The very first time I moved was when I was only a few years old, when the farm house we were living in burned down. We lived in a temporary building until the new house had been built and we could move into it. We lived there until my father cheated on my mother and dumped her for another woman. That's when we moved to a nearby city. After half a year we moved to the other side of the country, because there was nothing in that city for my mother. I just went along, as I didn't have anything or anyone keeping me there.
Cue 3 years of medical drama, as well as my first sexual experience in the form of getting raped, both leaving huge emotional scars and causing me to want to run away from it all. Hence I moved to Canada. There I discovered that there was nothing for me either, so I moved back to the Netherlands, where I had to stay at an acquaintance's place. There I had to move from again after a month because they were going on vacation. That's when I ended up where I am living now. 7 moves total, 5 of which I remember.
This morning I started packing for my eighth move. With each of the last couple of moves I seem to carry along fewer possessions.
Sitting here amidst open boxes and piles of books and other items, I find myself looking into the mirror affixed to one of the closets in the room. In the eyes I see reflected back at me, I can see many unanswered questions, and more confusion. I knew that my staying here was temporary, and that I have overstayed my welcome by years, but I never suspected that I'd be leaving under these current circumstances, basically craving to get away as soon as possible.
Half a year ago I dreaded leaving, departing from this place, living on my own, never sharing shopping trips with my housemate again. Now that everything has turned sour and daily life has become an abstract play of tears getting away from here seems to provide at least some solutions.
Not all solutions. Not by far. Yesterday I had a friend over, which was fun and interesting, and we talked about lots of things. Yet social contact like this is a definite double-edged sword for me, as it makes me feel accepted and welcome on one side, and on the other side strongly reinforces the raw pain of the emptiness where for a regular person one's physical identity would go.
I look into the mirror and I don't know what I see. Why does this something, this person I see in the mirror do certain things? What motivates this person? All I know for a fact is that this person I see and which I am likes learning and knowledge, as well as being occupied with intellectual pursuits. As for the physical composition of the body I am seeing, it might as well be a black hole. There is nothing there, just a distorted image I can't make heads or tails of.
One of the topics I discussed yesterday with this friend was that of my promise to myself that I will pursue euthanasia if by the end of next year I will have made no progress in obtaining the answers surrounding my physical identity. I think she understood why I desire this, and why those answers are crucial to me.
There's also the very real risk that if I end up moving to a place I really do not like, it might make me feel terrible enough that I decide to end things before that time. I need to be able to worry less at this point, not more. I couldn't use the additional stress of my current living situation either, or false accusations I can not defend myself against which just make me want to punch things in frustration.
It's hard to imagine ending up in a place worse than where I live now, but I once also thought that a single person couldn't get all the misfortune I have had thrown at me throughout my life. When people say that I'm strong, they actually mean that they appreciate it that I haven't found the courage yet to give up on living and hope reincarnation is real so that I can give life another whirl, this time without having the entire deck stacked against me.
Later this week I expect to hear back on an apartment. Just for once I hope things will work out. It would be nice... *laughs bitterly*
Maya
Wednesday, 29 December 2010
Monday, 27 December 2010
Accusations Without Recourse
The words of the verdict echo between the walls of
The court's hall, unassailable and beyond criticism.
Each syllable burning its way through my mind.
Filled with anger, outraged at this display of
Injustice never forced itself upon me like this.
Glancing about the hall for support, yet there are
Only leering and shouting faces show their support
For the judgement, guilty as charged.
While guards drag me away, I declare my innocence
Over and over again, to the public's amusement.
The bitter realization of truth being that which
The more powerful make it up at their own whim.
Manipulative, self-serving, convinced of their own
Right to do upon others as they deem fit from inside
Their narrow-minded world of deceit and lies.
Never having been allowed to plead my case, my few
Friends are powerless to undo this injustice.
A mere sacrificial pawn for those unhindered by
Morals are only for fools and the weak.
All that rests me are the hours until first daylight.
The morning's first rays, and its mild breeze; I feel
Tears are streaming down my face unchecked. Before me
The executioner's block, fattened from so much blood.
