Friday, 30 September 2011

Finally, Planning My German Surgery Vacation Trip

My awesome friend Sandra just emailed me that she has made an appointment for me in Hamburg for the orchiectomy surgery. I'll be traveling there on October 13th, have the surgery on the 14th and stay there a few days to recover.

While I still feel a bit apprehensive about the whole thing, I'm mostly feeling relief at things finally moving forward and me being able to organize things again. There's nothing I hate more than depending on others. I guess I'm more of a leader type, as suggested by the personality tests I have done in the past.

The coming time I still have to arrange a few things, most notably the insurance coverage which has to be requested by the German physician, and the travel plan to/from the Hamburg hospital. The trip will cost me somewhere around 70-80 Euro, which is reasonable. I just hope I don't have to foot the bill for the procedure itself as well. It'll come down to the cooperation of the German physician there, I guess.

I'll be contacting my lawyer about the legal gender change as well, considering that a surgery date has been set. It's perhaps possible that she can file the request already, or at least prepare for it.

To be quite honest I'm looking forward to the trip. Going to a place where people will help me and where I'll spend a few days getting looked after. It should be quite pleasant. Only thing I hope is that I do have internet access there and can maybe take my laptop with me :D

Finally I would like to mention Sandra again, without whom I wouldn't be typing this. It's an awesome example of how people can help each other. Everybody knows a few other things than others, and a few other people who could be useful. That's why people shouldn't be afraid to lend their knowledge and network contacts to others. It's how society functions.


My Current Problem In A Nutshell

  • Nearly seven years ago I went to the first Dutch hospital's gender team to attempt to get medical help with my intersex condition, to figure out what was going on and what my options were.
  • During those years multiple Dutch physicians and psychologists tried to brainwash me into believing that I was transsexual, etc. Sex-Reassignment Surgery (SRS) was more than merely suggested as 'solution'. Tests (mosaic test report, MRI reports) were faked.
  • Two German clinics confirmed that I am a hermaphrodite.
  • I have been suffering from severe Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and probably other traumatic disorders for a number of years now, as confirmed by my psychotherapist. This is directly caused by the Dutch medical system and related.
  • An EMDR therapist I went to refused to treat my PTSD as it's too strong right now, due to the lack of medical help. The treatment could harm me.
  • I need to find a country to move to where I can get away from the causes of my traumas (the Dutch medical and related systems), where I can get medical help and trauma care. Moving away is the first priority.
  • Germany would be a good option except that I do not speak German, which makes it hard to impossible to find a job there. A country like Canada has good medical care, no bias against intersex people and a healthy economy, plus English is my primary language, allowing me to blend right in. It has my preference at the moment.


Thursday, 29 September 2011

A Day In The Life Of A Stranger In A Strange Land

This morning I once again woke up in what could be called my room, but isn't really. It's filled with full moving boxes and all the other elements of my life which I had to postpone while I try to find a way out of what seems like an impossible to change descent into death. It's a depressing sight, not to mention a constant reminder that things still aren't alright.

I had to take a shower this morning as I had an appointment at the beauty salon in Deventer. It's not easy for me to take showers any more, as it is a confrontation with this body of mine, which is a constant, painful reminder that it is what caused my life to spiral downwards like this. Or maybe it wasn't and it is this country I was born in which is responsible for what happened to me. I don't like assigning blame. I just want to do fun things in life and people to not be mean to others. Even if they're just following protocol. Following protocols, regulations and laws isn't being humane.

The stress of arranging such a simple surgery due to the difficulties encountered has pushed me over the edge in many ways. I couldn't even brush my teeth this morning without it causing me to start feeling nauseous and throwing up the breakfast I had consumed an hour before. I hate throwing up. It makes you feel so terrible and weak. Yet the stress is only going to get worse from here on. I wonder what's worse than throwing up which is caused by extreme, chronic, untreated stress? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Anyway, I digress. I was talking about my difficulty with taking showers as it confronts me with my body. Being confronted with the moving boxes in the room I sleep in, and the problem formed by my body. This morning I was also expecting to hear news from another clinic in Germany via my friend Sandra regarding the orchiectomy. That news turned out to be a 6 week wait for a EUR 150 intake. No good option. I still don't get why the Münster clinic need so long either to decide whether they want to help me. Eventually I succumbed and just told Sandra to arrange an appointment for next week, even if it was in Hamburg. Somehow it has to be done. I have been stuck on arranging this minor, 30-minute surgery for one and a half month now. It's part of the tragedy that is my life, it seems.

