Friday, 29 February 2008

Welcome Back To Childhood~

Yesterday I did pretty much nothing after I wrote my blog post in the morning aside from reading, sleeping and watching movies. After my decision to revert many changes in my emotional side, it's like I've pulled loose a huge pile of tangled up... stuff, with the resulting feeling being akin to sitting on the very edge of a seesaw trying to balance a huge weight at the other side, which then suddenly largely vanishes, causing me to be nearly launched into the skies. Unbalancing, one could say.

This morning I realized something which basically sums up my uneasiness, frustration and such I've suffered during the past years. In essence I'm not fully accepted in this world as a guy, girl, or even an adult. This is why I felt so strongly the need to basically revert to being a child again, as then I'm allowed to be genderless and dodge many responsibilities. I still won't be able to avoid many things, but at least without the need to be seen as a girl so strongly present I won't keep getting hurt whenever things come up which disrupt this. It's just too bloody chaotic.

Allow me to explain things a bit more. Last week Wednesday I was more or less judged to be merely male by that ignorant endocrinologist, yet in general life I'm being seen and treated as a girl, however my official gender and name keep popping up, which causes people to regard me as being things like a transvestite or transsexual or so. Such events pretty much rip the footing from below me, causing me to tumble into a dark pit of nothingness yet again. Obviously this causes more stress than I'm capable of handling right now, hence my decision to make myself more or less immune to it via this way.

It seems that I'll have to call my former physician, as she's not responding to my emails at all. Apparently she's determined to cause me pain and suffering until the very end. How nice. I feel tempted to just forget about all this physician stuff, lock myself up inside my room and see what happens with the things my friends are researching for me in regards to specialists willing to look at me and take me serious.

Part of me is nearly panicking over any pain or discomfort I feel, thinking it might be symptoms of cancer. Intersexuality namely significantly increases the possibility of cancer, and without a proper diagnosis there's no telling what the risk in my case is, or whether I've already got it. I guess this is why not being taken seriously by medical people feels like a kind of death sentence.

Today I'll be trying to work as much as possible, while the last remains of my 'adult-level' emotions slowly dissolve. I haven't felt as calm as I feel now in a long time. I really feel I have made the right decision, even if it was a quite severe one.


Thursday, 28 February 2008

Nice Try, But You Failed~

Yesterday went pretty much as planned. The weather was rather nice, with lots of sun, though I didn't get to ride my bicycle as I had forgotten the second place I wanted to visit was also right next to a trainstation I'd pass by. Ah well, enough chances to ride my new bike left :D

After dinner the AD&D game night started, and was fun as usual. This campaign's story plays in a big city, where I as a bard have just met a group of people all part of or at least connected to some rich and important people. One of them invited me to dinner and to perform as well as stay at his place, an offer which I accepted :)

I still can't stop thinking about creating a hybrid table top/digital version of AD&D, in which people are still sitting around a table but with the world really brought to life in the most free-form RPG videogame possible. It should be interesting to see what I can come up with, with the help of my AD&D pals.

After the AD&D night ended and people went home, friend A stayed for a bit so that he could get a copy of the CD with MRI images as well as a copy of the MRI analysis report. We talked for over an hour until he went home. I can't wait to see what his appointment on Tuesday results in.

I'm still waiting for a response from my former physician regarding my file, but even after two emails in the span of a week I haven't received a single response yet. So annoying. Yesterday NG sent me the response he received from P.T. Cohen-Kettenis, the psychologist also mentioned in the AISNederland article. She's supposedly the one who created the intersexuals subdivision within the gender team of the VUMC. Her response basically said that they're looking at the things I've mentioned to them and that I'll receive a response once the whole team has looked at it. I take this to mean that she only knows about the fact that I was supposed to come there and doesn't know yet that I was kicked in the face and forced to retreat to take care of my injuries. She's part of those @#$@$% bastards who I'd like to @#$@# and @#$%@# @#$#@% until they beg for mercy, or die. I seriously hate all of those people with more than just a passion. I don't expect anything from her, in other words. I sent her a response along these lines.

One thing I mentioned to A yesterday, namely that I seemed to have stabilized emotionally since Wednesday last week, turns out to be completely wrong. It's now clear to me, also after my outburst of anger after reading the response of Cohen-Kettenis (what could they in heaven's name still be talking about if they were so set on discounting my opinion last week?), that that event literally pushed me off the edge of a cliff emotionally speaking.

A few days ago I scared NG a bit by asking him whether there were any sleeping pills or such in the house in amounts large enough to be used for suicide, since I felt afraid I might attempt such a thing considering my thoughts the night before. Fortunately no such things are available, but as I mentioned to A yesterday, if this situation were to last half a year longer without significant progress, I'd have stock-piled sleeping pills by then and killed myself.

For this reason I have decided to undo most of the emotional growth I've gone through the past years, to revert more or less back to the state I was in during early 2005, with some significant improvements. Nevertheless I feel that destroying most of my emotional side is a step I need to take to protect myself. I'm too terrified of what possible, harmful actions I might take otherwise if I don't do this.

