Saturday, 27 June 2009

Who The Hell Cares Anyway

First of all, I noticed I forgot to upload the actual PDF files of the irregularities report I put online yesterday. My apologies for that. Further, after a report from a reader about the embedded document not showing up, instead display an error message, I decided to investigate the matter and quickly realized that the issue is with Internet Explorer prior to version 8 (the latest). Its implementation of the HTML object tag does not support embedding pages, only plug-ins and applets. Internet Explorer 8 fixes this, though:

In other news, today after doing groceries Pieter and I went to visit the organ store again to further discuss the details of the Hauptwerk-based organ he's going to buy soon. We spent 3.5 hours there. On our way back to the car we stopped by a fast food place to get some ice cream.

At the moment I'm sitting here home alone with Pieter off to a barbecue with some friends he met via World of Warcraft. I just had a pizza for dinner.

I'm not feeling too great, though.

Seriously, I discover that I have been lied to and deceived about my own body by doctors and psychologists and nobody seems to give a damn. I don't know who I can and can not trust anymore. Who cares anyway, right? After all I'm just a freak nobody wants to have in society. That's why those people rather want to see me dead than admit that they were wrong. I keep thinking about ways to kill and maim them, make them suffer at least as much as they have made me suffer those last years.

Really, just forget it... I know I won't harm anyone, I know I can't commit suicide, I know I can't get out of this situation. I don't know why I have to die, just that everyone and everything is forcing me into that direction. And I'm so tired of fighting back against it all...


Friday, 26 June 2009


After Tuesday a lot happened, and didn't happen. On Wednesday I didn't do much at all, just tried to work and doing a fair job of it. Thursday, however, something happened to me.

While I was waiting for my appointment at the beauty salon to get zapped (hair-removal), I noticed a few times that the room was spinning. Then after the treatment was finished, I felt dizzy again the moment I stood up. I didn't think too much of it at that moment. However, when I returned home and after finishing lunch I began to crash. I have never felt more tired, more detached, more weary of everything. All I wanted was to sleep, shut out everything. The rest of that day I spent largely in bed.

Today I was supposed to go to my appointment with my therapist, Engel Vrouwe. Yet moments after getting out of bed I felt the same sense of incredible weariness invading me again, with the same stabbing pains throughout my body and an inability to muster the strength for any task, no matter how small. As it didn't fade, I informed Engel Vrouwe that I would not be able to make it to the appointment. He later called me to tell me that while he would have liked to have seen me, it wasn't crucial.

He also told me that he had been in contact with my insurance company on the matter of the chimera test, and is now waiting on a certain person to call him back. We also made a new appointment on June the 30th, Tuesday, at the house of a female colleague of Engel Vrouwe. He may be present there himself as well, but it isn't certain yet. For now I'll just have to see that I can shake off this weariness before then.

So today I have mostly just been lying on bed, reading and sleeping. I intend to take things really easy the coming days, skipping the party of my grandfather and everything. It may just be that the exhaustion I already experienced due to stress has been worsened by the warm weather, kicking me over the edge.

Anyway, something I did do the past days was compile the irregularities in my case and making a nice document out of it, including some MRI images. It is available in HTML and PDF form at, and also linked to on my main site from the 'about me' page. I have shown it to people already, but not really received many comments on it yet. Most interesting talk on it was with a British friend of mine who is also a chimera. He was able to tell me about when they performed the chimera test on him. Quite interesting.


Tuesday, 23 June 2009

TV Star

This morning I had my intake appointment at De Meregaard. I explained my situation and my intention to get treatment from a therapist due to a psychiatrist not being able to request medical tests. Both doctor Temmerman (quite nice guy) and psychiatrist Oostveen understood this and I'm now waiting on a response from Engel Vrouwe regarding an appointment with him or his colleague. I also sent an email to my insurance company regarding compensation for travel expenses, since I'll have to spend around 25 Euro a trip to the therapist.

