Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Don't Mind The Fool In The Corner

Late Sunday night I finally got the document from the German surgeon with his statement on what has been done and discovered during the surgery on October 14th. I forwarded it to my lawyers. With this the legal gender change and the lawsuit against the Dutch hospitals should be able to progress. I'm currently awaiting updates from both lawyers.

Also included in the surgeon's email was a brief summary of the findings during the biopsy of the removed testicles. They consisted out of atrophied tissue - probably as a result of the hormone therapy - with no signs of sperm-producing tissue. This explains the low testosterone production, as they seem to be as underdeveloped as the rest of the reproductive organs. The vagina, prostate and now testicles can all be termed remnants of a failed development.

Moving on, from time to time people come rushing to me to tell me about some intersex person who works there and there, and isn't it exciting that they can have a regular life and be accepted?

Oh yes, wonderful...

Here I am, broke and without income or home after a seven-year struggle with the hospitals and facing a long legal battle against the same hospitals, all to fight for the right to be myself. I have no job prospects or a future. All I can hope for is that the lawsuit gets approved by the judge and I can get foreign media attention, so that maybe someone out there can take pity on me and give me a future. How pathetic is that?

I have never learned how to live with being intersex. All the examples I get are of people who either have made it already or are also struggling to carve out an existence. I do not know what it means to be intersex. So far I have put it away, deep inside, and joked about it. At times it comes to the surface and its razor-sharp edges carve my very soul to shreds.

I really do not know anything yet. Not about myself, let alone my future.

*sadly shakes her fool's cap some more*


Saturday, 12 November 2011

The Usual Mixed Bag Of News Desperate For Some Hope

Sometimes things just go very well all of a sudden.

Yesterday I received a letter from my insurance company, which after the usual moment of befuddlement turned out to be a confirmation that the request for the surgery coverage in Germany had been approved. Attached was a form E-112 which I could hand over to the hospital in question. Fancy fact of course is that the surgery is now almost a month ago already, so I decided to call my insurance company and ask them how to handle this.

According to the girl I talked to it was very simple: I just needed to send them the bill from the hospital and that should take care of it. Easy enough. She then asked whether I had any more questions and I informed about the possibility of obtaining in writing the reasons for rejecting my request for full coverage of the electric epilation I'm undergoing. However, despite having had a woman from the same insurance company name two reasons (me still being registered as being male and not having filed the request before starting the whole therapy) for rejecting the request, the real reason turned out to be simply that they had been so slow at the insurance company with forwarding the additional information I had sent them that the case had been closed.

Naturally the request couldn't be re-opened from there and I had to have my family doctor re-send the request. When I told the insurance girl about the troubles I and my beautician had experienced in getting the request approved with it still being rejected she appeared quite sympathetic. When I told her about how me mentioning talking to my lawyer about it resulting in 'lost' documents suddenly being 'found' she laughed in recognition mixed with disbelief. All in all she was most helpful in clearing up a lot of things and I'm glad I made that phone call.

As it turned out, when she pulled up my information in their system she noticed that I'm registered there as being male which she told me had confused her majorly as she was convinced that she was talking to a regular woman. Explaining about intersex, hermaphroditism and pointing her to my website not only made things clear to her, but she seemed very interested and excited about learning this. In the end our talk became quite relaxed and we were even giggling at some points. The whole conversation left me with a good feeling, and I quickly went to the local insurance office to have them forward the hospital and to my family doctor's office to have the request re-sent.

Also nice is that I have people helping me improve my resume and contacting others in order to help me find a job. One of them also runs a fun blog site for which I did an interview which is currently still being posted in segments: http://tubgoat.wordpress.com/2011/11/09/mayaposch1/

Sometimes things just don't want to go into the right direction.

It's been nearly a month since I had the surgery in Germany. It's been nearly three weeks since I asked my surgeon, Dr. Pottek, to send me a statement which I need to get my legal gender changed and to launch the legal case against the Dutch hospitals and the horrors of intersex treatment in the Netherlands. I still have no idea when I'll get this document. It could be next week. It could be early next year. I really have no idea.

Earlier this week my family doctor concluded that I have an inflammation in my right knee and got me anti-inflammatory medication to take for it. This medication has resulted in severe stomach pains,  which are apparently a normal side-effect, as well other uncomfortable sensations. Whether the medication is also doing something proper I don't know. Since yesterday my right knee is swelling up to the point where it's very easily noticeable. I'm not at all comfortable with the way things are going there and may have to go back to the doctor if things don't improve by Monday.

Mixed is also the situation with my stalkers. They have had their main weapon against me taken away, with that surgery in Germany proving once and for all that I had no reason to question my own theories about my body, and they're now scrambling to figure out something new, without any luck. They can't question the facts about my body any more and hurt me that way. On the other hand, they are tenacious enough that they keep stalking me to the point where they create accounts everywhere in order to track me down on those sites, as happened on Google+ most recently. One of them did reveal herself there, though what amazed me was that she used her real name, photo and location and posted in a public thread, meaning that she revealed herself as one of my stalkers to my thousands of followers. I won't link to her Google+ account as I'm not that childish, but it's easy enough to find via my Google+ posts assuming that her account hasn't been banned yet.

The nasty thing about this is having people with apparently no life tracking you in such an obsessed manner. Many celebrities have to deal with such unwanted attention and it is a very bothersome thing to deal with. About the exact psychology behind such obsessive behaviour I'm not sure, but that it isn't healthy behaviour should be clear. At the very least I'm glad that they don't have anything to hurt me with any more. Now it's just bloody nuisance, but maybe good preparation for the harassment I can probably expect once my legal case goes public. I'm sure that there are enough misguided, intolerant people out there prepared to harass those they see as 'different'.


Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Vlog: Putting Everything So Far Together

- The surgery in Germany.
- My intersex condition.
- My feelings about it.
- What I'm doing now.
- How I see the future.


Sunday, 6 November 2011


Quick status update on my physical and mental health. I'm back on antibiotics since Friday after I finished the first cure and the infection wasn't gone yet. Currently I'm on broad-spectrum antibiotics which have the nasty side-effects of nausea, dizziness, headache, disorientation and most fun of all diarrhea. Tomorrow I'll get some probiotics to hopefully counter some of these side-effects by refilling the number of good bacteria in my system.

Tomorrow I'm also going to make an appointment at my family doctor's office. My right knee has been bothering me more and more the past weeks while being relatively stable pain-wise after the police beating [1] in May this year. Last Thursday I noticed that walking at a brisk pace was painful and today with the colder weather it's hurting something fierce at times, while the area is painful to the touch. I'm not feeling happy about this situation so I want to have it checked out.

Emotionally I'm still very much a mess. I have locked myself up in a tiny world, to shut out the horrible world outside. I have never felt this agitated, terrified and disgusted at anything related to sexuality. I think that's the result of getting the answers about my body. I feel more like a freak than ever before. This is not a positive development and I'm somewhat afraid of where it's heading. I think I need outside help on this point.

I have also forbidden myself to even think about my future. Technically I'm still homeless at the moment as I can not afford my own place now or any time soon and the only reason why I'm not living on the streets is because my mother still has some room for me at her place. There's also no way I'm getting out this country which is slowly killing me. No one will hire a person with severe, untreated PTSD. I also can not support myself financially. There's no existence possible for me in the Netherlands, nor anywhere else.

The only reasonable option at this point is to commit suicide, but I am foolish enough to keep trying for a bit longer by ignoring the terrors which lie ahead in my future. Can't think about it any more. Shouldn't even write about it. It just triggers things.


[1] http://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2011/05/taking-nightmare-notch-further.html