With parties come the inevitable confrontation with the lives of others, including - naturally - all of the couples. Yesterday's party was another such memorable event. It's a familiar thing to many and thus I won't harp on it too much. To me it's mostly about the implications to me as a person. What it means for me to see couples with their near-constant obsessive fondling and more, for example.
Do I hate seeing couples like that? Does it make me want to yell and throw stuff at them because they Have It, and I Do Not? If only things were that simple, really. While I do remember being together with someone else in a similar fashion and the comfort that brings, mixed with those pleasant memories are also the traumas involving men. Not only involving myself but also others. Then there are the traumas involving girls using me. Then finally the toxic sludge that is the possession of a physical body and the horrible traumas that spawn from this fact, such as sexuality.
I hate bodies, sexuality, couples, men, women, everything related to it. All because it is all in some manner traumatic to me. I feel horrible every day about having a body universally loathed by physicians. About psychologists gleefully trying to brainwash me into believing lies about myself. Society trying to force stereotypes and images on me which just hurt me.
Happiness hurts. That's probably an abstract way to summarise things. My body doesn't provoke happiness for myself, or for others. Nothing I do or say is that important to this other special person. All I struggle with on a daily basis is to stay stable, capable of dealing with daily life and attempt to recover from sudden assaults and setbacks as quickly as possible. Life to me is more like a war. There is no happiness in a war.
To me it's not about being happy. Yes, of course I wouldn't mind finding that wonderful person with whom I could share the rest of my life and be grateful for every moment together. I'd be a complete idiot to mind that. The point I think is more that of facing reality instead of losing oneself in dreams and 'what-ifs'. At this point there is nothing which would warrant me spending energy on finding such a type of happiness. Survival, including staying the hell away from another suicide attempt, is definitely far higher on my priority list.
Maybe some day, when my life no longer is about survival. Until then I'll just have to grit my teeth and ignore those bloody annoying couples flaunting their soggy happiness.
...or maybe I should just be searching for a fellow compatriot instead for this war of mine. It's not like I'm in any form or shape 'normal', nor will my background or future ever be. Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree and that what part of me perceives to be 'happiness' is merely a preprogrammed part of my brain responding and making me believe things. The desire to be 'normal', like everyone else, and 'fit in' is in that regard the obviously wrong approach.
Preprogrammed nonsense or rational thought? Tough one...
Maya
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Sunday, 13 September 2015
Saturday, 1 August 2015
On the sense and nonsense of dating profiles
Occasionally I am reminded of the fact that years ago I created a profile on a well-known dating site. Usually this happens when I get a message from some stranger commenting on something on my profile, someone who just wants to chat, as well as the usual pointless comments by men, usually asking questions which are answered in the profile text. I cannot say that creating this profile has brought me much. Aside from one date with a girl years ago it's been mostly languishing in obscurity.
When I recently got this message from a girl asking whether I'd be interested in a threesome with her boyfriend I had to seriously question why I keep such a profile around when I begin to get such inane spam. Main point being that my profile on this site clearly lists me as a) a woman, and b) only interested in other women. Yet this fact alone seems to elude most visitors to the profile. Only thing which keeps me from deleting the profile outright are the occasional nice messages I receive. And maybe the faint hope that maybe I'll meet my True Love this way.
Of course, one seriously has to question the point of a dating profile when one belongs to - to put it bluntly - a small minority. For the average heterosexual or even bisexual person it's easy pickings. Filtering through the noise of heterosexual chatter is a fairly daunting task, however. And that that's all before one gets to the actual filtering which takes place prior to even selecting a suitable match.
First there is the whole nonsense cliche of 'only the person matters'. Anyone who has even an inkling of reason should be able to see that the very first thing which matters is whether or not the other party matches up with the pre-programmed part of one's brain which indicates whether said party has a suitable configuration of reproductive and related organs. After that pre-programmed and societal norms for fitness and beauty filter this result even further.
Only after this lengthy pre-selection process can one begin to criticise a person as just that: a person. Of course, to many this is also the 'optional' section of finding a mate, as their genes and society have clearly marked this match as being acceptable. Cue the high-school-style relationship dramas.
