Today I got a call from my Google recruiter informing me that they won't be considering me for a job. When asked for the reason the answer was that there was none. I can't re-apply for a year now, so together with their random selection procedure there is no chance I'll ever try applying again. Within a year I'll either have found a way out of this Hell, or died.
It's yet another bitter reminder that I can not expect any outside help. Applying at a job only results in rejection, as the many attempts during this and last year have proven. At this point I can feel that it has destabilized me to a point which is borderline fatal. The numbness followed by the intense sorrow is typical. Not that people who claim to support me understand this, though. Their mindless advice is to just try and try again, ignorant of the agony the additional stress and intense pain of rejection causes me.
The last shreds of hope I have left involve my own company and the projects I'm working on together with my only true friend, Trevor. Maybe with two months time we'll have managed to have launched a few games and get some real revenue going.
There's also maybe the media. This week I expect to hear back from the journalist of the Dutch newspaper TC Tubantia on the article they're publishing on my story. It could finally kickstart the acknowledgment of my situation and those of countless others like me. There's every chance that it'll just fizzle out again, though.
Why shouldn't I end my existence again? That was a rhetorical question, I guess...
Cue the people complaining that I'm just playing the 'suicide card' again.
*bitter laugh*
Whatever... there's no way I can express this pain without sounding like a whining idiot. Guess what? I am the fool here.
Maya
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Sunday, 5 February 2012
Closer To Salvation, Yet Not Out Of Mortal Danger
The month of January 2012 was quite harrowing. So many things have happened... the most upsetting of the new things happening was probably the psychiatric evaluation I was exposed to. As you may remember I was going to cancel the second appointment for this evaluation and consult a lawyer on what to do. On January 31st I had this appointment with a lawyer. She was able to inform me that there is no case against me contrary to what the psychiatrist told me. This is just the investigation, to see whether any further action is warranted. My lawyer recommended that I should not further participate in these evaluations as I have done one already and further participation will not benefit me.
I have informed the psychiatrist of this and as agreed with my lawyer I also told this psychiatrist that she was more than welcome to contact my psychotherapist on this. I got contacted by the NIFP, the forensic psychiatry department to which the psychiatrist belongs, to pass them the contact information for my psychotherapist. When I told my psychotherapist about this, his simple response was basically 'let them come'. I love having some proper backing. I hope that I can avoid any kind of punishment, as it'd either drain my financially or force me into labour for weeks. Also because I didn't do anything wrong. All that happened was that my PTSD/DID got triggered...
Moving on, I'm waiting to hear back from the SKGZ, the organization negotiating between healthcare insurance companies and their customers. My insurance company, Unive, refused to cover the expensive electrolysis therapy I require for the excess hairgrowth I got as a result of hormone imbalance, their excuse being that 'intersex' isn't on their list of conditions. The SKGZ asked for some photographs from me of the affected area, which I did. They seem to go for the comparison with transsexuals, as technically it is the same type of case. I hope this case gets settled soon, and Unive gets me the thousands of Euros they still owe me.
Last month I was also still struggling with the bad knee. It kept swelling up and hurting. I finally was able to convince my family doctor to refer me to a specialist for it (with lots of yelling at me... I won't see him ever again due to this). An X-ray and MRI scan were made of my right knee and the conclusion from the specialist was that there is no physical damage to the meniscus or ligaments. There is however damage to the bone surrounding it, which has been bruised. This is a slow-healing injury. Fortunately it's been almost a year since the injury occurred (police beating in May of last year) and the physiotherapist I consulted said that it should be fine now as long as I keep an eye on it. If it swells up again I should come back to him.
