Today I got a message from photographer Eric Brinkhorst informing me that he'd like to plan a photography session for the Pride Photo Award really soon now to fill up the series as the final submission date is May 31st. It's going to be quite excited to see what will end up in the final series in the end. While a lot of things you can plan yourself, there are a few variables, such as when the first public hearing against the VUmc's gender team gets planned and what the response from that surgeon on my final surgery will be. Both would provide excellent material for the series, but there's no way to know whether any of them will work out the way we hope and whether they would occur within next month.
I felt pretty heartened by the response from Pride Photo Award (PPA) so far, with them spending an actual news article on their site on my story. I think that having a successful submission to PPA could mean a lot to intersex people in general. It would not only inform a large number of people that we exist at all, but also of the major horrors we have to suffer due to medical and political ignorance and will will. My hope is that the series works out well and gets into the top 5 at the PPA.
As far as the surgery goes, I doubt that it'll get into the series, as physicians are very busy people. I was supposed to be contacted by the surgeon this week, but with just one more day to go, I think it'll take longer. Probably far into next month. Even then I expect a rejection, as that is the only response which would be consistent with this world I was born into. Deny, crush, extinguish. Fatalistic, maybe, but based on years of cruel experience.
Then the public hearing. This may actually work out, as I received a response from the VUmc's lawyer via my own lawyer's office to the hormone level results I had put in as new evidence for my case. That the disciplinary commission is sending this now may mean that they are preparing to set a date for the public hearing. I really hope that this is the case and that the hearing is next month. Not just for the PPA series, but also to move this case ahead at last. This waiting is killing me.
In my fantasies I am contacted by a enthusiastic surgeon who wants to examine me for that surgery which he thinks will restore full functionality of my vagina. I also hear that the public hearing is early next month. In those fantasies I can finally shed off a lot of the impossibly heavy burden resting on my shoulders.
In reality, however, I'm left a bitter, overly sarcastic person. It's not who I want to be. It's what life has made me into. As someone once said, only fairy tales know happy endings.
Maya
Showing posts with label photography. Show all posts
Showing posts with label photography. Show all posts
Thursday, 25 April 2013
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Neuroplasticity
Yesterday I had the photography student drop by again. It was pretty fun again, and I hope useful for her as well. She gave me a film camera to take some snaps myself for her project. It's interesting to basically get told 'go take pictures of something'. I'll figure something out even if it may take me a few weeks :) In September she'll formally propose her project to her school, though we're both pretty sure it'll be accepted. Last year another student got a project involving barn interiors accepted, to name just one example.
On a less related note, the camera I got to take those snaps with is a compact film camera, the likes of which I haven't seen since the 90s. It's somewhat disconcerting to go from having a camera capable of taking thousands of shots on even a lowly 1 GB SD card to being limited to 36 shots on a film roll, without the ability to review taken shots and delete failed ones. In a sense it's like taking pictures with a 64 MB CF card and a camera without a display. Somewhat like the digicams at the beginning of this century.
Anyway, I won't be condemning anyone for choosing film over digital cameras :) It does reinforce the need to get the shot right in one go. Wasting a shot isn't free like with a digicam.
During our 3+ hour conversation one topic we covered was that of human and artificial intelligence, as well as that of replacing entire limbs, organs and even the brain itself with artificial components performing the same or superior functions. I thought it was interesting that she was so interested in this topic, most people I come across mostly display a distinct lack of interest or even fright when this topic is brought up. That's one thing we also agreed on, that advanced prosthetics is going to cause a division within society, especially once healthy biological parts are being replaced for artificial ones. Division seems to be the one central theme when it comes to human society.
One observation I have been pondering on for a while now, and moreso since yesterday is that of neuroplasticity as it relates to my case. In essence neuroplasticity is the ability of a neural network to learn, to adapt to changing input and recall memories. In the debate on nature versus nurture this comes up a lot as well, and can be resolved easily: we all start with a set of basic parameters due to genetics and through input via our senses and our changing internal interpretation of these from the moment our brains begin to function, we develop what is referred to as a 'personality', which is thus the expression of the neural network's configuration as a whole.