Taking all of this into account, I realize that my initial filtering leaves only lesbian and bisexual women, filtered on Very Secret criteria for beauty and such fluff. In end effect, with only a few percent of the population as input, this filtering leaves a fairly marginal number of individuals. Since I'm also fairly picky about the personality of someone I'd have to spend more than a considerable amount of time with, this list will then dwindle even further, until my chances of winning every lottery in the world simultaneously start looking pretty darn good.
Naturally, only then do I remember that I'm just a cynical bastard who doesn't even believe in love and who will most likely live out her days in solitude. Not like I'd wish to inflict sharing my life upon someone else, anyway. That having a dating profile is practically an exercise in futility seems like a pretty small issue in comparison.
Thus I conclude that keeping this dating profile around is merely an expression of cynicism and indication of the whole futility of the dating business. I'm okay with that.
Maya
When I recently got this message from a girl asking whether I'd be interested in a threesome with her boyfriend I had to seriously question why I keep such a profile around when I begin to get such inane spam. Main point being that my profile on this site clearly lists me as a) a woman, and b) only interested in other women. Yet this fact alone seems to elude most visitors to the profile. Only thing which keeps me from deleting the profile outright are the occasional nice messages I receive. And maybe the faint hope that maybe I'll meet my True Love this way.
Of course, one seriously has to question the point of a dating profile when one belongs to - to put it bluntly - a small minority. For the average heterosexual or even bisexual person it's easy pickings. Filtering through the noise of heterosexual chatter is a fairly daunting task, however. And that that's all before one gets to the actual filtering which takes place prior to even selecting a suitable match.
First there is the whole nonsense cliche of 'only the person matters'. Anyone who has even an inkling of reason should be able to see that the very first thing which matters is whether or not the other party matches up with the pre-programmed part of one's brain which indicates whether said party has a suitable configuration of reproductive and related organs. After that pre-programmed and societal norms for fitness and beauty filter this result even further.
Only after this lengthy pre-selection process can one begin to criticise a person as just that: a person. Of course, to many this is also the 'optional' section of finding a mate, as their genes and society have clearly marked this match as being acceptable. Cue the high-school-style relationship dramas.
Taking all of this into account, I realize that my initial filtering leaves only lesbian and bisexual women, filtered on Very Secret criteria for beauty and such fluff. In end effect, with only a few percent of the population as input, this filtering leaves a fairly marginal number of individuals. Since I'm also fairly picky about the personality of someone I'd have to spend more than a considerable amount of time with, this list will then dwindle even further, until my chances of winning every lottery in the world simultaneously start looking pretty darn good.
Naturally, only then do I remember that I'm just a cynical bastard who doesn't even believe in love and who will most likely live out her days in solitude. Not like I'd wish to inflict sharing my life upon someone else, anyway. That having a dating profile is practically an exercise in futility seems like a pretty small issue in comparison.
Thus I conclude that keeping this dating profile around is merely an expression of cynicism and indication of the whole futility of the dating business. I'm okay with that.
Maya
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
Pattern Repetition
Yesterday went pretty much as planned. The shooting at the beauty salon went off smoothly, we arrived back at my place in time, did an interview there, then we all left for the UMCG hospital. That's where the original planning kind of ended and turned into more of a 'we'll see' kind of thing. Nothing could have prepared any of us for what happened during the appointment, though.
During the previous appointment Pieter and I had gotten the distinct impression that during yesterday's appointment I'd undergo extensive testing to once and for establish what this something I feel down there actually is. Is it a vagina or something else, basically. What really happened was that only the urologist was present and he explained to us before the examination that he would be performing only the two examinations I already knew about. At that point I realized that this examination would be limited to just determining whether I have a prostate or not.
In short, yes there is a prostate, a really tiny one. Supposedly it's consistent with the hormone therapy I'm using, but the urologist was not able to provide an explanation for why it doesn't work, if it ever did so. There was no mention of a prostate functioning examination. The anesthetic used during the examination of the inside of the urinary tract also turned out to affect me pretty badly after the examination. I had already gotten dressed and was listening to the urologist talking when I noticed I was starting to feel really sick, with sweat covering me, a fuzzy feeling, a general feeling of nausea and blurry vision at some points. The urologist said the anesthetic shouldn't have such an effect, though. I guess I imagined that as well.
