Tuesday, 29 September 2009

The True Face Of The World

This world is a hideous, ugly, diseased place. And yet I can't help but catch glimpses of how beautiful it could have been. If I think about everything I have been through in brief and yet so very long life, I recoil in horror. Having experienced selfishness, lust, betrayal, egoism, cruelty and virtually anything that is ugly and horrible, having been mentally nearly destroyed by people who wanted me to believe something untrue at any cost, inflicting lasting scars willingly and knowingly. Exposed to a world which doesn't care about anything but itself. Which can only look away from its mirror long enough to cast a quick, uncaring glance at its surroundings.

There is nothing to strife for in this world but selfish gain. Yes, humans are selfish by nature, yet there's a difference between practicing it in a destructive or constructive manner. The former won't do anyone any good in the long term. It's only the latter kind which has kept this world together for as long as it has. The middle ages is a perfect example of this.

After all my whining and obsessing about my body and my traumas I have come to realize that nobody truly cares about it. Even with the specialists who are supposed to help me there's only this uncaring, unfeeling attitude. I have attempted to find a therapist the past few weeks would could help me with my traumas, only to find that no one accepts new patients and nobody gives a damn about the seriousness of my case. I'm being excluded in favor of someone who didn't get enough hugs when he was young and is now having issues due to it.

Three hospitals have caused me more emotional damage than I thought I could survive. Nearly five years of searching for the truth, only to find that no one but myself cares about it. Even now I'm feeling neglected, just a mere number at the latest hospital. Yet despite what I may say or think, or do or decide, nobody will give a damn. I just have to shut up and wait until someone tells me what to do. Just wait in line. Wait until your appointment. Wait until you decide it's enough. I may be the most rare medical case they have ever seen at the UMCG, yet nobody is going to get excited about it, let alone help me.

It's not going well with me. Everywhere I look I see the world's hideousness, in the families I see walking on the streets, on TV, in advertisements, in the things people do, in retarded things like social networking sites and 'social' activities. It's all self-gratification, not being able to think ahead more than perhaps two weeks and not giving a damn about others, not even one's 'friends', whom one will betray in a heartbeat if it leads to one's personal gain. It's all so ugly.

People only caring about the food they eat, the movies they watch, with whom and how often they have sex, whether or not they'll hire a stripper for the next bachelors party, whether to spend this years bonus on a new car or second house. It's only them, them and what they can accomplish right now to make themselves feel happy. Few couples really give a damn about the other, hence the nearly 100% divorce rate within a few years after marriage and the dozens of girl- and boyfriends one works through.

What is beautiful is science and technology and the people behind it, especially those truly striving to better the world for not only themselves. People who truly care about what happens to some remote village in the Amazons instead of whining about how expensive the wood from there has become. People who feel horrible about women and young girls suffering mental and physical abuse in backwards cultures, often with them ending up being exploited, and truly wanting to do something about it. Not people who travel to Thailand and pay for an hour with some underage girl who is being treated like dirt by her 'owner.

It's not people who sell or freely offer their body, or make use of such 'services'. It's not people who can not control the base urges of sex, violence, food and self-gratification. It's not people who see only what is right in front of them and have never considered the bigger picture. They're the hideous, cancerous growths which cover most of this world.

Finding people who are truly beautiful inside is hard, and I'm grateful that I have found at least a few, people who have displayed a level of selflessness not often encountered, even if they're not perfect. It's a reminder that a person like me who through circumstances has missed so many opportunities and suffered so much abuse at the hands of ugly people still has some straws to reach out for, even if they never lead to a shore and even if one could never build a raft out of them.

This world truly is disgusting.


Sunday, 27 September 2009

Strange Pains

Something pleasantly unexpected happened last Friday. I had just returned from a visit at the GP's office (still haven't received the name of the oestrogen gel from UMCG's Weijmar Schultz, ones I got aren't obtainable) and was settling down for what appeared to be a quiet working day when I got a phone call from the IMK, the people who had advised me and the Zelfstandigenloket on the Bbz procedure. They told me that someone from the Business News Radio (connected to the 'Financieele Dagblad' financial newspaper) had contacted them about the possibility of interviewing an entrepreneur who had been enabled by the Bbz to start or resume his or her business. I agreed to this interview which would take place the same day.

The interview went well, my part took about eight minutes. Someone from the IMK dropped by as well and was interviewed after me. The total part which will be broadcast will be about four minutes. I forgot to ask when it'll be broadcast and for what show exactly, but I will get an MP3 recording of the segment which I'll put online and transcribe to English if there are enough requests. For my troubles I got a bouquet of flowers from the IMK. For them it was an opportunity to get more attention for themselves, for the Bbz option (welfare and loan options) and for me it was an opportunity to get some attention for my company and a bit for myself. Win-win, I guess :)

Saturday was shopping day. Pieter and I got a light for above the piano to get some proper illumination there. We also stopped by a DIY store where I looked at some halogen flood lights (construction lights) as these would be useful for photography purposes. I couldn't find a proper replacement light for the one that came with it, though (need white halogen, not the standard yellow), so I decided to wait a bit with any purchase and try to find that light tube somewhere else first.

