Monday, 31 December 2007

Last Post Of The Year~

Yes, I'm still alive. Sorry for not posting an update sooner. My laptop decided it didn't like Internet anymore, so yesterday I reinstalled Windows on it. Seems to have fixed it.

My flight to Canada on Thursday was a mess. The first plane was delayed by 40 minutes, the second one (transfer in Heathrow) by 2.5 hours. I arrived in Canada early in the morning GMT-time, with some harassing by customs, who demanded to see proof that I could support myself financially in Canada. I thought it was all very rude. This day I stayed awake for nearly 30 hours total and I was ready to sleep anywhere by then, except on the airplane. Sleeping on an airplane is a joke.

Friday I checked in at the motel (the night before I stayed at my friend's place). There we discovered that networking on my laptop was somehow malfunctioning. We did a lot of (grocery) shopping as well. It's a shame I don't have a kitchen in this motel room, but at least there's a fridge.

Saturday I stayed mostly at my friend's place, trying to fix my laptop, using his internet and playing Super Mario Galaxy on his Wii. After lots of tweaking in Windows on the laptop, we decided that a clean install was the only option. Since it was getting late it was determined that I'd do it the next day on my motel room.

On Sunday, however, I discovered that I didn't have the key for Windows, so I couldn't do a new install. Oops. My friend arrived around noon and we went to go shopping for furniture, only to realize that all the furniture I need for the apartment can be bought cheaper from Ikea. We ended up shopping for a TV and a Wii, only the former being available. It's going to be fun to hunt down a Wii the coming weeks. Later on we went to my friend's house again to reinstall Windows on my laptop. This time it all worked out and my laptop seems to work properly again.

So how are things going? I can say that today I'm feeling the worst since the MRI scan. On Friday I cried a lot after I woke up because I felt homesick, but the way I feel right now is back to the plain old depression I'm all too familiar with. The reason for the depression is not doubts about my own body this time. The results of the MRI have convinced me even deep down that I'm just a girl and just one surgery away from a life in which all of this will seem like a distant memory. The real issue is simply money.

Doctor consults and tests/scans as well as surgeries are really expensive. My health insurance in The Netherlands was useless because it doesn't cover anything done in a foreign country unless it's an emergency or one is referred to a foreign hospital by the insurance company itself. Even if I had gone to the hospital in Belgium, my insurance wouldn't have covered it, because I never got scheduled for such tests and surgery in The Netherlands to begin with.

I really hope I can get a lot of money from those horrible people of the Gender Team of the Amsterdam VUMC hospital, so that I can pay for things here, things which would otherwise have been paid for fully by the insurance. It's all just so bloody unfair :(

Not knowing is the worst thing ever. I don't know how or whether the medical procedure here in Canada is even going to work out. I don't know whether I should have stayed in The Netherlands, or gone to Belgium. I have no certainty wherever I go, and Canada was the biggest gamble of all.

*cries a bit and wipes away the tears*

Sorry about that. I'm just emotionally drained, I guess. Yesterday I had a talk with my friend's parents about the financial side of my stay here and I guess that it has stuck around in my subconsciousness. I know quite well that financially I'm pretty much broke and that everything depends on how well the products (games and more) we'll be releasing next month are going to sell. If we only sell like 10 copies a month, I might as well give up on it and sell my body or something, as that's the only time so far when something I've done or made was received with enthusiasm.


Yes, I know I shouldn't be saying things like that.But you know what? Right now I couldn't care less. Today I'll be completely depressed and negative, possibly tomorrow as well, but I'll keep working on these games and such I've been wanting and promising to release since late 2006. If I can only get these things finished and released, that only will mean quite a lot to me, because for the first time in years I'll actually finish something significant.

In other news, apparently an article on me got published in a small newspaper in The Netherlands. Still need to get a copy of it from the journalist. Haven't noticed much after the publication, though. One girl who was on the same primary school as me contacted me and added me as a contact on Hyves. That's about it so far. Ah well.

Happy New Year's (Eve), everyone. Stay safe and don't drink too much :) See you all at the other side~


Thursday, 27 December 2007

So Long~

So tomorrow is the Big Day. 11 AM I'll depart to Amsterdam to arrive around 1 PM at the airport where my flight will depart around 2 hours later. After a 4-hour transfer at Heathrow (yay~) I'll set off for an 8.5-hour flight across the Atlantic Ocean. I'll arrive at about 22.25 local time (or 4.25 GMT +1). It'll be interesting to see how the jet lag will work out for me.

At Pearson Airport (Toronto) my boyfriend will be waiting for me after which we'll drive to his home, where I'll spend the night. The plan is to go shopping the very next day. If I feel like dying I'll just smack him over the head and turn over in my bed for some more sleep, of course :P

The next days until my apartment becomes available (first week of january) I'll be staying in a motel. Well, the nights at least, as my boyfriend and I will be going out shopping and sight-seeing, of course :) I really can't wait until I can move into my apartment, though. It's always nice to have your own place. I'm still arranging things with the moving company so that they'll not use the groupage option, but the liftvan option, which basically means that I'll get my stuff a lot faster, for a higher price. At this point I just want to get settled ASAP.

Naturally I won't be online much tomorrow, with no blog post either. The 28th I should be back online, however. I'm sure none of you will really miss me, though, even the 18 who bothered to read my blog yesterday *sniffles*

Just kidding, of course :P At any rate today was quite emotional. I had a few times today when I cried to let out tension I had build up over the past months, or just because I felt happy. Clearly I'm finally beginning to respond emotionally to the results of the MRI scan. It's all still quite confusing, however, but at least my depressions seem to have vanished. That's worth a lot, also since this means that I can return to working on all those projects I've neglected since last year. A girl in my company had to suffer due to my issues because she needs money just to pay the rent and food in Tokyo. Before the end of January I definitely want to ensure her of an income which can allow her to finish her studies at the university there.

Anyway, it's time for bed now. See you all who-knows-when. The time at which I'll post blog posts will shift by about 6 hours as well, so don't be alarmed ^_^


Wednesday, 26 December 2007


Obviously today I haven't felt that calm or relaxed. Tomorrow is my last full day here in The Netherlands, assuming the fantastic weather in London and/or Toronto doesn't delay/cancel my flight the 27th. I've spent most of today moving stuff down from the attic for my mother, in addition to watching TV and eating chocolate. I think I had some plans to do some work today, but obviously not much came from that. I'll be so happy once I can settle back into a routine again.

Because I forgot to install Final Fantasy XI on my laptop before my PCs were taken away yesterday, I now have to download an ISO of the FFXI install media. Fun. Not like I've got time to play any games right now, though. Tomorrow I need to take apart some furniture for my mother, who will be moving to a new place a few weeks after me. I hope to do some useful things too, although it's hard to do anything comfortably right now as my back is killing me when I'm sitting behind my laptop on my bed (no desk right now, and the other rooms are too cold/too public, yes I'm a wuss). It's possible that yesterday night's 'activities' may have somewhat contributed to my aching back :P Ah well, I'll live ^_^

It still feels quite surreal to be sitting here in this quiet room (except when I've got music playing on my laptop or so). The mess in this room (part of the contents of the attic) and me currently living basically living and sleeping on the floor also contribute to the out-of-place feeling I'm currently experiencing. Just need to survive tomorrow, then I'll be going to my wonderful friends in North America~ Right, guys? Guys?


Ah well, I'll see whatever happens once I'm in Canada. Main things to take care of there are twofold: first the surgery to 'fix' me. Secondly there's the matter of making the software company my friend and I are running into a success. With those two things done everything else should be a breeze.

I've mentioned before that after Friday I'd start changing a lot due to the fact that I can now finally begin with accepting and dealing with the fact that I'm an intersexual girl. It's now finally beginning to feel real. When I see myself in a mirror from the corner of my eye, or facing directly, it's like I see a completely different person than before. Or rather I see a person I've seen glimpses of more and more often before, but now the other 'image' is gone. I think I'm finally beginning to accept that I'm an adult, a girl and also intersexual. Especially the latter seems to provoke strong emotions inside me. It seems so strange that such a thing which I've heard and read about before in books and such has actually happened to me. And yes, I realize that I've known rationally that I was intersexual since 2005, but clearly only now I'm beginning to truly accept it emotionally. This really is a big step.