Some people may have noticed already that I quit visiting Facebook. This was because I partially withdrew into myself again. I won't be visiting that site again, even after killing off my emotions, as it's a useless waste of time. Instead I'll be focusing on my work, work and more work.

Welcome to Purgatory~


Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Busy Busy Busy~

It's nearly 1 AM now, but I felt I had to provide some updates, just to show that a) I'm not dead, b) I'm not a mean person and c) I still like kittens. Don't ask me how writing this post proves the latter, though.

On Sunday I tried to finish this one project for my Norwegian friend, and failed. I also failed to complete it on Monday, but with a little help from my Canadian friend I managed to finish it this morning in the nick of time. Unless something goes really wrong, I'll get a nice amount of money from it early next month. I can't wait for it.

After finishing this work I didn't feel like doing anything today, so I spent the rest of the day mostly reading books and watching movies alone and with NG. I realized how tired I was from the stress and lack of sleep. I really need to be careful not to overburden myself.

Some progress today: Friend A is going to talk with someone who can possibly help me next Tuesday. Another friend Aa, in Australia, who also happens to be a medical student, also offered to help me a few days ago and today he sent me an update, telling me that he has some top medical people searching for some experts who might be interested in me. Absolutely wonderful.

Today I also mailed the update letter to the complaint commission, so that they're aware of the events last Wednesday as well. More positively I received the UPSs I had ordered at an online shop last Friday. It's nice to have clean, filtered backed-up power for one's critical systems :D

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I've got an appointment in the city in the morning, after which I'll go to city hall to get me registered in Almere, followed by some shopping. After lunch I'll get on my bike into town to get my data moved to my bank here, followed by some more shopping. Tons of fun.

Then, after dinner it'll be time for my second AD&D night, this time here at NG's house. I'm planning to wear one of the dresses I bought for this occasion. Seems like fun ;)

See you whackos tomorrow again~


Sunday, 24 February 2008

Catching Up...

So it seems like my ritual of daily blog updates has been rudely disrupted. I personally blame the fact that I've got more and more people around me to talk to, and also that these people keep me occupied until I feel too tired to write a blog post :P

After Wednesday things got quite tough for me. During a cuddling session on Thursday I burst out in tears and cried for a few hours. I felt so incredibly useless and defective and so on. I also still don't understand why I'm being treated so cruelly by those medical 'experts'. I really don't know anything.

Yesterday was a lot more positive, though. First there was the appointment with my new physician (GP). She was a much nicer person than my previous GP, and seemed genuinely willing to help me. I just have to get my file back from my old GP so that I can give it to her to allow her to orient herself on this issue. I feel quite confident that she can do something for me.

Then there's my friend A, the medical student, who dropped by yesterday night for a talk. He had already read some of my blog (since I put it as my MSN message), so he wasn't fully unprepared. He repeatedly expressed his willingness to help me via his contacts in the medical world. We talked until close to 2 AM, after which Mr NG and I dropped him off at his house.

Today A called me, to ask some more things, mostly about how far I was willing to go. During his research today he found out that my condition is very rare, which'd mean that the right physicians would be more than interested in me, which could result in a lot of attention. I answered that I would be okay with such attention. As long as the facts are presented in a correct manner, more attention is always better, if only to get more attention for the issue of intersexuality.

Also today NG and I went into the city for some things, like shopping, getting a haircut (first time for me since November 2006) and I got to arrange some things I still had to take care of. We did however not find a suitable bike yet. Tomorrow we'll search some more. I'll also need to work like crazy on this one project, as it's running behind schedule thanks to those wonderful past days. Ah well.

Good night, decent people~


Thursday, 21 February 2008

Sometimes You Just Want To Kill Them~

Sorry for not posting any updates the past few days. It seems I managed to wear myself out enough to only feel like sleeping. The moving went well, however. Monday I got picked up by Mr Nice Guy, to receive my stuff from the moving company 8 AM the next morning and spent the rest of the day unpacking boxes and arranging the room. Wednesday (today) Mr Nice Guy and I went to a DIY store to pick up some bolts and screws to replace the missing parts of my desk, which seem to have vanished somewhere during the moving. Ah well.

12 PM I left for the train station, to arrive in Amsterdam Zuid close to 1 PM, where I met up with this nice guy I had met via the internet years ago already. We ate a bit at a restaurant near the WTC and at around 2 PM we walked together to the VUMC hospital, where he wished me luck and after an embrace I went inside the hospital.

It was definitely strange to return to this place I had never thought I'd visit again after all of my bad experiences there. Ah well, this time things would be different. I mean, what could be the worst thing that could happen? They seemed to be taking my case serious now and acknowledgement of my 'issue' couldn't be far off now. After a bit of a wait I was finally invited inside by the endocrinologist, De Ronde.

My first impression after looking at this man can be summed up as 'Geez, a scruffy old guy. This can never be a good thing'. And how right I was. I really don't want to recall the details of this disgusting 'conversation', but in short this guy, despite not being trained to interpret MRI images (he even admitted so), thought that he couldn't see a vagina (the 'tube' part) on the MRI, and despite not seeing a prostate he assumed that because the outer male parts have developed 'normally' (I pointed out why this isn't the case), I had to have a prostate. He also told me that it was impossible for a person to have both male and female organs, despite there being millions of cases in which this is or was the case. For a person supposedly being specialized in intersexuality ( in Dutch), he knows absolutely nothing about this subject.

So basically he discounted the analysis made by the German clinic, saying that he couldn't see any of the things they saw, and that the MRI images looked normal to him. He didn't want to say that I'm male when I pushed him on this, but also didn't say that I am female. Also he says I'm not intersexual, which thus leaves me as undefined. This guy is full of shit.

After tens of minutes of this nonsense I got up in the midst of the 'conversation', picked up my jacket and bag and left the room after telling him that I was neither angry nor disappointed). On my way out of the hospital I took out a few plants and trash cans to relieve my frustration. Outside while walking to the train station I felt absolutely horrible, even self-destructive. I crossed a few roads without looking to see whether a car was coming, resulting in me nearly getting run over. When walking on the train platforms the thought to jump in front of a train crossed my mind a few times. I had to keep myself firmly in control to keep myself from bursting out in tears.

It was clear that my emotional side had pretty much completely collapsed at this inhumane treatment at the VUMC by this #$%$# piece of #$%$# %^$% who'd be better of #@#$@# @$#@$# at a @#$@#. Yes, I felt confused and angry at this treatment, which I could not match with common sense. For some reason it felt exactly the same as with the psychologists at the VUMC (and Zutphen) during 2005-2007. I managed to keep myself in check until I returned home and Mr NG came to greet me and ask how it went. At that point I couldn't hold myself back anymore and cried for many minutes while telling pieces of what had happened.

That was when Mr NG showed me again why he's such a great and caring person. He immediately suggested that I should make an appointment with a local physician and drove me to the health center to allow me to register (I'll have to get the registration forms back to them tomorrow morning) and an appointment was made for Friday. NG also said that he'll help me find a place where they will treat me with respect, even if it's in Belgium or Germany. Some of his friends might also be able to help.

I met a group of those friends today as well, with the weekly AD&D game night, which I returned from a few hours ago. It was really fun. These friends are definitely great people. I just hope that they won't change their position against me when they learn about my 'secret', though I doubt they would.

Anyway, I'm totally sick of the 'health care' here in the Netherlands. The VUMC gets my vote for the worst and most worthless 'hospital' in the entire galaxy. They've damaged me at least as much as the rape has, and I'm getting fucking tired of this everlasting pain. I've been crying so much today and questioning everything about me. Having been raised as a boy makes it really easy to see myself as a boy, of course. And without a fix for my IS condition I don't see how this'll change, period.

I just want to know what in the world I am, who I am and why so many people seem to be intent on destroying my life, or what's left of it. I'm so sick and tired of this all...


Sunday, 17 February 2008

So Long And Hello New Things~

Today I didn't do much more than work a bit and whine a lot about how sore my muscles are today (thanks to the exercise yesterday :P ), in addition to feeling very tired. I did manage to nearly finish the AD&D Player Handbook, though, in preparation for my first battles on Wednesday (following the battle in Amsterdam ;) ).

I'm not sure what else to write... just that the realization is dawning on me that when I go to bed in a few moments, it'll be the last time I'll be sleeping in this bed. In 24 hours I'll be in Almere, in my new room, sleeping in a completely different (though still very comfortable) bed. It's always strange how a place can grow on one, like the room I slept in in Norway (thanks for borrowing me your room, my dear Norwegian friend :D ), the basement room in my Canadian friend's house and now this guest room here in Zaandam.

It's of course still a good thing to be moving forward. I feel as though the future I want for myself is now slowly coming within reach. Just a few more months and things will be so much better than they are now. I hope that medically things will have moved forward by then as well.

The past weeks I've begun to feel more and more... nervous... tense about the appointment next Wednesday. I keep considering various scenarios, and the likelihood of them occurring. I just don't know. All the signs seem to be positive, but seeing as how I've only had 100% negative experiences in that place, it's hard for me to feel much confidence. I really, really hope that they can give me that confidence.

Tomorrow I'll be working a bit more on some projects, to then start packing everything so that I'll be ready for Mr Nice Guy to pick me up shortly after dinner. It's all extremely exciting and kind of unbelievable that this got arranged in just a few weeks time. Seriously cool. Now I just need to find a nice bicycle there to drive around and I'll be set ;)


Saturday, 16 February 2008


Well, paint me pink and call me Shirley, but I still can't seem to figure out what I did right yesterday after I wrote my blog, in which I complained loudly about how Moodle refused to install. When I reloaded the tab I had the install page on, suddenly the install script started working and I was able to install Moodle without any complications. It's a friggin' miracle. Now to fix things up tomorrow.

