Saturday, 31 May 2008


Yesterday night I went out with the girl I had met before and her boyfriend. We went to a local cafe where we spent an hour or so shouting over the loud music and drinking alcoholic beverages. I still haven't fully grasped what part of this experience is considered 'fun', though I must admit it was an improvement over other places where I've been. Sitting next to a speaker which is blasting at 120+ dB is not fun, let alone healthy :P

Before I continue I'd like to apologize to everyone who felt shocked or such after reading my blog on Wednesday. I have talked and apologized to quite a few of them already and come to realize that at least a few people actually care about me. Thank you so much for being there for me. I can't promise that I won't go through another episode like that, as much depends on what happens medically, over which I seem to have little control.

A change seems to have occurred since Wednesday as well. I noticed on Thursday already that my emotional resistance against negative influences seem to be pretty much drained, allowing me to be much more easily affected by the triggers for my traumas, as I noticed last night as well. I've had this headache since yesterday morning as well so I think I'll go to bed again in a moment to catch up on some sleep before going to the cinema with Pieter and some other friends to see the new Indiana Jones movie.

Some reasons why I feel quite broken today include going to bed quite late (1 AM) and dreaming a lot. And I mean a lot. I can remember at least three separate dreams, the first being about someone informing me that this girl I knew vaguely from IRC was actually a transsexual, accompanied by pictures.

The second dream involved the house I currently live in, lots of weird, tiny, insect-like critters who I had to somehow manage. There were also lots of cats in the place. Herding talking insects, in other words. Geez, I must have been tired or so :P

The third dream after which I woke up had this girl I know from primary school expressing serious (sexual) interest in me and we getting it on. The manner in which I experienced this in my dream was the same as before with 'erotic' dreams, namely that I observe it clinically as though from a distance without any erotic feelings present, not even after waking up.

Annoying in this last dream was that while it felt right to be with this girl, her boyfriend was circling around her like a bad omen or so. She ignored him, but every time I saw him it hurt, as though at those times something precious was being torn away from me.

I thought that these dreams were rather interesting as they represent the primary issues which concern me, including trauma's. There's the attempting to gain overview (the insect critters), my primal fear and hatred of psychologists plus medical specialists and as a trigger transsexuals, and finally sexuality, relationships and men as representation of pain, suffering, misunderstanding and downright evil.

These dreams may mean that my subconsciousness is at least attempting to grasp these things and handle them. This would be very welcome, as clearly consciously the answer to the questions they pose elude me completely. I feel quite differently today as well. I'm not sure how to describe this sudden 'shift'... it's like the colours... sensations... everything just has shifted a few millimeters or even centimeters and the world feels very different.

Anyway... I have set myself a few short-term goals to focus on which should help stabilize and improve my mood, as well as my general health. The first one is of course to keep working on my current projects. Secondly save up enough money to get my current computer fixed (need a new mainboard), construct the file server so that I can do proper backups (need a new HDD among other parts), and finally save up enough money to buy a Wii with Wii Fit and the new Harvest Moon game (I love Harvest Moon a lot ;) ). This among paying off my many debts and setting aside some money for my own place (need to get out of this place before the end of the summer).

One day I truly might be happy...


Thursday, 29 May 2008

A Tiny Shard Of Hope, Or: More Waiting~

Well, I managed to get a good night's sleep after all. Woke up feeling relatively calm, though still plagued by negative thoughts. It's no fun to find yourself visualizing your guts splattered all around and on a train's front (seen this form of suicide once from far too close already), or to imagine a knife slicing through your skin, with red blood lazily flowing out of the wound. I kept having to pull myself away from such thoughts.

Anyway, I talked with my good friend NG (Pieter). After soaking his shirt with tears (he's so going to get questions about that at his work today!), we talked about my situation. His suggestion was basically to focus on getting a reply from Privatescan, even if I had to call them directly. It feels good to have someone like him bring clarity to my situation like that.

Before calling them I wanted to try emailing them one last time, and dug through some old emails to find a personal Privatescan email address from the girl I talked with before and sent her an email. Shortly after I received a reply. She told me that there had been issues with the first clinic. They no longer work with them and it's taken a very long to make them give the MRI images. I felt kind of iffed that nothing had happened while I was under the assumption that the MRI images were already being analysed.