*wipes away a tear and sighs softly*

I still feel silly about having taken so long to realize all this. It's always been as though I lived just outside of reality, like my body wasn't real, and everything I experienced were just images inside my head. Only science and technology were real, although I could not apply any of such things directly to my body. At most I could see my body as a mere object. I'm now slowly beginning to realize that my body is actually a real, living entity, which I, my brain, am part of. It's indeed like an awakening, like I've mentioned to others before.

Towards others I behave very differently now as well. Like yesterday when I was with the couple, they mentioned that one thing they noticed was that I had become a lot more talkative. Today I noticed it as well with how I behaved with my mother and younger brother. I much more speak my mind now, yet I'm increasingly more mindful of the effects of what I say. Another way in which these changes manifest themselves is in my driving style, which I noticed yesterday and today. I've become more 'aggressive', or direct, make fewer mistakes and am generally more alert of my environment.

Everything taken together, I'm going through a wonderful development, which I definitely hope will continue even as I undertake my adventures in Canada and who knows where else. I need to get some decent sleep now, however. Last night I went to bed a bit late (past 2 AM) and I'm definitely feeling the consequences today. At least having sex no longer makes me fall straight into a depression for days like it used to. I also don't feel like having sex anymore. Cuddling is fine, though :) It's just that to me it feels as though there's no point to me having sex until after my surgery. Seemingly I'm very focused on that now. It better come soon then, before it turns into another drama and/or obsession ;)

Good night and merry xmas, all of you happy fools ^_^


Tuesday, 25 December 2007

Wrapping Things Up~

As I'm typing this I'm sitting in a nearly empty room. This morning the moving company dropped by and took with them all the stuff I want to take with me to Canada. It feels kind of strange to sit here in this quiet room, albeit not unpleasant.

Today I also started a complaint procedure with the hospital (VUMC) in Amsterdam regarding the Gender Team. I received favourable responses so far. I'll file an official complaint by mail as soon as I'm in Canada. With some luck I can get some money for the mental abuse and for the things I've had to pay for myself, due to my treatment not being prescribed by some doctor.

I had a nice talk with my younger brother earlier today. After Friday's MRI scan it has become more definitive for him as well, and much easier to see me as his sister. Things are becoming more pleasant in general with my family, but also people in general. It's simply amazing to see how rapidly I've stabilized emotionally after the MRI scan results. It's as though I've finally found some solid footing, which is a welcome and remarkable change from before.

This evening and night I was with the couple in Enschede I've been with before. We talked about various things, during which they also remarked that I had changed, that I had become more talkative at least. Though I hadn't counted on it, I experienced my second 'sexual education' session with this couple, during which it was clear that I had indeed improved and changed a lot since the previous time. It seems as though my body simply isn't build for the male way of having sex, though. It's possible that I'm just out of shape and inexperienced, however. I don't know which yet ^_^

It was kind of fun to drive to and from this couple's place over the highways in the dark. There were almost no other cars on the road and I really felt as though I was driving on a private road or so. And no, I did not see how fast I could drive without crashing the car :P

I'm exhausted now, so see you people tomorrow~


Sunday, 23 December 2007

One Never Gets Used To Moving~

So today I've spent and am still spending on preparing for the moving tomorrow. Unfortunately I still need to fill in the bloody customs forms. I seriously wish they'd make that part less difficult, especially since from what I understand I can take my own stuff with me legally speaking, but I need to use the name of a Canadian citizen as the recipient. If I had more time I could have asked the moving company more questions. Ah well :(

In other news, I'm still considering taking legal action against the people here in The Netherlands who have mistreated me so much the past years. If anything I'd like to get some money from them for the damage they've done, mentally speaking, as well as to pay for any medical treatment I'll be receiving in Canada or somewhere else. It's just unfair that because of their incompetence that I'll have to pay for everything. I really need to get some help with setting this up, though.

Tomorrow is going to be quite messy, even though this is already the fourth or fifth time I've moved. It never gets any easier.. I'll probably manage to get a blog post posted, when I'll only have my laptop here. I haven't slept in a silent room since Norway :D

Wish me luck with the moving :)


Bracing Myself For Tomorrow~

So my trip to the other side of the country went fine. Spent over 6 hours in the train, but did some work on my laptop and dozed off a lot. I visited my grandparents, an old classmate (from primary school, hadn't seen her in 10 years or so), and dropped by that friendly woman from the libelle forums who had helped me get that MRI scan. I arranged the money for the moving with my grandparents, which I won't have to pay back until later next year :)

Tomorrow is going to be absolutely crazy, with the last-minute preparations before the moving company arrives on Monday morning. Need to finish packing my suitcase and all that, and make the last backups of crucial data. Oh, and I shouldn't forget to take that shower. I mean, seriously >.> Ah, and I'm feeling tired~ nothing unusual there ;)

A little while ago I found out that the 'girlfriend' of an American friend of mine is a transsexual as I already suspected. Immediately as I started talking to 'it' I could feel the traumas begin to stir again inside me. I managed to keep it under control for a good few minutes, but as the conversation proceeded, I got increasingly more uncomfortable until I could take it no longer and blocked 'it' on MSN in addition to leaving the IRC channel 'it' was in too. This friend and 'it' wanted to meet with me next year, but that's clearly not a good idea if I respond to transsexuals in such a severe manner.

As for the cause of this trauma, it's probably due to the horrible mental abuse I suffered at the hands of psychologists, most notably those of the VUMC's gender team and the one in Zutphen. Tomorrow I'll be sending emails to my physician and those psychologists to tell them how wrong they were. I hope that they'll at least feel a moment of remorse, though with such inhumane beings it's questionable they're capable of even that. Yes, I am angry. Earlier I felt like killing some transsexuals and psychologists. It's incredible how strong this trauma is.

Anyway, moving on. Now that I've got those results of the MRI, I really want to get started with the preparations for the surgery as soon as possible. Of course, the surgery will need a lot of money. With some luck the insurance will refund it, but there are still a lot of costs around it no matter what. Any donations would be very welcome at this point. Thank you in advance :)

In other news, I talked with my boyfriend a bit earlier and it's incredible how different I feel in general but now also when talking to him. It's like a lot of walls and limitations inside my head have suddenly vanished. I feel more... natural and rational now. The confusion... emotional ups and downs are gone and balanced out. No offence to guys out there, but I'm so absolutely totally overwhelmingly friggin' glad I'm not a guy :P

Of course, I realize that I've still got to accept and process the fact that I'm IS now, something I couldn't do before because I was waiting for confirmation. I'm not totally sure what to expect there, but I'm sure it can't be that bad :)

Back to my rag pile with me now. It's past midnight and tomorrow I'll need every bit of energy I can muster. See you nekomimi-less freaks tomorrow~


Friday, 21 December 2007


Today I went to the German clinic for the MRI scan. I had to skip breakfast unfortunately as I was completely nauseous from the tension. It was quite a drive and searching and getting lost, but eventually we (my mother and I) arrived, still in time. When we entered the clinic I was almost immediately escorted (in a friendly way) to the MRI room. After some undressing (removing a bra before undergoing an MRI is a very good idea), I got to lie down on the platform after they secured a nice little contraption to my abdomen and I entered the MRI machine. No issues at all.

For reference, MRI machines are LOUD. Really, really LOUD. The whole experience is like lying in your bed, trying to sleep while you've got a techno party going on around you. For me it took about 20 minutes while a whole body scan takes about 45. I'm not sure I'd last that long.
Anyway, at some point I was released from the MRI machine and escorted back to the dressing room. After getting dressed I was taken to the waiting room, where my mother was waiting for me. A couple was sitting there as well, and we chatted a bit for the 30 minutes before I got the results. It turned out that these two people were quite familiar with Canada, especially the region I am moving to. Interesting coincidence.

So 30 minutes and some food and drinks later, my mom and I were taken to another room where a doctor was waiting for us. She showed us the MRI images, while providing explanations of what was on them. All the time before this moment I had felt half hopeful, half doubtful, so when I sat down I was bracing myself for the inevitable 'sorry, but we didn't see anything unusual' talk. The doctor started by asking me lots of questions about the nature of my intersexuality condition, then she showed the images.

