Thursday, 1 January 2009

Getting An Overview...

A few weeks ago Doc suggested in the comments on my blog post from 2008/12/13 that I should write down the list of '2,465' things which are triggers to my traumas and such. To start off the new year (have a safe new year, everyone~), I have decided to write down this list. I doubt it'll pass even 100 items, but it's going to be a long list anyway.

Sexuality, seeing it in a video or on photos:

- documentary: makes me feel uncomfortable. Don't want to watch.
- romantic: makes me feel sad and hurt inside.
- erotic: makes me feel ugly and wish I was born normal.
- pornographic: don't want to watch. Ever. Get it out of my sight. Makes me want to kill myself.
- rape: crawl-into-corner-and-die response

Sexuality, someone talking about it, or in writing (book or other text):

- scientific: emotional side hates it, rational side is kind of okay with it.
- one's sex-life: don't ever mention you even think about sex. Makes me feel miserable for the rest of the day.
- sex in general: I don't want to know sex exists. Period.
- children: yes, women can bear children. I don't want to think about this gruesome process, let alone about the icky stuff men do.
- sexual attraction: makes me feel ugly and unwanted, like the world is a cruel joke existing only to torture me.
- whores and sluts: those... 'things' should just vanish. They don't belong in this world. I can not explain them, I can not deal with them. Gives me a headache and makes me want to die.
- rape: rapists should be set on fire and burn to death after they've been skinned alive and have salt sprinkled all over them. Their victims may or may not recover. I haven't yet.

Sexuality, my own experiences:

- memories: sometimes a memory of my own sexual experiences will drift towards the surface of my consciousness and causes agony there.

Relationships, visually or in writing:

- fictional characters: I can distance myself from fictional characters enough that my emotional side doesn't take too much offence to watching such scenes. Generally. I don't like or trust males in most cases, so if any doubt exists about the male character things can get ugly.
- real people: I dislike seeing couples. Makes me wonder what I did wrong, whether it's because I'm just a freak. Crushes my spirits.

Relationships, people talking about it:

- your significant other: you have a boy-/girlfriend? Splendid. Just don't mention it to me. I feel lonely and miserable enough already.
- married: please, kill me with your happiness.

Sights in general:

- pretty women: I have to compare myself with them, and feel depressed thinking about how much better or at least more normal their life must be, doing stuff I can't even physically or otherwise do.
- children: they make me often think about my confusing youth, and what an incredible mess my life has always been and still is. Sad and somewhat jealous feeling.

Medical:

- transsexuals: being called one without reason for nearly four years have made me hate these... people, especially because they do get treatment for it, while I'm being left to rot in Hell.
- specialists in general: they're only out to hurt or ignore me and hurt me that way. They are incapable of compassion.

Other:

- aging: I feel like my life so far has been totally wasted, with nothing to show for the 25 years I have been on this world. I don't want to die just yet.


*sigh*

Depressing list, isn't it? I probably missed quite a few items as well, but I think that the most important things are on it. They're all items which will trigger the effects I listed every single time without failing. As it is my subconsciousness which seems to be the source of the triggers, there is nothing I can do against it. Once a trigger goes off, all I can do is damage recovery.

Finally, I would like to apologize to all the people I have said or written things about which hurt them. I know I screwed up, and the way I have treated my friend Ane in Norway (if she still considers me to be a friend) is something which weighs heavily on my conscience.

There are others, in the US, here in Almere and other places, who I have hurt too, unwittingly. To them I'd like to say: I'm sorry, I didn't know what in the world I was doing or saying. I won't make excuses, but do know that I know virtually nothing anymore about those events and that they were never meant personally.

The risk of getting close to me with all the right intentions is to get hurt by me flailing about wildly, I guess... It feels terrible that I can not seem to trust anyone, that only as a young child I was that open if I am to believe my mother. Right now everything inside me is apparently sealed off, much of it even to myself. There hasn't been a moment I can remember when I felt totally comfortable and relaxed. Lately I feel more like a fox pursued by dozens of dogs and their hunters, with no escape, nowhere to hide. This means frayed nerves, more stress and more severe responses to the items on the above list.

I must work if I am to become independent financially, but focusing on it is hard. There are only a few moments every day that I can start working and do alright for an hour or two, but if I miss that opportunity, the day is as good as wasted. I simply feel too tired. Is it the anemia (if I have it)? Could be, it could also be that plus the continuous stress and pressure.


Maya

2 comments:

JW said...

Maybe you should stop blogging and complaining and really start to do something.

First of all get a job so you have a steady income and you have some distraction. Meet people and stop thinking about your problems all the time..

Obvisously you cant handle working alone at home. Since it makes you wonder about yourself all the time..

Maybe you should make a choice.. choose what you want to be, male/female and take the steps to get there. Stop complaining about things you could or would do and how nobody understands you. Nobody has to, exact for you, yourself..

grim4593 said...

*poke*
Are you okay?