Sunday, 25 December 2011

Contemplating On A Merry XMas

Around this time last year the situation at the previous place where I lived was reaching a climax, with my then housemate and I pretending that things were fine while we were unpacking the XMas gifts under the tree. It was a forced charade which quickly worsened as my now ex-housemate and the girl (now one of my stalkers) he was dating back then putting more and more pressure on me to make me leave the place, and to humiliate and degrade me by insisting that I wasn't intersex but a crazy guy and other unpleasantness.

Early January the constant bullying led to me taking an overdose of sleeping pills. I will never forget the incredible peace I felt while I was swallowing them down with some water. Before I did all that I had brushed my hair and done my usual morning chores in the full realization that it would be the very last time I would ever do that. The last time I would see my face in the mirror. The last time I would brush my hair. The last time I'd worry about the condition of my skin. I do not remember passing out.

Waking up in the hospital afterwards was the most horrible experience ever, though I didn't realize this until the next day when the effects of the sleeping pills had worn off. I wanted to go back so badly to that peaceful feeling while I was taking those sleeping pills.

Since that suicide attempt things have changed, some good (surgery in Germany) others bad (beaten up by police for no reason and suffering permanent health consequences). Looking back I can't say that my life on the whole has significantly improved. Moving on from the medical madness I have now entered into the legal madness as I try to come to grips with what in heaven's name has happened to me and why those Dutch physicians and psychologists felt the need to abuse and torture me like that. I still don't understand it one bit, nor do I understand why the police felt the need to hurt me inside and outside.

When I did the interview with Sarah Hill a few days ago she paraphrased from part of my blog:

"Above all I know, I feel, I realize, I am aware, I am pained, I want to run away from the fact that I am a freak.

Maybe I'm not a freak, but I can not convince myself that I am not. The questions of what I am and what my place in society is are too strong and too fundamental to be shoved aside, or answered with external help.

This morning I did manage to take a shower even though it's still hard to see my own body in a mirror. It's my own small victory. For a brief moment."

I think that with this bit Sarah really captured what lies at the heart of my struggles. I can not accept myself nor my situation and my environment has to help me with this, while it isn't capable of doing so.

The past weeks I have had to state what I think about social networks like Google+ and how they have and are helping me. I will admit that Google+ has led to some useful contacts, resulting in the interview with Sarah Hill, but as a whole it's mostly negative. There are some people on Google+ who are suffering from an inflated ego and have hurt me by being ignorant. Yesterday and earlier today I had to leave a video chat Hangout on Google+ because they were talking rather vulgarly about sexuality, setting off my traumas. It makes me feel like I'm just a small, hurt child at those moments.

Last Friday I was returning from an appointment in the nearby city of Deventer when I was waiting to cross a busy road. I found myself wondering how much damage those speeding cars could do to my body if I jumped in front of one. With a cold, analytical and emotionally detached feeling I imagined how it'd crush my bones and probably leave me crippled.

I don't think I have progressed much from that moment in early January of this year. I still search for that peaceful feeling, the feeling that everything is finally the way it should be. I'm not sure I'll find it anywhere but in death.

Merry XMas.


Friday, 23 December 2011

Aftermath Of My U_News Interview With Sarah Hill

The news story can be found on the KOMU 8 website:

"MID-MISSOURI - Maya Posch shared her story on U_News Thursday. She is an intersex individual trying to raise awareness about people who are born neither male nor female. Maya says people often make the mistake of calling "intersex" individuals "transsexual". Posch says she will remain intersex and is blogging about her experience caught between the lines of male and female. Posch lives in the Netherlands where she says her condition is listed as a "disorder". She disagrees with that classification. You can watch her video clip below or read about her situation on her blog at"

First part of the interview:

Second part of the interview:

The backstage video:


Thursday, 22 December 2011

My Interview On U_News With Sarah Hill

As posted [1] by Sarah Hill on Google+ yesterday:

"Thursday on U_News, we'll interview +Maya Posch . Maya was born Intersex. This is an issue people in Missouri hear very little about on their local news. Maya is sharing her story in hopes that others like her can find support and information they need.
You can watch U_News streaming on Google Plus at 4pm Central Time in the US or watch it on TV in Columbia, MO on +KOMU 8 News .......or watch online and chat with Maya behind the scenes of the newscast here."

