Saturday, 31 March 2012

Press Release On Official Gender Change

Yesterday a press release was put out by my personal injuries lawyer, Yme Drost, regarding the court's decision to have my legal gender changed from male to female. I got asked to translate the press release into English for the convenience of those who do not speak English. The original article and the associated links/materials such as the original court decision can be found at It has also been made available at the Dutch news outlet ANP:

Title: Finally legal recognition for hermaphrodite

NETHERLANDS - Maya Posch from Rijssen is relieved. Finally did she get the recognition she has been looking for during many years. The court in Alkmaar concluded this week that, although Maya will keep her male and female genitals, the registrar's office has to change her gender from male to female.

At first glance a rather unremarkable decision. Gender changes do occur more often in the Netherlands. This then happens for individuals who are transgender. They are convinced that they belong to the other sex, while they only have characteristics of one sex: male or female. After transgenders have obtained the irrefutable conviction that they belong to the other sex and, if medically and psychologically possible, have been adapted to that other sex, they can request a gender change via the courts at the registrar's office.

Initially it appeared that Maya Posch had to make that choice too. The multi-disciplinary team of the VU Medical Center in Amsterdam wanted, according to Maya, not acknowledge that Maya was possibly a hermaphrodite: a male and female egg which merged to form a single person, a person with both male and female sexual characteristics. This led to an identity crisis for Maya and even to suicide attempts. Ultimately Maya received help from a German physician who after examinations and (exploratory) surgery, confirmed the presence of both male and female reproductive organs in Maya's body. Maya turned out to be absolutely a hermaphrodite.

The Dutch Supreme Court considered in 2007 that erasing the gender in the birth certificate, without registering a sex in said certificate, wasn't possible for a hermaphrodite. The court in Alkmaar has duly considered the remarkable situation of Maya and came with a unique ruling. In this ruling the court follows up on the answers from April 18th 2011, from among others the Minister Van Bijsterveldt-Vlienthart (Education, Culture and Science), on earlier presented questions in the Second Chamber.

The court considers that the legal determination for changing the sex is only meant for transgenders, and therefore not relevant for Maya Posch. But, and this is the unique part of the ruling, by the registration of her birth as 'son of' an apparent mistake has been made, thus concludes the court. This apparent mistake hereby is that at the birth only the external sex characteristics of a male have been observed and not the at that point also present (hidden) female sex characteristics. The court determines that for Maya, who has the appearance of a woman, female dominance is present, which next to her maleness is part of her identity. It is therefore for Maya allowed, partially because she was made infertile, to keep her current male reproductive organs. The court then orders the change of the gender of Maya in the birth certificate from 'son' to 'daughter'. And with that there is finally legal recognition for the special identity of Maya Posch.

Maya Posch has meanwhile asked the Hengelonese personal injuries lawyer Yme Drost to represent her in making the VU Medical Center (VUMC) and others responsible for the identity crisis she ended up in. Drost will also start a medical disciplinary case  against the physicians of the transgender team of the VUMC. According to Drost it should not again be allowed in the Netherlands that hermaphrodites do not receive medical recognition and thus end up in a severe identity crisis, with the possible harmful results.



Friday, 30 March 2012

Legal Recognition Of My Intersex Condition And Beyond

Today a number of things happened: I got the shipping confirmation on my new phone, two days earlier than expected, had one lawyer tell me that the legal gender change has been approved and another reaffirm the case against the Dutch hospitals. The judgment regarding the gender change will help immensily with the latter.

The first lawyer is Marlies van Haaf-Noot, of Kiers Advocaten in Deventer. She has been instrumental in setting up and handling the request and subsequent questions from the court. Also crucial in getting the gender change approved were the German physician Dr. Pottek, Dutch physician Dr. Zweers (sadly deceased), and my psychotherapist Engel Vrouwe. Steering the request into the right direction was done by J. Vreer Verkerke, a human rights activist who consulted a lawyer more familiar with these matters about the right law article to use.