Talking about that police beating... Wednesday this week I got invited for a chat with a police officer as a result of the complaint I filed. It was an alright conversation, although they of course deny that anything was done wrong. Protocols can be so convenient. Tomorrow I'm seeing the two agents who did the arrest and the initial beating. It's definitely not easy to confront these people whom I can only associate with the pain and agony I suffered the past years. While the primary fault lies with the family doctor's office who lied about my traumas and didn't recognize the importance of being considerate, the police should never have treated me the way they did. They also claimed that they used force because I resisted during arrest, while my memory is that they started using force right away and I didn't resist until I nearly passed out from the pain in my wrists due to the cuffs which they refused to loosen up a bit... Not looking forward to this. I will most definitely never see the police as a friendly force ever again.
A couple of weeks ago the damages lawyer I had hired to represent me in the case against the Dutch hospitals dropped the case, using the report by her medical adviser as an excuse. I have fortunately found a new lawyer, Yme Drost, who is a relatively famous person and lawyer in the Netherlands. He has made my case into one of his personal projects. The coming weeks I'll learn about what Yme has in mind for this case. He's in talks with his US medical contacts about further DNA research to cement the medical side of my case, specifically the facts about my intersex condition. I hope to soon learn which direction he wants to take the case into: damages or human rights/discrimination. The latter is most likely.
Thanks to this new lawyer I did an interview for a relatively well-known Dutch newspaper, the TC Tubantia, which should be published next week. Hopefully it'll trigger invitations from other media channels as it's my first real news appearance. I did an interview for a Belgian magazine (Dag Allemaal) a few weeks ago as well. I'll put its scans online as soon as I have found someone to translate the article for me (four pages) from Dutch to English. Doing the translation myself is too upsetting.
At this point I'm still trying to leave the Netherlands as there is no way I could rebuild my life in the very country which has done its best to ruin it as completely as possible. An indication of how terrible my treatment in this country is can be found in the medical protocol used for me, of which the analysis can be found here: http://www.mayaposch.com/intersex-controversy.php. There is however no one going to help me leave the Netherlands. No one is going to help me rebuild my life. I will have to do it all by myself. To this end I have to find a job outside the Netherlands.
So far Nokia (job in Norway) has been useless. I did one interview, but they apparently do not have any positions open at this point as they keep promising to get back to me on the second interview yet don't do this. I think I'll have to give up on this possibility.
Last Friday I did a first technical interview with Google (Germany) after an initial phone screening. I think it went well. Hopefully I'll get a confirmation of a next interview next week. I could have a job with Google as a software engineer in about two months time. I sure hope it works out. I have no other options at this point to rebuild my life and I'm terrified of what'll happen if I do get rejected at Google. It'd probably shatter any last bits of self-esteem I still have left. Even now that things with this application are going fairly well and I'm feeling quite optimistic I am still plagued by suicidal thoughts.
What I want at this point is to have things go well and easy for a while. More fighting... more struggle... I can't use it. It's literally killing me. I know that I'm not even remotely happy at this point as I keep remembering the tranquility I felt before my last suicide attempt and it's still so much more attractive continuing to fight like this.
I don't want to die... but I also want to feel that tranquality... in life, or in death. Either will do.
Maya
I have informed the psychiatrist of this and as agreed with my lawyer I also told this psychiatrist that she was more than welcome to contact my psychotherapist on this. I got contacted by the NIFP, the forensic psychiatry department to which the psychiatrist belongs, to pass them the contact information for my psychotherapist. When I told my psychotherapist about this, his simple response was basically 'let them come'. I love having some proper backing. I hope that I can avoid any kind of punishment, as it'd either drain my financially or force me into labour for weeks. Also because I didn't do anything wrong. All that happened was that my PTSD/DID got triggered...
Moving on, I'm waiting to hear back from the SKGZ, the organization negotiating between healthcare insurance companies and their customers. My insurance company, Unive, refused to cover the expensive electrolysis therapy I require for the excess hairgrowth I got as a result of hormone imbalance, their excuse being that 'intersex' isn't on their list of conditions. The SKGZ asked for some photographs from me of the affected area, which I did. They seem to go for the comparison with transsexuals, as technically it is the same type of case. I hope this case gets settled soon, and Unive gets me the thousands of Euros they still owe me.
