Thursday, 31 January 2008


This morning I was up early, which didn't help me that much with my work as I spent most of the morning talking with the lady of the house. It was a nice talk, though, about a wide variety of subjects :)

It is now official: next Friday I'm going to see at least one room in Enschede, possibly more. I got some more offers today. I'll see what tomorrow brings and go from there. At any rate it seems that the issue is changing from 'finding any room' to 'choosing between rooms'. I must say that I prefer the latter by far ;)

Work... I talked for the first time directly with the Japanese translator guy today. He seems like a really nice, enthusiastic guy. I feel happy about this :) Today I further mostly spent on exploring the tools for producing 3D games. It seems more and more likely that somewhere in the next few months we'll be releasing our first 3D RPG. Of course, before that we'll be launching the new sites, so hang on tight ;)

The reinstall of Windows went quite well yesterday, with only some lost emails as a result. Nothing too shocking, though I'll now be looking at an IMAP server to act as a kind of backup for all my email. It could be used for the rest of the company as well, I guess. At the moment I'm looking at hMailServer ( ) to be used on a Windows server which I'll set up hopefully next week when I've got my new place.

I'm going to slave a bit more on NyanKana and the CMS of the new websites now. Speak to you people tomorrow again.


Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Exciting New Developments~

So yesterday night I had a nice business talk with my friend and as it turns out we can begin developing 3D games pretty much right now. I had honestly no idea he had done so much work on the game engine while I was occupied with myself. I feel like catching up with him in terms of work done now.

On the housing front some real progress. I got contacted by three people today, one of which had an interesting offer for a room, so I'll be traveling to Enschede this week to check it out. Another offer was interesting too, except that the room wouldn't be available until the first of March, which is, like, kind of impossible for me, as I really want to be done with the housing mess before I have to go to the VUMC on the 13th next month.

Today I also learned some more about where I'll be going to exactly on that day within the gender team. Apparently it's like a subdivision within the gender team which focuses completely on intersexual people without forcing them to be exposed to transsexuals. This is a welcome development. I still felt a bit weird while reading the article on the site, though. It seems that there's still a lot of emotional junk to deal with regarding my condition. At least I don't go into shock anymore whenever I read anything related to transsexuals.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll be arranging some things related to my trip to the other side of the country, but above all I'll be working on NyanKana. Now with some members in the testing teams (English and Japanese) and the translator (English to Japanese) standing by, I can't be slacking off right now :)

See you all tomorrow, you slackers~ :P


Tuesday, 29 January 2008


Today I encountered a series of contradicting forces. Everything started off right; I awoke around 7 AM, got dressed and had breakfast. Afterwards I sat down behind my laptop and prepared for the backing up of data and the re-installation of Windows on the darned thing. As I was working on the preparations whilst checking some news sites and blogs like I do every morning, I began to feel more and more tired, until around 10 AM I could barely keep my eyelids open. At that point I knew I had to sleep some more.

I woke up again around noon, feeling groggy and disoriented, but still hungry enough to eat lunch. I also got a phone call from the lady of the house informing me that she had made an appointment for me with a psychologist here in Zaandam, as previously discussed. When she told me how the psychologist lady had responded when my story was explained to her, especially about my previous troubles with psychologists, I knew that this was a different type of psychologist. I can't wait to see her tomorrow and talk for a while.

So in the end I didn't reinstall Windows today, meaning that my work on NyanKana and the new websites has slowed down again. I did however respond to a few advertisements for housing in Enschede. With some luck I'll get a positive response and be able to view the places for myself this or next week and move in shortly afterwards.

As you might have guessed, today I'm not very emotional, but still very occupied with the events of yesterday. It seems to have drained a lot of my strength, as I also noticed by the fact that my cold got a lot worse today. It's one of the reasons why I'm feeling so sleepy and out of things. At least I still haven't lost my desire to work on NyanKana and such like mad. I'll get to that tomorrow ASAP.

I'll be back tomorrow for more~


Monday, 28 January 2008

So Angry...

This morning was just unbelievable. After some suggestions that I should return to a normal sleeping schedule, I went to bed before 2 AM last night and woke up this morning before 8 AM. I actually felt quite refreshed and ready to do some serious work today. Perhaps even have breakfast at a breakfast-ish time. But alas, things would turn out quite differently.

While I'll keep some details a secret to protect the innocent, I can say that it all started when during a conversation on IRC this morning I happened to mention a gift I got from the 'friend' who met up with me in 2006. When the person I was talking to asked me some questions about that gift, I suddenly started feeling really... weird. It was like a depression, but with some other elements as well. I began to feel uneasy and left the online conversations and took up my usual spot on the bed, in front of the mirror again.

Sitting there, I began to explore these strange feelings and most of all questioned the abuse. First I fully blamed myself. I had invited him, I had said 'yes' to lots of things he'd want to try with me, I had asked him to get that gift for me. The first day when he arrived I had loved his presence. Leaning against him while I was playing a videogame felt really comforting. It was something I had always wanted to experience, something I had missed without realizing it.

Then I realized how he had acted. He hadn't asked me to strip, he took care of that himself. He didn't ask me to touch him, he commanded me. He didn't talk with me about how I was feeling or such, or what I'd want. He'd stimulate me with his fingers in a way which hurted so much. Yet I didn't say no. I didn't want him to leave. I had finally found someone who wanted to come this close to me, and didn't care that I wasn't a regular girl.

The next day during a walk in the forest he tried to strip me again when there was no one around. I felt so embarrassed, yet loved the attention. Then someone drove by on a bicycle, so I quickly stopped. He wanted to continue. That night he wanted to go even further. He already had asked me to pleasure him with my mouth the first night, and now he asked it again, or rather forced me to. I didn't feel like I could say no, so I tried.

That night was when he not only violated my body in many different ways, but also crushed my self-image, since throughout the experiences I felt that I couldn't perform sexually at all, that at most my body was some kind of object for others to make fun of. Thanks to him I not only hate and despise men from the deepest regions of my soul, but have I also lost virtually all respect for my own body. Realizing this, and the arrogant way in which he had treated me those days and nights finally allows me to hate him. Not that I don't put some of the blame on my own shoulders, of course. I was so stupid and foolish back then.

Clearly I still can not decide yet to fully hate him, so that at least I can move on and deal with the issues the abuse has caused, but this tiny bit of anger I'm feeling now is like a small flame I have to protect. It is my only way out of this mess.

