Monday, 31 August 2009

Descend Into Controversy

One thing I forgot to mention about yesterday's pool visit was part of the conversation I had with one of the staff members there. I had been talking to her before on a few occasions, and a cleaner who works there too had noticed this and he had asked her why we were talking so much, to which she had replied honestly, telling him about my issues and such in short. His response was one of disbelief at first, to then state that it was 'wrong', that it was 'unnatural', because there are only men and women. It should be noted that this man is a Muslim and was raised in a mixed Moroccan/Dutch environment.

Thinking about it, the Bible, Torah, Koran and virtually every religious work underlying religions talk about a god or gods creating men and women (in no particular order). I can't think of a religion which recognizes the existence of intersexuality, that males and females are just the extremes of a wide spectrum of possibilities. To not want to be or to not pretend to be one of those extremes is then considered to be 'unnatural', and possibly a sin in the eyes of some devout believers. I have never seen religions as being very aware of reality, but this realization was new to me, and frankly it somewhat frightens me.

Having met quite a few religious types and having discussed various matters with them, their inability to accept new concepts, or to examine their own is astounding. While I don't think that the average non-imported European person is very intolerant in this respect, it nevertheless scares me somewhat that there are quite a few people out there who would consider my existence to be unnatural, possibly even a 'sin'. Someone joked a while ago about a fundamentalist Christian attacking me for clashing with his or her beliefs, but especially with events like fundamentalist Christians attacking abortion clinics and murdering people occurring all too often, it does put a bit of fright in me. It could happen, and with the more publicity I get, the more controversy I'm likely to create. It's all part of the game, I guess...

To talk about something less gloomy, I got the first draft of the magazine article emailed to me by the journalist yesterday with the request to look through it and make any changes to the content I deemed necessary. I had Pieter look through it as well, after which it got his approval. After reading it through a few times, I found no obvious mistakes with it either aside from a few minor details which I noted in the text after which I emailed it back to the journalist. I told her I was pleasantly surprised that she had completed the article so quickly, in only 3 days time including the weekend.

She'll make the last changes to it today and submit it to the Grazia, which is also when she'll hear when it'll be published. At the current rate it could be published within two weeks from now (my estimate). It'll be nice to have a date on that. I'll just have to wait on the broadcasting date of the Omroep Flevoland documentary to conclude my media dealings for the time being. I truly hope I'll get the attention my case and intersexuality in general deserves.

Last night Pieter sent an email to a member of one of the ruling political parties, a woman who deals with among other things medical ethics for the PvdA, one of the largest political parties here in the Netherlands. He included a link to my first TV appearance, as well as a link to the Dutch Wikipedia article on Foekje Dillema, an athlete who got into a lot of controversy years ago when she turned out to have XXY genes, which would give her an unfair advantage or so. It was a case not dissimilar to the current one with the South-African athlete. The request in the email was to look at the possibility of introduction a change to the current law on official gender change to make it possible for intersexual people like me to officially take on the gender they and their environment feel most comfortable with. As Pieter described, the only time I'm still a 'male' is when I have to use a form of identification, even if my environment doesn't recognize me as such.

Sadly I still haven't heard anything on the Bbz welfare thing. I was supposed to hear something last week, but all I can do now is send another email asking for a new estimate. It's quite annoying.


Sunday, 30 August 2009

The Light, It Hurts Us...

As people reading my Twitter stream may have noticed, I was looking for a swimsuit to try on, this after talking about it with a female friend of a friend of a friend at the pool a week ago. As Pieter couldn't figure out what else to buy for my birthday, we went to shop for either a pretty dress or similar, or a swimsuit. After browsing the lacking number of options at various shops, I finally found some nice Speedo swimsuits, priced down heavily as well due to being part of the 'old' collection. After trying on a couple, I decided I'd get one of two, yet Pieter said I could have both, although technically I'm only supposed to be aware of one of them, as I'll get the other one on my birthday :P

This morning I wore the one swimsuit at the pool, and the nice thing was that I didn't get any weird glances at all or anything. Fact of the matter is that even I don't really see anything weird in the mirror when I'm wearing a swimsuit. I enjoyed being able to swim normally (and faster), and even dive without nearly losing a few parts and bits every time. After a hint yesterday from Pieter I also realized a big advantage I have over regular females when going to the toilet while wearing a simsuit ;)

The rest of today wasn't that fun, though. Shortly after getting out of the pool and getting dressed I began to notice all too familiar spots in my vision, announcing an oncoming migraine attack. At the advice of a friend of Pieter who drove back with us in the car I kept my eyes closed all the time, as this would reduce the impact. I got home without feeling too miserable, yet after lying down on my bed and trying to sleep for a while the migraine definitely made itself known, resulting in one of the worst migraines ever (although every one of them feels like that...).

