Sunday, 30 March 2008


On many occasions I've been told that my blog paints a rather bleak and depressing picture of my life. While I wish I could say that my life is pretty okay, reality bids me to be more concise on this point. In essence one could say that I'm trapped between two opposite forces, one trying to lead me to the by now well-known Dark Pit of Despair, the other to a happy and carefree life. The issue is that the latter force is like a fluffy rabbit trying to pull a plow through a rain-soaked field at times. It's cute and adorable, but is often rudely shaken by reality catching up with it.

I have often indicated that I truly do desire to be happy, that I don't like worrying and getting upset about things all the time. Likewise, I'd gladly be rich (I'm on the verge of bankruptcy) and banish war and violence from this world. It's called wishful thinking.

Yesterday I had to lie down on my bed for a while after I got a bloody nose. Lying down on one's back is the ideal way to deal with a bloody nose in my experience. Least messy as well, in theory. After having read a chapter in the current book I'm reading (The Death Gate Cycle series), I drifted off to sleep for a moment. Upon waking up my thoughts started straying and suddenly I found myself caught by the Vortex of Despair yet again. It did provide me with some useful insights, however.

The past weeks I have on multiple occasions at seeing random men on the streets, in shops and such, experienced a rather new sensation, namely that of thinking that I just saw the 'friend' who was so kind to rape me. Before I can't recall a single time when I had this sensation. Fortunately all those times were false alarm, as I'm not sure what I'd do if it really was him. Attack him? Stab him with the first sharp object I could find? Fall to the floor crying? I don't know.

Anyway, as I was lying on my bed yesterday I went over certain events in my life. My first sexual experience was being raped... the next experiences were negative as well as no attention was being paid to my issues, which'd have interfered anyway. It's just hopeless. I just had to be born intersexual... gifted... growing up isolated, without friends, without experiencing physical contact in any sense... and then it hit me why I had responded so strongly last Wednesday at the announcement.

All men are rapists. Women who have sex with men are being raped. Women who get pregnant have been raped and have to suffer the consequences of it. They've been brainwashed in feeling happy about their horrible fate. I hate men so much. This is the universal truth according to my subconsciousness.

With a certain feeling of bitterness I had to admit that apparently the effect of being raped myself, combined with all the stories from friends about their experiences as well as other factors have created this huge trauma inside me. Now I finally understand more of my behaviour, yet with this knowledge comes the realization that I've got a really big problem, as this trauma really does interfere with my ability to interact with others.

When I told NG about this yesterday (with some nice blood on my face as I got another bloody nose when I was crying, yet with a stuffed nose the blood can only go out), I also told him that I'd probably agree to receive help from psychologists there in Rotterdam if my experiences next Friday there are positive.

By God, let them be positive...


Thursday, 27 March 2008

Murder And Intrigue~

No, I'm not dead yet, despite it still feeling like a comfortable thought to me. I apologize for not writing anything the past days, but I didn't feel like there was much to say, or felt too tired.

To start with the good news, I have refound my desire to work, and have been programming, writing specifications and documentation as well as assembling computer systems. It feels good to focus on something productive.

As for the things outside my work... they're not going very well. I actually thought that I was somewhat stabilizing again, but yesterday I was proven wrong. Yesterday during the weekly Dungeons & Dragons night one of the players announced that his wife was pregnant. At hearing this news it was as though a dagger was brutally thrust into my heart and twisted repeatedly. I've never before dropped from feeling relatively carefree into mental agony so quickly and so violently.

After hearing everyone around the table blabber on about the news for a few minutes I finished my tea and left for my room, closing the door behind me. After a short while NG called for me and I, thinking I might be able to manage somehow, joined the others again, only to find myself on the verge of crying after only a minute or so. Putting down my tea cup with a very audible thud I left for my room again where I threw myself on my bed and descended into a world of mental pain and general unpleasantness, with me only having pure hatred to fight off the thoughts flashing through my mind and the pain they were inflicting.

NG came to see me after a while, and to my surprise the moment I turned over to face him, I started crying while only seconds before I hadn't felt like crying at all. Unable to speak, I remained lying there while NG caressed my face, brushing aside the tears.