Last month I was also still struggling with the bad knee. It kept swelling up and hurting. I finally was able to convince my family doctor to refer me to a specialist for it (with lots of yelling at me... I won't see him ever again due to this). An X-ray and MRI scan were made of my right knee and the conclusion from the specialist was that there is no physical damage to the meniscus or ligaments. There is however damage to the bone surrounding it, which has been bruised. This is a slow-healing injury. Fortunately it's been almost a year since the injury occurred (police beating in May of last year) and the physiotherapist I consulted said that it should be fine now as long as I keep an eye on it. If it swells up again I should come back to him.
Talking about that police beating... Wednesday this week I got invited for a chat with a police officer as a result of the complaint I filed. It was an alright conversation, although they of course deny that anything was done wrong. Protocols can be so convenient. Tomorrow I'm seeing the two agents who did the arrest and the initial beating. It's definitely not easy to confront these people whom I can only associate with the pain and agony I suffered the past years. While the primary fault lies with the family doctor's office who lied about my traumas and didn't recognize the importance of being considerate, the police should never have treated me the way they did. They also claimed that they used force because I resisted during arrest, while my memory is that they started using force right away and I didn't resist until I nearly passed out from the pain in my wrists due to the cuffs which they refused to loosen up a bit... Not looking forward to this. I will most definitely never see the police as a friendly force ever again.
A couple of weeks ago the damages lawyer I had hired to represent me in the case against the Dutch hospitals dropped the case, using the report by her medical adviser as an excuse. I have fortunately found a new lawyer, Yme Drost, who is a relatively famous person and lawyer in the Netherlands. He has made my case into one of his personal projects. The coming weeks I'll learn about what Yme has in mind for this case. He's in talks with his US medical contacts about further DNA research to cement the medical side of my case, specifically the facts about my intersex condition. I hope to soon learn which direction he wants to take the case into: damages or human rights/discrimination. The latter is most likely.
Thanks to this new lawyer I did an interview for a relatively well-known Dutch newspaper, the TC Tubantia, which should be published next week. Hopefully it'll trigger invitations from other media channels as it's my first real news appearance. I did an interview for a Belgian magazine (Dag Allemaal) a few weeks ago as well. I'll put its scans online as soon as I have found someone to translate the article for me (four pages) from Dutch to English. Doing the translation myself is too upsetting.
At this point I'm still trying to leave the Netherlands as there is no way I could rebuild my life in the very country which has done its best to ruin it as completely as possible. An indication of how terrible my treatment in this country is can be found in the medical protocol used for me, of which the analysis can be found here: http://www.mayaposch.com/intersex-controversy.php. There is however no one going to help me leave the Netherlands. No one is going to help me rebuild my life. I will have to do it all by myself. To this end I have to find a job outside the Netherlands.
So far Nokia (job in Norway) has been useless. I did one interview, but they apparently do not have any positions open at this point as they keep promising to get back to me on the second interview yet don't do this. I think I'll have to give up on this possibility.
Last Friday I did a first technical interview with Google (Germany) after an initial phone screening. I think it went well. Hopefully I'll get a confirmation of a next interview next week. I could have a job with Google as a software engineer in about two months time. I sure hope it works out. I have no other options at this point to rebuild my life and I'm terrified of what'll happen if I do get rejected at Google. It'd probably shatter any last bits of self-esteem I still have left. Even now that things with this application are going fairly well and I'm feeling quite optimistic I am still plagued by suicidal thoughts.
What I want at this point is to have things go well and easy for a while. More fighting... more struggle... I can't use it. It's literally killing me. I know that I'm not even remotely happy at this point as I keep remembering the tranquility I felt before my last suicide attempt and it's still so much more attractive continuing to fight like this.
I don't want to die... but I also want to feel that tranquality... in life, or in death. Either will do.
Maya
Monday, 23 January 2012
Survival Through Self-Delusion, Or: I Just Want To Live
In early 2005 I figured that having figured out what was going on with my body I'd soon get help and have my life on track again in no time. Up till late 2010 I managed to keep up that delusion. By the time I got help outside the Netherlands in late 2011 it was already too late to restore my faith in the medical world.