Thus I spent today's morning. Around noon I left for the trainstation for my appointment at the beauty salon. As I don't like to dress shabbily when going outside, I was wearing black leggings, short jeans and a white T-shirt with a colourful print on it featuring a French text. I put on some makeup as well. Just some mascara and eye-liner. I was glad it was a nice warm and sunny day today. I'm still not comfortable thinking about myself as a regular woman, though. There's still so much missing inside of me, not to mention the years of mental abuse by psychologists and physicians who tried to brainwash me into thinking that I had to be a guy. That on top of years of self-delusion which took me two decades to snap out of. I'm neither a guy or girl. I'm... something. I need therapy and help to get over this.

Going to Deventer by train was very familiar. Been going there for months now for these electric epilation treatments. While in the train I spent my time reading a newspaper I found there and in my current book, Stephen King's Black House. It's a good book so far. It's co-authored by Peter Straub, another of my favourite authors.

After getting off the train and not forgetting to check out with my digital public transport card, I walked out of the station hall into Deventer. I had to don my sunglasses as it was very sunny today. I made it to the beauty salon well on time as usual. I chatted a bit with some of the interns who work there, most of whom already know about my situation. I notice that I really enjoy this weekly bit of social interaction. It makes me almost feel like I'm not a reject of society. Until the appointment is over and I leave the salon, of course.

The electric epilation treatment is going quite well. Last week the beautician asked me to stop shaving part of the area that is being treated as she really can't see the hairs there otherwise. They're just getting too small. After the first treatment I got a back massage from one of the interns. They get to practice that way, and I get a free massage. I think it's a pretty fair trade, although part of me feels a bit guilty because I don't feel like I am giving back enough. I have that a lot. The massage was followed by another round of electric epilation. Most of the long hairs are gone now. Just got to heal up again.

After the beauty salon appointment I went to check out this lawyer I had contacted via email about two weeks ago regarding the damages caused to me by the police and others, but from whom I hadn't received a response yet. It was a surreal experience walking further into the center of Deventer. Decrepit buildings and randomly laid out streets. Lots of people around who didn't look like they were doing so well in life either. A few times I heard beeping and cat whistles behind me as guys tried to draw my attention. I guess I should be flattered. Part of me was. Another part hates acting like I'm a regular girl as I know the horrible truth. I also know that I can not live with this truth forever.

The lawyer's office turned out to be some shared building, and after pressing the door bell for the lawyer's office I didn't get a response, so I walked back to the station. On my way there phrases from various Stephen King books I have read over the years popped into my head. Mostly descriptions of people and surroundings. Decay being a prominent item. Around me I could see it as well. A crowded city, filled with people who are too tired to live any more but are going on anyway. Young people being oblivious of the decay and hopelessness around them. I did see some fancy stores in one street, though. It's not a place where I would want to live. It doesn't feel real.

Few things feel real any more, I guess. Humans are very good at pretending that reality is different from what their senses perceive. I guess it's also why so many people I talk to do not understand or see that my situation is anything but stable and without external stable I am very likely to end up dead. The constant pains in my lower abdomen which are almost unbearable are a reminder of this. Which pains are just in my head and which are real? Which pains are caused by the stress and which are due to some malignant medical condition?

In a proper world I wouldn't have gone through all of this. I wouldn't have suffered at all. I wouldn't have severe, untreated PTSD.I wouldn't have to flee the country I was born and raised in. Little wonder that I so badly want this suffering to end that I'm ready to quit life altogether. After the nosedive my life took, seven years ago, there's absolutely no sign that things are improving. So far it's just more of the same old promises-and-betrayal. Maybe I'll get the orchiectomy performed after all and my legal gender changed, but what then? Will I make it to Canada or another safe country? Will I ever get treatment for my PTSD? Will anyone powerful ever admit that I was treated horribly and arrange protection for me?