I also realized that the other major thing which played at the time, the mental abuse by the psychologists of the gender team, had become merged with the feelings of the abuse, making it hard to differentiate the two. In both cases it was about a lack of respect, of not being seen as myself. Both caused me infinite amounts of pain and anguish.

*starts crying for a moment*

Anyway... so I sat there crying for a while on my bed until I pretty much felt exhausted, and decided to go back to bed just after 9 AM. When I woke up it was past 1 PM already, and my head felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to it. Emotionally I felt completely extinguished, because of which I managed to make a friend of mine hate me when I told her that her boyfriend didn't care whether she'd message him or not. Even now that I'm writing this I still don't really get why she was so upset about it. I don't like her boyfriend anyway, but she's completely fawning over him. Ah well, I don't care right now.

The thing is that today I was told for the first time what happened to me would be classified here in The Netherlands as rape instead of sexual abuse. Together with the many new memories and feelings of the rape I can recall again, it was devastating. For the first time I realize what has happened to me.

Yes, I'm crying again right now, together with feeling really angry. I want to kill all men in the world right now, that's how strong this anger is. My past experiences really have made it impossible for me to function emotionally, and I don't really see this change any time soon. This pain is just too deep to reach. Even when I try I can not see how far it goes, or what to do about it. All I know is that I'm in excruciating pain whenever I get confronted with certain things.

Now that I'm becoming more aware of this, however, I am now able to acknowledge that much of the behaviour I was displaying was typical of rape victims, like acting without respect for one's body and exposing oneself to rather questionable situations. Now that I've come this far I can say that there are many things I wouldn't do again, and others I'll never even think about. To me it has become clear that porn and prostitution are morally completely wrong and I'll never have a part of it. If I had the chance, I'd wipe this world clear of both.

I have finally found some respect for my own body, and I won't let it slip away again. I'll never become a whore. When I've had my surgery later this year and I'm finally more the woman I wish to become emotionally and physically, I won't be sleeping with random men. I'll be more picky and cold than one could ever imagine. I don't think that my run-in with this one guy will ever really change my views on guys in general. Yes, one guy can ruin a girl forever, and I'm hardly the only rape victim. Nearly all women come into contact with rape or sexual abuse at some point in their lives. Does this mean all men are scum? Perhaps not, but definitely most are.

Today I mailed the CD-ROM with the MRI images to the VUMC so that they'll receive it tomorrow. I've decided to get a place to live in Enschede next week no matter what. It'll only be for a few months or so anyway. I've actually managed to work today, and after a quick reinstall of Windows on my laptop I should be able to get back to it soon again.

Love me, hate me, care for me... just don't ignore me. I hate being alone.


Sunday, 27 January 2008

Full Time Slacker~

Today at one point when I was chatting with a girl about my age who was in a happy relationship I kind of snapped and fell straight into a depression. More long suppressed emotions and memories surfacing, as well as intense amounts of pain. This didn't subside until I had a real-life talk with the lady of the house. She also suggested that I might want to talk to a psychologist she knows well and trust. I have decided to take her up on this offer. This might be my first positive experience with a psychologist in my entire life.

I have also decided to focus completely on my work the coming days. I'll leave the searching for a place to stay to others, since it's not easy to find such a place myself, let alone know which places to avoid. I just need a place where I can stay a few months while I sort out the remaining financial issues so that I can rent a place the official way.

In terms of work there is enough to do. From the programming, art work and testing on NyanKana to a pile of my own and external projects. On which note, I'm currently looking for people who want to help test NyanKana, starting with the first Alpha build in a few weeks. Just contact me at maya [at] and I'll send you the application form. I won't promise that I'll accept everyone, but it can't hurt to try, right? ;)

In other news, I got my new bikini today, as well as a new dress :D Tomorrow I'll be holding a short photo session in which I'll take pictures of all the new pieces of clothing I've bought or received the past week :)

Until then,


Saturday, 26 January 2008


My apologies for the post yesterday. I'd like to emphasize that normally I don't think like that, and that 99.99% of the time I'm a 100% positive person. There is a lot of progress in my life, and I'm not ugly, at most I'm just a plain-looking girl.

Yesterday I had to do some shopping. I had to pick up some prescription drugs and they asked me to present my health insurance card. First thing the woman behind the counter told me was "Is this your card? This is a card for a man, you should bring your own card." After telling the woman behind the counter that "It is a long story.", I finally got my drugs. Fun times.

This morning my grandmother called me to invite me for a family gathering on the 16th of February. Fun part is that it starts off with a few hours of swimming at an indoor pool. I haven't been in a pool since my last year of High School, which is like 6-7 years ago. For obvious reasons I've felt awkward about it the past few years, but no longer. Last year I already got a bikini, and since it is still in a box with the moving company, and also because I love shopping, I decided to get a new bikini.

It took me a few hours of browsing online shops, but finally I found a nice one and ordered it. It'll be delivered tomorrow. I can't wait to try it on. I've scheduled a photo session tomorrow with my digicam during which I'll take pictures of the new clothes I bought last Sunday, as well as the bikini. If you people are nice I may actually show them too ;)

A few hours ago I ordered new medicines for the hormone treatment because the old supply was running low. Just a month remaining on the remainder of the last legal medicine I got prescribed while in Norway. The simple fact that that doctor in Norway prescribed me those medicines (even though I had to pay for the consultation and part of the costs of the medicines), has made me appreciate Norway a lot, which is another reason why I want to return one day. Let's hope that the doctors here in The Netherlands can be just as nice now that I can smack them around with the MRI results.

I didn't get to mail the envelope for the VUMC containing the CD-ROM with the MRI images as well as a personal, hand-written (first time I've done that in years) letter. Tomorrow the weekend starts so it's okay, I guess. I kind of wish I had mailed it yesterday already. Ah well.

I'm still working on the new personal site, I hope to turn it into not only a site paying attention to my personal issues, but also a kind of portal for anything IS, in a positive manner. I'd then also register it as an organization, because in my experience the current organizations for IS people are practically non-existent, too small and volunteer-driven. Hence the complete lack of awareness about IS. I feel that it's my duty to prevent anyone else like me and other IS people to ever end up in the wrong place, because I know how horrible it is to be in that situation.

Well, it's 5 AM now. Bed time. Tomorrow a busy day. I'm so going to hate myself in the morning for staying up so late :P


Friday, 25 January 2008

Damn it...