A funny thing happened when I was walking back to the train station: on the parking lot of a nearby supermarket there was this car with the engine running and two guys inside it. The one at my side had his window down. When I was walking past them on the sidewalk, he said "Hey, sexy.", after which I just smiled and kept walking. I was wearing a short skirt today, low-cut top and some make-up. Apparently I wasn't looking too bad :P

Anyway, at my arrival home I sent the aforementioned emails and prepared a combined breakfast/lunch which I consumed while watching another episode of Saishuuheiki Kanojo ("She, the ultimate weapon"), one of my all-time favourite anime series. This is the second time I'm watching this series, yet I feel that it evokes a powerful emotional response in me, at least as strong as the first time I watched it. There's an edge of seriousness, of relentlessness to this series which makes it impossible to just watch casually.

After brunch I did some research on handling endianness in a network protocol I'm developing. It's definitely not as easy a subject as it may appear at first glance, there are a lot of arbitrary design decisions to be made, such as whether to use big- or small-endian format (most significant (highest value) bits first or last). Definitely interesting. Around 3 PM I took another 2-hour nap and woke up in time to greet Pieter who returned home.

Before Pieter returned from his work I got a few emails in my inbox, one about the arcade cabinet I have been trying to sell for Pieter for a while now. This guy turned out to be from Belgium, though, and he might not be able to pick up the cabinet until December. So yeah.

The other email was from Omroep Flevoland, the TV channel I was featured on during their news show last year. The email was from the person in charge of a kind of documentary show called 'Vrije Vogels', and in it he wrote that he'd like to have me on that show, which would involve them tracking me for a day to see what kind of person I am. I agreed to cooperating with it. Within 2 weeks I'll receive more details about everything.

Finally, I just made an appointment with Engel Vrouwe for Friday, June 26th, 1.30 PM. It'll be a grueling 3+ hour trip to and from the small town near Leeuwarden where he lives due to me not having access to a car. At least I don't have to pay the full price for my train ticket (40% off). It's still a painful 25 Euro for a roundtrip, though. Let's hope that the request form I sent in Saturday for the Bbz welfare check is accepted soon.

Tomorrow I have nothing scheduled, just regular work, Thursday I get zapped by a laser again (I really need to ask how much longer this treatment is going to take :( ), and Friday I have the appointment with Engel Vrouwe, which will end up taking the entire day (7 hours travel, 2 hours talking). I'll leave home at 10 AM, arrive at my destination at 1.25 PM, talk until 3.30 PM, then travel back to arrive home at around 7-8 PM. Anyone care to give me a ride in his/her car? ^_^;;

It's a bit of a shame that I'll be traveling for so long, since my grandfather has his birthday on Saturday, and I doubt I'll be in the mood to do anything that day after Friday :( It's been over 1.5 years since I have last seen many of the family members who will be present at my grandfather's birthday, and nearly a year since I last saw my grandparents.


Monday, 22 June 2009

Better Working Through Exhaustion

The last few days have really been marked by near-insomnia. I used to sleep before midnight, now I'll be lucky if I can fall asleep before 2 AM. Until then I have no recourse but to wear myself out to the point where these thoughts which plague me almost constantly no longer control me whenever I try to relax. The past nights I have had around 4 hours of sleep, with 2-4 hours during the day to catch up on it. Not that I don't feel exhausted again shortly after waking up.

One thing which isn't suffering under this lack of sleep is my work. I swear I get a thousand-fold more productive when I'm numb from a lack of sleep. It's as though many mental walls seem to fall away, not to mention that my emotional side tends to shut up.

Yesterday at the swimming pool I kind of shut down during the last hour, feeling like I absolutely didn't want to partake in any more silly social and emotional stuff. I also had a weird encounter with a group of girls of about a year or 13. I ended up playing with a ball with them, afterwards one of them asked me how old I was, after that she started to completely avoid me. I have no clue why, but it confuses and pains me.

Tomorrow at 9 AM I have the intake appointment with the psychiatrist at De Meregaard. Specifically I have the intake with a physician, Temmerman, who is later joined by the psychiatrist, Oostveen. Most important thing to cover is the point of having therapy there at De Meregaard, instead of going with the therapist Engel Vrouwe or one of his colleagues, most specifically due to the need for medical tests which would have to be requested. I'll see what they have to say.