After an hour or so of this and a bit of crying from the pain, Pieter came to check up on me and give me the maximum dosage of a strong painkiller plus some more regular painkiller as well before he left for the birthday party of an aunt of his. Within an hour I began to feel better and eventually decided to get out of bed. I still felt queasy for a few hours, managed to eat a bit and keep it down despite continuing nausea. I still don't feel completely fine, but I'm really glad the light stopped hurting me and my head isn't splitting apart anymore.

From what I can determine this migraine attack got triggered by the new Estradiol patches I started using this morning. One of the listed side-effects is headaches/migraines ("Sometimes"; 1 in 1,000 users). I guess I got lucky. I really hope that this was a one-off thing, because if it keeps repeating itself I will quit using these patches right away as the last thing I need at this point is to be incapacitated a few days a week or so in excruciating pain. I'll take the increased risk of thrombosis over it any day. I'll see. At any rate I'm not too overjoyed at those patches anyway. They're transparent, round pieces of plastic with a strong adhesive on one side. It feels kind of weird to walk around with a shining piece of plastic on my behind. The gel alternative seems more and more attractive...


Friday, 28 August 2009

Half A Life

Yesterday was a very busy day, with an appointment with my GP in the morning and the magazine interview in the afternoon. I arrived early at the GP's office and she just happened to have some time free before my official appointment time, so we had half an hour instead of ten minutes to discuss matters.

She hadn't heard yet about the events at the UMCG, so she was quite happy that things had gone so well. She was almost overjoyed that she could prescribe the hormones to me now. The plan now is that I'll begin using with the Estradiol patches on Sunday, with a blood test after about four weeks of using them to check my hormone levels. I'll then switch back to the pills for a week which is when I'll have another appointment with my GP where I'll get the results of the blood test. She'll then prescribe the gel form of the patches, which I'll then also use for about a month to compare the gel and patches.

I also showed my GP an article on true hermaphroditism I had received from professor Weijmar Schultz during the appointment. She asked me to make a copy of it at the reception desk, which I did after our appointment was over. I admitted to her that I hadn't read it through yet, as it was kind of painful to me to read.

Once back home I had breakfast/lunch and awaited the arrival of the journalist for the magazine interview. The interview lasted about 2.5 hours, during which I told her just about everything. I thought things went quite well, and she seemed genuinely interested in my situation. She hadn't seen the pictures from the photoshoot yet, so I showed them to her. The pictures definitely got her approval, and I got yet another "You could be a model" comment :)

She will have the article written in about a week time, after which it'll be submitted to the magazine. How long it'll take until publication I do not know yet. The journalist said she'll ask when she submits the article, but said that considering how quickly the photoshoot got arranged it'll definitely be sooner rather than later. My own estimate is within a month from now :P

At this point I'm thus waiting for: magazine publication, TV documentary broadcast, MRI discussion results, genetical test results, and endocrinological results. After Pieter submits his email to a few politicians on the gender change issue the wait will be on for what their response will be as well.

As I also pointed out to the journalist during the interview, I really can not use or develop my emotional side as long as I don't know what I am, physically. I do know who I am, but I don't know what I am, and the effect of that is essentially that everything but intellectual matters are very hard to downright impossible for me. It's like half of my existence is being denied with a female body which isn't female, an official identity which denies how people around me see me, and an inability to explain to anyone, including a potential girlfriend what I actually am other than a freak of nature. It all hovers right on the very edge of what is still bearable, though I get more than a few glimpses of the abyss each day.

I still hate waiting...