In 2010 I began to lobby Dutch politicians. I figured that they'd be responsive and make things right if I could just make them listen. They didn't. A year later I was forced to give up.
In early 2011 I figured that if I just was able to move back to Amsterdam or the surrounding area I'd be able to make things work together with my friends there. A few months later I was forced to admit that it wasn't feasible for me to move and that I actually never had friends there.
I tried to move to Australia that same year. I never could find a job there and managed to waste money on a work visa which will expire a few months from now.
I also tried to move to Canada later that year. I never found a job there and was forced to give up on the idea.
I applied at Nokia in Norway and Google in Germany now. The possibility of getting a job at either company is low.
All I want is to live somewhere comfortable, without worrying about money or hostile medical systems. I just want to live and work and have friends and not fear for my life. I just want to feel at ease and have hobbies, play the guitar, finally learn to play the violin and work on these robotics and AI projects.
All I want to do is live.
All I am faced with is uncertainty and stress. It's a living nightmare to which I wake up every morning. I'm either by my lonesome where nothing happens and nothing changes, or I'm in the midst of this crowd, with leering faces and so many people living their lives. I don't want to be amongst them. I hate them for having succeeded where I have failed.
Tomorrow is my first job interview for Google. I would say that I hope for anything, but as they say one should learn from history. Self-delusion manifested.
I just wanted to live.
Maya
In 2010 I began to lobby Dutch politicians. I figured that they'd be responsive and make things right if I could just make them listen. They didn't. A year later I was forced to give up.
In early 2011 I figured that if I just was able to move back to Amsterdam or the surrounding area I'd be able to make things work together with my friends there. A few months later I was forced to admit that it wasn't feasible for me to move and that I actually never had friends there.
I tried to move to Australia that same year. I never could find a job there and managed to waste money on a work visa which will expire a few months from now.
I also tried to move to Canada later that year. I never found a job there and was forced to give up on the idea.
I applied at Nokia in Norway and Google in Germany now. The possibility of getting a job at either company is low.
All I want is to live somewhere comfortable, without worrying about money or hostile medical systems. I just want to live and work and have friends and not fear for my life. I just want to feel at ease and have hobbies, play the guitar, finally learn to play the violin and work on these robotics and AI projects.
All I want to do is live.
All I am faced with is uncertainty and stress. It's a living nightmare to which I wake up every morning. I'm either by my lonesome where nothing happens and nothing changes, or I'm in the midst of this crowd, with leering faces and so many people living their lives. I don't want to be amongst them. I hate them for having succeeded where I have failed.
Tomorrow is my first job interview for Google. I would say that I hope for anything, but as they say one should learn from history. Self-delusion manifested.
I just wanted to live.
Maya
Monday, 16 January 2012
My Interview With Shefali Burns
Last Saturday I did an interview with minor Google+ celebrity Shefali Burns, a very friendly lady from Canada. She even postponed her breakfast and lunch so that she could interview me on my experiences growing up as a hermaphrodite in the conservative Netherlands. Give her a round of applause :)
Maya
Maya
Friday, 13 January 2012
Lawsuit Against Dutch Hospitals Has Been Denied
Just received word from my lawyer that the damages case against the Dutch hospitals for their incorrect and damaging treatment of my intersex case can not proceed because her medical adviser can not advise. The issue is that he can not find any specialists who can advise since all the Dutch ones are mentioned in the file and the Belgian and German ones couldn't advise since the protocols there are too different. This means that his advise is inconclusive and no medical basis for the case can be determined.
I think that this is indicative of how deeply intrenched this issue I'm dealing with is in the medical world, not just in the Netherlands, but world-wide. Unless someone knows a miraculous lawyer and medical adviser, I don't think that I can start a legal case.