My inputs, if you will, have been wildly different from those around me. I haven't experienced socializing, I have been excluded from friendship, relations, sexuality and even puberty. The only positive input I have received when you think about it is that on an intellectual level. An individual always seeks those things which are rewarded by its own brain or by others. In my case being 'smart' and 'knowing things' made me feel appreciated in way I couldn't accomplish in other ways. This would have strongly reinforced my intellectual side, and caused my emotional side to be pretty much discarded as useless junk as the latter never got any positive reinforcement.
In a way one could say that I see the world in a completely different way than virtually everyone around me. Where they see a happy family, I see strife, biological processes, decay, aging and death. Where they see a pretty flower I see an organism, a part of an ecosystem and the reproductive organs of a plant. In a fantasy series called the Dragonlance Saga there's a wizard who due to a curse has been given eyes through which he can only see death and decay before the inevitable march of time. It's somewhat like that for me. I can't live in this one moment, I can't be happy with what I have. I only see that what is coming next, and after that, and after that, until it's all gone. It's one incredibly effective way to never feel happiness.
My experiences during the past 5.5 years have merely reinforced what I already knew, that I'm different, that there's no place for me among 'normals' and that emotions are irrelevant luggage, not to mention that having a body is a tiresome part of existence, a mere shell for a fragile and fallible brain. Naturally, there's almost no one who would agree with me on any of this, and why should they? They haven't experienced the same inputs I have, the same strife and barrage of negativity. I have been tuned to only expect these inputs.
Can this change? Of course it can. That's the essence of neuroplasticity. If the UMCG hospital manages to finally resolve the stand-off within my medical case it means I can finally leave the state of not having an identity, participate fully in friendship, relationships and possibly sexuality. Of course, there's also every chance that they'll manage to screw things up again, further reinforcing all the bad preconceptions I have about others and causing me to further withdraw from society.
In the end it's all just a game of positive and negative reinforcements.
Maya
On a less related note, the camera I got to take those snaps with is a compact film camera, the likes of which I haven't seen since the 90s. It's somewhat disconcerting to go from having a camera capable of taking thousands of shots on even a lowly 1 GB SD card to being limited to 36 shots on a film roll, without the ability to review taken shots and delete failed ones. In a sense it's like taking pictures with a 64 MB CF card and a camera without a display. Somewhat like the digicams at the beginning of this century.
Anyway, I won't be condemning anyone for choosing film over digital cameras :) It does reinforce the need to get the shot right in one go. Wasting a shot isn't free like with a digicam.
During our 3+ hour conversation one topic we covered was that of human and artificial intelligence, as well as that of replacing entire limbs, organs and even the brain itself with artificial components performing the same or superior functions. I thought it was interesting that she was so interested in this topic, most people I come across mostly display a distinct lack of interest or even fright when this topic is brought up. That's one thing we also agreed on, that advanced prosthetics is going to cause a division within society, especially once healthy biological parts are being replaced for artificial ones. Division seems to be the one central theme when it comes to human society.
One observation I have been pondering on for a while now, and moreso since yesterday is that of neuroplasticity as it relates to my case. In essence neuroplasticity is the ability of a neural network to learn, to adapt to changing input and recall memories. In the debate on nature versus nurture this comes up a lot as well, and can be resolved easily: we all start with a set of basic parameters due to genetics and through input via our senses and our changing internal interpretation of these from the moment our brains begin to function, we develop what is referred to as a 'personality', which is thus the expression of the neural network's configuration as a whole.
My inputs, if you will, have been wildly different from those around me. I haven't experienced socializing, I have been excluded from friendship, relations, sexuality and even puberty. The only positive input I have received when you think about it is that on an intellectual level. An individual always seeks those things which are rewarded by its own brain or by others. In my case being 'smart' and 'knowing things' made me feel appreciated in way I couldn't accomplish in other ways. This would have strongly reinforced my intellectual side, and caused my emotional side to be pretty much discarded as useless junk as the latter never got any positive reinforcement.