Yesterday I thought that I'd be home today at around 6-7 PM. As it turned out, it'd be closer to 7.30. Ah well. I also didn't count on being so completely tired and exhausted. As I'm writing this I'm pretty much falling asleep. Please excuse any lapses in sense-making.

As planned, I spent 2 hours (from 10.00 to 12.00) in the pool, in my new bikini (yes, I know I promised to show pics of it before :P ). It was a great sensation to be in the water again, after a 6-year gap. I spent a lot of time playing with the children of my aunts and uncles. It really was a lot of fun, and I didn't get any weird stares (I did get stares, but I'm not sure how weird they were).

Anyway, after the swimming we all went to the restaurant, where we had lots of pancakes, in a wide range of varieties. It was rather yummy, and I got to meet a lot of family members I hadn't seen in years. This was all great, except for my niece. I felt rather disappointed about her, since I had expected something much bigger from her. Right now she's pregnant with her second child, and is about to marry this year with a macho guy with the IQ of a fish. Not that she seems that intelligent now. Quite a shame.

I also met my father again after 2 years or so. He seemed rather timid at seeing me, but I simply moved towards him, said hi and kissed him on the cheeks. In the restaurant he also sat down next to me and we talked for a bit. I also went with my older brother and father to the latter's house (my old house) and chatted there a bit more. It was all relatively positive, which is a definite improvement from the previous situation.

I went to visit my mother and her friend F at the latter's bookshop, Bonte Boeken in Hoorn, which is a rather nice store, I must say. When I arrived there they both weren't in the shop, but had gone into town for some shopping, so I got the parcel from the woman managing the shop and stayed for a bit to chat. When it turned 5 PM (I had arrived past 4 PM), my mother and F returned from their shopping spree and we went upstairs (where F lives) to drink some tea. I got to chat with the daughter of F, who I hadn't seen in 3 years either. She seemed a bit distant at first, but slowly she warmed up to me, and was disappointed when I had to leave. I thought that was really nice :)

So yeah, all together I've renewed a lot of contacts, got my medicine, and got to wear a bikini in a public pool for the first time ever. Definitely a good day. Tomorrow I'll probably be working, and a bit on Monday as well. Monday I'll have to start packing, though, as Mr Nice Guy will pick me up between 8 and 9 PM to get me and all my belongings to his place. I must say that I feel really grateful to both him and these people here in Zaandam who have gracefully allowed me to stay in their house for around a month.

Nice people really do exist, even if they can be a bit hard to find sometimes~


Back To You, Jim~

Well, yesterday's post sure was an example of why I shouldn't drive while dru... er, blog while in emotional turmoil. Reading back, I almost want to slap myself in the face for being so icky and emotional and such. Good thing I'm against violence.

Today I attempted to install this CMS called Moodle for a client and ran almost immediately into a big issue. Accessing the install.php script of it after uploading the CMS's files resulted in a completely blank page. Doing some research, I found that I'm not alone in this issue, but a solution appears to be absent, although it seems to be related to Moodle being picky about PHP settings. This being a shared server, there's a chance of between negative and zero that they'll change the php.ini's settings just for me, especially with me not knowing exactly what the issue is. All I know is that it installed just fine on my laptop, with the latest versions of PHP and MySQL, while the older versions on the webhost are giving issues. My bet is on Moodle simply being poorly written code, with lots of ugly hacks to keep it from falling apart. The friggin' thing is 37 MB unzipped so I can see why they have lost control over it.


Anyway, I'm completely behind on piles of work, and tomorrow I won't have much time to work on it all, so I'll have to be really productive tomorrow when I return from the family gathering. Talking about which, I felt quite miserable earlier today when I realized that I hadn't heard anything yet about the parcel with medicine for my hormone treatment, which I had ordered about 3 weeks ago. Right when I had calmed down from a few emotional outbursts related to this, I got a text message from my mother (I had used her address) that the parcel had arrived. Yay. She'll also be coming to Hoorn tomorrow, just like me, to visit a friend. She'll be taking the parcel with her so that I can pick it up there.

Tomorrow I have to get up at 7.30 AM, the train departs at 8.53, swimming from 10.00 to 12.00, then eating pancakes for a few hours after that. 16.00 I'll pick up the parcel and talk a bit with my mother and friend, to then return home at around 17.00 and back to work ;)

It'll be the first time I'll be swimming in general in about 6 years and the first time ever in bikini. Wish me luck :D

I think my hair is about dry now... time to go to bed. See you all tomorrow :)


Thursday, 14 February 2008

It's Not That I Dislike You, I Just Want To Be Alone Right Now~

A Happy Valentine to all of you, I guess. I'm not really sure what the point of this day is, though, as I've never participated in its activities in any form or shape. I bet it can be pretty fun, though.

Today I finally solved the issues with the webserver on my laptop. After a manual reinstallation of PHP I finally got some error messages and then quickly found the solution: libmysql.dll needs to be moved from the PHP root folder to WINDOWS/system32 so that it's in the system path. Now it all works and I can finally move on with my work.

Talking about work, I got a new project, this one to be completed next week and involving modifying a Flash-based videoplayer by adding some features. It'll be quite a rush to cram it into my already busy schedule, but I'm sure I can pull it off.

I got the bill from the moving company today for their services. 1,800 Euro. I immediately paid so that they'll quickly give me back my stuff.

I'd talk more, but I'm feeling not very talkative right now. I just had a long talk with my Canadian friend mostly involving my rape and then about my recent 'adventures'. I just can't deal with how strongly he feels for me. When I tried to open myself to a relationship with him last year I nearly snapped from the emotional stress. I just don't want to have to care about any stupid relationships. Nobody said I ever need to get one, so get those horrible things away from me.

Yes, I recalled more things from the rape earlier and I cried a lot and then felt furious. This little flame of pure hatred is growing nice and strong now. Just a little longer and I'll no longer have to suffer under these thoughts and memories.

Goodnight, everyone.


Where Did Today Vanish Off To?

Seriously, despite waking up at 8 AM this morning and it being nearly midnight now, I feel as though I've done seriously close to nothing. Most noteworthy has to be the fact that I watched some speed runs of games (Fable and Zelda: Ocarina of Time), and did some more work on my own version of OoT's story. Yes, I love writing stories :)

I put together the fairy statue my friend bought me before I went back to the Netherlands. It's standing on my desk now, but will find a really pretty place on a shelf once I'm in my room in Almere. I really can't wait on Monday, it seriously seems like an eternity. I still feel strangely elated, however, with things finally appearing to have fallen into place and nothing big to arrange anymore. The prospect of being homeless really frightens me, I guess.

Today I also spent at least an hour on dressing myself up in the clothes and such I'll be wearing next Saturday, during the family gathering. I'm fairly sure most of the people there will have no idea what to expect to see, even if they've been informed about me already, so I intend to make sure this first impression after 10+ years is a favourable one :D

I haven't heard anything back from the moving company yet. I wish they'd confirm the date on which they'll give me back my things. I'll be so glad once that is all taken care of, not to mention that I'll finally know what the financial damage is for this joke. At least I won't have to pay much rent, so I won't go for Ultra-Broke (tm) just yet.

I also finally got a copy of the Dutch newspaper with the article about me, as published on December 29th, 2007. As I suspected no link to my blog was included, despite the assurance by the journalist girl that it'd be added. I asked her about this and also whether this'd be corrected in future publications. I think I'll get a response tomorrow. Things like this are just annoying.

Today I napped for about 3 hours and had dozens of small dreams, some of which took place in the house where I lived from when I was about 2 years old until I was 20. They were all 'airy' and generally carefree dreams, which is a good sign. The only thing I really could use more of these days is chocolate. Piles and piles of bars of pure chocolate. Yes, I'm a chocolate addict :P

Happy chocolate-filled dreams~


Tuesday, 12 February 2008

Sickeningly Productive~

Last night I went to bed at around 2 AM yet again, but for a very good reason. A conversation and cam session on MSN with a Norwegian friend which started about my epilated eyebrows devolved after a while into another crying and sniffling session from my side. I feel kind of bad for him, exposing him to more of whining me after 5 weeks of it in Norway :P

Anyway, I got up at around 8 AM and from there on the day is a bit of a blur. I remember talking to some people, feeling really tired yet still deciding to continue working on some things I had left lying around for a long time now. I also read over 80 pages of the AD&D handbook I got from Mr Nice Guy, so that I can participate in the gaming with his friends. I feel like writing an AD&D game now :P

Once I'm in Almere I have to find a place where they perform so-called Blend hair removal, which combines laser/IPL with electrolysis. It's the most effective method. Not exactly cheap, but I should get all my money back anyway. I'll be so happy if I get good news the 20th.

Other things to take care of in Almere: buying a bicycle, 'moving' myself to the local branch of my bank, getting my stuff back from the moving company and finding an apartment, the latter being more long-term, obviously. First I need to take care of everything financial so that I can rent something officially in the first place.

I finally wrote down the points I wish to discuss at the VUMC, as they're the things which bother me the most about my IS condition:
- living with multiple identities, with piles of problems because of it.
- An inability to feel truly female, with a virtually invisible (from the outside) and practically unusable vagina, in addition to facial hair growth and all the emotional issues which come with it.
- Health concerns. How my IS condition has already affected me and will affect me in the future if left untreated.

Central in this is also that I don't see the fact that I have a proto-penis as a major obstacle to living a normal life. Yes, it's not 'normal', but nothing can ever change the fact that I was born IS and hell, I am allowed to find it at least somewhat interesting and a part of who I am.

Sometimes you just have to be happy with the things which aren't a problem to begin with.


Monday, 11 February 2008

Sorry About That~

If one needed more proof that I use this blog just to whine and complain whenever I'm alone, just look at the updates the past weekend. Indeed, there were none :P Sorry about that ^_^

So Friday I got picked up by Mr Nice Guy. At his place we watched movies until it was nearly 4 AM, then passed out (well, I did at least). The next morning I was dragged out of bed by him because it was around 11 AM already, and we had to be at friend B's house by 12. At around 12.40 we finally arrived.

For me it was the first time to meet B in real life, and she and I definitely got along that day. She was painting shelves inside, while I sanded them down outside on the balcony until her friend (M) came home and took over my job. Later, after a refreshing shower, we (me, B, M and Mr Nice Guy) sat down at the dinner table to eat. A few hours later we'd go to the cinema, so after dinner the guys went to play by themselves, while B and I went to the bedroom for some girl stuff :P

In between some girl talk also involving lingerie and more, I had to go lie down on the bed to have my eyebrows epilated. Another first for me. It hurts quite a bit, but the result is more than worth it :D Also, guys are incapable of seeing the difference between epilated and non-epilated eyebrows. At least those are my experiences so far :P

The movie we watched in the cinema was pretty cool, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. At the more bloody points I had to bury my face in Mr Nice Guy's sweater, though. It was a tad too gruesome for my taste or something ^_^ Afterwards we went back to B & M's place to drop them off. B went to bed already since she had an application talk the next morning, so NG, M and I talked for a bit. We went to bed at close to 2.30 AM that night :P

The next morning (Sunday, in case you haven't been keeping track) I woke up close to noon again. I'd be dropped off later that afternoon in Zaandam again, but first we had a long talk. What follows is some really shocking and/or happy news to some ;)

Essentially, NG has a nice big house with enough space for me to stay there for a while. I also met some really nice friends last weekend, and there are yet many more I haven't met yet. In essence I have decided to move to Almere and find there my own place as soon as I can afford it (financially).

It feels really good to have made this decision. Last night I even had a really interesting dream. If you may remember, I talked about dreams I had before, involving school and me feeling trapped there. Well, in this most recent dream I also was in school, but this time I was free. I felt no obligations, no pressure. I was just looking around instead of being trapped in a class room and feeling threatened by everything and everyone. It seems as though I have changed quite a bit in the past few days. Simply amazing.

When I returned home on Sunday, I found there a letter from the VUMC. With fear and excitement fighting over the right to claim my heart, I opened and read it. To my great relief and joy it was a confirmation letter for the complaint letter I had sent to the VUMC's complaint commission before. They just wanted me to know that they had accepted the complaint and wanted me to sign a document granting them access to my personal files the VUMC has. This document I mailed back earlier today. Within three months from now this whole issue should be resolved.

I also contacted the moving company, to tell them they can return my stuff to the address in Almere. My schedule looks as follows now: this week I'll be working, then Saturday there's the family gathering, Sunday nothing, Monday the move to Almere, Tuesday the moving company and Wednesday the appointment at the VUMC. Nicely crammed after each other :P

Today I got dragged to Amsterdam to do some shopping on the market there. I got a nice pink bracelet. A short while ago I was sitting downstairs with the lady of the house, and got some more jewelry from her. Really pretty stars, turtles and dragonflies as well as chains :D

Wish me luck on this next step in my Journey of Life~ (oh, the drama!) *giggles*


Friday, 8 February 2008

Not Sure, Exactly...

Yesterday's post definitely got me a lot of comments, and also a lot of sympathy. I'm still not feeling one-hundred percent, but at least I have calmed down emotionally, albeit while feeling tired and somewhat out of it all day.

Last night I went to bed at around 11 PM, right after writing the blog post and while feeling too miserable to even cry, as well as bumping into everything while preparing for bed as though I had lost control of the finer motions of my body. Fortunately I was able to fall asleep quite quickly. Yet when I woke up, I still felt miserable and depressed, possibly more than before I went to bed. I also felt tired, yet with thoughts racing in my mind I felt too restless to sleep more.

When I said 'restless' I meant that at points I was just abusing the pillow out of frustration and pain. When I got out of bed, I started hitting the lower part of my tummy and especially the groin area repeatedly with a lot of force using my clenched fists, to then start crying in sheer misery. Since going back to bed was no option, I then sat down behind my notebook and fired up MSN again, which I had shut down yesterday night when I felt like pushing out the entire world.

I then noticed that it was only about 3.30 AM, meaning that I had had only about 4 hours of sleep. No wonder I felt tired. Unsure of what I was going to do to pass the time aside from watching some videos, suddenly a female friend contacted me on MSN. She had earlier posted a comment on my previous post and wanted to discuss it a bit more. My (male) friend also noticed that I was online and thus I ended up discussing yesterday's post in finer details with the two of them. I'm not sure exactly what was said or done, but I do remember that I cried a lot yet gradually grew calmer until I began to start nodding off on my chair.

