Thursday, 30 June 2011

What I Expect From Australia, Or Please Cut Me Some Slack

Today's post is very much a continuation of Tuesday's blog post ( on my reasons for leaving the Netherlands. As my target country where I am escaping to is Australia, I'll try to outline in this post what my expectations and hopes are.

First of all, I'd like to state my desire to really contribute to Australia, both its economy and its culture. I'm the type of person who likes to give back. My hope is that I'll get what I need to get started from people in Australia as well as its government. This is also one of the sources of my fears. The last thing I would want is to end up all alone in Australia, in a place I can not afford to pay for, with dwindling financial resources and no backup. Notice that I have never known financial security so far, and that the only reason why I haven't ended up on the streets is because I have had family and other people support me, even if it did turn out they had ulterior motives.

Being able to support myself hasn't been an option for a long time because of my struggle to first understand myself, leading to the discovery of my giftedness and my intersexuality, and then against the medical and other parts of the Dutch healthcare system in a futile attempt to get them to help me. Meanwhile I haven't neglected my intellectual side, however. I know various languages, many programming languages, system architectures and basically at least something of every branch of science and technology. My photographic memory and insatiable thirst for knowledge and understanding have been a great boon and still form a major part of who I am and where my interests lie.

Where things get tricky is that I need financial stability in Australia, but thanks to my traumatic experiences in the Netherlands I'll need a recovery period, both for my physical and emotional injuries. My hope is that something can be arranged here, together with some medical treatment. I'd still like a diagnosis of my intersex condition and treatment options. I guess the central theme here is that I require safety and acknowledgement of my physical condition. A stable platform from which to proceed after the dust of migrating has settled.

I will be moving to a completely foreign country after all, where I do not have any friends I have ever met in real-life. At the moment they're just contacts via IRC and email. What I am so terrified of, as I described earlier, is to end up all alone and without support. I would just have fled from a country where the system has actively pushed me towards my death, only to end up in a place where I'll be forced to fight for my survival again. I'd very much like to get a break here. Take away the worries about finances, a place to live etc. for at least a few months until I can get onto my feet.

Above all I require lots of love and attention :) Here in the Netherlands my mother cares a great deal about me, but is helpless on her own to improve my situation. My younger brother, who has been in New Zealand and Australia in 2009, supports me completely as well. Further I have my current beautician who has been very kind to me so far, and a couple of Dutch people I know via IRC who also support me, some of whom are eager to go along with me. I crave for people who will similarly be kind to me, help me where they can and above all make me - a stranger in a strange land - feel welcome.

I hope this rambling post has made some sense to you. It's very hard to put things down when they're mostly emotional in nature. My hope is that the impression it left you with are that I'm an asset to Australia and a good person to have around or even befriend, someone who will repay kindness in kind. The impression it shouldn't have left you with is that of an unstable, homicidal maniac, in which case I probably should rewrite it :)


Life In The Face Of Murderous Uncertainty

Putting up a brave face towards the world. Because it is expected. Because it makes one feel still somewhat in control. Because the alternative is to be a sobbing pile of misery.

Inside, one only feels turmoil and pain. Every moment another soldier of Hope is brutally slaughtered by the armies of Uncertainty, Frustration and Agony. There is nothing one can do about this conflict. Not without outside help. Where is this help? More uncertainty.

Uncertainty stretches on until far beyond the horizon. Maybe there is something better beyond the horizon? Maybe the path of Uncertainty will finally end there? Maybe. Maybe it will continue on forever. Forever, until things end in a brutal fashion. One keeps walking, even if every step feels like walking bare-foot on shards of glass.

One hears the cries of the other damned most clearly and painfully. A reminder that help isn't guaranteed to arrive. The voices of others are heard in the distance. Laughing voices. Ignorant voices. Useless voices.

Waiting for that one voice which tears apart these ashen skies, freeing one from this prison and unleashing one into a world of Certainty and Safety. Waiting for a miracle. It feels so very futile.

Easier to just take one's own life and unleash oneself into Certainty, even if it's the Certainty of Death. Still one keeps walking, as long as the tiny flame of Hope hasn't been fully extinguished yet.

Why can't all those happy voices help me? Why are they ignoring my suffering? Why don't I matter?

All hope extinguished.


Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Why I Am Still In Mortal Danger, Or Help, I Don't Want To Die

The first time I tried to commit suicide was in 2009, when after about four years I had to acknowledge that it was unlikely that I would be receiving medical help. I tried strangulation, but failed and afterwards I learned to suppress the sadness, rage, anger, fear and other negative emotions associated with getting persecuted for having the nerve to be myself. The persecution and my despair at it only got worse after that.

January of this year I tried to commit suicide again, this time with an overdose of sleeping pills. The reasons were multiple. First the same reasons as for the first attempt, combined with me losing what I at that moment considered to be my home. I survived this attempt as well and tried to find a solution to my situation, eventually acknowledging that I was being persecuted and that my only option was to leave this country.

The past few days I hadn't been feeling all too well. For weeks I have had this strange, nauseating headache, probably induced by the stress caused by all the uncertainties regarding whether I'll be able to make it out of this country alive or not. After multiple weeks of trying to arrange things and only have a temporary visa to show for it, I have zero faith in me actually getting out of this alive.

PTSD flashbacks have been getting worse. I often find myself back in jail, experiencing the despair of utter hopelessness. Then I snap out of it and realize that my current situation isn't much better. I'm completely at the mercy of others at this point, and they at least to me seem more than happy to let me rot in this jail called the Netherlands. Every shred of hope I cling to gets ripped away. It now seems unlikely that I'll be able to get a job in Australia. The family of this friend of my mother hasn't responded after weeks, even after me sending an email myself, probably because they don't want to deal with a freak like me. Maybe it's all inside my head, and everything will turn out fine, but I can say without lying that nothing up till this point has worked out and that my situation has only grown increasingly more desperate.

Last night I went to bed feeling kind of down. I had been suffering from terrible pains in my wrists and hands that day to the point where I had to take double my normal dose of painkillers to deal with it. Once in bed I began to slip into a flashback-like state, which wasn't a flashback. I was imagining committing suicide by stabbing myself with a knife. I could feel everything, find myself longing to carry this out for real, and not finding myself rejecting the idea at all.

I tried to fight against this idea, but it literally is like fighting a bear. It is that I don't bruise easily, or my entire chest would be completely blue and black. All one can see of my struggles are the nail marks where I dug into the skin of my abdomen and tried to rip chunks out. It was so terrifying. I didn't know whether I was going to win this time. I so badly want to live, but it just doesn't seem possible. A third suicide attempt seems inevitable at this point, and I'm almost ready to surrender to the idea.

Yesterday a friend sent out a message on Twitter asking for people to find me a job and safety in Australia, but it was already the second time she did this. I am not expecting anything of it. Everybody around me will just keep living their lives which really aren't that bad, even if they complain a lot about it.

I am disgusted with my body. It's not human. I can not place it. It's not accepted. It's not acceptable. I can't see my own family as such, because they are normal, and I am some kind of alien freak.

It would probably be best if I did kill myself for real this time. I'm just futily keeping myself going with the razor-thin veil of hope that people around me do want me to exist. If I commit suicide it is because I'll be convinced that everybody wants me to die, or doesn't care one bit about my existence. Why do I have to die again? What is my crime? Clearly this body is the reason why I have to die, and my crime is existing. Obviously. I wonder why I didn't see this before?

I fuckin' hate this all...


Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Why I Am Leaving The Netherlands Forever

I figured I would post a slightly more upbeat post for a change. The motivation for this post is that the reasons for why I'm fleeing the Netherlands to find safety in Australia are scattered on my blog and site. I'll try to briefly summarize the reasons in this post.

The very first thing to go wrong in my life which was due to the system in this country was the way my giftedness was handled. As I describe in the summary on my main site, I have a pretty rare form of giftedness, which makes me a 100% visual-spatial learner as opposed to the more usual step-by-step learner. On top of that I have an auditory deficiency which is due to said giftedness. Basically I have to translate auditory (spoken) items to and from my internal (visual) way of thinking. I think in pictures, essentially, where most people think in words.

The education system wasn't ready to deal with a case like mine, and like every other gifted person in the Netherlands I had to suffer through school until things finally went lobsided. My giftedness and the way it turned me into an outcast even during primary school wasn't handled at all by my environment. There is no place for gifted people in the Netherlands. It's all about dumbing down the system enough for the bottom 50% of society. If you're stupid, you get help. If you're smart, you're expected to take care of things yourself. Hello under-performing and rebelling against society.