In a way one could say that I see the world in a completely different way than virtually everyone around me. Where they see a happy family, I see strife, biological processes, decay, aging and death. Where they see a pretty flower I see an organism, a part of an ecosystem and the reproductive organs of a plant. In a fantasy series called the Dragonlance Saga there's a wizard who due to a curse has been given eyes through which he can only see death and decay before the inevitable march of time. It's somewhat like that for me. I can't live in this one moment, I can't be happy with what I have. I only see that what is coming next, and after that, and after that, until it's all gone. It's one incredibly effective way to never feel happiness.
My experiences during the past 5.5 years have merely reinforced what I already knew, that I'm different, that there's no place for me among 'normals' and that emotions are irrelevant luggage, not to mention that having a body is a tiresome part of existence, a mere shell for a fragile and fallible brain. Naturally, there's almost no one who would agree with me on any of this, and why should they? They haven't experienced the same inputs I have, the same strife and barrage of negativity. I have been tuned to only expect these inputs.
Can this change? Of course it can. That's the essence of neuroplasticity. If the UMCG hospital manages to finally resolve the stand-off within my medical case it means I can finally leave the state of not having an identity, participate fully in friendship, relationships and possibly sexuality. Of course, there's also every chance that they'll manage to screw things up again, further reinforcing all the bad preconceptions I have about others and causing me to further withdraw from society.
In the end it's all just a game of positive and negative reinforcements.
Maya
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Energizing The Future
It's strange how things go, and I mean really strange. One moment you will think that nothing can possibly improve the situation you're in, the next moment something happens which turns that notion completely upside-down and possibly inside-out as well. Such is the case with my mental state and its effect on my physical condition which I loudly complained about in my last post and no doubt many times before that.
There's such a thing as a downwards spiral, a system of reinforcing negative impulses, which in my case consisted out of starting out with very little to build upon, being faced with a quite monumental task of constructing something out of nothing, coupled with an immense uncertainty about what I am and what my place in society, nay, in this world might be. With the deck stacked pretty much fully against me I nevertheless was inspired to change matters for the better.
Then things came crashing down. My dreams of finding my place in this world got crushed by the ignorance and prejudice which exists in the medical and political systems. My dreams of establishing a successful software company, start even more involved projects and change the world got a wake-up call too and came to face the harsh reality of deadlines, delays, project management, resources and heavens know what else. Trying to be anything but a good little grey, irrelevant cog in the gigantic machine we call 'humanity' is like kicking and screaming and raging against the uncaring walls of a prison cell. Even those we call 'celebrities' generally are just that, happy little cogs we can use for inspiration to become even more happy little cogs.
This all wasn't good enough for me. I could not adapt to such a dreary, hopeless and crushing existence, or lack thereof. I wanted to make a difference, to live instead of merely exist. And yet with everything I did and decided I found that I drifted further away from my goals. With my body, if I had just shut up and pretended to be a regular boy I wouldn't still be in the middle of this war with so many bigots, ignorant, prejudiced and uncaring people, with far too many casualties on my side already.
If I had just done a regular study and pushed away my giftedness, I could have a grey, dreary job like all those other good little drones out there. I could have a grey, dreary relationship with a good little cog. And I would be completely, utterly unhappy.
Yet I persisted in my rebellion. I was going to see my dreams come true, even if I had to perish in the line of duty. Yet the strain of this ongoing war and the many lost battles had taken their toll. I was emotionally shattered, rationally strained and above all drained to the point where the stress was beginning to show its effects on my body, a clear sign that without much needed reinforcements I would be losing this war of attrition.
Feeling drained means having little motivation, with even small tasks feeling like too much of a burden to take on. A passive response seems much easier and is very easy, far too easily given in to. With the lack of motivation little gets accomplished. When consequently reflecting on one's accomplishments one gets more despirited, which leads to even less energy and motivation. Thus even less gets accomplished and one gets even more despirited until at some point there's only rock bottom and the curtains fall.