Saturday, 22 August 2009

Freak Of Nature

Freak: 1 (also: freak of nature) a person, animal, or plant which is abnormal or deformed.

I'm a freak of nature, a deformity or abnormality. I have no place in society, I might as well not exist. I should not exist. At this point it doesn't matter what further facts will be uncovered about my body, as it won't change anything about the conclusion. My existence will always be hell. I'll have to fight for everything, even just to be 'me', whatever the hell that's worth anymore at this point. From the looks of it I won't ever be able to change my official name or gender, even if I get acknowledged as being intersexual it still won't grant me a place in society, instead leaving me as an outcast.

I'll have to live on with a body that is mostly female and recognized as such by my environment, with male genitals which don't fully function (never have), with an official registration of that of a male (name, gender). I'll have to take hormones for the rest of my life (UMCG wants me to use transdermal patches instead of pills due to risk of thrombosis; I'd prefer injections over that due to visibility). I'll be alone no matter how many people I'll be able to call my friends.

I woke up earlier, at 1.30 AM, covered in sweat, heart pounding and with no memory of a nightmare or such, yet it appears I must have had one. I'm absolutely not feeling happy. While the above may sound very pessimistic, it is an accurate summary of my thoughts after yesterday's appointment.

Truth to be told, I still hope that I do have a vagina, as it'd make me feel a lot more 'normal', more like a 'special' female instead of something which looks like a female, yet isn't. That's the freak bit, with its usual gradations. I'd much prefer to be just a bit of a freak in a hermaphrodite sense than to be a big freak in a more twisted intersexuality form.

I'm feeling waves of bitterness and disappointment. Honestly, I'm not sure I can convince myself to go on if Germany's interpretation of the MRI images proves to be incorrect. It has kind of kept me going instead of just drowning in this bloody sea of despair that is intersexuality.

Ordering that overdose of sleeping pills doesn't sound like such a bad idea at this point. It's a welcome alternative to the pain I'd face if Germany is proven to be incorrect. I really wish I was kidding. Not that anyone not in my situation could ever understand it.

Please don't make me go through the pain...


Friday, 21 August 2009

Exhausted, But Okay

Today was my appointment at the UMCG. I actually managed to eat something before Pieter and I left towards Groningen (1.5 hour by car). We arrived in time and proceeded to register me and obtain an ID card for the hospital.

De girl doing the registration was confused for a moment after I handed her my ID and insurance card, even asking whether the person to register was me or Pieter. I told her about my situation, and she quickly caught on, telling me that she had seen transsexuals before, but you could always tell what they were and thus weren't too confused when handed an ID card which initially didn't seem to match up. She thought I was a pretty looking girl :) My hospital ID card now lists 'Maya Posch' and gender as 'female', which I'm pretty happy with.

After waiting for a bit at the gynaecology department I met professor Weijmar Schultz and psychologist Jiawan. They initially asked me to describe the issue. What was interesting was how they began to discuss the matter among each other, suggesting possible tests and approaches and before I knew it I was scheduled for a genetics (mosaic/chimera) test (basic one first) and endocrinological testing. At the lab they initially only drew one ampul of blood due to a communication error. After a call from Weijmar Schultz this was corrected and during my second visit another 6 ampuls of blood were drawn from me, making for a new record of 7 compared to the previous one of 4 or 5 :)

We also visited the radiology department were a radiologist showed me what he thought was on my MRI images. He said that he couldn't see evidence of the presence of a vagina, but could see a prostate. When I asked him how he could explain that he saw a (quite significant) prostate while the AMC hospital had indicated that the prostate was miniscule. He couldn't answer that question. They will however contact the two German clinics and discuss their difference in interpretations. I'd be majorly pissed if it turns out that the German clinics have made me waste a lot of time and money pursuing a lie.

So no clarity on the MRI scans yet. An X-ray was made, however, of my pelvis, for a comparison between my pelvis and those of males. As it turns out my pelvis is definitely more feminine than masculine, with the nice oval curving shape in the center. In essence this confirms that my skeleton is that of a female, and that this would be very unusual with only XY genes.

I just sent some more information to Weijmar Schultz, including contact info on the two German clinics and my therapists. I'll hear from him when he knows more.