Last Friday or so I sent emails on the reasons why I think I'm being deceived by the medical community here to the UMCG, my GP and Engel Vrouwe. The latter responded Saturday with a nice email in which he encouraged the kind of research I was doing, promised me that he would not let things rest if these accusations turn out to be true and reinforced that he agreed on the need for immediate medical tests. Finally he stated that I could most definitely trust him and his colleagues. I'm glad he responded in this manner, since it could also be used against me, by accusing me of being paranoid, ignorant of how to interpret MRI images (even if it really isn't that difficult) and all that. I wonder what my GP and professor Weijmar Schultz of the UMCG will answer, though.

Anyway, as said I have been doing a fair amount of work. Today I spent a few hours researching the potential behind multiple artificial muscle configurations, specifically aimed at magnetic types, which is my favourite type since it seems to offer many benefits over existing types. If only I had some funding to build prototypes...

I have also been working on the KKE game, writing the basic code layout behind the game, its menu structure and such. Many of the resources for the Alpha builds have been prepared already, including most 3D models, and the coming weeks everything will be put together. We may decide to get some reliable people to alpha test some more mature builds to get additional feedback.

This week Trevor is putting a demo together of a basic game, employing many of the features of the game engine, the VSE (Virtual Space Engine), including the physics stuff. It should look pretty spiffy. Expect a video of it soon. I'll be trying to find someone to do the sound for KKE in the mean time, or perhaps try producing something myself if that doesn't work out. I'll see.


Friday, 19 June 2009

Exhaustive Changes

Wednesday Pieter scanned in the documents and referral letter prepared by my GP at the request of the UMCG and emailed them. Later that day professor Weijmar Schultz emailed me, mentioning that he'd be willing to organize an appointment to have the MRI images analyzed in my presence and asked whether I had the MRI scans, which I did. I had him download both sets from my webserver.

Not having napped during the day, I went to lie down and rest a bit at around 8 PM, and promptly fell asleep to wake up at around 12 AM or so. Not wanting to stay awake until I felt sleepy again, I decided to take the sleeping pill available to me and slept until 7 AM afterwards.

Thursday started with an appointment at the dentist's office for a regular check-up, which I passed without any issues. Yay me for proper dental care :) After the dentist appointment I had planned to go the gym since I passed by it on my way back anyway, and so I did. I spent just over an hour there.

A few hours after returning home I received an email from professor Weijmar Schultz, informing me that he had received the MRI scans, and would discuss my case at the next meeting of the gender team of the UMCG on July 1st. This was kind of disappointing news to me. More heartening was the phone call I got from my mother. She had been talking with her therapist, Engel Vrouwe, about my case, and he was very willing to help me. She told me that the insurance company will pay for the therapy sessions and that therapists can also request medical tests, unlike psychologists and psychiatrists. Engel Vrouwe thought that a chimera test would be a very good idea.

For some reason, though, I couldn't stop crying after that phone call, so I didn't send an email to Engel Vrouwe, but planned to do it the next morning. The rest of the day I felt both extremely tired yet was unable to nap or rest. I had a lot of trouble falling asleep at night too, annoying Pieter until he went to bed at around midnight. I managed to fell asleep after a while too, only to awake at 3.30 AM again, with countless thoughts assaulting me, leaving me unable to sleep any more. One thought kept reoccurring for some reason, though, namely that of finding my own evidence in the MRI scans.

I got out of bed and sat down behind my PC, opening up both sets of MRI scans and using Google to find comparison MRIs and anatomical information. I learned a few things. First of all that the conclusions by the German clinics appear to be correct. There is an unmistakable 'tube' running from just around the edge of the bladder down, with the shape, position and orientation matching up perfectly with comparison MRIs and anatomical drawings. It can be seen on both sets of MRI images, both on top and side views. There is no part of male anatomy which would fit this.

Another thing I learned was that whoever interpreted the first set of MRI images at the VUMC should have his/her eyes checked, as the report mentions "two testicles symmetrically with a volume of about 14 mL each", yet on the MRI images themselves only one testicle is visible on all slides, since because my testicles haven't fully descended one of them was retreated into the body and thus not visible. This is also the case on the Erasmus MRI slides.

So in short, it seems that Germany was right that there is at least 'something' and that here in the Netherlands people are 100% wrong on every account, even seeing things which aren't there. I feel quite disappointed that apparently my history at the VUMC before the MRI scan or such has possibly made me a persona non grata in the Dutch medical world and thus caused me to drift for years from hospital to hospital with no one even planning to actually help me. It justifies my feelings of bitterness and pessimism, I guess.