I've got a vagina. An actual, physical vagina. The scans show it clearly, with it being open all the way, meaning that it is intact. It has merged at one point with part of the male side, but that's nothing which can't be corrected during surgery. I also don't have a prostate, along with some other anomalies with my male side. All very interesting, even ignoring the fact that I'm looking at images of my insides :P

So with that done, I got a CD with these images to review later and give to a surgeon. The doctor, although she is not a surgeon, told me that she thinks that there's a good chance surgery could give me a proper vagina. I really need to go find a surgeon now ;)
And then we drove home, using a really non-straight path, but we came home, in still foggy conditions (Germany had been sunny). At this point it still hasn't fully hit me what has happened.

After arriving home, I updated all my friends on the results. Absolutely fantastic to see how people respond to it, especially my bestest US friend. Yes you, you naughty girl ;)
Slowly things are beginning to sink in and right now I feel that I am changing quickly. I'll never have to doubt myself on this point ever again. I am intersexual. I can get surgery. Everything will be fine. Period.

So right now I'm exhausted. I have to get up at 6.30 AM tomorrow to travel all the way to the other side of the country to meet my grandparents, an old classmate and the Libelle forum woman who made this whole MRI scan possible. The date with the couple I mentioned is canceled, as the woman of the couple, albeit interested, wanted a more long-term relationship. I can honestly say that at this point I don't care about sex dating anymore. Doing such things for fun with friends is much more interesting anyway :)

Yes, it's rag pile time. See you zombies all tomorrow ^-^


Thursday, 20 December 2007

You Call That Being Nervous?

Getting up early is never nice. 7 AM out of bed, then preparing to go to the dentist. Good thing I could go by car. It's seriously cold outside. I arrived in time, and after a quick routine check I could leave again with no issues at all. It's good to have healthy teeth :)

Yesterday I got two more couples wanting to arrange a date with me. One of them contacted me today and if the woman of the couple agrees, I might have something for Saturday. I should hear more about it tomorrow. I'll see. It might be a chance to see how far I've progressed since I was with the last couple. To be honest I'd rather visit that couple again, but things don't always work out the way you want, especially not when low on time. Perhaps I may drop by with XMas or so. No idea yet.

The rest of today I've filled in with some FFXI, during which I met a nice Canadian guy, looking at which pieces of furniture and such I don't need to take with me after all, filling in the last couple of forms for the moving company (I'm hopelessly behind, don't tell me) and generally cleaning up my room, throwing away things I don't need anymore.

It was really nostalgic but also very inspiring to browse through this pile of old project notes/notes for ideas I haven't looked through in years. I've really gained a newfound respect for myself. Apparently not having to deal with all those emotional issues allowed me to reach a level of intellectual focus which I haven't been able to regain since the divorce of my parents. Today again I crashed emotionally again when thinking about the possible results and consequences of the scan tomorrow. Crying and more crying and then falling asleep for like half an hour. Hopefully I can finally put that all behind me after tomorrow. I really don't want to read these lines back tomorrow after the test and feel extremely bitter or so.

Anyway, I'm going to my rag pile now. Need to get a lot of proper sleep before embarking on what'll hopefully be my final test before the surgery next year. Please wish me luck :)


Wednesday, 19 December 2007

Torrents Of... Stuff~

Last night I had an often recurring dream again. In those dreams I'm always at school, doing generally normal school things there, but at some point I'll almost always feel like I shouldn't stay there and walk out of the class or such. I think it means something, but I'm not totally sure what it refers to. Perhaps my dislike of being in such a strictly organized environment? It could be related to my giftedness.

So today I've been filling in and obsessing about forms. Forms for the MRI scan and forms for the moving. It's a serious amount of fun :P but at least I'm almost done with them. I finished everything for the MRI scan, also borrowed the money to pay for it. 678 Euro in total. I seriously wish I could just pay for it myself. Ah well, hopefully the insurance company will be nice and refund it. Yep, big chance :(

I've definitely got a cold now. My lungs are hurting, the headache is still present in the background and I really don't want to start coughing now. My throat also feels a bit sore. Nothing too serious yet, though. I don't think that me going outside in the cold yesterday was that beneficial to my condition, nor does the stress involved in preparing for Friday help matters.

The journalist contacted me again for some more questions and such. It started off nicely when she asked me what I'd do if the results of the MRI scan were negative. That really put me (forgive the pun) into a negative mood. When she continued to ask questions I began to feel really tired of answering all those questions. Why does it matter whether I answer them or not? It won't matter that much anyway. I'm tired of talking. I want facts now, facts which may make me feel worse, but at least I'll know the facts and end this infinite cycle of speculation which makes me want to just throw the lid on sexuality and call it an end.

Then the journalist said that she was beginning to doubt that I'm even intersexual, after I answered some questions about medical tests and such performed on me, which basically comes down to that never at one point has a qualified doctor who actually knows something about IS looked at me and no scans were ever performed. To hear her say this tipped my already crumbling emotional side right over the edge. I lost my temper, even quit MSN for a bit, restarted it, cleaned up the mess I had made by knocking things over and generally crying uncontrollably.

After shouting some things about how she'd never understand or accept me at the journalist I dropped myself on my rag pile and cried more while I (my rational side) could see how my emotional side slowly went into shock until it became like it is now: totally walled in, like the fragile bird embryo inside its shell. At that point I decided to fix myself and my rag pile up and see what I'd do about this journalist and such. First I talked some more with the journalist. Feeling very calm and composed now that my head was free from the traumatized and painful thoughts induced by the emotional side, I eventually wrote the following (translated from Dutch):

- Maya: I am a woman, whether I want it or not
- J: aside from my feeling that you are female
- Maya: that's the entire point
- J: the most important features of a woman have for centuries been a womb and a gender using which she can be fertilized
- Maya: sure, if you only look at the reproductive organs, but women are being born without womb and such, would that make them not a woman suddenly?
- J: I'm not a doctor
- Maya: I didn't say that ^-^
- Maya: It is about how you'd see such a person. Not every woman is so fortunate to be born with fully intact and functional reproductive organs. Actually not that many.
- Maya: there are more birth defects than you could count using the fingers of two hands. Yet almost all of these people are being accepted as being a woman. Why'd that be different in my case? Because no doctor has looked at me and said that yes, I am a woman?
- Maya: what if the results of the karyotype test is simply XX? Would you only then recognize me as being physically a woman?
- J: see, now you are saying exactly what I mean. You really are correct with regard to your point of view.
- Maya: thank you

So yeah... either she's just being unclear or she is just confusing :P To me it's impossible to admit emotionally or even rationally that I could possibly be a guy. To those who have actually bothered to look at my body it's very clear that it's not masculine at all. Or ask those hundreds of guys who have seen me on cam and really thought I was nothing but a normal girl. I guess that the collision between facts and opinions is sometimes just too much for me to take emotionally.

A little after this I talked to a German man I had talked with before. He had some more questions about my IS condition. It was quite an interesting conversation. He genuinely seemed interested in learning more about it and was very considerate too. Quite a difference from the interrogation by the journalist earlier.

What's also interesting is how my emotional side is split in two. I notice it quite well right now. Basically there are the higher-level and lower-level emotions. The higher-level ones are the traumatized section, while the lower-level ones are just fine. That's why I can just go on laughing and flirting and such because they're not in the traumatized section. Definitely remarkable :)

So in short today is The Day My Traumas Died (for a while). Would have made a fancy article title. Ah well, next time perhaps. I'll return to my rag pile now and try to get some Zzz~s in before my early morning (routine) appointment at the dentist. Joy~


Tuesday, 18 December 2007


So today I wasted away the morning doing random stuff in preparation for my appointment with the physician. There I learned that my testosterone level is perfectly fine again en I got a letter from her as well, using which I should be able to get the money for the MRI scan back from my insurance company, who I also contacted today. I also gave her a farewell gift (a plushie) and gave her my email address so that she can email me the results of the karyotype test.

Something not so nice when I was at the physician's place was that she at one point told me bluntly that she didn't believe I had anything but male organs. Of course, I then listed some items why I think that she's wrong, including such niceties like a not fully developed foreskin, very unusual (thin and feminine) skin of the penis, inability to perform as a male sexually, not fully descended testicles, the ability to easily get female orgasms yet male orgasms are nearly impossible en what I think is vaginal fluid leaking through the skin when excited. Like I said yesterday, I'd be a very, very unusual male :P

After I returned from the physician, having shopped for some things as well, I began to feel quite depressed and really wanted to sleep, which I did. When I woke up, however, I had the worst headache I've had since I had that bloody migraine last year. I've still got this headache while I'm typing this. I definitely notice that it's harder for me to focus than normal. I'll go to bed in a short while, I guess.