In general I'm happy with how things went. Weijmar Schultz and Jiawan are nice people and I was kind of surprised I got rushed through 2.5 hours of tests and such. It's still somewhat disappointing that I still don't know what I am exactly. Worse is what Weijmar Schultz told me about having my name and official gender changed. In essence the law here in the Netherlands only allows this for people who have undergone a sex change, and thus only for transsexuals. There is apparently no way for intersexuals to get their name or gender changed, including for me. This is one thing I intend to address during the magazine interview next week, and Pieter will contact some people he knows in Dutch politics to see whether they might be interested in addressing and changing this law.

I need to go lie down now, I'm just absolutely exhausted.


Thursday, 20 August 2009

In Remembrance Of What Has Been

Tomorrow marks a few potential events of importance for me. Either I get the acknowledgement that my body is not that of a male or female, and I'll get the treatment I require plus further official changes to my name and everything done. Or the UMCG will carry the same message as the VUMC has before, namely that of not wanting to diagnose me, but insisting that I'm just a regular male with some feminine looks, in which case it ends my medical story here in the Netherlands and I'll be forced to seek my salvation beyond the borders of this small country. Either way it'll mark a big shift in matters, one a straight path to salvation, the other a long, dark and winding road which may or may not lead to the intended destination.

Today I have had to resort to all kinds of distractions and other methods to keep myself from going off on a course towards desperation or such. As my therapist Engel Vrouwe has concluded, the treatment by medical specialists so far has led to a second PTSD on my side, which is responsible for nearly sending me into shock when exposed to certain situations, such as tomorrow's. I have to actively keep myself from thinking about it lest I become violently ill, and I don't mean in the 'somewhat nauseous' sense, but more in the 'want to run around screaming, puke out my guts, hurt various people and set fire to a few select buildings' kind.

I'm just absolutely exhausted at this point, both mentally and physically. Today I have spent some time on digging through the MRI images, particularly finding MRI images of males, to use as comparison at the suggestion of Pieter. It hasn't changed my opinion on the competence of the Dutch radiologists, nor has it swayed Pieter's opinion noticeably in their direction. There just isn't anything on my own MRI images which matches up with those of MRI images of males in terms of the presence of a prostate (seminal vesicle may be visible, possibly), let alone the clearly visible tube which isn't a shadow of the edge of the large intestine as it doesn't match its curve and matches up too perfectly with the usual location of the vagina at the bottom of the pelvis. So far I can only conclude that my MRI images match neither those of males nor those of females completely. My vote is on intersexual, still.

Tomorrow at about 11 AM we'll leave for Groningen to arrive 1.5 hour early there as I still have to register and there's no telling whether we'll easily find a parking spot. There's nothing more I can do to prepare at this point, I have promised to Pieter that I won't start arguing with the doctors, and won't leave the room if things aren't going well. Instead I'll just withdraw into myself and let Pieter carry on the conversation. In the end, though, I'm absolutely not looking forward to tomorrow and I wish it was all over already, regardless of the outcome.

One point of light is the magazine interview next week. If I do get more publicity in the media, mostly about the horrible treatment I have received by the hospitals here, it might change things for the better. I'm not sure about my therapists yet, as my insurance company has to give permission for tests in other countries, and it would probably take many months regardless. I'm not sure I could last a few more months, especially not with my upcoming birthday on the 4th next month, which will mark the 26th time that I'll have lived a year without knowing what my body is. A body I'm becoming more and more disgusted with. A body people in this country would rather see destroyed, it appears.

I can't get over the apparent fact that there are people in this country, people who have sworn to heal people and to do no harm, yet who have falsified reports and have treated me with such disrespect and lack of interest that it has driven me to the very edges of my sanity, to the point where I question the point of living if the very people who were supposed to help me with the most fundamental questions about my own body apparently would rather see me dead and gone than to admit that they might have been wrong and to do an actual attempt to carry out their oath.

I think it's absolutely sickening...


Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Pregnancy Dream

Something had happened. I was lying on a hospital bed in the ward for pregnant/expecting women. The walls and ceiling seemed quite white to me. The sheets of the beds which were arranged in a column/row order were white. I was lying on one in the top-right corner if one keeps the entrance of the room at the left-hand side. I didn't see the entrance, but I knew it was there.