That's the situation I was, and still somewhat am in. A small miracle seems to have occurred, however, resulting from a sudden wave of inspiration. I do not remember what gave me the idea, but last Saturday I was standing there in the supermarket, looking for those fabled energy drinks and taking a few to sample them. I wouldn't be disappointed by their effects.
I have no idea how these drinks work for other people, but in my case it seems to have had an almost miraculous effect. The feeling of being exhausted during the day has vanished, I find it much easier to breathe, I don't seem to get this tight sensation on my chest any more, I feel energetic from the moment I wake up until I go to bed and generally just feel nearly normal. I also have a far higher resistance against my PTSD triggers, as I experienced a few hours ago.
It's as though the mental barrier I have put up between the stable and unstable (frustrated) parts of my psyche has been heavily reinforced, with the latter having almost no grasp on the former any more. The past few days I have been working on the new website's content management system almost continuously, something which had been impossible for me for months, if not years already.
At this point I'm drinking 250 ml of these energy drinks a day, or basically one can. I feel like I have been given a second chance. And not a moment too soon.
I pray that now I can successfully finish the ECD game project. From the looks of things we'll have at least one more month of development time, assuming the 3D artist we got working for us at the moment comes through on this promise of churning out models, and the level designers bother to respond. Heaven knowns we can still use more 3D artists familiar with Maya, 3D Studio Max and kin, as well as level designers, sound artists (BGM, SFX) and who knows what else. I'd be more than happy to finish the new website as well.
Today I finished most of the network code which facilitates the synchronization between the testing (administration) and production sides of the new Nyanko CMS. Tomorrow I won't get to do much work as I'll be going with Pieter to some exposition featuring a lot of different subjects. Supposedly it's aimed at families, but a number of companies involved in home organs are also present, which is the primary reason why Pieter is going there.
I have considered staying at home and working instead, but it may be a good thing for me to get out a bit, meet people and such. Which reminds me this thought which keeps flashing through my mind; how things are going to change after that article on me gets published in the country's largest newspaper next week, and around a million people will suddenly know about me. How will things change if they start to recognize me? To put it plainly, will I hear people whispering behind my back, approach me on the street, see people staring at my nether parts when I'm at the swimming pool?
My media appearances can really turn my life as it is now upside-down. How do I feel about shedding these worn-out, familiar clothes and trying on something new? What if TV channels and magazines suddenly approach me, even international and foreign ones, and I really become a kind of spokesperson for people like me, this large group of people who right now don't really belong anywhere and don't have a voice. What if the fame will skyrocket me out of this current existence of living on welfare and I'll actually be able to live like a real human being? Frankly I feel all giddy and stuff inside at the mere thought of this.
I'm more than thrilled at the prospect of meeting new challenges, of discovering more about myself and of seeing how far those new wings might take me towards my dreams.
In the mean time, however, the best I have got are the pics in my site's gallery of me prancing around in a dress while wearing cat ears. I consider that something of a personal victory in itself already :)
Maya
There's such a thing as a downwards spiral, a system of reinforcing negative impulses, which in my case consisted out of starting out with very little to build upon, being faced with a quite monumental task of constructing something out of nothing, coupled with an immense uncertainty about what I am and what my place in society, nay, in this world might be. With the deck stacked pretty much fully against me I nevertheless was inspired to change matters for the better.
Then things came crashing down. My dreams of finding my place in this world got crushed by the ignorance and prejudice which exists in the medical and political systems. My dreams of establishing a successful software company, start even more involved projects and change the world got a wake-up call too and came to face the harsh reality of deadlines, delays, project management, resources and heavens know what else. Trying to be anything but a good little grey, irrelevant cog in the gigantic machine we call 'humanity' is like kicking and screaming and raging against the uncaring walls of a prison cell. Even those we call 'celebrities' generally are just that, happy little cogs we can use for inspiration to become even more happy little cogs.