After leaving the urology center, Pieter and I encountered the TV crew downstairs and informed them of what had occurred during the appointment. They were as flabbergasted and surprised as we were. After I began to feel less physically ill, we did another interview, talking about the results of the examination, what would happen next and how we felt about it.
There are two sides to this last appointment. The first being that it doesn't really mean or explain anything. There's no explanation for why I have a non-functional prostate, or gained any other relevant facts, ergo it was a fairly useless examination. The other side is that I once again feel like I'm not being taken seriously, pretty much like with every other previous appointment at any hospital before this one. There's also the very real possibility that the UMCG hospital won't offer to do any more examinations or tests after this last series.
Pieter sent Weijmar Schultz an email on this, and a few other topics. Basically the questions were whether this last appointment was really meant to be as brief, whether there will be another series of examinations, what happened to the promise by the radiologist to sent MRI images of males showing the same structure previously indicated by the German clinics as being a vagina, and whether the UMCG via Jiawan is going to help me find an EMDR psychotherapist, as it's virtually impossible to find one for Pieter and me with almost none of them even taking on new patients, let alone finding one who is 'right' for me.
Naturally, by the time I got home I pretty much collapsed. I had another paralyzation episode, cried a lot until I finally went to bed. At least there seems to be progress on another point, namely the whole dating thing of Pieter. I seem to finally have grasped emotionally that I'm just a friend and a guest in this place and that this is the role I should follow. I have completely relied on Pieter to support me emotionally and this is why it is/was so hard for me to take a few steps back.
Some part of me still wishes vehemently that I had a person I could fall back on like that, yet the prospect of me having a successful date which results in a happy, long-term relationship is about as bright as the dark side of the moon.
I guess that solitude is still where it's at. My old friend.
Maya
During the previous appointment Pieter and I had gotten the distinct impression that during yesterday's appointment I'd undergo extensive testing to once and for establish what this something I feel down there actually is. Is it a vagina or something else, basically. What really happened was that only the urologist was present and he explained to us before the examination that he would be performing only the two examinations I already knew about. At that point I realized that this examination would be limited to just determining whether I have a prostate or not.
In short, yes there is a prostate, a really tiny one. Supposedly it's consistent with the hormone therapy I'm using, but the urologist was not able to provide an explanation for why it doesn't work, if it ever did so. There was no mention of a prostate functioning examination. The anesthetic used during the examination of the inside of the urinary tract also turned out to affect me pretty badly after the examination. I had already gotten dressed and was listening to the urologist talking when I noticed I was starting to feel really sick, with sweat covering me, a fuzzy feeling, a general feeling of nausea and blurry vision at some points. The urologist said the anesthetic shouldn't have such an effect, though. I guess I imagined that as well.
After leaving the urology center, Pieter and I encountered the TV crew downstairs and informed them of what had occurred during the appointment. They were as flabbergasted and surprised as we were. After I began to feel less physically ill, we did another interview, talking about the results of the examination, what would happen next and how we felt about it.
There are two sides to this last appointment. The first being that it doesn't really mean or explain anything. There's no explanation for why I have a non-functional prostate, or gained any other relevant facts, ergo it was a fairly useless examination. The other side is that I once again feel like I'm not being taken seriously, pretty much like with every other previous appointment at any hospital before this one. There's also the very real possibility that the UMCG hospital won't offer to do any more examinations or tests after this last series.
Pieter sent Weijmar Schultz an email on this, and a few other topics. Basically the questions were whether this last appointment was really meant to be as brief, whether there will be another series of examinations, what happened to the promise by the radiologist to sent MRI images of males showing the same structure previously indicated by the German clinics as being a vagina, and whether the UMCG via Jiawan is going to help me find an EMDR psychotherapist, as it's virtually impossible to find one for Pieter and me with almost none of them even taking on new patients, let alone finding one who is 'right' for me.
Naturally, by the time I got home I pretty much collapsed. I had another paralyzation episode, cried a lot until I finally went to bed. At least there seems to be progress on another point, namely the whole dating thing of Pieter. I seem to finally have grasped emotionally that I'm just a friend and a guest in this place and that this is the role I should follow. I have completely relied on Pieter to support me emotionally and this is why it is/was so hard for me to take a few steps back.
