Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Media Therapy And Protective Angels

As I mentioned yesterday, I got an angel doll as a gift from Christel at the end of yesterday's talk show event. She said it'd help protect me. No matter what anyone might think of that, to me it's a physical reminder that maybe things will turn out alright. In addition to just being very cute and adorable, that is :) Here's the promised picture:

Moving on, after yesterday's initial lamentations about how empty and pained I felt I must admit to feeling better today than I have in a while. Maybe things will actually improve from now on and maybe I won't have to die as a martyr for the intersex human rights cause. Just maybe. It's still too early to really start hoping.

Getting into contact with the media like yesterday, and of course with the publication of my story into a number of newspapers last Saturday and in more newspapers coming Saturday, does me so much good. After seven years of rejection, humiliation, the emotional and physical deconstruction of me as a person and plain torture it feels so good finally feel like I'm not a helpless victim of the medical and political systems. Thanks to my new lawyer, Yme Drost, the Tubantia journalist, Lucien Baard, and of course the many other supportive people, especially people like Christel. Thanks for making me feel less of a freak and more like a regular human being.

Not that everything is fine of course. I really hope that the media attention doesn't stop here. I, and the millions like me, need the attention. There's so much I want to do and so much I can do once I get out of this Hell myself and work myself up to a position where I can feel safe enough to reach out and help others. Not just intersex people, but to improve humanity... and this entire world we find ourselves in.



RTV Oost Talk Show And Aftermath

Today was pretty much all about local channel RTV Oost's TV show for me. This morning I saw that they had updated the guest list [1], with the two other guests being Rene Lunshof, photographer, and Christel Krukkert, artist. A lawyer was also present as a regular guest. The description on the website about me:

"Te gast is Maya Posch. Maya woont in Rijssen en is hermafrodiet, oftewel intersexueel; zowel man als vrouw. Maya is 28 jaar en werd geboren als Thijs. In Duitsland erkennen ze het fenomeen als hermafrodiet, Nederland echter niet waardoor ze in ons eigen land niet in aanmerking komt voor operaties of medische onderzoeken. Dit is voor Maya een reden om snel naar het buitenland te gaan."

Which translates to:

"Our guest is Maya Posch. Maya lives in Rijssen and is a hermaphrodite, or intersex; both male and female. Maya is 28 years old and was born as Thijs. In Germany they recognize the phenomenon as hermaphrodite, the Netherlands doesn't however so that she does not qualify for surgery or medical examinations in our own country. This is for Maya a reason to quickly go to a foreign country."

Traveling to the television studio was uneventful; a short trip by train and bus, with the walk to from the bus stop to the studio made easy due to having scouted the area beforehand via Google Maps and by having the massive broadcast tower visible from a few kilometers away. I was received quite well, given something to drink and soon ended up talking with the two hosts and the guests. We all got a quick trip to the beautician to get some foundation and make-up, which is fun.

The live show itself was fun as well. I will soon put it online with English subtitles. Suffice it to say that I did cover pretty much all of the crucial topics, even if I did take up quite a bit of the show's time :) One of the hosts remarked after the show that they could have spent another fifteen minutes talking with me. There definitely seems to be enough material to cover for many more shows.

Nicest part about the whole show has to be when Christel, who spent the entire show working on one of her knitted animals (amigurumi), at the end of the show handed me her creation and simply said "For you.". She had made this adorable little angel, complete with halo and wings. I'll put a picture up of it probably tomorrow. After the show everyone had dinner together during which I got asked many more questions until ultimately I was talking mostly to Christel. It felt so incredibly comforting to talk to her.

After everyone said their goodbyes and the studio was emptying out Christel and I left the building together. As it turned out she was by bicycle and offered to drive me to the train station, which I agreed to. It's been many years since I last got driven around like this. For some reason being near Christel and just talking about random and less random things made me feel so... warm inside. I think she really managed to touch something inside of me and understand me on a level many others do not. I'm actually crying a bit while I think back to it. Thank you, Christel :)

On my way home I mostly felt cold and empty inside. It hurts so much to be exposed to... humane treatment and understanding, I guess. It makes the void inside me just so much more obvious to the point where I just want to cry and cry until there's not a single tear left inside of me. I do try to keep up a brave face during the day, but I'm not the brave and courageous person people think I am. I'm this lonely, frightened child, abandoned in the midst of these cold, dark woods. I'm simply terrified, yet a tiny part of me still hopes that one day I can find this warm home again which I seem to remember from such a long time ago.