After lunch we went into the city, looked at video cameras for Pieter and tried to find the bloody light. I did get a new mouse as the old one (cheap Sweex one) simply wasn't working that well any more, with the scroll wheel scrolling backwards at times and the resolution not up to snuff any more. It's a noticable improvement, even if it meant giving money to Microsoft :P

Finding the light tube was a nightmare, though. Even at the biggest shops specializing in lighting they weren't aware of it and didn't seem to carry it. Specifically I was looking for a Philips Halotone, the blue-tinted version at 300 Watt. An example can be found on this page: http://www.shuttertalk.com/articles/diylighting. I think I found it online at a Dutch webshop, but it lacks the necessary product details to make me feel certain it is the product I'm looking for other than the product image: http://www.vikingdirect.nl/a/sku%2Fbusiness%2FPhilips-Halotone-Economy-Staaf-300-W/pr=QHH&id=51885925/. It's all very confusing.

I did get the flood light in the end, but other than messing with the white balance on my cameras there's no other way to get 'white' light. As I intend to use the flood light for photography purposes, I feel it's important to get this fixed. I'm not totally happy about the stand I got with the flood light as well, as it's clearly more meant for construction sites rather than as photography gear. It's very hard to put away and the legs take up too much space. I'd like to find an alternative for it. Ah well.

Yesterday night I had a less enjoyable experience. Feeling down and with a few things in a movie and such reminding me of unpleasant things (PTSD, not being a boy or girl), I couldn't stop the flood of emotions which were welling up inside of me. Once again Pieter became the victim. It started with regular crying (out loud), then the deeper pain had to come out, followed by a lot of anger and frustrations (ripping Pieter's shirt to pieces) and finally me being unable to stop crying, bursting out in tears again when Pieter gave me a teddy bear plushie he keeps on his room. Seeing something cute or someone making me laugh is guaranteed to make me cry at such a time.

I simply couldn't stop crying, yet I was so tired and my throat raw from the crying and coughing. Fortunately I could get a sleeping pill again, and so I took it. After dozing for a bit in Pieter's bed I went to my own bed and soon felt the effects of the sleeping pill kick in. After reading one chapter in my current book (Darksword Trilogy), I gave the teddy bear which I had taken with me one last hug and went to sleep.

Waking up just before 7 AM, I felt relatively okay. Swimming went fine too, as I felt relatively detached from my emotions. This time was actually enjoyable and I didn't feel that tired at the end. After swimming Pieter and I went into the city again to go buy a video camera. He had been doing his own research and had come to the conclusion that the Canon Legria FS200 was the best option for him as well. He got the FS200 with a 4 GB SD card and a camera bag plus a tripod. I know that he bought the camera for himself, but that if it wasn't for me he would have bought it later, after he had received his new organ. I think he's a truly awesome guy for doing this and for allowing me to use the camera.

Jan had also offered to get me that video camera, but I guess we'll have to arrange something else now. In some sense I'm relieved, though, as it made me feel so self-conscious about the code of the site I have written. Not that it is bad or anything, mind you. I just don't like feeling as though I'm leeching off others :) Anyway, expect my horrific videos on YouTube soon, as soon as I can find the right program for video editing. Any tips?

Near the end of our lunch at home I began to feel weird. I was eating a popsicle (ice pop, for all non-Americans) when my tummy felt... strange. I managed to finish the ice pop and liked the taste, but it began to feel increasingly more wrong to ingest anything. Then the pains started.

I'm not sure how to describe the pain. It was abdominal, not firmly located in one place. One time it was spreading throughout my abdomen and lower part of the upper torso, then it were sharp stabbing pains. At some points it was bearable, just a bit sore-ish, then it suddenly intensified to the point where I didn't know what to do except grit my teeth and ride it out. The pain was so bad that I couldn't keep myself from crying, something I almost never do when in pain. In comparison the only thing which comes close in my experience is a severe migraine. It's a pain you can't ignore, can't escape from. Pieter was considering taking me to the ER.

After lying in my bed for what seemed like a very long time the pain must have subsided enough that I fell asleep from exhaustion and slept for 3 hours straight. I'm feeling much better now, although I really don't have an appetite, even skipping dinner which as far as I can remember is something I haven't done since the last time I was truly sick. Around when I was 8 years old or so. My temperature is normal and I feel relatively okay, I just don't have an appetite though I can drink tea without issues.