This all wasn't good enough for me. I could not adapt to such a dreary, hopeless and crushing existence, or lack thereof. I wanted to make a difference, to live instead of merely exist. And yet with everything I did and decided I found that I drifted further away from my goals. With my body, if I had just shut up and pretended to be a regular boy I wouldn't still be in the middle of this war with so many bigots, ignorant, prejudiced and uncaring people, with far too many casualties on my side already.
If I had just done a regular study and pushed away my giftedness, I could have a grey, dreary job like all those other good little drones out there. I could have a grey, dreary relationship with a good little cog. And I would be completely, utterly unhappy.
Yet I persisted in my rebellion. I was going to see my dreams come true, even if I had to perish in the line of duty. Yet the strain of this ongoing war and the many lost battles had taken their toll. I was emotionally shattered, rationally strained and above all drained to the point where the stress was beginning to show its effects on my body, a clear sign that without much needed reinforcements I would be losing this war of attrition.
Feeling drained means having little motivation, with even small tasks feeling like too much of a burden to take on. A passive response seems much easier and is very easy, far too easily given in to. With the lack of motivation little gets accomplished. When consequently reflecting on one's accomplishments one gets more despirited, which leads to even less energy and motivation. Thus even less gets accomplished and one gets even more despirited until at some point there's only rock bottom and the curtains fall.
That's the situation I was, and still somewhat am in. A small miracle seems to have occurred, however, resulting from a sudden wave of inspiration. I do not remember what gave me the idea, but last Saturday I was standing there in the supermarket, looking for those fabled energy drinks and taking a few to sample them. I wouldn't be disappointed by their effects.
I have no idea how these drinks work for other people, but in my case it seems to have had an almost miraculous effect. The feeling of being exhausted during the day has vanished, I find it much easier to breathe, I don't seem to get this tight sensation on my chest any more, I feel energetic from the moment I wake up until I go to bed and generally just feel nearly normal. I also have a far higher resistance against my PTSD triggers, as I experienced a few hours ago.
It's as though the mental barrier I have put up between the stable and unstable (frustrated) parts of my psyche has been heavily reinforced, with the latter having almost no grasp on the former any more. The past few days I have been working on the new website's content management system almost continuously, something which had been impossible for me for months, if not years already.
At this point I'm drinking 250 ml of these energy drinks a day, or basically one can. I feel like I have been given a second chance. And not a moment too soon.
I pray that now I can successfully finish the ECD game project. From the looks of things we'll have at least one more month of development time, assuming the 3D artist we got working for us at the moment comes through on this promise of churning out models, and the level designers bother to respond. Heaven knowns we can still use more 3D artists familiar with Maya, 3D Studio Max and kin, as well as level designers, sound artists (BGM, SFX) and who knows what else. I'd be more than happy to finish the new website as well.
Today I finished most of the network code which facilitates the synchronization between the testing (administration) and production sides of the new Nyanko CMS. Tomorrow I won't get to do much work as I'll be going with Pieter to some exposition featuring a lot of different subjects. Supposedly it's aimed at families, but a number of companies involved in home organs are also present, which is the primary reason why Pieter is going there.
I have considered staying at home and working instead, but it may be a good thing for me to get out a bit, meet people and such. Which reminds me this thought which keeps flashing through my mind; how things are going to change after that article on me gets published in the country's largest newspaper next week, and around a million people will suddenly know about me. How will things change if they start to recognize me? To put it plainly, will I hear people whispering behind my back, approach me on the street, see people staring at my nether parts when I'm at the swimming pool?
My media appearances can really turn my life as it is now upside-down. How do I feel about shedding these worn-out, familiar clothes and trying on something new? What if TV channels and magazines suddenly approach me, even international and foreign ones, and I really become a kind of spokesperson for people like me, this large group of people who right now don't really belong anywhere and don't have a voice. What if the fame will skyrocket me out of this current existence of living on welfare and I'll actually be able to live like a real human being? Frankly I feel all giddy and stuff inside at the mere thought of this.
I'm more than thrilled at the prospect of meeting new challenges, of discovering more about myself and of seeing how far those new wings might take me towards my dreams.