Two nurses were doting over me, telling me how it wasn't my fault that something had happened. It appeared that my unborn child had had a heart attack, yet I was the one who got the anti-coagulant injection. I got the injection in my left arm, when I looked at the spot I could see a kind of substance spurting out of it in a small jet of a few mm across, at the end of which (first a few cm, then about 1 cm high) the substance just seemed to vanish. I found myself wondering what it was and why no one commented on it, yet didn't feel very worried.

I knew that I was pregnant, a few months in. I didn't feel very worried about anything, mostly a semi-numb feeling, as though I wasn't fully aware of what was going on. Another part of me, however, was making itself known, pointing out that I couldn't be pregnant since I'm intersexual, that it wanted people to know, especially the one nurse who spent the most time with me, yet the rest of me didn't pay attention to this complaining part. Somehow it felt okay to ignore it.

One or more women in the room were talking about how great it was to have children almost from the very start of the dream, with the two nurses talking about it as well. Saying how it'd change my life for the better to have a child. Near the end I began to say how one child would be more than enough for me. The one nurse said something to the extent of how I could present the father (to my parents, it felt) and a mother. One of the other women then made a humorous remark about that comment.


Tuesday, 18 August 2009


I don't want my body to be the center of controversy, of deceit and sorrow. I want to love it, to accept it. I want there to be a place for me as I am in this world, where I can be normal, just like everybody else. Virtually every part of my body and psyche has been debated, discussed, theories on it formed and rejected by some, accepted by others. Within all of this there is no place, no time, no space for 'me'.

Who am I? A human who calls herself Maya, who considers herself to be primarily female. A person who enjoys tinkering with technology, loves languages, science, music and the arts. Enjoys working on complex technological or logistical or scientific or... well, any issue that is complex enough to warrant her attention. She is sensitive to criticism, but does see the value of it and quickly adapts. Above all she wants everyone to be happy.

What am I? Human. Neither male nor female classification fits. Intersexual? Has to be. Evidence seems to suggest a female hermaphrodite, i.e. a hermaphrodite with a body which primarily leans towards being female. Seems fairly obvious and simple.

What does this mean for 'me'? Loneliness, being different, not even having a place on forms, during registrations and anything else requiring an official identity, as society officially doesn't acknowledge her as being primarily female ('f'), let alone as a hermaphrodite ('h'?). She has to adapt to a female role, ignoring the fact that she's a hermaphrodite. Ignoring a large part of what she is.

Today I read the first two chapters of the manga 'Aiesu' which you can read at and which involves a number of (fictional) stories on people (children) going through the painful experience of being intersexual. I recognized so much in those two chapters, especially the loneliness after deciding not to ignore being IS, and the pain of being different, of not being a part of 'normal' life, that I spent the next few hours in bed. Mostly crying, also reading a bit in my current book ('Good Omens', a very good book). Not until Pieter returned home from work and comforted me I began to settle down (after at least ten minutes).

Tomorrow is my next electrolysis session, will have to see when I'll schedule the next one. Friday appointment at UMCG, expecting the worst, hoping for salvation. Next week Wednesday appointment with therapist, not sure I feel like talking about my troubles, haven't found any method of transport I like yet either. Wish I could just borrow or rent a car. Maybe I'll just cancel.

Thursday magazine interview. Want to know the publication date. Hope it's my breakthrough in the media. I would love to talk at a seminar like in that Aiesu manga I linked to, to educate and inform people, especially since as that manga pointed out, 1 in every 2,000 children is born intersexual. Your child is more likely to be intersexual than that you'll ever win a significant prize in the lottery.


Saturday, 15 August 2009

The Delusions Of Socializing

Things are going everything but smoothly prior to the UMCG appointment. Yesterday I had such a bad emotional collapse again that it left me fully drained with me falling asleep for two hours after the collapse itself of one full hour. The pervading thought appears to be that I'm a freak, something which is unnatural and that everything which is happening to me is a logical consequence of me having been born like this. Rationally I can't seem to get any grip on it, seeing as how I have to admit that my body isn't like that of the males and females around me and that I essentially do not have a place in society, especially not at the moment. It's just too hard, too impossible for me to deal with. I guess that's one thing where I once again need the media to find my place.