I haven't experienced a pain like this before. Considering the symptoms I'm thinking of food poisoning, though I'm not sure what might have caused it since I haven't eaten anything unusual or anything from a packaging or such I haven't eaten from before. I'll see how it goes tomorrow. Let's hope I can get back to work then.

Time to end this blog post which has gotten very long by now :)


Wednesday, 23 September 2009

I'm Not Really Here

Today I finally received the first 2.5 months worth of Bbz welfare money. I'm now officially debt-free everywhere except for some interest-free loans with certain family members. I immediately got a haircut today to celebrate. Pictures will follow as soon as I figure out and somehow obtain the necessary parts for the new lighting setup. I'm thinking of a 300 Watt halogen spread light emitter with a white light bulb for the key light. For the fill light I will probably use a reflector at first. All of these can be obtained for around 50 Euro at any DIY store without the need to go to a special photography store.

The issue with a point-and-shoot camera like I have (Canon PowerShot A550) is that it's really not well-suited for indoors conditions. It needs a lot of light to produce nice images, an ISO setting above 150 or so will introduce a lot of noise and the flash is better left unused except in emergencies. I made a diffuser for its flash which seems to help, but since the flash on this camera is so limited (1.5 - 2 meter reach) it's virtually useless. This is why DSLR cameras have those really big flash modules with a lot more output.

By the end of next week I may have the budget for this and put my little photostudio at home together. I wish I had the money for two more stands to use for a backdrop as well. A more neutral background is always nice, also if I wished to replace it with a digital background or such. Anyway, that's just dreaming :)

My dream of getting a video camera is still far away. I have to take things easy financially, so unless I can procure financial resources via some other way (donations aren't going to do it as nobody is donating), it may take a few months. Pieter has been thinking of getting a video camera to film himself playing on his new organ, however, so if he hurries up and buys it soon I can stea... er, borrow it from him :D

The past few days and today I have spent mostly on finishing up the website for Jan's chess club. It's nearly finished now, basically it just has to successfully accept, parse and display the test data before it's done. I can't wait to finish it this week and get back to working on Nyanko's new website and the ECD game. I still have to find volunteers to work on the levels for ECD and/or beta test it, which may be either an easy or a really hard task.

In other news, I have attempted to find a psychotherapist here in Almere who is familiar with EMDR, but they all can't accept any more patients at this moment. I have a feeling the same will be true for therapists in Amsterdam and such as there is a general shortage of psychologists, therapists and such in this country. Groningen is however still too far, not to mention that I can't get EMDR therapy there.

What I have come to realize, or what I'm making myself believe, whichever is true, is that I'm really not a part of society. I have no place in society, I'm not acknowledged there, I do not have an identity. Posing myself as being part of society would be in a sense committing fraud, whether it's getting my own apartment, going to a shop, walking on the streets, going swimming. It doesn't matter, as long as I'm posing as part of society I'm a fraud, and that's something I don't wish to be.

The medical tests and such can only confirm what I already know; that I'm a freak, something which isn't part of society, a person who can never truly exist within society. Realizing this has finally allowed me to let go of the last chains of hope. I won't find a relationship or love. I won't lead a life like everybody else. The only thing that is real about me are my intellectual powers, everything else doesn't matter. To cling to false hopes will only make me unhappy.

Due to this I have finally found a semblance of peace. I can easily push any emotions away and put myself above social situations which I would otherwise have found uncomfortable or which might have triggered my PTSDs. It's still there in the background, but I can truly say that I hardly care anymore. It's all behind me now. I have found my place. It just isn't where everyone expected it to be, including myself. I only exist in my mind, not in this body.

It's not the conclusion I had wished for, or deemed most desirable, yet one can only regret denying reality, not surviving.


Friday, 18 September 2009

New Media

A response to my latest video on YouTube got my attention:

"Great ta [sic] see you once again. I was so looking forward to another of your video's [sic].

I am just wondering if you have thought of making your own? Rather then [sic] the well more professionally made ones, sometimes the simple at home with just you talking in my opinion can provide more people to understand and learn to educate themselves about people who have intersexed conditions."

This made me think, why the hell not? YouTube and such services have been shown to have an effect far beyond the 'old' media in many cases. It's a free-for-everyone, free-to-broadcast, no strings attached service. All you need is a video camera and you're in business. The loads of junk videos should be taken as granted :)

The more I think about it, the more I become convinced that this is the right way to go. Now all I need is a video camera of some kind to give it a whirl. Now, that might be a small issue... Let's see: I have a Canon PowerShot A550 which can record decent quality video with no external mic option for about 1 GB (motion JPEG)/1 minute. It's a bit clumsy to use for video, but it would work as long as the video doesn't have to be longer than a minute or so. Which is a tad short.