Some part of me still wishes vehemently that I had a person I could fall back on like that, yet the prospect of me having a successful date which results in a happy, long-term relationship is about as bright as the dark side of the moon.
I guess that solitude is still where it's at. My old friend.
Maya
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
Annoyances And Progress
Any person I meet I try to give a fair chance at proving him or herself to me, and I try to be patient and open whenever the situation asks for it. That said, I'm currently quite taxed by this friend Pieter has staying over from Taiwan at the moment. I already knew she was a bit 'unusual', but it's not often that I meet someone who is so withdrawn, so impossible to approach, maybe even aloof, let alone possible to understand. I have more or less given up on trying to start even a basic conversation and went to my beauty salon appointment this morning sooner than usual just to get away from it all. There's something unnerving about having someone staying at your place who is essentially a stranger and does everything possible to keep things that way. It creeps me out. I know it isn't nice to say, but I'll be glad when she leaves tomorrow.
Despite all this, I had a good day yesterday, despite or maybe thanks to a dose of sleep-deprivation. I completed some resources for TileWars, mostly for the menu and finished a mockup of the site design I'm making for my cousin's business. I also wrote the first page of part 5 of In Between and Neither, which I intend to finish later today. I'll also check out the 3D capabilities in Photoshop CS5 and get the first avatar model coloured. Using Genetica I will try to create a mockup of the Nyanko splash screen. It's a busy schedule for sure.
As an aside, I mentioned the aftershocks of my dating adventure before. When I returned home earlier from my appointment Pieter and his friend were watching a Friends episode (a New Year one). At some point there was some kissing and I really couldn't look at it as it made me feel very ill inside. It's the first time I have felt like that. I'm not sure what it means.
Maya
Despite all this, I had a good day yesterday, despite or maybe thanks to a dose of sleep-deprivation. I completed some resources for TileWars, mostly for the menu and finished a mockup of the site design I'm making for my cousin's business. I also wrote the first page of part 5 of In Between and Neither, which I intend to finish later today. I'll also check out the 3D capabilities in Photoshop CS5 and get the first avatar model coloured. Using Genetica I will try to create a mockup of the Nyanko splash screen. It's a busy schedule for sure.
As an aside, I mentioned the aftershocks of my dating adventure before. When I returned home earlier from my appointment Pieter and his friend were watching a Friends episode (a New Year one). At some point there was some kissing and I really couldn't look at it as it made me feel very ill inside. It's the first time I have felt like that. I'm not sure what it means.
Maya
Saturday, 11 September 2010
Making The Case For Intersexuality
Yesterday I released part 4 of In Between and Neither. It's not the ending of this story as some have asked me. Consider it to be the introduction having come to an end. The real story starts from here. How it'll end? I will tell you right after I know how my own life is going to proceed from here on.
Also yesterday was the first photoshoot with the photography student. This time she mostly did profile shots. Later this month we'll probably do another shoot involving more full-body shots. The question she and I have been mulling over is how to use a photograph to basically show that a person is intersexual.
Take my case: when I'm just walking or sitting about, everyone will assume that I'm just a regular girl, whether walking around fully clothed on the streets or in a skimpy bikini at the swimming pool. Including a picture of me in her project is therefore going to be about as effective as including a picture of any reasonably attractive regular girl. Nobody will be able to tell the difference. So what's the solution?
The most obvious solution is of course to take away every bit of clothing, to show everything and make it completely obvious that this body of mine with its near-perfect feminine curves has an oddity to it. A possible problem with this is how to do it without make it look out of place. It has to be done in a tasteful manner. I'll leave that issue to the student. I just discussed it with her, asking her about the target public, which turned out to be mostly teachers and students at her school, so there's the assumption of a reasonable level of maturity among the viewers. I guess I'll find out later this month what she came up with. I'm just the model :)
Moving on... the aftershocks of my dating trial are still causing damage and it'll probably take a while longer for things to settle down a bit. With relationship and sexuality no longer being of relevance to me they have already been dumped into the 'unwanted and evil' bin by my emotional side. I think it's acting mostly out of confusion, as it seems to be unable to understand anything about these topics. Logically I can not seem to make head or tails out of it, other than to discard both as silly courtship and reproduction rituals which have no relevance to me. Whether trying out this dating thing was the right choice is still very much up for debate.