Anyway, while I was drifting back to consciousness after that nap, I suddenly heard my phone ring and jumped out of bed (rag pile). It was a girl from, who called to make an appointment. She was also interested in my case and we chatted about it a bit. Tomorrow I'll get the final confirmation, but it shouldn't differ from the date and time she gave me: Friday the 21st, at 10 AM. After the scan (takes about half an hour) I'll get to talk with a doctor about the results and also get a rapport send to me 3 weeks later. I'm just focusing on the logistics of getting safely to the clinic (together with my mother) instead of allowing myself to obsess about the possible consequences of the test. Sometimes I like the way my brain works. Now I just need to find a way to cough up nearly 700 Euro for that scan. Lovely.

In other news, I'm traveling to the other side of the country on Saturday to visit my grandparents before I depart for Canada on the 27th. I'll also meet the woman I mentioned before, assuming she has got time for me on that day. I'm glad it's just one day of saying goodbyes (not counting the 27th).

A few hours ago I joined the sex chat box again, only to yet again encounter legendary levels of retardedness. I'm glad not all of humanity is like this. I'll also not join any sex dating sites once I'm in Canada, you can count on that :)

So yeah, I'll resume the process of slowly drifting off to sleep now, before I collapse on my rag pile. See you dogs later.


Sudden Progress~

Yesterday night I got another message from the woman on the Libelle forum who had earlier provided me with the email address of the Belgian surgeon. She referred me to, a site which has links with a German clinic for full-body scans, but also individual MRI and CT scans. Tomorrow I should get a call or email back from them to arrange things. I hope it works out well so that I can go to Germany this week.

Once I know which day I'll go to Germany I can plan the date on which I go to the other side of the country to visit my grandparents and on the way drop by the aforementioned woman. I can't wait to talk with her in real life. She seems like a really nice and caring person so far. A big difference from some other people on that forum who can't stop questioning my motives for going to Canada, to the point of acting as though it's some kind of betrayal. For someone like me who has spent around 10 years on the English parts of the internet and therefore has established a network of people mostly in North America, it really doesn't seem that odd that I'd be more at home and have more friends over there. Ah well.

So this week I should be going to Germany for probably an MRI scan. I honestly didn't expect this to happen so quickly, and it has taken me a while to catch up to reality. In many ways it's a big confrontation. This scan should tell me what the options are with regard to a possible surgery to restore my vagina, something which may seem insignificant, but carries an enormous emotional importance for me. Depending on the result I'll be either overjoyed or feeling completely depressed. Obviously I'm both excited and terrified of what the result may be, and I keep questioning everything I've hold on to ever since I discovered what was wrong with me.

However, no matter what the result may be, it doesn't change the fact that I am intersexual. My inability to perform sexually as a male, from the very moment I entered puberty, the clear anatomical and other characteristics which would make any expert identify me as a female as well as the fact that I can get female orgasms very easily... all those things would make me a very, very unusual 'male'.

Then there is the karyotype test result, which will take a few more weeks. That test also carries a lot of importance for me, as I explained before. To me the worst case scenario would be that the test results showed that I've got XY chromosomes and nothing resembling a vagina. That situation would make it very hard for me to maintain my identity, because no matter how hard I have tried, I could never see myself as a male, neither physically or mentally. Having grown towards accepting myself as a female is now finally succeeding as I leave more and more of my childness behind. Getting such bad results would pretty much undo a lot of this progress and throw me back to where I was many months ago.

To me it'd confirm that I'm indeed sexually defective, with a useless male side and a non-existent female one, making me essentially genderless. Right now I'm not even sure how I'd respond to it. In a sense it'd be like part of my world would collapse. To never experience sexuality, to only be able to grit my teeth as I hear or see how others enjoy theirs... it'd be many times worse than it is now. Yet I still want this test, as not knowing is much worse in a sense. I get sick of having to tell others about how I think the situation with my body is, without having any proper facts. It feels as though I'm lying, not only to others, but also to myself. In that sense the test results, no matter how negative, might still have a positive effect.

Yes, I know I should think positively, but my first and only test for my IS was an ultrasound, which resulted in a negative result. I have no womb or ovaries. Part of me tells me that it'll be like that every time I take another test, that slowly every certainty and expectation I have will be crushed and revealed as lies and deceptions. That's one more reason why I'll be completely overjoyed at a positive result, to the point where I'll be jumping from wall to wall.

Fortunately I savagely consumed an entire bar of pure chocolate over the past few hours, so I should have happy dreams. Tomorrow I'll go to my physician and the insurance company to take care of things about this MRI scan. Wish me luck,


Sunday, 16 December 2007

Stress And Sickness~

Last night I chatted a bit more with the couple in Enschede. In short I won't be going there anymore for purely practical reasons. During the end of our conversation I began to feel depressed again about my own sexuality and felt the same kind of hatred yet again. I cried and took out my frustration on my pillow and quilt before I fell asleep. I woke up many times during the night. I felt so exhausted that I fell asleep when I rested for a moment on my bed (sorry, rag pile) some time after noon.

I've been feeling rather unwell since yesterday. Today I had a mild fever, some disorientation plus nausea and a mild headache, in addition to a depression. Clearly the stress lately is wearing me down. I realized yet again that I keep pushing people away since Friday, I've been stuck trying to deal with my unease and questions and more regarding one friend, the girl I've been with in Norway. Even when I was still there she became more distant with every passing day and now she really doesn't speak to me at all. She has a lot of issues herself, which I've offered to help with, even just by talking, but without even getting a response to such offers. So frustrating, but not a reason to erase her as a friend from Facebook, like I did when I was feeling depressed yesterday. She didn't respond to my friend request, so I guess she either stopped caring about me or is pissed. Great.

Every day I check the traffic statistics on my blog and they're not bad for a small blog, but with the audience I'm attempting to reach this way it's still quite depressing with around 20 - 40 visitors a day, most of them returning visitors, though. That must mean that at least some people care a bit about me. Or they just like to laugh at my melodramatic tales. Yes, I'm talking about you :P

Currently I'm working on setting up a larger, bigger and better site at (don't bother checking, it's still parked), which'll allow people to not only see this whining and depressed side of me, but explore less tiring parts of me as well :D I might accept some ideas and suggestions for this new site as well. Not like anyone is going to bother to comment or anything, right? ;)

In other news I've been partially joking on IRC earlier today that I'd gladly have sex with anyone who'd arrange and pay for my surgery (to restore my female side to full functionality). In reality I'd even settle for acting in a full-feature pr0n movie. Yes, I'm desperate ^_^

Anyway, I just watched two hours of documentaries on dinosaurs including one about a dinosaur mummy. Fascinating stuff. And yes, talking about this stuff makes me look even more geeky and probably unattractive *tear*

I'm going to my bed... er, rag pile now. See you fossilized freaks later~


Saturday, 15 December 2007

Moving On~

So after feeling very, very upset for a while last night, I finally managed to fall asleep, to wake up about 6 hours later. I wrote a response to the surgeon, explaining my situation such as that no tests and such have been performed and asking him whether he could perhaps refer me to someone in Canada, as that might be more practical. After having been awake for 2 hours, I went back to bed and slept another 4 hours. I haven't slept 10 hours on a day in quite a while.

When I woke up again I felt quite clear-headed. I knew that I had to go to Canada and that while I would maintain contact with this surgeon I wouldn't stay in The Netherlands for it. If necessary I'll just fly back to Belgium for the surgery, with the tests hopefully done in Canada. While talking with my mother for a bit she agreed with this. To find housing in The Netherlands is difficult/expensive enough (I'd pay ten times as much for the same amount of space I get in Canada with my apartment.

And yes, I've finally got an apartment. My boyfriend will take care of the deposit on Monday and then I just have to pay the first month's rent upon moving in. I'm really relieved that has been taken care of. The landlord seems like a nice woman, she even agreed to hold the apartment despite the application form not having been completed (not signed) yet, and even taking cash as an exception. This is a very good impression.

I really hope that the moving company will leave the same positive impression. I sent in the filled in form for the moving on Friday. If I don't get a response from them on Monday I'll have to email/call/both. Please don't let things go wrong here...