But no problem, in a subsequent phone call with this girl, in which she was very interested about my situation, she told me that the MRI images would be picked up by Privatescan staff and brought to a clinic in Duisburg, where the images will be analysed with priority. At this news I felt a sense of relief. No longer did it feel like everything had just stalled. Sure, this is just analysis, but it's progress. I just hope they get the right images this time...

As for my options after a confirmation... I have to get my insurer to cooperate with my plans to receive surgery in Germany, as there's no way I want to stick around for it in the Netherlands. The health care here is horrible and slow, which is why every year hundreds if not thousands of Dutch people go to Belgium and Germany for medical care instead. The exact way in which I'm going to convince my insurer I'm not sure about yet. They seem to prefer a recommendation from Dutch specialists, so this could get tricky.

I'm still working on this new community site of which I hope to launch the semi-open Alpha version test this week. Exact details about this project are only provided on a Need to Know basis, so don't get your hopes up yet ;) It won't provide the full functionality in this Alpha test as it's mostly meant to collect feedback on features and stability/bugs. More details will follow :)


The End...

Today I made two fatal mistakes... the first was to post a topic on the Tweakers forum asking for photographers who'd want to hold a photo shoot with me. This resulted in a barrage of questions and accusations and ultimately even one guy telling me that all he saw on the pics on my gallery was a boy wearing girl's clothes. This solidifies my fears that I have just been deceiving myself after all. I'm not a girl and will never be one. I don't want to be a boy either and I can't be one. I'm not a transsexual and will never be one. Intersexuality is a lie which I believed in and which has proven to be my undoing.

The second mistake was to accept an invitation to go with some 'friends' from the Tweakers site to a local cafe. There I got repeatedly my trauma's kicked against and my consequent suffering completely ignored. It was one of the most cruel experiences ever.

Together this has made me decide to completely wipe my presence from the Tweakers site, and no longer respond to their queries. But this is only the start. I just can no longer see any reason to keep living. I want to die to make this pain end.

Everything about my life has been an unfulfilled promise. My body is a ridiculous joke, I'm receiving no help at all on finding a solution for it. And no, talking about it and telling me it's going to be fine won't do a darn thing, you stupid morons. I don't respect a reply back from the second German clinic, not after over 2 weeks. I don't expect any specialist here in the Netherlands to help me get treatment in Germany. There is absolutely no hope here anymore. I've been too long out here alone in the scorching desert to go on. It's futile.

I'm going to make an appointment with my physician to discuss the option of euthanasia. Else I'll have to opt for the less desirable choice of suicide. Either way I'm through with this all. As I was lying in my moments ago, observing my desk and remembering all the plans I have had and still have and how nothing of it has worked out, how my whole life has been totally meaningless I just can't take it anymore.

This is possibly my last blog post ever. I hope you liked it so far and will perhaps once in a while think back to this life which was so promising and so futile.

So long.

Update: After one of the most terrifying moments in my life I have finally managed to somewhat calm myself down. The damage: a torn open knee where I used my nails, a bloody nose from who-knows-what, the most messiest hair in the world, a bed soaked with tears and a new-found fear for myself and respect for people who have to deal with insanity every day.

I have convinced myself at this moment to sleep and talk this over again tomorrow morning, and will definitely make an appointment with my physician as this situation I am in is absolutely critical now. I have never come this close to using the various sharp tools I have lying around on my desk and elsewhere in my room. Getting literally millimeters away from actually grabbing the boxcutter which is lying to my left at this moment and using it to disfigure for example my genital area is something I have no experienced so strongly before and quite frankly I'm terrified.


Wednesday, 28 May 2008

On The Verge Of Surrendering...

God, I'm so tired... tired of everything... of waiting, of planning, of disappointments, of trying again and again without luck... When it comes to my body I'm ready to just discard it. All it gets me is pain and suffering. Nothing about it makes sense, and nobody is interested in helping me find out what's wrong with it. Right now my tummy and chest hurt so much from me hitting it repeatedly with my fists. I don't care if I damage anything. All hope is lost anyway. I'll just get the result from Germany telling me that the first clinic was wrong after all about their interpretation of the MRI scan and then all doors will close for me again. At this point it'll be curtains.