When he asked whether he should tell the others I wasn't returning, I replied that I would be rejoining the others yet again, if he'd tell those in the group who didn't know about me yet some details which'd explain my behaviour. The rest of the night I managed to more or less participate, though I could feel that part of me felt like it was dying.

After everyone had gone home, I felt how the usual cycle of misery was proceeding. First there had been the shock, then the anguish, followed by tears. Next came the gradual rejection of myself: first I thought I looked ugly, then I realized I was just an 'it', an undefinable blob, resulting in the total rejection of my own body. I don't have a body. All this to make it easier to deal with the shock and pain. Whoever says that this is healthy is totally insane.

I'll resume working today as well... next week there's a wedding on Friday, right after my appointment with the gynaecologist. NG, who is going with me to that appointment, will be joining the wedding stuff afterwards. Until yesterday I had thought that I'd be going to that wedding as well, but after seeing how I responded yesterday, I feel that it'd be a really stupid thing to do. I have to isolate myself from anyone who can not truly help me in some way. Anyone else will just hurt me, whether that person realizes it or not.

Sometimes I wish I would never have to cry again...


Wednesday, 19 March 2008


As they say about rescue attempts, the most dangerous part is not when people are still adrift at sea, or trapped in a cave with a blizzard raging outside, it is when their rescuers are in sight. That's when most people make stupid mistakes, upsetting the fragile balance they created while trying to survive.

Akin to this, my jubilant feeling of yesterday with my possible salvation in sight has completely backfired on me today, leaving me a miserable shell, incapable of performing even the most basic tasks. I spent nearly all of today in bed, sleeping, reading, watching movies and drenching the pillow with my tears.

My inability to define what I am, uncertainty about my future, my hatred at the sight of how weak I am... it's such a mess. I'm getting sick of feeling this pain inside of me 24/7. Having been alone since I was 5 years old with only this pain to hold me company, the only things I recognize and can sympathize with in this world are pain, sadness and loss. Everything beyond this feels completely fake. The only thing one could add to this list to fully define the human world is depravity, especially sexually.

I considered the possibility that I've been damaged too much to ever develop normal emotionally. It's very well possible that I'll never progress from where I am now, or at least not significantly. Part of me doesn't even want to develop in this fashion, but stay childlike and innocent. I just want the world to be fun and fluffy and joyful, not spiked and poisonous with lots of sharp edges.

Around 7 PM I finally got out of bed. Not having eaten anything yet, I didn't feel particularly hungry yet decided to eat some pasta I had made yesterday anyway. At least I'll finally lose the weight I've wanted to lose for a while this way. I think the dogs are getting quite scared of me now. Serves them right, the smelly POSs.

I didn't go to the Dungeons and Dragons play night at Alex's place today and have refused any contact with anyone about it. I just feel the need to be completely alone, to purify myself and find my balance again. I'm glad that NG will be home tomorrow again after his trip to Italy. Somehow he has become someone to rely on, someone who is always there for me, and actually understands me. I can count the number of people who are like this with me on the fingers of one hand.

Goodnight, I guess.


Tuesday, 18 March 2008

Ray Of Light~

Last night was quite surreal. First I awoke to the sound of howling dogs. NG's dogs didn't take too kindly to being left downstairs and not being allowed to sleep in the same bed as their master (read: 'guy who feeds them and doesn't resist when they try to lick his face or dive into his bed' :P ). Looking at my clock radio I saw it was 3.45 AM. Great.

Faced with the choices of either going downstairs, kicking the dogs around and telling them to shut up (tape their mouths shut?), or going upstairs to sleep in NG's bed (which he had told me beforehand as an option). I chose the latter. It was somewhat strange to sleep in his bed, but also comforting, as I seem to be missing NG quite a bit, especially the past few days.

After I had fallen asleep I got a series of odd dreams. From what I remember, the first one involved a number of people, including B's boyfriend, standing in the door frame to NG's bedroom and talking a bit to me in a casual manner without me replying. This part felt pretty real, as though I was awake at that point and they were really standing there.

The second dream was yet another one of those 'spontaneous actions in a social environment' kind of dreams. In this case a swimming pool and me ending up nearly naked in it, remembering I had my bikini lying nearby and trying to reach it, finding my clothes and putting them on. I didn't say it'd make sense, did I? :P

The third dream is the one which was just downright disturbing, and the closest thing to a nightmare I have had so far. In it a number of girls for various reasons decided to commit suicide, each of them in a different scene, which I'd then observe in great detail. Most of them seemed to prefer hanging themselves, after cutting through some veins. The last scene I observed was especially disturbing for some reason, as I remember feeling shocked in the dream. This dream ended with me (seen from a 3rd person perspective) informing a detective/police officer what I had seen in the last case as people were trying to find the girl's corpse and finding a hidden playroom... then skip to a scene in a dressing room where a girl I seemed to recognize together with a number of other girls were getting dressed. I then noticed that the girl who seemed familiar to me was the same as me in terms of having male organs, which sent a wave of... something through me. Something positive at least. Anyway, that's when I woke up :)

Let's see... Today little happened aside from me getting a message back from B's mother, who had received a reply back from the team at the Erasmus MC. After a few more exchanges between that team, B's mother and me I learned that a person in this team, M. van den Berg, who is a gynaecologist, is interested in my case and would like to help me. I made an appointment for the 4th next month.

Who knows, this nightmare may finally come to an end soon now. For no dream can match the horrors I have to endure when I'm awake.


Monday, 17 March 2008


I'm not really sure how to begin... all I know is that whatever I type on this blog doesn't really help me, but only makes my situation worse and worse, as people use it to make my life even worse and increase my suffering. Yet even without this it doesn't change the fact that I'm inside a living nightmare. And there is only one way out.

The fact that nobody can or will help me is because that never was the intention from the very beginning. I don't know exactly what this world or whatever is I am in is, but it could be anything from some kind of sick experiment to who knows what else. Seemingly the goal is to drive me to suicide, which might be virtual suicide if this is merely one big simulation.

This whole intersexuality thing was provided only as a means to increase my suffering. In reality women and men don't really exist. Humans or at least some kind of lifeforms do exist, yet I'm uncertain about their exact nature. I am merely a plaything for their sick desires.

There is no such thing as friendship. This whole pushing to bind emotionally with others serves merely to hurt me. Nobody around me really cares about what happens to me, unless it increases my suffering. Pretending to be nice and then leaving me to die is how they accomplish this and so far it has worked great. But no more, as I now recognize their plans and won't let them get away with it anymore. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do yet, but somehow I'll make them pay for what they have done and are still trying to do to me...


The above is not a joke. I just returned from B's place and during the last few hours there, as well as on the way back to my place these are the thoughts my emotional side came up with, coming really close to overpowering my rational side. I've toyed with such thoughts before, as I love artificial reality situations, but never in this fashion before. I now begin to understand how people can be driven to mass-killings at schools, offices and such places, or just to slaughtering a few select friends or perfect strangers. Paranoia is a scary thing indeed.

Not that I don't understand why my emotional side is moving in this direction. After having been subjected to so much stress and attempting to find the answers to questions my rational side can't even find a proper explanation for, paranoia is pretty much the only possible 'safe' direction, as it'll provide a fitting explanation no matter what the situation.

Does this mean I'll be going on a rampage soon? Not if I can prevent it. I'm locking myself up in my room for the coming days and I'll be monitoring my condition while trying to distract myself with things which will hopefully steer me away from these feelings of paranoia.

I hope for the sake of everything that is holy that I'll get proper help soon...


Sunday, 16 March 2008

Losing Track~

Even after writing my last blog post I began to gradually feel better. The past days I've spent geeking out, meaning that I've been troubleshooting a few computers, who turned out to have bad capacitors on the mainboard, which I'll replace next week, as well as researching and programming. I haven't felt this productive or care-free in a long time. Seemingly what I went through on Thursday was a lot of the internal stress and agony I had built up for weeks coming out.