Around 6 AM I had finished my research and by that time felt very weak, sick and nauseous, so I went back to bed, but couldn't sleep until 7 AM, after which I napped for half an hour. I can honestly say I haven't felt as tired and worn-out as I have today, and the day isn't even over yet. The closest I have come so far to this level of tiredness, minus the headache, was when I stayed up 30+ hours straight when flying to/from Canada.

Yet back then I could actually fall asleep, even sleep somewhat on the crappy seats in Economy Class. When I tried to sleep today, though, I simply couldn't, with many thoughts just keeping me awake.

Today I did some other useful things, though. I arranged things with the welfare desk for the BBZ welfare thing. As it turned out their online form wasn't "working as it should", so they never received my request. Fortunately I was able to give my info over the phone, so that I will get the forms tomorrow or next week.

I also sent an email to Engel Vrouwe, telling him that therapy and the benefits it offered sound attractive to me. I will discuss going to a therapist with my psychiatrist next week Tuesday. Main issue with the therapist idea so far is that Engel Vrouwe and a colleague of him both live 2+ hours of travel from me (Leeuwarden and Groningen), which would be kind of expensive in terms of travel expenses. According to Engel Vrouwe I can get some money for this from the government. I'll have to check up on that.

Right now I'm working on bits and pieces for the KKE game, as well as a test world for upcoming games, particularly The Pink Particle and Nuigurumi no Kyuuden. Expect screenshots/videos next month :)


Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Call In The Cops

The days since my last post are all a bit fuzzy to me. I am actually making a lot of progress on developing the code and resources behind our first games, the font stuff is nearly done at this point, mostly lacking testing, I am modelling some 3D models for part of the NK: KKE game and working out the other parts. It's all I really remember of the past days, everything else is pretty much a blur.

Of the items I put for sale a while ago I have sold the TV (got picked up today) and the arcade cabinet (still waiting for a response from the highest bidder). The Sun CRT monitor will unfortunately be recycled tomorrow :( Can't help it, I guess. At least I found a new home for most of them, something I'm glad about, as I have this nasty tendency to feel sorry for inanimate objects. Never can throw stuff away :(

I'm awaiting a response from the BBZ welfare thingy. I discovered that their site only works properly in Internet Explorer, filled in their list of questions, got to a request form, filled it in and submitted it. I probably missed them calling me back at around 4 PM today due to circumstances, though. I hope they call back tomorrow or so.

This morning I began to feel short on breath quite soon after breakfast, tried to get some sleep, but couldn't due to lots of thoughts churning around inside my head. Then around 1 PM I received an email from a forum I used to post at, aimed at bi-sexual girls, a place where I had hoped to get some kind of recognition last year but which failed badly. The email was a general message to all members, but it addressed some things girls do when they're trying to look attractive on a picture in a contest. For some reason this triggered something nasty inside me.

I immediately went to that forum and had my account canceled, but by that time the damage had been done. All of the emotions I had pushed away for the past weeks, the frustrations and thoughts I couldn't deal with all came rushing to the surface and I cried like I have never cried before. I honestly didn't feel like there was anything left about me which was 'normal', or that anything I was doing was useful. It was such an intense feeling of sadness, of pain, of loneliness and frustration.

While experiencing this feeling I did something I had been thinking about a lot lately: send a farewell note. In this case an email to my GP. I felt kind of skittish afterwards that someone might come check up on me due to this email, but that wasn't my primary concern at the time. I had a few choices open to me, cry on my bed for a few hours while nearly ripping the sheets into pieces and probably injuring myself, running to the kitchen to grab a knife and finally end it all, or force myself to perform manual labour to take my mind off things. I chose the latter and was crying through most of the hoovering, dusting and laundry I did. Afterwards I felt slightly better, and decided to watch a video. Then the door bell rang repeatedly, followed by pounding on the door.