In the end the gender change was approved based on article 1:24 BW, which is the Dutch Civil Law. The other article initially used, 1:28, is aimed at transsexuals and did not apply to me according to the court. 1:24 on the other hand matched aside from the exact wording. It's aimed at intersex cases whereby at birth the intersex condition is known, yet the wrong gender is picked for the child. In other words, the somatic characteristics of both male and female genitals have to be visible. My case presented an issue here in the sense that the female genitals for me were not visible, but hidden, yet the available evidence makes it undeniable that I am in fact intersex, and primarily female.

The ruling that 1:24 does apply to me means a big shift in the interpretation of this law article, and also the very first time that such a request has been requested and approved by a Dutch court. The precedent of this case should not be underestimated. After forwarding the ruling to my personal injuries lawyer, Yme Drost, he immediately contacted me despite being officially sick at home. To him it represents a marvelous opportunity, as with this I have legal recognition in the Netherlands of my intersex condition, making it much harder for the Dutch hospitals to continue denying this fact, and the damage they have caused to me by this denial during the past seven years.

While the ruling is subject to a 3 month appeal period before I can use it to change my passport, it's nevertheless useful in kicking off the lawsuit(s) against the Dutch hospitals. Next week probably the first formal complaint will be filed against the VUMC hospital in Amsterdam, specifically their gender team. Yme Drost put up an article on his office's website [1], and also submitted it to the Dutch central news outlet for national and foreign news [2] from where it'll be picked up by national and foreign media channels.

Yme Drost has also shown interest in the other legal matter I have going on, which concerns the refusal of my insurance company, Unive, to fully cover the electrolysis therapy I need to get rid of the excess hairgrowth due to previously elevated hormone levels. Unive's excuse is that 'intersex' is not listed on the list of conditions which qualify for this as provided by the Dutch government and thus they do not have to cover it. At this point SKGZ is negotiating between Unive and me. If that fails, my lawyer will probably take it on.

As for the first item I started with, a few days ago in the official IRC channel for AndEngine, a 2D game engine for Android, I was raging about how the OpenGL ES 2.0 version of AndEngine wasn't working on my phone, which seemed to be due to the native library not being loaded for some reason. Long story short, apparently that phone is capable of reproducing a somewhat rare bug and the AndEngine author, Nicolas Gramlich, wanted to buy my phone as it's not easily available in the US.

Earlier today I sent that phone, the Huawei U8800 IDEOS X5, to California, and apparently tomorrow I'll be receiving the replacement phone I ordered. That phone will be the Huawei U8850 Vision. I can't say I'm unhappy about this cheap upgrade, with the new phone being faster, having Android 2.3.3+ and a front-facing camera. It should allow me to continue developing the AndEngine-based game I have nearly finished and put it up for sale soon.

Major items left now are to get rich and famous :)


[1] (Dutch)
[2] (Dutch)

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

The Mask I'm Forced To Wear

The previous blog post was pretty dramatic, I guess. While writing it I had to pause a few times when I realized that what I was writing down was something you'd read in a suicide note, found after the deed was done. I also still agree with my assertion. I'm deriving no joy from life at this point due to the reasons mentioned, and it's highly unlikely that I will be able to do so any time soon.

Sure, there are things coming up as usual. Some legal complaints against the Dutch hospitals, the impending legal gender change, a possible TV appearance in the UK and the usual bits and pieces like people saying they're asking around for help or passing my story around. Yet they do not matter with regard to my direct situation.

Today I keep getting assaulted by waves of negative thoughts and doubts. I have been working all day on a number of projects which should hopefully earn me some money and attention. My situation is thus that I'm essentially broke and would be living on the streets if I wasn't living at my mom's place. Yet even she can't finally support me for much longer. Thus I absolutely have to fix it. Just me. No miracle is going to occur. No one is going to suddenly hire me. No one is going to get me out of this absolute Hell I ended up in.

Alright, that was a bit dramatic. But still, the entire time that I'm awake I feel this suggestion to commit suicide. It's a soft and so very tempting sensation. Putting the prospect of ending my existence next to the many years of hell I'm bound to go through, I would be insane to not pick the only reasonable option. I don't give a damn about the others who I might be helping by persisting to live, or inconvenience by killing myself. In the end, me as an individual is what matters.

