I'm beginning to discern a pattern: talk in-depth about my troubles and wake up the next day feeling like a wrung-out towel. This time around I even got some extra fun, with me feeling utterly nauseous last night for the better part of an hour while I was lying in bed. Most unpleasant. This morning - which started at around 4.50 AM for me - I awoke to a headache, as well as being overly sensitive to sounds and lights. Yes, like a hangover, but without the drinking the day before :)
Yesterday morning I had my second torture appointment of the week, followed by rushing home to ready myself to catch the first train to Amsterdam where I met up with my friend, after which she and I left for the Film Museum, at the Vondelpark. At that point I had had breakfast and a quick lunch involving a croissant with jam, she had had nothing yet. She tried to convince me to eat something as well, but I said I wasn't hungry. Which I wasn't.
The movie Casablanca is interesting. It is set in late 1941, right after the German invasion of France and in particular Paris, which isn't a setting we get to see very often in movies, unless I missed some. For such an old black and white movie it's really great, it draws you into the story, even despite some rather silly facepalm moments in the dialogue (be warned of the 'romantic' scenes), and right up till the very end you really don't know what's going to happen. I'd definitely recommend this movie.
After the movie my friend convinced me to eat something as well, which basically meant a late lunch. While we were sitting there at the table of the restaurant, we talked a lot about a lot of things and while very interesting and probably useful, it does take quite a toll on a person. By the time I got home I literally crashed, dragging myself upstairs for some quick tea while trying to stay awake long enough. I did go along with the walking of the dogs, though, which resulted in both Pieter and I (as well as the dogs of course, but they don't care about it) getting soaked with a keenly executed attack from the rainclouds above. In short: it was dry when we left the house, and dry again by the time we got back. Don't you just love the Dutch weather?
Yesterday morning I also finished part 5 of In Between and Neither. Yes, it's a tad depressing, but hey, so is my life. Just be glad I don't go to such extremes yet as Alice :) To be quite honest I'm glad I haven't been beaten up like she has so far; I did get bullied a lot in the past, but fortunately nobody knew my 'secret' yet back then. Including me. Sigh.
Today it's back to the trenches as I resume my work on TileWars. Expect a big update on that one soon. I also got the feedback from my cousin on the site design mockup I made for her company's site. Got to incorporate these suggestions.
I just hope I'll manage today despite my condition. I'm definitely feeling under the weather, even after sleeping away most of the morning.
Maya
Thursday, 16 September 2010
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
Annoyances And Progress
Any person I meet I try to give a fair chance at proving him or herself to me, and I try to be patient and open whenever the situation asks for it. That said, I'm currently quite taxed by this friend Pieter has staying over from Taiwan at the moment. I already knew she was a bit 'unusual', but it's not often that I meet someone who is so withdrawn, so impossible to approach, maybe even aloof, let alone possible to understand. I have more or less given up on trying to start even a basic conversation and went to my beauty salon appointment this morning sooner than usual just to get away from it all. There's something unnerving about having someone staying at your place who is essentially a stranger and does everything possible to keep things that way. It creeps me out. I know it isn't nice to say, but I'll be glad when she leaves tomorrow.
Despite all this, I had a good day yesterday, despite or maybe thanks to a dose of sleep-deprivation. I completed some resources for TileWars, mostly for the menu and finished a mockup of the site design I'm making for my cousin's business. I also wrote the first page of part 5 of In Between and Neither, which I intend to finish later today. I'll also check out the 3D capabilities in Photoshop CS5 and get the first avatar model coloured. Using Genetica I will try to create a mockup of the Nyanko splash screen. It's a busy schedule for sure.
As an aside, I mentioned the aftershocks of my dating adventure before. When I returned home earlier from my appointment Pieter and his friend were watching a Friends episode (a New Year one). At some point there was some kissing and I really couldn't look at it as it made me feel very ill inside. It's the first time I have felt like that. I'm not sure what it means.
Maya
Despite all this, I had a good day yesterday, despite or maybe thanks to a dose of sleep-deprivation. I completed some resources for TileWars, mostly for the menu and finished a mockup of the site design I'm making for my cousin's business. I also wrote the first page of part 5 of In Between and Neither, which I intend to finish later today. I'll also check out the 3D capabilities in Photoshop CS5 and get the first avatar model coloured. Using Genetica I will try to create a mockup of the Nyanko splash screen. It's a busy schedule for sure.