Anyway, at least I did keep my date as a good friend, and Wednesday we're going to see a movie: Casablanca from 1942 with Humphrey Bogart (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0034583/), a classic I have wanted to see for a long time. I'm a sucker for certain old movies and this might be one of them. Another one I saw a while ago thanks to Pieter was 12 Angry Men from 1957 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050083/) which was fascinating even though the characters in this movie never leave the room they're in until the very end. It was all in the acting and dialogue, in other words. Definitely recommended.
Next week is going to be busy again, with that movie on Wednesday and my usual torture appointments on Tuesday and Wednesday. At least the latter seems to be making serious progress now, with the last traces of facial hair rapidly diminishing and playing an increasingly less important role in my daily life. With some luck it may be done by the end of the year. I'll then have spent somewhere around 5,000 Euro on it, and recouped maybe 750-1,000 Euro via my insurance company. Being intersexual is an expensive hobby.
Pieter is also going to have a friend over from Taiwan this coming week, who he'll have to show around this little country. It's somewhat funny that it takes less than a week to show basically everything of relevance in this country. I have never met this friend of Pieter before, but I doubt I'll see much of her except at breakfast and sometimes dinner. Not that this matters to me, except that I may have to cook for myself a few times. I like strict planning :)
Going back to yesterday's talks with the photography student, one thing she was quite adament about and which I agree with is that of including teaching about intersexuality at schools, during biology and other relevant classes. it's ridiculous that each year in this country alone tens of thousands of children if not more are born intersexual and 80-90% of this country or so isn't even aware that intersexuality exists, or what it is really, with a similar pattern among medical personnel. I would really like to lobby politicians to give this issue some attention, but I'm not sure my voice carries any kind of power. Most likely it will just get ignored.
I also compared the current taboo on intersexuality with that of the racial segregation in the US in the 60s. It took a few coloured people to stand up and say that they weren't going to take the way things were any longer, and that they demanded change. This is what should happen among intersexuals as well. The student's experiences when contacting AIS Nederlands, an organization for intersexuals, was that none of its members wanted to do anything for her project except just maybe have an anonymous interview. My experiences with other intersexuals are much the same.
Intersexuality isn't something to be ashamed of. We were born this way and we deserve to be recognized as such, public opinion be damned. Who's marching with me? :)
Maya
Also yesterday was the first photoshoot with the photography student. This time she mostly did profile shots. Later this month we'll probably do another shoot involving more full-body shots. The question she and I have been mulling over is how to use a photograph to basically show that a person is intersexual.
Take my case: when I'm just walking or sitting about, everyone will assume that I'm just a regular girl, whether walking around fully clothed on the streets or in a skimpy bikini at the swimming pool. Including a picture of me in her project is therefore going to be about as effective as including a picture of any reasonably attractive regular girl. Nobody will be able to tell the difference. So what's the solution?
The most obvious solution is of course to take away every bit of clothing, to show everything and make it completely obvious that this body of mine with its near-perfect feminine curves has an oddity to it. A possible problem with this is how to do it without make it look out of place. It has to be done in a tasteful manner. I'll leave that issue to the student. I just discussed it with her, asking her about the target public, which turned out to be mostly teachers and students at her school, so there's the assumption of a reasonable level of maturity among the viewers. I guess I'll find out later this month what she came up with. I'm just the model :)
Moving on... the aftershocks of my dating trial are still causing damage and it'll probably take a while longer for things to settle down a bit. With relationship and sexuality no longer being of relevance to me they have already been dumped into the 'unwanted and evil' bin by my emotional side. I think it's acting mostly out of confusion, as it seems to be unable to understand anything about these topics. Logically I can not seem to make head or tails out of it, other than to discard both as silly courtship and reproduction rituals which have no relevance to me. Whether trying out this dating thing was the right choice is still very much up for debate.