In the mean time, however, the best I have got are the pics in my site's gallery of me prancing around in a dress while wearing cat ears. I consider that something of a personal victory in itself already :)
Maya
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Strange Pains
Something pleasantly unexpected happened last Friday. I had just returned from a visit at the GP's office (still haven't received the name of the oestrogen gel from UMCG's Weijmar Schultz, ones I got aren't obtainable) and was settling down for what appeared to be a quiet working day when I got a phone call from the IMK, the people who had advised me and the Zelfstandigenloket on the Bbz procedure. They told me that someone from the Business News Radio (connected to the 'Financieele Dagblad' financial newspaper) had contacted them about the possibility of interviewing an entrepreneur who had been enabled by the Bbz to start or resume his or her business. I agreed to this interview which would take place the same day.
The interview went well, my part took about eight minutes. Someone from the IMK dropped by as well and was interviewed after me. The total part which will be broadcast will be about four minutes. I forgot to ask when it'll be broadcast and for what show exactly, but I will get an MP3 recording of the segment which I'll put online and transcribe to English if there are enough requests. For my troubles I got a bouquet of flowers from the IMK. For them it was an opportunity to get more attention for themselves, for the Bbz option (welfare and loan options) and for me it was an opportunity to get some attention for my company and a bit for myself. Win-win, I guess :)
Saturday was shopping day. Pieter and I got a light for above the piano to get some proper illumination there. We also stopped by a DIY store where I looked at some halogen flood lights (construction lights) as these would be useful for photography purposes. I couldn't find a proper replacement light for the one that came with it, though (need white halogen, not the standard yellow), so I decided to wait a bit with any purchase and try to find that light tube somewhere else first.
After lunch we went into the city, looked at video cameras for Pieter and tried to find the bloody light. I did get a new mouse as the old one (cheap Sweex one) simply wasn't working that well any more, with the scroll wheel scrolling backwards at times and the resolution not up to snuff any more. It's a noticable improvement, even if it meant giving money to Microsoft :P
Finding the light tube was a nightmare, though. Even at the biggest shops specializing in lighting they weren't aware of it and didn't seem to carry it. Specifically I was looking for a Philips Halotone, the blue-tinted version at 300 Watt. An example can be found on this page: http://www.shuttertalk.com/articles/diylighting. I think I found it online at a Dutch webshop, but it lacks the necessary product details to make me feel certain it is the product I'm looking for other than the product image: http://www.vikingdirect.nl/a/sku%2Fbusiness%2FPhilips-Halotone-Economy-Staaf-300-W/pr=QHH&id=51885925/. It's all very confusing.
I did get the flood light in the end, but other than messing with the white balance on my cameras there's no other way to get 'white' light. As I intend to use the flood light for photography purposes, I feel it's important to get this fixed. I'm not totally happy about the stand I got with the flood light as well, as it's clearly more meant for construction sites rather than as photography gear. It's very hard to put away and the legs take up too much space. I'd like to find an alternative for it. Ah well.
Yesterday night I had a less enjoyable experience. Feeling down and with a few things in a movie and such reminding me of unpleasant things (PTSD, not being a boy or girl), I couldn't stop the flood of emotions which were welling up inside of me. Once again Pieter became the victim. It started with regular crying (out loud), then the deeper pain had to come out, followed by a lot of anger and frustrations (ripping Pieter's shirt to pieces) and finally me being unable to stop crying, bursting out in tears again when Pieter gave me a teddy bear plushie he keeps on his room. Seeing something cute or someone making me laugh is guaranteed to make me cry at such a time.
I simply couldn't stop crying, yet I was so tired and my throat raw from the crying and coughing. Fortunately I could get a sleeping pill again, and so I took it. After dozing for a bit in Pieter's bed I went to my own bed and soon felt the effects of the sleeping pill kick in. After reading one chapter in my current book (Darksword Trilogy), I gave the teddy bear which I had taken with me one last hug and went to sleep.
