm really excited to learn what it can do for me. It should work a lot better on light hairs than IPL, so I'm understandably kind of excited :)
Next up is an appointment with my physician, who should have received my file by now and read it. Hopefully she can help me find a specialist willing to help me. I'm mildly optimistic about this appointment.
A big worry I'm dealing with at the moment is money. Although I'll get a decent sum of money from my freelancing work in Norway this month, I must ensure to get a stable income as soon as possible, which means that I have to work like crazy. In other words there's no way I'm going to educate anyone for free in web development or such, nor will I be wasting time on anything whatsoever.
Fortunately my desire to work seems to be returning now that emotionally things seem to be settling down. I still should avoid situations which might distract me, as it's emotionally rather taxing to divert the negative energy every time some trauma or such gets triggered. The fact that lately I've been sleeping about 2 hours during the day, usually after lunch simply because I'd feel completely drained and unable to concentrate on anything is a definite sign that things haven't settled down yet.
So anyway, it's work-a-holic time for me, accompanied by eating lots of chocolate ;)
Maya
B's mom was at B's place as well, and during our conversation we came at a point where I felt I should just tell her about my 'secret'. She dealt with it really well, and then I learned that she works at a hospital here in the Netherlands, the Erasmus MC in Rotterdam. She expressed interest in helping me find help and so we exchanged email addresses and I emailed her a copy of the MRI scan report the same day. Hopefully she can find some good contacts :)
By the end of yesterday I was completely worn out, and felt a bit nauseous. I still managed to ride my bicycle home, though. Once home I began to feel somewhat light-headed, however, and after a quick check it seemed that I had developed a mild fever. This morning it seemed to have passed mostly, though my body temperature still seems to be a bit out of control, with me feeling overly warm during the day, even outside. I hope I'll feel fine tomorrow as I've got a busy schedule.
First thing tomorrow is the ELOS hair-removal treatment, which is a method I haven't tried before, so I'm really excited to learn what it can do for me. It should work a lot better on light hairs than IPL, so I'm understandably kind of excited :)
Next up is an appointment with my physician, who should have received my file by now and read it. Hopefully she can help me find a specialist willing to help me. I'm mildly optimistic about this appointment.
A big worry I'm dealing with at the moment is money. Although I'll get a decent sum of money from my freelancing work in Norway this month, I must ensure to get a stable income as soon as possible, which means that I have to work like crazy. In other words there's no way I'm going to educate anyone for free in web development or such, nor will I be wasting time on anything whatsoever.
Fortunately my desire to work seems to be returning now that emotionally things seem to be settling down. I still should avoid situations which might distract me, as it's emotionally rather taxing to divert the negative energy every time some trauma or such gets triggered. The fact that lately I've been sleeping about 2 hours during the day, usually after lunch simply because I'd feel completely drained and unable to concentrate on anything is a definite sign that things haven't settled down yet.
So anyway, it's work-a-holic time for me, accompanied by eating lots of chocolate ;)
Maya
Thursday, 14 February 2008
Where Did Today Vanish Off To?
Seriously, despite waking up at 8 AM this morning and it being nearly midnight now, I feel as though I've done seriously close to nothing. Most noteworthy has to be the fact that I watched some speed runs of games (Fable and Zelda: Ocarina of Time), and did some more work on my own version of OoT's story. Yes, I love writing stories :)
I put together the fairy statue my friend bought me before I went back to the Netherlands. It's standing on my desk now, but will find a really pretty place on a shelf once I'm in my room in Almere. I really can't wait on Monday, it seriously seems like an eternity. I still feel strangely elated, however, with things finally appearing to have fallen into place and nothing big to arrange anymore. The prospect of being homeless really frightens me, I guess.
Today I also spent at least an hour on dressing myself up in the clothes and such I'll be wearing next Saturday, during the family gathering. I'm fairly sure most of the people there will have no idea what to expect to see, even if they've been informed about me already, so I intend to make sure this first impression after 10+ years is a favourable one :D
I haven't heard anything back from the moving company yet. I wish they'd confirm the date on which they'll give me back my things. I'll be so glad once that is all taken care of, not to mention that I'll finally know what the financial damage is for this joke. At least I won't have to pay much rent, so I won't go for Ultra-Broke (tm) just yet.
I also finally got a copy of the Dutch newspaper with the article about me, as published on December 29th, 2007. As I suspected no link to my blog was included, despite the assurance by the journalist girl that it'd be added. I asked her about this and also whether this'd be corrected in future publications. I think I'll get a response tomorrow. Things like this are just annoying.
Today I napped for about 3 hours and had dozens of small dreams, some of which took place in the house where I lived from when I was about 2 years old until I was 20. They were all 'airy' and generally carefree dreams, which is a good sign. The only thing I really could use more of these days is chocolate. Piles and piles of bars of pure chocolate. Yes, I'm a chocolate addict :P
Happy chocolate-filled dreams~
Maya
I put together the fairy statue my friend bought me before I went back to the Netherlands. It's standing on my desk now, but will find a really pretty place on a shelf once I'm in my room in Almere. I really can't wait on Monday, it seriously seems like an eternity. I still feel strangely elated, however, with things finally appearing to have fallen into place and nothing big to arrange anymore. The prospect of being homeless really frightens me, I guess.
Today I also spent at least an hour on dressing myself up in the clothes and such I'll be wearing next Saturday, during the family gathering. I'm fairly sure most of the people there will have no idea what to expect to see, even if they've been informed about me already, so I intend to make sure this first impression after 10+ years is a favourable one :D
I haven't heard anything back from the moving company yet. I wish they'd confirm the date on which they'll give me back my things. I'll be so glad once that is all taken care of, not to mention that I'll finally know what the financial damage is for this joke. At least I won't have to pay much rent, so I won't go for Ultra-Broke (tm) just yet.
I also finally got a copy of the Dutch newspaper with the article about me, as published on December 29th, 2007. As I suspected no link to my blog was included, despite the assurance by the journalist girl that it'd be added. I asked her about this and also whether this'd be corrected in future publications. I think I'll get a response tomorrow. Things like this are just annoying.
Today I napped for about 3 hours and had dozens of small dreams, some of which took place in the house where I lived from when I was about 2 years old until I was 20. They were all 'airy' and generally carefree dreams, which is a good sign. The only thing I really could use more of these days is chocolate. Piles and piles of bars of pure chocolate. Yes, I'm a chocolate addict :P
Happy chocolate-filled dreams~
Maya
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