Another option I have is to use the best of the webcams currently I have in my possession, a Logitech Sphere. It's a 1.2 MP webcam with reasonable optics. Unfortunately it isn't in 100% working order, there are some glitches in the video, whether it's a hardware or driver error I don't know, but it causes coloured lines to appear in the video at random times. The Logitech drivers are also extremely picky, unreliable and at times downright hostile. It might work, but it'd hardly be perfect, plus I'd have to sync up audio with it. I am writing a (web)cam library at the moment which could do this, but it's still a not so desirable option.

Which leaves another option: obtaining an actual video camera. Something like the Canon Legria FS200: http://www.canon.nl/For_Home/Product_Finder/Camcorders/flash_memory/LEGRIA_FS200/index.asp?specs=1. This particular camera only records in 4:3 format while many others do 16:9. It does 1024 x 768 video resolution, which is fine. Most importantly it has an external microphone option, allowing me to get actual proper audio with it. This would come very close to the recording quality of my TV shows so far.

Only issue? Buying the FS200 new would cost one over 250 Euro. I do not currently have this kind of money. I would like a stand-alone video camera, though, as it would not confine me to always recording at my desk. I could move around, show other things, use different locations.

Perhaps I could get a similar camera for cheap or free used. Perhaps people may be willing to donate me the money for a video camera (donation drive time?). Let me know what your thoughts on this are. Suggestions for better/cheaper video cameras are welcome too.

At any rate I hope more people think this is a good idea. I would love to inform people about the issues people like me face, how certain things work. I would also love to learn video editing (from raw video), and I know at least a few people are curious as to how I sound when talking in English ;)


Thursday, 17 September 2009

What Is Yet To Come

Pieter has improved over the past few days from a fever to a severe cold to an ear-infection today. It's a kind of improvement, I guess. At the very least I'm not going crazy from hearing him blow his nose every five minutes anymore. I doubt he regrets that part either. Now I just have to live with his grumbling and whimpering as he deals with this last part of him being sick :P

Yesterday I went through another joyful time at the beauty salon I currently frequent: Jafemy (www.jafemy.nl). I have now had one or more treatments almost every week for over a month. In terms of effects I can notice a reduction in the hair growth, especially in the more coarser hairs. So far I'm quite satisfied with the results, which have made it possible for me to only shave once every other day instead of every day like before.

The exact treatment I'm undergoing is called 'Thermo' electrolysis, whereby a very slim needle (for me K2, the smallest size) is inserted into the hair follicle alongside the hair and a very short electrical pulse is applied, which solidifies the proteins of the hair follicle, effectively killing it. The hair is then pulled out. If a hair returns it'll be smaller and thus easier to permanently kill.

In terms of sensations, one can feel the needle sliding into the hair follicle, which sometimes is somewhat painful. When the electrical pulse is applied it feels like a small electrical shock, mildly painful. Sometimes the hair follicle contains a lot of fluids, such as when it's early in the growing phase and will essentially explode, which can be heard as a loud popping or sizzling noise. This rarely hurts. The hair pulling is rarely truly painful either, most of the time one barely feels it.

By the end of this year the expectation is that I'll be able to see even more impressive results than I do already. Most of the hairs being pulled out now were in the growing phase, meaning that they're most likely permanently gone. For someone like me with relatively thin, blonde fuzz instead of thick, black hairs, this is the ideal method. I can't wait to see the results the coming year. It'll be so liberating to be freed from this stigma of having to shave.

Yesterday and today I have been in contact with my contact person at the Zelfstandigenloket Flevoland on the Bbz welfare request. Yesterday I received the acknowledgement that it got accepted and that the relevant documentation was on its way. I received it later that day. Today I confirmed a few more points with my contact person.

Essentially I'm receiving just over 640 Euro a month for six months, with the possibility of an extension for another six months. I'll receive the first money by next week or the week after that. As the Bbz starts from the date when requested, I'll be getting the money for 3.5 month, starting from June 19th. This leaves me with 2.5 month to figure out whether I'll need that extension.

In order to rent an apartment, I'll need to find a place which has a rent of less than about 650 Euro/month to qualify for financial compensation and is okay with a special case like me. After that I can request extra money from the Bbz. This all makes it quite hard to find a place and I question the possibility of this working out this year.

Something which plays an essential role in my life and determines most of my actions and decisions is my understanding of the bigger picture. In Artificial Intelligence research it is a realization that if one were to develop a self-aware AI, it would have to find or be given a purpose. A super-intelligent, self-aware AI would otherwise soon realize that there's no point to existence, that anything we do, anything at all doesn't matter as the universe will eventually wipe everything anyway.

To get to the point where someone realizes this truth about the universe, and I mean truly understand it, not just acknowledging it, a certain kind of intelligence is required. Having the resulting three types of people, those who can understand but haven't yet, those who do understand, and those who never will understand, thus leads to a serious amount of friction. To those who understand, it's almost maddening that others have such a two-dimensional understanding of the world. To those who will never understand, those who do appear to be just weird, not comprehensible, just 'weird'.

I had an intense vision of this 'big picture' quite a few years ago, generating an intense feeling of senselessness, pointlessness, fatalism and all such nice terms. It took me a day to recover from it, but I did come up with a new way to look at life now that my innocence had been destroyed.

Materialism is irrelevant. When the universe destroys or resets itself, everything will be wiped. What is relevant is increasing knowledge, sharpening our understanding of logic, of the universe, of everything. In the end humans are just seeds. When a farmer puts new seeds into the soil, half of them never even make it to the surface, but get eaten by birds and such or simply rot away. Of the half which do reach the surface, not all of them mature into grown plants.

Humans are seeds, even when we are talking about mature, adult humans, they're still seeds, as we aren't talking about physical, but intellectual growth. Intellectual understanding of the Big Picture. During history there have been some individuals who did grown beyond being seeds, but got choked by the weeds of an unsupportive environment. Those who remain seeds will always hinder those who wish to grow into a mature plant.

The past few years I have somewhat forgotten this truth, pushed it away to the background in what seemed an attempt to deal with the urgent matter of finding a diagnostic for my body. This has failed. I have encountered many who have attempted to destroy me mentally. I do not wish or see the need to go back to yet another psychologist or therapist as I do not trust, do not think they can truly help or understand me.

I have to move away from Materialism again, away from this body, away from people who only want to hurt me, away from those who have no desire to help me. This body I have is only temporary, my memories and who I am as a person are not if I, possibly together with others, can find a method to transfer them to a new host body.

I will take care of this body I have now as well as I can, yet I deem it unlikely at this point that it'll ever make me 'happy'.


Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Some Bits

Things have been a bit weird around here the past few days. Pieter has come down with a pretty nasty cold, and has stayed home from work. I try to keep him company, of course, even if it means upsetting my own schedule. Apparently I'm also virtually immune for whatever bug he's got, as I haven't experienced anything more serious than a somewhat sore throat which is nothing compared to what Pieter is going through. I guess someone has to be the superior one :)

Last night I woke up around 3 AM feeling rather weird. For some reason I had this strong thought that everything was completely futile since all I'm getting are conflicting opinions and such on tests and everything. I must admit that I go through periods of this during the day as well. My dreams have been fairly calm when I remember them. One of them seemed to involve construction work, which is generally a good sign. I didn't remember enough of it to write it down, however.

I finally got the DVD of the TV broadcast on Omroep Flevoland's Vrije Vogels. I have subtitled it and put it on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXO6v2hnLP4. I'll also put it on my site's Media page.

Tomorrow I'll have to suffer through another hair-removal session. Unfortunately I had to borrow money again as the Bbz stuff is taking ages still. It's up to 3 months now. Tomorrow I'll call my contact person at the Zelfstandigenloket Flevoland and ask for a status update and possibly that advance amount of money he talked about before. It'll be nice to not have any financial troubles for a while.

I finished another page of the third chapter of my Zelda: Ocarina of Time novel today. With some luck I'll finish the chapter this week. Of course I have a lot more work to do, including stuff on the new Nyanko website, Jan's site, the Lilium simulation demo and a few more tidbits.

As for the Grazia magazine publication, it seems like nothing will change there. The journalist told me that this was the expected publication date for her as well, at least in about two months time. She did however agree that by December the article is likely to be outdated and that this is a shame for both me, her and the Grazia. Ah well.


Friday, 11 September 2009

Something So Dark Inside...

There are two sides to me. One is the girl who is interested in pretty much anything, enjoys learning and sharing information, is very extrovert and in general very pleasant to deal with (according to most).

The other side, however, is very dark. I'm not even sure I'd go as far as to call it a proper personality. It's more akin to a demon lurking inside of me, a source of incredible rage, which seeks to isolate itself from... or perhaps just to destroy the outside world by any means, whether it is through hurting others emotionally or physically, by committing suicide, by going completely berserk and doing unspeakable things.

This 'demon' is my PTSDs, other traumas and god knows what else, all bundled together into one dark vortex. My rational side is the only thing keeping it from freely rampaging. Except for moments like this morning, as you can see in the previous blog post which I wrote right before total collapse.

The horrible thing about PTSD is that often it tends to completely control the victim. A former soldier may believe he is back in the war zone and take whatever measures he thinks are appropriate, even if it means shooting an 'enemy' or taking someone (like a family member) hostage. It can also leave the person completely in shock, resulting in them being unable to concentrate, bursting out in tears or to withdraw into themselves.

My PTSD is strongly triggered by certain things like that of this morning, but there are also a zillion smaller things which are mild triggers, resulting in a cumulative effect. In the end the effect is the same, though. Negative thoughts, loss of any sense of purpose in life, considering myself to be doomed to perish, to be neglected and even stimulated to commit suicide. Above all the horrible pain of loneliness, of cruel doctors and psychologists willingly and knowingly inflicting pain upon me...

*Note: taking a deep breath here. This was indeed right on the mark... feeling quite dizzy and warm/cold again*

For me my war zone includes hospitals, psychologist offices, newspapers, many internet sites and social life. Any place where my identity is questioned, where I have to defend or explain myself, where I am lonely yet try to make friends. My life is a series of battles in one huge war, yet the biggest battles I fight inside my head. The pain and trauma inflicted upon me by all those cruel people I hate so much won't go away. The memories of events, of people, of things said or done which pain me keep coming back. All the time, without granting me any peace. That's why I just laugh when people suggest I should get out of things and relax. I would have to shoot myself through the head to really get 'out of things'.

Before I can truly fight the war inside my head, the war outside it has to end first. Yet it appears to be a long, long war still. Wars of attrition suck.


Impossible Situation

First of all I'd like to inform those who know Dutch that they can view my last TV appearance at the Omroep Flevoland site at http://www.omroepflevoland.nl/Customercontrols/Omroep/UG_Player.aspx?movieid=37163&path=&ProgType=TV&convlow=False. I still haven't received the DVD with the recording, so a subtitled version may take until next week.

Secondly I'm feeling absolutely miserable, alternately feeling hot and cold, with a pounding headache. The cause? I just visited the BBC News website and I happened to read the headline of the latest news on that South-African athlete. At reading the words 'inter gender' it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. It's been like this for ages now and it's only getting worse. I used to just hate reading about transsexuals, these days I loathe reading about intersexuals as well. I don't want to have anything to do with any of it anymore.

I'm just so sick and tired of being different, of not belonging, of not knowing, of always explaining, of getting ridiculed and used, of being so terribly alone... there's no peace for a thing like me. I won't wait until the end of the year. I can't. It's just not possible. It's too far away, and too painful. It's like asking someone with a few broken bones and a concussion to make it down a mountain. It's only worth it if you know there's something better waiting at the other side, after going through all the pain and suffering. I don't know when this pain and suffering ends. I don't know what awaits me. I don't want to be strong anymore, to live one more day. Not without knowing why in the world I'm doing it.

Great... the shock has passed and now the tears are flowing. I have no one to go to right now. No one to talk with or be comforted by. Pieter is gone to a friend's wedding. I just hope I can keep me from hurting myself. I so hate this body... It's disgusting. Just disgusting.

The media is too late. The medical world is too late. Politics is too late. Help is too late. Friendship is too late. Everything is too late. This pain is impossible. I want to end this why I can't I end this please let me end this someone make this stop please please please please...


Thursday, 10 September 2009

Everything Is Fair In Faith And Hope

I guess I'm still pretty naive. That, or very desperate. I got quite upset yesterday when I heard that the article in the Grazia won't be published until December. Why? Because I had been led to believe by the speed with which the photoshoot was organized (now a month ago) and by comments made by the journalist and others that there was a lot of interest for the article and thus that it would be published soon. To then hear that it won't be published until three months from now is then quite a disappointment. Even more so because so much seems to hinge on it, including the political stuff, as there is hardly a better way to get a law changed or amended than by having the issue highlighted in the media.

It kind of... no, scratch that. It really hurts when someone gives you false hope while in the knowledge that doing so will hurt you immensely when revealed. It's why a doctor always has to be honest with his or her patients. Not that the VUMC, Erasmus MC or AMC really cared much about that, but that aside. I have never really trusted people in general, while at the same time part of me so badly wants to trust others that it often betrays me.

I have gone through the same 'once I'll get published things will turn out fine' and 'after these tests things will be clear' cycles before with a newspaper publication, with the TV broadcast, the MRI scan(s) and chromosome test. Every time it turns out to be meaningless or end up in a kind of quagmire where no specialist wants to help me and everyone disagrees on and with everything and anyone. Every time I dare to have a sliver of hope or faith in certain people it is expertly crushed time and time again. What point is there in keeping faith or hope after primarily bad experiences?

'Discouraged' would be far too mild a term to describe what I feel at this point and have felt for a while now. As I said before, I consider the MRI scan stuff to be a complete loss, with no one going to agree on one analysis because it's apparently too complex to analyse. Worse, there'll be no other investigation to answer the basic question of whether I do or don't have a vagina, anything like it or just a weird growth. Even if it turns out that I'm indeed an XX/XY 46 chimera/mosaic, it'd only tell me something which isn't directly relevant to how I'll live my live from then on.