As a variation on the seemingly eternal 'guy learns about my 'secret' and runs away' theme, I now got one of those guys on MSN who has read my blog today and came to me to ask me a few questions about it. He actually seemed understanding, though a bit timid, but he didn't run away. Interesting.

I've started on a new project I've been brooding on for quite a while, which I'm sure people will love. Tonight and tomorrow is going to be crunch time on the website if I want to get it done by the (very dynamic) deadline I've set myself. Then there's that bloody game script which I've been putting off for way too long. Please don't let anything unexpected happen, please?

There's a possibility that I may go to the couple in Enschede again, but there's no date set for it. It'd be nice to get an agreement on that so that together with the moving company I can finalize my planning for next week.

Until tomorrow (or the next update), my dear Readers.


Friday, 14 December 2007

Paradigm Shifts~

So today was rather interesting. First of all I'm now officially bed-less, with this item of furniture taken away by my cousin, to become the new bed of his daughter. She sure loved my bed when she got to see it a few weeks ago, so I hope it makes her happy :)

Most of the interesting things came from the Libelle forum. I learned that there are actually groups in this country who help intersexual people, though the one they referred to was specifically for women with XY genes. Still, I came to some insights today. First of all I think it's unfair that I have had to figure out everything about where to go to get help and do other research myself. I sure hope I haven't made any mistakes so far, although judging in retrospect makes one very biased.

One of things which really irk me is how when I first came to the gender team of the UMC in Amsterdam, they didn't a) acknowledge that I might be right or b) refer me to an IS group. Same thing when I came to Humanitas (also in Amsterdam) and then again with the psychologist in Zutphen. I think it's exceptionally uncaring and cruel that they didn't even do that.

It is totally clear to me now that until I know all the facts about my condition and things surrounding it that I can not begin with accepting and coming to terms with what has happened to me. This does not mean that I need to be subjected to more talking and speculating, as that's like telling someone he has cancer, yet first making that person talk to multiple psychologists for half a year before finally telling him what he has exactly and what they're going to do about it. Give me those scans and other tests and I promise I'll stop whining and may actually be able to go on with my life.

In other news, I'm beginning to realize more and more that what I see in the mirror and on the webcam image really is me, and that when I tell my muscles to do *this* my face will do *that* and such. It's a really weird sensation, but also really cool, kind of like leveling up in an RPG. Speaking of which, I played some more Final Fantasy XI today and gained another level with my Red Mage Mithra. Level 8~

Anyway, it's time I retreat to my pile of rags which I will be calling my 'bed' for the coming two weeks. See you all later,


Update: I just received a reply to the email I sent to a Belgian surgeon yesterday. He would like to invite me for a consult, or otherwise help me. He also referred me to another doctor at the hospital in Gent. This seems to be the big chance I've been waiting for... but it's in Belgium and I'm leaving in 2 weeks :( I don't have accommodation here or in Belgium... I just don't know what to do :(

Crashing Through Fake Walls~

So today I started disassembling and packing the first things. My bed will be gone tomorrow morning. Since I had most of my clothes in drawers which are part of the bed, I had to put them in boxes. Feels like I'm really moving now. I've nearly finalized things with the moving company. Soon I should know the date on which they'll fetch my things. I'll finally know when I get to pack my suitcase and such by then.

Today I really noticed the effect this whole process is having on me. I've felt nauseous for most of the afternoon, simply because of stress. Yet it's not all bad. Realizing this, I've decided I'll have to calm down a bit and focus on the things which are important right now. For this reason I've also decided to completely quit showing myself to strangers on cam unless there's a very good reason for it.

Thanks to a message exchange with a really nice woman on a forum I started frequenting a short while ago (the Libelle forums, for those who live in the Netherlands), I've come to a lot of new insights and can literally feel myself changing. She also gave me the email address of a Belgian surgeon who is good at reconstructive surgery. I sent him an email. I'll see what'll come out of it.

I really should go to bed now... it's approaching 1 AM and I have to be up again in about 6 hours :P

So long and thanks for the fish~


Thursday, 13 December 2007

Tired again...

Yesterday I got a message from a couple on the sex dating site about a threesome. Upon contacting them it turned out that they hadn't realized that I wasn't a regular girl. Hearing that still really, really hurts.

At any rate, the girl and I ended up talking a bit, and after I told her more about me, she became more interested and eventually I caved into a request to show myself off on cam. Her boyfriend was watching as well. She seemed to be rather interested in me and even asked me to do things like take off my panties (otherwise a big no-no) and do stuff with my male side. By this time her boyfriend, who had been somewhat interested before had stopped the cam and didn't say anything afterwards. I thought he was very rude. It also hurts so much to be treated like a mere curiosity.

Thanks to that cam session I didn't go to bed until around 1.30 AM. Thanks to waking up around 5-6 AM I didn't get much sleep. I did try to fall asleep again, but ended up being assaulted by negative thoughts. I remember why I started suppressing any thoughts regarding sexuality. It's just so bloody negative and painful in every sense of the word. I'm sick and tired of being sexually defective. Having sex no matter what way is pointless and futile. I wouldn't mind seeing sexuality vanish completely from my life.

And yes, I know that's being really negative again. I'm just realizing more and more that what I'm looking forward to and waiting for are those medical tests. The moment of revelation when I'll finally know what's the matter with me and what my options are. Anything before that is just speculation, confusion and frustration. I do know that I'm at least glad about one thing, something I was reminded of again when I saw what my mother was watching on TV yesterday. It was a documentary about a transsexual guy. Just one look at the guy in question made me nearly thank God on my knees that I'm not a transsexual. God, I know I shouldn't say this, but I feel sorry for transsexuals and happy that I will never have to endure their eternal suffering, even after the surgery. Now I just need those tests and the surgery and I can stand up and laugh, simply because I've survived the hell I've been in and every single transsexual will be in forever. Yes, I am being mean :P

So what else... I heard a nice remark by a guy who is also very nice, about how the IQ of the average visitor of sex dating sites approaches that of a lollipop. It made me chuckle ^-^
This morning I also had a nice chat with another nice guy. We talked a lot about self-image, perceived inadequacies by oneself and jealousy of those who can do things we think we can't. The comparison between him and me was a bit lob-sided, though, as his issue are braces, but it still showed some interesting similarities, especially those related to one's self-image and self-esteem. This conversation was really useful to me. Especially the part about perceived inadequacies has given me a lot of food for thought. I feel like I can take a bit more distance now.

Earlier I did a 'show' on MSN webcam again. At the other side were two guys who do not know about my 'secret'. Neither of them still has got even a single clue. I love how they keep whining about wanting to see my female side. Guys are really quite disgusting at times.

In other news~ on Friday I'll lose my bed :( the cousin I mentioned before will be picking it up because he won't have time around XMas. I'll have to sleep two weeks on a mattress on the floor, I guess. I contacted the moving company today as well to confirm the moving. They'll probably drop by next week to take away all my stuff except what I've got in my suitcase and such. This is going to be interesting. From the looks of it I'll have my apartment by January 5th. I hope that my boyfriend and his parents can put up with me for over a week :P

Anyway, I'm going to enjoy my comfy bed for the one-before final time now. See you lollipop-sucking monkeys tomorrow again,


Wednesday, 12 December 2007

Arranging Things...

Okay, it's past midnight, so obviously I've been a bad girl again :P

Let's see... I finally got the quote from the moving company. They want to charge me even more than the last one. I'll have to see what I do about it now. I might just cough up the money for the first moving company. At least the other things are going well. I finally sorted the driver's license and insurance things, it's all just a matter of taking care of the last details.

In other news, I bought a nice, shiny dress today. It's black. If you people are good I might show a picture ;)

Until tomorrow,


Tuesday, 11 December 2007


So today started off with me feeling depressed the moment I woke up. The subject? My sexuality. Thinking back at the things I mentioned yesterday and considering the role of sexuality in my life so far, it was so clear that it was just all negative to me, with no clear outlook on it improving any time soon. To me sexuality means pain. Sexuality is suffering, Sexuality is completely negative. Sexuality is useless.