I have been accused on countless occasions of 'wallowing in self-pity' and such things. I do not think I do. I know that if I did nobody would take me seriously. I know that I hate feeling miserable. I hate feeling the way I do while I'm typing this. All choked up and teary-eyed. I hate it because I'm weak and helpless. I hate it because it reminds me of the intense pain inside which I have to push away every moment I'm conscious. It reminds me that nobody really understands what I'm going through, that I'm living in the twilight moments before my existence forever fades, as the poets call it.

I'm still holding back the worst of the pain and agony inside. If I let it out I'd die.

Thus I wear this mask. A double-sided mask. One side for myself and another for the outside world. Both are shielded this way from the destructive force inside of me. Even if it's slowly killing me inside.

For a while now there's nothing I have wanted more than to abandon any contacts with others. Just vanish out of everyone's lives. I'd no longer have to wear one side of the mask. Yet I could not do this without losing control over the other side of the mask. I'd lose the mask and with it destroy myself.

Which would you pick, a slow or a quick death?

Just get it over with already... I'm sick of having to defend myself and beg for help which never arrives.


Saturday, 24 March 2012

Intersex As Death Sentence; I Died Years Ago

Last night I found myself wondering about the appeal of social networks like Google+ to me and my inability to easily leave it alone for a while without conscious effort. This led to the realization that the brief interactions make me feel better about myself, but also made me aware of this gaping hole inside me where me as a person should have been. All I have is this desperate need to make money. All I am is a desperate intellect working every day and a victim of severe abuse trying to get attention for a world-wide tragedy while nobody listens.

As a child I didn't understand what I was and thus I was unable to develop myself emotionally. As a teenager I didn't understand who or what I was either and experienced no emotional growth either. By the time I found out what I was I quickly became so tangled up in the torture practices of Dutch healthcare and politics for intersex individuals, not to mention that I got repeatedly sexually assaulted, abused and raped over the course of seven years. No healthy emotional growth took place during this time. It's only my strong intellectual side keeping me alive.

While this all occurred to me last night I managed to get to bed. While trying to fall asleep I found myself unable to ignore the feeling of discomfort. I figured that just crying for a while would help relieve the pressure and I could fall asleep that way. Soon after I allowed myself to cry I noticed that things were going horribly wrong.

The pain intensified. I knew I had to go downstairs and grab those pills, take them all and die. Yet I held myself back. I realized that my situation is only worsening and every day another part of me dies while people around me go on with their lives and I'm still that 8-year old child, incapable of ever moving ahead in life. I won't ever have my own place, become financially independent, have real-life friends or even a relationship. This body of mine is a waste.

Part of my mind acknowledged the desire to extinguish my own existence, recognized it from previous occurrences and realized that the only way I'd get through this without severe physical injuries or even dying was to physically restrain myself. It forced my hands to grab on to my upper arms and not let go. Without that I would have been bleeding from countless gauges, have bruises all over, including possible brain trauma from this strong desire to bash my head against the wall until I'd pass out.

I was rolling around on my bed, crying, sobbing and begging to end the pain, with my head bashing into the pillow as violent urges surged through my body and my fingernails dug deeper and deeper into my arms as another part of me resisted the commands to inflict gruesome damage upon this worthless body. I'm not sure how long this lasted... it could have been five minutes, it could have been fifteen or even an hour. All I remember is that eventually I calmed down and promptly fell asleep from sheer exhaustion.

I still think that I should have died in January of last year when I tried to commit suicide. It would have prevented this further degradation of my psyche and probably been more gentle to my mother as well who keeps having to watch on as the Dutch politicians, psychologists and physicians keep torturing and denying the reality of one of her own children. I do not wish to hear people say that life is worth living, because I'm convinced it isn't and nobody can convince me of the opposite other than through physically, fundamentally changing my situation.