And yet I have to do something with these seven years I have suffered due to the treatment of the Dutch medical and other systems. I still need more medical help and recognition for what has happened to me so that I can rebuild my life. It's not over yet for me. Nor is it over for the hundreds of millions of intersex people around the world who go through similar hellish scenarios.
I have contacted a first Dutch television show on this problem (Pauw & Witteman) as they are very much about cutting-edge issues. Beyond them I do not know of anyone else who might be able to help.
Suddenly this issue has turned from a certain win in court to another trench war. I really need some respite here. Anyone who can help or knows someone who can help, please do, or do ask... this needs media attention as it's just become very serious.
My mental state? Shaken, upset, crying and heading straight towards another stab at suicide again if I don't quickly find something to stabilize things with...
Please help... don't ignore me... don't let me fade... don't let me die...
Please...
Maya
I think that this is indicative of how deeply intrenched this issue I'm dealing with is in the medical world, not just in the Netherlands, but world-wide. Unless someone knows a miraculous lawyer and medical adviser, I don't think that I can start a legal case.
And yet I have to do something with these seven years I have suffered due to the treatment of the Dutch medical and other systems. I still need more medical help and recognition for what has happened to me so that I can rebuild my life. It's not over yet for me. Nor is it over for the hundreds of millions of intersex people around the world who go through similar hellish scenarios.
I have contacted a first Dutch television show on this problem (Pauw & Witteman) as they are very much about cutting-edge issues. Beyond them I do not know of anyone else who might be able to help.
Suddenly this issue has turned from a certain win in court to another trench war. I really need some respite here. Anyone who can help or knows someone who can help, please do, or do ask... this needs media attention as it's just become very serious.
My mental state? Shaken, upset, crying and heading straight towards another stab at suicide again if I don't quickly find something to stabilize things with...
Please help... don't ignore me... don't let me fade... don't let me die...
Please...
Maya
Cats Have Sharp Claws, And MRI Results
I'll keep this brief as one of my fingers got mutilated by a cat yesterday and it hurts to type :)
After my weekly visit to the beauty salon yesterday I made my way to the train station when I saw this girl struggling with a very big and obviously very heavy cardboard box. After she accepted my help we carried it to her place, a number of streets away. It contained a scratching post for her cat, one of those big ones with the platforms and other stuff cats adore. Once at her place she offered me something to drink, which I accepted after a moment's doubt.
I must have spent there about two hours, playing with her cat, an 8-month old male, who managed to give me a few scratches including this one on my finger. We also drank tea and chatted about a lot of stuff, including the things which occupy me. It was kind of weird in a pleasant way to sit there in what was the home of a stranger who I had only met moments before, comfortably talking about life's issues. At least I hope the poor girl I was imposing on felt comfortable too :) In the end I gave her my business card and she shoved me out of the door. I guess we both lost track of time.
In some ways I'm glad that things are finally changing for me, even if it's very hard and tiring. This morning I got the MRI results from the knee specialist. He told me that the MRI was clear with no damage visible to the meniscus, ligaments or other tissues. The cause of my knee issues is blunt trauma to the knee resulting in bruised bone. This is something which will have to heal on its own and can take quite a long time in doing so. That it was caused by how the police treated me early last year might be fairly obvious by now.
While relieved that no surgery or anything else major is necessary I do feel quite miffed that I have to go through this and the continued pain and numbness in my wrists and hands due to the compression damage from the too tight cuffs. Earlier I filed the complaint against the police here regarding their rough treatment of me, mentioning the knee and nerve damage as well as the emotional damage suffered due to the worsening of my existing traumatic disorders. I do not expect anything major to happen as a result, but at least I will have done my bit.
Next up is physiotherapy for my knee to speed up the recovery and waiting for one of my lawyers to get back to me on the lawsuit against the hospitals here. Hopefully I'll hear back on that next week so that I can start contacting the Dutch media and get the ball rolling on exposing the horrible truth about the treatment of intersex people world-wide.
I often feel like I'm in a kind of virtual war zone, today is definitely among those days.