I wanted to write an upbeat post today, but right now I feel like pouring gasoline over myself while lighting it with a match whilst pouring acid over my face and slicing every single millimeter of my skin with a knife. Yes, I know that sounds really horrific. Welcome to my depressions.

Why do I feel like that? Because I just realized that I'm not pretty at all. I'm a hideous, disfigured figure, with no clear identity or purpose. I'm a meaningless organism which can only pretend to belong in this world. I'm not even sure I'm human. I clearly failed to be a guy, and now I'm failing hard to be a girl. I'm some twisted experiment gone wrong and I'll never find a place in this world where I won't feel awkward and misplaced. Anything that is considered 'human', from experiencing emotions to establishing relations, to friendship and sexuality are all out of reach. I can only fake those things.

I'm not sure what I want... the emotions from others no longer reach me, and I feel that... I don't know. My mind is a complete blank. I've cried so much today. I realized that what I fear most is that my IS condition may be harmful to me in the long-term, or perhaps it already is. Perhaps the hormones I'm taking has kick started or accelerated something harmful. I still get upset when I hear people talk about pregnancies and such. I wish they'd all just vanish. On porn sites there's no place for people like me, since no category exists for IS. Society doesn't even acknowledge IS people there. It's all just so bloody screwed up.

I've finally got an appointment with the endocrinologist of the gender team in Amsterdam. February the 13th. 3 weeks from now. They want me to send them the CD with MRI images right now. I'll do so tomorrow. I should focus on getting a place to live in really soon now, for which I should use those 3 weeks.

I so hate transsexuals. I want everything to be normal and happy. I want this nightmare, this pain to end. I'm so sick of it all.

Your eternally depressed freak,


Thursday, 24 January 2008


While preparing to write today's blog post, I was feeling rather depressed, leading to an emotional outburst, like I've seldom had before. Crying and crying slowly changing into full rage, fading into more crying after the peak had been reached. I know very well what the cause of this outburst is.

Now that the confrontation with the gender team is coming closer, a lot of feelings I had buried long ago have re-emerged, and are making it clear that they won't let me handle things in Amsterdam without first confronting those feelings. The central theme? The pain those... of and bastards caused me during those two and half years that they've mentally tortured me, followed by a year of silent suffering until the moment I got that MRI. All those memories and emotions I've suppressed for so long are now coming back and it's putting an enormous strain on me.

So now I'm waiting until the gender team contacts me for an appointment with their endocrinologist. I have no idea how long this is going to take, and I think that the wait is one of the factors for my emotional outburst earlier, as well as the uncertainty over whether they're actually going to help me this time. I can't help but be skeptical. Once bitten, twice shy as they say.

In the end I think that I'll be contacting my health insurer to get me to Belgium, for a variety of reasons. The health care there is better, faster and it won't have the emotional burden which comes with visiting the VUMC. At any rate I'll be extremely cautious about anything those people at the gender team want to do with me, or not do.

I'm feeling extremely tired right now and still on the verge of crying. I guess I'll go to bed now since it's getting late. Good night.


Wednesday, 23 January 2008


Things went a tad differently from what I had anticipated yesterday, but in a positive way. First of all I woke up at around 7 this morning, which'd mean about 3 hours of sleep, so after spending a bit of time behind my notebook I went back to bed and slept past 1 PM. I guess I needed the sleep or something :)

On the housing front it looks like I've got someone to live together with me, if only in name, namely my younger brother, who studies in Enschede. Tomorrow I should get a call from the housing renting place for an intake talk. If they accept this arrangement, then I might have a place as early as next week.

In the legal case against the gender team some progress has been made as well. With the mail today the original MRI analysis report my mother had sent yesterday arrived, and a copy was made of it and added to the complaint letter. The thus assembled package was then mailed off. It feels rather good to finally have passed on this matter to someone else for a little while.

A PDF version of the MRI report was also mailed to my physician, at her own request. As a result she immediately contacted the gender team at the VUMC, who I have to call tomorrow to make an appointment with one of their endocrinologists, who specializes in intersexuality. I hope the appointment will be soon.

In a sense it's ironic that I end up again at the gender team, the same place I left nearly a year ago to start things for myself. Of course, it's also a quite delicate balance I have to deal with, due to the legal procedure which will start tomorrow when the complaint commission of the VUMC will receive my complaint. I must be careful to not do or say anything which might jeopardize the result of the investigation. Yet I must ensure that I receive the attention and care I deserve.

At any rate it'll be a somewhat surreal experience to visit the VUMC again. When I last left that place in February of 2007, I had just had the last laborous 'conversation' (monologue) with a psychologist, followed by false accusations and FUD (Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt) from their side, as well as me canceling all outstanding appointments and leaving the hospital. At that time I felt so great like I had never felt before. It felt as though it was the first time I had taken such an important decision in my own favour, instead of waiting for others to help me.

It doesn't feel like I've ended up full-circle. I'm no longer the person I was when I left that hospital, I've got physical proof that I was correct about my own body for all that time and that all those psychologists were delusional instead of me, and I've got more people backing me than ever before.

Who knows, in half a year or so this whole thing may seem like a bad dream.


Tuesday, 22 January 2008

And On Today's Episode...

No, today no stories about random guys falling in love with me and nearly assaulting me in public places. Instead I've got some really boring tales again about my continuing struggles in life. Don't you all feel lucky? :D

Hmm... where to start. This morning I started to seriously hunt for houses. From one place I had contacted I got a response back that they were not looking for any more single-, but only multi-person applications. Unfortunately I know of no one who might want to live together with me, so that's quite unlikely. I haven't heard anything back from the other place I submitted my application to.

What does seem to help is the advertisement I placed on Hyves. Got a few responses on that already. One woman offered me a place in Arnhem, which is not that close to Enschede, so I'm not sure, but it might serve as a temporary spot until I get a more steady income, at which point I could opt for regular places for rent.

Another option is to stay in a student house, an option which has a number of benefits. First of all it's rather cheap, secondly it can be fun to stay with others, thirdly I'm assured of internet ;) Naturally I have to share everything except what's in my (single) room, but if I get to stay in a clean place with nice people (girls?), this shouldn't be a big issue, and I don't mind exploring my social side a bit more.