Outside I saw a police car parked in front of the house, so I went downstairs to open the door. There were two cops standing there, the guy asking me whether everything was okay. I replied that I had collapsed earlier, but that things were better now. They then requested to come inside which I agreed to. The male cop asked me about what was going on and tried to be sympathetic. I explained the situation briefly. They didn't want to leave me alone in case I might decide to do something foolish after they had left, so they had me call Pieter to come back home from his work to keep an eye on me. After asking for my ID card and writing down my personal details they wished me well and left.

Half an hour later Pieter returned home and we spent the rest of the day together. I still felt and feel even now kind of weirded out by how screwed up my life has become. I don't feel happy or elated that people paid attention to me today, only bitter that I have to send what come down to suicide notes to people to get a rapid response and a listening ear from someone other than a regular person. I wonder how the psychiatrist will respond during my appointment next week Tuesday when I tell her everything what has happened since the last time we talked, including the events in the two months since my GP requested an appointment with her.

I'm not feeling okay at all. Haven't felt okay ever since those bastards at the VUMC told me that they didn't see anything on the MRI scans and refused to do anything else. The past days my mood is bordering on something akin to what I went through last year with the hyperventilation incident, only worse. I'd describe it as something close to a panic-attack. It makes it hard for me to breathe, makes it feel as though I'm only getting a minimal amount of oxygen into my lungs, it makes me feel restless, agitated. My memory is absolutely worthless and I experience more swings than moods.

Tomorrow Pieter will make an appointment for me at the UMCG with that sluggish doctor, as it seems to be the only way to get a quick answer. Of course, there's the possibility that it'll take a month or so to get an appointment. I'm betting on 2-4 weeks.

I really can't stand it anymore... seeing all those people all happy with their bodies, including Pieter, thinking and doing things which make me feel completely sick, shocked and miserable inside. What really is the point of trying anymore? I feel like I have lost this war for my identity already, after 4.5 years there possibly can't be anything that's going to change.

All this pain inside makes me wish for eternal peace...


Friday, 12 June 2009

Asocial Behaviours

To say that I'm a foul mood right now is somewhat of an understatement. First of all I didn't sleep that well, despite taking a sleeping pill and it kicking in dramatically like before. While under the influence of the sleeping pill my headache and nausea got so bad that I felt like dying. That I didn't do, but I did have quite a restless sleep until about 6 AM, waking up feeling quite out of things.

I just returned from a trip to the city's Social Services office, for a welfare request using the BBZ. What I hadn't been told on their site was that those requests all go via the office in Lelystad, the other big city in this province. This made me feel kind of annoyed already. Then I got something more to get annoyed about thrown in front of me.

First a bit of background information: on Dutch trainstations it is not allowed to smoke except directly around certain pillars in so-called smoking zones, which are clearly indicated. To not do so is to risk a fine.

When I was standing there on the platform of the trainstation of Almere Centre waiting on my train, I saw this couple standing a few meters away, with the guy lighting up a cigarette. When I could smell the smoke of it wafting towards my position I decided I'd ask him to relocate himself. This I did, but instead of him acknowledging that he shouldn't be smoking there he decided to be a wise guy and tried to brush it off. This he shouldn't have done. I forced the cigarette out of his hand onto the ground and put it out, which lead to him calling me asocial and stuff, despite him knowing that he was doing something illegal, was bothering others with it and had refused a polite request to move to a smoking zone. Of course I didn't deem him worthy of more than this summary of facts and further ignored him.

Personally I feel that a lot of people even beyond smokers, though smokers are some of the worst, are completely asocial. If you ask the average person to pick up some litter he dropped on the ground, he'll look at you whether you just went crazy. Heck, a while ago someone was beaten up in the middle of a busy street, and people simply ignored it. "Not my business" or something. I addressed this smoker on the trainstation platform because he was bothering me and others, yet his response was basically that he didn't give a damn. How cute. I hope he and his girlfriend die in a horrible accident today. Also because I don't want to end up paying for his cancer treatments later on.

I'm all in favour of banning smoking in all public places, including buildings and roads, much like in California. It's a nuisance to those who don't smoke and possibly even dangerous to those afflicted with asthma or worse. I would also like to see people who smoke to pay more for their healthcare insurance, simply to compensate for their unhealthy way of living. Yes, I'm asocial like that. Screw them.


Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Utter Despair

On Monday I didn't go to the gym even after an invitation by gym girl as I was feeling nauseous. Instead I went to bed at around 8 PM, woke up shortly at around 10, felt absolutely terrible, mentally and physically, took a sleeping pill which didn't work, started crying and throwing pillows through my room, got comforted by Pieter and slept until the next morning afterwards.

Tuesday I primarily did some research on welfare, as a way to get temporary income until we can release our games. I thought I could get it via the regular method, a law called the WWB, but since I have a company I found myself directed to another provision, called the BBZ, for which I need to visit the local Social Services ('Sociale Zaken') here in Almere. I was planning to do that the next day.

That night, however, I went to bed at around 9.30 PM, tried to sleep for a while but felt so restless, so agitated and disgusted with my body that I ended up seeking comfort upstairs with Pieter, after first crying for a while and punching myself repeatedly. While I was sitting there, watching Pieter play in World of Warcraft, getting wiped against the same boss over and over again, I just couldn't help stop crying. I must have cried for nearly an hour or so. I just felt so much despair inside me. Pure, raw despair.

As I told Pieter this, he said he'd call the UMCG tomorrow to ask about their progress there, possibly make an appointment. After crying a lot more, I ultimately felt so drained that I decided to go back to bed, after which I fell into a rather restless sleep.

Today I woke up feeling numb inside. I actually did some programming on the AI I have been working on for a while. It's also the first application I'm writing in Ada, which is an interesting experience, but very pleasant so far. Later that day I had to take a 2.5 hour nap, though, as I felt completely exhausted. I felt a lot better after that nap.

I returned from the gym about an hour ago and took a shower earlier. As I'm sitting here I feel rather disgusted with everything. Or perhaps bitter. Or perhaps disappointed. Or a bit of everything. I got an email from my mother yesterday, telling me that she won't talk with Engel Vrouwe about my case until the 18th. She also told me that I'm invited to a dinner at my older brother's house with my mother and younger brother. I really don't feel like going as I absolutely loathe to see my brother together with his current girlfriend. Lately my hatred/jealousy/whatever of males and my disgust at seeing them together with females has taken on such a strong form that I don't even want to consider the thought.

Pieter also forgot to make that phone call today. Now I have no idea when he'll be able to call. Not that it matters, I guess. I won't ever get a real identity at this rate, leaving me only to curse the day I was born with this freakish body. I don't want this stupid body. I never asked for it. I hate it. It disgusts me. I can't stand watching others being all happy with their bodies. All that I have is my intelligence. I wish I could just rip out my emotions and never feel anything again.


Monday, 8 June 2009

You've Reached The Office Of Psychiatrist Maya...

Sunday I spent another morning at the swimming pool in Almere-Stad. This time I encountered the Chinese family as usual, which was fun, in addition to another family with three children I had met before. In addition to that I spent the last hour or so talking to an Afghani man about relationships, our youths and lots of other things. I got a lot of compliments from him on my smile, giggle and such :P

The rest of the day I spent on taking pictures of some items I'm selling online, or rather some items Pieter is throwing away and which I'm trying to make a buck off :) They include a JVC 26" CRT TV which just needs a whack now and then to keep the image visible, a 21" Sun CRT monitor with dual-inputs which needs a slight adjusting of its electron guns or so to get rid of some faint coloured lines and finally a Killer Instinct arcade cabinet. This cabinet includes the cabinet itself, the original power supply and only lacks the mainboard and monitor. I put the ads for those items on, which is owned by eBay, but is less greedy towards buyers and sellers (most actions and categories are free).

Last night I had the option of taking a sleeping pill, but I had been feeling so tired during the day, to the point where I found myself completely dozing off before 8 PM, that I was fairly certain I'd sleep okay without help. In the end I slept from 10 PM to 6.30 AM, which is quite long compared to the past months. I felt weird, though, with the usual nausea and odd feeling around my abdomen/tummy which passed after a few hours. Right now I'm feeling relatively okay.

I had a nap today from 11 AM to 1 PM because I was feeling incredibly exhausted again. I'm still not feeling 100% right now, but better, especially after a forceful reminder by my body after waking up that it definitely believes it has something closely resembling a vagina. I must say that it's hard to deny the physical structures and responses I feel 'down there'. Very confusing. Also, I really hope the walls of my room are soundproof enough.