As an aside, I mentioned the aftershocks of my dating adventure before. When I returned home earlier from my appointment Pieter and his friend were watching a Friends episode (a New Year one). At some point there was some kissing and I really couldn't look at it as it made me feel very ill inside. It's the first time I have felt like that. I'm not sure what it means.
Maya
Saturday, 11 September 2010
Making The Case For Intersexuality
Yesterday I released part 4 of In Between and Neither. It's not the ending of this story as some have asked me. Consider it to be the introduction having come to an end. The real story starts from here. How it'll end? I will tell you right after I know how my own life is going to proceed from here on.
Also yesterday was the first photoshoot with the photography student. This time she mostly did profile shots. Later this month we'll probably do another shoot involving more full-body shots. The question she and I have been mulling over is how to use a photograph to basically show that a person is intersexual.
Take my case: when I'm just walking or sitting about, everyone will assume that I'm just a regular girl, whether walking around fully clothed on the streets or in a skimpy bikini at the swimming pool. Including a picture of me in her project is therefore going to be about as effective as including a picture of any reasonably attractive regular girl. Nobody will be able to tell the difference. So what's the solution?
The most obvious solution is of course to take away every bit of clothing, to show everything and make it completely obvious that this body of mine with its near-perfect feminine curves has an oddity to it. A possible problem with this is how to do it without make it look out of place. It has to be done in a tasteful manner. I'll leave that issue to the student. I just discussed it with her, asking her about the target public, which turned out to be mostly teachers and students at her school, so there's the assumption of a reasonable level of maturity among the viewers. I guess I'll find out later this month what she came up with. I'm just the model :)
Moving on... the aftershocks of my dating trial are still causing damage and it'll probably take a while longer for things to settle down a bit. With relationship and sexuality no longer being of relevance to me they have already been dumped into the 'unwanted and evil' bin by my emotional side. I think it's acting mostly out of confusion, as it seems to be unable to understand anything about these topics. Logically I can not seem to make head or tails out of it, other than to discard both as silly courtship and reproduction rituals which have no relevance to me. Whether trying out this dating thing was the right choice is still very much up for debate.
Anyway, at least I did keep my date as a good friend, and Wednesday we're going to see a movie: Casablanca from 1942 with Humphrey Bogart (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0034583/), a classic I have wanted to see for a long time. I'm a sucker for certain old movies and this might be one of them. Another one I saw a while ago thanks to Pieter was 12 Angry Men from 1957 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050083/) which was fascinating even though the characters in this movie never leave the room they're in until the very end. It was all in the acting and dialogue, in other words. Definitely recommended.
Next week is going to be busy again, with that movie on Wednesday and my usual torture appointments on Tuesday and Wednesday. At least the latter seems to be making serious progress now, with the last traces of facial hair rapidly diminishing and playing an increasingly less important role in my daily life. With some luck it may be done by the end of the year. I'll then have spent somewhere around 5,000 Euro on it, and recouped maybe 750-1,000 Euro via my insurance company. Being intersexual is an expensive hobby.
Pieter is also going to have a friend over from Taiwan this coming week, who he'll have to show around this little country. It's somewhat funny that it takes less than a week to show basically everything of relevance in this country. I have never met this friend of Pieter before, but I doubt I'll see much of her except at breakfast and sometimes dinner. Not that this matters to me, except that I may have to cook for myself a few times. I like strict planning :)
Going back to yesterday's talks with the photography student, one thing she was quite adament about and which I agree with is that of including teaching about intersexuality at schools, during biology and other relevant classes. it's ridiculous that each year in this country alone tens of thousands of children if not more are born intersexual and 80-90% of this country or so isn't even aware that intersexuality exists, or what it is really, with a similar pattern among medical personnel. I would really like to lobby politicians to give this issue some attention, but I'm not sure my voice carries any kind of power. Most likely it will just get ignored.