In preparation for this article I looked around for suicide risk factors, and came across this article [1] at the US National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) on suicides in the US. The sentence whereby I nearly started crying was the following:

"Most suicide attempts are expressions of extreme distress, not harmless bids for attention. A person who appears suicidal should not be left alone and needs immediate mental-health treatment."

I do not expect to feel not alone any time soon. I do not expect to move to a safe place any time soon, let alone receive treatment for the severe psychological trauma I suffer from. It is very reasonable to expect that I will be dead tomorrow.

And there isn't a bloody thing I can do about it. All the more reason to commit suicide, it seems. I have been 'holding on' for seven years. I can't continue doing that for much longer. Events like that of last night show that I'm on the verge of losing my last hold on life. I can only resist those self-destructive urges for so long. Anyone who has experienced such urges or is close to someone who is going through the same thing can understand. Anyone else is unlikely to understand the severity of this situation.

There's nothing keeping me from committing suicide and succeeding this time. There's no logical argument to be made for resisting it any longer. I have wondered for a long time about whether I'm deluding myself into thinking that suicide is the proper course, but with events like last night's highlighting again how much pain I'm pushing away and how I'm ignoring all that is wrong and getting worse, it's clear that thinking that there is hope and that things are getting better is the real delusion.

Anyone want to help me commit suicide without causing too much of a mess for others to clean up? I'd really appreciate it.



Thursday, 22 March 2012

Soon I'll Officially Be Female, Hopefully

Earlier today I got an email from my lawyer on the legal gender change request. She had checked the courthouse's journal and noticed that a ruling is schedule for the request next week Wednesday, the 28th. She expects this to be the final ruling, and not another request for information like before. This should also mean that there'll be no hearing at the courthouse. This could be taken as a good sign.

Hopefully next week's ruling will mean the approval of the request. Considering that it's the first time ever that such a request has been filed - namely a request to have one's legal gender changed in case of intersex - in the Netherlands, it's hard to say what this ruling will be. The ridiculousness in the case of rejection of the request would entail the obvious feminine phenotype and general appearance of me and the mismatch with the male identity on my passport. Naturally any rejection would be appealed, though I hope it doesn't have to get to that.

In further news, I haven't heard back from my other lawyer, Yme Drost. This week the first formal complaint a Dutch hospital was going to be filed, but I think that Yme has fallen sick or such. I hope this can be arranged soon, also because of the fact that the important talkshows as well as Dutch politics in general will essentially stop during the summer time. That'd be pretty disastrous for my cause.

The things I can control to some extent and which I'm focusing on these days including a number of work-related projects, including some Android applications and games which I hope to put on the Android Market by next week using the 'buy to get more features' model. This model means that development of the game and applications from the basic initial release gets funded by people buying the application. This means that I'd get a more constant stream of income and people who buy the application get regular feature updates, while also being able to provide feedback on existing and desired features.

Finally, two last items which are less pleasant, but which had or have to be done. Earlier today I had a chat with the second police agent involved in my arrest last year. While I noticed that she too had this very strict, almost aggressive stance on defending their actions and wasn't going to say 'sorry' for the physical injuries I suffered as a result, I nevertheless managed to hold a constructive discussion. We discussed the failures of the Dutch mental and physical healthcare system, which is causing her and her colleagues a lot of grief as they have to clean up their messes. I left the police station with a generally positive feeling about this. More so than with the previous officer and agent (both males) I talked to. They were far too strict and in no way emotionally involved.

The other item is one I talked about before, namely the fact that I have to move to my own place. I'm currently looking for a room or similar in the Dutch city of Deventer. I have signed up for so-called 'anti-kraak', whereby you get to live in a building while it doesn't have any fixed inhabitants so as to discourage unwanted activity in or near the building. I'm also looking for a room to rent, but I'm rather wary of this due to my disastrous experiences in Almere back in late 2010 where an attempt to do the same thing resulted in me losing over a thousand Euro and contributing to my suicide attempt in early 2011. It has to be reliable, in other words. I'm not sure I can ascertain this, beyond someone I trust doing the networking for me.