In the crowd, those I trusted, those I thought friends.
I scream out my defiance, my pain and hatred.
Before being pushed down onto the block, head-first
Their amused smirks like daggers into my soul.
Nothing is left, nothing can be done, except give in.
Die, for the satisfaction of those who least deserve
Drawing breath, I bitterly smile for the last time ever.
Maya
The court's hall, unassailable and beyond criticism.
Each syllable burning its way through my mind.
Filled with anger, outraged at this display of
Injustice never forced itself upon me like this.
Glancing about the hall for support, yet there are
Only leering and shouting faces show their support
For the judgement, guilty as charged.
While guards drag me away, I declare my innocence
Over and over again, to the public's amusement.
The bitter realization of truth being that which
The more powerful make it up at their own whim.
Manipulative, self-serving, convinced of their own
Right to do upon others as they deem fit from inside
Their narrow-minded world of deceit and lies.
Never having been allowed to plead my case, my few
Friends are powerless to undo this injustice.
A mere sacrificial pawn for those unhindered by
Morals are only for fools and the weak.
All that rests me are the hours until first daylight.
The morning's first rays, and its mild breeze; I feel
Tears are streaming down my face unchecked. Before me
The executioner's block, fattened from so much blood.
In the crowd, those I trusted, those I thought friends.
I scream out my defiance, my pain and hatred.
Before being pushed down onto the block, head-first
Their amused smirks like daggers into my soul.
Nothing is left, nothing can be done, except give in.
Die, for the satisfaction of those who least deserve
Drawing breath, I bitterly smile for the last time ever.
Maya
Saturday, 25 December 2010
Merry XMas
Nearing the end of this year and I'm beyond and sick of tired of: disappointments, getting harassed and falsely accused, emotions and feelings, people in general, losing friendships, having the Talk after a few dates, being lonely, being different, not knowing what I am, not having anyone care about my issues, searching for a new place, fearing getting kicked out of where I live, getting pressured into performing, not having a stable income, chasing dreams, being bitter, not having basic questions answered, thinking about suicide, thinking about euthanasia, being in pain, not seeing much of a future.
On the other hand I'm grateful for: learning to know more and more new people, being allowed to talk to Dutch politicians about the Dutch medical system, hopefully having a Dutch hospital take me seriously for a change.
I'm also grateful for being someone who: is always nice to those who deserve it, never insults or hurts anyone, has a very strong sense of justice, forgives easily, is intelligent, has a healthy body.
I hope that next year is going to be a heck of a lot more pleasant than 2010. My first priorities will be finding a new place to live before the end of January, preferably sooner, and to get a stable income. The latter will just take some more time and more work on our games; TileWars on the edge of being done, the sad thing is that a nearly finished game is as useful as one one didn't even start on yet. As for finding a place, I honestly do not have a clue, as in a perfect world I'd have the chance to get an income first, then look for a place to live.
At least I should have plenty of places to store my things when/if I end up living on the streets next month. Positive thinking.
Maya
On the other hand I'm grateful for: learning to know more and more new people, being allowed to talk to Dutch politicians about the Dutch medical system, hopefully having a Dutch hospital take me seriously for a change.
I'm also grateful for being someone who: is always nice to those who deserve it, never insults or hurts anyone, has a very strong sense of justice, forgives easily, is intelligent, has a healthy body.
I hope that next year is going to be a heck of a lot more pleasant than 2010. My first priorities will be finding a new place to live before the end of January, preferably sooner, and to get a stable income. The latter will just take some more time and more work on our games; TileWars on the edge of being done, the sad thing is that a nearly finished game is as useful as one one didn't even start on yet. As for finding a place, I honestly do not have a clue, as in a perfect world I'd have the chance to get an income first, then look for a place to live.
At least I should have plenty of places to store my things when/if I end up living on the streets next month. Positive thinking.
Maya
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Paralyzed
It just occurred to me that today is the third anniversary of the MRI scan in Germany, and hearing the diagnosis I thought would finally put my life back into order. In light of that nothing could be more ironic than my current situation.