Maya
After my weekly visit to the beauty salon yesterday I made my way to the train station when I saw this girl struggling with a very big and obviously very heavy cardboard box. After she accepted my help we carried it to her place, a number of streets away. It contained a scratching post for her cat, one of those big ones with the platforms and other stuff cats adore. Once at her place she offered me something to drink, which I accepted after a moment's doubt.
I must have spent there about two hours, playing with her cat, an 8-month old male, who managed to give me a few scratches including this one on my finger. We also drank tea and chatted about a lot of stuff, including the things which occupy me. It was kind of weird in a pleasant way to sit there in what was the home of a stranger who I had only met moments before, comfortably talking about life's issues. At least I hope the poor girl I was imposing on felt comfortable too :) In the end I gave her my business card and she shoved me out of the door. I guess we both lost track of time.
In some ways I'm glad that things are finally changing for me, even if it's very hard and tiring. This morning I got the MRI results from the knee specialist. He told me that the MRI was clear with no damage visible to the meniscus, ligaments or other tissues. The cause of my knee issues is blunt trauma to the knee resulting in bruised bone. This is something which will have to heal on its own and can take quite a long time in doing so. That it was caused by how the police treated me early last year might be fairly obvious by now.
While relieved that no surgery or anything else major is necessary I do feel quite miffed that I have to go through this and the continued pain and numbness in my wrists and hands due to the compression damage from the too tight cuffs. Earlier I filed the complaint against the police here regarding their rough treatment of me, mentioning the knee and nerve damage as well as the emotional damage suffered due to the worsening of my existing traumatic disorders. I do not expect anything major to happen as a result, but at least I will have done my bit.
Next up is physiotherapy for my knee to speed up the recovery and waiting for one of my lawyers to get back to me on the lawsuit against the hospitals here. Hopefully I'll hear back on that next week so that I can start contacting the Dutch media and get the ball rolling on exposing the horrible truth about the treatment of intersex people world-wide.
I often feel like I'm in a kind of virtual war zone, today is definitely among those days.
Maya
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Torn Up And Bleeding To Death, Yet So Happy
The human mind's capacity to deal with psychological trauma is amazing. Before the medical insanity started I managed to ignore the trauma of not knowing what I was by staying a child emotionally and not realize it. I brushed off the traumas of getting bullied throughout primary and high school. For the past seven years I have chopped up the traumas of rape, sexual abuse, brainwashing and psychological and physical torture in bits and put them into separate personality fragments. Despite everything I stayed sane, even if I got locked out of more and more parts of society because of everything.
Yet the brain's capacity to deal with trauma goes only so far. The past years I have begun to experience sudden and severe episodes of crying, temporary paralysis, self-mutilation, suicidal moods and actual suicide attempts. The psychiatric evaluation in the criminal case against me has in many ways pushed me over the edge, as it has destroyed some of the archived memories. The result is renewed self-mutilation, severe suicidal moods and completely irrational behaviour, such as bashing my head against a sofa and responding to an urging voice by starting to scream and pounding on a desk before breaking down in tears again.
I'm still sane. I think. Maybe it truly is the rest of the world which is mad.
I'm trying to salvage what is left of my existence. I quit the psychiatric evaluation and am trying to contact a lawyer about it. Legal stuff is slow. The lawyer I have for the legal gender change let me know a few days ago that she had mistakenly sent the request to the wrong courthouse. It has now been forwarded and can take another 4-6 weeks before the request gets looked at. When I hear back from my other lawyer on the lawsuit I do not know. She said it'd be about this week, but we'll see. I hope that I can get some media attention for the lawsuit once it does begin in earnest, though.
When it comes to so-called social networks like Google+... I have abandoned them, maybe forever. Everyone there is far too happy leading their own happy lives to concern themselves with those less fortunate.
Finally, after many years and mostly thanks to my awesome friend Trevor, we now finally have a working game engine and some great tools to make games with. He has been teaching me how to use these tools so that I can write simple games using it now too. We can now finally begin work on the TileWars game, which makes me quite happy.