More promises. More pending betrayals. More broken dreams. Just the endless waking up in a room surrounded by the ruins of my life, and no way to fix it. I can't do anything, it's been beyond my powers for years.

This isn't a life. This isn't an existence. It's just an endless, cruel nightmare which some demonic god put on repeat. I'm only playing along while I still have this little shred of hope that it will end one day and this world will no longer feel like part of the nightmare, with everyone just put there to make me feel even worse.

Today there's still no conclusion to the orchiectomy adventure either. Haven't heard from Sandra since this morning. Kinda worried. I hope I'm feeling okay tomorrow. Waking up feeling suicidal is a risky thing. I have already made sure there's nothing in the room where I sleep which I can use to kill myself with. Nothing can keep me from punching, scratching and strangling myself, though. The ability to harm myself and feel physical pain is my only weapon against this nightmare at this point anyway. Only through it can I keep a connection with reality and feel human again for a bit. Without physical mutilation I would already be dead. It's pathetic and sad.

My life is sad. Tragicomedy, or just tragedy. Don't most tragedies end with the death of the main character? I wonder how mine will end... Just a bit longer until the curtains are drawn after the last act completes. The currently final act is about which will give out sooner: my mind or my body. Both suffered so much abuse the past years. Both are on the verge of collapse. It's going to be exciting.

And in a way I'm relieved that there is a good chance that I will be slipping quietly out of this life. Would have loved to have given it another whirl, but one has to be fair about when there's no chance to win any more and gracefully give up.

*bows as the curtains are drawn closed*


Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Quick Update Regarding Orchiectomy And German Clinics

Last Friday I sent an email to a clinic in Nordhorn, Germany regarding the orchiectomy (castration) procedure. Didn't hear anything on Monday. Had my awesome German friend Sandra call the clinic on Tuesday. Turned out that they didn't receive my email. Resent it. Heard that they don't do the procedure. Got redirected to a clinic in Münster. Sandra sends them an email and we wait for response. She also talks with another urologist in Hamburg who agrees to do the procedure. It's a very long journey from here (near Enschede) to Hamburg, though.

Today Münster clinic gets a call from Sandra, she hears that they'll need five days to investigate the legality of the procedure. I already know it's legal. The first surgeon also knew it was legal else he wouldn't have agreed to perform it. Annoying. Sandra sends email to a clinic in Osnabrück, but before she can call them work time is over. The central reception confirms that the email was received and forwarded.

Tomorrow morning I finally hope to get the appointment. Hopefully for next week. It's an easy drive to Osnabrück from here. Can't wait to get this whole tragicomedy over with. Definitely can't take more stress. After the response of the Münster clinic I got very strong suicidal thoughts. Not good.

I'm also extremely grateful to my fantastic friend Sandra without whom I wouldn't even have accomplished this much. Keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow now...

Pretty please? :(


Monday, 26 September 2011

Please Help If You Want Me To Have A Future

Staying in the Netherlands would mean continued discrimination and persecution due to my intersex condition. I would be refused any medical help, receive more hostility from physicians, psychologists and politicians. My untreated PTSD would likely result in a continuously degrading physical and emotional condition, as well as various auto-immune diseases. Even ignoring that I do not have the financial means to support myself in this very expensive country, staying where I am now will mean my death within the short term. Either due to medical complications or by my own hand.

I have to go somewhere else. Germany was one option, but I lack the financial means to support myself there, even though it's cheaper there. I would need someone to support me, or get a job. Nobody has offered to pay my bills, and German companies are unlikely to hire me considering that I don't speak German and with my troublesome background.

Similarly, Canada would be a very good option to move to, but it's a one in a million shot. I'd need someone to sponsor me, or I am not even getting into the country. Why would a Canadian company hire me considering the expenses of moving me there if they can just hire someone local?

I would apply for refugee status, but the United Nations hasn't finished adding the 'persecution due to intersex' clause to the refugee definition. Maybe next year.

Conclusion: without external help my chances of survival are just above zero.