Today I decided to go to the gym again, which started off nicely, with the trainer who accompanied me and gym girl being present after a long vacation. Gradually, however, things got worse. First there was the lack of responsiveness on the side of the two staff members, people I had talked to before, knew about my issues and previously had no issues talking to me about it. Now they seemed very distant.

Another thing which really disturbed me was one guy at the gym who kept looking at me with a really creepy gaze. Whenever I glanced his way, he was looking straight at me and seemed to follow me around. The worst part was when at one point he was staring at me again and making... suggestive motions with one of his hands. At that point I felt almost sick to my stomach and was more than ready to go home.

All of it, today's events, the lack of actual socializing (not due to a lack of trying), gym girl ignoring me for months now no matter how I try to contact her, the distancing of the staff members and now creepy guys have made me decide to quit going to the gym. I'll cancel my subscription and be done with it. It's not like I need the exercise with me swimming a few hours every week already.

Right now I'm still not feeling alright, but I have made a promise to myself to at least remain faithful to my own dreams and plans for the future. I don't want to have the rest of my life ruined by humans whose lives are just pitiful and useless anyway. I'm worth more than that.

Anyway, work-wise things are going a bit tough as well, with me having wasted a few days on figuring out how to embed a layout engine like Gecko (Mozilla) or WebKit. The lack of useful documentation is excruciating, especially on Mozilla's side, with the wiki being a mixture of hopelessly outdated (1999, really?) and totally up to date (<1%) pages. Would make for a fun drinking game, I guess. One hit per outdated page, would leave one silly drunk after about ten minutes :D Right now I'm toying around with OffscreenGecko, which renders the output of the rendered page to a buffer which I can then use however I want. So far it seems promising.

So much to do, so little time...


Friday, 14 August 2009

Counting Down

Two events I'm counting down to at this point: appointment at the UMCG, 7 days; Grazia interview, 1 week, 6 days. Yesterday it hit me intensely how much I loathe going to hospitals, specialists and such, as well as how intensely grateful I am to Pieter that he is willing to accompany me. I wish from the bottom of my heart that this will be the last time that I'll be going to an appointment with such a great deal of uncertainty looming over me. After nearly five years of the same string of disappointments I think I'm due for a change of scenery, if you catch my drift. I really wish it was all over already.

I'm looking forward to the interview, though. To me it feels like a kind of justification of me stubbornly hanging on to what I feel is 'right', not necessarily about facts, but mostly about how someone with a pressing request for help should be treated. I feel like I have been treated akin to dirt by virtually every specialist and psychologist here in the Netherlands, with the real issues systematically being ignored. The magazine publication will not only make my situation and that of people like me more well-known, it should also help to uncover the truth behind the apparent fraud and other misconduct by Dutch hospitals. Just thinking back at what has happened to me thanks to them, I feel incredibly depressed as though they have literally taken away years and all purpose from my life. I hope that media attention and the hopefully resulting acceptation of who and what I am will help me regain some of my self-confidence and lessen this feeling of desperation.

Yesterday Pieter and I went to the house of a brother of his who is in the process of moving to a new house in order to pick up some furniture he doesn't need anymore. I have now gained a bed, a TV cabinet, couch and a small table for in the living room. Together with the things Pieter has for me, including a dinner table, I pretty much need just some dinner chairs and stuff for the kitchen and bathroom in my future apartment. Now the wait is on for the Bbz welfare recommendation report which the guy from the IMK is working on. I think he'll call me with the results early next week.

Today and the weekend I'll hardly see Pieter as today he has stuff to prepare for the wedding of a friend followed by that friend's bachelor party (including 'tasting' beer). He expects to be home around midnight, by which time I may already be asleep. Then tomorrow he'll leave early again for Enschede, for a Dungeons & Dragons geek fest the entire weekend. I think I may actually miss him :P

To avoid missing him too much, I'll be working on a few projects, including the new Content Management System (CMS) for the Nyanko site, Lilium and things for our current game, Even Cats Dream. I'm considering making the CMS (NCMS) available for free to others so as to speed up the debugging and development process, to eventually provide non-free licenses for commercial use (with support). Got to capitalize on what you have got, after all :)

So, time to get some breakfast and then back to work.


Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Tensions Rising

First of all a bit of positive news. As I have previously announced I have started treatment at a different beauty salon for hair-removal using electrical hair-removal, also known as electrolysis. I have had two treatments so far of 1.5 hours total and so far the results haven't been unimpressive. It'll take a few more weeks of treatment before I'll be able to see significant progress, though. Especially now in the beginning it's taking a quite heavy toll on my skin, with some swelling, soreness and red spots, but this should lessen as the total hair count drops.

I have canceled my appointment at the salon where I used to go to for the ELOS method. As the owner of the new salon pointed out with a small experiment, ELOS, ELLIPSE and such methods using laser would have never resulted in significant effects as my hair is simply too light. I feel silly now for not switching to this method sooner, although in my defense it took me some effort to find a salon which actually offers the electrolysis treatment. A sacrifice I have to make for this new treatment, however, is that the hairs have to be long enough to be pulled out by tweezers, and thus I can't shave a few days prior to a treatment session. While it'd take about a week of not shaving for people to really notice it on me, it still doesn't feel comfortable to me.

Now I just have to take care of the financial side of things to be able to finance this new treatment. It may work a lot better and faster than ELOS, but with weekly treatments I'll be broke without significant income before I'll know it. Hopefully I get good news on the Bbz request this week with the first cheque shortly after that. I'll probably have to borrow some more money from family members before that time, though.

Thursday I noted that the UMCG said to call back on Friday or Monday, but Monday Pieter had to call for me. We learned that the professor hadn't replied to the email they had sent him and would now try to call him. After a few hours we got a call back informing us that the appointment was now scheduled for August 21st at 2 PM. A written confirmation will follow by mail.

While I'm glad the appointment game seems to be over now, I nevertheless find it even harder to relax right now than a few weeks ago. At this point I feel completely on edge the moment I wake up until I fall asleep, often from sheer exhaustion. This morning I discussed the matter with Pieter and got quite agitated. I know that Pieter tries to remain as neutral as possible on this issue, not wanting to jump to conclusions and/or judge people, but especially now it seems to clash with my way of thinking.

I'm not out to prove anything... I truly just want to know the facts, disappointing as they may be, the thing is just that all of the available evidence seems to point to a few Dutch hospitals having lied and deceived me,invalidating their contradicting reports. What can be logically concluded other than that the two German reports are correct and I am indeed a hermaphrodite? It is not like the Dutch hospitals offer me any alternative solution anyway. They quit calling me a boy, quit calling me a transsexual, refuse to call me intersexual, refuse to test, research or investigate. They say they want to 'help' me, but refuse to give concrete details on how they want to help.

Both logically and emotionally I can only find myself siding with the German reports, and thus I find it very hard to argue with someone who wants to give the Dutch hospitals more credit than I feel they deserve. Logically I fail to see their trustworthiness, emotionally I simply hate and despise them for what they have done to me.

I just want to have the 21st come and go...


Thursday, 6 August 2009


Today I find myself experiencing some mildly sore muscles due to the exercise I got during the modelling yesterday while standing perfectly still in less than comfortable positions. I'm sure it was worth it, though.

Pieter called the UMCG this morning, but the person managing the schedule wasn't available right away, so they'd call back. I just got called back and in summary there is no appointment on file on the 21st for me. They thought that perhaps professor Weijmar Schultz may have only written it down in his own agenda. Unfortunately he isn't present today. The woman I talked to said she'd send him an email and I'd probably be called back again on Friday or else Monday. Let's hope this gets cleared up soon. Things are exciting enough already without having to play the appointment game.

I'll be going to take a nap in a moment as I didn't get much sleep last night. Had trouble falling asleep and woke up after less than four hours. After I wake up I'll be starting work on the new custom webshop for Nyanko. I have looked at existing options before, such as ZenCart, but none of them seems to offer much in terms of options for digital distribution, documentation and easy customizability. Instead of modifying one of those to my liking it'd be a lot faster to just write my own solution.