Anyway, at least I did keep my date as a good friend, and Wednesday we're going to see a movie: Casablanca from 1942 with Humphrey Bogart (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0034583/), a classic I have wanted to see for a long time. I'm a sucker for certain old movies and this might be one of them. Another one I saw a while ago thanks to Pieter was 12 Angry Men from 1957 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050083/) which was fascinating even though the characters in this movie never leave the room they're in until the very end. It was all in the acting and dialogue, in other words. Definitely recommended.
Next week is going to be busy again, with that movie on Wednesday and my usual torture appointments on Tuesday and Wednesday. At least the latter seems to be making serious progress now, with the last traces of facial hair rapidly diminishing and playing an increasingly less important role in my daily life. With some luck it may be done by the end of the year. I'll then have spent somewhere around 5,000 Euro on it, and recouped maybe 750-1,000 Euro via my insurance company. Being intersexual is an expensive hobby.
Pieter is also going to have a friend over from Taiwan this coming week, who he'll have to show around this little country. It's somewhat funny that it takes less than a week to show basically everything of relevance in this country. I have never met this friend of Pieter before, but I doubt I'll see much of her except at breakfast and sometimes dinner. Not that this matters to me, except that I may have to cook for myself a few times. I like strict planning :)
Going back to yesterday's talks with the photography student, one thing she was quite adament about and which I agree with is that of including teaching about intersexuality at schools, during biology and other relevant classes. it's ridiculous that each year in this country alone tens of thousands of children if not more are born intersexual and 80-90% of this country or so isn't even aware that intersexuality exists, or what it is really, with a similar pattern among medical personnel. I would really like to lobby politicians to give this issue some attention, but I'm not sure my voice carries any kind of power. Most likely it will just get ignored.
I also compared the current taboo on intersexuality with that of the racial segregation in the US in the 60s. It took a few coloured people to stand up and say that they weren't going to take the way things were any longer, and that they demanded change. This is what should happen among intersexuals as well. The student's experiences when contacting AIS Nederlands, an organization for intersexuals, was that none of its members wanted to do anything for her project except just maybe have an anonymous interview. My experiences with other intersexuals are much the same.
Intersexuality isn't something to be ashamed of. We were born this way and we deserve to be recognized as such, public opinion be damned. Who's marching with me? :)
Maya
Friday, 10 September 2010
Vestigial Emotions
I just woke up from apparently a fairly restless sleep. It's a tad past 5 AM and I really don't think I'll be able to sleep any more. Partially because both the dog of the neighbour is barking (audible through multiple walls) and Pieter's dogs (he himself being in Belgium at the moment) happily wailing along. I also realized something I wasn't aware of yesterday, while I was having my third and apparently last date with this girl I was dating.
Often have I commented on how strong my rational side is, and how weak my emotional side, and yesterday was an excellent demonstration of it. The thing is that before yesterday this girl and I had an email exchange in which she mentioned her doubts about the long-term prospective of our relationship, and yesterday we decided that we would just go on as hopefully good friends.
When I got her first, 'I got to tell you something' style email, emotionally I first didn't respond to it other than wanting to throw the email away largely unread and just blame this retarded body of mine for everything, as it usually is at fault anyway. How I felt about it at the time? I don't know, apparently kind of upset, because I felt quite bad and spent half an hour crying or wailing, rather. Then Pieter asked to read the email as well and deduced that I had been largely overreacting. Score one for my emotional side.
Yesterday I thought that my emotional side was present during the exchange as well, yet looking back it seems like it shut down somewhere around Wednesday afternoon, when I had a pretty bad emotional collapse and stayed in bed until dinner time feeling sick. Then after dinner I collapsed again, and had to drag myself literally upstairs to my bed, where I withdrew into myself for a bit, until I began to get this horrible feeling again of needing to escape, and suicide being the only option. It's a far too familiar feeling and its pull is incredibly strong. Only Pieter's intervention probably kept me from doing something foolish.
Anyway, yesterday this girl and I had this heavily emotional conversation, talking about relationship stuff and such. After deciding to just be friends from then on, I felt relieved inside, and I thought at the time that it was my emotional side which was feeling that, and that it was okay with it. Even suffering another bad emotional collapse during dinner didn't seem to dampen my conviction of that. This collapse was a new type; it mostly seemed to weaken my muscle control but not obliterate it while jumbling my thoughts and making it unable for me to think clearly, let alone speak.