I also compared the current taboo on intersexuality with that of the racial segregation in the US in the 60s. It took a few coloured people to stand up and say that they weren't going to take the way things were any longer, and that they demanded change. This is what should happen among intersexuals as well. The student's experiences when contacting AIS Nederlands, an organization for intersexuals, was that none of its members wanted to do anything for her project except just maybe have an anonymous interview. My experiences with other intersexuals are much the same.
Intersexuality isn't something to be ashamed of. We were born this way and we deserve to be recognized as such, public opinion be damned. Who's marching with me? :)
Maya
Also yesterday was the first photoshoot with the photography student. This time she mostly did profile shots. Later this month we'll probably do another shoot involving more full-body shots. The question she and I have been mulling over is how to use a photograph to basically show that a person is intersexual.
Take my case: when I'm just walking or sitting about, everyone will assume that I'm just a regular girl, whether walking around fully clothed on the streets or in a skimpy bikini at the swimming pool. Including a picture of me in her project is therefore going to be about as effective as including a picture of any reasonably attractive regular girl. Nobody will be able to tell the difference. So what's the solution?
The most obvious solution is of course to take away every bit of clothing, to show everything and make it completely obvious that this body of mine with its near-perfect feminine curves has an oddity to it. A possible problem with this is how to do it without make it look out of place. It has to be done in a tasteful manner. I'll leave that issue to the student. I just discussed it with her, asking her about the target public, which turned out to be mostly teachers and students at her school, so there's the assumption of a reasonable level of maturity among the viewers. I guess I'll find out later this month what she came up with. I'm just the model :)
Moving on... the aftershocks of my dating trial are still causing damage and it'll probably take a while longer for things to settle down a bit. With relationship and sexuality no longer being of relevance to me they have already been dumped into the 'unwanted and evil' bin by my emotional side. I think it's acting mostly out of confusion, as it seems to be unable to understand anything about these topics. Logically I can not seem to make head or tails out of it, other than to discard both as silly courtship and reproduction rituals which have no relevance to me. Whether trying out this dating thing was the right choice is still very much up for debate.
Anyway, at least I did keep my date as a good friend, and Wednesday we're going to see a movie: Casablanca from 1942 with Humphrey Bogart (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0034583/), a classic I have wanted to see for a long time. I'm a sucker for certain old movies and this might be one of them. Another one I saw a while ago thanks to Pieter was 12 Angry Men from 1957 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050083/) which was fascinating even though the characters in this movie never leave the room they're in until the very end. It was all in the acting and dialogue, in other words. Definitely recommended.
Next week is going to be busy again, with that movie on Wednesday and my usual torture appointments on Tuesday and Wednesday. At least the latter seems to be making serious progress now, with the last traces of facial hair rapidly diminishing and playing an increasingly less important role in my daily life. With some luck it may be done by the end of the year. I'll then have spent somewhere around 5,000 Euro on it, and recouped maybe 750-1,000 Euro via my insurance company. Being intersexual is an expensive hobby.
Pieter is also going to have a friend over from Taiwan this coming week, who he'll have to show around this little country. It's somewhat funny that it takes less than a week to show basically everything of relevance in this country. I have never met this friend of Pieter before, but I doubt I'll see much of her except at breakfast and sometimes dinner. Not that this matters to me, except that I may have to cook for myself a few times. I like strict planning :)
Going back to yesterday's talks with the photography student, one thing she was quite adament about and which I agree with is that of including teaching about intersexuality at schools, during biology and other relevant classes. it's ridiculous that each year in this country alone tens of thousands of children if not more are born intersexual and 80-90% of this country or so isn't even aware that intersexuality exists, or what it is really, with a similar pattern among medical personnel. I would really like to lobby politicians to give this issue some attention, but I'm not sure my voice carries any kind of power. Most likely it will just get ignored.
I also compared the current taboo on intersexuality with that of the racial segregation in the US in the 60s. It took a few coloured people to stand up and say that they weren't going to take the way things were any longer, and that they demanded change. This is what should happen among intersexuals as well. The student's experiences when contacting AIS Nederlands, an organization for intersexuals, was that none of its members wanted to do anything for her project except just maybe have an anonymous interview. My experiences with other intersexuals are much the same.