More crying. Lovely. I then decided that the only choice was to rid myself of any thoughts related to sexuality and proceeded by executing some really strong suppression techniques, which worked, but clearly also really exhausted me, as I fell asleep again for another two hours. When I woke up I felt much calmer and above all rational. Yet interestingly enough, when I reflected on my decision a few hours earlier and then considered how things like hearing about or experiencing sexuality was enough to send me into a depression, as well as my inability to improve significantly in the past years in this area, I realized that it wasn't a bad decision at all. Rather I agree with it.

Considering that the one thing which'll help me come to terms with my own sexuality and ultimately sexuality in general is the medical testing as well as (hopefully) the surgery, yet that these things won't happen until I find a doctor who is willing to help me, it seems unlikely that anything will improve for me regarding my sexuality in the coming 2-4 months. Since I can't progress with this rather troublesome part of myself, I have decided to 'shelve' it for now. As of this morning, any thought related to sexuality is suppressed. I won't deal with it, or think, or worry, or get depressed about it. I refuse to let it screw up my life any longer.

Today I got blocked by another guy on MSN who thought I was rude because I didn't reply to him on MSN because I was asleep. Crazy guy. I scared away another guy who had responded to my sex dating profile by informing him that I didn't feel comfortable being with a guy alone. Then another guy on MSN backed off after he realized how much I disliked my own sexuality. I'd rather have him talk about it instead of leaving me alone :(

I've been busy with research on things in preparation for Canada. Things like a driver's license and the apartment and such. Got an email from the apartment company informing me that they didn't have any single bedroom apartments at the requested address, even though the previous conversations had been on double bedroom apartments. I sent an email back and await their reply. Tomorrow is going to be really busy, as I plan to take care of the insurance issue. Going to ask a lot of questions at the local insurance office.

Further I'm going to buy some stuff, like a new agenda and perhaps a dress I saw in an advertisement. I hope it's a nice one. I wish I had to spend more money on things like clothes, though. Having to browse through the bargain bins gets tired after a while. Unfortunately I haven't heard from the big web development project yet. I hope they respond soon. If they drop out, then all I've got is the income from my company, Nyanko, the site of which ( is coming closer to completion. This week for sure. Now we just need to start selling some products on it :P

I was playing FFXI earlier, but my sleep-induced stupidity got me killed. I so need to sleep at regular times again :(

See you nut jobs later,


Monday, 10 December 2007

More Confrontations...

Meh... it's so annoying to sleep about 8 hours, yet still wake up feeling tired. I slept an additional 2 hours today a few hours ago. My current mood is decidedly depressed, a clear sign that I shouldn't exert myself mentally any more today. It's like the 'engine overheating' warning light in a car :P

Last time I mentioned my emotions 'crumbling'. Now I think I know what's happening. The confrontations and the resulting shock have allowed me to get past many childish notions which still remained, albeit in a manner that is far from graceful. At least I'm still alive and sane (I think) :P

So yeah... hang on for another sexuality rant ;) Today I got invited by a girl to the sex dating chat again. My initial thoughts were about going there to bitterly whine about how much I despise my own sexuality and sexuality in general. I might actually do that. It are my true feelings after all :P
Today I also worked together with the journalist girl on the draft for the newspaper article. Reading the draft before correcting it, I was almost shocked to see how much this pattern of hating and being confused by sexuality has persisted from the very beginning, even as a child. I can definitely say that I at least feel jealous and angry when I think about sexuality, probably because I feel that for me it's something unobtainable, something connected to almost only negativity. It can definitely be called a chronic trauma.

In positive news, today again I noticed how strong my sense of smell is becoming. And yes, that's a major thing to me, since I lost my sense of smell almost completely. It has been slowly restoring itself for the past years. Same thing with my hair and such. I nearly lost all of my hair as well. Purely due to stress. It didn't grow much at all, really. Only now that I'm experiencing less stress and of course due to the hormone therapy has my hair begun to grow again at a normal rate and does it actually look healthy. I'm very happy about this :D

Anyway, it's past midnight again, which means that I've been a bad girl today~

*runs off to bed and dives under the covers*

Nigh, you weird and crazy people ^---^


Saturday, 8 December 2007

Emotional Collapse...

I finally managed to sleep 8 hours last night. I felt reasonably well-rested, though I remember dreaming a lot. Since yesterday I notice I've been changing a lot, though. It's like I feel down and skeptical about anything related to social interactions and relationships and indifferent to others in general. I guess it's part of the recovery, but I'm sure it there's a less negative way to grow up emotionally.

Around noon the people who had bought my Wii came to pick it up. We had a nice chat before they left. I now have some cash to deal with immediate money issues. Hopefully I'll soon get a response from that big web development project I mentioned before. As far as playing games goes, I won't really miss the Wii that much. I hardly played it, as I prefer to play games with others.

I played FFXI a bit more a short while ago. I kept dying, however. Last time I got poisoned and I still have no idea where to buy potions and stuff. There's so much about the game mechanics I don't know yet. The game designer in me also keeps telling me how much certain game play elements suck. I do know that I probably won't be paying for FFXI (I'm currently in trial period). As far as a social aspect goes, FFXI is a wasteland, which greatly reduces the 'stick-around' factor (scientific term). Ah well, something else to improve upon in my own games and such :P

Listening to Blind Guardian's older albums, I remember how I used to listen to the saddest and depressing music I had and basically just wallow in sadness and pain. It was as though I associated with certain kinds of sadness and such because I had those inside of me, resulting in a certain resonance. Right now I still have the same sadness and pain inside me, it's just close to the surface now and I somewhat understand why it's there.

Really, there are lots of times when I feel like just locking everyone out. Yesterday I started feeling very indifferent , a feeling which still persists. It's almost as though I'm shutting down emotionally, like after the shocks the last few days it has begun to crumble. A few days ago my boyfriend and I also had a serious talk about the nature of our relationship. In the end we decided that it'd be best if we stayed 'just good friends' for a while longer, with no commitment of any kind. For myself it was pretty much impossible to deal with the stress of a possible commitment. Clearly I'm not ready for a relationship of any kind. Even when it comes to friendship I'm hopeless. I'm not sure if it's because of the social isolation (good chance), but I can only seem to approach others in an almost cold and clinical manner. I may joke around and act all happy, but that's not the real me, as some know.

One good thing about feeling like this is that I'm able to do some work. More work than I've done in a long time. At this rate the new website will be online in a few days which would give me more time to work on the new web development project. And talking about websites... there's still no reply from the Stickam staff and their forum on which I posted a thread has been down for maintenance since yesterday.

Anyway, I'm off to hunt down some poor, unsuspecting chocolate. See you all tomorrow,


Friday, 7 December 2007


Okay, for the second time in a row I slept only about 4 hours. I did have that 3 hour nap yesterday, though, so I'm not entirely exhausted yet. I really should go to bed early, though. Also because tomorrow at noon some people will drop by to pick up the Wii. When I bought the cute little white box a few months ago, I had no idea I'd be migrating to Canada. Funny how things go.

*pokes her brain to make it do something*

Hmm... so I created a new account at Stickam (mayasama) so that I could post on the forum and get back into contact with some people there. Everything seems to be working and I haven't been kicked yet (again). Only weird thing is that I can't use any of the cams, or create my own room ('going live'). Still says I'm banned there. How weird. No, I didn't get a message back from the Stickam staff yet. At this point I'm wondering whether there even is staff. Possibly they've just got some retarded monkeys running around. Who knows.

I'm still playing with thoughts of creating my own community site or so. With fancy 3D environments and such, of course. First I've got to finish all this work, though *sniffles* With some luck and that new web dev project I should have some much-needed cash by the end of this month, though. Meanwhile the new site is coming along nicely too. Finally found some energy to work on it today. I need to get some real sleep, though. I still don't feel like I've woken up yet. Even the vodka I drank earlier seems to have no effect on me, like it did a few days ago (I get really giggly, happy and uninhibited).


Just watched some TV: Have I Got News For You. Really funny BBC show :) QI is up next on BBC2 ^-^ After that I'm so going to bed.

Night, you crazy monkeys with your crazy monkey government~



Oops~ nearly forgot to write a blog post today :P

Well, let's see... This morning I was chatting a bit with some guys on MSN while waiting to leave for my appointment that morning. One of them was a guy I met at Stickam, some Israeli dude. Though I had directed him to my blog a few times before, he nevertheless hadn't caught on to my 'secret' yet. Insert remark about dense males here.

