Thursday, 20 November 2008


I'm not sure why I'm writing this blog anymore. Yes, it helps me to get things off my chest for a bit, but beyond that it's utterly useless. All I do is whine about how pathetic me and my life are. Ah well, at least it's a helpful indicator for those who've placed bets on when I'll finally commit suicide (I wouldn't be surprised if some sick f***s are really doing this).

Tuesday I had a terrible headache the entire day in addition to a nasty cold, with which I'm still struggling. My throat is nice and raw from the coughing by now. Yesterday I put up the advertisements for my PC repair services and such at a few local supermarkets with the help from Pieter. I'll see what comes from it. I also sent some receipts to my insurer so that I'll hopefully get a few hundred Euro back from those blood suckers...

Yesterday while Pieter was away for his D&D evening with friends. I kind of sank away in the mood I had felt coming that entire day already. I started crying, felt that there was no point in maintaining relations with humans other than from a business perspective. I gave up on the human race in general, felt that only an AI is capable of being a proper intelligence and that humans might as well start dropping dead right now. I wouldn't care.

Then, as I was preparing for bed I must have disliked what I saw in the mirror or so, because I suddenly started carving myself up with my nails. Right now I still got some pretty bad wounds from it on my chest. I don't think that they're deep enough to become scars, but still. It completely violates the vow to myself that I'd never do any kind of permanent harm to my body. I feel bad about this...

I must have reached breaking point... please lock me up now before I really do something bad to myself... perhaps a mental institute isn't such a bad place after all. A straitjacket and a padded room seem like the ideal clothing and environment for me.


Monday, 17 November 2008


*frees the hair that has become stuck to her face with dried tears*


I just stopped reading a series of books I had borrowed from Pieter, as while just reading the first book it has managed to trigger a series of traumas for the second time now. Finding oneself devastated by a fictional story just because it has elements in it which seems to tear open internal wounds which will never fully heal, isn't my idea of spending quality time with a book.

Saturday I felt pretty good the entire day. I read a few chapters in my book before I went to bed and found myself being comforted by Pieter a few minutes later. Just now I managed to tear myself out of another hysteria attack which started while reading that same book again.

Yesterday and today I've felt loathing, fear and disgust for anything related to sexuality in a way that is much more severe than before. I want to cut everything related to it out my life, every memory, every physical part, every remembered phrase and image. I don't want there to be men and women, just people. People who don't hurt each other, who actually give a damn about what the other person thinks, feels and experiences.

Right now all I see are whores and sluts and players and the people who want to be like them. Nearly everyone I talk to has experiences which will send me into a withdrawal attack for sure. I hate girls who like men, who tell about their experiences, their preferences... I hate men who like girls and talk about them, especially as if they're cattle.

Hate, hate, hate... Pain, pain, pain... I can not understand, I can not deal with it, I just want to get away from the pain which threatens to rip me apart. I don't want to lie crying uncontrollably on my bed whilst cringing in mental pain for hours nearly every day. How can I make this stop? I'll do it no matter what it is. I'll slice any artery, pierce or cut off any part of my body, murder whoever may hold the key. Anything...

I want to live... not in fear of when the next thing passes by which triggers my traumas and makes me feel horrible again. I feel broken, a shell filled with only the trembling remains of an existence. The only things which bring me solace are cold, rational things. Things which do not involve people and the chaos they bring with them. I grew up with computers and I'll always treasure technology more than whichever person.

Technology and science don't hurt... don't ridicule, or act like primordial clumps of raw stupidity and evil. I can't get over how ridiculous people are. Embedding themselves firmly in ignorance they fail to see what's truly out there, that if they were to just cast off their primal ancestry and grasp the concept of logic, they could finally embrace reality and existence.

I so despise people...


Saturday, 15 November 2008

Shifting Definitions~

Yesterday I had my appointment with the gynaecologist/sexuologist at the AMC in Amsterdam. Much of what I remember of those two hours is me being questioned on every single detail of my life while forbidden to speak while she was writing things down. At least I never had to repeat anything for her. She understood my situation, understood that I'm not transsexual either. That's right, I'm rid of the 'transsexual' label I got forced on me four years ago. As she recognizes that I feel like a woman and see my body as being that of a woman, there's no way to make it fit the definition of transsexuality.

As for the physical examination which also took place... Thanks to a urologist who joined the examination, I got confirmation that a) I do indeed not have a foreskin and b) I have a (very tiny) prostate. The point I indicated as the place where I feel what I suspect to be a vagina is located, is not near the anal part and thus I was not using the backdoor, so to speak :P

As to what I do have there... she said it can't be a vagina, says that I'd have to be something like an outgrowth of the urinary tract, something they said in Germany as well after a re-evaluation at the first clinic. This is a conclusion I find remarkable, as it'd have to fit the fact that I can penetrate myself there as far as the skin allows (even with two fingers...), is my primary erogenous spot and in general shows some remarkable qualities I'd never expect to see in the urinary tract. Some explanation here would be welcome for sure.