I hope it will be soon.



Monday, 27 February 2012

First Media Waves

Despite my initial feelings about the media attention I might receive for my case against the Dutch hospitals it seems that at least some of my fears were unwarranted. This morning I got offered to appear on a talk show at a regional TV channel, and got a phone call from a Dutch national TV station who want to see whether there's a story in it for them.

The latter will contact my lawyer, Yme Drost, with whom they are already familiar, as well as my German surgeon, Dr. Pottek. They would like for both to make some statements. Whether they'll pick up the story is still quite uncertain. It concerns the channel SBS6 for the show 'Hart van Nederland'.

As for the former talk show appearance, this concerns the show 'En Dan Nog Even Dit' on RTV Oost. The website for this show is found at I'm expected at the studio around 16.15 with the live show starting at 17.15 until 18.00. It will be repeated later during the evening and can also be watched on the aforementioned website. I will as usual attempt to obtain a copy of the recording and put it online with English subtitles.

Here's hoping that this is the first of many waves.


Friday, 24 February 2012

Not A Pittance Out Of Pity, But A Gift Out Of Admiration

First some updates. My lawyer, Yme Drost has informed me that the first US laboratory he contacted has informed him that they can not help with the DNA test for my case. He's awaiting the answer from a second US laboratory. The journalist has offered to contact one of the largest Dutch newspapers regarding the news article. I hope it gets published in there too, as it'd greatly help me cause.

Finally, I got what should be the last letter regarding the first welfare I was on. Basically I do not have to pay the money back as they have accepted my income statement for 2010. I'm hoping that I'll soon hear back from SKGZ on the coverage for the electrolysis therapy by my insurance company, hopefully with good news. It'd be nice to get back the 5,000 Euro they still owe me.

Moving on, regarding the news article publication and the likely subsequent media attention, people have suggested that I might get offered a job or similar as a result of said attention so that I can leave the Netherlands. Some said that it'd not be a good thing to accept a job offered as a result of what amounts to pity. I'd beg to differ with them on that notion. Wouldn't the offer in such a case be the result of admiration and the desire to assist? If people donate money to me, are they doing it out of pity? Discuss.

As a final item I'd like to touch upon something which I have talked about before. Today I discussed it again with my beautician. For a while now I have been wanting to go to a sauna or spa, as a way to confront myself with my body and learn that there's nothing wrong with it. Part of my namely strongly believes that because I am a freak that there is no way I can partake in such things.

I'd very much appreciate it if someone could help me with this, taking away the uncertainty about how to behave at such a place and offering emotional support as I'm confronted with lots of people being naked without there being anything sexual about it, just relaxing. Hopefully if nobody responds in a negative manner to me it might restore... something inside of me which I can feel isn't right yet.

Years ago I could feel it as well, although back then I interpreted it completely wrong as I was still suffering from the effects of getting raped and was going to partake in something which would just hurt me even more. I think that my current proposal is a far healthier one. I just need some support to take the step, like with almost everything in my life these days as I gradually rebuild it and myself.

Does wanting to help me mean acting out of pity? Or is it something else?


Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Situation Update

Things certainly are moving faster and faster... with both good and bad news arriving virtually every day. Some news is downright shocking, such as the sudden news via my family law lawyer that the doctor who had referred me to Germany for the surgery, Dr. Zweers at the ZGT hospital in Almelo, has died last month. I last talked with him in November last year. While his presence isn't required for any of my legal cases, it nevertheless feels weird that the only Dutch physician who ever treated me as a human being would be the one to die so suddenly.

Said family law lawyer has replied to the courthouse's request for more information regarding the legal gender change with a more detailed explanation regarding the request. Previously it also only used Civil Law article 1:28. This has now also been expanded to 1:24, the latter being aimed specifically at intersex cases. As my lawyer noted when I talked with her by phone yesterday, however, my request is the very first time either law has ever been used in a case like mine. No doubt the judge is quite confused about this whole issue as well.

Regarding the damages/human rights case with my new lawyer, Yme Drost, I have no updates as I haven't heard back from him in a while. I hope he's okay.

This coming Saturday the newspaper article on my case against the Dutch hospitals will be published in at least the Dutch TC Tubantia newspaper and possibly many other regional newspapers as well. I have high hopes for what will happen as a result. Hopefully the national media will pick up on it and eventually the foreign media too.

Finally... I will have to find some way to earn some money as my financial reserves are running low again. Hopefully I can get some freelance jobs to make some quick cash. It would be nice if my insurance company finally paid up the 4-5,000 Euro they still owe me for the coverage of the electrolysis therapy. It's probably too much to hope for, though.

Maybe with the media on my side I can finally get things accomplished...


Thursday, 16 February 2012

New Nail Style

Today at the Deventer beauty salon I got subjected to a new nail style art they just got in from PUPA [1]. One of the interns tried it out on me to see how well it works and so that she can give proper advice on how to use it to customers.

This is the result for me:

Isn't it adorable? :)



Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Final Days; Awaiting Salvation

Right now as I'm typing this I can feel it again... this raw energy, not unlike what a marathon runner would feel during the last hundred meters; the knowledge that the need to perform is nearly over and the realization that there is no chance that one'll do anything but collapse after crossing the finish line.

In my case the finish has to be the publication of this newspaper article in the TC Tubantia and hopefully many more via the GPD (Geassocieerde Pers Diensten; Associated Press Services) cooperation between regional Dutch newspapers. It's the first news-oriented article ever, focusing on the lawsuit I intend to start against the Dutch hospitals and also mentioning my new lawyer, Yme Drost. It's the best chance I have to get full media attention for my situation and finally the help I need to rebuild my life.

The past nights I have had very little sleep. I have general trouble falling asleep as thoughts keep racing through my mind. On top of that I keep waking up every time I doze off as the walls of this poorly constructed house are so thin that every night I can hear the neighbours talking, people snoring and any sounds from outside. There's nothing I can do about this, except maybe start sleeping on the couch in the living room. Which'd ruin my back for sure. I wish I could move at least to somewhere where I can get some proper sleep so that I don't feel so incredibly edgy. The lack of sleep alone makes me want to break down and cry.

Just a few more days until the newspaper article gets published. It's scheduled for Saturday. I hope by God it's the finish line as I know I can't keep running beyond it. If it's not... I already feel like hitting people, hitting myself... then it goes better for a bit again, until I start feeling so incredibly hurt and exhausted once more. This feeling of fatigue is getting so bad, it's no longer a matter of just holding on for a bit longer, but of holding on with the last shreds of energy in the knowledge that I'll soon plummet to my death. It's desperate.

I have said before that I do not want to die, but words are just that, words. They do not make things happen. I'm doing what I can, but I can not move to a place where I do feel at ease. I can not give myself financial independence before my money runs out. I can not arrange me moving out of the Netherlands and getting PTSD treatment.

What I can do is struggle on with some projects which may make sufficient money in a few months time, assuming I manage to finish them. It's a horrible, torturous struggle every day to work up the energy to do some work. With the lack of return on my efforts it's so hard to keep up any form of motivation. It makes it all so very hard to keep any kind of confidence in my own skills, or even me as a person. It makes it so very hard to put any worth into me as a person. It makes it seem like suicide would add a lot of value to my existence. Me as an existence doesn't seem like something very valuable. Not to me. Not to others.

In the end I guess that the past seven years in addition to my current unbearable situation can in no way convince me that any of this is worth it. Quitting seems like the smart thing to do.

Hopefully next week things will all start changing for the better. Maybe...


Monday, 13 February 2012

When There's Nothing Left But Crying In The Midst Of Exhaustion

The past weeks I have found it harder and harder to be around other people. The causes for this appear to be manyfold. First of all there was the letter I got via my family rights lawyer from the courthouse on my legal gender change. Seems like it might not be possible at all to have my gender changed, as the number 1:28 law requires one to be transsexual and have thereto qualified specialists backing you up, which would be the same people who tried to brainwash me into believing I had to be transsexual. No go there, then.

The number 1:24 law is aimed at intersex people, but in the letter from the courthouse they seem to interpret it as meaning that it should have been obvious at birth that I was intersex (both male and female genital formation visible). Since this wasn't the case for me, it appears that they want to deny me this way too. This despite the fact that there is no one in this world who would think I'm male and it's a horribly embarrassing and humiliating experience for me and others every time I have to identify myself at a hospital or elsewhere. Where possible hospitals and such have already changed my official gender to female to adjust to this. It's just the Dutch government and justice department holding out at this point.

Moving on, I further can't shake off the feeling that I got rejected at Google because of me being intersex and vocal about it. It makes me controversial, and that's not something they'd want there. What company doesn't want its employees to be as dull and boring as possible? Without any indication from their side anything is possible, I guess.

It's still so hard to imagine a future for myself. Even if more and more people are beginning to realize that I may end up being the Martin Luther King Jr. for intersex human rights, I can only remember what has been said by such forefighters and those close to them. Namely that it's a lonely place to be at. It may take years before I assemble the kind of following required to allow me to take a break. Everything seems to indicate that I'll have to continue fighting like this, without a chance at a job due to being controversial and people keeping their distance for the same reason.

Last night I couldn't sleep again. I was lying awake, trying not to think about things while ignoring my hyper-sensitivity to any sounds around me (curse those thin walls of this place I'm living in...). Suddenly I started crying, then sobbing, then I was clawing at my arms, my torso, before I noticed that my hands were trying to strangle me again. Realizing how much I want to die made me cry even more. Then I gave in and allowed my hands to try and strangle me again. Passing out from oxygen deprivation hurts. Yet it doesn't hurt as much as these torn-up insides. With the continued rejection by my environment all I can do is focus on myself, which means self-mutilation and ultimately death... I feel so helpless...

This coming weekend an article on my situation should get published in many regional newspapers here in the Netherlands. I hope it'll mean the beginning of much needed improvements and acknowledgements. There's nothing more I'd like right now than to move to my own place, where I'm not bothering my mother and with the proper financial backing can relax a bit and not have to fight off attempts to strangle myself on a regular basis.

One can hope, just not after seven years of fighting with no end in sight.


Tuesday, 7 February 2012

The Undesirables; Nobody Cares About Your Suffering

Today I got a call from my Google recruiter informing me that they won't be considering me for a job. When asked for the reason the answer was that there was none. I can't re-apply for a year now, so together with their random selection procedure there is no chance I'll ever try applying again. Within a year I'll either have found a way out of this Hell, or died.

It's yet another bitter reminder that I can not expect any outside help. Applying at a job only results in rejection, as the many attempts during this and last year have proven. At this point I can feel that it has destabilized me to a point which is borderline fatal. The numbness followed by the intense sorrow is typical. Not that people who claim to support me understand this, though. Their mindless advice is to just try and try again, ignorant of the agony the additional stress and intense pain of rejection causes me.

The last shreds of hope I have left involve my own company and the projects I'm working on together with my only true friend, Trevor. Maybe with two months time we'll have managed to have launched a few games and get some real revenue going.

There's also maybe the media. This week I expect to hear back from the journalist of the Dutch newspaper TC Tubantia on the article they're publishing on my story. It could finally kickstart the acknowledgment of my situation and those of countless others like me. There's every chance that it'll just fizzle out again, though.

Why shouldn't I end my existence again? That was a rhetorical question, I guess...

Cue the people complaining that I'm just playing the 'suicide card' again.

*bitter laugh*

Whatever... there's no way I can express this pain without sounding like a whining idiot. Guess what? I am the fool here.


Sunday, 5 February 2012

Closer To Salvation, Yet Not Out Of Mortal Danger

The month of January 2012 was quite harrowing. So many things have happened... the most upsetting of the new things happening was probably the psychiatric evaluation I was exposed to. As you may remember I was going to cancel the second appointment for this evaluation and consult a lawyer on what to do. On January 31st I had this appointment with a lawyer. She was able to inform me that there is no case against me contrary to what the psychiatrist told me. This is just the investigation, to see whether any further action is warranted. My lawyer recommended that I should not further participate in these evaluations as I have done one already and further participation will not benefit me.

I have informed the psychiatrist of this and as agreed with my lawyer I also told this psychiatrist that she was more than welcome to contact my psychotherapist on this. I got contacted by the NIFP, the forensic psychiatry department to which the psychiatrist belongs, to pass them the contact information for my psychotherapist. When I told my psychotherapist about this, his simple response was basically 'let them come'. I love having some proper backing. I hope that I can avoid any kind of punishment, as it'd either drain my financially or force me into labour for weeks. Also because I didn't do anything wrong. All that happened was that my PTSD/DID got triggered...

Moving on, I'm waiting to hear back from the SKGZ, the organization negotiating between healthcare insurance companies and their customers. My insurance company, Unive, refused to cover the expensive electrolysis therapy I require for the excess hairgrowth I got as a result of hormone imbalance, their excuse being that 'intersex' isn't on their list of conditions. The SKGZ asked for some photographs from me of the affected area, which I did. They seem to go for the comparison with transsexuals, as technically it is the same type of case. I hope this case gets settled soon, and Unive gets me the thousands of Euros they still owe me.

Last month I was also still struggling with the bad knee. It kept swelling up and hurting. I finally was able to convince my family doctor to refer me to a specialist for it (with lots of yelling at me... I won't see him ever again due to this). An X-ray and MRI scan were made of my right knee and the conclusion from the specialist was that there is no physical damage to the meniscus or ligaments. There is however damage to the bone surrounding it, which has been bruised. This is a slow-healing injury. Fortunately it's been almost a year since the injury occurred (police beating in May of last year) and the physiotherapist I consulted said that it should be fine now as long as I keep an eye on it. If it swells up again I should come back to him.

Talking about that police beating... Wednesday this week I got invited for a chat with a police officer as a result of the complaint I filed. It was an alright conversation, although they of course deny that anything was done wrong. Protocols can be so convenient. Tomorrow I'm seeing the two agents who did the arrest and the initial beating. It's definitely not easy to confront these people whom I can only associate with the pain and agony I suffered the past years. While the primary fault lies with the family doctor's office who lied about my traumas and didn't recognize the importance of being considerate, the police should never have treated me the way they did. They also claimed that they used force because I resisted during arrest, while my memory is that they started using force right away and I didn't resist until I nearly passed out from the pain in my wrists due to the cuffs which they refused to loosen up a bit... Not looking forward to this. I will most definitely never see the police as a friendly force ever again.

A couple of weeks ago the damages lawyer I had hired to represent me in the case against the Dutch hospitals dropped the case, using the report by her medical adviser as an excuse. I have fortunately found a new lawyer, Yme Drost, who is a relatively famous person and lawyer in the Netherlands. He has made my case into one of his personal projects. The coming weeks I'll learn about what Yme has in mind for this case. He's in talks with his US medical contacts about further DNA research to cement the medical side of my case, specifically the facts about my intersex condition. I hope to soon learn which direction he wants to take the case into: damages or human rights/discrimination. The latter is most likely.

Thanks to this new lawyer I did an interview for a relatively well-known Dutch newspaper, the TC Tubantia, which should be published next week. Hopefully it'll trigger invitations from other media channels as it's my first real news appearance. I did an interview for a Belgian magazine (Dag Allemaal) a few weeks ago as well. I'll put its scans online as soon as I have found someone to translate the article for me (four pages) from Dutch to English. Doing the translation myself is too upsetting.

At this point I'm still trying to leave the Netherlands as there is no way I could rebuild my life in the very country which has done its best to ruin it as completely as possible. An indication of how terrible my treatment in this country is can be found in the medical protocol used for me, of which the analysis can be found here: There is however no one going to help me leave the Netherlands. No one is going to help me rebuild my life. I will have to do it all by myself. To this end I have to find a job outside the Netherlands.

So far Nokia (job in Norway) has been useless. I did one interview, but they apparently do not have any positions open at this point as they keep promising to get back to me on the second interview yet don't do this. I think I'll have to give up on this possibility.

Last Friday I did a first technical interview with Google (Germany) after an initial phone screening. I think it went well. Hopefully I'll get a confirmation of a next interview next week. I could have a job with Google as a software engineer in about two months time. I sure hope it works out. I have no other options at this point to rebuild my life and I'm terrified of what'll happen if I do get rejected at Google. It'd probably shatter any last bits of self-esteem I still have left. Even now that things with this application are going fairly well and I'm feeling quite optimistic I am still plagued by suicidal thoughts.

What I want at this point is to have things go well and easy for a while. More fighting... more struggle... I can't use it. It's literally killing me. I know that I'm not even remotely happy at this point as I keep remembering the tranquility I felt before my last suicide attempt and it's still so much more attractive continuing to fight like this.

I don't want to die... but I also want to feel that tranquality... in life, or in death. Either will do.