Anyone got a suicide pill for me? It too would be very welcome help, as I am sick of fighting what turned out to be a futile struggle to even merely exist.


Saturday, 24 September 2011

Never Trust Anyone, Especially Not Dutch Physicians

Yesterday was quite an unpleasant day. Not only did I have my traumas kicked to the point of feeling physically ill and even right now still suffering from severe flashbacks, but I also had the urologist I had an appointment with last week Tuesday call me and basically brush me off, telling me to find a German physician myself.

The former incident was a combination of two things. First was finding out two days ago that people had been talking about me on some random forum (, referring to me as a 'tranny' and such, which I found hard to ignore as it hits the uncertainty and lack of self-esteem I have pretty hard. The second thing was a girl admitting to me that she was involved in the production of amateur porn. That latter incident especially hit me very hard. Feeling 'physically ill' isn't strong enough a term to describe how I felt. I'm pretty sure the combination of both items caused me to wake up at around 3 AM feeling very suicidal.

It may seem extreme to respond so severely to someone admitting such a thing, but I have always had difficulty with people who participate in the 'adult entertainment industry', as the euphemism goes. After my rape, sexual assault/abuse, etc. this has turned into a strong aversion against anything related to pornography. I can't watch it, I can't hear about it... it just makes me feel very, very ill, both mentally and physically. With rapid medical care for my intersex condition and the right trauma care, I could probably reduce the severity of these responses, but so far it seems unlikely that this will happen any time soon.

The incident with the urologist was pretty screwed up as well. I and my mother had been calling the urology department of the hospital where this Dr. Zweers works repeatedly this week, but even yesterday he hadn't even so much as looked at the request for a status update which was put on his desk on Wednesday. When he finally called me yesterday at around 5 PM he said that he hadn't found anything useful during the three days he spent at that urologist conference in Germany, and could only give me the name of someone who might be a urologist in Frankfurt called M. Solm. A Google search didn't turn up anyone with that name. Needlessly to say, I feel that Dr. Zweers was trying to get off easily and didn't have the nerve to tell me so. It wouldn't be the first time I experience this with Dutch physicians.

Luckily my mother remembered the location of a German clinic which is quite nearby. I sent that clinic an email with the request. Hopefully they'll respond positively and I can still get an appointment for that orchiectomy within two weeks time or so. It would be so nice to have the legal gender change request filed with the judge before this month is past.

In other news, a Canadian friend (married man with children, nothing too suspicious :) ) offered to send my CV to some Canadian companies in the hope that one of them might hire me, sponsor my visa and that way get me into Canada. Canada is a pretty good country for intersex people from what I have heard and seen, has a healthy economy, very beautiful nature, my best friend ever lives there and most people I know online live in North-America. It would also be very helpful to live in a country of which I speak the language better than the language I learned first. For these reasons I hope that I can get into Canada. Somehow I have to get a stable future, and the Netherlands is not the place for that, as yesterday's incident with the physician has made clear yet again.

I would very much appreciate it if people could ask around at Canadian companies for me. My CV/resume and portfolio are available on my website, For the full CV with contact information you will have to contact me. Thanks in advance!


Wednesday, 21 September 2011

End Of The Line? After Years Of Abuse Maya Hopes For A Future

She is intelligent and attractive. She speaks many spoken and programming languages fluently, and is a quick study. One would expect her life to be going quite smoothly considering her credentials. Instead she is considering ending her life because she can no longer see a future for herself. How could this happen? What went wrong?

Maya was born in 1983 in a small Dutch village. The first five or six years there was nothing unusual about her, aside from maybe how easily she became friends with everyone. Then for some reason Maya became quiet and began to withdraw into herself. It was the first sign of what was wrong, yet nobody could pick up on what was the matter. For fifteen years she'd stay like this, with even the discovery of her significant giftedness in 2002 offering only a partial explanation.

Puberty was disturbing for Maya, as her body didn't develop the way she had expected it to. Back then Maya still had a boy's name, as at birth they had assumed her to be a boy. During puberty she did however experience breast growth and developed a feminine skeleton. Later tests showed that she only had very low testosterone levels. It wasn't until 2005 that she discovered on her own that she was intersex, and later hermaphrodite as specific diagnosis. This is where things went wrong.