This morning I felt absolutely horrible still. I haven't come this close to actually killing myself in a while. Fortunately Pieter was there to comfort me and most importantly talk with. After drenching his shirt once more with a flood of tears we talked a while until I began to feel better. The rest of the day I didn't do too much until the late evening when I went into a brief working craze, showing that I can do a lot of work when I'm not distracted by irrelevant things like feelings, emotions and such junk.

What I'm kind of happy about, though, is that a female friend of Pieter with whom I was friends for a while as well until some point last year when I apparently managed to offend her somehow, now seems to want to talk to me again. If she wants I'll help her learn SQL and hopefully we can become friends again. I absolutely never wanted to hurt her in any way, which is why I'm glad I may get a chance to put things right again. I just want everyone to be happy :)


Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Call Me A Fool

So much for... everything, I guess. Today saw the broadcasting of my TV documentary on Omroep Flevoland. While it looked pretty okay, I doubt it'll matter.

The medical test results are going to take until the end of this year. The political mess will take years. I just heard that my article in the Grazia won't be published until issue 50, meaning far into December. This year nothing will be accomplished yet again.

Welcome to the imminent 5th anniversary of my personal Hell. I'm a fool for having faith in anything and anyone. Nothing matters. Nothing changes. I'm a coward for not wanting to end a game I can't win.

Perhaps today is the right day to end it all...


Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Becoming Famous

I just returned from an appointment with my GP, or rather her replacement as she's on vacation again. This guy couldn't prescribe me anything as he didn't have instructions from my regular GP. I did however tell him about the failure with the hormone patches and I made an appointment for the 21st with my regular GP while cancelling the other appointments I had made before. On my way out I met the secretary of the dentist office which is part of the health center. She recognized me first.

She immediately wanted to know how things are for me now so I updated her on the progress made with the UMCG, having to wait months for the tests, the political side of my issue, and of course my imminent publication in the Grazia. She'll keep an eye out for that issue of the magazine.

Truth to be told, I think it's really nice and most welcome that I'm being recognized like this, that people can just talk about it with me while showing real interest. It's as though I'm feeling a lot more free afterwards, like I can breathe more freely. The walk home was quite enjoyable as a result. I guess this is how it feels to become famous. Currently I'm on my way to becoming well-known, and I find that I can't wait for virtually everyone to know me by name and/or face, and more importantly know about my story.

Talking about fame, I published the second chapter of my Zelda: Ocarina of Time novel yesterday. You can get it from http://www.mayaposch.com/story_lozoot.php on my main site. Sunday I managed to write over four pages in one go, finishing the chapter, then yesterday I revised and published it. I already began work on the third chapter, but no promises on its release date. I do have all of the material I need to finish it, however. As an aside, I'm considering to publish this novel or individual chapters at some point in ePub format, for eBook readers.

In other news, while I'm generally feeling a lot better than with the patches, I still have quite severe headaches yesterday and today, bordering on migraines. I truly hope it's just an after-effect of the patches and will vanish with time.

Time for one of my (in)famous 2-hour naps, then back to work.


Monday, 7 September 2009

Hurtful Dream

I remember looking underneath my parents' bed and finding porn magazines there. I felt both excited about finding them as well as worried about how they would affect my emotional state.

I was reading a review of a movie or something on a computer, I don't remember. It was multiple pages long and as I reached a section which featured erotic content I quickly skipped it, feeling somewhat guilty for doing so as I knew a good friend of mine was watching, someone who has no issues at all with reading such things, unlike me.

The last part of the dream featured that same friend, with whom I have only one major disagreement, and that's about casual sex. He doesn't deem sex to be intimate, important enough to make it something special, whereas I find the thought of casual sex to be absolutely horrifying and disgusting. It is the one thing with which he has truly hurt me at times.

That friend and I were at a hospital building, and went to a section which was in fact a porn production company for an intake appointment. After first going to one room where for some reason we undressed, we then had to go to another room, with the man doing the intake telling us that it'd be fine to walk naked in the corridors, that it was normal. I took a blanket of a wool-like, greyish material with me which I kept pressed against the front of my body as we walked to that other room. I was thinking how at least my back looked like that of a normal woman's and thus I'd avoid trouble.

The next room was a bit messy, with a few desks and props; the man called it a studio. He then went on to explain a few things, during which I began to feel sickened and as I looked at the door of the room I suddenly decided to leave. It was a similar feeling as during those times when I felt sickened by what psychologists or doctors were telling me and left the room in disgust. I wrapped the blanket around me like a make-shift dress, and quickly left the room, walked down the hallways to the exit. As I left the section, I realized I had left some clothes in the first room, and went back. In the hallway that friend was sitting on a chair, waiting for me. I ignored him, however, and kept walking towards the first room. The dream ended before I got there.