I got a reply back from my insurer: "Your question has been forwarded to our department 'Foreign matters'. To get a better understanding of your request for help we we ask you to send us a detailed request and treatment plan from the specialist and any medical statements from Dutch physicians who support the treatment."

So that's a dead end for now. I'm left with trying to find a specialist here in the Netherlands who is willing to support my cause. I'm thinking of trying the hospital here in Almere (Flevoziekenhuis) or one in Utrecht. I've been told to avoid academic hospitals like the plague because they're too close to each other.

At this point, however, I feel too tired and weak to even think of what kind of specialist I might need. I have no hope it'll work out anyway. There's no way I can do this on my own anymore. I just want to curl up and die. So what if I'm a coward? I've had enough of this nonsense after over 3 years and more than willing to throw in the towel at this point. There's nothing but pain left in this life for me anyway.

Just forget it...


Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Analysing And Waiting...

The past weeks have been both turbulent and uneventful. I've been meeting with more and more people and even gone to a concert last Saturday with a photographer friend who had to be there for his work. That concert was mostly marked by cigarette smoke, a tiny crowd and mediocre, far too loud music. The first item is the only one I can't easily deal with (requires me to dress up as a WW1 soldier), the rest is okay. God, I can't wait for July 1st when smoking in such public places is no longer allowed here in the Netherlands.

My putrid hatred against people who smoke aside (pun intended), I've had to endure quite a few emotional shocks since my last blog post. What I have come to realize, however, is that what I'm really perceiving and responding to in those cases is not something that is external, at least not primarily, but rather something which is like an echo, a reflection of my own troubled emotional world. While this may seem obvious, it takes effort to really see and understand it.

Even more tasking is to actually deal with it, which is where I'd like to touch upon the matter of people who keep nagging me to go to a psychologist. To make a psychologist, or for that matter anyone, understand exactly what I'm feeling and thinking, including the subtle feedback between me and those echos, for they do allow me to understand myself better, as though watching this troubled world in a mirror, this proposition of 'help' from an outside source purely through talking, while language is not native to my way of thinking, is ludicrous. So far only my fantastic Canadian friend (you know who you are ;) ) can somewhat match my way of thinking, which also leads to lots of hilarious situations where we say exactly the same things during brainstorming and such. If anything he'd make a better 'psychologist' for me than anyone else.

A while ago I sent an email to to ask for an estimate on when I'd hear from the German clinic on the MRI scan. So far I haven't received a reply yet. I'll probably nag them again tomorrow. My insurance company (Unive) has received an email from me as well, informing them on the matter and asking them for their assistance on getting treatment in Germany. It's been a week since that email as well. Obviously I'm feeling rather annoyed at this point, since the further progress of my medical situation fully depends on these two instances.

People have been suggesting over and over again that I can just be myself without having to worry about all this icky medical stuff, to which I can only respond by saying that if I stop worrying about this medical stuff, I have to forget my own body, as its very sight and feel is a constant reminder I can not simply discard. To do so would mean returning to early 2005 when I did indeed not worry about my body to the point where I couldn't even recognize myself in the mirror. A feat which is still barely in reach for me even at this point.

Anyway, among this chattering and drama I have found what I believe is a perfect business opportunity, which I hope to exploit starting somewhere in the next few weeks. I'll provide an update on it as soon as something gets declassified.

In other news, my new computer system has been troublesome as usual. As soon as I receive my money from Norway I'll buy a new mainboard and send this current one back. I just have to choose between AM2 and AM2+ now. I'm tempted to go with the same mainboard as in my server system, as it's been relatively trouble-free.

Also, my new site, is largely functional at this point, with just the customization of the forum left.


Sunday, 18 May 2008


After a lot of thinking and some research I think I've come to a few conclusions: it is definitely possible that I have a prostate after all. I do not necessarily have to be intersexual in the most common terms. It is also possible that I don't have a vagina, but there's definitely something odd about my body, for which I hope to find an answer soon. First I have to wait for the reply from Germany, which'll at least allow me move beyond this point. If they do confirm the results of the first report, however, I will ask my insurance company whether I can receive surgery in Germany. The medical 'experts' here in the Netherlands can drop dead for all I care.