Not all is well, though. Especially on the subject of sexuality I seem to have decided that sexuality is a horrible, horrible thing and that sex in any shape or form is an abomination which should be banished from this world. I don't seem to recall a time when I thought this strongly about things before. Whether it's a good or a bad thing I don't know, but I do think that if I am to become more positive about sexuality I really need extensive guidance. Assuming sexuality really can be positive, that is.

Friday my physician responded by phone to my email I had sent to her, with the request to write me a referral letter for an endocrinologist. She said she'd have it ready by Monday, when I'll pick it up before I go to B's place. Yes, I have decided to continue teaching her web development despite my earlier objections. I'm still feeling somewhat curious about this mythical 'friendship' and wish to explore it some more, even though emotionally I seem to be heavily pre-occupied with myself most of the time.

Anyway, with some luck I'll have an appointment with an endocrinologist in Rotterdam, at the Erasmus MC. At the very least things can't go as badly as at the VUMC, right? It's kind of sad that my 100th post on this blog had to be a suicidal-thoughts-filled post, namely the previous post. Ah well.

The coming three days I'll be home-alone, as NG travels for his work to Italy early tomorrow morning. Good thing the neighbour is taking care of the dogs those days as else I'd have a problem tomorrow since else I'd have to go back home to let out the dogs around noon. This is one of the reasons why I would never want to have children :P


Thursday, 13 March 2008

What's Happening...

Some of you may have noticed that I modified my last post a few times. This was to remove some things which shouldn't have been in it if I want to keep B as a friend. But frankly, all of these are just useless details. Something is happening with me and I don't know what.

Tuesday Alex had his talk with his forensic pathologist friend, and came back from that talk with some advice for me on how to proceed. Basically I need to get a referral letter from my physician so that I can talk with (another) endocrinologist, who should then refer me to a plastic surgeon. Thanks to B's mother I know that there's probably a good endocrinologist in Rotterdam at the Erasmus MC. She already contacted this person, so I'll wait to see what response she got back today.

So far the happy part. According to Alex's friend it's most likely that my IS condition was caused by a testosterone insensitivity and that chimera is an unlikely cause. The effect of this message was interpreted by my subconsciousness as a confirmation that I'm just a freak. I'm not female, I'm not male. I'm something which should never have existed. I am just a gathering of mistakes, something I'll never be able to accept.

Last night I slept absolutely poorly. I woke up 3-4 times and slept barely 4 hours in total.. Fortunately I spent most of yesterday sleeping and reading in bed. I'm so tired. It feels as though my lungs can't extract enough oxygen from the air and I have been feeling nauseous for a few days now. Since yesterday the mental agony has increased to a point where it makes all previous experiences look like a tranquil vacation.

This morning NG asked me whether I shouldn't perhaps ask my physician for antidepressant drugs, to just bridge the coming months. My physician asked me whether I was using such drugs on Monday as well. She seemed worried about my regular episodes of depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm not a big fan of treating symptoms, however.

Yet I can't be optimistic about the coming weeks. It's nice to know that there's at least something I can do right now instead of just waiting, but all my previous experiences with specialists (including psychologists) have been negative and only a small part of me does not expect my next appointment with an endocrinologist to go horribly wrong again.

I'm so sick and tired of this all... tired of being punished for something, for what I am. Death may be an easy way out, but it's such a calming thought compared to this living nightmare I'm going through every day. If there really is no place for me in this world, then perhaps departing from it really is the best choice.

Just make the pain stop...


Monday, 10 March 2008


So yesterday went a bit different from what I expected. Main problem was that I began feeling tired again shortly after arriving at B's place. I've been napping for around 2 hours every day for weeks now, and that day was no exception. It's no fun trying to teach someone anything when you just want to curl up on a soft bed and sleep for a few hours.

B's mom was at B's place as well, and during our conversation we came at a point where I felt I should just tell her about my 'secret'. She dealt with it really well, and then I learned that she works at a hospital here in the Netherlands, the Erasmus MC in Rotterdam. She expressed interest in helping me find help and so we exchanged email addresses and I emailed her a copy of the MRI scan report the same day. Hopefully she can find some good contacts :)

By the end of yesterday I was completely worn out, and felt a bit nauseous. I still managed to ride my bicycle home, though. Once home I began to feel somewhat light-headed, however, and after a quick check it seemed that I had developed a mild fever. This morning it seemed to have passed mostly, though my body temperature still seems to be a bit out of control, with me feeling overly warm during the day, even outside. I hope I'll feel fine tomorrow as I've got a busy schedule.