Even though two German clinics had confirmed this hermaphrodite diagnosis using an MRI scan, Dutch physicians and psychologists would deny this diagnosis, claiming that the MRI scans made didn't show anything unusual, ignoring Maya's physical build and attempting to brainwash her into believing that she had to be transsexual and wanted to be a woman. Maya did however constantly maintain that she was happy with her body the way it was, and that she was in fact a hermaphrodite. Dutch hospitals proceeded by faking a mosaic test and denying to perform more examinations.

After nearly seven years of this, Maya was forced to acknowledge her defeat; thanks to the refusal by the Dutch medical world to even classify her as being intersex and the brainwashing attempts she was diagnosed by her psychotherapist with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), mental conditions caused by extremely traumatic events.

Also due to this constant battle and the late discovery of her intersex condition she had been unable to develop herself emotionally, make friends, finish an education (though she did do a lot of self-study), or build up an income. Forced to live with her mother who has to get by on welfare, Maya longs desperately for a future, and a home. Somewhere where she can feel safe and protected. Some place where she can get the medical help she needs, as well as treatment for her traumas.

This place could be in Germany, but due to her poor financial situation, lack of income and her daily fight against her traumas, Maya fears that this is a new battle she can not win. She would therefore ask anyone who is reading this to somehow, some way help her get this future she so desperately longs for.



Sunday, 18 September 2011

The Big Question Of Life's Worth

I do not like calling myself depressed, suicidal or any of such negative terms. What it's all about is a balance of life's offerings, past, present and future. So far my problem in making up this balance is that nothing can seem to weigh up against the terrible things done to me by the Dutch physicians, psychologists, politicians and police. It is the main thing which keeps me from seeing life in a positive light and actually consider the possibility that being alive can be a good thing.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder... Dissociative Identity Disorder... they're all just words, but they are words which indicate an end condition caused by something so horrific one's mind can't deal with it and stay sane. Thus it's all filed away, like toxic waste dumped in the oceans. It's gone, but it's still there. You can't ever get rid of it. You can't ever deal with what has happened. Others can't see the gaping, constantly bleeding wounds in your face, on your abdomen, chest, limbs and everywhere else which make you look like something from a really gruesome horror movie.

What has happened is that all forms of happiness, joy and positive thinking have been ripped out of me by what I have experienced. The best I can achieve is a state of emotional numbness. Not being able to feel ever again would be a blessing. The images, sounds and other sensations of all those horrible things just won't leave me alone. Not when I'm awake. Not when I'm asleep.

What else does life have to offer to balance this out? What do you tell a soldier during a lull in the fighting when he has lost most of his comrades to enemy fire, as well as his wife, children and home during an enemy raid? What can one put against something so horrific to make life worth it again and stop all those horrible memories from appearing all the time, unwanted and hurtful?

I still haven't found that which will make me want to continue living. For now I'll just be sitting here, on a bench in front of the burned out remains of what used to be my innocence and home.


Thursday, 15 September 2011

Asking Human Rights Watch Why They Omitted Intersex

A brief while ago, Human Rights Watch ( published a report on the human rights violations by the Dutch government through its forcing of people to get sex-reassignment surgery if they want to change their official gender. Many other countries have already dropped this barbaric practice, including Spain. The report can be found at:

Now,the report only refers to intersex people in the most basic of terms, which is ridiculous since intersex is a far larger group and suffers from a similar problem in addition to many other severe problem due to regulations and laws. This is why I sent HRW the following letter:


Dear Sir/Madam,

In your recent report regarding human rights violations in the Netherlands ( the main focus is on transsexuals, with only a brief referral to and no mention of intersex, even though this latter group is many times larger (1 in every 25) than the former and suffers many of the same and various additional issues. It's also so that many if not most transsexuals are in fact intersex, either because they got forced genital surgery as a child, or because their intersex condition never got discovered and diagnosed.