Next up on the list is of course my intersexuality. I'm far more bitter about the way this got handled by this country than about how my giftedness got handled, and it's the primary reason why I'm fleeing this country. To put it as short as possible, the past six and a half years I have been persecuted for my intersexuality, have been denied medical help and have been mentally abused by psychologists in their attempts to brainwash/reprogram me into believing that I wasn't intersexual but something else.

For the medical side, I have a nice list summarizing what went wrong:

Issues range from a refusal to perform examinations/tests to lying about tests supposedly performed (faking tests), to physicians making up nonsensical diagnoses which do not even exist, or are a derivation of a condition made up by some psychologist who has been rejected by everybody else (gynaephilia, expanded into autoparagynaecophilia: ). The diagnosis intersexuality has not been made in the Netherlands, but has been by two German private clinics, who have been ignored by the Dutch physicians.

While I have experienced a lot of other unpleasant things the past years, including rape, sexual assault and abuse, these pale in comparison to the event which finally made me decide to leave this country:

I suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID, as well as various other traumatic disorders. This led to the earlier linked event where I snapped after a family doctor's office didn't do their job (again), broke a few glass items and was promptly arrested by the police and thrown in jail where I spent the night. Result: nerve damage in my wrists from the cuffs being put on as tight as possible, bruises all over my body from getting grabbed, punched and bashed into walls and car doors, and damage in my right knee of which I'm not sure how serious it is. No apologies were offered from the side of the police or the family doctor's office.

Currently I suffer from severe anxiety and panic attacks as a result of this last experience. Compounded by all my previous experiences it has really opened my eyes to the truth; that the Netherlands does not recognize sexual diversity, whether it involves homosexuals (regularly beaten up and bullied), transsexuals (gone into hiding a long time ago) and intersexual people (neither the medical system nor the Dutch government recognizes their existence).

Earlier this year I attempted to lobby the Dutch government into acknowledging the existence of intersexuality, but without luck. Only party I got a bit of contact with was Groenlinks (Green Left), but I recently got accused by my contact person there of lying about the physicians lying to me. Considering that politicians are supposed to represent the people, that was a pretty disappointing experience.

The contrast between the Netherlands and Australia couldn't be greater: Australia recognizes the existence of intersexual people, my Australian transsexual friends are quite happy about the situation there, there is an intersexual politician in Melbourne, and there are many clinics which specialize in cases like mine. Maybe it's the proximity to Asia (Thailand especially being famous for its sexual diversity), but from what I have seen and heard it's heaven compared to the Netherlands.

The shocking truth is that the Netherlands isn't a tolerant country. When I tell people this they initially don't believe me, but when I describe the things 'different' people have to suffer in this country, they can only agree. It took me a while to accept this truth as well. After all I was born and raised in this country, and it is with a heavy heart that I'll be leaving it. But it's the only way. The only way to survive. The only way to let the world know what is happening in the Netherlands.

Edit: At the request of a friend I'm adding some information on my skill set and job I'm looking for in Australia. My resume can be found at and my portfolio at Basically I have a lot of programming experience in various languages (C/C++, PHP, Java, C#), am familiar with various OSes (Windows, Linux, BSD, etc.), hardware architectures, and am also very good at technical writing (documentation, etc.). Outside programming I have experience with many spoken languages (Dutch, English: fluent; Japanese: getting there), managing teams (fansubbing group, software projects), running a business (software company since June 2006). And so on. I proud myself on being very versatile and a quick learner.

The job I'm looking for in Australia is probably in the ICT sector. I would love to work on a fun game development project, or something else that's fun and exciting. I'd also like to work on less exciting things, such as writing financial software, if it pays enough and the work environment is pleasant. I have gone through a lot of stressful experiences I have to learn to deal with, still, and it would be nice if some allowances would be made because of this. Also with an eye on my medical situation.


Saturday, 25 June 2011

Casting Off This Cursed Body

Today was simply yet another one of those days where everything comes together to remind me of the wrongness of my existence. Or more precisely that of my body. Getting called a liar for merely writing about the facts in my life, and having it rubbed in repeatedly that something like me does not belong in society with my intersexuality, infertility, age and so on, combined with absolutely no updates from Australia for yet another week. So I have a visa. Big deal. My physical location doesn't seem to matter.

My existence doesn't seem to matter.

Forget I even exist.

I'm sorry.



Thursday, 23 June 2011

Fighting Back Terror And Uncertainty

On the practical side things are going relatively well. I have signed up with a couple of Australian recruitment agencies and am in the process of establishing contact with politicians there as well. With some luck I'll have that job in Australia within a month.