I will be online around 10.40 PM my time (UTC+1) for the pre-show checks. The interview itself will take a few minutes. Definitely looking forward to this interview, and hoping that more media attention will result from it. Props to Sarah Hill and US journalists in general as they seem to be the most open about and interested in this topic.



Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Laughing Out Loud, While I'm Crying Inside

Quick news updates: I got an email from my lawyer regarding the lawsuit, it's taking a while because she had to work through the massive file, and her medical adviser now has to work through the same file, while trying to find specialists who can advise but whom are not involved with the hospitals mentioned in my file. This means that no one associated with the VUMC, UMCG, Erasmus or AMC hospitals can advice, or simply put most of the major hospitals in the Netherlands. I'm supposed to get feedback from my lawyer on what the medical adviser decides during early January next year. I'm still waiting for updates on the legal gender change from my other lawyer.

I had an article on social networks published at Media Tapper [1], recorded the SociologG+ video I put on my blog a few days ago, and tomorrow I have an interview on Sarah Hill's show about my story, which gets broadcast locally in Missouri and also via Google+ and other places.

I also applied at Nokia a while ago, as a Technical Writer for the Qt framework. Yesterday I had my first interview for it and it went quite well. Got two more interviews coming up, first another one by phone, then one in-person. If everything goes well I could have said job by February next year and be moving to Oslo, Norway.

I'm having major issues with my right knee at the moment, with severe swelling and numbness only kept in check with regular icing and 1,800 mg of ibuprofen a day. I initially got an appointment with a specialist for it on February 6th, but got it changed to December 30th. Before it I'll have an X-ray. I'll probably need an MRI scan and possibly surgery depending on the results. A cracked meniscus seems quite likely, with the police beating in May this year the likely cause.

Moving on, things seem to be moving in the right direction, yet I can't seem to shake off this crushing feeling of unease. When sitting in a Google+ Hangout (video chat in a group), I often notice myself laughing out loud and acting normal, yet it's like I'm watching someone else. I don't feel happy inside, or 'normal'. It's as though I'm two people: an inside and an outside one. The inside one tries to show itself, but it's hard to do.

The inside person is the PTSD, the DID, the other traumas. It cries and feels miserable. It longs and is denied. Sometimes things invert and the inside person becomes the outside person, which is when everyone can see it. It's however a horrible and terrifying thing. I can not possibly face what has happened to me and what is still happening. It's too big, too major, too terrifying, too incomprehensible. Just touching the frayed, shadowy edges of this terrible blob inside makes me so scared that death seems preferable to confronting it.

I hope that through telling my story via the media, like what Sarah Hill is allowing me to do tomorrow, I can finally deal with those traumas, and cause positive things to happen for both me and others.



Saturday, 17 December 2011

My SocioloG+ Talk

Video I recorded for +SocioloG+ at Google+, talking a bit about how Google+ plays a role in my attempts to make my story known.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Once A Freak, Always A Freak

It's already light outside when I open my eyes, gradually waking up from a deep sleep. Barely remembered scenes from dreams flit through my mind as a leaden weariness creeps upon me. Today I'm waiting again for news from my lawyers but likely won't hear anything. Today I'll trying to focus on my work again, even though it's hard to imagine what I'm working for. I find myself thinking of writing a new blog post, partially to help me order my thoughts, partially to hopefully make people realize how hard it is for me to keep going on living.

Of course, I do not wish to be melodramatic, so it has to be phrased in such a manner that it evokes understanding, not revulsion or otherwise scare people away or have them dismiss me as yet another crazy person. I start putting a few different drafts together in my head.

