If my life was a sports match, it'd be me on one side of the field, with the rest of my team mates huddled together at the edge of the field, too traumatized to even participate any more. The opponents would keep shifting faces, but it'd always be the same ones I see in my nightmares. There'd be Jos Megens, coordinator of the VUmc's gender team, whose false laugh and pretense of friendliness frighten me. There'd be Dr. P.T. Cohen-Kettenis, the psychologist who contributed to the Consensus on Management of Intersex Disorders, a 2006 document by 'physicians' and 'psychologists' world-wide on how to best eradicate intersex from the world. She's also the one who dismissed me as a possible intersex case.
She's part of the same VUmc gender team together with Dr. W. de Ronde (endocrinologist), Dr. M.A.A. van Trotsenburg (gynaecologist) and Dr. J.H.T.M. van Waesberghe (radiologist). The first one thought I was a 'feminine looking boy' and threw into my face his conclusion that any further medical examinations would be 'fruitless'. The second one abused me both physically and psychologically by faking a physical examination and then dismissing anything I knew about myself by insisting that I could not be intersex in any way or form. The third one insisted over and over again that no female reproductive organs and a regular prostate were visible on the MRI scans produced in Germany, despite these being clearly visible.
Also in the enemy team are the Dutch minister of health: Edith Schippers. Her letter to me in response to my frantic request to help me with my desperate medical situation essentially dismissed the possibility that the Dutch physicians had done anything untoward to me. She said that by following the aforementioned 'Consensus on Management of Intersex Disorders' to the letters, they were doing only the right things. She kicked on my fingers I had on the edge of the pool and had me slide back in to resume drowning.
Adding to the enemy team are the so-called 'intersex organizations'. Whatever they call themselves, OII, ILGA, ISNA, Accord Alliance... they are all the same. Never helping individuals, just giving them false hope and dining with politicians while pretending to advance the rights of intersex individuals. They caused me almost as much pain and agony as Dutch physicians and the like through false hope, deception and statements made by them dismissing me as a less than desirable existence. They're about as evil as the insurance companies I had to deal with, such as my current one, Unive. Refusing to grant me the same rights as 'normal' people, they feel it's perfectly fine to discriminate against me. SKGZ and CVZ both think this is perfectly fine as well, handily kicking me down a bit further.
On the sidelines of the field there are plenty of supporters for both sides. My side's supporters are pretty outspoken, but they're only supporters. Not supposed to be on the field. Not part of the team. It's just me, standing there in the drenching rain, facing this black mass of evil. I wish all this vile evil and its supporters would just vanish from this planet forever. I do not think I can keep living in a world where their existence would be tolerated.
Next month, the 12th of February I'll be sitting together with my lawyer Yme Drost in the courthouse in Amsterdam at the public hearing against the VUmc's gender team. The claims against them are improper diagnostics and violation of basic human rights. My hope is that this hearing, or maybe I should say match, will mean the turning point in the War on Intersex which has been raging since the 1950s, if not earlier. Maybe one day soon I'll be able to say farewell to this horrific fear I have inside of me that this evil will win out and my life will be denied over and over.
This all comes on top of the more regular forms of misery. I quit my last job at the VARA because I got a burn-out. The impossible demands put on me and the game of masks and pretense within Dutch companies is just too much. I'm now back to working as a freelancer and trying to make money by selling products via my company, Nyanko. We'll be releasing our first major Windows game soon, and I'm always looking for paid projects to work on. I find that by having the full responsibility it is quite stressful at least now that I have a very low income with the possibility of losing everything, including the place I'm renting. Putting the full weight of supporting us financially on my girlfriend's shoulders would be very unfair as well since she is hardly rich as well. If the financial part could be sorted, however, I am sure I'd be very happy to be working in this capacity. I enjoy organizing projects, developed even more dislike against 'project managers' at my last job, and am more than prepared to put in the work and hours to make things happen.
I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't feeling depressed and somewhat suicidal at times. It's hard not to curse my body for being like this. It's nearly impossible not to curse society for being the way it is. All that keeps me going is the thought that maybe, just maybe the coming months my body doesn't have to be a problem any more and I'll be happily doing the work I'm good at.
And after that, the move to a better country. Coincidentally this was also the first question I got asked by the journalist for The Holland Times - an expat magazine - a brief while ago: which countries I'd prefer to move to. To that I answered Australia, South-Korea, Germany, but basically countries with better human rights than the Netherlands. The resulting article of the interview will be published in The Holland Times in late February or March. Maybe it'll trigger a few things. I know that few things would make me and my girlfriend happier than to leave this dark, gloomy country which feels it's okay to abuse everyone who isn't perfectly 'normal'.
Feel free to throw in a few cents via a donation on my main site towards the 'keeping this kitten happy' fund :)