Although I'm being heavily censored, I'll nevertheless attempt to give a description of the events as they occurred. I just recovered from another 30 minute long paralyzation attack, triggered just before starting dinner. It first made me feel shocked deep inside, the feeling of not being able to believe what one just heard, slowly growing into a feeling of being overwhelmed. By the end of dinner I slowly made my way upstairs to my room, already feeling that I was losing control over my muscles.
I did get in front of my computer, hoping that it might distract me and maybe make the event pass without causing me to withdraw into myself. Unfortunately I had no such luck. I felt the familiar fatalistic thoughts and the knowledge that I had reached every limit I could reach. As I realized that I was going to have to ride this one out again without being in control of it, I attempted to get from my chair to my bed, removing the notepad which was lying on it and noticing that my muscle control had degraded to the point where controlled motions were quite hard.
Realizing it would be lucky if I managed to get to my I tried to get into the best position, turning my chair so that it was next to my bed and I should be able to just slide over. Unfortunately I miscalculated and I simply fell off my chair, hit my knees on the floor first, then hurt my left hip as only my right arm and head made it onto the bed. My neck found itself lodged somewhat painfully on the edge, and my left shoulder pressed tightly against the side of the bed. This is the position I found myself stuck in for a full thirty minutes, unable to move, unable to speak or cry out for help.
Not that crying out for help would do me much good these days, though. As said by many before me, Hell is defined by irony. Having the one person who is always there for you when you need help the most turn into the one actively causing discomfort is a perfect example. Committing suicide as a result would then be the ultimate irony.
Just thinking about my current situation I feel sickened and very much discouraged. It's somewhat akin to finding oneself lying with a broken leg somewhere in the midst of some kind of wilderness, without having any clue as to which direction is the right one, while feeling sick from the pain. Melodramatic comparison, I know. Yet it's also very much alike. Such as how most people when stranded in a hostile area will continue to fight, will refuse to let themselves become a victim of circumstances, and do everything they can to survive, I too refuse to become a victim of circumstances. Yet one can stave off the predators and other threats for only so long until succumbing.
I got a response back from city hall earlier today, basically telling me to apply for social housing for urgent cases. I guess that's what I'll be doing. I really do not feel happy or anything else at the thought of moving, though. I'll still be alone. I just won't have people preying on me in real life. I hope. Otherwise it'll still be the same old story. The spark of joy inside my chest is as strong as the fire in a pile of week-old ashes.
Remembering how I felt on that day, exactly three years ago, I can not describe the feelings which threaten to tear me apart. It's such a bitterly poisonous irony to recall the intense feeling of relief and rightness of that day and then remember how every single last bit of those feelings getting crushed slowly during the next years until only the current me is left: a bitter, disillusioned being, a mere shadow, wandering around aimlessly without knowing the reason for its existence.
Isn't life wonderful?
Maya
Although I'm being heavily censored, I'll nevertheless attempt to give a description of the events as they occurred. I just recovered from another 30 minute long paralyzation attack, triggered just before starting dinner. It first made me feel shocked deep inside, the feeling of not being able to believe what one just heard, slowly growing into a feeling of being overwhelmed. By the end of dinner I slowly made my way upstairs to my room, already feeling that I was losing control over my muscles.
I did get in front of my computer, hoping that it might distract me and maybe make the event pass without causing me to withdraw into myself. Unfortunately I had no such luck. I felt the familiar fatalistic thoughts and the knowledge that I had reached every limit I could reach. As I realized that I was going to have to ride this one out again without being in control of it, I attempted to get from my chair to my bed, removing the notepad which was lying on it and noticing that my muscle control had degraded to the point where controlled motions were quite hard.
Realizing it would be lucky if I managed to get to my I tried to get into the best position, turning my chair so that it was next to my bed and I should be able to just slide over. Unfortunately I miscalculated and I simply fell off my chair, hit my knees on the floor first, then hurt my left hip as only my right arm and head made it onto the bed. My neck found itself lodged somewhat painfully on the edge, and my left shoulder pressed tightly against the side of the bed. This is the position I found myself stuck in for a full thirty minutes, unable to move, unable to speak or cry out for help.