Of course, it's not all roses and sunshine at this point. There are still things like the people who own the place not liking me for not applying under my official name since I refuse to use anything but my real name unless I'm forced to (like when traveling by plane). This may lead to them asking the reason behind it, and with a wide variety of possible responses from their side. I'll see.

My mother sent me the original analysis report from the German clinic today by mail, so I'll receive it tomorrow. I'll be sending my physician a scanned copy of it, together with the request to refer me to a certain doctor in the VUMC in Amsterdam, with whom I'll be making an appointment tomorrow for a consult. My physician still refuses to prescribe me the medicines for the hormone treatment since she doesn't see why it'd be necessary I take them or so (no indication from a doctor), which means that in a few days I'll be ordering them online again. Hopefully for the last time.

Tomorrow I'll also be sending a copy of the analysis report with the complaint letter to the complaint commission of the VUMC. Within two weeks I should then receive a reply from them back, followed by a conclusion in around three months. I'll be so happy once I get a positive response back from them so that I can finally put this all behind me and focus on the road which lies ahead of me.

A lot happened today, and even more will happen tomorrow. Now it's time for sleep in my big, old queen-sized bed. Speak you all tomorrow.


Monday, 21 January 2008

More New Experiences~

So today I went shopping together with the woman at whose house I'm staying at. This market is located in Beverwijk, and has a lot of (middle) eastern shops. It was a very interesting experience. First of all it has like thousands of small shops, with a wide variety of things to buy, though also a fair amount of junk, such as cheap watches and jewelry, as well as batteries with a 'best before' date of 2004.

Anyway, we were looking for a few items, including a dress for me. It'd be my first proper dress I'd own, so a pretty special event. Ultimately I bought a really pretty top and a pretty party dress, both in black :D I'll try to take pictures of them tomorrow and post them on my Facebook profile.

Naturally, it's impossible for me to have a regular shopping trip. In the first place the general theme the shops (aside from those in china town) seemed to broadcast was that guys should be dressed all fancy and sometimes in leather, while women just have to be pretty and dressed in lingerie. It was extremely hard to find any proper shops selling women's clothes, with only about 2-3 shops selling some decent clothes.

Then at the shop where I bought my clothes, there was this young couple, with a really annoying guy. The girl was going to fit a dress and the guy proclaimed loudly that she should take everything off, because he had seen everything anyway. I'd seriously have smacked my friend in the face if he had the nerve to say something so rude and insensitive, but she didn't seem to really respond, although I refuse to believe that any woman would appreciate such a comment.

Finally there was the shopkeeper. From the very moment that I started fitting some tops and dresses, he was all over me, telling me how pretty and nice I was, and how he wanted me to give his phone number, and then asked for mine. He couldn't stop touching me, like when I was fitting the top I later bought, he'd ask me whether I was doing fine, then popped his head inside the fitting room and showed me where the zipper of the top was so that I could put it on. After he handed me back the piece of clothing, he touched my bare shoulder and told me how pretty and attractive I was.

From that moment on he'd be touching my waist and such a lot whenever I was in the shop looking at how the dresses and such looked on me and one time he handed me a dress while I was in the fitting room and pretty much entered it as well, then pushed me against the back wall and moved closer to me, before trying to kiss me. I dodged his attempt.

I must say it was a pretty exciting experience. First of all it was my first time that I was getting hit on in such a fashion, which also explains why I didn't know exactly how to respond, and secondly I knew nothing bad could happen since my companion was still in the shop and she wouldn't lose sight of me. Yet the guy wouldn't even stop when I told him I already had a friend, and even asked my companion some details about me while I was in the fitting room.

In the end, however, nothing happened and the guy even gave me a reduction on the price, possibly in the hope that I'd give him my phone number after all, which I didn't. I felt somewhat sorry for him for a moment, since he'd so tried his best without giving him anything. But well, he wasn't my type, I already have a friend and I'm not even sure whether he really had fallen in love with me or not. I'm keeping the card with his phone number on it as a souvenir.

In other news, I talked with my mother for a bit and told her to get the CD with MRI scan images and the analysis report to my physician, which she said she would. I forgot to mention that it's kind of urgent, so I guess I'll have to call her again tomorrow morning.

I'm not sure what's going to happen tomorrow. There was the idea to go to Amsterdam for another market, but I don't really feel like it, and there are so many other things to do. Stay tuned.


Sunday, 20 January 2008

More Sleeping~

So yeah, today I slept away most of the day again. I love jetlags. I did almost no work today and aside from a long conversation with the woman I'm staying with, not much happened.

Today I did notice that there are some things and people in my life whose existence makes me feel horrible, but that I can fight off those feelings and stop caring about those things. I still should return to Norway after I've had my surgery and dealt with the effects of that to finish some remaining issues there, mostly to talk to a certain person whose existence for some reason seems to dominate my thoughts to the point that I wish I had never met her. Certainly not healthy.

Anyway, a little while ago my friend got a reply from a North American society for intersexual people to an earlier email in which he explained my situation. The response mentioned that a Dutch colleague had been contacted who might be able to provide me with guidance and that we'd receive an update as soon as she responded.

The email also mentioned that I should look for a reproductive endocrinologist for a consultation. I'll have to get my physician to refer me to such a person. Joy. Tomorrow I'll probably call my mother to inform her that the proof my physician is looking for is in her possession and that she might want to make an appointment with my physician (also her own physician). Once my physician sees the evidence, I hope she'll refer me and prescribe those medicines. Else it's time to find another physician.

Tomorrow I'll probably go shopping at the market unless the weather is awful again. I'll let you people know.


Saturday, 19 January 2008

So Yeah...

First of all, I apologize for my post yesterday. I must have gotten pretty upset after I got the karyotype results, not just because of it but mainly because of so many things connected to it. I had intended to write a follow-up post yesterday, but I had to go to bed already since I had to get up at 6 AM, since the complaint letter I had written that night had to be checked and mailed off the next day, before the woman I'm staying with had to leave for her work.

So this morning she woke me up just after 6 and checked my letter. She thought it was too long and emotional, so I had to correct it first and mail it off tomorrow. Ah well, it's the weekend anyway. As long as they receive it on Monday it's fine.

It's hard to believe that it has been just two days since I arrived here from Canada. It feels as though I've been here for weeks already, which was one reason why I got so upset about not everything working out immediately yet. At this point I'm still only in the initial phase of arranging things. I sent my physician an email yesterday informing her that my mother has the information (CD with MRI images and the analysis report) she wants. She didn't respond yet today, however. I see it as the last chance on helping me which I'm giving her. If the proof of my IS condition isn't enough to make her prescribe medicine and refer me to a specialist, I'll just find another physician who does want to help me.