To which end I have procured a payment module (credit cards, PayPal, etc.) as that is the most crucial bit of code in the entire shop. User accounts and sessions will be encrypted using AES with the standard features of a webshop of course being present, such as a shopping basket and account profile section. The webshop is being developed as a module for the new CMS (Nyanko CMS; NCMS), which will be launched together before the first game is released.

It's still a lot of work, but I'm confident it will be ready on time. I only wish that I had more time to work on projects like Lilium, but one can't have everything, I guess :)


Wednesday, 5 August 2009


Yesterday and today have been pretty much about today's photoshoot. Yesterday I spent half the day on personal/beauty care, cleaning up the house and doing laundry. This morning I was ready for the photoshoot well on time, having had a proper breakfast, shower and everything.

At 10.30 AM the photographer and the cosmetician arrived. While the latter was setting up her stuff I talked with the photographer, who seemed quite interested in my story. They had only gotten the basics so far, especially since the interview hasn't been performed yet. Both of them seemed quite amazed at how terrible the Dutch hospitals have treated me so far and suggested ways to get me into more magazines and newspapers. They expect that after my appearance in the Grazia I'll get a lot more offers for interviews.

Putting on the make-up and doing my hair took fairly long, I estimate around an hour. We continued chatting during this. Afterwards I went with the cosmetician upstairs to my room to pick out some clothes and shoes. We picked out some white pants (which we ended up not using) and a red top. For shoes some high heels. By that time Pieter came downstairs for his lunch break as he was working from home today again. He stared at me for a while in what I can only assume was amazement due to the make-up I was wearing. As the bright lights used during photography tend to make colours 'fade' it is important to boost those, especially around areas like the eyes and the face in general. I thought it looked okay, just a tad more make-up than I usually put on myself :P

Before we left to take the pictures, the photographer went upstairs with me to look at the MRI images as she thought those would be interesting for the article as well. She thought it was quite obvious what could be seen on the images and couldn't see how anyone could deny it.

As all the photos would be taken outside, the two women and I went outside to their car to check out a few suitable locations. We ended up taking pictures at a row of houses near my place,with a wood-like structure on the side of the wall, next to a few pillars and such. Two more locations were used, one at a small park, another next to a big tree with a field of sunflowers next to it. I think I narrowly avoided a sunburn as I had forgotten to put on some sun lotion. It was pretty fun, though, including the part where the cosmetician took off my bra as it didn't look right while wearing the red top. Has to be the first time a woman has unhooked my bra so far :P Even the part where I was standing on top of some rocks while wearing the high heels was kind of fun, especially since I didn't fall ;)

Also fun were the people watching us, with one man who was walking by commenting on what a great model I was. I think I smiled a lot today :) I think I would be fine with more attention, as I'm most definitely not introverted. On a sidenote, I hope to receive a copy of the taken pictures from the photographer soon, which I'll then put up on my site.

Another thing I'm kind of happy about is that I finally found a place here in Almere where they offer permanent hair-removal using electrolysis. I made an appointment there for Friday. If it works out I'll be cancelling my appointment at the place where I used to go to, as the laser (ELOS) method I have used so far just has no significant effect any more on light hairs. With some luck I could be rid of the last few hairs in a year or so. I'm really looking forward to that moment.

Right now I kind of feel terribly impatient at having to wait three weeks until the interview for the Grazia (which is a so-called 'glossy' magazine, and weekly published, by the way). Both because I want to see the results of having my article published in it as soon as possible, and also because I enjoy the attention :) Not that I'm doing this all just because to get attention... far from it. At this point the media is my only defense against the lies from the Dutch hospitals, and the only way to make people aware of what's going on, both in my particular case and with intersexuals in general. There really isn't much pleasant about being intersexual due to the treatment such people receive, many from the second they're born. This can't continue.

Talking about which, I still haven't received a confirmation (written or otherwise) from the UMCG on my appointment. I only got a date from an email from professor Weijmar Schultz, but further attempts to get a confirmation on the appointment by email have been met by silence. Pieter tried to call the UMCG for me today, but the department in question is only available from 8 AM to 12 PM. I may call tomorrow, or else ask Pieter to call again for me on Friday, assuming he works from home that way.

As I indicated I feel like only the media is really giving me the attention I need at this point. I hope it doesn't stay this way.