Not that crying out for help would do me much good these days, though. As said by many before me, Hell is defined by irony. Having the one person who is always there for you when you need help the most turn into the one actively causing discomfort is a perfect example. Committing suicide as a result would then be the ultimate irony.
Just thinking about my current situation I feel sickened and very much discouraged. It's somewhat akin to finding oneself lying with a broken leg somewhere in the midst of some kind of wilderness, without having any clue as to which direction is the right one, while feeling sick from the pain. Melodramatic comparison, I know. Yet it's also very much alike. Such as how most people when stranded in a hostile area will continue to fight, will refuse to let themselves become a victim of circumstances, and do everything they can to survive, I too refuse to become a victim of circumstances. Yet one can stave off the predators and other threats for only so long until succumbing.
I got a response back from city hall earlier today, basically telling me to apply for social housing for urgent cases. I guess that's what I'll be doing. I really do not feel happy or anything else at the thought of moving, though. I'll still be alone. I just won't have people preying on me in real life. I hope. Otherwise it'll still be the same old story. The spark of joy inside my chest is as strong as the fire in a pile of week-old ashes.
Remembering how I felt on that day, exactly three years ago, I can not describe the feelings which threaten to tear me apart. It's such a bitterly poisonous irony to recall the intense feeling of relief and rightness of that day and then remember how every single last bit of those feelings getting crushed slowly during the next years until only the current me is left: a bitter, disillusioned being, a mere shadow, wandering around aimlessly without knowing the reason for its existence.
Isn't life wonderful?
Maya
Free Stuff In Life
This morning was a bit of a rush job so far. I was supposed to be at the beauty salon at 9 AM, I got up in time, even prepared to leave a bit sooner than usual because it's snowy, cold and slippery outside. Don't want to take any chances, and such :) That's when things kind of grinded to a halt.
First I found out that my bike has a flat rear tire. The fix I did on the inner tube a few years ago probably gave out since it was on a rather unfortunate spot to begin with, on a seam. I'll probably want to have the whole inner tube replaced by a bike shop to avoid the hassle of disassembling and reassembling the gearing system.
Okay, so no bike available, but there's still the train, right? Unfortunately while the 8.45 AM train was supposed to be there, it got canceled suddenly, and everyone waiting on the platform had to move to the other train, which departed at 9 AM. So I was going to be late for my appointment.
The nice part is that while waiting on the first platform I had already been looking at the people around me, trying to get a feeling for the situation, as I'm sure many people do. When the train got canceled there was this girl who for some reason seemed receptive to a remark about the canceled train, so I made the usual remarks about them suddenly canceling without telling us.
You really shouldn't ask me how this keeps happening to me, but I frequently have very lively conversations with perfect strangers, it's like there's some kind of invisible signal, telling all parties involved who is up for a conversation or so.
So, this girl turned out to speak English, and Italian because that's where she's from. We were sitting next to each other in the train, talking about culture and language and things like that, I mentioned something about the difference between German and Dutch magazines, in how they handle things, and that's how we ended up talking about the articles I have been in. I didn't tell her anything about my situation, just told her I have done interviews and photoshoots for magazines, and gave her the address of my website.
I like it when things flow naturally like this, and I don't feel like I'm forcing it on the other person. It's not like I am a selfish person, it's just that I have so many things I want to tell others about, and so many things I want attention for and help with, that it is hard to contain oneself at times. The feeling that you're begging for attention is then the absolute worst, as it just makes you feel pathetic.
Anyway, I was only ten minutes late for my appointment, which wasn't a problem. Waiting 20 minutes on the platform for a train back home was a lot worse in comparison. It's freezing about 5 degrees or so, which makes it very unpleasant to wait outside like that.
What is pleasant are such random conversations, as they make me feel like a happy little social critter, and makes me feel better about the world in general. People who seclude themselves from their surroundings and people who derive pleasure from insulting and harassing others are the ones who make this world a miserable place. The former rarely do it on purpose, but the latter should know better and are really among the lower lifeforms on this planet. I do try to stay the heck away from them, as they're just not worth the trouble. Having been stuck among mostly those unpleasant people for the past months, such a random conversation really cheers me up. And it's free :D
Also free is the laser therapy treatment my beautician offered me for next week Tuesday, which I think is incredibly nice of her. With some luck it'll speed up the hair-removal process, and it's free too.
