Thursday, 7 June 2012

The Moment When Things Either Work Or Explode Violently

The next time I'll write on this blog after this post things will likely have changed in a major way again. The first major item is that I have been looking for a job since last month and did the first proper interview last Tuesday. The positions I seem to be gravitating towards are in R&D, such as (embedded) software engineer. I hope to get a bit of luck this month and land a job. That'd majorly change my life, mostly in terms of finances, independence, and improving my mood at least a million-fold. I'm pretty sick of being poor and feeling worthless due to it.

Other things which are happening involve an exposition on me at the Dolhuys museum in Haarlem in September this year, plus the phone call I received from a Dutch production company who are making a documentary for Discovery Channel/TLC and would like to use my story for it. Shooting will take place during June, July and August. It would both be my international debut and really show the world how exactly the supposedly tolerant Netherlands discriminates against intersex people and forces a gender on them.

At this stage it really feels like my happiness short- and long-term depends on getting a job. Since I won't get any kind of reasonable income from my company within the next few months, the only other option I have there is to beg the government for welfare money again. I'm pretty sick of having to do so, though. First of all it's a small amount, not enough to rent my own place, secondly it's humiliating and really bad for my already low sense of self-esteem.

All I'm asking for at this point is a chance to prove myself at a job, get a proper income and my own place. I'd finally be able to feel somewhat like an adult. I'd also be able to shake off this feeling my environment has impressed on me that I'm a useless piece of flesh, with worthless goals, with delusions and a twisted sense of reality.

I'd like to try feeling sane and well-adjusted some time. I bet it would be fun.


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