First thing tomorrow is the ELOS hair-removal treatment, which is a method I haven't tried before, so I'm really excited to learn what it can do for me. It should work a lot better on light hairs than IPL, so I'm understandably kind of excited :)

Next up is an appointment with my physician, who should have received my file by now and read it. Hopefully she can help me find a specialist willing to help me. I'm mildly optimistic about this appointment.

A big worry I'm dealing with at the moment is money. Although I'll get a decent sum of money from my freelancing work in Norway this month, I must ensure to get a stable income as soon as possible, which means that I have to work like crazy. In other words there's no way I'm going to educate anyone for free in web development or such, nor will I be wasting time on anything whatsoever.

Fortunately my desire to work seems to be returning now that emotionally things seem to be settling down. I still should avoid situations which might distract me, as it's emotionally rather taxing to divert the negative energy every time some trauma or such gets triggered. The fact that lately I've been sleeping about 2 hours during the day, usually after lunch simply because I'd feel completely drained and unable to concentrate on anything is a definite sign that things haven't settled down yet.

So anyway, it's work-a-holic time for me, accompanied by eating lots of chocolate ;)


Saturday, 8 March 2008


It is increasingly becoming clear to me what my role in this whole... play is supposed to be. Whereas I used to strive to obtain the things others have, or at least some of them, I now see how I foolish I was in pursuing those irrelevant and to me unobtainable matters.

I'll forever be alone. This isn't just something I say to attract attention, for attention isn't what I desire. I'm past that stage. My goal in life is to abandon worldly desires and fully dedicate myself to knowledge and science, for only in those things can I find myself.

Don't get me wrong, I would have loved to care and be cared for, but such things simply aren't possible. I've been alone and ignored for far too long to just get over this pain and loneliness I feel inside. Attention from others I'll just smile at and go my way. My cravings to love and be loved are made impossible by the realization that nobody can get close enough to understand this pain I'm suffering, even when I'm trying to hide it.

Today I came to realize that I can focus on my work again. I can work on projects, program and design, plan and execute. Tomorrow I'll educate a friend in web development because she indicated she'd like to learn it, and I realize the need to extend my network, as locking myself up inside my room won't be the right thing to do. I can however not put my heart into it, as otherwise just thinking about this friend and her boyfriend, let alone being there at her place will only hurt me.

I got a confirmation letter from the VUMC's complaint commission today, to inform me that my update to my complaint had been accepted and added. Only around 2 months to go now until I learn of their verdict. Monday I'll be talking with my physician again. Hopefully she has read my file already and proceeds with her intentions to help me.

By now things just seem to be fading away. So many things I've learned or learned to crave for during the past three years. Friendship... Love... Attention... Warmth... Medical acceptance and help.... I seem to have given up on them, or came to realize they're unobtainable or even dangerous to me. With them also the pain seems to be departing, leaving behind a milder version to remind me of why this is happening to me.

I have resumed work on my personal site,, which I intend to launch in the coming weeks.


Thursday, 6 March 2008

Misery And Numbness...

The appointment my friend A (Alex) had on Tuesday with his friend, a forensic pathologist, to see whether he could help me was canceled and a new appointment has to be made. Strangely enough when I heard this I didn't feel anything. It's like I'm going completely numb inside.

What did hurt was when yesterday one of NG's dogs jumped against my jaw really hard, which chipped one of my teeth and makes it painful to eat even today. Earlier before NG left for his work he mentioned that I'd have to take care of the dogs for a while if he has to go to Italy soon. The prospect of this is everything but appealing to me. I seriously can't stand these dogs. I don't like dogs in general already, and these four dogs are just too moronic and energetic to be a good match for me, especially in my current condition.