When I woke up earlier I realized that my emotional side hadn't been involved yesterday at all, that it was my rational side which had taken over and concluded that relationship stuff is irrelevant anyway, or something. It just doesn't like anything for which it can't see any practical purpose. This morning I could notice my emotional side whining, feeling lonely and useless. It seems to have decided that relationships and sexuality are highly overrated pieces of junk anyway, meaning that apparently I'm back to square minus one-hundred on those again.
At this point I'm really not sure whether my emotional side serves any kind of useful purpose and isn't just a stupid prank or left-over thing. The only thing it's good for is getting in the way, tricking me into doing stupid things and basically standing for everything my rational side loathes. I wish I could cut it out like a diseased appendix.
To be clear, I'm not upset. At this point my rational side is in control as usual. It's just highly annoyed at this blubbering piece of emotional side which keeps messing my life up. With it out of the way there wouldn't be disrupting thoughts and worries, no pain and no frustrations. Ergo it's a cancerous element and preferably removed before it can do more damage.
Elementary, you know?
Maya
Often have I commented on how strong my rational side is, and how weak my emotional side, and yesterday was an excellent demonstration of it. The thing is that before yesterday this girl and I had an email exchange in which she mentioned her doubts about the long-term prospective of our relationship, and yesterday we decided that we would just go on as hopefully good friends.
When I got her first, 'I got to tell you something' style email, emotionally I first didn't respond to it other than wanting to throw the email away largely unread and just blame this retarded body of mine for everything, as it usually is at fault anyway. How I felt about it at the time? I don't know, apparently kind of upset, because I felt quite bad and spent half an hour crying or wailing, rather. Then Pieter asked to read the email as well and deduced that I had been largely overreacting. Score one for my emotional side.
Yesterday I thought that my emotional side was present during the exchange as well, yet looking back it seems like it shut down somewhere around Wednesday afternoon, when I had a pretty bad emotional collapse and stayed in bed until dinner time feeling sick. Then after dinner I collapsed again, and had to drag myself literally upstairs to my bed, where I withdrew into myself for a bit, until I began to get this horrible feeling again of needing to escape, and suicide being the only option. It's a far too familiar feeling and its pull is incredibly strong. Only Pieter's intervention probably kept me from doing something foolish.
Anyway, yesterday this girl and I had this heavily emotional conversation, talking about relationship stuff and such. After deciding to just be friends from then on, I felt relieved inside, and I thought at the time that it was my emotional side which was feeling that, and that it was okay with it. Even suffering another bad emotional collapse during dinner didn't seem to dampen my conviction of that. This collapse was a new type; it mostly seemed to weaken my muscle control but not obliterate it while jumbling my thoughts and making it unable for me to think clearly, let alone speak.
When I woke up earlier I realized that my emotional side hadn't been involved yesterday at all, that it was my rational side which had taken over and concluded that relationship stuff is irrelevant anyway, or something. It just doesn't like anything for which it can't see any practical purpose. This morning I could notice my emotional side whining, feeling lonely and useless. It seems to have decided that relationships and sexuality are highly overrated pieces of junk anyway, meaning that apparently I'm back to square minus one-hundred on those again.
At this point I'm really not sure whether my emotional side serves any kind of useful purpose and isn't just a stupid prank or left-over thing. The only thing it's good for is getting in the way, tricking me into doing stupid things and basically standing for everything my rational side loathes. I wish I could cut it out like a diseased appendix.
To be clear, I'm not upset. At this point my rational side is in control as usual. It's just highly annoyed at this blubbering piece of emotional side which keeps messing my life up. With it out of the way there wouldn't be disrupting thoughts and worries, no pain and no frustrations. Ergo it's a cancerous element and preferably removed before it can do more damage.
Elementary, you know?
Maya
Wednesday, 8 September 2010
Making Sense Of What Doesn't Make Sense
Yesterday I finished part 3 of In Between and Neither. In this episode we see more controversy, more violence and twisted perspectives. Check it out at my Scribd account, at http://www.scribd.com/MayaPosch. Writing this part was tough as usual, with the first section being particularly draining, and the rest revealing parts of my personality I hadn't expected. It definitely was unexpected, even to me.