One of the first feelings I experienced right after waking up was one of despair mixed with revulsion, its focus being my body. I still can't handle the knowledge that I essentially do not have any genitals. I have no idea what to do with it, other than realize that it makes me into a freak. Then a common question pops up in my head:

"You do feel like a woman, right?"

So many people have asked me this. So many physicians and psychologists have asked me the same question or variations on it. It's at the very core of my traumas. The only answer I can give to it is that I don't know. I don't know what 'feeling like a woman' means. I only know that being alive with this body has caused me only confusion and pain. Confusion because my body never adhered to the development I saw when others entered puberty. Pain when I realized seven years ago that I was a freak of nature. Pain when it was denied by physicians and psychologists that my body was different from a male's body even though it was so obvious. Pain when it was expected of me to adapt straight into a female role.

I don't know what my role or place in society is. Heck, I don't know what I am. A genital-less, asexual being which exists in a world where there is no place for it. Maybe. After seven years of brainwashing and emotional torture in the Dutch healthcare system I'm not sure what to feel any more. Admitting that I am a sexual being is difficult enough. While I fondly remember some parts of back when I was intimate with others, mostly the closeness and the pleasurable physical and emotional sensations, those memories become insignificant by the dark shadows cast by intense self-loathing, doubts and confusion.

I'm now twenty-eight years old and yet I don't feel like I'm older than ten years when it comes to things like sexuality. I guess I did get stuck there all those years ago. I'm supposed to be an adult - a woman according to most - but I don't feel like it at all. Early in my childhood I lost the feeling of safety and sureness when I got stuck between 'the boys' and 'the girls'. The issues I have when it comes to accepting my body and the confusion I associate with sexuality started a long time ago. On top of those issues came the traumas due to the brainwashing and the rape/sexual assault, magnifying the existing issues many-fold.

I'm lost.

I'm afraid.

Afraid that if I continue living things will become even worse.

Afraid that I'm doing everything wrong, that it's already too late to right things now.

Afraid that when I ask help people will pretend to help me again, or otherwise hurt me.

Lost as every path I have tried seems to take me somewhere unpleasant.

Above all I know, I feel, I realize, I am aware, I am pained, I want to run away from the fact that I am a freak.

Maybe I'm not a freak, but I can not convince myself that I am not. The questions of what I am and what my place in society is are too strong and too fundamental to be shoved aside, or answered with external help.

This morning I did manage to take a shower even though it's still hard to see my own body in a mirror. It's my own small victory. For a brief moment.


Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Intersex, Sexuality... And Me...

- How my intersex condition has shaped my life.
- How my environment has responded to it.
- Getting introduced to sexuality... and the consequences.
- Dutch intolerance and persecution as the worst part.
- Me as a person beyond sexuality and being intersex.



Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Taking Action: Day One

After the previous blog post I mentioned that it'd be great if this week turned out to be positive. As nothing happens on its own, I decided to jump straight into the action and try to get as many things done this week as possible.

Today I first went to the dentist to make an appointment there after their constant failures to call me back. Tomorrow morning I have an appointment. Score. Next I went to make an appointment with my family doctor because my knee wasn't feeling quite alright yet. Made an appointment for Thursday morning. After that I went to the local office of my insurance company.

First I discussed the letter I had received from them involving the coverage overview for the last bill I had sent them: the German hospital bill. As I suspected they had not paid the bill, instead rejecting it despite assurances before that I just had to send in the bill to get it settled. Apparently the person who handled the bill didn't check my file and note that I got granted coverage for the surgery. This should be corrected soon now.

Next I handed in the bill I got for the electrolysis therapy (800+ EURO for the past few months) and confirmed that the request had been permanently denied. When I noted to the lady who was helping me, who has helped me many times before and who is following my story as well, that I would be passing things on to my lawyer now, she told me that I could also contact the SKGZ, the Stichting Klachten en Geschillen Zorgverzekeringen, an organization which handles complaints from costumers regarding their health insurance. They offer this service for free, so I decided to try this first. Later this week I'll get mailed further details and I'll have to send in copies of all the relevant communications.