I got an email from SKGZ recently after an inquiry from my side regarding their negotiation between me and my insurance company on the coverage for the electrolysis therapy. The latter seems to be struggling still, but I should get a response on my insurance company's (Unive) decision in this matter. If they decide to cover it my immediate financial troubles will be over as I'll get over 5,000 Euro back from them. If not I'll have to pass the matter on to my lawyer.

Ideally with a month I'll be living at my own place, received the insurance money, can identify officially as female too and will have been featured on national and foreign TV. A UK acquaintance contacted ITV in the UK for an appearance of me on one of their shows and they seemed interested. I'm still waiting to hear back on that. It'd be nice, though.

So much is happening and yet so much has to be done still...


Tuesday, 20 March 2012

On The Topic Of Becoming A Proper Refugee

Not much to say other than that part of me really wants to just give up on fighting this world war with countless fronts and battles, instead just stepping out of the door and starting walking. Maybe I'll apply for refugee-status along the way. It'd be one way to get into Norway or similar country.

I'm so worn-out from being scared and terrified of this horrible country which I'm forced to call 'my' country, even though the mere thought of associating myself with this disgusting pile of corrupted, rotting systems makes me feel sick to the point of throwing up. Like any other abused child or woman I should just leave this place instead of hoping that maybe tomorrow I won't get beaten or tied down or kicked.

Maybe the real issue in my situation is that I haven't worked out the nerve yet to just abandon everything I have in this horrible country and flee for real. Even if it gives up my company, my contacts with friends, the little bit of media attention I have gathered and hoping that I will actually find a better place once I have wrestled through the barbed wire surrounding the concentration camp called 'the Netherlands'.

It can't be right that I consider suicide with the most casual of attitudes, can it? Something is wrong here...


Saturday, 17 March 2012

I Can Not Be Human. I Do Not Want To Be Human

I do not know what the truth or reality is any more. The only thing I am certain of is real, tangible and good is anything science and tech-related. Basically anything intellectual is good.

People... society... me as a person... me... I don't know. I do not know whether feeling suicidal is the right response or not. I do not know whether feeling hopeful about my future is a good thing or self-delusion. I do not know when something is proper help or when it's just leading me astray again.

After yesterday I have decided to hold off on this whole life coach thing as it's just horribly upsetting me so far. The interview I also did yesterday for a Los Angeles station was in essence a good experience, but it makes it once again clear how screwed up my situation is. The guy interviewing me, Cary Harrison, said that to him it sounded like I'd qualify for refugee status without any questions asked after my experiences in the Netherlands the past year. It made me think that it might be the case. Even if it's so incredibly hard to qualify for such a status and the attached help.

At this point I'm again strongly considering suicide. This entire day I have felt irritable, again behaving in a manner which is completely opposite to my usual patient and thoughtful behaviour. That I will not get help seems like an absolute certainty. That the lawsuit and any appearance on Dutch television is going to turn into another costly disappointment is also quite certain.

I'm sick of humans. I'm sick of being human. All humans mean to me is pain and uncertainty. All being human means to me is pain and suffering. I'm less and less certain each passing day of what my normal emotional state is supposed to be. Each passing day it seems more and more certain that I just haven't admitted yet that I'm an utter failure.

Being smart or pretty doesn't mean anything if you're in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I just nearly exploded again while I was typing the above. There's so much rage and so much pain inside me. Just crying or punching something isn't going to make it go away. I'll probably have to drug up again on codeine. I should just overdose on it and get this over with.

The only way I can keep existing is if I stop being human.


Monday, 12 March 2012

Saving Someone From Suicide, And The Stockholm Syndrome

Stabilizing someone who suffers from frequent suicidal moods and who may already have undertaken one or more attempts is no easy feat. It gets tougher when no immediate change to a (perceived) safe environment can be established.

I have known since at least 2009 that I'm highly suicidal, with as direct cause the excessive and chronic stress I have been subjected to since early 2005 due to the psychological torture and personal deconstruction I have been exposed to through the efforts of the Dutch healthcare and political systems. During and after 2009 I have undertaken many attempts, with the most successful one so far resulting in me being rushed to the ER. After that attempt in particular I changed, feeling strongly that I should have died that time, a feeling which hasn't faded since.