So anyway, he asked me about my sexual experiences, I told him that I had described them a bit on my blog, directed him to an entry, which he read. It was then that he caught on, asked me whether I was male, I told him no, I am intersexual. He then blocked me on MSN. So rude. I sent him an email detailing my thoughts, but I don't think I'll ever see him again. Ah well.

The IPL treatment went well until the girl who did it reached my nether regions and somehow the IPL device broke. Luckily they could get a new device that same day, so I could come back in a few hours, which I did. Of course, this meant that by the time I got home it was already time for dinner and I hadn't really had time to do any work or such.

In other news, I played Final Fantasy XI, which is an online MMORPG with a friend today. It was a fun and inspirational experience. I only wish FFXI was a bit less buggy and the controls more like those of an FPS. I'll see what I can tweak about it :)

Until tomorrow,


Thursday, 6 December 2007

Finding One's Balance Again~

I slept reasonably well last night. First thing I did was discuss yesterday's blog post with a friend on MSN, about this girl I'm trying to help. He redirected me to the Association of Sites Advocating Child Protection (ASACP, ). There I reported the child porn site I had obtained the link to yesterday. I hope that whoever has been on that site gets tracked down and get whatever they deserve. I really hope that anyone who reads this will also immediately report child porn on the Internet via a site like ASACP.

Currently I'm trying to find the right people to contact in the UK (where the girl lives) to report the abuse. Any hints on this would be very useful.

Things don't stop there, though. The experiences yesterday have made me recall a lot of memories of my own abuse, as well as the stories from other girls. In my case I realized that the reason I didn't say 'no' or tried to fight back was because I thought that I needed the guy, that he was helping me. Obviously nonsense, but at that time one just doesn't seem to realize that. I think that it's the same for many other girls who suffer at the hands of family and/or 'friends'.

In other news, a Swedish guy in my IRC channel informed me today that a female friend of him got raped yesterday. He didn't know by whom. Just thinking about all those monsters out there (they don't deserve to be called 'humans') abusing and raping and murdering innocent children and teenagers is enough to make me feel really sad and really angry at the same time. Things like that just have to be stopped. There's no way anyone with a heart and conscience could just ignore what's going on in the world. And (sexual) abuse even within families isn't rare at all, it's so common it's enough to make one lose all faith in humanity. No wonder so many children grow up so twisted to later hurt their own children in the same way. If that isn't Hell, I don't know what is.

Anyway... in happier news, I discovered via the traffic reports for this blog that there is a thread on me at I have no idea what's in it, only that it links to my blog at least. Registering on the site costs money, so that's a no-go for me. If anyone with an account there could tell me what's on it or provide a screenshot or such, I'd be grateful. I also sent another email to Stickam about my banned account there. Still no response.

So yeah... I pretty much got a big web development job, which should get me some much needed cash. Yay me, and thanks to my Norwegian friend :)

Tomorrow I've got to get up early, because I've got an appointment for the next IPL (hair removal) treatment scheduled early in the morning. Can't wait. It's getting kind of late now, though (12.30 AM) so I'll be going to bed now. See you crazy monkeys tomorrow again :P


Tuesday, 4 December 2007

My God...

I'm feeling absolutely emotionally devastated right now. I can't stop crying, I'm trembling all over, my teeth are chattering and I'm feeling sick down to my stomach. The reason? A good female friend of mine, a sweet little girl a few years younger than me, is being sexually abused by her own father. I already knew this for a while, and tried not to think about it too much, because she says she'll graduate from university next year and then move abroad and that she needs the financial support from her father right now or something like that. Things were going fine until I learned a few hours ago that this horribly bastard of a 'father' has taken pictures of the abuse and put them on some imageboards. Another friend of her learned of this and told me. He asked me to notify the cops about this abuse and provided me with a link to one imageboard where these pictures were placed so that I could send some pictures along as evidence.

Upon opening the link, I saw not just pictures of her, but also of other children. She suffers from Turners Syndrome, meaning that she has the stature and looks of about a 12-year old, which is why she ended up on that site, I think. At any rate the sight of this horror shocked me so much that I had immediately close it and ended up crying on my bed for a good half hour until I calmed down a bit. It didn't just upset me because of what I had just seen, but also because of the memories about the abuse I and other girls I know, many of them personally, suffered at the hands of such inhumane monsters.

In the end, however, she learned about what we were doing and told us not to interfere. I admitted to her that her friend had told me everything and also that if I wanted to keep my sanity, I should sever all ties with her for a while, because what this all does to me is not healthy. I seriously haven't felt this miserable in a long, long time, no less about the fact that I'm incapable of helping her. I hate feeling helpless :(

I feel like it's kind of out of place to talk about something as insignificant as my own issues in this post, but I'll make some quick notes since this is the last blog post of today. First of all I'd like to apologize for my depressed mood this morning. I feel sorry that I had to dump all that negativity over you, my dear reader. It is darn good therapy for me, though.

I've realized some things today: sexuality, beyond reproduction, has nothing to do with reason and everything with emotions. Hence my issues with it, since my emotional side is an absolute train wreck. Yay for figuring this out so late. Right now my emotional side is so well-developed that I could do a pr0n issue and not even blink, with my rational side just ensuring it's done safely.

I took some more progress pictures (to keep a visual record of the physical changes of my body) as well. I still think they're very unflattering and that I look like something not-quite-like-a-girl on it. Definitely not a guy, though. That'd be one hell of a weird male body. Which leads me the fact that a few people today suggested I am/might be a transsexual. I'm not sure what references these people use, but according to my definition, a transsexual guy can not get female orgasms, not even after surgery, nor will that guy have a skeleton which developed in a completely normal feminine manner, something which does not happen with XY genes. Some people are just slightly foolish, I guess.

In other news, I got banned from Stickam. I have no idea why. Possibly it's because some guys there hold a grudge against me because I refuse to show more skin or so. Bunch of immature perverts. Anyway, I've realized since a few days that the cause of my social isolation for 19 years was indeed due to my intersexuality. Around 5-6 years old is when children begin to notice and adapt to gender role patterns. Since that was the time when my mother saw big changes in my behaviour, which involved a change from an energetic, outgoing child to a quiet child, completely withdrawn into herself, a withdrawal which worsened as the years progressed. The fact that discovering about and dealing with my giftedness didn't make much of a difference in the social withdrawal further supports this.

Anyway, I seem to have calmed down now. At times like this it's good to focus on something other than pure misery. I think my emotional side just curled up and die, though. Ah well, I'll bury it in the morning.

Until then, everyone. Please send your best wishes and prayers to my poor abused friend and every other girl, or boy, who is suffering the same fate even now. Thank you so much.


Leave Me Alone, Please...

Positive: I didn't wake up once through the night. Negative: I woke up feeling horribly depressed, the familiar feeling of having sadness and pain seeping out from deep inside me and a crushing feeling which should be familiar to those who've ever cried out their eyes after hearing that a loved one has died a few hours ago. I feel like I want to crawl back into my bed and remain there forever. I never want anyone to look at me again, not on webcam, and not in real life. I wish I had no body at all.

Got two messages from 'friends' on Stickam, a nice message from a girl who tried to cheer me up and inspire me. Appreciated, but not effective right now :( The second message was from a guy who had just read my blog in its entirety. Quite nice message aside from the part where he confirmed that some other guys would indeed feel scarred if I were to ever show everything on cam. Cue feelings of being a freak, abnormal and unable to choose or decide or perhaps just unable to become 'normal'.

Emotionally I want to get rid of my male side, every last bit of it, yet rationally I know that this desire is not based on reason, just on confusion and pain with the desire to be accepted by others. It does underline for me once again that sexuality is something that's not for me. It'd be easier to just get rid of it, forget about it and stop whining about me being a woman. I'd just live on like a 'something' in that case, something asexual, like I've done since I was a young child. Truly, sexuality holds nothing for me but pain and negativity. I can honestly not think of any positive points about it.

I feel that I'm in a catch-22 situation. I do want to make more friends so that I can feel more normal and cheerful, yet at the same time I'm pushing people away with my negativity and traumas. There's simply no way to improve on this situation. Or perhaps it's just the depression talking. I'm really not this depressed all the time. It are just moments like this when I don't seem to be able to see the positive side of things. Though even when I'm not like this I still have a hard time thinking of positive points about sexuality. I think that's a hint.