Is there a particular reason why HRW seemingly ignored intersex in this report? In the Netherlands there's law 1:24 of the Dutch civil code which technically should allow intersex people to change their official gender, but which comes with the same surgery requirement. I am currently going through this procedure, having found a good lawyer who allows me to dodge some clauses of this law, and am forced to undergo orchiectomy to qualify for it (being infertile as a male, in this case). This procedure has to be performed in Germany, as Dutch hospitals would only do the orchiectomy as part of an SRS.

In my case I was born as a hermaphrodite, with no external opening for the vagina. For seven years I have attempted to get medical help including examinations and a diagnosis for what exactly my condition entails. I am okay with being a hermaphrodite, but only recently did I discover why I didn't get any help here: Disorder of Sexual Development, or DSD policies. Every resistance I encountered was due to physicians and psychologists pushing me towards 'fixing' my 'birth defect' by following the transsexual protocol and becoming a 'regular' woman.

Due to this resistance, the PTSD and other traumatic disorders I have suffered over the years, I have found myself forced to migrate to Germany. From what I have seen, my situation isn't a fluke, and I have seen much disrespect shown to transsexuals in the Netherlands at the VUMC's gender team.

I sincerely hope that HRW can expand the current report, or release a new report more focused on the general issues encountered by those who do not wish to conform to or do not fit easily into the binary male/female pattern.

Thank you for your attention,

Maya Posch

Project Manager for World Intersex Society for Humanity:

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

My Future Lies In Germany

After yesterday's blog post, my mother went to the family doctor's office to inquire after their reasons for refusing to provide a referral letter. She took the letter I wrote for the urologist with the reasoning behind my orchiectomy (castration) request with her. Thanks to her my family doctor finally relented and this morning I picked up the referral letter and went to see this urologist, Dr. Zweers.

Short version, the usual mess with the assistant calling for a Mr. Posch, many apologies and such from her side, and then Dr. Zweers himself. It didn't go bad at all. This doctor finally is one who is simply doing his job. He understands my situation, would like to see it carried out right away, but in the Netherlands in my situation that can only be legally done via a gender team. Or in Germany.

It just happened to be that Dr. Zweers is going to a urologist conference in Germany today, so he'll try to find a urologist there willing to perform the procedure and contact me about it. I expect to hear more next week.

The main thing I'm taking away from this is that Germany is indeed the right place to go to for someone like me. The Netherlands is horribly restrictive in countless ways, and not to mention bloody expensive in every regard. What I should find in Germany is proper medical care, and a relatively cheap place to live, surrounded by the beautiful nature of South-Germany. I'll take it :)


Monday, 12 September 2011

Looking For Peace On A Battlefield

Today I had to go to the police station to give yet another statement. The doctor's office which wanted to charge me for destruction of property now also wanted to charge me with threatening the doctors and others there. Even though this is obvious nonsense as I had warned them many times in advance about my PTSD and DID conditions, and it was their negligence in performing their regular duties which triggered things. It's now up to the Justice Department to decide on this.

Further I got a very nasty call from an assistant of my current family doctor, who is back from vacation. This assistant told me that I won't get a referral to a urologist after all, as he wants to 'prevent me from getting disappointed'. They told me to go to the gender team in Amsterdam, at the VUMC. The same place where I got my initial PTSD. Mentioning this didn't help. Another hospital I called, where a friend had already had contact with a urologist there, I got told that I might get an intake one month from now and it was very doubtful they could help me there. I am getting the impression that they all think that I'm some kind of icky transsexual who is trying to cheat the system and thus refuse to help me.

A few days ago my insurance company also refused to cover the electrolysis therapy I have to undergo to remove all facial hair. I had to request coverage under the term 'transsexual', as they do not know the term 'intersex', yet both cases are similar enough that it shouldn't give any issues. The request got rejected because a) I am still officially listed as being male, and b) I should have provided an indication for the necessity years ago and it's now too late.

I honestly can not deal with any of this any more. Nothing is possible. Nothing can be done or changed. Everything I try or do is wrong or misguided.

I wish I could request asylum in Germany or so.

I wish I could escape from this battlefield.

I wish I could escape to some place where I don't have to fight for a change...