Intersexuality isn't something to be ashamed of. We were born this way and we deserve to be recognized as such, public opinion be damned. Who's marching with me? :)
Maya
Friday, 10 September 2010
Vestigial Emotions
I just woke up from apparently a fairly restless sleep. It's a tad past 5 AM and I really don't think I'll be able to sleep any more. Partially because both the dog of the neighbour is barking (audible through multiple walls) and Pieter's dogs (he himself being in Belgium at the moment) happily wailing along. I also realized something I wasn't aware of yesterday, while I was having my third and apparently last date with this girl I was dating.
Often have I commented on how strong my rational side is, and how weak my emotional side, and yesterday was an excellent demonstration of it. The thing is that before yesterday this girl and I had an email exchange in which she mentioned her doubts about the long-term prospective of our relationship, and yesterday we decided that we would just go on as hopefully good friends.
When I got her first, 'I got to tell you something' style email, emotionally I first didn't respond to it other than wanting to throw the email away largely unread and just blame this retarded body of mine for everything, as it usually is at fault anyway. How I felt about it at the time? I don't know, apparently kind of upset, because I felt quite bad and spent half an hour crying or wailing, rather. Then Pieter asked to read the email as well and deduced that I had been largely overreacting. Score one for my emotional side.
Yesterday I thought that my emotional side was present during the exchange as well, yet looking back it seems like it shut down somewhere around Wednesday afternoon, when I had a pretty bad emotional collapse and stayed in bed until dinner time feeling sick. Then after dinner I collapsed again, and had to drag myself literally upstairs to my bed, where I withdrew into myself for a bit, until I began to get this horrible feeling again of needing to escape, and suicide being the only option. It's a far too familiar feeling and its pull is incredibly strong. Only Pieter's intervention probably kept me from doing something foolish.
Anyway, yesterday this girl and I had this heavily emotional conversation, talking about relationship stuff and such. After deciding to just be friends from then on, I felt relieved inside, and I thought at the time that it was my emotional side which was feeling that, and that it was okay with it. Even suffering another bad emotional collapse during dinner didn't seem to dampen my conviction of that. This collapse was a new type; it mostly seemed to weaken my muscle control but not obliterate it while jumbling my thoughts and making it unable for me to think clearly, let alone speak.
When I woke up earlier I realized that my emotional side hadn't been involved yesterday at all, that it was my rational side which had taken over and concluded that relationship stuff is irrelevant anyway, or something. It just doesn't like anything for which it can't see any practical purpose. This morning I could notice my emotional side whining, feeling lonely and useless. It seems to have decided that relationships and sexuality are highly overrated pieces of junk anyway, meaning that apparently I'm back to square minus one-hundred on those again.
At this point I'm really not sure whether my emotional side serves any kind of useful purpose and isn't just a stupid prank or left-over thing. The only thing it's good for is getting in the way, tricking me into doing stupid things and basically standing for everything my rational side loathes. I wish I could cut it out like a diseased appendix.
To be clear, I'm not upset. At this point my rational side is in control as usual. It's just highly annoyed at this blubbering piece of emotional side which keeps messing my life up. With it out of the way there wouldn't be disrupting thoughts and worries, no pain and no frustrations. Ergo it's a cancerous element and preferably removed before it can do more damage.
Elementary, you know?
Maya
Often have I commented on how strong my rational side is, and how weak my emotional side, and yesterday was an excellent demonstration of it. The thing is that before yesterday this girl and I had an email exchange in which she mentioned her doubts about the long-term prospective of our relationship, and yesterday we decided that we would just go on as hopefully good friends.
When I got her first, 'I got to tell you something' style email, emotionally I first didn't respond to it other than wanting to throw the email away largely unread and just blame this retarded body of mine for everything, as it usually is at fault anyway. How I felt about it at the time? I don't know, apparently kind of upset, because I felt quite bad and spent half an hour crying or wailing, rather. Then Pieter asked to read the email as well and deduced that I had been largely overreacting. Score one for my emotional side.