After my first appointment with my new life coach, about whom I shall write more in a later article, a dangerous journey has been started. Three goals were set: getting my own place, spending time on hobbies and entertainment and getting a social life. The former is required because where I currently live (Rijssen) is one of the worst places in the Netherlands to live due to its Christian attitude. I can not get a family doctor here after rejection by all of them and in general my presence in this city is deemed undesirable. Not having my own room and being socially isolated is wreaking havoc on my mood as well.

My life coach has offered to look and ask around for a place I could rent (cheaply) in the nearby city of Deventer, something which should be quite possible. We have together set a target date of April 9th for finding and getting me that place of my own. It's a rather pleasant city and barring any financial difficulties in affording rent and utilities (and food), I should flourish there.

And yet I nearly committed suicide again last night.

With so many uncertainties about my future, occasional thoughts of running out of money, of not being able to afford a place in Deventer at all (being virtually broke), of the lawsuit preparations against the hospitals taking so long, of my legal gender change still being months away at best, of the media deeming my treatment by the Dutch hospitals acceptable, of... I'm so frightened. And I hate this body for causing it all.

I was busy taking the first of a pile of pills before I was able to hold myself back from taking more. Instead of a lethal dose (which I would probably have vomited out anyway), I just took a mild overdose.

While I hate my current situation with all the passion I can muster, the thought of this possible future scenario terrifies me enough to actually consider the situation I was in 2-3 years ago with the Dutch hospitals actively torturing me preferable to my current and possible future situation. It's so wrong that I think like that, but on the other hand it's a known quantity... and it feels comfortable in a sense. Some would call it Stockholm syndrome [1].

I hope that this transition to a new and possibly safer situation happens rapidly and doesn't put me so far outside my few comfort zones that panic sets in again and I'll do the unspeakable. All I want is to feel safe and welcome. Somewhere. Not panic-stricken and on the verge of lashing out - at myself mostly - every waking moment. I want to stop feeling useless and irrelevant.



Thursday, 8 March 2012

The Media Doesn't Get Intersex, And Why I Must Move

I really have to comment on the disappointing reception of my recent newspaper article on my case against the Dutch hospitals. Even the journalist who wrote the article, Lucien Baard, expressed his disappointment in a message to me about how few newspapers ran the article. In the end it appeared in just three newspapers: TC Tubantia, Noord-Hollands Dagblad and De Stentor. This covers part of the western side of the country as well as the province I'm in. Coverage in subscriptions is about 300,000.

I'm glad at least RTV Oost contacted me and wanted me on their talk show, otherwise I would have been exceedingly disappointed as well. As-is I think that the problem is still the same: people, and especially those in the media, do not understand intersex. They do not understand what it is, they do not understand why it'd be wrong to forcefully perform surgery on an infant, they do not understand why what was done to me was a horrible thing.

And the few times someone in the media does 'get' it, like Lucien did, his colleagues do not pick up on it or only in a few exceptions. The major talk shows on Dutch TV like Pauw en Witteman still aren't interested.

What would take it to really break through this ignorance? Yesterday I had a good chat with my lawyer, Yme Drost, and decided upon a course of action. He's going to contact a specific hospital so that the DNA and karyotype testing as described in my previous blog post can be performed there. I'm hoping that with a few weeks I can have these tests and that within two months we'll have a case prepared against the Dutch hospitals.

I think that only when the legal case gets underway will the media finally bother to learn why it is something big and important which is happening here and will they become educated. I wish that it could be sooner or via a different way, but you can not force a mountain out of the way with your bare hands. I do have one person, my lawyer, who could do this for me since he's well-known in the Dutch media, but it's completely at his discretion whether or not that's going to happen. He did get me into contact with Lucien after all who then proceeded to write the wonderful article on my story and current news.

It just shows that there is most definitely a story, the media just doesn't get it yet.