Before the TV broadcast of November 9th I had this thought that maybe someone would offer something to help me with getting my own place to live at. That didn't quite happen, but I sent an email to the city hall this morning, asking them whether they could maybe help me find a new place really soon, possibly through some financial support. Who knows, that might actually work. There are regulations for special, urgent cases after all.
Maya
First I found out that my bike has a flat rear tire. The fix I did on the inner tube a few years ago probably gave out since it was on a rather unfortunate spot to begin with, on a seam. I'll probably want to have the whole inner tube replaced by a bike shop to avoid the hassle of disassembling and reassembling the gearing system.
Okay, so no bike available, but there's still the train, right? Unfortunately while the 8.45 AM train was supposed to be there, it got canceled suddenly, and everyone waiting on the platform had to move to the other train, which departed at 9 AM. So I was going to be late for my appointment.
The nice part is that while waiting on the first platform I had already been looking at the people around me, trying to get a feeling for the situation, as I'm sure many people do. When the train got canceled there was this girl who for some reason seemed receptive to a remark about the canceled train, so I made the usual remarks about them suddenly canceling without telling us.
You really shouldn't ask me how this keeps happening to me, but I frequently have very lively conversations with perfect strangers, it's like there's some kind of invisible signal, telling all parties involved who is up for a conversation or so.
So, this girl turned out to speak English, and Italian because that's where she's from. We were sitting next to each other in the train, talking about culture and language and things like that, I mentioned something about the difference between German and Dutch magazines, in how they handle things, and that's how we ended up talking about the articles I have been in. I didn't tell her anything about my situation, just told her I have done interviews and photoshoots for magazines, and gave her the address of my website.
I like it when things flow naturally like this, and I don't feel like I'm forcing it on the other person. It's not like I am a selfish person, it's just that I have so many things I want to tell others about, and so many things I want attention for and help with, that it is hard to contain oneself at times. The feeling that you're begging for attention is then the absolute worst, as it just makes you feel pathetic.
Anyway, I was only ten minutes late for my appointment, which wasn't a problem. Waiting 20 minutes on the platform for a train back home was a lot worse in comparison. It's freezing about 5 degrees or so, which makes it very unpleasant to wait outside like that.
What is pleasant are such random conversations, as they make me feel like a happy little social critter, and makes me feel better about the world in general. People who seclude themselves from their surroundings and people who derive pleasure from insulting and harassing others are the ones who make this world a miserable place. The former rarely do it on purpose, but the latter should know better and are really among the lower lifeforms on this planet. I do try to stay the heck away from them, as they're just not worth the trouble. Having been stuck among mostly those unpleasant people for the past months, such a random conversation really cheers me up. And it's free :D
Also free is the laser therapy treatment my beautician offered me for next week Tuesday, which I think is incredibly nice of her. With some luck it'll speed up the hair-removal process, and it's free too.
Before the TV broadcast of November 9th I had this thought that maybe someone would offer something to help me with getting my own place to live at. That didn't quite happen, but I sent an email to the city hall this morning, asking them whether they could maybe help me find a new place really soon, possibly through some financial support. Who knows, that might actually work. There are regulations for special, urgent cases after all.
Maya
Monday, 20 December 2010
Anti-Depressants Aren't
Last week I was looking for a new source of valerian root extract, as the brand I am currently taking decided to change the contents, adding melatonin to the 250 mg version (Valdispert Nacht ('night')), which does make sense if you take them to sleep easier, but doesn't if you intend to use them during the day. One alternative I found is made by A Vogel, and contains primarily passion flower (P. incarnata)(1) which after some research turned out to function as an anti-depressant (2) thanks to the beta-carboline harmala alkaloids (3) it contains. The P. incarnata alkaloids in particular function as MonoAmine Oxide Inhibitors (MAOI)(4), the synthetic versions of which were common as anti-depressants until SSRI anti-depressants succeeded them.