Further I have been doing some work today, mostly working on some code we'll be using throughout our games, like functions which deal with putting text on the screen. It's a lot more involved than one may think at first sight. Essentially one takes in a single character code at a time, say in UTF-8 encoding. This character code is the position of the character glyph (symbol) in the font archive, such as a TTF (true type) file. The font archive once loaded into memory is also called a 'font face', as it determines how the resulting text will look.

We'll be using UTF-8 throughout our games for text. While not all fonts have the full Unicode set of characters for all languages included, it nevertheless means that we'll have a common standard for all text strings in our code and thus with the proper fonts things will display as intended which takes a lot of guess work out of matters. Kind of like the pain of viewing foreign websites before UTF-8 became common there. I really don't miss switching between encoding types in Netscape (yes, 4.7x) and Mozilla (I started using it at M16).

In other news, I should follow my own advice and use magnets to keep screws together whenever I'm taking something apart. I've got two small, black screws somewhere on the carpet or bed or somewhere else in my room and I have no clue where they might be. I feel stupid now.


Saturday, 6 June 2009

First Nightmare

I just woke up from my first nightmare ever. Before I start the analyzing and crying and everything, I first wanted to write it down:

I felt like I had been waiting for someone to save me from this, but then I knew with certainty that this person would not be helping me. I was lying on an operating table, I could see a surgeon preparing some equipment one of which looked very much like a scythe. I watched on in fear. Then the surgery started and I felt something penetrate my lower back, causing tremendous pain, even through the sedation or so which I had been given.

Then they stopped and I felt the pain lessen. One doctor in the room said something like "Let's see whether your larynx is still compatible now." and I saw these clear plastic tubes being assembled, a T-shape. Then my voice was being tested without me consciously doing the talking or such. I just felt myself wondering some related things, including how normal my voice seemed if I didn't pay too much attention to it or so, what they had done to me, whether I now had an Adam's apple or so.

Then I heard doctor De Ronde of the VUMC talking together with some others, things I don't really recall anymore, but which were essentially nonsense medical stuff, things I knew to be false, but which he stated with certainty. I felt both outrage and fear throughout it.

The next moment I found myself caught in the realization that I had to escape. I left the operating table, left the room, found myself running through corridors, past people who hardly paid notice to me, first screaming, then yelling for help. Then I found myself in a dead end, and I knew this would be the end.


Thursday, 4 June 2009


The events of last Tuesday apparently had affected me more than I had expected. As you may have noticed on my Twitter stream, I couldn't sleep until 3 AM, resulting in me getting about 3 hours of sleep that night.

At the gym yesterday I wasn't feeling too well. My gym girl noticed it soon already and I told her a bit about what had happened the day before, involving an argument with a friend and that I was feeling kind of upset about it still. I was still feeling out of it even after that first conversation, though. Gradually I began to develop this piercing headache until I couldn't really do any exercises anymore.

While we were sitting at the bar in the gym, we came upon the topic of going to a sauna or so, at which point gym girl recalled an offer for a spa, called the 'Zwaluwhoeve' here in the Netherlands. If things work out we'll be going there this month with our regular trainer, gym girl and her sister. And me of course. I feel kind of nervous/scared about it, though, as always when it comes down to the physical body, I'm constantly reminded of the fact that I'm... different. I'm still not sure how to think about it exactly, or how to handle it. It really does bother me, though.

Today was another confrontation with this difference. We had EU elections today here in the Netherlands. First time I voted using a paper ballot, by the way. As I may have mentioned before, on my election pass (required to vote) I received by mail my official name was listed, preceded by the dutch version of 'Mr'. At the election office when Pieter and I went to vote the man behind the table did say that the election pass said 'Mr' and that it wasn't right. Even though my ID card confirmed it as well, I was still allowed to vote after telling him it was 'a long story'.

I still felt quite embarrassed, though. I also don't know what the people there were thinking. As said before, I absolutely can't stand it when people think I'm some disgusting transsexual or so. I hate it how I can't seem to value my body at all simply because I don't know what it is and things are so confusing to my environment as well. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Today it's also only 3 more months until my next birthday, a thought which incredibly depresses me. I feel like my life is a gigantic waste, especially with me having been given this retarded body which I can stand less and less every day. What really is the point of it?