So what does this make me, then? Neither male nor female. My body seems to have lost all clues before I was even born and emotionally I feel much more comfortable just staying a really smart child like I always was. No need to deal with any icky grown-up emotional stuff which generally is silly beyond words, or plain incomprehensible. Just me, my work and friends as an optional extra.

About people urging me to receive counseling for my issues... I refuse to go to yet another psychologist in the hope that he or she may help me. Call me paranoid, but I do not believe that they can understand, let alone help me if even I can't grasp what my issues are. I might give it a whirl with the counselor I talked with before if my insurance company pays the bill. Else there's no way I'd cough up the money for it even if I had it. Why'd I have to pay to receive help for what appear to be rather serious issues? Utter stupidity.

In other news, I'm currently setting up the (and .org) site. It should be online in a rudimentary form by tomorrow. It'll contain not only my blog, but also a biography, an overview of some personal projects and a photo gallery. I hope you'll like it :)


Saturday, 17 May 2008

The Pain In Confrontations...

Yesterday was pretty much a repeat of the day before. This time a girl I know decided it was a good idea to show her 'love' for her new boyfriend by having me and some others watch it on webcam. I didn't know how quickly I had to get away. While trying to deal with the emotional cascade which was trying to form I got a text message from a girl who I was supposed to meet in a few hours, telling me that she wasn't coming after all. The consequent wave of loneliness and such pushed me over the edge. Full-scale cascade. It took me 3 hours of sleep to recover from it, plus multiple small naps after that.

Due to all the commotion I had skipped breakfast and lunch, only eating dinner in time before I was supposed to meet another girl. We had first planned to go to a restaurant or such nearby my house, but after I had asked her to come to my place first, we stayed and talked there. This lasted pretty much from around 7 PM until 11.30 PM, at which point she went home.

We talked about pretty much everything, regarding both our lives. While it definitely was nice to talk to a person who more or less understood me, I still felt tinges of pain and sadness as I felt myself long for certain aspects of her life. This morning when I woke up I thought back to the things we talked about, certain sentences lodged itself into my brain with severe ferocity (sexuality!), causing a (smaller) emotional cascade since my mental resistance is especially weak in the morning after I wake up.

At this point I'm trying to forget and suppress everything of yesterday, lest it consumes me. If I can't manage to neutralize those harmful sentences and images by turning them into beautiful little cysts, it'd consume me. This is how I deal with such things I can't understand due to my traumas. Control, suppress, push away. Until it comes back to me during an emotional cascade.

And apparently I'm just acting:

<&Kirsty> but maya, with you, you always have to be center of attention
<&Kirsty> its not just attention.
<&Kirsty> you have to be THERE
<&Kirsty> right in the middle
because I feel I'm alone otherwise
<&Kirsty> if someone has a problem
<&Kirsty> you're always like
<&Kirsty> "well mines worse"
<&Kirsty> you dont know how bad some people have it out there.
I know I've got issues, don't have to rub it in
<@zOmbie> trying to get sympathy from ircers is lame
<@zOmbie> :/
<&Kirsty> you haveit good compaired to some
<&Kirsty> so dont even start.

Whatever. Screw everyone of you. I'm done with this. I've been lying all along. I don't have any traumas or such. I'm a really good faker, to the point where I had even myself completely fooled. Sorry for messing with all of your minds. I'll go off myself now to cleanse this embarrassing revelation with my own blood or something since I'm supposed to be an attention whore.

I know what happened back when I tried to keep everything cropped up inside me, not telling everyone but a select few about my pains and troubles, feeling alone whenever someone talked to me like I was just a normal girl. I got pretty close to snapping back then. It was a friend who saw this and made me just tell everyone which saved my life, pretty much. Now I'm being told to just shut up and go back to my previous withdrawn stage. I love people. They always feel personally insulted when I mention my uncertainties at their, or just attention in general. I crave attention and yet I loathe it...

Just drop dead already...


Thursday, 15 May 2008


Okay, I give up...

The past days have been interesting and horrible at the same time. The topic at the Tweakers forum did get me some results, and I've met one guy so far in real life. I've got an appointment with a woman on Friday as well. Sadly, my new computer died two days ago and I've only now managed to fix it (somewhat). The resulting delay in my work hasn't made me feel happy.

