Pregnancy Dream

Something had happened. I was lying on a hospital bed in the ward for pregnant/expecting women. The walls and ceiling seemed quite white to me. The sheets of the beds which were arranged in a column/row order were white. I was lying on one in the top-right corner if one keeps the entrance of the room at the left-hand side. I didn't see the entrance, but I knew it was there.

Two nurses were doting over me, telling me how it wasn't my fault that something had happened. It appeared that my unborn child had had a heart attack, yet I was the one who got the anti-coagulant injection. I got the injection in my left arm, when I looked at the spot I could see a kind of substance spurting out of it in a small jet of a few mm across, at the end of which (first a few cm, then about 1 cm high) the substance just seemed to vanish. I found myself wondering what it was and why no one commented on it, yet didn't feel very worried.

I knew that I was pregnant, a few months in. I didn't feel very worried about anything, mostly a semi-numb feeling, as though I wasn't fully aware of what was going on. Another part of me, however, was making itself known, pointing out that I couldn't be pregnant since I'm intersexual, that it wanted people to know, especially the one nurse who spent the most time with me, yet the rest of me didn't pay attention to this complaining part. Somehow it felt okay to ignore it.

One or more women in the room were talking about how great it was to have children almost from the very start of the dream, with the two nurses talking about it as well. Saying how it'd change my life for the better to have a child. Near the end I began to say how one child would be more than enough for me. The one nurse said something to the extent of how I could present the father (to my parents, it felt) and a mother. One of the other women then made a humorous remark about that comment.


Maya

Love

I don't want my body to be the center of controversy, of deceit and sorrow. I want to love it, to accept it. I want there to be a place for me as I am in this world, where I can be normal, just like everybody else. Virtually every part of my body and psyche has been debated, discussed, theories on it formed and rejected by some, accepted by others. Within all of this there is no place, no time, no space for 'me'.

Who am I? A human who calls herself Maya, who considers herself to be primarily female. A person who enjoys tinkering with technology, loves languages, science, music and the arts. Enjoys working on complex technological or logistical or scientific or... well, any issue that is complex enough to warrant her attention. She is sensitive to criticism, but does see the value of it and quickly adapts. Above all she wants everyone to be happy.

What am I? Human. Neither male nor female classification fits. Intersexual? Has to be. Evidence seems to suggest a female hermaphrodite, i.e. a hermaphrodite with a body which primarily leans towards being female. Seems fairly obvious and simple.

What does this mean for 'me'? Loneliness, being different, not even having a place on forms, during registrations and anything else requiring an official identity, as society officially doesn't acknowledge her as being primarily female ('f'), let alone as a hermaphrodite ('h'?). She has to adapt to a female role, ignoring the fact that she's a hermaphrodite. Ignoring a large part of what she is.

Today I read the first two chapters of the manga 'Aiesu' which you can read at http://www.mangavolume.com/index.php?serie=aiesu&chapter=aiesu-1&page_nr=1 and which involves a number of (fictional) stories on people (children) going through the painful experience of being intersexual. I recognized so much in those two chapters, especially the loneliness after deciding not to ignore being IS, and the pain of being different, of not being a part of 'normal' life, that I spent the next few hours in bed. Mostly crying, also reading a bit in my current book ('Good Omens', a very good book). Not until Pieter returned home from work and comforted me I began to settle down (after at least ten minutes).

Tomorrow is my next electrolysis session, will have to see when I'll schedule the next one. Friday appointment at UMCG, expecting the worst, hoping for salvation. Next week Wednesday appointment with therapist, not sure I feel like talking about my troubles, haven't found any method of transport I like yet either. Wish I could just borrow or rent a car. Maybe I'll just cancel.

Thursday magazine interview. Want to know the publication date. Hope it's my breakthrough in the media. I would love to talk at a seminar like in that Aiesu manga I linked to, to educate and inform people, especially since as that manga pointed out, 1 in every 2,000 children is born intersexual. Your child is more likely to be intersexual than that you'll ever win a significant prize in the lottery.


Maya

The Delusions Of Socializing

Things are going everything but smoothly prior to the UMCG appointment. Yesterday I had such a bad emotional collapse again that it left me fully drained with me falling asleep for two hours after the collapse itself of one full hour. The pervading thought appears to be that I'm a freak, something which is unnatural and that everything which is happening to me is a logical consequence of me having been born like this. Rationally I can't seem to get any grip on it, seeing as how I have to admit that my body isn't like that of the males and females around me and that I essentially do not have a place in society, especially not at the moment. It's just too hard, too impossible for me to deal with. I guess that's one thing where I once again need the media to find my place.

Today I decided to go to the gym again, which started off nicely, with the trainer who accompanied me and gym girl being present after a long vacation. Gradually, however, things got worse. First there was the lack of responsiveness on the side of the two staff members, people I had talked to before, knew about my issues and previously had no issues talking to me about it. Now they seemed very distant.

Another thing which really disturbed me was one guy at the gym who kept looking at me with a really creepy gaze. Whenever I glanced his way, he was looking straight at me and seemed to follow me around. The worst part was when at one point he was staring at me again and making... suggestive motions with one of his hands. At that point I felt almost sick to my stomach and was more than ready to go home.

All of it, today's events, the lack of actual socializing (not due to a lack of trying), gym girl ignoring me for months now no matter how I try to contact her, the distancing of the staff members and now creepy guys have made me decide to quit going to the gym. I'll cancel my subscription and be done with it. It's not like I need the exercise with me swimming a few hours every week already.

Right now I'm still not feeling alright, but I have made a promise to myself to at least remain faithful to my own dreams and plans for the future. I don't want to have the rest of my life ruined by humans whose lives are just pitiful and useless anyway. I'm worth more than that.

Anyway, work-wise things are going a bit tough as well, with me having wasted a few days on figuring out how to embed a layout engine like Gecko (Mozilla) or WebKit. The lack of useful documentation is excruciating, especially on Mozilla's side, with the wiki being a mixture of hopelessly outdated (1999, really?) and totally up to date (<1%) pages. Would make for a fun drinking game, I guess. One hit per outdated page, would leave one silly drunk after about ten minutes :D Right now I'm toying around with OffscreenGecko, which renders the output of the rendered page to a buffer which I can then use however I want. So far it seems promising.

So much to do, so little time...


Maya

Counting Down

Two events I'm counting down to at this point: appointment at the UMCG, 7 days; Grazia interview, 1 week, 6 days. Yesterday it hit me intensely how much I loathe going to hospitals, specialists and such, as well as how intensely grateful I am to Pieter that he is willing to accompany me. I wish from the bottom of my heart that this will be the last time that I'll be going to an appointment with such a great deal of uncertainty looming over me. After nearly five years of the same string of disappointments I think I'm due for a change of scenery, if you catch my drift. I really wish it was all over already.

I'm looking forward to the interview, though. To me it feels like a kind of justification of me stubbornly hanging on to what I feel is 'right', not necessarily about facts, but mostly about how someone with a pressing request for help should be treated. I feel like I have been treated akin to dirt by virtually every specialist and psychologist here in the Netherlands, with the real issues systematically being ignored. The magazine publication will not only make my situation and that of people like me more well-known, it should also help to uncover the truth behind the apparent fraud and other misconduct by Dutch hospitals. Just thinking back at what has happened to me thanks to them, I feel incredibly depressed as though they have literally taken away years and all purpose from my life. I hope that media attention and the hopefully resulting acceptation of who and what I am will help me regain some of my self-confidence and lessen this feeling of desperation.

Yesterday Pieter and I went to the house of a brother of his who is in the process of moving to a new house in order to pick up some furniture he doesn't need anymore. I have now gained a bed, a TV cabinet, couch and a small table for in the living room. Together with the things Pieter has for me, including a dinner table, I pretty much need just some dinner chairs and stuff for the kitchen and bathroom in my future apartment. Now the wait is on for the Bbz welfare recommendation report which the guy from the IMK is working on. I think he'll call me with the results early next week.

Today and the weekend I'll hardly see Pieter as today he has stuff to prepare for the wedding of a friend followed by that friend's bachelor party (including 'tasting' beer). He expects to be home around midnight, by which time I may already be asleep. Then tomorrow he'll leave early again for Enschede, for a Dungeons & Dragons geek fest the entire weekend. I think I may actually miss him :P

To avoid missing him too much, I'll be working on a few projects, including the new Content Management System (CMS) for the Nyanko site, Lilium and things for our current game, Even Cats Dream. I'm considering making the CMS (NCMS) available for free to others so as to speed up the debugging and development process, to eventually provide non-free licenses for commercial use (with support). Got to capitalize on what you have got, after all :)

So, time to get some breakfast and then back to work.


Maya

Tensions Rising

First of all a bit of positive news. As I have previously announced I have started treatment at a different beauty salon for hair-removal using electrical hair-removal, also known as electrolysis. I have had two treatments so far of 1.5 hours total and so far the results haven't been unimpressive. It'll take a few more weeks of treatment before I'll be able to see significant progress, though. Especially now in the beginning it's taking a quite heavy toll on my skin, with some swelling, soreness and red spots, but this should lessen as the total hair count drops.

I have canceled my appointment at the salon where I used to go to for the ELOS method. As the owner of the new salon pointed out with a small experiment, ELOS, ELLIPSE and such methods using laser would have never resulted in significant effects as my hair is simply too light. I feel silly now for not switching to this method sooner, although in my defense it took me some effort to find a salon which actually offers the electrolysis treatment. A sacrifice I have to make for this new treatment, however, is that the hairs have to be long enough to be pulled out by tweezers, and thus I can't shave a few days prior to a treatment session. While it'd take about a week of not shaving for people to really notice it on me, it still doesn't feel comfortable to me.

Now I just have to take care of the financial side of things to be able to finance this new treatment. It may work a lot better and faster than ELOS, but with weekly treatments I'll be broke without significant income before I'll know it. Hopefully I get good news on the Bbz request this week with the first cheque shortly after that. I'll probably have to borrow some more money from family members before that time, though.

Thursday I noted that the UMCG said to call back on Friday or Monday, but Monday Pieter had to call for me. We learned that the professor hadn't replied to the email they had sent him and would now try to call him. After a few hours we got a call back informing us that the appointment was now scheduled for August 21st at 2 PM. A written confirmation will follow by mail.

While I'm glad the appointment game seems to be over now, I nevertheless find it even harder to relax right now than a few weeks ago. At this point I feel completely on edge the moment I wake up until I fall asleep, often from sheer exhaustion. This morning I discussed the matter with Pieter and got quite agitated. I know that Pieter tries to remain as neutral as possible on this issue, not wanting to jump to conclusions and/or judge people, but especially now it seems to clash with my way of thinking.

I'm not out to prove anything... I truly just want to know the facts, disappointing as they may be, the thing is just that all of the available evidence seems to point to a few Dutch hospitals having lied and deceived me,invalidating their contradicting reports. What can be logically concluded other than that the two German reports are correct and I am indeed a hermaphrodite? It is not like the Dutch hospitals offer me any alternative solution anyway. They quit calling me a boy, quit calling me a transsexual, refuse to call me intersexual, refuse to test, research or investigate. They say they want to 'help' me, but refuse to give concrete details on how they want to help.

Both logically and emotionally I can only find myself siding with the German reports, and thus I find it very hard to argue with someone who wants to give the Dutch hospitals more credit than I feel they deserve. Logically I fail to see their trustworthiness, emotionally I simply hate and despise them for what they have done to me.

I just want to have the 21st come and go...


Maya

Appointments

Today I find myself experiencing some mildly sore muscles due to the exercise I got during the modelling yesterday while standing perfectly still in less than comfortable positions. I'm sure it was worth it, though.

Pieter called the UMCG this morning, but the person managing the schedule wasn't available right away, so they'd call back. I just got called back and in summary there is no appointment on file on the 21st for me. They thought that perhaps professor Weijmar Schultz may have only written it down in his own agenda. Unfortunately he isn't present today. The woman I talked to said she'd send him an email and I'd probably be called back again on Friday or else Monday. Let's hope this gets cleared up soon. Things are exciting enough already without having to play the appointment game.

I'll be going to take a nap in a moment as I didn't get much sleep last night. Had trouble falling asleep and woke up after less than four hours. After I wake up I'll be starting work on the new custom webshop for Nyanko. I have looked at existing options before, such as ZenCart, but none of them seems to offer much in terms of options for digital distribution, documentation and easy customizability. Instead of modifying one of those to my liking it'd be a lot faster to just write my own solution.

To which end I have procured a payment module (credit cards, PayPal, etc.) as that is the most crucial bit of code in the entire shop. User accounts and sessions will be encrypted using AES with the standard features of a webshop of course being present, such as a shopping basket and account profile section. The webshop is being developed as a module for the new CMS (Nyanko CMS; NCMS), which will be launched together before the first game is released.

It's still a lot of work, but I'm confident it will be ready on time. I only wish that I had more time to work on projects like Lilium, but one can't have everything, I guess :)


Maya

Photoshoot

Yesterday and today have been pretty much about today's photoshoot. Yesterday I spent half the day on personal/beauty care, cleaning up the house and doing laundry. This morning I was ready for the photoshoot well on time, having had a proper breakfast, shower and everything.

At 10.30 AM the photographer and the cosmetician arrived. While the latter was setting up her stuff I talked with the photographer, who seemed quite interested in my story. They had only gotten the basics so far, especially since the interview hasn't been performed yet. Both of them seemed quite amazed at how terrible the Dutch hospitals have treated me so far and suggested ways to get me into more magazines and newspapers. They expect that after my appearance in the Grazia I'll get a lot more offers for interviews.

Putting on the make-up and doing my hair took fairly long, I estimate around an hour. We continued chatting during this. Afterwards I went with the cosmetician upstairs to my room to pick out some clothes and shoes. We picked out some white pants (which we ended up not using) and a red top. For shoes some high heels. By that time Pieter came downstairs for his lunch break as he was working from home today again. He stared at me for a while in what I can only assume was amazement due to the make-up I was wearing. As the bright lights used during photography tend to make colours 'fade' it is important to boost those, especially around areas like the eyes and the face in general. I thought it looked okay, just a tad more make-up than I usually put on myself :P

Before we left to take the pictures, the photographer went upstairs with me to look at the MRI images as she thought those would be interesting for the article as well. She thought it was quite obvious what could be seen on the images and couldn't see how anyone could deny it.

As all the photos would be taken outside, the two women and I went outside to their car to check out a few suitable locations. We ended up taking pictures at a row of houses near my place,with a wood-like structure on the side of the wall, next to a few pillars and such. Two more locations were used, one at a small park, another next to a big tree with a field of sunflowers next to it. I think I narrowly avoided a sunburn as I had forgotten to put on some sun lotion. It was pretty fun, though, including the part where the cosmetician took off my bra as it didn't look right while wearing the red top. Has to be the first time a woman has unhooked my bra so far :P Even the part where I was standing on top of some rocks while wearing the high heels was kind of fun, especially since I didn't fall ;)

Also fun were the people watching us, with one man who was walking by commenting on what a great model I was. I think I smiled a lot today :) I think I would be fine with more attention, as I'm most definitely not introverted. On a sidenote, I hope to receive a copy of the taken pictures from the photographer soon, which I'll then put up on my site.

Another thing I'm kind of happy about is that I finally found a place here in Almere where they offer permanent hair-removal using electrolysis. I made an appointment there for Friday. If it works out I'll be cancelling my appointment at the place where I used to go to, as the laser (ELOS) method I have used so far just has no significant effect any more on light hairs. With some luck I could be rid of the last few hairs in a year or so. I'm really looking forward to that moment.

Right now I kind of feel terribly impatient at having to wait three weeks until the interview for the Grazia (which is a so-called 'glossy' magazine, and weekly published, by the way). Both because I want to see the results of having my article published in it as soon as possible, and also because I enjoy the attention :) Not that I'm doing this all just because to get attention... far from it. At this point the media is my only defense against the lies from the Dutch hospitals, and the only way to make people aware of what's going on, both in my particular case and with intersexuals in general. There really isn't much pleasant about being intersexual due to the treatment such people receive, many from the second they're born. This can't continue.

Talking about which, I still haven't received a confirmation (written or otherwise) from the UMCG on my appointment. I only got a date from an email from professor Weijmar Schultz, but further attempts to get a confirmation on the appointment by email have been met by silence. Pieter tried to call the UMCG for me today, but the department in question is only available from 8 AM to 12 PM. I may call tomorrow, or else ask Pieter to call again for me on Friday, assuming he works from home that way.

As I indicated I feel like only the media is really giving me the attention I need at this point. I hope it doesn't stay this way.


Maya