Saturday, 5 September 2009

Birthday Party

Yesterday was my 26th birthday. It was unexpectedly busy, with my older brother and his girlfriend present as well. It was definitely more of a birthday than the previous ten or so. I also got a lot of presents, including a second swimsuit from Pieter, a cat-themed birthday calendar and cups, plus some really nice shirts. Pictures will follow.

It was the first time meeting my brother's girlfriend. She had been wanting to meet me for a while as well. We did talk a lot, also a few times just the two of us. As usual, she ended up messing with my hair and such as girls always seem to do with me :P she braided my hair and will teach me how to braid my hair plus other things some other time. My brother and Pieter nearly ran away screaming when they saw three women busy with 'girly' stuff. I guess it's a weakness common to males :P

The past week hasn't been very good for me, though, probably due to the new Estradiol patches. Sunday started with the migraine attack and the days after that I have had almost a constant headache, preventing my sleeping pill from working last night. Yesterday and today I also found myself suffering from motion sickness while in a car, something I haven't really experienced in over a decade. I also experience waves of nausea the past few days.

After a week of this it seems fairly clear to me that the patches just aren't working for me, as I seem to be hitting bullseyes on quite a few of the side-effects. Yesterday the patch I was wearing also fell off (second day), despite my best attempts to properly put it on. In terms of wearing comfort, ease of use and side-effects it can be pretty much called a disaster. I'll therefore go back to the oral medication starting tomorrow and make an appointment with my GP.

I'll ask my GP to prescribe the estradiol gel, assuming they have the brands I found (Sandrena, in sachet form, and Estrodose/Oestrogel, tube form). The dose to use is 1 milligram a day, similar to the patches, which have 4 mg per patch for four days. I then hope that the side-effects with the gel will be a lot more mild, as what I'm currently experiencing is simply ridiculous.

Please, don't let me get another migraine attack tomorrow... :(


Tuesday, 1 September 2009


First the good bits: I got a phone call from the IMK guy on my Bbz welfare request, and he told me he had sent a positive report, meaning that if they accept the advice, I'll get the welfare thingy. It's virtually certain now. I'll get it for half a year, after which they'll check whether the company has improved. If not I'll be paying the money back, else I can keep it and move on with making more money. I should hear more on when I get the first money next week.

The journalist informed me today that she had sent the article to the Grazia and is currently waiting on a response. The usual editor is on vacation, so the question is how quickly her replacement will look at the article. The journalist said that she expects more news next week. Obviously things can't go quickly enough for me here, so I'm bound to stay restless over it until I get a solid publication date. I got no date on the Omroep Flevoland TV documentary yet either, but I care far less about that one, to be honest, mostly because the impact of it will be far less significant than that of the magazine article.

Today I also managed to write another few pages of the Zelda: Ocarina of Time novel I'm working on. I expect to have the second chapter finished in a few days at this rate. I still think that it's really fun to write my own interpretation of a story I have come to love so much since I first played the game in 1998, especially since the game doesn't detail the story at all. I'm free to strip it down to its non-game-focused essentials, follow the general concepts and story line, yet without feeling constricted by some arbitrary sequence of events.

And no, following the sequence as one encounters in the game wouldn't work. In fact it'd be pretty boring. Just imagine me guiding the reader through solving the puzzles in each dungeon "...and then he lit the second torch, the third torch and the fourth, causing the door to open. In the next room he saw an entrance covered by a big spider web, some grass and a few eggs on the ceiling, as well as a burning torch in one corner. Grabbing a Deku Stick, he lit it with the torch and burned the spider web away. Suddenly he heard the sounds of eggs breaking behind him..." Then again, it might work :) it'd still be incredibly dull to write, kind of... no, exactly like writing a walk-through. And those take away part of your soul.

Despite all the progress today I still find myself feeling irritable at nothing and everything, especially when I get a bit tired near the end of the evening. There are so many things to wait on, so many uncertainties, about medical things, about media things, about political things... add social and such things to that list as well. I want to know whether I'll see my media breakthrough this month. I want to know whether any politician will be interested in the proposed law change. I want to know the results of the medical tests.

I have pretty much given up hope that there'll ever be any certainty on the MRI images. It just doesn't appear to be possible to get a clear and concise answer on what can be seen on it as apparently my physiology is different enough from what is 'normal' that it's impossible to get a group of radiologists to agree on what can be seen on it. I wonder what other options there are to check other than cutting me open...

In other news, my chest and lower back still hurt from something I did on Sunday while diving. After the first dive I felt a pressure on my chest, making it somewhat painful to breathe. During a following dive I didn't stretch my legs properly, causing them to snap forward, transferring that stress to my lower spine. Both are still causing me discomfort even a few days later. And that isn't the end of my suffering; tomorrow I'll be undergoing another electrolysis treatment, but at least it's for a purpose and the treatment seems to be working so far. I just need to find the financial resources to keep being able to pay for it. Hopefully that's solved now as well.