Some of it was no doubt influenced by a recent development in my life, namely that of dating. It's a brand new experience to me and brings a lot of fuss with it, with both sides having to figure out where they want things to lead to, what their expectations are, what the other person wants and needs. I'm fairly confident in stating that walking through a minefield is probably a heck of a lot less accident-prone.
Anyway, today I suffered a pretty serious burn-out, spending most of the afternoon in bed sleeping and staring at the ceiling. I think that the recent things surrounding this whole dating thing have just added that little bit extra stress to make the proverbial cup overflow. I guess the worst part of this whole stress overflow thing is the hyper-ventilating combined with a sensation of... despair I guess, where one feels so much pain and one's outlook on the future is more pitch-black than bleak. If I hadn't nagged Pieter about it earlier when I felt so terrible I might have done something stupid again. I guess that's where one absolutely requires good friends nearby.
With this dating stuff that's also the main thing I'm looking for. My date wrongfully assumed at first that I was looking for commitment and a serious long-term relationship, whereas I'm just looking for stability and someone who can guide me while I explore this 'relationship' and 'sexuality' thing in a way which won't further scar or traumatise me. I must say that my date so far has managed this quite well, and that it has changed the way I look at some things already. I won't say silly things like that I suddenly understand what it feels like to be in love, as I still refuse to believe that there is such a thing beyond a neurotransmitter imbalance in the brain caused by a boobytrap planted there by that pesky evolution thing.
But enough blathering from my side. Tomorrow I'll be seeing my date again; we're going wander around the city for a bit and talk about serious stuff. Friday I would be home alone with Pieter gone for a family party in Belgium if it wasn't for the photography student dropping by to do that photoshoot for her project. Seems like I'm going to be the main subject in that project. I guess I should be honoured.
Tonight I'm going to take that sleeping pill I skimped on last night. Got to be all fresh and awake for my date, and of course do some work tomorrow morning. TileWars isn't going to finish itself.
On a sidenote, here is the cover I designed for the In Between and Neither story. Let me know your thoughts on it :)
Maya
Some of it was no doubt influenced by a recent development in my life, namely that of dating. It's a brand new experience to me and brings a lot of fuss with it, with both sides having to figure out where they want things to lead to, what their expectations are, what the other person wants and needs. I'm fairly confident in stating that walking through a minefield is probably a heck of a lot less accident-prone.
Anyway, today I suffered a pretty serious burn-out, spending most of the afternoon in bed sleeping and staring at the ceiling. I think that the recent things surrounding this whole dating thing have just added that little bit extra stress to make the proverbial cup overflow. I guess the worst part of this whole stress overflow thing is the hyper-ventilating combined with a sensation of... despair I guess, where one feels so much pain and one's outlook on the future is more pitch-black than bleak. If I hadn't nagged Pieter about it earlier when I felt so terrible I might have done something stupid again. I guess that's where one absolutely requires good friends nearby.
With this dating stuff that's also the main thing I'm looking for. My date wrongfully assumed at first that I was looking for commitment and a serious long-term relationship, whereas I'm just looking for stability and someone who can guide me while I explore this 'relationship' and 'sexuality' thing in a way which won't further scar or traumatise me. I must say that my date so far has managed this quite well, and that it has changed the way I look at some things already. I won't say silly things like that I suddenly understand what it feels like to be in love, as I still refuse to believe that there is such a thing beyond a neurotransmitter imbalance in the brain caused by a boobytrap planted there by that pesky evolution thing.
But enough blathering from my side. Tomorrow I'll be seeing my date again; we're going wander around the city for a bit and talk about serious stuff. Friday I would be home alone with Pieter gone for a family party in Belgium if it wasn't for the photography student dropping by to do that photoshoot for her project. Seems like I'm going to be the main subject in that project. I guess I should be honoured.
Tonight I'm going to take that sleeping pill I skimped on last night. Got to be all fresh and awake for my date, and of course do some work tomorrow morning. TileWars isn't going to finish itself.
On a sidenote, here is the cover I designed for the In Between and Neither story. Let me know your thoughts on it :)
Maya
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