Waking up just before 7 AM, I felt relatively okay. Swimming went fine too, as I felt relatively detached from my emotions. This time was actually enjoyable and I didn't feel that tired at the end. After swimming Pieter and I went into the city again to go buy a video camera. He had been doing his own research and had come to the conclusion that the Canon Legria FS200 was the best option for him as well. He got the FS200 with a 4 GB SD card and a camera bag plus a tripod. I know that he bought the camera for himself, but that if it wasn't for me he would have bought it later, after he had received his new organ. I think he's a truly awesome guy for doing this and for allowing me to use the camera.
Jan had also offered to get me that video camera, but I guess we'll have to arrange something else now. In some sense I'm relieved, though, as it made me feel so self-conscious about the code of the site I have written. Not that it is bad or anything, mind you. I just don't like feeling as though I'm leeching off others :) Anyway, expect my horrific videos on YouTube soon, as soon as I can find the right program for video editing. Any tips?
Near the end of our lunch at home I began to feel weird. I was eating a popsicle (ice pop, for all non-Americans) when my tummy felt... strange. I managed to finish the ice pop and liked the taste, but it began to feel increasingly more wrong to ingest anything. Then the pains started.
I'm not sure how to describe the pain. It was abdominal, not firmly located in one place. One time it was spreading throughout my abdomen and lower part of the upper torso, then it were sharp stabbing pains. At some points it was bearable, just a bit sore-ish, then it suddenly intensified to the point where I didn't know what to do except grit my teeth and ride it out. The pain was so bad that I couldn't keep myself from crying, something I almost never do when in pain. In comparison the only thing which comes close in my experience is a severe migraine. It's a pain you can't ignore, can't escape from. Pieter was considering taking me to the ER.
After lying in my bed for what seemed like a very long time the pain must have subsided enough that I fell asleep from exhaustion and slept for 3 hours straight. I'm feeling much better now, although I really don't have an appetite, even skipping dinner which as far as I can remember is something I haven't done since the last time I was truly sick. Around when I was 8 years old or so. My temperature is normal and I feel relatively okay, I just don't have an appetite though I can drink tea without issues.
I haven't experienced a pain like this before. Considering the symptoms I'm thinking of food poisoning, though I'm not sure what might have caused it since I haven't eaten anything unusual or anything from a packaging or such I haven't eaten from before. I'll see how it goes tomorrow. Let's hope I can get back to work then.
Time to end this blog post which has gotten very long by now :)
Maya
The interview went well, my part took about eight minutes. Someone from the IMK dropped by as well and was interviewed after me. The total part which will be broadcast will be about four minutes. I forgot to ask when it'll be broadcast and for what show exactly, but I will get an MP3 recording of the segment which I'll put online and transcribe to English if there are enough requests. For my troubles I got a bouquet of flowers from the IMK. For them it was an opportunity to get more attention for themselves, for the Bbz option (welfare and loan options) and for me it was an opportunity to get some attention for my company and a bit for myself. Win-win, I guess :)
Saturday was shopping day. Pieter and I got a light for above the piano to get some proper illumination there. We also stopped by a DIY store where I looked at some halogen flood lights (construction lights) as these would be useful for photography purposes. I couldn't find a proper replacement light for the one that came with it, though (need white halogen, not the standard yellow), so I decided to wait a bit with any purchase and try to find that light tube somewhere else first.
After lunch we went into the city, looked at video cameras for Pieter and tried to find the bloody light. I did get a new mouse as the old one (cheap Sweex one) simply wasn't working that well any more, with the scroll wheel scrolling backwards at times and the resolution not up to snuff any more. It's a noticable improvement, even if it meant giving money to Microsoft :P
Finding the light tube was a nightmare, though. Even at the biggest shops specializing in lighting they weren't aware of it and didn't seem to carry it. Specifically I was looking for a Philips Halotone, the blue-tinted version at 300 Watt. An example can be found on this page: http://www.shuttertalk.com/articles/diylighting. I think I found it online at a Dutch webshop, but it lacks the necessary product details to make me feel certain it is the product I'm looking for other than the product image: http://www.vikingdirect.nl/a/sku%2Fbusiness%2FPhilips-Halotone-Economy-Staaf-300-W/pr=QHH&id=51885925/. It's all very confusing.