At 6 AM I went back to bed and quickly fell asleep. Then around 11 AM I got a phonecall which woke me up. It was the friend from Almere who got worried about me since I didn't respond on MSN (stupid auto-away didn't work), had changed my MSN avatar to something less happy and didn't respond to multiple emails. On the phone I assured him that I was fine, yet really wanted to sleep some more :)

Unfortunately, if I'm awoken in such a fashion it's really hard for me to get back to sleep again, so before 12 PM I got out of bed, got dressed and had brunch. For some reason while trying to get back to sleep earlier I got this sudden brainwave on an artificial intelligence project I'm working on, and felt really motivated to work on it, so aside from watching some videos, that's what I've been spending my time on today.

I'm not sure when I'll be posting a new blog post tomorrow, as I'll be picked up from home at around 8.30 PM to spend the weekend in Almere, but I'll try to post every day :)

So long, all you funny little people~


Wednesday, 6 February 2008

My God, The Pain...

Today can be summed up as follows: visiting my grandparents to fix their PC (re-installation of Windows), and a talk with a friend resulting in me breaking down completely again.

The girl in question I was talking to didn't mean any harm, but the moment she happened to mention things she did with her boyfriend (use your imagination), I began to feel really... down and kind of sick. After she went to bed a short while ago, I suddenly broke down in tears and realized what bothered me about what she had said.

She can do something I can't. She can do something and talk about experiences which I can not experience and may never experience. If I'm supposed to be a girl, then what in the world is up with that, damnit?! Gawd, I can get so sad but mostly angry about this all.

I'm not complete. I'm a fragmented, broken remainder of what might once have become a human being, yet which has been hindered in its growth and as a result has withered and will never develop any further. Whatever happens in the future... I refuse to believe that things will ever turn out right. Nothing ever has. Right now I've got nothing but an empty life and infinite dreams which only depress me further. I'm forever stuck in this withered state.

Honestly, if I die in my sleep tonight, I'd be happy that I'm rid of this eternal pain inside my chest, ripping away pieces with clawed fingers, digging deep into every piece of exposed flesh and cruelly exposing it to limitless violence. Where once my heart had its place is now a throbbing mass of pain, doubt and darkness. I already ceased to exist on this planet many years ago and I'll never return.

Why am I still wrestling with this pain if I'm fighting a lost war? I don't know. I can't... or perhaps I don't really want to think about it, pushing the question to the back of my mind every time it reappears. Yet I know that at some point I won't be able to dodge this question anymore. At that moment I'll realize fully how I'm just clinging to an existence on this planet which has faded a long time ago and vanish forever.

I want to sleep forever...



First of all, I'm being incredibly naughty right now by staying up this late. It's past 1 AM already and I have to be up in around 6 hours. As usual I'll be hating myself in the morning :P

Today I woke up after yet another 10-hour sleeping marathon. Most of the day I then spent on trying to make a bloody webserver installation work (Apache, MySQL and PHP). No kind of database functionality seems to work in PHP right now, with scripts terminating at any database call without any kind of error message. I'll just have to wipe the thing and start over again, I guess. The automatic configuration of Apache by the PHP installer may be to blame as well. I don't know, but I'll do a manual install this time of PHP.

What I'm really looking forward to is something I discussed today with some friends in Almere. Next weekend we'll go to the cinema with the four of us. I'll also help the other girl in the group with painting inside her house earlier on Saturday. Yes, I know I'm being too nice :P I think I'll be a really fun weekend, though. And don't worry, this time I'll bring my laptop with me so that I can keep posting updates on my blog :D

So tomorrow my train departs just after 9 AM, and around 10 AM I'll be trying to fix their PC as well as the laptop of my brother. I've got a few hours for that before I have to return to be in time for the neighbour's girl who is dropping by early in the afternoon.

At least Thursday is still a blank spot in my agenda. Time to catch up on some work :D


Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Here We Go Again~

This day was in all ways astounding and perplexing. I also didn't get to eat breakfast, and had a really late lunch. At least I slept for around 10 hours. Not bad.

First thing was that I got called out of bed by my phone by a guy who wanted me to offer another room I could rent. Since it was too small, I declined. This had to be a good sign, I thought to myself. Then I turned on the screen of my laptop, and checked my email, to see that the woman of the place I was going to see tomorrow had sent me an email informing me that she wouldn't be in Enschede for a while and thus I wouldn't be able to see the place for a while. This means that a good candidate just fell off the list and that I fell back to square one.

Feeling somewhat down about this sudden news, I began to look for backup plans. Moving in with this friend in Almere I went out with during the weekend seemed like a good option, since he has a lot of space in his house and since he lives alone he wouldn't mind the company. At this point my mother called me and I informed her about this as well. She agreed that the Almere option was a good one and felt happy for me that I have such a good friend.

Then I got another phone call. Somewhat annoyed as I considered that it'd probably be yet another person trying to cram me and my entire company into a tiny room, I answered the call. To my surprise it was a girl who was looking at renting an apartment in Enschede and who was wondering whether I'd like to rent it together with her, so that'd we'd live there together. Of course I agreed and with some luck we'll find a nice apartment to rent soon.