The really horrible part? When this guy was over here at my place, I noticed how uncomfortable I felt whenever he tried to hug me or so. I got some local newspapers from a friend to check out local advertising potential. When I came across the ads for escort services I felt terrible, but only at the ads advertising services from women. And just now a Canadian 'friend' just tricked me into seeing his girlfriend naked on cam, which gave me the most uncomfortable feeling ever, same as just now when I learned that this woman I'm meeting on Friday has a boyfriend as well. This makes me think that whatever complex or trauma I have developed since the rape is stronger than ever.

I don't know what to do... should I just continue meeting people and keep risking getting hurt like this? Might there be some way to fix this? I do not believe in psychologists anymore and to be honest I don't believe this issue will ever improve. Of all the improbable things to commit suicide about...


Monday, 12 May 2008


Yesterday I had this really nice dream when I took a nap around noon. In it I was on some kind of festival terrain. I somehow found myself rolling down a hill with a few girls, one of which landed pretty much on top of me. I could feel the softness of her body as we started cuddling as it felt like the natural thing to do. She then stood up and left, with me following her, only to lose her out of sight before I left the terrain.

Following random streets, however, I ended up at a building which I entered and ended up in a hallway where I saw this man, who I thought to be a doctor, and who was probably the father of the girl I was following. Opening a door near this place which had a tag dangling from it with a girl's name written on it, I suddenly found myself outside, in a really sunny place. Sitting there on the green grass on the right from me was the girl. Walking to her, though we didn't seem to use words, once I got near her I understood that she didn't expect to see me again, but there was no lash back like I'd usually experience in such a situation. We just continued to communicate in this wordless fashion and everything felt right. This was the best dream I've had in a long time, and I think it is full of symbolism.

Sadly it's the only positive thing I can report at this point. A few days ago I started a thread on a Dutch forum at asking the people there to help me figure out how to find friends and get out of this loneliness. Though I got some good tips and ideas, I nevertheless cut off all contact with the people on that forum today. I don't feel that I'm getting what I want from it, which is a true friend, who isn't afraid to share all of the pain I feel inside. My dream indicates this as well.

So I'm not sure what to do at this point, except shut down my emotions and work like I should have done many months ago. Perhaps years from now when the whole medical mess has been resolved might I try another attempt at finding friends, assuming I last that long. Getting a confirmation back from Germany that Rotterdam was right after all would pretty much mean the end for me, as I know from experience that there is no medical specialist in this entire world who might be interested in helping me figure out why my body is this twisted, disfigured mess.

Here's another example of futility, in a message I received from my friend LJ:

LJ: someone pmed me
LJ: a little fyi. maya/suzu or whatever he-she calls itself... things aren't what they appear to be
maya is a he who thinks he's a she
you can continue to flirt with it if you like, but you're flirting with a dude
keep that in mind
LJ: I hate people like that who talk behind people's backs

Now this NagakuAoshi guy is someone I don't know at all except from seeing his nick on IRC and yet he has the nerve to talk about me like that behind my back. I tried to contact him, but obviously he won't respond.

Whenever people first learn about me, they often mention how they know a transsexual friend. This is absolutely the wrong thing to mention to me, as I still hate TSs. TSs have nothing whatsoever to do with me, despite what those retarded psychologists and doctors keep telling me (do I sound crazy already?), and I wouldn't give a damn if they were to all drop dead.

*takes deep breath*

Someone on the aforementioned forum asked me whether this year I had begun to think differently about sexuality since last year I seemed to be really focusing on it and doing all kind of... weird stuff. Obviously the answer is that this year I'm completely suppressing any thought about sexuality and relations, in a feeble attempt to keep myself sane.

Many people have told me to be more positive on my blog,, and I have tried to answer to that request, but well, this is all you're getting it seems. Live with it.

Update: A few hours later and I seem to be thinking in a slightly more nuanced manner. I think I took thing too quickly, too much in some respects. Clearly this shows how emotionally immature I still am.


Wednesday, 7 May 2008


Yesterday I still hadn't received a reply from the German clinic, so I went to their site and attempted to send an email using another email address on there as well as a contact form. The email got returned to me undelivered and the contact form was broken. After discovering some more broken links on the site ('Press') I began to fear the worst. Ultimately I decided to ask, who had helped me get the scan in the first place to help me.

