Saturday, 9 June 2012

When Things Blow Up And People Get Maimed

The previous time I said that the next time I'd put a blog post online things would have changed majorly, either in a positive or in a negative fashion. Enough happened since that time to warrant a new post. Things still haven't come to an end, but at this point it feels like I'm in an airplane which is on fire, losing bits and heading towards a mountain.

Last Tuesday after the job interview in The Hague at I-Optics things kinda turned south already when my computer suddenly blue-screened after I got home and refused to boot until I coaxed it back into working condition after a few hours of troubleshooting. Then yesterday morning one of my displays died, refusing to come out of standby, forcing me to spend a sizable chunk of money on a new display. Which won't arrive until next Tuesday due to the delivery times around the weekend. Not having dual monitors is enough of a work efficiency impediment that I pulled my old 17" CRT monitor out of storage and put it back into use. See the setup I got going on now:

Things kind of went hurtling ground-wards yesterday (Friday) when I got a phone call from I-Optics regarding my application there. In mildly covered terms they essentially told me that they acknowledged that I have the programming skills, but questioned my personality, strongly implying that I am unreliable and that I portray myself in a grandiose manner to the point where I am basically lying about the things I have done. They never bothered to contact any of the references I provided, which leads me to believe that my background story played a major role in my rejection there.

Being rejected in such a way has really set off my PTSD to the point where I am only barely able to stay stable and find myself regularly thinking in a quite rational manner about ending my existence. Not having the prospect of financial income, not even having welfare to fall back upon, and countless more job interviews to face with the resulting rejections adds to this. With myself in such an unstable mood I have had to push away my girlfriend as well, for her own sake. I'm lashing out at anyone who comes close to me and barely recognize myself any more. The only thing which is going to save me here is hard work on some products to make money with while I hope for that miracle where I do get hired by a company. Monday is the next interview. I'm terrified. I need to push away all emotions to go on.

The thought that I'll not get out of this situation I am in fills me with utter dread and absolute despair. Convincing myself that things will turn out fine becomes harder and harder. For about one and a half year now I go to bed and wake up to observe this spectacle:

My life, all boxed up. My desk, disassembled. A painful reminder that my life isn't going anywhere fast. Its sight is almost enough to push me over the edge.

Getting a job would change that in one fell swoop, going from empty to full within a month. It's either everything or nothing. Life or death. I lack the energy to invest in another job application. Every time I apply somewhere I know it'll only make me feel worse.

Inhumane treatments like at I-Optics are most effective in convincing me that there's only death. To me it basically concludes over a year of job searching and rejection after rejection. Whether it's fighting against injustice at hospitals, or fighting to get a job, either way you end up facing bigotry, aggression, insults and plain injustice. I survived the first, I can not handle a second war.

I just want to end this. Any which way. Without help from others I will have to take matters into my own hands. Please? I just want to not have to be strong every single moment... It hurts so much :(


Thursday, 7 June 2012

The Moment When Things Either Work Or Explode Violently

The next time I'll write on this blog after this post things will likely have changed in a major way again. The first major item is that I have been looking for a job since last month and did the first proper interview last Tuesday. The positions I seem to be gravitating towards are in R&D, such as (embedded) software engineer. I hope to get a bit of luck this month and land a job. That'd majorly change my life, mostly in terms of finances, independence, and improving my mood at least a million-fold. I'm pretty sick of being poor and feeling worthless due to it.

Other things which are happening involve an exposition on me at the Dolhuys museum in Haarlem in September this year, plus the phone call I received from a Dutch production company who are making a documentary for Discovery Channel/TLC and would like to use my story for it. Shooting will take place during June, July and August. It would both be my international debut and really show the world how exactly the supposedly tolerant Netherlands discriminates against intersex people and forces a gender on them.

At this stage it really feels like my happiness short- and long-term depends on getting a job. Since I won't get any kind of reasonable income from my company within the next few months, the only other option I have there is to beg the government for welfare money again. I'm pretty sick of having to do so, though. First of all it's a small amount, not enough to rent my own place, secondly it's humiliating and really bad for my already low sense of self-esteem.

All I'm asking for at this point is a chance to prove myself at a job, get a proper income and my own place. I'd finally be able to feel somewhat like an adult. I'd also be able to shake off this feeling my environment has impressed on me that I'm a useless piece of flesh, with worthless goals, with delusions and a twisted sense of reality.

I'd like to try feeling sane and well-adjusted some time. I bet it would be fun.