You Should Be Living Your Life Instead

In a comment to the post I made on Google+ yesterday concerning my previous blog post, Ricardo Vasconcelos said the following regarding my struggle against the Dutch medical system:

"I can't even begin to comprehend all that science. I hope everything works out for you, in the long run. It's sad that you are forced to waste so much time with all this nonsense... you should be living your life instead."

This one comment really quite hit me as it so closely approaches the bare, undiluted truth. As I replied to him: "I try not to think about it that way. You're right of course, but if I considered all that I have lost and never will experience due to what has been done to me, I'd go crazy."

Sitting there on Tuesday in the same room with two of the people who have hurt me so much. Who together with other Dutch physicians and the like have been responsible for me wasting nearly ten years of my life. Wasted it on what amounts to absolute and utter nonsense. The arrogance and ignorance of humanity brought together. A tragic repeat of history.

Just thinking about it all I have to really try to not succumb to tears. I want to cry, to scream and rage until I have no more energy left and I'm completely numb inside. Keeping back these tears isn't possible. I'm not ashamed to cry. I only feel ashamed for those who have and are hurting me. Everyone at the VUmc's gender team. The UMCG hospital's gender team. The Erasmus MC, AMC and UMC hospitals. Dutch Minister of Health Edith Schippers. All of the Dutch political parties, of whom none bothered to even take me seriously. I feel ashamed of them. Ashamed to be the same species.

I also feel ashamed of the Dutch police. Of so many general practitioners who never bothered to understand me. I find it so very hard to be living in the same world as all of these people. I'd rather wish they had never existed.

After Tuesday's initial hearing against the VUmc's gender team I felt completely broken. The next day I was suffering from a migraine. Today I'm trying to work again and tried to make it into a somewhat fun Valentine's day for myself and my girlfriend by going to the cinema for a fun movie. I feel a lot less miserable than I did yesterday. That's good.

Yesterday I had to deal with a few phone calls from a psychologist-in-training. As part of the legal harassment against me by the state I have to undergo a psychological examination to find out whether I truly suffer from PTSD and such disorders, and whether this truly led to me suffering a blackout when a certain GP at the Medical Center in Rijssen pushed too many of my buttons. Willingly, it seems. I was supposed to be having that examination yesterday, but I obviously was in no condition to attend it. I already let my lawyer know that I won't be able to deal with that case at all until at least the case against the VUmc's gender team has come to an end. Dealing with those two things at the same time is just too much for any person to deal with. Forcing me to deal with both would be inhumane.

In addition, that incident as mentioned occurred after years of psychological torture and rejection by Dutch physicians, psychologists and politicians, and was a direct result of the GP's office members treating me with the same contempt other Dutch medical staff had treated me. This in the clear knowledge of the traumatic disorders I was dealing with. This makes me into a victim of that event, and this legal harassment by the state makes me into a double victim. This has to be corrected somehow. I'm afraid of what might happen otherwise.

In all of this, yet again the clear realization that I need to be able to live, somehow. I'm glad that the case against the Dutch hospitals is finally making progress now, and I can't wait until the first public hearing. I hope to get and finish a lot of freelance software projects this and next month so that I can get the money I need to support myself and my girlfriend. The way things are looking at the moment I know that I'll be living, somehow.

I just don't really feel like I'm living my life, or any life which isn't merely a sad tragedy for the history books.


Maya