Physically and emotionally... not so well. I have the feeling that all the stress of the past six and a half years are finally catching up with me, making me feel more worn out than ever before. I have to constantly fight off visions of things going wrong before or after I arrive in Australia. There are so many doom scenarios to pick from, it's beyond terrifying. That's why I keep insisting that others should be helping me. I can't do this all by myself. It's just making things far too hard for me.

When one Australian friend helped me fill in the visa and pay for the request, it was already such a relief. I do not want to let others do everything, I just don't want to feel like I'm struggling along by myself while everyone else is watching on smugly and pretending everything is fine. It's not. Every minute that I'm awake is a struggle. To believe in myself, to believe in this dream, to believe in things working out with a job, place to live and everything.

And of course there's the whole medical side. My disgust with sexuality and relationships has taken on a form I have never experienced before. It all leads to this intense fear I feel inside that I'll never receive help and acknowledgment for my intersexuality condition. That I'll be living in Australia and that it'll take years before I get a chance to have it examined, diagnoses and treated. Meanwhile I got lower abdominal pains caused by a partially descended testicle to further scare the heck out of me. I don't know whether leaving my intersex condition untreated will or will not shorten my lifespan and/or lead to nasty complications. I don't know, but it's so easy to find out. If I get help. That's why I feel so terrified.

I don't want to be left alone. Not in this situation. Not with this body. I want to feel like life is worth living, not to contemplate suicide every day, hour or even minute. I want to be useful to others, to humanity. To myself. I want to feel like I am human. I want to feel like it is okay to have a body like this. Because right now I absolutely do not think it's okay to have a body like this. I hate this body, and I hate this country which has made me loathe this cursed body.

I too want to sometimes feel at ease and do something as pleasurable and despicable as masturbating without feeling filled with hatred and loathing afterwards, in addition to fighting off flashbacks and thoughts of everything unpleasant and depressing. I don't want to remember getting raped, sexually assaulted, abused or dating the wrong people.

For now I can have none of this. People who say that this is not true are part of this mob who are smugly watching me struggle along this dark road. I want to yell and scream at these people, these shadows to go away, to leave me alone. I would prefer just the solitude over their mockery. I'm not human. I do not really exist. I get it. Now go away.

Above all I guess it will take time for me to regain my humanity once I'm in a safe place, which hopefully will be Australia. If I had to describe a story which closest matches my experiences of the past decades in this country, I would say Alice in Wonderland, but not the cutesy Disney version. Instead I'd point at the 1988 Czech movie rendition:

Nothing so far has made a lick of sense, same as in that movie, and I do not feel that I have been in a real world during any point. My life has been threatened repeatedly. My existence denied and persecuted. The whole world around me a mockery of life. It's beyond surreal and straight into undiluted horror.

All I want... all I long for is to have a house - a home, with a garden where I can sit quietly outside in the gentle sunlight, to then close my eyes and as I listen to the sounds of birds around me realize that everything, for the very first time in my life is right.

Not all dreams turn out to be lies. I wonder where mine will end up at once the dust has settled.


Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Disconnect. Pain. Nausea. Progress.

Not much I can say at the moment. I'm feeling extremely nauseous at the moment again. This in addition to the constant headache I have been afflicted with since last week. For too many days now I have been feeling weak, irritable, restless and apprehensive. The flashbacks of all the terrible things which have happened to me in this horrible country are becoming more and more frequent and stronger. My escape from here is coming closer, but so very slowly.

I'm still hunting for a job in Australia, and although I realize it's only been about two weeks since I started with it, it's so incredibly hard to keep up the hope that it'll work out. It's the only thing I'm waiting for now. Everything else, be it housing and such can be arranged with relative ease, but a job... nobody likes hunting for a job, and neither do I. The only thing I can be grateful for is that Australia doesn't have this fascination with pieces of paper which say that you possess certain skills, but instead favour proven, real-life skills over them.

The money from my insurance company which they still owe me for the electrolysis therapy seems to be coming closer as well. Today I received a letter from them indicating that thanks to specifying 'transsexuality' instead of 'intersexuality' it had passed through the first selection stage and had been handed to a medical advisor. The only thing they want from me is a price quote. I talked with my beautician about this, and she told me that this doesn't really work since the kind of therapy I'm receiving doesn't really have a fixed or easily predicted duration. I got her a phone number at the insurance company after she said she'd call them for me. Waiting for the results now.