I did get the flood light in the end, but other than messing with the white balance on my cameras there's no other way to get 'white' light. As I intend to use the flood light for photography purposes, I feel it's important to get this fixed. I'm not totally happy about the stand I got with the flood light as well, as it's clearly more meant for construction sites rather than as photography gear. It's very hard to put away and the legs take up too much space. I'd like to find an alternative for it. Ah well.
Yesterday night I had a less enjoyable experience. Feeling down and with a few things in a movie and such reminding me of unpleasant things (PTSD, not being a boy or girl), I couldn't stop the flood of emotions which were welling up inside of me. Once again Pieter became the victim. It started with regular crying (out loud), then the deeper pain had to come out, followed by a lot of anger and frustrations (ripping Pieter's shirt to pieces) and finally me being unable to stop crying, bursting out in tears again when Pieter gave me a teddy bear plushie he keeps on his room. Seeing something cute or someone making me laugh is guaranteed to make me cry at such a time.
I simply couldn't stop crying, yet I was so tired and my throat raw from the crying and coughing. Fortunately I could get a sleeping pill again, and so I took it. After dozing for a bit in Pieter's bed I went to my own bed and soon felt the effects of the sleeping pill kick in. After reading one chapter in my current book (Darksword Trilogy), I gave the teddy bear which I had taken with me one last hug and went to sleep.
Waking up just before 7 AM, I felt relatively okay. Swimming went fine too, as I felt relatively detached from my emotions. This time was actually enjoyable and I didn't feel that tired at the end. After swimming Pieter and I went into the city again to go buy a video camera. He had been doing his own research and had come to the conclusion that the Canon Legria FS200 was the best option for him as well. He got the FS200 with a 4 GB SD card and a camera bag plus a tripod. I know that he bought the camera for himself, but that if it wasn't for me he would have bought it later, after he had received his new organ. I think he's a truly awesome guy for doing this and for allowing me to use the camera.
Jan had also offered to get me that video camera, but I guess we'll have to arrange something else now. In some sense I'm relieved, though, as it made me feel so self-conscious about the code of the site I have written. Not that it is bad or anything, mind you. I just don't like feeling as though I'm leeching off others :) Anyway, expect my horrific videos on YouTube soon, as soon as I can find the right program for video editing. Any tips?
Near the end of our lunch at home I began to feel weird. I was eating a popsicle (ice pop, for all non-Americans) when my tummy felt... strange. I managed to finish the ice pop and liked the taste, but it began to feel increasingly more wrong to ingest anything. Then the pains started.
I'm not sure how to describe the pain. It was abdominal, not firmly located in one place. One time it was spreading throughout my abdomen and lower part of the upper torso, then it were sharp stabbing pains. At some points it was bearable, just a bit sore-ish, then it suddenly intensified to the point where I didn't know what to do except grit my teeth and ride it out. The pain was so bad that I couldn't keep myself from crying, something I almost never do when in pain. In comparison the only thing which comes close in my experience is a severe migraine. It's a pain you can't ignore, can't escape from. Pieter was considering taking me to the ER.
After lying in my bed for what seemed like a very long time the pain must have subsided enough that I fell asleep from exhaustion and slept for 3 hours straight. I'm feeling much better now, although I really don't have an appetite, even skipping dinner which as far as I can remember is something I haven't done since the last time I was truly sick. Around when I was 8 years old or so. My temperature is normal and I feel relatively okay, I just don't have an appetite though I can drink tea without issues.
I haven't experienced a pain like this before. Considering the symptoms I'm thinking of food poisoning, though I'm not sure what might have caused it since I haven't eaten anything unusual or anything from a packaging or such I haven't eaten from before. I'll see how it goes tomorrow. Let's hope I can get back to work then.
Time to end this blog post which has gotten very long by now :)
Maya
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