Yesterday I thought that my emotional side was present during the exchange as well, yet looking back it seems like it shut down somewhere around Wednesday afternoon, when I had a pretty bad emotional collapse and stayed in bed until dinner time feeling sick. Then after dinner I collapsed again, and had to drag myself literally upstairs to my bed, where I withdrew into myself for a bit, until I began to get this horrible feeling again of needing to escape, and suicide being the only option. It's a far too familiar feeling and its pull is incredibly strong. Only Pieter's intervention probably kept me from doing something foolish.
Anyway, yesterday this girl and I had this heavily emotional conversation, talking about relationship stuff and such. After deciding to just be friends from then on, I felt relieved inside, and I thought at the time that it was my emotional side which was feeling that, and that it was okay with it. Even suffering another bad emotional collapse during dinner didn't seem to dampen my conviction of that. This collapse was a new type; it mostly seemed to weaken my muscle control but not obliterate it while jumbling my thoughts and making it unable for me to think clearly, let alone speak.
When I woke up earlier I realized that my emotional side hadn't been involved yesterday at all, that it was my rational side which had taken over and concluded that relationship stuff is irrelevant anyway, or something. It just doesn't like anything for which it can't see any practical purpose. This morning I could notice my emotional side whining, feeling lonely and useless. It seems to have decided that relationships and sexuality are highly overrated pieces of junk anyway, meaning that apparently I'm back to square minus one-hundred on those again.
At this point I'm really not sure whether my emotional side serves any kind of useful purpose and isn't just a stupid prank or left-over thing. The only thing it's good for is getting in the way, tricking me into doing stupid things and basically standing for everything my rational side loathes. I wish I could cut it out like a diseased appendix.
To be clear, I'm not upset. At this point my rational side is in control as usual. It's just highly annoyed at this blubbering piece of emotional side which keeps messing my life up. With it out of the way there wouldn't be disrupting thoughts and worries, no pain and no frustrations. Ergo it's a cancerous element and preferably removed before it can do more damage.
Elementary, you know?
Maya
Wednesday, 8 September 2010
Making Sense Of What Doesn't Make Sense
Yesterday I finished part 3 of In Between and Neither. In this episode we see more controversy, more violence and twisted perspectives. Check it out at my Scribd account, at http://www.scribd.com/MayaPosch. Writing this part was tough as usual, with the first section being particularly draining, and the rest revealing parts of my personality I hadn't expected. It definitely was unexpected, even to me.
Some of it was no doubt influenced by a recent development in my life, namely that of dating. It's a brand new experience to me and brings a lot of fuss with it, with both sides having to figure out where they want things to lead to, what their expectations are, what the other person wants and needs. I'm fairly confident in stating that walking through a minefield is probably a heck of a lot less accident-prone.
Anyway, today I suffered a pretty serious burn-out, spending most of the afternoon in bed sleeping and staring at the ceiling. I think that the recent things surrounding this whole dating thing have just added that little bit extra stress to make the proverbial cup overflow. I guess the worst part of this whole stress overflow thing is the hyper-ventilating combined with a sensation of... despair I guess, where one feels so much pain and one's outlook on the future is more pitch-black than bleak. If I hadn't nagged Pieter about it earlier when I felt so terrible I might have done something stupid again. I guess that's where one absolutely requires good friends nearby.
With this dating stuff that's also the main thing I'm looking for. My date wrongfully assumed at first that I was looking for commitment and a serious long-term relationship, whereas I'm just looking for stability and someone who can guide me while I explore this 'relationship' and 'sexuality' thing in a way which won't further scar or traumatise me. I must say that my date so far has managed this quite well, and that it has changed the way I look at some things already. I won't say silly things like that I suddenly understand what it feels like to be in love, as I still refuse to believe that there is such a thing beyond a neurotransmitter imbalance in the brain caused by a boobytrap planted there by that pesky evolution thing.
But enough blathering from my side. Tomorrow I'll be seeing my date again; we're going wander around the city for a bit and talk about serious stuff. Friday I would be home alone with Pieter gone for a family party in Belgium if it wasn't for the photography student dropping by to do that photoshoot for her project. Seems like I'm going to be the main subject in that project. I guess I should be honoured.
Tonight I'm going to take that sleeping pill I skimped on last night. Got to be all fresh and awake for my date, and of course do some work tomorrow morning. TileWars isn't going to finish itself.
On a sidenote, here is the cover I designed for the In Between and Neither story. Let me know your thoughts on it :)
Maya
Some of it was no doubt influenced by a recent development in my life, namely that of dating. It's a brand new experience to me and brings a lot of fuss with it, with both sides having to figure out where they want things to lead to, what their expectations are, what the other person wants and needs. I'm fairly confident in stating that walking through a minefield is probably a heck of a lot less accident-prone.
Anyway, today I suffered a pretty serious burn-out, spending most of the afternoon in bed sleeping and staring at the ceiling. I think that the recent things surrounding this whole dating thing have just added that little bit extra stress to make the proverbial cup overflow. I guess the worst part of this whole stress overflow thing is the hyper-ventilating combined with a sensation of... despair I guess, where one feels so much pain and one's outlook on the future is more pitch-black than bleak. If I hadn't nagged Pieter about it earlier when I felt so terrible I might have done something stupid again. I guess that's where one absolutely requires good friends nearby.
With this dating stuff that's also the main thing I'm looking for. My date wrongfully assumed at first that I was looking for commitment and a serious long-term relationship, whereas I'm just looking for stability and someone who can guide me while I explore this 'relationship' and 'sexuality' thing in a way which won't further scar or traumatise me. I must say that my date so far has managed this quite well, and that it has changed the way I look at some things already. I won't say silly things like that I suddenly understand what it feels like to be in love, as I still refuse to believe that there is such a thing beyond a neurotransmitter imbalance in the brain caused by a boobytrap planted there by that pesky evolution thing.
But enough blathering from my side. Tomorrow I'll be seeing my date again; we're going wander around the city for a bit and talk about serious stuff. Friday I would be home alone with Pieter gone for a family party in Belgium if it wasn't for the photography student dropping by to do that photoshoot for her project. Seems like I'm going to be the main subject in that project. I guess I should be honoured.
Tonight I'm going to take that sleeping pill I skimped on last night. Got to be all fresh and awake for my date, and of course do some work tomorrow morning. TileWars isn't going to finish itself.
On a sidenote, here is the cover I designed for the In Between and Neither story. Let me know your thoughts on it :)
Maya
Sunday, 5 September 2010
Birthday
Yesterday was my birthday. For a change I didn't really feel that depressed or anything at all about it. What I did worry about a bit was having this new friend - the English student, if I mentioned her before - over for the weekend; thanks to previous and virtually all bad or at least terribly confusing meetings like this I was feeling most definitely apprehensive about it. As it turns out, this feeling was totally unwarranted.
On Saturday I first got my birthday gifts from Pieter: a Hello Kitty plushie and keyring as well as a new hairdryer. What can I say? I'm a sucker for cute stuff :) Pieter and I did groceries as usual, dropped off a package at the post office and returned home where I had time for a quick breakfast. At close to 11 AM I had to catch a train to Amsterdam where I met up with this English student and my mother, the latter having asked me to meet her there as it would be more convenient for her. This would be the second time I would meet this student.
After a bit of logistics we finally met up at the train station where the student gave me her birthday gift: a CD featuring music by her and another girl. After waiting for a bit - my mom's train was supposed to arrive at 11.32, but this turned out to be 11.38 for some reason - but eventually we found each other as well. My mom really wanted to meet this new friend of mine, so she finally got the chance.
We went to a little cafe some distance away from the station where we had a drink. My mom gave me this heart I could write a message on, a pair of luxurious chopsticks and some money. What puzzled me a bit was that when the student was away for a moment my mom said to me "Well done finding this girl." or something to that effect. I wasn't sure what to think of that. I actually still don't :)
Anyway, my mom got picked up by a friend of her while the student and I went back to her place to pick up some things she would need, like a swimsuit. We walked both ways through the streets and parks of Amsterdam, which was made very pleasant by the fine weather. Eventually we returned to the train station and caught the first train back to Almere.
Once back home we had cake, drinks and tea, then watched a movie (Spaceballs, a classic), had dinner (Chinese take-out, yum) and the student and I took a walk, then watched another movie together (Secret Window, an okay movie based on a book by Stephen King). After that she was pretty much nodding off already, so we decided to go to bed early.
For me this was the first time I really did the 'pillow talk' thing; talking about mostly girl stuff with another girl. I must say that it is pretty fun ^_^ It's times like that when I miss not having had any female friends before. Actually falling asleep was more difficult for me, with PTSD flashbacks keeping me awake. Eventually I did manage, but I have no idea whether I slept more than a few hours at most. The student had no such issues, though :P
After getting up we had to rush to make it to the pool, where we had a fun time. The student got a chance to socialize a bit with my other friends/Pieter's friends, while I caught up with some people I hadn't seen or spoken to since the summer vacation started. This was pretty fun, especially to see those Chinese girls and their mother again. They seemed very energetic today and when they saw me they called out my name, asking me to join them. I love children like them :)
A few hours after we got back from the pool the student had to leave for an appointment. I took a nap soon after that, as I felt pretty tired. Waking up from it, I felt rested but also kind of lonely. It's easy to get used to the presence of fun people :) I'm really glad I met a friend like her: someone who is fun to talk to, mostly sane and likes to have in-depth talks on the finer points of life and everything. It's something I used to do a lot with my mom a few years ago, and it's fun to do it again but this time with someone my age.
All in all, not a bad birthday, and I think those long talks with this student are really changing me. It certainly beats visiting a shrink ;) I also like discussing such matters in English instead of Dutch, due to the former being so much more expressive. I'm having some difficulty at the moment switching back to talking Dutch again, as I seem to have a strong preference for English. Fortunately not many people get to hear me talk in Dutch :P
Maya
On Saturday I first got my birthday gifts from Pieter: a Hello Kitty plushie and keyring as well as a new hairdryer. What can I say? I'm a sucker for cute stuff :) Pieter and I did groceries as usual, dropped off a package at the post office and returned home where I had time for a quick breakfast. At close to 11 AM I had to catch a train to Amsterdam where I met up with this English student and my mother, the latter having asked me to meet her there as it would be more convenient for her. This would be the second time I would meet this student.
After a bit of logistics we finally met up at the train station where the student gave me her birthday gift: a CD featuring music by her and another girl. After waiting for a bit - my mom's train was supposed to arrive at 11.32, but this turned out to be 11.38 for some reason - but eventually we found each other as well. My mom really wanted to meet this new friend of mine, so she finally got the chance.
We went to a little cafe some distance away from the station where we had a drink. My mom gave me this heart I could write a message on, a pair of luxurious chopsticks and some money. What puzzled me a bit was that when the student was away for a moment my mom said to me "Well done finding this girl." or something to that effect. I wasn't sure what to think of that. I actually still don't :)
Anyway, my mom got picked up by a friend of her while the student and I went back to her place to pick up some things she would need, like a swimsuit. We walked both ways through the streets and parks of Amsterdam, which was made very pleasant by the fine weather. Eventually we returned to the train station and caught the first train back to Almere.
Once back home we had cake, drinks and tea, then watched a movie (Spaceballs, a classic), had dinner (Chinese take-out, yum) and the student and I took a walk, then watched another movie together (Secret Window, an okay movie based on a book by Stephen King). After that she was pretty much nodding off already, so we decided to go to bed early.
For me this was the first time I really did the 'pillow talk' thing; talking about mostly girl stuff with another girl. I must say that it is pretty fun ^_^ It's times like that when I miss not having had any female friends before. Actually falling asleep was more difficult for me, with PTSD flashbacks keeping me awake. Eventually I did manage, but I have no idea whether I slept more than a few hours at most. The student had no such issues, though :P
After getting up we had to rush to make it to the pool, where we had a fun time. The student got a chance to socialize a bit with my other friends/Pieter's friends, while I caught up with some people I hadn't seen or spoken to since the summer vacation started. This was pretty fun, especially to see those Chinese girls and their mother again. They seemed very energetic today and when they saw me they called out my name, asking me to join them. I love children like them :)
A few hours after we got back from the pool the student had to leave for an appointment. I took a nap soon after that, as I felt pretty tired. Waking up from it, I felt rested but also kind of lonely. It's easy to get used to the presence of fun people :) I'm really glad I met a friend like her: someone who is fun to talk to, mostly sane and likes to have in-depth talks on the finer points of life and everything. It's something I used to do a lot with my mom a few years ago, and it's fun to do it again but this time with someone my age.
All in all, not a bad birthday, and I think those long talks with this student are really changing me. It certainly beats visiting a shrink ;) I also like discussing such matters in English instead of Dutch, due to the former being so much more expressive. I'm having some difficulty at the moment switching back to talking Dutch again, as I seem to have a strong preference for English. Fortunately not many people get to hear me talk in Dutch :P
Maya
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
In Between And Neither
On Monday I wrote and published the next part of the In Between and Neither story which is slowly turning into a novel. You can read both parts which have been published so far here: http://www.scribd.com/document_collections/2600543.
For me this story is also very interesting, as it is a different way of looking at myself and at my past. There are a lot of elements in it which really happened, some of them exactly as in the story, others in different situations or contexts, with some elements made up, but which are still 'what ifs'. What if I had found out about what was going on when I was still going to school? What if this mob who bullied me during primary school had found another thing to latch on to?
The character Alice is of course completely based on me, and I just threw her into a slightly different universe, with some of the above changes added. As far as I can tell it makes for a story which is in many ways different from my own life, and yet offers many insights which are relevant to my own life. I guess it offers a form of therapy.
Catherine is the mother figure, who has experienced something terrible herself, allowing her to gain a better understanding of the darker side of humanity. I think her character is based mostly on this woman I met a few years ago, who when she was about my age had a boyfriend who turned out to be somewhat like those figures you see in bad horror movies. In short she got terribly abused in a sexual manner by that boyfriend. In the story there's no such experience for Catherine, but something which applies more directly to Alice's situation. In a sense Alice is the daughter Catherine was never able to see grow up thanks to ignorance.
Writing these chapters is quite tough on me, as it draws directly from my own memories, pain and frustrations. This is why I have to write a whole chapter (parts) at once, as once I have started there's no way I can stop writing, much like I can't stop these PTSD flashbacks once they start again. Follow the rabbit into its hole and see where ever you end up, Alice. Or something. I think the Alice in this story did end up in a kind of Wonderland, although more like the one in the Czech movie 'Alice' than the one in the children's story. Much like my own world, hers is somewhat of a twisted, nightmarish world where there is no escape, no time or place to rest and only things to run away from.
I wish there was someone like Catherine in my life as well. Or maybe there is and I haven't noticed yet?
Maya
For me this story is also very interesting, as it is a different way of looking at myself and at my past. There are a lot of elements in it which really happened, some of them exactly as in the story, others in different situations or contexts, with some elements made up, but which are still 'what ifs'. What if I had found out about what was going on when I was still going to school? What if this mob who bullied me during primary school had found another thing to latch on to?
The character Alice is of course completely based on me, and I just threw her into a slightly different universe, with some of the above changes added. As far as I can tell it makes for a story which is in many ways different from my own life, and yet offers many insights which are relevant to my own life. I guess it offers a form of therapy.
Catherine is the mother figure, who has experienced something terrible herself, allowing her to gain a better understanding of the darker side of humanity. I think her character is based mostly on this woman I met a few years ago, who when she was about my age had a boyfriend who turned out to be somewhat like those figures you see in bad horror movies. In short she got terribly abused in a sexual manner by that boyfriend. In the story there's no such experience for Catherine, but something which applies more directly to Alice's situation. In a sense Alice is the daughter Catherine was never able to see grow up thanks to ignorance.
Writing these chapters is quite tough on me, as it draws directly from my own memories, pain and frustrations. This is why I have to write a whole chapter (parts) at once, as once I have started there's no way I can stop writing, much like I can't stop these PTSD flashbacks once they start again. Follow the rabbit into its hole and see where ever you end up, Alice. Or something. I think the Alice in this story did end up in a kind of Wonderland, although more like the one in the Czech movie 'Alice' than the one in the children's story. Much like my own world, hers is somewhat of a twisted, nightmarish world where there is no escape, no time or place to rest and only things to run away from.
I wish there was someone like Catherine in my life as well. Or maybe there is and I haven't noticed yet?
Maya
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)