So with Tuesday all open, I've decided to spend it working on some projects. Hopefully I can do a lot of work :) It's about darn time that I'd finish some projects, some of which have languished for years now. Ah well.

Another phone call I got was from the VUMC to inform me that my appointment with the endocrinologist had been moved to the 20th from the 13th, so that he could talk with me for 30 minutes instead of the regular 10 minutes. I was also asked to email the scan of the MRI analysis report. Apparently they do seem to be taking it seriously, though I'd wish they'd hurry now. I'm dying to know what they're planning to do with me, and how long it'll be until my surgery. Yes, I'm impatient :D

So tomorrow work, then a trip to my grandparents to help fix their and my brother's computer (the lazy git). On Saturday I'll probably go to the cinema again with the Almere friend as well as some of his friends. I'm really looking forward to it :)


Monday, 4 February 2008

Where Was I...

Sorry for not updating yesterday. Due to circumstances this wasn't feasible, as I'll explain in a moment. Rest assured that it wasn't because I dislike writing these posts, or dislike you, my dear reader. Those who know me better know quite well that I very much enjoy an audience to my writings. Anyway, moving on.

I haven't felt as I'm feeling today in a long, long time. I'm not sure what its origin is, but I do feel a certain kind of giddiness accompanied by doubt and upbeat optimism which both confuses and excites me. However, I do seem to be getting ahead of the story. My apologies for this.

Everything started yesterday, when a guy I know via the internet, and who lives relatively nearby invited me to go watch a movie at the cinema in his city, Almere. Since I trust this guy I accepted the invitation, got to pick a movie (I Am Legend) and was picked up by him in his car at around 4 PM. After dinner at his place (we picked up Chinese food on the way), we went to the cinema.

The movie was absolutely fantastic. I can really recommend this movie, I Am Legend, to anyone. It is one of the few Hollywood productions I've seen which aren't full of plot holes and palm-to-forehead moments. The scenes of the streets of New York City, in their abandoned and overgrown glory are absolutely breathtaking. It made me want to just walk there and enjoy the sunlight, plants and animals while listening to the sound of birds. This all contrasted with the dark regions of the city, where the sunlight never reaches. Simply beautiful.

So after the movie had ended, we went back to the guy's home. On our way back I had already decided that I'd prefer to stay the night at his place, instead of driving back in the dark. The guest room at his place is truly nice, with soft carpet, a soft and comfortable bed and not a single sound during the night. But before I went to bed (it was around 9 PM by then), we went to sit in the computer room for a while, where I could check my social sites and such and we also watched another movie (Spaceballs, a Star Wars parody), aside from talking a lot, mostly about my own issues.

At some points I already got quite emotional, like when he showed me a statue involving a mirror with a dragon wrapped around it. It was just like those statues the girl I had been with in Norway and who I still care a lot for adores. Just seeing the statue and remembering certain things made me shed a few tears. I think it was one of the reasons why I began to feel quite lonely and when he left for a short while to walk the dogs I just sat there, staring at the dragon statue.

When the guy returned, he asked me whether I was alright. I replied that I just felt so completely alone, after which he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. I returned his hug and we basically just sat there, hugging and talking and being together. The rest of the day we just sat there and watched movies and found comfort in each other's presence. The next morning we spent a while in my bed, just hugging and cuddling. After breakfast he drove me back to Zaandam, where I introduced him to the lady and master of the house. They too took a liking to him. A while after that the guy and I said our goodbyes.

How do I feel about this whole experience? Happy, because this guy is such a nice person and a gentleman who gave me so much attention when I needed it the most. Confused, because I don't know what I should think or feel about him. Tormented, because in a sense it's as though I betrayed my friend who is still in Canada. Sick, because it's this desire of me to feel love and physical intimacy which is causing me so many issues. I just don't know what to do next.

In other news, I got a whole pile of clothes, jeans and tops, from the neighbour's daughter, which she had left over. All of it fit me just fine, so I'm happy with a new set of clothes. I've tried them all on and pranced around in front of the mirror in my room. I must admit that I do look somewhat attractive.

Until the next drama-filled episode,


Saturday, 2 February 2008


Today I spent over five hours in trains, occupying myself mostly with nodding off. Last night I got around 5 hours of sleep, which explains why I felt incredibly tired on my way back from Enschede.

I also met my mother and my younger brother in Enschede, who I hadn't seen since December last year. It was nice to see them again, and my mother kept telling me how much better I looked than before I left for Canada. Thanks, mom :)

I checked out two rooms, one of which was suitable. I'll hear more about whether they've chosen me or not next week. Next week I've also got at least two more appointments scheduled, on Tuesday. Those are rooms closer to the center of Enschede. I really hope they're as nice as I think they are.

Anyway, it's bed time. See you all tomorrow.