About an hour after submitting the request to Privatescan did I receive a phone call from the same girl who had arranged the original MRI appointment. She said she'd get a second German clinic to verify the MRI scan report using the MRI images from the first clinic, which was an unexpected relief to me. She called me back later because the doctor at the second German clinic also wanted to see the Dutch report, for comparison purposes. After some hunting for a scanner I finally used my digicam to take a picture of the report and mailed it to Privatescan. I should learn more in about 1-2 weeks from now.

Yesterday I also had an appointment with my physician again. After updating her on the situation in Germany, I then told her about a suggestion from my friend Alex to have a urologist check me out, which might show something unusual, without approaching it from the 'intersexual' angle. My physician advised me to wait for Germany to get back to me, which I agreed with. I have to go to the hospital here in Almere as well to have my hormone levels checked out again (at my own request). I'll have to see when I'll do that...

Today I didn't get much work done... after an email from a friend mentioned a movie in which a girl gets gang-raped, I felt something inside me break and I spent the next hour or so crying. After calming down somewhat I felt so tired that I took a nap which lasted three hours. So four hours right down the drain. Right now I'm feeling quite tired as well,and not really up to anything. I'd like to go to bed already, but it's still a tad early. I should wait another hour until it's 10.30 PM.



Monday, 5 May 2008

Growing Up...

A few days ago I got the idea that to meet people around here it'd be best for me to get a job, as that'd make me some money as well. When talking about this idea with NG, we both agreed that it'd be hard for me to find a job which wouldn't make me drop dead from boredom within a week since I have only finished high school. He then suggested that I should start advertising my services locally, specifically computer consulting and webdesign.

Thinking about it I realized the simplicity and brilliancy in this idea, as it would allow me to use my existing skill set and company, do something I find interesting, meet people and earn money in the process. The next challenge was to make it all work, to which end I have been working to work out the logistics and other little details, such as getting a new mobile phone, to keep work and private separated.

The plan is to have a working business plan, advertisements, a functional website and other such crucial things ready by the end of next week. I find that working towards this goal is helping me a lot to deal with things.

Last Friday I sent an email to the German clinic which made my MRI scan, to ask for their assistance in this most confusing matter. I hope to receive a reply from them soon. I'll also try to get a referral letter for an appointment with a urologist, who could do some tests to see why what I have for male organs don't seem to perform the way they should, mostly with regard to the extremely soft skin there, the lack of sensation during intercourse and the inability to reach a male orgasm. To try getting some more information via this way was an idea from Alex, and it's yet again one of those simple and brilliant ideas. I just hope that the fact that I'm on a self-induced hormone therapy doesn't interfere with this.

As for matters of sexuality, it has been a downwards cycle. This morning alone I woke up with such an intense hatred against anything related to sexuality that it was almost frightening to feel myself harbor such intense feelings. It's as though something is dying inside me, to allow the parts of me which are still healthy to flourish. After the phone call from Rotterdam I had to go through yet another extreme confrontation with myself, during which I realized that no matter what, I can only be a woman, whether I want it or not. The latter expression relates to how I had to drag myself along emotionally to accept the things I encountered during the discovery of my body the past 3+ years.

When my mother and younger brother came to visit last time, they brought with them a few items. Inside a box I found an old picture of myself, on which I had to be around 16-17 or so. Looking at this picture made me realize yet again how little I remember of all those years that I was withdrawn into myself. As vivid as everything is now would be inconceivable to me at the time of that picture. Just looking at the empty staring eyes and the expression-less face on the picture makes me realize just how much things have changed.

I feel that I should take another picture of myself from the same angle, just to show to myself how much everything, how much I have changed. Though there are many more things which I would like to see changed... knowing what I am, knowing what things like friendship and love are... understanding why some people like to take weird pictures of themselves chained up whilst naked or covered with cow's blood, or even to whore themselves out. I would like to know what sexuality truly means, especially to me. If having contact with someone purely for sex results in me crying out my insides afterwards, I'm quite sure something is absolutely, totally wrong.

With about two weeks I'll hopefully meet up with a potential friend who lives here in Almere. I hope that the meeting with her works out, as I can't use yet another meeting resulting in a complete breakdown in communications and mutual understanding like before.

I'm so jealous and lonely and craving for love and attention like a small child... someone please pick me up and hug me and tell me you'll scare the monsters away so that I can finally get some sleep again.