Meanwhile the pain in my wrists and hands hasn't relented yet. When they're not hurting I can notice that I lack strength in both hands, especially when grasping something, or making a fist. Nerve damage sucks. It's also a very stringent and most real reminder that my life is under a far too real threat while I'm in this country. I'm terrified of doing anything to further provoke the forces that be in this country lest the cops decide to have another go at me. Above all it reminds me that whether I'm in or outside a police cell, as long as I'm inside this country, there is no significant difference. Either way I'm trapped.

The past few days I have begun to feel more and more disconnected from the world around me. Part of me has already escaped to Australia, it seems. It makes me feel torn and in some ways confused. I hope that I soon get that job and I can begin to make final arrangements for my departure.

As I look outside while I'm typing this, I can see a rainbow in the rainy skies. I hope it's a good sign.


Sunday, 12 June 2011

Love And Warmth; A Sense Of Belonging

This morning I posted the following on my Facebook profile:

"I guess what I long for is to be part of a warm, loving family/group of people. My own family is neither, except for my mother and brothers. Friends I have never had in this country for some reason. I will leave this country with few regrets, hoping to get some of the warmth and love I have never known in my new country."

Yesterday a friend of my mother offered to get me into contact with some family members of her who live in Australia. They're a few years older than me and have been in the Netherlands as well, so they should be able to understand my situation somewhat. A letter was written since this friend of my mother doesn't use a computer let alone internet and therefore doesn't have any email addresses or such things. No problem, it'll just take about a week to get the letter and a couple of my business cards to South-Australia :)

One of the things which terrifies me about migrating is that of ending up in yet another place where I have to fight for everything. My life so far has consisted out of following the path I was supposed to follow until everything derailed after finishing high school and I have been drifting about with a clear sense of where I want to go, but without the ability to get there. Meanwhile everything kept falling apart around me, with my parents divorcing, a number of moves, and of course my run-in with the fantastic healthcare in this country.

There are some parts of my early youth which I fondly remember, but they're few and get scarcer as my memories become more recent until it's all a blur of confusion and pain. The comfort of a loving and warm family and/or group of friends is something I have never truly experienced beyond a few small glimpses.

Part of this is because of my family, both from my father's and mother's side. Neither consists out of very tight or warm families, further illustrated by examples such as that of one of my cousins who committed suicide a number of years ago due to getting abused sexually for many years by an uncle. Now she is dead because she didn't get support from her family or the justice system in this sickening country, and the person responsible is still walking around, free to continue his actions. This is the kind of warmth and loving one can expect in this country and from its inhabitants.

And I'm sick of it.

I am sick of seeing people being unhappy. I am sick of people treating me like I'm some kind of freak. I am sick of having to apologize for my existence. I am sick of having to fight against the urge to end my own life as well because I feel so unwanted by my environment. I am sick of looking back at my life and getting depressed. I am sick of looking at my future and only feeling a bleak sense of despair.

Above all I am sick of being alone in everything.

My dearest wish at this point is to be welcomed in Australia. To have people help me get settled. To have a fun job there. To not have to explain my situation every time I have to show my ID. To have people help me with my intersex condition. To have friends with whom I can play videogames, work on projects or just have fun. To feel a part of a loving, warm group of people who genuinely care about me.

I like to think that I am a gentle, caring and sensitive person who only wants herself and others to be happy. So far this attitude towards life has just resulted in getting punished at every turn. Not understanding why being a good person gets me punished all the time is the main reason why I am having difficulty with hanging on to life. I mean, if just being myself is not accepted by my surroundings, then why would I keep trying?

In a sense everything at the moment comes down to the choice between staying here in this cold, unforgiving, intolerant and above all heavily prejudiced Netherlands and most likely die a tragic death at my own hands, or take a gamble, move to Australia and hope for the best.

All I hope for is that being a kind, intelligent and skilled person is enough to help me survive over there.

Please let it be true...


Friday, 10 June 2011

Escape To Australia: Progress Update

The first hurdle has been passed: my visa request got approved right away, basically as soon as the office in Australia opened. No 8 weeks processing time as the site mentioned, but about 4 hours, most of which was during the early morning hours in Australia when everything was still closed. It's a good start.

Next up is finding a job. This should be easy since I'm looking for an IT job, programming, video editing, software engineering or similar. See the resume on my main site for details. I got some friends looking around for me, and I have put my resume on Australian job sites and submitted it to various companies. Considering the booming IT market and lack of people to fill positions I should have no trouble finding a job.

Once I have a job I'll know where I'll be staying in Australia and can arrange for a place to stay, whether it's temporarily at someone else's place or that I'll already arrange an apartment. This is the part where things get quite fuzzy.

I'd like to repeat once more that I have no intention of abandoning the company my colleague and I have build over the past years. I still want to work full-time in Nyanko and earn my income from it. I want my colleague to be happy with everything as well and get his income from the company too. It's only fair, and with all the plans for the future we both have, it would be beyond a shame to let it all go to waste.

A job is a financial crutch in this case. There's no realistic way for me to otherwise establish a foothold in Australia. But it also nets me a lot of benefits, including a social connection with the people there and a clear focus in my life while I get settled, without any significant worries about the financial side.

Today I also contacted another Australian TV channel regarding my story. I hope at least one TV channel shows an interest in my story. It would really help me with getting settled in Australia if I got some recognition, not to mention the help it would provide to people like me who live in societies as intolerant as that of the Netherlands.


Thursday, 9 June 2011

Setting Out To Find Happiness, At Last

Looking back at my blog posts of the past month it seems incredible that so much has happened in such a short time. One point has been driven home quite sufficiently during this single, hectic month. This being that there is absolutely no way I could stay in the Netherlands. There's no recognition of or acknowledgement for people like me. It's even gone so far that my experiences of the past six and a half years can only be described by the term 'persecution'. Whether this persecution was intentional or a symptom of a wider problem with this country and its bureaucracy and government is beside the point. What matters is that it is the wrong place for a person like me.

Last week I took the decision after much consideration and consulting various friends and other knowledgeable contacts that I would be moving, permanently, away from the Netherlands and settle in Australia. Today I filed for a work visa. The expectation is that I'll be departing for Australia by August at the latest.

Why Australia? For one it has sexual diversity acknowledged in its laws, it's also very tolerant of people who are 'different', has an intersexuality movement, many clinics specializing in such conditions and even a politician who is intersexual and is fighting for the rights of intersexuals and such. The contrast with the Dutch politicians who prefer to pretend that there's no such thing as intersexuality and would rather that transsexuals and homosexuals didn't exist either.

People from outside Europe with whom I have talked about the difficulties I have encountered here in the Netherlands due to my medical condition have expressed shock and disbelief. The general assumption seems to be that the Netherlands is a beacon of tolerance and respect, while this couldn't be farther removed from the truth. With homosexuals regularly getting beaten up in cities like Amsterdam, and chased away in other places, transsexuals gone into hiding, and intersexuals nowhere to be seen (in the Netherlands and Germany combined I'm the only intersexual person with a website), it is more of a Hell hole than one could have imagined. I know that it has taken me a long time to finally acknowledge this truth, and it is with a saddened heart that I'll leave this country which I once considered to be my own forever behind me.

What awaits me in Australia? Assuming that my visa application gets approved without issues, I'll be arranging a job and a place to live during the coming months with the assistance from various friends and their contacts. So far things seem to be working out relatively smoothly there. Main concern the coming time will be to cover the financial side. My insurance company received a third request for full coverage of electrolysis therapy yesterday, this time using 'transsexuality' as the reason since 'intersexuality' is not in the list of known conditions the government provides. My current GP thought this was ridiculous as well, especially considering that it's technically the same thing in this case and there aren't that many applications.

Assuming this request gets approved I'll get over 4,000 Euro, which should help me finance the whole operation. I'll also be working more than ever on finishing up Nyanko's first PC videogame together with my esteemed colleague. Releasing this game before I migrate will increase my funds significantly, will give me some room in my schedule since the project will be finished, and above all I feel I have the obligation to my colleague since he has put his heart and soul into the game and the game engine and tools behind it. I'd be a horrible person if I would drop the project and only focus on my own happiness.

I could never be happy at the cost of others. This is also why I'm hoping that I'll get a lot of support in Australia, from the intersex movement and others, so that I'll soon find my own place. I have already contacted the Australian media in the hope that they have an interest in my story and reasons for coming to Australia. Others need to know what has happened the past 6.5 years. For theirs and my sake, as well as that of those like me. At least that way the years I have sacrificed will have had some purpose.