So anyway, this gynaecologist will contact a psychologist at the VUMC's gender team, to come to a conclusion about what kind of definition to give my condition. I have no idea what they'll come up with. Someone who thinks that he/she is female both mentally as physically is remarkable enough, with the conclusion of 'mentally deranged' hinging only on whether the body of this person is actually feminine or not. Despite what some rather mean people say to me, I still think that my body is remarkably feminine for a supposed 'boy'.

Another thing I can't figure out is that a) I have a prostate which is probably non-active by now due to the hormones, b) when sexually aroused I produce a lot (probably tens of ml) of a clear liquid and c) I can't figure out where it's coming from or what it is exactly. In terms of properties this liquid is similar to vaginal fluids produced during arousal, but I'm not supposed to have a vagina, so...

Yesterday I was accompanied to the hospital by Pieter and a good friend of mine, a girl I've known for about a year already but who I met for the first time on Thursday. She stayed the night and left after dinner on Friday. We've talked a lot while she was here and she has provided me with a lot of support, and didn't even freak out when I went into a kind of withdrawed state after she accidentally triggered one (or more, it's hard to differentiate) of my traumas.

She also attempted to make me feel that sexuality doesn't have to be a scary, traumatizing thing. Aside from frequent, random moments of near-terror during this, I feel that it was a success. It hasn't cured me instantly, of course, but I feel that I can deal with the topic at least 0.1% better now :)

At any rate she and I will be meeting more often from now, and I really hope that we can build up some kind of relationship.. As it's all new to me, I find that I'm shielding many parts of especially my emotional side still. Part of me simply expects things to crash and burn, based on previous experiences. It's hard to believe one has truly found an oasis after having chased mirages for years.

Anyway, after a short brush with slavery (I tried to apply for a job at Gentronics, but got scared away by the requirements since I only finished HS), I'm going to start advertising my company's services both here in Almere as well as (inter)nationally. Let's hope it becomes a success.

It'd be nice if our first game (out before X-mas :P ) sold well too :) One can always hope, I guess. First I need to find some people who can do sound and modelling.

I solved the mystery of a few thousand Italians visiting my blog as well. My video got posted on the Italian Yahoo site ( ) and thus people came to learn more about me :)


Saturday, 8 November 2008

My TV Debut

Here is the video, as promised :)

That Blue Yonder~

Suffice it to say that I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up multiple times, had plenty of dreams of which I can only remember fragments and feelings of and I'm still trying to forget about that good friend, as the thought of it still confuses and sickens me. My mind is simply hurting from the incomprehension, from not being able to understand it in the slightest. Makes me want to kill things, and throw away this body together with this stupid mind's emotions and subconsciousness.

Talking about which, a brilliant, if I may say so, thought occurred to me this morning. I've been working on this artificial intelligence for a while, but keep getting stuck on the pile of work that is converting external, analogue data (sound, vision, &c) to the internal format, not to mention that it isn't that easy to develop a library which supports a nearly unlimited number of video cameras and microphones as well as other input devices :P

Anyway, the idea I got was to limit the AI to only interacting via digital text. As the goal for this AI is to make it self-aware and capable of using human language, this suits perfectly fine as an initial setup. Think of all those cheesy sci-fi movies in which an AI or alien intelligence has embedded itself in one of the computers and the crew (read: hapless victims) can only communicate with it via a screen and a keyboard. I'm also planning to hook it up to an IRC network, to give it some room to play if you know what I mean ;)

The thing is that the core algorithms of the brain are so much more simple than the input/output ones. As this project doesn't use artificial neural networks (ANNs) like others, the proper use of algorithms is very crucial. As a side note, this AI project is called Jinzou Ningen - Khipu, where 'Jinzou Ningen' is Japanese for 'Artificial Human' and is the main project. 'Khipu' is the name of the sub-project focusing on AI (the brain of the body), which is Aztec for the data storage system they used involving strings tied to a central string, with knots in those strings to indicate certain values. The AI being developed is thus called 'Khipu AI', or KAI for short. Yes, I'm a technology and history geek ^_^

To get back to my own, physical and emotional situation... The things I want/need are:
- An official name/gender change.
- Recognition for my IS condition by a doctor.
- Money, lots of money.
- Some way to deal with sexuality and the traumas connected to it.
- Certainty about whether I do or don't have a vagina/prostate/and so on.
- Certainty about whether I'm a chimera or not.
- Surgery based on the facts about my body to make me feel happiest.