I'm also still working on finding a place to stay in Enschede. So far I've asked my younger brother and some friends in that city to look out for something, and put myself on the candidate list for two places which rent out apartments, houses and more. If they call me I know I've got something. Else I'm in trouble, because I can't stay here where I am now, nor do I want that.

I think this is what they call being caught between a rock and a hard place. Lovely.


Thursday, 17 January 2008

I Just Want To Know...

So yes, I did arrive safely back in The Netherlands. In the end I stayed awake for around 35 hours, not counting the many small naps I had. I'm now staying in Zaandam, and am still looking for my own place.

Today sent an email to my physician, asking whether she'd prescribe me those medicines for the hormone therapy now, and also whether she could refer me to a specialist who could provide the surgery. After I had sent that email, I went to my appointment for IPL treatment.

The lady who helped me with the IPL was really nice, and asked me a lot of questions. She might even read this post tomorrow, so I'll better make sure I don't put in anything too detailed, right? ;)

After I returned from the IPL, I saw that I had received a reply to my email to my physician. She still refuses to prescribe those medicines, because she says she doesn't know what to look out for. Back to my illegal drugs, I guess :(

She also told me that she wouldn't refer me until she had seen those MRI results. I referred her to the German clinic where the scan had been performed. And finally she told me the results of the karyotype test. As it turns out, I (well, my blood at least) is 46 XY, which is the normal genotype for a male. What this means is that I'm probably a chimera, though a lot more tests will be required to determine this. I don't know when or whether I'll even get those tests.

At this stage I'm feeling like giving up. I can't do this alone. I need so much help right now. I'm a complete emotional wreck at the moment. I can't stop crying and feeling miserable. It's as though I'm back at the time before the MRI scan. The voice telling me to commit suicide is back in full force. I really don't think that this is heading in the right direction :(

Apparently my physician still refuses to properly help me, the people who do care about me can only do so much, and I'm back to living with far too many doubts. For once I'd like to know 100% of what's going on with my body. I don't believe it's a male body, I absolutely do not. Yet clearly it's not a regular female body either. With the XY result I'll never be a normal female, that door has just been closed on me. I am a regular freak, a sick joke of nature.

Just give me my overdose of sleeping pills and I'll call it quits.


Tuesday, 15 January 2008

So Long, Canada~

Today was yet another productive day. My friend and I managed to pretty much complete the project we were working on with only testing and some minor debugging remaining. Tomorrow we won't be able to work much on it, though.

Tomorrow morning I'll be packing my bags and suitcase, to depart for Toronto shortly after dinner. I'll also try to catch some extra sleep before dinner, because during the trip I won't be able to sleep at all on the airplane (judging by my previous experience) and I'm not quite capable of staying awake for nearly 30 hours like the last time.

It's nearly 3 AM right now, as my friend and I have spent a few hours talking earlier, about a lot of things. He understands and accepts that I have to go back, but he feels disappointed, obviously, since he was looking really forward to me coming here, and he had to arrange quite a few things. I told him that I still feel bad about my sudden change of heart, to which he responded that he isn't angry with me or anything. We're both happy that we spent the past week at least together.

Well, off I go to try to catch as much sleep as possible. Wish me luck ;)


Monday, 14 January 2008

Spending My Last Days~

Today was a really interesting day in many respects. First of all I woke up in time (8 AM) and shortly after breakfast my friend and I started work on porting this one application. This was the first time my friend and I have worked together on a project in the same room. It was a very stimulating experience, in that it showed how much more efficient people can be when they're working on the same thing in real life, instead of remotely in different timezones. There's far more a feeling of being focused and especially co-operation.

So anyway, just a few more days and this porting project will be finished and I'll be a little bit richer. I hope I can get more of such nice little projects again. Talking about days... tomorrow will be my last full day here in Canada. Now that the date of my departure is rapidly approaching with me having stayed in my friend's house since I left the apartment, I'm becoming less negative about Canada, though I'm still very much looking forward to getting things set up in The Netherlands.

And talking about setting things up... it somewhat feels as though I'm going to battle, in the sense that I have to find my own place, become financially independent, settle the complaint with the Gender Team in Amsterdam, and find a place in The Netherlands where I can get started on getting that surgery.

My friend and I talked about the latter a bit today. What I told him was basically that I felt that because of the issues I'm still dealing with I'm simply not capable of and ready for any kind of serious relationship and also that I still don't feel very comfortable with guys in general, that my body seems to respond very ambigiously to them touching (hugging and such) me. This while I know of no such issues when it comes to girls. My friend told me that he had also noticed this.

Lots of things seem to fall in place lately, yet I'm still dealing with one particular issue which is also related to the surgery, namely the hormone therapy and the associated pills. I'll run out of them again in just over a month, so I'll soon have to order online again since it takes a few weeks before the delivery arrives. However, if I could get a physician to prescribe them in The Netherlands I could have them the very same day. With the MRI results in hand it definitely feels like I've got a good chance now, though I'll have to move fast once I arrive in The Netherlands to figure out what my chances are.

Anyway, it's time for bed now. Tomorrow lots more work to do. See you then,


Sunday, 13 January 2008

Business Things~

Today I woke up late again just like yesterday at around 10 AM. Going to bed at close to 2 AM doesn't help I guess :P I seem to be napping a lot lately, though.

This day wasn't all wasted on gaming for a change. I got the framework for NyanKana finished, and I also got confirmation that I got a nice little project involving porting some code from one language to another.

I also might have found a place to live. Via a site which rents out places which are waiting to be renovated or demolished, or sometimes the owners of it just have a hard time finding someone to rent it for the regular price, I got the option of living in a number of Dutch cities. I think I may just end up living in Enschede :)

Today was also filled with more emotional things about my sexuality. My friend and I talked a lot about it, with me once more expressing my discomfort with my current situation, my desire to get the surgery and the many unknowns surrounding the latter.

Sometimes I wish I had never met the girlfriend of the friend I stayed at in Norway. She's so similar to me in many respects, and her life (in my eyes) so screwed up that I feel like it personally matters to me. She has basically become the focal point of everything which is wrong and has to be fixed, also in myself. I don't think she realizes this, and if she does, she either doesn't or can't care. Yes, it's somewhat of an obsession to me :(

I feel that because of it I have to learn Norwegian and visit her again this year, just so that I can wrap things up. I hope that I can do this after I've had my surgery, as it'd definitely cause some huge emotional landslides for me.

Anyway, it's bed time for me. It's nearly 2 AM already :(


Saturday, 12 January 2008


Today my friend and I went to do some shopping. He bought me some bracelets, a keyring with my sign (Virgo) and a small statue of an elf :) I've never had this much jewelry before :D

We had an intense brainstorming session on how to implement part of NyanKana today as well, which was very productive. Tomorrow I'll be working as much as possible to implement it.

And yes, we did more gaming today. We finished about half of Zelda Twilight Princess so far~

I hope to have more to talk about tomorrow,


Friday, 11 January 2008

More Gaming~

Not too much happened today. My friend and I mostly did some gaming, mostly Zelda, but also some Final Fantasy XI. I notice that I'm not really in the mood to do gaming myself, though. I mostly enjoy watching at the moment.

I'm still communicating with the 'MRI woman'. Her husband is fine with me staying at their house for a few days as well, though I really should get started on finding a place to stay beyond that. Tomorrow I'll probably be contacting the first places, though she mentioned some places she had contacted before. I think I should hear more about that first.

Another thing she mentioned was the option to have the surgery performed in The Netherlands. Supposedly the waiting times for certain procedures have decreased recently, making it more feasible. At any rate it'll mean that even if I can get the surgery in The Netherlands, but will have to wait a few months for it, I can be referred to another hospital (like in Belgium) via my insurance company, meaning that the whole procedure will be paid for by them no matter what. I really think that this way makes the most sense considering that I'm not that rich.

In other news, I had pocky today for the first time. If you haven't had it yet, or don't know what it is, try to get some quickly. It really is a great snack~


Thursday, 10 January 2008

Old And New...

Today I was able to do some work again, although my friend and I ended up playing Zelda Twilight Princess for most of the day. Right now I'm feeling quite tired. The past few days I went to bed long after midnight and I'm noticing it. I really should go to bed soon.

Tomorrow I really should start looking for a place to stay in The Netherlands. I got some references from the woman who helped me get the MRI scan before. I've been relying on her a lot the past few days, even for things like making appointments for IPL hair removal and such. I hope she doesn't feel like I'm using her :(

*dozes off for a moment*

Hmm... sorry about that. I guess I'm just not feeling very energetic at the moment. There are still so many things I have to do and arrange. The surgeon in Belgium I can only contact by phone it appears from the website, which I can't do just yet, and I'd feel bad asking the woman who has been helping me so much already to do it. Ah well...

With all those new things going on it's kind of nostalgic to be playing a Zelda game again. Together with my younger brother we've spent so much time in the past playing those games, with mostly me watching him play, but still :) I can honestly say that sitting there next to my brother, watching him work his way through those games were some of the happiest moments in my life. I guess that's where I inherited my love for games from: as a means to bring people together in ways otherwise hard to imagine.

*wipes away a tear*

I guess I'll go to bed now before I become all emotional and such. See you game-loving freaks tomorrow~


Tuesday, 8 January 2008

Moving Quickly...

Just a few short notes before I leave for the city: yesterday my friend came to the apartment and I informed him about my thoughts. He took it quite well, although he was of course feeling disappointed. We then took some of my things and left for his house, where I'm currently staying. Today we'll be taking the last things out of the apartment.

We'll also be visiting a beauty clinic today, to see if they can do some hair removal before I leave for The Netherlands so that I won't have to rush there. I hope it goes well.

Further my friend and I are trying to have a good time this last week, with playing lots of games and other activities together. It's fun so far :)

Talk to you soon,


Sunday, 6 January 2008

Welcome To Square One~

After I wrote yesterday's post the thing which I mentioned I was afraid of happened. With neighbours being really noisy (party with loud music downstairs, some people walking around for hours upstairs), even at 11 PM, I decided to just skip sleeping then. After watching a few anime episodes I began to feel quite tired, however, so I dragged the makeshift bed I'm using into the living room, where the sound of the outrageously fridge should muffle some of the noises. As the fridge would actually turn off once in a while (despite a leaky seal on the freezer section) and the sound of the working fridge being darn annoying in itself, I couldn't sleep at all. After trying to sleep for a while I decided to get up and go outside.

I had a nice walk for a few hours in the cold, foggy weather. When I returned back at the apartment it was already close to 4 AM. The neighbours seemed to have shut up by then and I could finally get some sleep. 4 hours of sleep, that is. Naturally I'm feeling quite tired today.

So essentially what happened was that I kind of snapped emotionally. I had been suppressing everything which I didn't like about the past weeks and now it was all coming out. Today I cried a lot as well. Yet basically I seem to have made up my mind. I want to go home. Back to The Netherlands. Here in Canada there is nothing aside from my friend. Back at home I've got lots of people I know and who care about me, as well as some things I definitely have to deal with. There is the complaint procedure against the Gender Team in Amsterdam, which I intend to get lots of money from which I can then use to pay for the surgery in Belgium. I'll be contacting the surgeon at the hospital in Gent soon.

I feel happy with this choice. Clearly going to Canada wasn't the right choice, yet with all the meeting people and learning things happening like two weeks before I left for Canada, I was too confused to make a rational decision. Yes, I really wanted to meet my friend, but I have to think about myself first, and that's where I went wrong.

I can say for sure that I have never been upset as today. Never before have I cried like this, or felt completely agitated and restless to the point where I felt like I'd start feeling sick and throw up or so. I have actually ripped off some closet doors and other parts which were already broken. This place really is a dump, but at least I get to use parts of it to deal with my frustration and agitation :P

Talking about my friend... he said he'd drop by today, but I got a text message on my phone earlier telling me that he couldn't come because of the dense fog and that he'd come tomorrow. He also asked me to reply if I got the message, but well... my phone seems to have run out of prepay funds after the few calls and such from home :( I hope he doesn't get too upset.

*kicks expensive international calls*

I'm kind of afraid of tomorrow. Not only do I have to inform my friend of my plans (after he has funded pretty much my complete stay here), but I also have to get my things back from the moving company and I fear that they might still charge me the full amount, despite the aborted moving :(

What I need in The Netherlands in order of importance: a place to stay (mother/family/apartment?), money, internet and means of transport (to Belgium and such), preferably a car. The thought of traveling to Belgium by train doesn't really appeal to me, though I have never traveled to Gent before. If only I could check it online... Yup, still no internet here :(

I'll definitely have to nag my friend to take me to his place if I still don't have internet tomorrow, so that I can at least take care of some things, as well as finally post this pile of blog posts. I just hope my friend isn't too angry or disappointed with me :(

*sniffles a bit*

Yes, I'm a wreck, thanks for telling me (;_;)

The only thing I'm wishing for is that tomorrow will go fine and the arrangements for my return go smoothly. If everything goes right I'll be returning to The Netherlands on the 15th of January. Yes I didn't cancel the return ticket yet, thank the Heavens.

I'll be working and stuff a bit more before I go to bed, I guess. It's 9 PM and I still haven't had dinner, but I'm not hungry, so it's okay (^_^)v

Until the next tear-filled update, my dear readers (if there are any of you left by now (-_-); ).


Saturday, 5 January 2008

Just Working~

Today still no internet. This is getting quite annoying. When we were at the Bell shop on Thursday they said that it'd take 5 business days to get the internet working instead of the usual two days because they had to deal with the new phone line first. The phone line (dry loop) has been active at least since Thursday, however. I have no idea what in the world they're doing over there. At this rate I won't have internet until Tuesday. How annoying.

Last night I slept a lot better. No more severe back pain and such, which is quite welcome. I felt nauseous again this morning, though. I have no idea why, but it seems to happy quite regularly now. I also sleep a lot more. I go to bed around 9 PM and wake up around 9 AM. Today I took a nap of 1.5 hours as well, and I'm feeling quite tired right now again.

I've more or less just thrown aside anything but my sense of duty and that's why I'm working a lot now. I've begun writing documentation and specifications for the first Alpha version of the first NyanKana game. I would have finished the script already for the game, but thanks to the wonderfully slow Bell people I can't do the final bits of research to finish it.

Emotionally I think that I'm at this point a worse mess than a while ago. A few moments ago I started feeling depressed and cried a bit, without any clear reason. My involuntary solitude may be part of the reason, together with the new environment. I don't think that I'll last much longer emotionally at this rate. Whenever I feel like curling up in a dark corner and cry out my eyes, it means that I've reached the breaking point. If I didn't have my work and this laptop I'm sure I'd have snapped days ago.

Today I also wrote the first poem in years. The last time I wrote one was in 2003 or 2004. This time I wrote about love, and how it's just a pointless and futile illusion with no future perspective, with friendship being the only proper way to be together with others. Yes, I know that people will hate me for saying things like this and point out that I'm probably not in the right state of mind for such things, and perhaps they're right. It's just that this is how I feel about it. I hate being completely alone, yet the thought of being together with the same person for years and years just frightens me.

Oh great... just got another bloody nose. Second one in four days. Ah well.

Goodnight, everyone.


Friday, 4 January 2008

Lonely But Somewhat Happy~

First of all, being all alone like this, with no one around I know and no internet access, is quite hard on me. I'm most definitely a people person. I mean, I don't mind being alone sometimes, but in the end I hate being alone for extended periods of time. Now that I left my family behind in The Netherlands, pretty much the only person here in Canada I know is my friend. Am I saying that I made a mistake in coming to Canada? I'm not sure... it'll probably work out either way, but I can say that it's doubtful that I'll find my place where I'll really want to be in either of these countries. I might actually end up moving to some Asian country as people have jokingly suggested before.

In other news, this morning my back hurt quite a lot probably thanks to the thin mattress I'm sleeping on now. It took me a long time to wake up as well, even after I got out of bed. I considered going back to bed, even, but after a few hours I started feeling better. Had breakfast and lunch and watched a lot of anime (Clannad).

Today is the first day in a long time that I can say that I've felt focused. Thanks to this I've been able to work a lot on the NyanKana script. Tomorrow I'll wrap up the parts I can finish, then I'll wait for my friend to pass me those pages to fill in the rest and it'll be a wrap-up on Monday, or Sunday, even. I might get my friend to pass the script to other people in the company to look it over and provide feedback. Hopefully I'll get my internet connection before that time. I feel really cut-off like this without internet :(

Ever since I arrived in Canada I've felt myself changing. Obviously it's an enormous confrontation and challenge to me, and I'm often struggling to keep up with things, but in general I think I'm managing. One thing I've noticed is that after I arrived here in Canada I became a lot more cynical and distant, but even before that it was something which had been happening. If I look at the things I did in 2005 and 2006 in terms of work, I was definitely far less occupied with my IS condition. It's as though it has slowly swallowed up all of my time and attention.

I think that I'm getting out of that obsession again, though. It's now back to less severe levels, though one definitely doesn't have to talk about sexuality with me. That's a definite no-go area still. Regardless I feel that I'm becoming more independent and adult-like in general.

Some other things aren't changing yet either. My experiences in Norway have most definitely traumatized me, and I feel that there are a lot of unfinished things I left behind in that place. I might have to go back one day to confront those things again, as well as find other ways to deal with it.

Another thing I've complained about a lot is how I saw men as a threat in general to women, that men are just insensitive, egocentric brutes without any form of a conscience. As it turns out this opinion hasn't changed much. Rather it's become clear to me that most men are indeed exactly like that. I'd much rather have been proven wrong, but statistics don't lie, unfortunately :( I'm still trying to deal with this fact, another reason why I seem to fail to understand the point of man/woman relationships, I guess.

Anyway, it's getting late here (9.45 PM,I love jetlag), so I'll better try to get some sleep. See you crazy people (all 10 or so who are still reading this after I went MIA for a week) tomorrow~


Thursday, 3 January 2008

It's About Time~

As I'm typing this I'm sitting in my apartment. It's taken a week since I arrived in Canada, but I finally have a place for my own. My friend and I have been doing a lot of shopping, first grocery and then mostly kitchen things. I really need to start working now to earn money so that I can pay him back.

I checked out at around 9.30 AM this morning at the motel. So great to never have to stay at that place again. It's fantastic to have not just one, but multiple warm rooms as well as a kitchen. Only things which aren't right yet: in the kitchen the oven doesn't work. Probably due to some blown fuses. The refridgerator/freezer seems to be on its last legs. There's a big gap in the seal on the freezer section, and the thing has to run almost continuously to keep the compartment somewhat cold, something which it most definitely isn't rated for. On top of that it's as noisy as a washing machine during the spin cycle. Sounds like one too.

Further there are some other things in the apartment which are somewhat or completely broken. The bathroom looks just old, except for the toilet (thank the Heavens!), some closet doors won't close and in general I feel tempted to rip out everything and do a complete makeover. Perhaps I could renovate the place in exchange for paying no or less rent... Ah well :P

As you've probably guessed, I still don't have internet at the moment. The nice people at Bell decided to adhere strictly to all the holidays, so that the internet connection won't be ready (meaning the bloody access page decides to accept my username and password) until around monday. I've asked my friend to pass me some pages from Wikipedia and such I need to finish the script for NyanKana. It'll be the first draft for the alpha version of NyanKana, so it's still very basic, but at least then I'll be able to get and use feedback to improve it. The first steps are always the most difficult ;)

First I've exchanged my rag pile for a queen-sized bed, and now I'm back to a flimsy mattress on the floor *sniffle* Hopefully I can soon order some furniture, especially a bed, from Ikea. I'll get to spend another 1,000+ dollar there on things. Sorry, friend~

So anyway, good night everyone, and I hope that my back doesn't hate me too much tomorrow morning~


Wednesday, 2 January 2008


Today I woke up when it was still dark, turned on my other side and fell asleep again. When I woke up it was past 9 AM. I'm feeling somewhat indifferent today, probably because of the things which are supposed to happen today, especially the visit to my apartment and the moving in tomorrow, and not to forget the visit to the physician.

Still no internet. I wonder if I really broke things again, or that it's the motel's router this time. Ah well, tomorrow I should have my own internet connection and all of this won't matter. No need to make a fuss about it. I spend the rest of the time before my friend picks me up with working on the script for the first NyanKana game. It's looking good so far.

It's getting quite late... I wonder if my friend forgot about today? I suddenly realize how vulnerable I've made myself by basically putting my fate in my friend's hands. If he decided so, he could leave me behind with nearly no means of surviving. Then he arrives, and we leave for Kitchener. Before we depart he tells me that the physician won't be available until the 8th this month. Ah well.

Because we did some shopping and wandering around malls first, we arrive around dinner time at the apartment building. The landlady obviously doesn't respond. Now we're not sure whether I can move in tomorrow. My friend will call tomorrow morning. No matter what I'll be leaving this motel tomorrow. Checking out at 10.30 AM.

I just watched the recording of a cam session I did a while ago. Looking at it is a surreal experience. It's like the person I see is me and yet isn't. She seems more carefree, happier, yet still searching for her own womanhood. This is the first time I've watched myself on video in any form or shape. I definitely look quite pretty, and yes, like a girl.

Hopefully I can truly move into the apartment tomorrow. Now it's bed time since tomorrow is going to be busy. Night~


Tuesday, 1 January 2008

Happy New Year~

Today was a really interesting start of the new year. Apparently my primary resolution for the new year is to nag anyone within reach about how miserable I feel about not getting a medical treatment for my IS condition immediately. When I was complaining to my friend about not being able to last much longer without clarity on the medical treatment yesterday, he found me a physician (GP) in Kitchener, who specializes in gyneacology. We'd visit this GP next week or so.

But today when we were talking about it again (online), I once more mentioned my displeasure with the lack of certainty. When he asked me what he could do about it, I kind of snapped and broke down in tears, cutting off communication for a while. When I came back online, my friend told me that he got pretty upset too, and had been talking to his parents, his father promising to look into the health insurance part. My friend will take me to the GP tomorrow, if possible. I apologized to my friend and his parents for being such a pain to deal with, but I still feel bad about it :( Hopefully things will at least work out tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the last day at the motel. I really can't wait to leave this place. First of all it's never nice to stay in a place which isn't yours, or at least I never can get used to it. It's kind of like camping in that sense, and without a kitchen it feels like it too :P

At least I've been able to do some real work on the script for this one game I originally promised to release months ago. I wasn't really in the mood to work on anything back then, I guess. I really can't wait to have a stable internet connection, though. Here at the motel the connection is flaky at best, with okay-ish speeds, serious latency and frequent disconnects, with the whole connection having died a few hours ago, which is why although I'm typing this post now I probably won't be posting it until one or two days from now. I don't think it's my laptop giving issues this time, even with the other issues it's having after the reinstall. The moral of that story: don't be smart and just reinstall applications instead of importing application registry settings. I'm quite sure that's why I can't do things like installing from MSI packages anymore.

While watching TV here in the motel (hey, it's my last chance to see cable TV before I switch to an antenna in the appartment) there were some advertisements for relationship sites. Seeing those made me question the very basics of 'classical' relationships. It's mostly that I don't see the point of man/woman relationships, or rather what makes them so bloody special. People seem to treat it as a basic requirement to live or something. Sure, it's important that humans reproduce to preserve the species, but that doesn't mean they absolutely need to have relationships between men and women.

Being intersexual and having been raised as a boy sure doesn't help with this either, I guess. For years I had to live under the assumption that I'd end up with a girlfriend and that that was the only place where I had to look. During that time I did feel something for men sometimes too (feminine-looking handsome guys are rawr~ :P ), but pushed those feelings aside. Ironically, as it turned out, what I thought were feelings of (sexual) attraction to women were actually feelings of recognition. Recognizing myself in other women, hence the women I felt most 'attracted' to all have physical or personality features which I share.

In the end I guess what bothers me the most is that I grew up among boys and that I had very little contact with girls, even before I started to withdraw into myself. I really miss not having had the chance (yet) to do typical girl things, or even feel like a normal girl. I assume that that's one reason why I'm so pushy about getting that surgery done as quickly as possible; so that I can feel more like a normal girl.

Last night I was watching a documentary about a 300+ kg woman and her efforts to lose weight. What hit me the most was when she said that of the things she wanted to get back the most was to feel like a woman again. She felt that due to her gaining weight, she had lost her womanhood, which is a big part of her identity. I really recognized many of my own feelings on this issue in that. While for me it's not so that people think I'm a boy (even years ago they rarely did), I still feel that because of physical facts, such as not having a usable vagina and experiencing facial hairgrowth, I'm not fully woman.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll learn more about what I can expect from the medical system here, and I've also found a place in Kitchener where they perform IPL hair removal. I just have to hold on a bit longer and keep working so that I can earn piles of money really soon.

Good night and happy new year, everybody~