Tuesday, 2 June 2009


So I was communicating with this one friend for a few weeks, sending text messages, emails and calling each other. Then I didn't receive a reply to one email, then multiple, then she didn't pick up the phone anymore. Reading her blog she seemed to be doing relatively fine, she just seemed to be ignoring me.

After sending an email today telling that I'll just leave things at this and wasn't expecting an answer anymore, I got back an angry email in which I got accused of being uncaring and insensitive and much more. This after only sending her nice emails asking whether she was okay and such. I sent back an email trying to tell her that she was overreacting, I just got back more of the same rant, so after one more attempt I just left things at that. I doubt we'll ever talk again.

Communication is a precious commodity when it comes to a relationship, whether it's about friendship or more. The ability to value each other and ask the other when one isn't sure about something is what makes a relationship grow. A refusal to talk, to at least summarize certain things or explain why one doesn't want to talk about something, to open oneself at least to some extent, it's something which makes a relationship impossible. Period.

When I look at the people I would truly call 'Great Friends', among them Pieter and of course my dear friend Trevor, there is the same thing: communication. With my best friends I can talk about anything, I'll listen to anything in return and I know that we'll be there for each other no matter what. Such people are a rarity, though.

While I haven't had a great deal of social experience, I do have observed and studied humanity for years, and I think I have an understanding of certain things which most people seem to lack. Although initially it may seem like I'm a cold, distant person, when I do open up, I notice that people instantly seem to like me and open up to me as well. I guess it helps that I have experienced so many things, both pleasant and painful, that I have developed an understanding of the highs and lows of life, allowing me to put most things into perspective. It's probably also why I think too much about stuff :)

Anyway, I'm going back to work now, I just had to say these things. See you all later.


A Pale View Of Hills

Not much to report... I'm waiting for responses from Groningen (UMCG) and from Engel Vrouwe to see what I can expect from either of them. I have contacted two national broadcasters (VARA: 'Zembla', AVRO: 'Vinger aan de pols') to learn whether they might be interested in my case for one of their shows. Not expecting anything, been disappointed too often already to hope for anything.

Anyway, I went to the gym on Saturday and yesterday. I talked a bit with my gym girl about my situation. She can accept that me pursuing acknowledgement and help from doctors isn't merely to get the facts about my body, something few people seem to deem relevant for some reason, but that to get my official name and gender changed requires a doctor to give permission. I'll never want to live as a guy, have never really made the attempt to do so any time during my life, and thus it's only reasonable to have my official identity match my desired identity as closely as possible.

I guess I'll have to ask 'gym girl's' permission to use her real name on my blog or a nickname or so to make life easier for me and you, my dear reader :)

Moving on, the sleeping pill I had last night was awesome in its suddenly taking effect. One moment I was chatting a bit on IRC, then within a second I just lost my ability to focus my eyes properly, let alone think straight. I don't recall how I got downstairs from the computer room to my bed or got out of my clothes. I recall struggling to read a chapter in my current book ('Passage to Dawn', R.A. Salvatore), putting the book away and probably falling asleep really quickly afterwards.

Right now I'm experiencing the 'flat' mood common to using a sleeping pill. It's kind of comfortable, as it takes out the highs and lows in my emotional state, leaving me more focused on things which matter, like the pile of work I have ahead of me this week.

First there is the site I have to finish for Jan, then this mysterious Nyanko Net project, plus Trevor will finish the game engine tools this week and I'm starting today on writing the initial game code. I can't wait to see the intro animation for our NyanKana: Kana & Kanji Explored (KKE) game :) of course, it'll also be a painful reminder that we still haven't found an audio guy :P

The title of this blog entry refers to the title of one of my favourite books by Ishiguro Kazuo ( ), my favourite book being his 'An Artist of a Floating World', which is one of the few books I have actually bought and which I treasure like no other book. When I first read it, during high school, I had to read the book again a week later, just because it was so absolutely beautiful, with me even shedding a few tears at the end. With Ishiguro's books it is often hard to put down exactly what is beautiful about it... I'd say it's mostly in the atmosphere his stories create rather than through any specific elements in them. Definitely a recommended read :)