The MAOI in P. incarnata happens to be both selective (doesn't target both MAO-A and MAO-B recepters) and reversible (doesn't deactivate MAO but merely inhibits it in a temporary fashion). This makes it quite mild and also largely prevents the so-called 'cheese syndrome' (5) which is associated with the use of MAOI and consumption of tyramine simultaneously, leading to hypertensive crisis, which can be fatal.
Returning to the effects of MAOI, Wikipedia's article (4) lists the following under 'Mode of action':
"MAOIs act by inhibiting the activity of monoamine oxidase, thus preventing the breakdown of monoamine neurotransmitters and thereby increasing their availability. There are two isoforms of monoamine oxidase, MAO-A and MAO-B. MAO-A preferentially deaminates serotonin, melatonin, epinephrine and norepinephrine. MAO-B preferentially deaminates phenylethylamine and trace amines. Dopamine is equally deaminated by both types."
Looking at the types of neurotransmitters affected, we can see that a few of them aren't very useful if you want to feel relaxed, especially norepinephrine (6) which is a well-known stress hormone, together with epinephrine which is more commonly known as adrenaline (7).
The selectivity of MAOIs like the one in P. incarnata clearly doesn't extend to the exact types of neurotransmitters it affects, otherwise it would focus on increasing the availability of for example serotonin (8) instead, which is a substance which contributes to a feeling of well-being. It also makes it a very poor choice to combine with a GABA (9) receptor inhibiting substance like the one present in valerian root, as the relaxing effects of increased presence of GABA are counter-acted by the presence of norepinephrine and epinephrine.
It also shows clearly why both SSRI and MAOI-based anti-depressants are a very poor choice of medication in the case of stress, like mine, as it will actually amplify the fight or flight mechanism, not reduce its effect.
So, to get back to last week, I tried those pills with P. incarnata extract until yesterday and while the first day was fine, after that I began to feel very restless, I began to experience a dull, nauseating headache and found myself unable to nap, or sleep without the use of sleeping pills. I also was extremely agitated, having to resist countless impulsive thoughts and desires. Let's just say that a person in my situation, with this type of medication would be very easily provoked into physical violence, vandalism and many other types of unsavory, impulsive acts.
Yesterday morning I took the last of these pills and last night I took a pure valerian root pill again. I did take a sleeping pill last night, as I was still feeling extremely agitated, making for the fourth in a row which is basically inviting addiction, not to mention a very expensive hobby. This morning I am feeling a lot better, especially after I managed to actually nap for an hour after taking another valerian pill. A few hours ago I went to my GP, had a nice talk with her about this issue and the stresses surrounding my current living situation, and also managed to obtain some Valdispert Nacht without the melatonin, probably an old batch.
Which leads me to my original question I started with last week: where to obtain valerian root extract in 250 mg/pill dosage or similar without any melatonin, passion flower or other unwanted substances added? Maybe I should just look online...
(1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passiflora_incarnata
(2) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passion_flower#Medical_and_entheogenic_uses
(3) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harmala_alkaloid#Uses
(4) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monoamine_oxidase_inhibitor
(5) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheese_syndrome
(6) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norepinephrine
(7) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epinephrine
(8) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serotonin
(9) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gamma-Aminobutyric_acid
Maya
The MAOI in P. incarnata happens to be both selective (doesn't target both MAO-A and MAO-B recepters) and reversible (doesn't deactivate MAO but merely inhibits it in a temporary fashion). This makes it quite mild and also largely prevents the so-called 'cheese syndrome' (5) which is associated with the use of MAOI and consumption of tyramine simultaneously, leading to hypertensive crisis, which can be fatal.
Returning to the effects of MAOI, Wikipedia's article (4) lists the following under 'Mode of action':
"MAOIs act by inhibiting the activity of monoamine oxidase, thus preventing the breakdown of monoamine neurotransmitters and thereby increasing their availability. There are two isoforms of monoamine oxidase, MAO-A and MAO-B. MAO-A preferentially deaminates serotonin, melatonin, epinephrine and norepinephrine. MAO-B preferentially deaminates phenylethylamine and trace amines. Dopamine is equally deaminated by both types."