Amongst all of this there is also the urgent need for me to leave the Netherlands so that I can finally begin to recover from my traumas and reduce the unimaginable stress placed upon me by this hideous and twisted place. The only way I have found to accomplish this is to find a job in a suitable country. I'm currently waiting for job interviews with Nokia and Google, in the case of the former my second interview. I hope I'll hear from them soon. Waiting really upsets me. Better the brief rush of some important task than the agony of waiting for something which might as well never come.
Last Friday I did an interview with a Belgian magazine, called Dag Allemaal. From what some Belgian people on IRC have told me it's one of the better Belgian, Dutch-language tabloids and is well-known there. I'm not expecting miracles from it, but the article draft I received a few days ago was well-written. Maybe something will happen as a result of it. Most remarkable but not shocking to me was that this magazine could not find anyone else to do the interview with, not in the Netherlands or Belgium. This makes me the only intersex person in the Netherlands, Germany and now Belgium who is actually willing to make it public. Considering the abuse I have suffered over the years, maybe I should have kept it a secret too. Curse my inquisitiveness and sense of justice...
I need something cheerful to happen this week so that I'll stay emotionally stable. Just a little further and whatever protections I built up over the years will shatter and with it my mind...
Maya
Yet the brain's capacity to deal with trauma goes only so far. The past years I have begun to experience sudden and severe episodes of crying, temporary paralysis, self-mutilation, suicidal moods and actual suicide attempts. The psychiatric evaluation in the criminal case against me has in many ways pushed me over the edge, as it has destroyed some of the archived memories. The result is renewed self-mutilation, severe suicidal moods and completely irrational behaviour, such as bashing my head against a sofa and responding to an urging voice by starting to scream and pounding on a desk before breaking down in tears again.
I'm still sane. I think. Maybe it truly is the rest of the world which is mad.
I'm trying to salvage what is left of my existence. I quit the psychiatric evaluation and am trying to contact a lawyer about it. Legal stuff is slow. The lawyer I have for the legal gender change let me know a few days ago that she had mistakenly sent the request to the wrong courthouse. It has now been forwarded and can take another 4-6 weeks before the request gets looked at. When I hear back from my other lawyer on the lawsuit I do not know. She said it'd be about this week, but we'll see. I hope that I can get some media attention for the lawsuit once it does begin in earnest, though.
When it comes to so-called social networks like Google+... I have abandoned them, maybe forever. Everyone there is far too happy leading their own happy lives to concern themselves with those less fortunate.
Finally, after many years and mostly thanks to my awesome friend Trevor, we now finally have a working game engine and some great tools to make games with. He has been teaching me how to use these tools so that I can write simple games using it now too. We can now finally begin work on the TileWars game, which makes me quite happy.
Amongst all of this there is also the urgent need for me to leave the Netherlands so that I can finally begin to recover from my traumas and reduce the unimaginable stress placed upon me by this hideous and twisted place. The only way I have found to accomplish this is to find a job in a suitable country. I'm currently waiting for job interviews with Nokia and Google, in the case of the former my second interview. I hope I'll hear from them soon. Waiting really upsets me. Better the brief rush of some important task than the agony of waiting for something which might as well never come.
Last Friday I did an interview with a Belgian magazine, called Dag Allemaal. From what some Belgian people on IRC have told me it's one of the better Belgian, Dutch-language tabloids and is well-known there. I'm not expecting miracles from it, but the article draft I received a few days ago was well-written. Maybe something will happen as a result of it. Most remarkable but not shocking to me was that this magazine could not find anyone else to do the interview with, not in the Netherlands or Belgium. This makes me the only intersex person in the Netherlands, Germany and now Belgium who is actually willing to make it public. Considering the abuse I have suffered over the years, maybe I should have kept it a secret too. Curse my inquisitiveness and sense of justice...
I need something cheerful to happen this week so that I'll stay emotionally stable. Just a little further and whatever protections I built up over the years will shatter and with it my mind...
Maya
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