In other news, thanks to the Dutch government changing the rules for people on welfare this year I find myself forced to move away from my mom's place, as otherwise the moment I start earning a significant amount of money (say in a month and onwards when Trevor and I release our first video games), my mom will lose her welfare and I'll have to pay for everything.

Add to this that where I currently live (Rijssen) I can not even get a family doctor any more as there are none left whom want to take me on as a patient or whom I can trust. In general Rijssen is a very unpleasant and stressful environment for me due to the very right-wing Christian attitude this city is (in)famous for. The place I'm currently staying at doesn't have many good memories for me either as it's been the scene of so much strife and pain for over a yer now. I need a change of scenery.

Tomorrow when I see this sister of my beautician, the former having offered me life coaching, I'll ask her to help me find a place in the city of Deventer. Why this city? It's where I have most of contacts at this point. I have the beauty salon there, the swimming pool I like, a number of people including store owners who know my story and with whom I can talk. It's also where I met that girl whom I helped carry that heavy box a month ago. Finally Deventer isn't home to a large number of students living in the city itself, meaning that I'm far more likely to find a place there.

What form this will take on I do not know. I might end up living at someone's place again, though finally with my own room, or find something cheap to rent (200 Euro/month? Maybe...). I hope to find some hospitality at least.

Wish me luck.


Tuesday, 6 March 2012

DNA Testing The Medical Mystery; More Lawsuit Preparations

Tomorrow I'll be discussing the DNA testing to be done in preparation for my lawsuit against the Dutch hospitals. The goal is to determine genetically which type of hermaphroditism I have, Mixed Gonadal Dysgenesis (MGD) [1] or True Hermaphroditism (TH) [2].

I think that MGD is unlikely and I have an unusual form of 46,XX/46,XY TH considering the symptoms. There is no evidence of a real ovotestis or similar when looking at the hormone levels before hormone replacement theory (HRT), during it and before and after the orchiectomy. During those times low levels of testosterone were present which vanished after the orchiectomy. There were no significant levels of estradiol and they didn't seem to change after the orchiectomy.

The first goal will be to determine the chromosomal composition of the cells, how many X and Y chromosomes in the cells, essentially. MGD generally has the karyotype 45,X/46XY (mosaicism), whereas TH has 47,XXY, 46,XX/46,XY, and 46,XX/47,XXY and similar. By testing for the karyotype these forms should become apparent. For a complete test 20-30 different tissues should be tested, however, as with chimerism (different cell lines in a single individual) indications of these different cell lines are unlikely to exist in the same tissue type (e.g. blood). In some TH cases over 90% of their karyotype was 46,XY and yet they were still primarily female, even to the point of being fertile as such.

What's unusual in my case is the low levels of any type of sex hormone (suggesting 46,XX/46,XY), with the lack of evidence for ovotestis, with also a strongly female phenotype aside from the genitals where the phenotype is more male. Again, this suggests 46,XX/46,XY most strongly, yet not in a form usually described in the literature.

A second test to be done is testing the SRY gene on the Y chromosome for mutations, as this is also associated with TH. The SRY gene is responsible for many parts of the masculinization of the genitals during development and plays a crucial role in making someone 'male'.

At any rate I hope that this DNA testing can be concluded quickly and gives some clear results as being busy with medical stuff like this brings back really bad, traumatic memories of the past seven years. Of fighting and defending myself against physicians and psychologists who kept insisting that everything I thought was a lie and that I was just a self-deluding guy. I really notice the harm they have done to me as I am now forced to relive much of it in preparation for this lawsuit.

On the other hand, if the DNA testing gives a clear result on which type of hermaphroditism I have it will close another chapter in this harrowing story and make my case against the Dutch medical system stronger than ever. Here's hoping I won't have to wait two months or longer on it.

Meanwhile I'm not sitting idle on the media front. I have emailed two major Dutch TV shows about the talk show I was on exactly one week ago today and I'm hoping they're interested in having me around. The shows in question are 'De Wereld Draait Door' and 'Pauw en Witteman'.



Sunday, 4 March 2012

Why I Will/Will Not Commit Suicide Today

Yesterday I mentioned to someone that I must be feeling better because I felt like resuming work on my newest novel, Viral Desire. This was not true.