In other news, I've heard that a video of a webcam session two days or so ago has been released into the wild. Apparently some guy recorded it without my permission. I already kicked out three other guys doing the same thing in the same session after one of the few nice guys I've met on Stickam tipped me off. Not only does this reinforce my idea that guys in general are utter scum, it makes me want to never, ever cam again in such a setting. I'm finding it difficult to deal with slutty cam sessions like other girls do on stickam as well, including by that girl I mentioned earlier. Not that I saw it, but she told me what she did. I want to erase it all from memory and pretend this world is a much happier place than it really is.

I'll try to patch myself together a bit more before my blog post later today. Until then it's cryin' and feeling-sorry-for-myself time.


Relapse Into Obsession...

So this time I slept quite properly. I still felt kind of tired when I woke up, though. My cold doesn't seem to be fully gone yet either. I've still got the somewhat sore chest and occasional coughing. I definitely should tone down the stripping, I guess. Or turn up the heat :P

This morning wasn't that happy for me, though. I started off by still feeling quite miserable about my sexuality, with big doubts about what I really want or should do with the surgery next year. Right now I've got semi-functional male organs and presumably a reasonably intact vagina. I know for sure that I want to get the latter restored to a usable state. That's the thing I've never questioned. The issue is with the male parts. Do I want to keep the penis or not? To be honest I don't know. It is more practical to keep it and quite rational, but emotionally I'm not sure. One could say I'm emotionally split on this issue. I guess I won't find out until after the medical tests and some more useful sexual experiences whether I really want to get rid of what is a part of me, and which can never be restored again.

So yeah, sexuality... I guess that the feeling of being sexually defective hasn't passed yet, and I don't think it will any time soon. With male organs which are nothing like the real thing in terms of sensitivity and such, and female organs which are basically unusable, it's hard to see myself as anything but defective in this area. Naturally I got depressed again at a talk about sex this morning on IRC. This is also the reason why I don't like being intimate with men, since I feel ashamed, frustrated and scared about my body and such. Therefore I've been trying to find girls who can help me find something positive in my sexuality, but so far without much success.

Another topic people have been asking me a lot about: the reason why I am so exhibitionistic to the point where I'm even on sex dating sites. My motivation for this is quite simple, namely to learn more about myself, get rid of the childish parts through shock therapy and learn to see myself differently via others. So far it has been working quite well, but I sure wish I'd be able to just get rid of this issue all together. I'm getting sick and tired of all the time I spent on it without seemingly progressing that much. One can dream.

Today I spent quite a bit more time on Stickam. People there are beginning to read my blog now as well. I haven't heard many comments about it yet, though. It's still funny to hear the people who haven't read it proclaim that they want me to lose the panties :P Such a nice opportunity to scar some guys for life... tempting~

Anyway, I'm about to topple over and I really need to do some work tomorrow, including preparing for Wednesday, when the moving company comes over to check out my stuff. And yes, I slacked off again today. Anyone who is a girl and kind of pretty is welcome to punish me now ;)

See you, all you crazy, insane nut jobs :P


Monday, 3 December 2007

The Fountain Of Youth~

Whew... the last hour of today have been pretty interesting. Excuse me if I appear to ramble a bit. I'll start at the beginning so as to sidestep any rambling pre-emptively.

So last night was a bit rough. I woke up around 3 times and had quite random dreams, one of which was quite clearly inspired by my distrust against guys and disbelief with regards to girls who don't value their body. That was the dream I woke up with. Lovely.

I noticed I felt a bit not-so-well, like I had a cold or so, with a sore chest and coughing. This fortunately passed later in the day. I do think that the stress the past weeks has somewhat weakened my immune system, making me more prone to such infections. All seems to be well again, though.

In terms of work I've kind of slacked off today, which isn't all that unusual for me, I guess. No big shocker there. What I did do today was rather... interesting. This was all due to a friend of mine, an american guy who likes to pretend he's a girl, especially online behind a webcam. He linked me to one of his active cam sessions at, which I joined. I then thought it'd be funny to create my own account and thus show myself to others that way.

After creating that account, the guy also mentioned that he had previously cammed at Cam4 (definitely NSFW!!). Because I was in a rather experimental mood or so, I decided to create an account there as well. I then decided to mess around with Stickam first. It's a rather nice site, kind of like Facebook and Myspace, but with the webcam streaming as an interesting feature. I included the link to my Stickam profile in the link section on this blog. I started my camsession at Stickam and was quickly joined by a few people, and one girl. This resulted in a private room and a game of 'truth or dare', which resulted in a lot of discarded pieces of clothing at my side :P

This was followed by an intermezzo, composed out of dinner, a TV show (Top Gear :D ) and some serious talk with my boyfriend, with positive results. I also promised him I'd stop slacking off next week ;)

So then it was about time for bed... Yet I still hadn't explored that Cam4 site yet. Curious, I decided to start a cam session there and quickly the chat was flooded with people (258 at the end). The pacing of the chat text was beyond readable. It was insane. I then decided to let go of my inhibitions and do a striptease and *cough* other things. The result was amazing. Among the people in the chat there were those who were praising me for being so pretty, there were those who were vulgar, while others spammed the chat with nonsense, a few claimed I was a boy because I didn't pull down my panties and quite a few were claiming that I was 14-16 years old. Underaged, in other words.

In the midst of the chat I suddenly got a message that the cam had been closed. The chat grinded to a halt and I closed it. I then reloaded my profile at the site to find that it asked for me to log in. Fine, so I inputted my log in details and hit the button. It said the username and password were wrong, though I knew they weren't. I also noticed that the normally visible to the public profile of me had been cleared. It then hit me that my account at Cam4 had been deleted. Only reasonable conclusion? I had been kicked from the site because they thought I was younger than 18.

Today has been an interesting day for sure...


Saturday, 1 December 2007

Lies, Delusions And Reality...

Today I woke up feeling quite a bit better than last night. Relatively positive as well. Of course, just like with that time I confronted my sexuality, I'll just crash emotionally after a while. Thus I've been struggling with some less pleasant feelings and thoughts for the last few hours.

Yet it's not all bad. These 'crashes' and consequent reboots I go through are apparently part of my emotional growth/recovery, and thus I keep figuring stuff out through these confrontations. This time I've realized a few things about what's bothering me and holding me back. It's all about reality.

I know now my motivations for the shock therapy, the lack of respect for myself and my general discomfort with a lot of real-life things, relations, marriage, pregnancy and (sexual) abuse in particular. The issue is that I'm indeed still a child emotionally. I'd say that on many points I've got the emotional awareness of an 8-year old, and the result is that I've got really big problems accepting reality.

My refusal or inability to accept myself, my own body, my own existence, it's all part of this. When I considered suicide before, it was because I could not see reality as, well, being real. When I tell others about myself, doesn't matter whether it's about my body, my work or something else, it still feels like I'm either lying or talking nonsense, the way a child would.

This is due to both a chronic lack of self-confidence which is partially induced by a fragmented self-image, and the latter is part of my inability to just get over this hesitation in acknowledging that a) I've got a body, b) that it's an adult body, c) that it's female and d) that I really don't look that bad.

I feel that I've been waiting for some kind of confirmation on those four points for quite a while now, and so far I at least don't seem to think that I'm ugly anymore, and I might even be pretty feminine. Just for reference, I find it ridiculously easy to acknowledge that I'm not male, as I've never even come close to considering such a thing since I was born.

Either way I feel this incredible need to be acknowledged on those four points by others before I can do so myself, since I know that I'm hardly objective on this matter. This is illustrated by my rapid progress in acknowledging point d after I showed my pictures to others for the first time. I think that point a isn't a big issue either anymore. Points b and c, however, are a problem, and my hesitation in dealing with them annoys me. It's as though I'm waiting for something to help me make these last steps forward. Medical tests? Yes, please.

Only one relevant medical test has ever been performed, and that was an ultrasound, as my physician could arrange that for me (MRIs and such are out of her reach). Despite the results showing that I did not have a womb or such as I had somewhat hoped, just knowing something for a fact instead of having to endure more speculation made me feel very calm and somewhat glad. It does show that it's not accepting facts which I have trouble with, but that it's the eternal speculation and not knowing things which drives me nuts.

At any rate I have decided to become less of a whiny child and deal with the not so adult-like parts of myself to the best of my capabilities. I hope that the reduced amount of whining will make the life of you, my dear reader, somewhat easier as well :)