Anyway, today I'm going to put up the first advertisements for my PC repair/consulting and website/software development activities here in Almere at some local supermarkets. Those who live in Almere or near it could perhaps advertise for me as well. The website/software development activities I do internationally, however, so those could be advertised pretty much anywhere. I'll be updating the Nyanko website so that it's finally up to date again. I'll finish the specification for the (half-finished) site today so that I can finish implementing it by Monday.

I can't wait to hear my child speak its first words...


Friday, 7 November 2008

Body For Sale, Only Slightly Used~

The past days have been really about my TV debut and I feel as though the fall-out from it has only just begun. I'm getting a lot of comments, mostly positive, but the occasional remark which makes me want to curl up in a dark corner and die from the pain inside, especially remarks about my voice. Yes, I know that I haven't got the perfect female voice, but to say that I sound like a male I think is quite offending. Yet such remarks address the uncertainty I feel about myself in general, and make me feel horrible. It does reinforce my desire to get a vocal cord surgery after all.

Anyway, Omroep Flevoland is sending me a DVD of the broadcast, which I should receive tomorrow. I'll try to get a subtitled version online as soon as I can. The video will be uploaded on YouTube.

Today a good friend let slip that he's looking for casual sex on certain websites. The millisecond after I realized this I just felt sick inside, to the point where my emotions completely overtook me and I had to forcefully drag myself downstairs to my bed to sleep. By the time I woke up I felt better, but even as I type this, my mind is reeling at its inability to understand why he'd do such an in my eyes horrible thing. I find sexuality in itself already a horrible, horrible thing, but casual sex is like the worst sin of all. My emotional side is just about to keel over from outrage and shock right now. I want to cry, scratch myself, hurt myself using my fists, blunt objects, knives and whatever I can find.

Ironic is that today I also got a phone call from doctor Linthorst informing me that I've got an appointment with a gynaecologist on Friday morning. This while I feel like I have never hated my body so much before. In the case that the gynaecologist finds nothing of interest, I'm not sure what I'll do. It'll be curtains as far as the medical side goes, I guess.

There are two things which devastate me the most. One is my body and my lack of knowledge about it. The second are my various traumas, mostly those regarding sexuality (rape, assault, casual, pointless sex, and so on). Both of them together are doing an excellent job of destroying my sanity. The former is relatively easily solved if any doctor and/or surgeon would put his moral dilemma about cutting into a healthy person aside and favour my continued mental and physical health. Someone is going to cut into this body anyway. I did it before and at this rate I fear I might do it again. I just don't know how deep yet.

The latter issue is not so easily solved. I'm sure that I'll never fully get rid of those traumas, but with the former issue resolved and if I were to experience how sexuality (and love) _can_ be pleasant (right now sexuality and everything related to it come straight out of a horror movie), things might actually improve.

So, I'm really hoping that next Friday something good happens, of only so that I won't snap and do something I (or those who survive me) may regret.

Say, I'd like to trade in this body for a more regular model...


Wednesday, 5 November 2008

TV Debut~

Well, aside from me working a lot not much happened since my previous blog post. Other than me sending an email on Thursday to a local TV channel (Omroep Flevoland), with a description of my story and whether they might be interested in it. The next day I got a phone call from them, during which they told me that they were interested and I got an appointment for an interview this Wednesday.

On Saturday I went to visit my grand parents. It was quite fun to talk with them again since I hadn't seen them since early this year (January). I helped them with their PC a bit and I got some food from their own garden to take home with me. I also borrowed some more money from them, to bridge the gap until I get some income.

On Sunday I went swimming with Pieter at the local pool again. He got it recommended as it'd be good for his back to swim once a week or so. Meaning that I get to tag along :D Afterwards we had some french fries at a local fast food place. Definitely a fun day.

Less fun was that on Saturday night I got another... hysteria or so attack. I had an headache after returning home which worsened until I felt like I was about to get a migraine, so I went to lie down in my bed for a bit in the dark. The moment my head touched the pillow I started crying which worsened into me trying to hurt myself, which I thankfully recognized and managed to prevent this time. Pieter once again came to see what was going on and comforted me afterwards.

It's interesting for that to happen since on the other hand I feel more and more distant to pretty much anything related to emotional things. I don't care much for relations, sexuality, friendship and such any more, yet I can laugh much more at jokes, enjoy a good movie lots more and am much more free in my actions than before, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, today I had the interview. It was kind of fun and went well in my opinion. The broadcast will take place tomorrow (Thursday) on TV after 5.30 PM and radio after 5 PM. A full schedule can be found at where one can also look up old broadcasts and view them again. Since it's in Dutch I'll try to obtain a copy of the video soon, subtitle and upload it to YouTube so that I can display it here on my blog as well.

On Friday or Saturday I'll also put up advertisements for my PC repair and web development activities here in Almere. Hopefully this'll generate some short-term income.