That settled things with regard to items I could take care of today, I thought. That was until my knee suddenly started hurting a lot during the late afternoon and later turned almost completely numb to the touch. It reminded me strongly of what I had gone through with the same leg in May of this year after the beating I received from the police. After a while it got so bad that I had to call the ER for an appointment and head over there.

The good news is that I probably won't need surgery on my knee. The bad news is that I have an infection in my knee and things are inflamed right now, causing the pain. The doctor who treated me was puzzled by the re-occurrence of the same symptoms after a number of months, until he noted that a cracked meniscus could be responsible. I got prescribed anti-inflammatory medication (ibuprofen 600 mg) and I'll have to get a referral for an MRI scan of the knee from my family doctor. I got asked to describe what had happened to my knee during the beating (not mentioning it was caused by the police, focusing on the relevant parts only), and admitted that I didn't know it exactly but that according to my mother I was forced repeatedly with my knees against the ground. Blunt impact force, in other words, directly on the meniscus. Depending on the results of the MRI scan I may decide to file a complaint with the police.

At least I now know what the probable cause of the issues with my knee and leg are and can work on fixing things. It's also important progress.

I also got an email from that one German company who had offered me a job that I had failed their programming test and won't be invited for an interview. Considering the poor state of said programming assignment in terms of requirements I'm quite glad I won't be working for them and wasn't hesitant to tell them this in my last email to them. I'll be focusing on the projects my awesome friend Trevor, who really is incredibly patient with silly me, and maybe finally manage to turn them into successful commercial projects very soon now.

Finally, tomorrow I'm expecting to receive the replacement for my broken Corsair headset and I firmly intend to finally do another video log entry. Run away scared now, my little lambs~


Sunday, 4 December 2011

Chronic Stress Makes Me Wish I Was Dead

Recently I have been saying that I would soon do another video log, but I fear it'll have to wait. I'm still far too emotionally unstable at this point. This morning I once again couldn't stop crying shortly after waking up, and ended up trying to strangle myself again. I only blacked out for a moment as a result, and have a sore throat as well. It wasn't me who did this, but one of the monsters which lurk inside my head. I'm under too much stress at this point to hold them back. I have also written before about how it has been shown that emotional and physical pain mean the same thing to the brain [1].

The legal gender change request has been received by the courthouse in Almelo but nothing has been done with it. This a week after they received it. I hope the judge looks at it next week.

I haven't heard back from my other lawyer regarding the lawsuit yet. I have no idea what is happening there and how long it may take before the lawsuit is approved. I need this lawsuit to validate and put to use the past seven years of torture. Without it I'll have suffered pretty much for nothing as the Dutch hospitals can continue their maltreatment of intersex but also transsexual people.

I got offered a job in Germany earlier this week. Moving to another country is a stressful thing no matter what, and though I'm glad that I might be leaving the Netherlands for good within a couple of months, I'm worried about whether I'll like the new job and the environment there. I'm also worried about combining it with all those legal cases.

This week I'll probably be starting another lawsuit, this one against my insurance company for not granting me full coverage on electrolysis therapy. They have been pushing me around on this issue for months, resulting in me submitting the request four times and every time receiving conflicting feedback from them about whether a request has been denied or not, the reasons, whether additional information I have sent them has been received, etc. I feel I should get the coverage because my situation in this area is technically the same as for transsexuals and they do get full coverage.

To top it off, my dentist office is acting really weird. This year they have repeatedly promised to call me back later when I call for an appointment yet they never do. Tomorrow I'll go there in person and ask them what is going on.

I do not wish to be dramatic. I do not wish to make things look larger than they are. I do not wish to do anything that is morally or otherwise wrong. I do not wish to hurt myself.

I want to live and keep trying to find ways to do so, but if it's through a haze of pain, living is a bloody hard thing to do. One can only ignore the increasing pain for so long before giving into it.