Is there such a place? Does anyone know any? Can anyone help me? Please... *cries*


Sunday, 11 September 2011

Nursing The Raw Pain Inside My Heart

Today my brother and his new wife dropped by. It was the first time I saw them together, and it reminded me why I had avoided such a meeting so far. It evokes just far too many negative feelings inside me. They left earlier and I'm left with raw pain and sorrow tearing their way through my very soul. Note that I don't blame them for anything. They're just what they are: normal people.

I just got dealt a really bad hand of cards even before I was born which would disadvantage me for the rest of my life, which would make my youth a hell and stunt my emotional and social development. It would prevent me from making friends at any stage in life.

I feel like a small child. Just playing around while ignoring the world until something suddenly makes me look up from the sandbox I was playing in, and notice that all my fantasies are just that.

Why does it feel like I get all the hardships while others breeze ahead in life? The terrifying pain of not having any reasons for why my life has to be a Hell drives me towards the only action one can take in the face of ultimate meaninglessness: defying the terrors of life by terminating it, thus taking away the means through which it can hurt me.

I'm a child. A terrified child. A child locked in a closet by its parents for so long, it has forgotten how long it has been. All I know is uncertainty and sheer terror. I would dream of a better life, but I don't know how. There's just this darkness.

Maybe some day...

It'll be fine...

Keep fighting...

You're so strong...


There's only darkness. Only loneliness. Only this hole in my heart which makes me want to scream out in pain. Just voices whispering to me in the darkness. If only I could end it...


Friday, 2 September 2011

Saving An Utterly Ungrateful World

All I ever wanted was for people... for everyone to be happy and have light hearts filled with joy. Not burdened by anything other than naivety and good intentions I set out to change the world, a long time ago.

What I didn't count on was the darkness which fills people's hearts. From the hostility and uncaring ignorance of psychologists and politicians, to the willful evil practiced by physicians, manipulating me into accepting a fate I would never be happy with, let alone could live with. As the saying goes, do not attribute to malice what can be attributed to ignorance. With all the information out there and being taught at medical schools in particular, there can be no claim of ignorance. It's pure, undiluted, pitch-dark malice. Mutilating infants, teenagers and adults alike. Causing untold mental traumas.

And then the real kicker... those so-called organizations which claim to concern themselves with helping people like the intersex? They are only interested in petty politics. Try to find a single person who was helped directly by them and I'll be amazed. These organizations, whether they claim to campaign for intersex, transsexual or homosexual people, do not participate in any kind of public education, whether it's through demonstrations, providing educational materials to schools or even passing out leaflets. They do not provide shelters or other forms of direct care like the Red Cross does. There are countless volunteer organizations who manage to help thousands of starving or otherwise suffering people, and these 'human rights' organizations fail to do anything at all? How in heaven's name is this possible unless they are willingly pulling us, the victims, the wool over the ears?

When I was trying to get help in my situation, being persecuted, discriminated against and being denied medical help, I have begged organizations like OII to help me, and never got a single response from them. Yet when I had the nerve to design my own intersex logo and start a webstore ( I got attacked for using the male/female symbols ("symbols of our oppressors"). When I started my own organization ( for intersex rights, I got attacked viciously by people from OII. People I had never got a response out of suddenly started accusing me and others who had joined me of talking wrongly about them, slandering their name, and that they did help people directly (by talking...). That was when things kind of snapped inside of me.

Nearly seven years of dealings with physicians, politicians and psychologists have caused me enormous and permanent harm in the form of PTSD and virtually every other traumatic disorder in the books. It is beyond sad that I now have intersex 'activists' attacking me for having the nerve to questions their actions and daring to go my own course. Worse is that it is doing horrible things inside of me. More loneliness and rejection. More people accusing me of things which aren't true, forcing me to defend myself while I'd rather run away but I can't go anywhere... I spent about an hour crying today.

I have no desire to fight. All I wanted was to be happy. For everyone to be happy. Yet with the way things are now, I can find absolutely no joy in life. There is too much darkness covering everything. I hope to survive the coming months by abandoning my efforts to save the world and focusing just on myself. Hopefully that will keep the stress levels down enough to avoid triggering my traumas yet again. The thoughts flashing through my head during those episodes are far from pleasant. I'd rather not mutilate or kill myself...