Looking at the types of neurotransmitters affected, we can see that a few of them aren't very useful if you want to feel relaxed, especially norepinephrine (6) which is a well-known stress hormone, together with epinephrine which is more commonly known as adrenaline (7).
The selectivity of MAOIs like the one in P. incarnata clearly doesn't extend to the exact types of neurotransmitters it affects, otherwise it would focus on increasing the availability of for example serotonin (8) instead, which is a substance which contributes to a feeling of well-being. It also makes it a very poor choice to combine with a GABA (9) receptor inhibiting substance like the one present in valerian root, as the relaxing effects of increased presence of GABA are counter-acted by the presence of norepinephrine and epinephrine.
It also shows clearly why both SSRI and MAOI-based anti-depressants are a very poor choice of medication in the case of stress, like mine, as it will actually amplify the fight or flight mechanism, not reduce its effect.
So, to get back to last week, I tried those pills with P. incarnata extract until yesterday and while the first day was fine, after that I began to feel very restless, I began to experience a dull, nauseating headache and found myself unable to nap, or sleep without the use of sleeping pills. I also was extremely agitated, having to resist countless impulsive thoughts and desires. Let's just say that a person in my situation, with this type of medication would be very easily provoked into physical violence, vandalism and many other types of unsavory, impulsive acts.
Yesterday morning I took the last of these pills and last night I took a pure valerian root pill again. I did take a sleeping pill last night, as I was still feeling extremely agitated, making for the fourth in a row which is basically inviting addiction, not to mention a very expensive hobby. This morning I am feeling a lot better, especially after I managed to actually nap for an hour after taking another valerian pill. A few hours ago I went to my GP, had a nice talk with her about this issue and the stresses surrounding my current living situation, and also managed to obtain some Valdispert Nacht without the melatonin, probably an old batch.
Which leads me to my original question I started with last week: where to obtain valerian root extract in 250 mg/pill dosage or similar without any melatonin, passion flower or other unwanted substances added? Maybe I should just look online...
(1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passiflora_incarnata
(2) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passion_flower#Medical_and_entheogenic_uses
(3) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harmala_alkaloid#Uses
(4) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monoamine_oxidase_inhibitor
(5) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheese_syndrome
(6) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norepinephrine
(7) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epinephrine
(8) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serotonin
(9) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gamma-Aminobutyric_acid
Maya
Sunday, 19 December 2010
Addendum
As I said in my blog post yesterday, I was quite hysteric. In short it's basically what the medical part of my PTSD looks like. This morning I read the next response from the MRI Centrum. The radiologist in question, Philip Pevenage, said that with the existing low-resolution scans he would not be able to see the hole I specified, but mentioned that such a vagina-like hole of insignificant depth is a known occurrence among intersexual people. This is the first time that anyone medically educated has admitted that me and others feeling 'something vagina-like' there isn't just a crazy thought.
He also said that a good, physical examination is required at this point by someone who is interested in answering these questions. He recommended the UZ Gent hospital for this, but as I mentioned in my reply to him this morning, that always comes down to finances again, as my insurance company refuses to pay for anything outside this country, and thus I'll have to secure funding elsewhere before I take such a step.
I also mentioned to him that I am currently waiting for the UMC Utrecht hospital to get back to me, and that I hope that they can do this physical examination. I truly hope they can and want to do so, and that in less than 2 months this will all be over. And yes, I realize I have expressed the same hope dozens of time before. Sad, isn't it?
Maya
He also said that a good, physical examination is required at this point by someone who is interested in answering these questions. He recommended the UZ Gent hospital for this, but as I mentioned in my reply to him this morning, that always comes down to finances again, as my insurance company refuses to pay for anything outside this country, and thus I'll have to secure funding elsewhere before I take such a step.
I also mentioned to him that I am currently waiting for the UMC Utrecht hospital to get back to me, and that I hope that they can do this physical examination. I truly hope they can and want to do so, and that in less than 2 months this will all be over. And yes, I realize I have expressed the same hope dozens of time before. Sad, isn't it?
Maya
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