When grim's comment mentioned that I could never return to how I was years ago in terms of emotional numbness, that I couldn't just turn off things, I thought that he was probably right. What I'm noticing lately, however, proves that I wasn't completely mistaken. While I don't see myself as a child like I used to, I am in the process of completely rejecting those emotions which make me feel uncomfortable or worse. Sexuality and things around it hurt me, so they're fading. Things about intersexuality and finding help for my potentially dangerous condition cause a lot of pain, frustration and distress for me, so I'm casting them away. At this rate I won't care about those things at all anymore in a few weeks time.

What I also noticed is my stance on friendship. Before I would attempt to establish some kind of emotional link with others, to become friends. Now it's just like when I was in high school, where I talked regularly to quite a few people, but never established an emotional link, simply not allowing them close to me. I can feel myself growing more and more distant to NG as well, which feeds this growing feeling of unease, of not feeling like I have found a place where I can stay. I suspect that things will get quickly more ugly from here on.

NG got an email from that psychologist lady of the VU, in response to my email to her in which she admitted that this endocrinologist had acted on his own, without discussing my case with the rest of the team. I should hear more about it from them later. I still don't expect anything positive from their side, though. They're only out to harm and kill me in the most painful way possible.

Later today I'll be going into the city, to make an appointment with my physician (she should have my file by now), and to do some shopping. I hope my new bicycle holds up well. I also have to reinstall the OS on my main computer, because it seems to be dying.


Sunday, 2 March 2008

Emotional Pain...

Clearly I haven't got a clue as to what is going on with me. When I claimed to have begun to kill off select parts of my emotional side again, I should have known that when this happened the first time, starting when I was 5 years old, it took over a decade for this process to finish, and was largely caused by (subconscious) confusion about who and what I was, social isolation due to my giftedness and an environment which didn't seem to understand anything about me, or at least didn't act.

It's all different now. My emotional side has had a chance to mature somewhat unlike before, my giftedness isn't an issue but an asset now and my current environment won't stop trying to nag and/or help me. I just keep getting stuck on some issues which hurt me as I try to come to terms with them. It are those issues which I have to put aside for now.

Yesterday I went to my friend A's place some time after noon. We mostly talked, watched movies and browsed through his pathology books (his study :) ). It was a really entertaining time, also with the nice talks with A's mother and when another friend, Ba, dropped by with whom we watched a movie with the three of us.

I did notice yesterday night when I returned home that I felt really worn out emotionally, but thought that I'd be fine in the morning. Yet after NG left shortly after noon today to visit his brother, I began to degrade. Just reading and seeing some things on TV was enough to trigger a lot of negative feelings inside me, which culminated into an absolutely horrible feeling of negativity, the kind you can feel weighing down on and inside you.

I thought that because I felt a bit tired as well, even before I became depressed, that I should take a nap, which I did. I woke up three hours later, feeling a lot better, until I was watching a Batman movie a short while ago, and the final romantic scene at the end made me realize something. A realization which hit me as a sledgehammer in its definitiveness. Romance and sexuality are things which are out of reach for me, so I should stop yearning for them.

It gives a certain feeling of calmness to realize such things. I don't have to worry about it anymore, I don't have to go crazy about something which wasn't meant to be to begin with. Perhaps some time in the future, when this mess is all over can I begin to think about it again, but for the foreseeable future I can close this chapter.

Pain... the feeling of having been rejected. Your loved one telling you after a relationship of over a year that he or she wants to move on with another person. Hearing that you've got cancer and will only live three more months if you're lucky. Having been raped and dealing with the consequences. Having a disability or disfiguration which prevents you from living a 'normal' life.

I am getting so tired of feeling this pain. Deeply embedded inside, out of reach, in the realization that all one can do is wait and hope for the best. I actually cried a bit earlier for the first time in days. It was all because of that journalist girl who talked with me a few moments ago. A few days ago she had sent me a message informing me that an article about me won't be published after all in the Cosmopolitan magazine here in the Netherlands, which kind of upset me. I just don't want to talk about it all again.

NG just came home and I talked with him about things to then proceed to cry on his shoulder for a while. I feel so tired and weak right now, but at least much of the pain inside seems to have subsided now. I'll go watch some movies with him now before I go to bed. I'll see you all tomorrow again.