The past weeks have been grueling for me, with a sharp increase in my suicidal moods. This morning I awoke pretty much sobbing and feeling sure that suicide is the only meaningful thing to do at this point. In some ways I can blame the hope I had for a rapid pick-up of the story by the media and the resulting salvation. It's hard to imagine that it's only been a week since the article got published. The stress as a result of his dangerous hope has made it seem like a month or longer.

Right now I'm not feeling that horrible, just extremely tense and highly agitated. It doesn't take much to make me snap at people or punch or otherwise hurt myself when something isn't working out. My abdominal surgery wounds and the knee and wrist injuries are also hurting a lot right now as they have for the past days. It all doesn't make me very happy.

The real source of my stress is however still the way the Netherlands has treated me. I can not understand, comprehend or even justify what the Dutch physicians, psychologists and politicians have done to me. Any attempt to let the full extent of what they have done to me flood into my awareness just makes me want to collapse sobbing and die on the spot. I honestly have no words for how evil and inhumane they have been and still are. The descriptions I have given before can not possibly convey the absolute horrors. I can not deal with it. I can not give it a place. It's made it impossible for me to enjoy or expect anything out of life. I'm a mere shell as a result of their actions.

The thought that the media might not care about this what has happened to me and is happening to me still as well as to countless others in the Netherlands and elsewhere terrifies me. It could not be that other, far less important stories get all the attention when the extermination of a whole group of people is occurring every day? I do not think I could deal with such a disappointment and I pray it isn't the case. There's nothing I can do by myself to improve my situation, after all.

Leaving the Netherlands has proven to be impossible. This month I'll try something less drastic, namely ask for help with moving to the nearby city of Deventer. It'd get me away from the Dutch bible belt, into a less hostile environment and prevent a financial disaster as new laws this year for people on welfare will soon make it impossible for me to stay at my mother's place. It does depend on the generosity of others, though, since I'm not rich and can not rent an apartment for 800 Euro or more a month, which is the starting price for an apartment in the Netherlands. Being around my mom all day is proving to be more and more difficult as well. Not having my own room and being forced to spend every day with the two of us in the same living room is maddening. She has been chewed out by the system for being too old to work and I got my own desperate situation. It's not motivating me, instead making me want to kill myself even more.

I considered titling this post 'Still Red Alert: I'm A Suicide In Progress' or 'Will You At Least Help Me Kill Myself?', but figured that might be a tad extreme. It doesn't take away from the fact that I might very well take those pills later today and die or yet again tear out a few chunks of my own flesh as something snaps inside once more.

This country wants me to die and has nearly succeeded. It's not hope which is keeping me alive any more. Merely a final promise thanks to my current lawyer and the media that my case and situation do matter and that I didn't do anything to deserve my current spiral towards a sudden death. I have never had anyone keep an important promise to me, though.

Why I may or may not be dead before the end of this month... I f*cking wish I could write about happy stuff, but I just HATE everything that is going on now. All people tell me is 'just wait a bit longer', 'it'll be fine', 'you are an example to so many others', 'your existence does matter', and so on. I stopped caring about such meaningless comments. Words ARE meaningless. Only actions mean something.

Like talking about suicide is useless. I wish I can stop talking about it. Only two ways for this to happen. Only one way I can control.


Saturday, 3 March 2012

RTV Oost TV Appearance, Now With Subtitles

Yesterday I subtitled the spoken Dutch in the RTV Oost talk show I was on last Tuesday. I used YouTube's captioning support (CC button) for the first time so that I can use soft-subs instead of embedding the subs into the video. This should improve quality and make corrections much easier. Let me know what you think :)

On the media front not too much is happening yet. More newspapers should be publishing the news and background article today. The largest Dutch newspaper, the Telegraaf, is still on the fence on publishing it since they published an article on me in their magazine (Vrouw). That article however was published in early 2010, two years before I got confirmation via the German surgery and definitely decided to leave the Netherlands. I do hope that they publish it.

See the media page for said article and the English translation: